BY: ROBERT HOLMES
Part Five
Original Air Date: 26 March 1977
Running time: 24:49
LEELA: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Litefoot's got visitors.
DOCTOR: Mi how ma! What happened?
LITEFOOT: Chinese. Dozens of them.
DOCTOR: What?
LITEFOOT: Oh, the devils.
DOCTOR: Well, they got what they came for.
LEELA: What?
DOCTOR: The time cabinet.
LITEFOOT: Damn scoundrels.
DOCTOR: Get him a drink.
DOCTOR: In a glass. In a glass. Professor, how did they get in?
LITEFOOT: I've, I've no idea. I locked and bolted all the doors as soon as you left. Thank you, my dear.
DOCTOR: Were they all Chinese?
LITEFOOT: Tong-wallahs. Criminals. The gutter scrapings of Shanghai.
DOCTOR: And one midget.
LITEFOOT: Yes. My dear Doctor, how on Earth did you deduce that one of my attackers was a midget?
DOCTOR: Elementary, my dear Litefoot. He came in the laundry basket and let the others in.
LEELA: The same creature that att*cked me!
DOCTOR: The Peking Homunculus.
LITEFOOT: Who?
DOCTOR: Yes, the time of manufacture, its disappearance, it all fits.
LEELA: Doctor, what is the Peking
DOCTOR: Homunculus.
LEELA: Homunculus.
DOCTOR: It was made in Peking for the Commissioner of the Icelandic Alliance. It was in the Ice Age, about the year five thousand.
LITEFOOT: Preposterous.
LEELA: Shush. Go on, Doctor.
DOCTOR: The Peking Homunculus was a toy, a plaything for the Commissioner's children. It contained a series of magnetic fields operating on a printed circuit and a small computer. It had one organic component. The cerebral cortex of a pig. Anyway, something went wrong. It almost caused World w*r Six.
LITEFOOT: What?
DOCTOR: Yes, somehow the pig part took over. So Weng-Chiang has brought the Peking Homunculus back through time. He could have done. It disappeared completely. It was never found.
LITEFOOT: I say, I may have had a bang on the head but this is a dashed q*eer story. Time travel?
DOCTOR: Unsuccessful time travel, Professor. Findicker's discovery of the double nexus particle sent human science up a technological cul-de-sac.
LITEFOOT: Are you following this?
LEELA: Not a word.
DOCTOR: This pig thing is still alive. It needs an operator, of course, but the mental feedback is so intense that somehow the swinish instinct has become dominant. It hates humanity and it revels in carnage.
WENG: Liberation, Mister Sin! Freedom! I can become whole again. Whole and alive! Oh, how I have dreamt of this moment. To be free of this putrefying carcass, to fashion myself anew in some distant time and place. And I can do it now, now that at last I have the time cabinet. I promise you, Mister Sin, we shall not remain long among these filthy barbarians. But where is the bag? Answer me, you fools! Where is the bag?
HO: It was. We did not.
WENG: The bag, you cowering oaf!
HO: It was left behind, great lord.
WENG: What? What! Lee! Lee, I told you to take it out to the carriage! I ordered you! You know the penalty for failing me.
WENG: Take the sting of the scorpion.
DOCTOR: Rundall Buildings.
LITEFOOT: What?
DOCTOR: Your laundry. Do you know the place?
LITEFOOT: I've heard of it. Everyone has. It's the centre of one of the most noxious and evil rookeries in the East End.
DOCTOR: And where exactly is this disreputable quarter?
LITEFOOT: It lies somewhere between Whitechapel and St Georges in the East. Place of appalling vice and squalor. Overdue for clearance in my opinion.
DOCTOR: Yes, it might be cleared very quickly.
LITEFOOT: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: Weng-Chiang is a scientific ignoramus. He doesn't understand the nature of zigma energy.
LITEFOOT: Zigma energy?
