A Love You (2015)

[bunniefuu]

It's ringing.

Hey, dad?

Yes, how are you?

I'm okay. I mean...

No, it's just
that I'm at the police station.

Apparently, it turns out that I...

I dumped on the car last night.

No, it's ours. It's our car.

Dad?

I don't know, I got cut off.

He's got no signal.

Do you mind if I make another call?

You often sh*t on your car?

I told you,
I didn't know it was mine.

Or else I wouldn't sh*t on it.

It's not your first prank.

So I see.

At New Year's,

you flashed butt naked at the...

President.

On March 17,

you rode a sh**ter...

A scooter, butt naked, in Paris.

It's written dead small.

You see, the 17th's my birth...

You're not allowed to hit me.

Cut out the butt naked stuff,
or I'm taking you down.

Projects kids don't scare me.

I'm from uptown.

It's lucky for you,
your dad's treating my prostate.

Beat it.

Before I smoke ya!

Goodbye.

Fred, you're home. I'm saved.

- What's going on?
- Get me to Avignon.

- What?
- Avignon, down south.

- When?
- Right now.

Forget it.

It's crucial I get to Avignon.

- How come?
- To find the love of my life.

- Yeah, right.
- I'm not kidding.

I'm in love.

You're in love,
so I get to go to Avignon? For a chick?

For the chick!
Cut a long story short...

Please do.

At your party last night,
I met the most wonderful girl.

We drank, we laughed, we made love.

Except, this morning, she'd gone.

The b*tch!

No, she left me this.

Saturday 8 pm.
5, Avenue des Peupliers, Avignon.

What is this sh*t?

It's a test.
The chick blew my mind.

If we leave now, we'll get there for 8.

Your hookups are none of my business.

You don't get it. This is serious.

No, you don't get it.
What's serious is my dad's house.

If I don't clean this mess, we're dead.

Just a sec.

Excuse me!

What the f*ck?

I'm a buddy of Stephanie's.

I don't know Stephanie,
so just beat it.

After I finish this game.

As soon as you're done then.

C'mon, let's go.

I'm going nowhere.

When you needed me,
I was always there for you.

I never asked you anything.

Ask! I'm never far away.

I'm your best friend, aren't I?

That's not the point. I can't do it.

We'll talk tomorrow.

Just a sec.

- Is the dog yours?
- No.

Tomorrow's too late. It says so.

I totally need you. It's huge.

Hey, guys.

She showed me her t*ts.

Sorry.

- Only you can help.
- Why me?

Out of all my friends,
you're the only one with...

wheels.

I get it. What about a train?

No, none of my buddies has a train.

Right.

- You'll help?
- Screw that!

You're bailing on me.
You don't give a sh*t about my problems.

Don't worry, it's cool,

I can get by on my own.

I'm so disappointed.

I've often been betrayed,
never by my bestie.

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Alright, have fun.

Is this yours? The pony?

Let's get this straight.

The chick's in Paris last night
and Avignon this morning?

What's she drive? A Concorde?

To find her again, that's all I have.

She's messing with you.

How come?

How come?
Think with your brain, not your ba*ls.

She doesn't wanna see you again.

She scribbles down a bullshit address
and you buy it, you idiot.

Maybe she caught a hi-speed train early.

I was asleep, so she gave her address,
not explanations.

How come
she didn't just put her number?

No mobile, maybe.

Even my granny has a mobile.

Maybe she thinks it's overrated.

Bullshit, man.

I know it sounds stupid,

but I bet you it's a test.

To see if we're on the same wavelength.

Or as dumb as each other. Gimme those.

I get it. It's all about you.

- You didn't say.
- You didn't ask.

- Want me to drive some?
- No way.

Don't wanna end up in a ditch, thanks.

Take the highway!

You'll pay the toll?

It'll take forever. I'm in a hurry.

Maybe so, but this way's cheaper.

What's up?

I thought you'd dozed off.

You idiot! You scared me!

Sorry.

I'll go back to sleep.

It could be worse.
We could be in a ditch.

Have a good laugh, that's right.

Chill, no one died.

Sure they did. My phone for starters.

sh*t!

- Mine too.
- So what?

Try to find us a way back to Paris.

Paris? No way!

I mean, screw it,

we'll come back for the car.

