By David Agnew (alias Douglas Adams with Graham Williams)
(From a story line by David Fisher)
EPISODE 2
First shown 6th October, 1979
5:50pm - 6:15pm
HERMANN: Excuse me, my lady. The people you wished to speak to are here.
COUNTESS: Good, Hermann. Show them in.
HERMANN: Yes, my lady.
DOCTOR: I say, what a wonderful butler. He's so violent. Hello, I'm called the Doctor. That's Romana, that's Duggan. You must be the Countess Scarlioni and this is clearly a delightful Louis Quinze chair. May I sit in it? I say, haven't they worn well? Thank you, Hermann, that'll be all.
COUNTESS: Doctor, you're being very pleasant with me.
DOCTOR: Well, I'm a very pleasant fellow.
COUNTESS: But I didn't invite you here for social reasons.
DOCTOR: Yes, I could see that the moment you didn't invite me to have a drink. Well, I will have a drink now you come to mention it. Yes, do come in, everybody.
DOCTOR: Romana, sit down over there. Duggan. Now, Duggan, you sit there. Do sit down if you want to, Count. Oh, all right. Now, isn't this nice?
COUNTESS: The only reason you were brought here was to explain exactly why you stole my bracelet.
DOCTOR: Ah, well, it's my job, you see. I'm a thief. And this is Romana, she's my accomplice. And this is Duggan. He's the detective who's been kind enough to catch me. That's his job. You see, our two lines of work dovetail beautifully.
COUNTESS: Very interesting.
DOCTOR: Yes.
COUNTESS: I was rather under the impression that Mister Duggan was following me.
DOCTOR: Ah. Well, you're a beautiful woman, probably, and Duggan was trying to summon up the courage to ask you out to dinner, weren't you, Duggan?
COUNTESS: Who sent you?
DOCTOR: Who sent me what?
COUNTESS: Doctor, the more you try to convince me that you're a fool, the more I'm likely to think otherwise. Now, it would only be the work of a moment to have you k*lled.
DOCTOR: What?
COUNTESS: Put it down.
ROMANA: It's one of those isn't it?
COUNTESS: Yes, it's a very rare and precious Chinese puzzle box. You won't be able to open it so put it down.
ROMANA: Oh, look.
SCARLIONI: Yes. Very pretty, isn't it.
ROMANA: Very. Where's it from?
SCARLIONI: From? It's not from anywhere. It's mine.
COUNTESS: My dear, these are the people who stole it from me at the Louvre.
DOCTOR: Hello there.
SCARLIONI: How very curious. Two thieves enter the Louvre gallery and come out with a bracelet. Couldn't you think of anything more interesting to steal?
DOCTOR: Well, I just thought it was awfully pretty and a terribly unusual design. Of course, it would have been much nicer to have stolen one of the pictures, but I've tried that before and all sorts of alarms go off which disturbs the concentration.
SCARLIONI: Yes, it would. So you stole the bracelet simply because it's pretty?
DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I think it is. Don't you?
SCARLIONI: Yes.
COUNTESS: My dear, I don't think he's as stupid as he seems.
SCARLIONI: My dear, nobody could be as stupid as he seems.
DOCTOR: Oh.
SCARLIONI: This interview is at an end.
DOCTOR: Good. Well, we'll be off. A quick stagger up the Champs Elysees, perhaps a bite at Maxims. What do you think, Romana?
ROMANA: Maxims
SCARLIONI: I think a rather better idea would be if Hermann were to lock you into the cellar. I should hate to lose contact with such fascinating people.
DOCTOR: Ah. Duggan, what are you doing? For heavens sake, that's a Louis Quinze.
DUGGAN: But you're not going to let them lock us up
DOCTOR: Just behave like a civilised guest. I do beg your pardon, Count.
SCARLIONI: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Now, Hermann, if you'd just be kind enough to show us to our cellar, we'd be terribly grateful. Do come along, my good chap.
SCARLIONI: You really should be more careful with your trinkets, my dear. After all, we do have a Mona Lisa to steal.
DOCTOR: How long's the Chateau been here, Hermann?
HERMANN: Long enough.
DOCTOR: Really, that long? Restored four or five hundred years ago?
HERMANN: May have been.
DOCTOR: Very stimulating, very stimulating. And this would be the cellar, would it?
HERMANN: Doctor, your boring conversation does not interest me.