DOCTOR: Yes. The power source of the time cabinet is a zigma beam. At the moment it's like a piece of elastic fully stretched, but when Chiang tampers with it
LEELA: Then he must be stopped. Do you think he's gone to this laundry?
DOCTOR: Well, there's only one way to find out. Litefoot, I want you to stay here. Come on.
LITEFOOT: Doctor, you can't take a young woman into that foulness. At this hour of night she'll witness the vilest scenes of depravity and degradation.
DOCTOR: Nothing as vile as Weng-Chiang himself, Professor.
JAGO: Think large, Henry Jago, think large. Shilling a head? I must be crazy. A guinea a head! Conducted tours round the lair of the phantom. I'll lead them myself and modestly mention the part I played in the affair. The ladies will swoon in my arms. Oh, it's a winner. It's a beauty. I'll go bail. I'll clear out all this old junk, call in the electric lighting company.
JAGO: What in the name of heavens is?
DOCTOR: Not a sound. Now quiet. Shush.
JAGO: Thank you. Kindly tell your employer that Mister Jago wishes to see him urgently.
LITEFOOT: What?
JAGO: Your employer, Professor Litefoot. Come along, man. Hurry. Chop-chop.
LITEFOOT: May I ask, sir, who you are?
JAGO: Confound your insolence, sir. Just announce me.
LITEFOOT: Consider yourself announced, sir. I'm Litefoot.
JAGO: Why, dash me optics. I should have realised. That brow, those hands. England's peerless premier professor of pathology. Henry Gordon Jago, sir, at your service.
LITEFOOT: Mister Jago, just tell me what all this is about.
JAGO: The Doctor.
LITEFOOT: What?
JAGO: This bag.
LITEFOOT: Eh?
JAGO: Shall we go inside?
JAGO: Found this in my cellar. Thought the Doctor might be interested. It could have something to do with those Chineses.
LITEFOOT: Chinese?
JAGO: Yes. I had thought of communicating directly with Scotland Yard, where as you know he's held in the highest esteem.
LITEFOOT: The Doctor is?
JAGO: Oh yes, of course. It's my opinion he solves half their cases and then lets them take the credit for it, don't you agree?
LITEFOOT: I have no idea.
JAGO: Oh, why, it stands to reason. I mean, they're policemen. We all know they're solid, sterling, fellows, but their buttons are the brightest thing about them, don't you agree? Now, the Doctor's a real detective.
LITEFOOT: Yes, he's certainly very active. How did you learn of my connection with him, Mister Jago?
JAGO: Well, I enquired at the local station and they told me you'd been seen together. The most formidable combination in the annals of criminology. It's a great honour and privilege for me to be working with you on this devilish affair.
LITEFOOT: Oh, well, thank you. Yes, well, I'm sure the Doctor will be very interested in these things. Unfortunately, he isn't here at present.
JAGO: I know, the sleuth that never rests, eh?
LITEFOOT: Well, he did remark that sleep is for tortoises. You know, Mister Jago, I can't for the life of me discern what purposes these articles might serve.
JAGO: It's a q*eer lot of paraphernalia. I thought so meself.
LITEFOOT: And you think they were set aside by Weng-Chiang, this murderous lunatic the Doctor is now hunting?
JAGO: Well, they're nothing to do with the theatre, I'm sure of that. I found the bag amongst a pile of our old junk.
LITEFOOT: In that case, Mister Jago, is it not possible that someone plans to return for it?
JAGO: Yes, yes, good point. We must tell the Doctor.
LITEFOOT: Or take a hand ourselves.
JAGO: Why?
LITEFOOT: Well, the Doctor isn't here. If you and I keep a discreet watch on the theatre, we might get a chance to nab this fellow, should he return.
JAGO: You're suggesting a pernoctation, Professor, but alas, unfortunately the nocturnal vapours are very bad for my chest.
LITEFOOT: Oh, come on, man, you can wrap up. I'll lend you some extra clothing.
JAGO: Very kind, I'm sure.