Sorry, if I don't find her, I'm in sh*t!

Because we're not already in sh*t?

A pony in the house, my car in a lake,
and my phone's bust.

You can live without a phone!

- Where you going?
- Sorry, dude!

My car!

No time. Gotta be there before 8!

Move it! Let's find a train!

Thank you, ma'am.

Tickets, please.

Thank you.

Morning, gents.

Morning.

Tickets, please.

Actually, we had a car crash.

We couldn't buy a ticket,
we lost all our stuff...

- In the water.
- The water?

A kind of lake.

We dozed off and drove into a lake.

We caught the first train to Avignon,
so we wouldn't be...

too late.

For a date.

So, no tickets?

To tell you the truth...

I fell in love with a girl last night

and I'm meeting her
in Avignon tonight at 8.

- You fell in love?
- Yes.

Why didn't you say so?
That changes everything.

I just knew you'd understand.

b*tch!

Stupid as*h*le conductor!

Forget it.
Only rapists pick up hitchhikers now.

Why don't you try?

There's no chance.

Only creeps hitchhike,
so no one stops. That's life.

We're creeps?

So quit bullshitting!

Don't you think
I've done enough for one day?

Know what?
You have no taste for adventure!

Here we go.

Won't stop.

Will. He's a nice guy.

Fascist!

A problem, asswipe?

What the hell! Guy's nuts!

That's right, beat it...

Asswipe!

Asswipe yourself!

I'm no asswipe, wrinkly as*h*le!

See what that hick did?

Lucky I'm Zen
or I'd beat the sh*t outta him.

Yeah, I saw what he did. You okay?

I have no taste for adventure?

Knock it off!

Help me instead of sitting there.
Are we buddies or not? Stop a car!

- I need a leak.
- You bet I'll stop a car.

Good luck!

Chill out.

Shitty woods! Crappy countryside!

Just need one to come along.

Hello.

How you doing?

How many of you? Where to?

No, actually, it's cool.

Thanks anyway, cuz.

Jump in.
I'll go wherever you want.

Seriously, bro.
We're just hanging here.

I got something for you.

Eucalyptus candy.

Going 10 km in 2 hours,
we're not interested.

Beat it.

You're a r*cist!

Get lost, with your perv candy!

Yeah, that's right.

He stopped. Why didn't he take us?

What did you say?

It was nasty, chickens everywhere.
I'm not catching myxomatosis!

He was a druggie,
so sweet it had to be suspicious.

sh*t, we're in a hurry!

f*ck it.

The name's Lucien, but call me Lulu.

That way, it's more relaxed.

I'm Fred.

Manu.

You lucked out.
These days, I don't pick up hitchhikers.

I make an exception for guys like you.

Grade-A suckers!

Holy sh*t!

So, you're out and about?

Yeah.

h*m*?

- Not a bit.
- We're not g*y.

I mean, you ever just hop in the shower
with your buddy?

Never.

It's cool. I've got nothing against them.

Anyway...

I got my g*n.

Hold it.

Hold it!

Well?

Check it out. Big, isn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty impressive.

Don't like it?

Sure!

Yeah, sure. I get it.

- Get what?
- I get it!

Non-violence, Village People,
Kylie Minogue, the whole shebang.

I get it, I'm not dumb.

So what do you do?

We're students.

Yeah? Studying what?

At med school.

Smells good.
Is that you, smells good?

I don't think so.

Funny..

What are you doing on the road?
Traveling? Vacation?

I wish.

Actually, it's complicated.

Anything to do with the sh*t on his face?

- The sh*t on my face?
- Take a look.

What the hell!

Couldn't you tell me?

I thought you knew.

If I'd known, I'd have washed it off.

Think about it.

What's the story?

You ran away from home
because you're madly in love.

Your folks can't accept you, right?

No, wrong.

Actually, I met a girl
and I need to talk to her.

Call her instead of hitting the road.

I don't know her name or number.
Just an address she gave me.

It's a sex thing.

It's not about sex.

I had the most amazing night of my life.

She needs to know.
You don't say that stuff over the phone.

I gotta see her.

He has to see her.

- Understand?
- Sure, I understand.

I'm not stupid.

So she's an eccentric, this chick.

And you're the g*y one.

Like we said, neither of us is g*y.