DOCTOR: Really. Good Lord, a laboratory. Are you locking us into a laboratory?
HERMANN: In here.
DOCTOR: Oh, I'd much rather stay out here. This looks so interesting.
HERMANN: In here, I said.
HERMANN: You may light it if you wish.
ROMANA: How long's this thing going to last us?
HERMANN: Two hours, maybe three.
DOCTOR: What happens after that?
HERMANN: After that, you won't need any light.
DUGGAN: What do you think you're playing at?
DOCTOR: Shush. Light the lamp.
DUGGAN: There's only one match.
DOCTOR: Then get it right.
DUGGAN: You tell me to get it right? We could have escaped at least twice if you hadn't
DOCTOR: Exactly, exactly. What's the point of coming all the way here just to escape immediately? What we do is, we stay here.
DUGGAN: Yes?
DOCTOR: Let them think they've got us safe.
DUGGAN: Yes?
DOCTOR: Then we escape. Light the lamp. Come on.
DUGGAN: Well?
DOCTOR: It's not working.
DUGGAN: Oh, you and your stupid ideas.
DOCTOR: Don't!
DUGGAN: Well, what else use is it?
DOCTOR: It was useful against the Daleks on Skaro.
DUGGAN: What?
DOCTOR: Oh, you wouldn't remember. Never mind.
DUGGAN: That's all I need. Locked in a cellar, no way out, and two raving lunatics for company.
DOCTOR: It's working. Would you like to stay on as my scientific advisor?
ROMANA: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes?
ROMANA: The horizontal length of the stairs is about six metres, isn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose so. Why?
ROMANA: Well, this room runs alongside the stairs, and it's only two point seven three metres in length.
DOCTOR: That's fascinating. Shall we look at the lab first?
DUGGAN: Right, let's get out of here.
DOCTOR: No. There are bound to be a couple of guards at the top of the stairs.
DUGGAN: Exactly. I'm about ready to thump somebody.
DOCTOR: I want to look at the lab first.
DUGGAN: What use is looking at the lab?
DOCTOR: In the last few hours I've been thumped, threatened, abducted and imprisoned. I've found a piece of equipment which is not of Earth technology and I've been through two time slips. I think this lab might have something to do with it.
DUGGAN: Cut that stuff out, will you? What about the Mona Lisa?
DOCTOR: What about it?
DUGGAN: Do you reckon the Count and Countess are out to steal it?
DOCTOR: Yes.
DUGGAN: I don't know about you, but I'm going to stop them.
DOCTOR: They're not going to steal it at five o'clock in the afternoon, are they?
DUGGAN: Why not?
DOCTOR: Because the Louvre is still open.
DUGGAN: Oh, yes.
DOCTOR: Now, while we're here, why don't you and I find out how they're going to steal it and why. Or are you just in it for the thumping?
DUGGAN: I'm in it mainly to protect the interests of the art dealers who employ
DOCTOR: I know, but mainly for the thumping. What do you think Romana's up to?
DUGGAN: I don't know.
DOCTOR: Nor do I. Looks intriguing, don't you think?
DUGGAN: I don't care. I'm going.
DOCTOR: What?
DOCTOR: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
KERENSKY: Who are you?
DOCTOR: Me?
KERENSKY: Yes, who are you? What are you doing here?
DOCTOR: Me? I'm the Doctor. What you're doing is terribly interesting, but you've got it wrong.
SCARLIONI: A truly remarkable piece of equipment, I hope you'll agree. It makes the impossible, possible.
SCARLIONI: Perhaps the Professor should see it. I should like him to know that while he is no doubt a genius, the man he is working for is altogether more clever.
HERMANN: Without question, sir. Shall I go and fetch the Professor, Excellency?
SCARLIONI: Yes. Ah, no. No, I would not disturb the work. Besides, I don't think our Professor would be very amused. Are we ready?
HERMANN: Yes, Excellency.
SCARLIONI: Then let us begin.
KERENSKY: Wrong? What are you talking about?
DOCTOR: Well, you're tinkering with time. That's always a bad idea unless you know what you're doing.
KERENSKY: I know what I'm doing. I am the foremost authority on temporal theory in the whole world.
DOCTOR: The whole world?
KERENSKY: Yes.
DOCTOR: Well, that's a very small place when you consider the size of the universe.
KERENSKY: Ah, but who can?
DOCTOR: Oh, some can. And if you can't, you shouldn't tinker with time.