LITEFOOT: Now, you write a note to the Doctor, you'll find pen and paper in that drawer, and I'll look you out a cape. We might be lucky, Mister Jago. And if we are, I've a few lumps to repay.
LEELA: That smell. It's like decaying fruit.
DOCTOR: Papaver somniferum.
LEELA: What?
DOCTOR: Pipe of poppy. It's opium, a narcotic drug.
DOCTOR: Ah, we've found another warren. Weng-Chiang will show his hand again.
LEELA: More girls?
DOCTOR: Yes. He'll try to build his body levels before he has to use the zigma beam. He'll k*ll again tonight, but where?
CHANG: At the House of the Dragon, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Good evening, Mister Chang. We thought you'd gone to join your ancestors.
CHANG: Not yet. Not quite.
LEELA: Your leg!
CHANG: A singular sight, I fear. It is too late, Doctor, and I feel no pain. The opium.
LEELA: How did you get away?
CHANG: When the rat took my leg, I regained consciousness in a charnel house, putrefying human remains.
DOCTOR: Yes, rats don't keep a very hygienic larder.
CHANG: I lay there, Doctor, and cursed Weng-Chiang, my benefactor, who had brought me to this fate. Hatred of him gave me the strength to drag myself away. The rats had gone. I came here to destroy the false god. The last act of the Great Chang.
LEELA: You should have done that before.
CHANG: I believed in him. For many years I believed in him.
DOCTOR: It was a good act, Chang.
CHANG: Until he shamed me. I lost face. The whole theatre saw my failure.
DOCTOR: Tell me about the House of the Dragon.
CHANG: Next month, the Great Chang would have performed before the Queen Empress at Buckingham Palace. I, the son of a peasant.
DOCTOR: The House of the Dragon, where is it?
CHANG: It is his fortress, prepared over many months by the Tong. Beware the eye of the dragon, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Li H'sen, come on. Come on.
CHANG: Soon I shall join my ancestors. Already I can see them. They walk to greet me from the Palace of Jade. They are smiling and carry gifts of food and flowers. Now I cross the golden bridge of the gods.
DOCTOR: Li H'sen! Come on, man, the house.
CHANG: B, B
DOCTOR: What? What?
DOCTOR: Boot? Shoe? Spat?
LEELA: Earth?
DOCTOR: He's left us a Chinese puzzle.
WENG: Well? Where is it?
HO: Bag not there, lord. It's gone.
WENG: Gone?
HO: We look all places. Bag not there.
WENG: You incompetent lice! You crawling, mindless dogs! That bag contained the key to the time cabinet. I must have it, do you understand, if I have to tear this accursed city apart stone by stone! Ho! Were you followed?
HO: Followed? What?
WENG: Those two. They must have been watching the theatre. That means they have the bag! Bring them to me.
LITEFOOT: This is their hideaway, no doubt about it.
JAGO: It's unfortunate there were too many of them for us to tackle, eh, Professor? I was itching for a scrap.
LITEFOOT: The question is, Mister Jago, what now?
JAGO: Well, we could adjourn for liquid refreshment. Decorate the mahogany. I know a little spot not far from here.
LITEFOOT: I think one of us should stay here on watch while the other returns for the Doctor.
JAGO: Good idea. I'll be as quick as I can.
LITEFOOT: Too late, old man.
JAGO: Oh, corks.
LITEFOOT: Backs to the wall.
JAGO: Keep off, you lot. I'm a tiger when my dander's up.
WENG: So, you choose to pry on the House of the Dragon. Unwise. Very unwise. You will suffer for it.
LITEFOOT: You're mistaken. You'll be the sufferer when the police get here.
WENG: The police? Did you hear that, Mister Sin? They take me for a simpleton.
JAGO: Oh, they'll be here, don't you worry. They can't be far behind.
WENG: You told them where you were coming?
LITEFOOT: Of course. We're not completely without sense.