It's funny,
I fell in love at first sight once, too.

Just the same. We hit it off right away.

On the Dunkirk-Le Havre road.

One holy hell of a love story!

It's over?

Yeah, it's over.

It last long?

Dunkirk-Le Havre, three hours.

Myriam, she was called.

Wasn't much to look at.

I often think about Myriam,
wondering if she was the love of my life.

I got this for her.

Why "A love you"?

It means "I love you" in English.

I love you.

That's what I just said.
Are you stupid?

Why "A"? Is it like a pun?

Forget it, let it go.

- I'm taking an interest.
- Cut it out.

What's the problem here?

I don't know, it's romantic.

You never told a chick you love her?

Sure, but you say "I" not "A."

Why "A"? Is it somebody's initials?

What the f*ck!

What's up, faggies?
You're starting to bust my ba*ls!

It's not my fault
you have a spelling mistake on your arm.

sh*t! Gimme the g*n.

- I'm sorry...
- Gimme that!

Really sorry.

Get out fast!

You f*ck!

He'll k*ll us!

- Run!
- He's a psycho! He'll k*ll us!

I got a stone in my shoe!

That's funny.

Okay, I'm sorry.

How could I know he'd be offended?

He's a trucker, dipshit!

Not a professor of modern languages!

Quit jerking my chain.

If you used your head not your heart,
we wouldn't be here.

What does that mean?

He was going to Avignon.

You think the chick
will fall into your arms when you arrive?

What do you know about love?
Your relationships last 3 days.

Maybe so, but 3 awesome days every time.

I believe in love at first sight, see?

You're stuck in your dull life and...

there she is.

And you know it's her.

Mine's in Avignon.

You're busting my ba*ls.

sh*t, there are chicks everywhere.

You don't have to go to Avignon
to find one.

Look on internet, facebook, youporn,
they're everywhere.

And mostly butt naked!

- You don't get it.
- I don't get it?

You've got sand in your eye.

You've got sand in your a*s!

- That doesn't make sense.
- I know.

In Titanic, if Di Caprio had asked
for the facebook of Kate Winslet,

what a great movie!

Whose world do you live in?

Romance is finished. Dead and buried.

Except on St. Valentine's
to have a clear conscience.

Don't worry,
my conscience is clear all year.

What's that? What did you say?
What's your argument?

What did you just say?

Nothing. I knew it. Good job.

My conscience works fine.

You are totally sealed off.

Dreams are forbidden.
Everything's closed.

How do you know you won't run into
the love of your life right here?

Yeah, you are so right.

Between the chicken breeder
and Hotshot Lulu, I must've missed her.

- Take your blinkers off, dammit!
- Amazing!

I'm not saying
you wait here like a grinch.

I'm asking you
to dare to provoke fate.

Maybe you're right, it's not her
and she's already forgotten me.

But I'm psyched, dreaming about it.

So, yes, I'm going to Avignon.

What else is there?
Slobbing on the couch scarfing chips?

I need to go.

I want to go with my bestie.

You're so busting my ba*ls!

It'll be cool, for sure.

It's gonna be crazy sh*t!

Since last night, it's crazy sh*t.

Dude, we're gonna have
our most amazing adventure ever.

We're gonna meet fantastic people.

We're gonna see fabulous scenery.

Like real globetrotters.

Like The Amazing Race
in our own backyard.

Yes, totally, that's right.

It's gonna be great.

We'll sleep under the stars,
no need of anything.

Or anyone.

No pressure!

The amazing space cadet!

Fred?

What now?

I'm cramping up big time.
We can't walk all day.

It's not my fault
we haven't got a car.

It's never your fault.

Stop bitching, dammit!

Enjoy the scenery.

Look! Isn't that beautiful?

Beautiful!

We don't take enough time out
to contemplate the countryside, nature!

It's alive!

It's beautiful, vast.
It's virgin, pure and clean!

Totally.

What the heck!

You okay?

Not okay.
I just got hit by a car.

- Is he hurt?
- He'll be okay.

No damage, I hope.

C'mon, your car's fine!

- Look before you cross!
- Watch when you drive!

What gives, in the middle of the road?

We're hitchhiking.

sh*t, just put your thumb out.

See my thumb?

- Nice.
- Good luck!