KERENSKY: But you saw it work. The greatest achievement of the human race. A cellular accelerator. You saw it! An egg developed into a chicken in thirty seconds. With a large one, I can turn a calf into a cow in even less time. It will be the end of famine in the world.
DOCTOR: It'll be the end of you, if you're not careful, never mind the cow. Look.
KERENSKY: Well, there are a few technical problems.
DOCTOR: A few technical problems! No, no, no. The whole principle you're working on is wrong. You can stretch time backwards or forwards within that bubble, but you can't break into it or out of it. It's true you have created a different time continuum, but it's totally incompatible with ours.
KERENSKY: Ah. I don't know what you mean.
DOCTOR: Have you tried this?
DOCTOR: That's a more interesting effect, don't you think? Did you know when you built that it could do something like that?
KERENSKY: No. What did you do?
DOCTOR: What do you mean, what did I do? I just reversed the polarity. This is very expensive equipment, isn't it?
KERENSKY: Oh, very expensive. The Count is very generous. A true philanthropist. I do not ask too many questions.
DOCTOR: Well, you'd. What's your name?
KERENSKY: Kerensky.
DOCTOR: Kerensky?
KERENSKY: Theodore Nikolai Kerensky.
DOCTOR: Theodore Nikolai Kerensky, a scientist's job is to ask questions. You should
DOCTOR: Theodore. Theo. Kerensky! He's fainted.
DUGGAN: No, I hit him. Now, can we stop wondering about conjuring tricks with chickens and get out of this place?
DOCTOR: Yes, that's your philosophy, isn't it. If it moves, hit it. He's going to be all right. If you do that one more time, Duggan, I'm going to take very, very severe measures.
DUGGAN: Yeah? Like what?
DOCTOR: I'm going to ask you not to.
ROMANA (OOV.): Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes?
ROMANA: I was right.
DOCTOR: About what?
ROMANA: Those measurements. There's another room behind the wall, bricked up.
DUGGAN: Is it important?
DOCTOR: Let's look.
DOCTOR: Very impressive.
ROMANA: The brickwork's very old.
DOCTOR: Yes, four to five hundred years.
DUGGAN: In which case it can wait another hour or two while we sort these guys out.
DOCTOR: No, no, no. In my view, a room that's been bricked up for four or five hundred years is urgently overdue for an airing.
DUGGAN: Come on, let's get out of here. We've got the Mona Lisa to worry about.
DOCTOR: Duggan.
SCARLIONI: So, there is the problem. A box constructed of steel and plate glass, but merely a physical barrier to protect the painting from att*ck. We cut through the glass with the aid of our sonic Kn*fe.
SCARLIONI: Now wait. We now come to the second and far more interesting line of defence. The laser beams. Interrupt them, and every alarm in Paris will go off instantly. To get through them, we must alter the refractive index of the very air itself. Hermann.
HERMANN: Sir.
SCARLIONI: A prismatic beam now deflects the beams and the picture is accessible.
SCARLIONI: A useful little device. Wear it always.
COUNTESS: My dear, you must be a genius.
SCARLIONI: Let's just say I come from a family of geniuses. Tonight, enough of rehearsals. Tonight, the real thing!
ROMANA: Why do you suppose the Count's got all this equipment, Doctor?
DOCTOR: He seems to be financing some dangerous experiment with time. The professor, of course, thinks he's breeding chickens.
DUGGAN: Stealing the Mona Lisa to pay for chickens?
ROMANA: Yes, but who'd want to buy the Mona Lisa? You can hardly show it if it's known to be stolen.
DUGGAN: There are at least seven people in my address book who'd pay millions for that picture for their private collection.
ROMANA: But no one could even know they'd got it!
DUGGAN: It would be an expensive gloat, but they'd buy it.
ROMANA: How are we going to move this last bit?
DOCTOR: I think I'm going to need some machinery.
DUGGAN: I've got all the machinery I need.
DOCTOR: Eh?
DUGGAN: Stand back.
ROMANA: What are they, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
DUGGAN: They've been here a long time. Get on with it.
DOCTOR: It's the Mona Lisa.
DUGGAN: Must be a fake.
DOCTOR: I don't know what's hanging in the Louvre, but this is the genuine article.
DUGGAN: What?
DUGGAN: They must be fakes.
DOCTOR: The brushwork's Leonardo's.
DUGGAN: How can you tell?