WENG: Lies. Stupid lies!
WENG: You didn't know where you were coming. You followed my men here from the theatre.
LITEFOOT: If that's what you choose to believe.
WENG: Why were you waiting at the theatre? Answer me. Why?
JAGO: Why were we waiting at the theatre, Litefoot?
LITEFOOT: I refuse to answer.
JAGO: There you are, you see. He refuses to answer.
LITEFOOT: You can do with us as you wish.
JAGO: I say, steady on.
WENG: Very well, I will tell you why.
JAGO: I say, have a care.
WENG: You were waiting to see
JAGO: You don't know your own strength.
WENG: Who came to collect the bag.
JAGO: You're choking me.
WENG: Exactly. Now, where is the bag now. What have you done with it?
LITEFOOT: Let him go.
WENG: The bag. Tell me!
LITEFOOT: It's at my house. Now for pity's sake, release him!
WENG: You will die later, slowly. It will give pleasure to my wolves.
LITEFOOT: You filthy bounder.
WENG: In the meantime, put them with the other prisoners.
DOCTOR: Litefoot? Litefoot!
DOCTOR: (reads) My dear Doctor, contained in this capacious carpet bag, which I discovered inadvertently in the cellar, is a collection of sundry items of baffling meaning. The Professor and I are keeping observation on the theatre and shortly hope to report to you the whereabouts of the mysterious Weng-Chiang. Your fellow detective H G J.
LEELA: What does that mean?
DOCTOR: Ah! Eureka! Do you know what that is?
LEELA: You ask me so that you can tell me.
DOCTOR: That's right. It's a trionic lattice, an integral part of a time cabinet. It's impossible to open it without it.
LEELA: You mean it's a key.
DOCTOR: Yes. He's not only a scientific fool, he's an absent-minded one.
LEELA: Perhaps he has another eureka.
DOCTOR: No, eureka's Greek for this bath is too hot. There can never be another one of this combination.
LEELA: That means he's gone to the theatre. Come on.
DOCTOR: Hold it.
LEELA: But Doctor, Professor Litefoot and Mister Jago are our friends! We must help them. You know what will happen if Weng-Chiang finds them.
DOCTOR: I do.
LEELA: Well?
DOCTOR: Look. Litefoot likes a good fire. He's been out of the house a long time. We can't go just rushing all over London looking for him. It's much better to wait for Weng-Chiang to come here.
LEELA: Look, we know he already has the cabinet.
DOCTOR: Yes, but he doesn't have the key. Always stay one step ahead of your enemies, my girl.
LEELA: You mean, when he finds the key is missing, and that Professor Litefoot and Mister Jago are keeping watch, he will force them to tell him where it is.
DOCTOR: You're learning to think. That's excellent.
LEELA: And you thought of that all at once, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well, almost.
LEELA: Then I am sorry.
DOCTOR: What for?
LEELA: For thinking that perhaps you were afraid.
DOCTOR: That's all right.
LEELA: Where shall we lay our ambush?
DOCTOR: What?
LEELA: Ambush! It's time we did battle with this underground crab, Doctor.
JAGO: Are they dead?
LITEFOOT: Drugged, I think. You know why they're here.
JAGO: Poor creatures. They can't be a day over sixteen.
LITEFOOT: He must send his fiends to kidnap them off the streets.
JAGO: This is a nightmare. What can we do for them?
LITEFOOT: No more than we can do for ourselves. At least they'll die quickly.
JAGO: He must be the devil incarnate.
LITEFOOT: What unspeakable horror lies behind that mask, do you suppose?
JAGO: Well, he's not exactly a dobbin masher with it, is he?
LITEFOOT: Dammit, Jago, I don't see any way out of this. I think we're done for.
JAGO: You're forgetting the Doctor, Professor.
LITEFOOT: There's no hope of him finding this place. How can he?
JAGO: Oh, the trained mind. A fleck of mud here, a speck of paint there. Clues that speak volumes to a trained investigator like him. I'll wager he's on our tracks this very minute.