He's sh1tting us?

'Scuse me!

How about you give us a ride?

- How come?
- Come off it.

You half-k*ll him,
you take him to the hospital.

The hospital? He's not hurt.

My back kind of aches. My head too.

Your head? Forget it.

If he says it hurts, it hurts.

Just in case,
take us to Avignon Hospital.

Avignon?
There's no hospital closer?

Dunno.
But I'm sure there's one in Avignon.

Hey, you know,

I witnessed an accident...

Your plate's kind of easy to remember.

353 BWX 18.

13!

Good. You didn't fall for it.

Some of the way, that's all.

There you go. That's cool.

Big guy, get the sh*t off your shoes.

- Funny, I'm headed for Avignon.
- Seriously. That's perfect.

Don't get excited.
I didn't say I'd take you.

What are you doing there?

- I'm meeting a girl.
- You're hooking up too?

What's her name? Hot?

Not bad.

Describe her. Her face, her t*tties.

t*tties first.

Actually,
it's more complicated than that.

It's not for the sex.

What for then?

Good point. What for then?

Love!

Love? No sh*t!

- Sounds dumb, right?
- Sure.

It's a chick he slept with last night,

now he's headed south to meet her.

Yeah, dumb.

It's not dumb!

You wouldn't understand.

Clearly, you never lucked out
with a beautiful stranger.

Sure, but to run after her,
she's gotta be smoking hot.

I'm not talking about sex!

I'm the only romantic here?

Maybe the only one in France.

The only one with a buddy in makeup.

- No, last night...
- Don't give a sh*t!

Seriously,
you're telling me you're in love

with a chick you banged
for the first time last night?

Yes.

It was magic.

Magic? You were a virgin?

No, dammit!
There's more to life than f*cking.

There's loving.
The verb, to love. Heard of it?

To love, sure. To f*ck's better.

What? You never fell in love?

No.

My kids' mother doesn't count.

- How come?
- It's not the same.

- Not the same?
- Look, here's some advice.

It's philosophy, you know.

What gets me off is f*cking.

Chicks are like us now.
They wanna have a blast.

Don't go thinking they're romantics.

They don't want to be serenaded.
They want to get laid.

There you go.

If you wanna talk about love,
that's cool,

but the only advice I can give is...

Check out those b*tches!

Hey, girls!

I'm gonna jump your bones.

That's crazy, so are we.

- We're not!
- We bang 'em first, talk later.

You want to put your stuff in the trunk?

- Get in the back.
- Why?

Get in the back, I said.

Move your a*s!

Allow me...

Here come Simon and Garfunkel.

We've got one.

Flowers for my b*tches!

Please, that's the decoration.

He's a pal.

We gonna f*ck or play scrabble?

Girls!

b*tches love champagne!

So, what are your names?

That's so ugly.

I'm still gonna bone you.

Patrick Harris.

What's going on?

Who cares? I don't care.
They don't care. Nobody cares.

So he's

a very, very good pal.

Name?

- I don't know.
- Pick a name.

Don't bust my ba*ls,
choose a moniker.

Make an effort. Who cares!

Ben Harper.

That totally sucks.

His real name's Marcel Proust.

Total freaks.

Forget him,
he's a pain in the butt.

- Guy Moquet.
- g*y Moquet?

He's in a bad mood.
Sad about being ex*cuted by the Germans.

As if we care.

Us see France.

Quick, it's going down the pan.

What an airhead!

Globetrotters.

Stinky feet but they put out.
I love it!

So, girls...

I'm not gonna bone you on the bar.

Firing range this way.

What's with the long face?

What a player.

What a prick!

sh*t, it's indelible.

Trouble is, she hasn't seen
a single Yves Montand movie.

You're kidding me?

Besides A Man and A Woman.

Yves Montand's not in it.
It's Tringtignant.

I know. That's what I said.

sh*t, I didn't make it. I suck!

One day
won't make any difference. It's cool.

It's cool?

Okay, if it's cool.

Jack misses The Titanic,
he's playing poker. It's cool.

Romeo never meets Juliet

and f*ck the two chicks
from ABBA. It's cool.

Snow White
never bangs the 7 dwarfs.

Snow White doesn't bang the dwarfs.

You never saw the making-of.

This is getting stupid.