DOCTOR: It's as characteristic as a signature. The pigment, too.
DUGGAN: On all of them?
DOCTOR: Every one. What I don't understand is why a man who's got six Mona Lisas wants to go to all the trouble of stealing a seventh.
DUGGAN: Come on, Doctor, I've just told you. There are seven people who would buy the Mona Lisa in secret, but nobody's going to buy the Mona Lisa when it's hanging in the Louvre!
ROMANA: Of course. They'd each have to think they were buying the stolen one.
DUGGAN: Right.
DOCTOR: I wouldn't make a very good criminal, would I?
SCARLIONI: No. Good criminals don't get caught. I see you've found some of my pictures. Rather good, aren't they? By the end of this evening, I shall have a seventh.
DOCTOR: Can I ask you where you got these?
SCARLIONI: No.
DOCTOR: Right. Or how you knew they were here?
SCARLIONI: No.
DOCTOR: They've been bricked up a long time.
SCARLIONI: Yes.
DOCTOR: I like concise answers.
SCARLIONI: Good. I came down to find Kerensky.
DOCTOR: Oh?
SCARLIONI: But he doesn't seem to be able to speak to me.
DOCTOR: Oh.
SCARLIONI: Can you throw any light on that?
DOCTOR: No.
DUGGAN: I can.
DOCTOR: Duggan! Duggan, why is it that every time I start to talk to someone, you knock him unconscious?
DUGGAN: I didn't expect him to go down that easy.
DOCTOR: Well, if you don't understand heads, you shouldn't go about hitting them.
DUGGAN: Well, what else would you suggest?
DOCTOR: Duggan! Your job is to stop his men from stealing the Mona Lisa. The other Mona Lisa.
DUGGAN: Sorry, my lady.
DOCTOR: I should think so, too. That was a Ming vase, second dynasty. Absolutely priceless.
DUGGAN: Come on, we've got to get to the Louvre.
DOCTOR: No, you have. Romana, you look after him. I've got to go meet an Italian. Middle-aged Italian. In fact, late middle-aged. Renaissance. Come on.
DOCTOR: Hello, K9. You all right?
DOCTOR: Leonardo? Leonardo? Ah, that Renaissance sunshine. Leonardo? The paintings went down very well. Everybody loved them. Last Supper, Mona Lisa. You remember the Mona Lisa? That dreadful woman with no eyebrows who wouldn't sit still, eh? Your idea for the helicopter took a bit longer to catch on, but as I say, these things take time.
SOLDIER: You.
DOCTOR: Me?
SOLDIER: Who are you? What are you doing here?
DOCTOR: Ah, well, I just dropped by to see Leonardo, actually. Is he about?
SOLDIER: Nobody's allowed to see Leonardo.
DOCTOR: Really?
SOLDIER: He's engaged on important work for Captain Tancredi.
DOCTOR: Captain Tancredi?
SOLDIER: Do you know him?
DOCTOR: No.
SOLDIER: He'll want to question you.
DOCTOR: Well, I'll want to question him, so we can both have a little chat, can't we.
SOLDIER: He'll be here instantly.
DOCTOR: You. What are you doing here?
TANCREDI: I think that is exactly the question I ought to be asking you, Doctor.
`
The Doctor
TOM BAKER
Romana
LALLA WARD
Count Scarlioni / Scaroth
JULIAN GLOVER
Countess Scarlioni
CATHERINE SCHELL
Duggan
TOM CHADBON
Hermann
KEVIN FLOOD
Professor Kerensky
DAVID GRAHAM
Louvre Guide
PAMELA STIRLING
Designer
RICHARD McMANN-SMITH
Incidental Music
DUDLEY SIMPSON
Script Editor
DOUGLAS ADAMS
Producer
GRAHAM WILLIAMS
Directed by
MICHAEL HAYES
TOM BAKER
Romana
LALLA WARD
Count Scarlioni / Scaroth
JULIAN GLOVER
Countess Scarlioni
CATHERINE SCHELL
Duggan
TOM CHADBON
Hermann
KEVIN FLOOD
Professor Kerensky
DAVID GRAHAM
Louvre Guide
PAMELA STIRLING
Designer
RICHARD McMANN-SMITH
Incidental Music
DUDLEY SIMPSON
Script Editor
DOUGLAS ADAMS
Producer
GRAHAM WILLIAMS
Directed by
MICHAEL HAYES