LITEFOOT: I say, Jago, look at this.
JAGO: What of it?
LITEFOOT: Don't you see what it is? It's a dumb waiter!
JAGO: Yes, of course I know that, but frankly I'm not very peckish at the moment. I'm surprised you should think of food at a time like this.
LITEFOOT: My dear man, I'm not thinking of food. I'm thinking that if we take that shelf out and squeeze ourselves in, we can make a surreptitious exit from this establishment via the dining room.
JAGO: By jiminy, you're right! We'll teach those blighters a lesson yet. They picked the wrong man when they decided to cross swords with me.
LITEFOOT: After you, Mister Jago.
JAGO: Oh, those ropes don't look too sound, do they.
LITEFOOT: He that is down need fear no fall.
JAGO: Hmm?
LITEFOOT: A quotation. Bunyan.
JAGO: Ah, very comforting.
JAGO (OOV.): Mind your elbow, Professor.
LITEFOOT (OOV.): Sorry.
BOTH (OOV.): Heave!
JAGO: This isn't the dining room.
LITEFOOT: This isn't the way out, either.
`
The Doctor
Tom Baker
Leela
Louise Jameson
Magnus Greel
Michael Spice
Li H'sen Chang
John Bennett
Mr Sin
Deep Roy
Henry Gordon Jago
Christopher Benjamin
Professor Litefoot
Trevor Baxter
Sergeant Kyle
David McKail
Buller
Alan Butler
Casey
Chris Gannon
PC Quick
Conrad Asquith
Ghoul
Patsy Smart
Lee
Tony Then
Coolie
John Wu
Teresa
Judith Lloyd
Cleaning Woman
Vaune Craig-Raymond
Singer
Penny Lister
Ho
Vincent Wong
Assistant Floor Manager
Linda Graeme
Costumes
John Bloomfield
Designer
Roger Murray-Leach
Fight Arranger
Stuart Fell
Film Cameraman
Fred Hamilton
Film Editor
David Lee
Incidental Music
Dudley Simpson
Make-Up
Heather Stewart
Producer
Philip Hinchcliffe
Production Assistant
Ros Anderson
Production Unit Manager
Chris D'Oyly-John
John Nathan-Turner
Script Editor
Robert Holmes
Special Sounds
d*ck Mills
Studio Lighting
Mike Jefferies
Studio Sound
Clive Gifford
Theme Arrangement
Delia Derbyshire
Title Music
Ron Grainer
Visual Effects
Michealjohn Harris
Tom Baker
Leela
Louise Jameson
Magnus Greel
Michael Spice
Li H'sen Chang
John Bennett
Mr Sin
Deep Roy
Henry Gordon Jago
Christopher Benjamin
Professor Litefoot
Trevor Baxter
Sergeant Kyle
David McKail
Buller
Alan Butler
Casey
Chris Gannon
PC Quick
Conrad Asquith
Ghoul
Patsy Smart
Lee
Tony Then
Coolie
John Wu
Teresa
Judith Lloyd
Cleaning Woman
Vaune Craig-Raymond
Singer
Penny Lister
Ho
Vincent Wong
Assistant Floor Manager
Linda Graeme
Costumes
John Bloomfield
Designer
Roger Murray-Leach
Fight Arranger
Stuart Fell
Film Cameraman
Fred Hamilton
Film Editor
David Lee
Incidental Music
Dudley Simpson
Make-Up
Heather Stewart
Producer
Philip Hinchcliffe
Production Assistant
Ros Anderson
Production Unit Manager
Chris D'Oyly-John
John Nathan-Turner
Script Editor
Robert Holmes
Special Sounds
d*ck Mills
Studio Lighting
Mike Jefferies
Studio Sound
Clive Gifford
Theme Arrangement
Delia Derbyshire
Title Music
Ron Grainer
Visual Effects
Michealjohn Harris