You're being stupid here.

Love is about doing the impossible.

Catching a train without a ticket.

Catching a plane when you...

don't have a ticket either.

Proving your love in unbelievable ways.

Anything without a ticket, basically.

Who do you think you are? Lord Byron?

This isn't a movie.
You'll find your chick.

Love isn't a 100m sprint.

It's long-distance.

You know everything
'cause you're in love.

I know nothing 'cause I love boobies.

Expand on that.

Expand on what?

Your theory about love and athletics.

There's nothing to expand.

I just think
running after love is pointless.

It's guys like you that have no idea.

You're so scared of missing
your soulmate, you'll do anything.

Now, I think

that if soulmates
and all that really exist,

I'll end up meeting her one day, see.

Destiny.

Meantime, I'm happy boning chicks.

The love of my life is out there.

She'll get here,
she's on her way.

- She's on her way?
- On her way.

Okay, f*g boys?

Great rooms.

Yeah, thanks.

You'll pay me back tomorrow.

Awesome, TV Cats!

You don't mind if I watch?

I loved that as a kid.

He freaked me out,
whiskers like my dad's.

Mom tried to stop us watching.

She said it was for ret*rds.

Mom's dead now.

Had a stroke on the freeway.

Wanted me to be an actor,
never lived to see it.

Cookies?

- You're an actor?
- No.

Could have been.

You've got a big nose. Watch!

No! A trifle short, young man!

Think of all you might have said,

varying the tone, such as,

I, sir, if I had a nose such as that,

I should immediately chop it off!

Well?

Right, that's...

Good, huh?

Full on.

C'mon, let's g*ngb*ng 'em.

Have us an orgy!

Thanks, but no thanks.

C'mon, it'll be fun.

Watch Patrick boning Sweden!

We agreed to meet in their a*s

My pals, my chicks, my crib

Guys, they're waiting in my room.

Don't sit there watching TV.

Okay, we'll be right there.

Bone 'em?

- We're coming.
- I'll be waiting.

It's now.

If either of you wants to finger my a*s,
I'm down with that.

Move it.

Room 116.

Tonight is orgy night

Orgy night!

We're taking off.

In the middle of the night?

I'm not staying here with a psycho.

Hold on, I'm not going right now.

Love, the 100m, she's on her way...

If I wait for her and she waits for me,
we all wait and don't meet.

Do what you want, but I'm hauling out.

My finger goes nowhere near his a*s!

Not right now, I'm sick of walking.

You're a pain in the butt! Wait!

Hold on, I'm starving.

Manu!

sh*t!

What's going on?

sh*t, you're kidding me.

sh*t!

Dammit! Manu!

10That's gotta hurt.

- You're family?
- Sure.

Well, for you...

Actually, it's bad news. He's dead.

He just got his arm stuck.

And the other ripped off.

And both legs cut off below the knees.

There must be some mistake.

I doubt it.
It was the hang-gliding accident?

No, M&M's.

Lefranc family?

No.

Lefranc?

Yes.

There you go.
She's blind but she's not deaf.

Nobody taught you any manners?

Take a seat.

Jeez, Fred.

You okay?

Alright.

Good man!

In a few days,
you'll see the big picture.

Right or left?

Right.

Let's go left then.

I'm Clémence. And you?

Hello.

Fred. And he's Manu.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Same here.
- What's that on your face?

Some nasty people did that
while I was sleeping.

Very bad people
who did very bad things.

You want some candy?

Take one and bounce.

What are you doing? Are you nuts?

You don't give candy
to a kid you don't know.

Go naked with a coat on, why not!

It's just a chocolate. Okay, I won't.

No, it's too late.

- You can't offer it and take it back.
- Make your mind up.

Take a candy.

Thanks.

Are you stupid or what?

- Pardon me?
- You look really weird.

No, we don't.

It's because we're a bit tired.

Why?

We've walked a long way.

- Why?
- Why do you ask so many questions?

- Can't you answer?
- She's sh1tting me.

Knock it off.

We're hitchhiking to Avignon.

Avignon? Beautiful city.

Population 86,000.

- Why are you going to Avignon?
- I'm in love with a girl there.

What's her name?

- I've no idea.
- So you don't know her?

Sure I do. Forget it.
You're too young, it's complicated.

I've been in love with boys.

You've been in love? Get her!

- How old are you?
- 8.

What do you know about love?

Stop, take it easy.

You can fall in love at any age.

Love at age 8
can be as strong as for adults.

Even stronger sometimes.

You won't say that at 16
when you fall for a huge as*h*le

who dumps you
for your friend with big t*ts.

Then you can talk to us about love.

Calm down.

And she's ugly!

You okay?

What are you doing here alone?
Where are your parents?

- I'm waiting for Dad.
- Where is he?

In the white van.

Taking it for a test ride.

See, know-it-all!
Go see what Dad's up to.

And your mom?

She left us when I was tiny.

Here you go.

Keep it.

You feel sorry for me
because my mom left us?

No, it's so you'll shut up. Beat it!

I told you
not to talk to strangers. Let's go.

Who gave you those?

Those two there.

Who gave my girl candy?

Him.

Yeah, it was me.

You creep.

Come again?

I said, It was me, you creep.

Want me to break your other arm?

In front of your daughter?

Try it, if you have any strength left.

Pervert.

Us, perverts?
Tell me I'm hearing things!

- Teach your kid some manners.
- Cool it.

You wanna fight?

We're in favor of non-violence.

I guessed as much.

I'm still wavering.

Pathetic.

- Lucky her, with you for a dad.
- Right.

See what happens
when you give a kid candy?

Say hi to your wife.

Hey, babes, who's next?

I get car sick.

No, thanks.

Don't know what you're missing.

Hold on, she's going.

I'm not stopping her.

Maybe she can give us a lift.

What?
We're not going to ride with a hooker.

You don't even know her. C'mon!

So then...

Want to have some fun now?

Hello, we were wondering
if you could give us a ride.

No, sorry, I don't give rides for free.

From here to eternity...

there'll be hookers.

Aren't you hungry?

- What is it?
- Food.

Call that food? Cheese and gum?

It's all that'd fit in my pockets.
All the more for me.

We're scraping the barrel.

It's a nightmare. We'll never get there.

You think I'm having fun here?

I hope your chick's worth it.
I'm starting to hate her.

You can't imagine how amazing she is.

True, I can't.

For a guy who'd do anything for love,

you're not very imaginative.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll steal a car.

- That's a dumb idea.
- It's an idea already.

Count me out. Gum yes, cars no.
I'm no gangster.

No sweat. I'll take the rap.

Just say I forced you.

- Okay, which one?
- There.

- I'm not stealing a Kangoo.
- How come?

It sucks.

We're not buying it.
Design, color, who cares!

If you see a Ferrari, let me know.

If we're gonna steal a car,
at least steal one we like.

How do you plan on starting it?

Hot wire it.

Hot wire it?

Bruce Willis?

Teenage kids do it.

I didn't go to college
to take sh*t from a Kangoo.

The trick's getting in. Coat hanger?

Sure, I always carry one. Move.

No, that's the wipers.

Horn.

Hazards.

Horn again.

Is this play-by-play?

The dad's hair is roux.

So what?

- But he has a Kangoo.
- So?

That makes Kangaroux.

- We're not getting anywhere.
- Thank you, I know.

Assholes!

You need glasses or what?

Shut your cake hole!

Could've been worse.

Sure, they could've ripped our arms off.

For instance.

That's right, beat it!

Hey.

Hi.

Tanning?

Tanning.

You always go naked or just today?

We got our clothes stolen by...

We got our clothes stolen.

And we're hitchhiking.

Dressed,
we never got a ride, so naked...

Are the cops after you?

No, don't worry.

I don't think so, at least.

With our luck, who knows?

We're not perverts
or anything, rest assured.

I don't get it, but that's cool.

My name's Juliette.

Manu.

Fred.

Nice to meet you.

We just drove through a village.

I'll see if there's a bus. You...

Maybe there'll be clothes.

5 km butt naked, no thanks.

You can stay here then.

I'll give it a try.

Let's go, we don't have a better idea.

Great.
We had Romeo, now we've got Juliette.

Usually, people draw on the plaster.

I know, thanks.

You don't say much.

I'm trying to do 3 things at once.

As in?

Walk, hold the leaves and act casual.

And him?

He's different. A free spirit.

He's got a date with destiny.

You sound delighted.

Look, I trashed my car, lost my clothes
and bust my arm...

And I'm sick of running into losers.

Nice to know I'm a loser.

I didn't mean you.

What's his problem?

His problem is himself.

His problem
is he believes in nothing.

His problem is that he's one big problem.
That's his problem.

I see.

What are you doing on the road?

Trying to get where we should be.

Where's that?

Avignon.

And you? You...

I was going on vacation to Nice.

I guess I'll head back to Paris.

Broken heart?

More complicated than that.

Me too, it's complicated.

Go on, tell me.

It'll take too long.

Another 3 km should be enough.

What a wonderful adventure!

Truly, I envy you.

When I say I envy you,

I envy
your youthful spirit, your freedom.

If I had my time over,
I'd do exactly the same, my boy.

You know, I encountered true love
when I was only 14 years old.

- You did?
- Yes.

30 years and counting.

Right, but that's not the same.

Sure it is, my boy. Even better, in fact.

The love of God is a miracle.
It is heaven sent.

Love is psychological.
Physical love

passes by, like the seasons.

It is a leaf in the wind,
destined to dry out.

You know, the body
always deserts us in the end.

Look at Brigitte Bardot.

Says it all.

Up and at 'em!
Don't just sit there, butt naked.

Sister Monique!

b*tch!

Only God's love accompanies you
through every ordeal in life.

It's true, children.

God won't dump you by text message.

This way. Careful, slippery.

God doesn't file for divorce.

God doesn't g*ngb*ng.

Wipe your feet.

Careful, it comes from above,
but sent by me!

And here comes Christian aid.

Watch out!

You'll find all you need to cover up.

I'll wait for you downstairs.

What's all this?
I'm not wearing ugly duds like that.

Stay naked, it suits you.

No, thanks. It's getting embarrassing.

You like her, right?

- Who?
- Juliette.

Not a bit.

- Oh yeah?
- No way.

She's not at all my type.

The smartass type.

I'm sure she likes you.

Seriously?

You made quite an impression
with your junk.

You idiot.

sh*t, I can't wear this stuff.

What the hell are these threads?

Try that for size.

You like rock.

Absolutely. And why not?

Ave Maria gets tired after a while.

Being a man of the church
is no reason to miss out on good music.

I had an idea
for a band with Sister Monique.

John and The Nun.

It never got off the ground.

Suits you perfectly.

I felt less ridiculous butt naked.

Definitely not.

I can't go see her like this.

Don't judge the Good Book by its cover.
Right, father?

'Scuse me...

Toilets?

The latrines!

I'll escort you.

It's around the back. Which reminds me...

So how come
you don't call your boyfriend?

My boyfriend?

Yeah, the guy with the flash car.
If you call, he'll come pick you up.

He's not my boyfriend, he's my dad.

- Really?
- He can go to hell.

Why do you ask?

No reason.

It's funny, I have a friend
at med school with me,

he met his girlfriend
on a country road.

Ever since, they're inseparable.
Crazy love.

Wouldn't happen to me.

Goodbye, children.
May God watch over you.

Thanks a lot.

Goodbye, my pretty one.

- Thanks...
- Hold on, champion.

Go for it.

And when you're there with her,

use a condom.

Thanks.

But I'm not going there

to sleep with her.
It's to tell her I love her.

Yes, God is love, and so on.
But use a condom.

Run along.

Goodbye.

Wait for me!

Move your a*s.

Wait for him.

It's all I ever do.

I thought he was my best friend.
He's a deadweight.

- I've had enough.
- Don't take it out on me.

You want us to carry you?

I just asked you to wait.

We're waiting here!

That's all we do!

What's rattled his cage now?

With his stupid love story.

I think his story's cute.

Are you serious?

Sure I am.

I kind of like the idea of a guy
traveling across France to be with me.

- You do?
- Sure.

You wouldn't do it?
Travel across France for a girl you love?

Sure, I guess. I don't know, it depends.

Depends on what?
Would you do it or not?

Sure, I don't know.

You'd do it for a guy?

No. I'm a girl, it's different.

That's just great. Setting an example.

If a girl
travels across France for a guy,

8 times out of 10,
it's to claim unpaid child support.

And the other 2 times?

Try talking to him.

What can I say?
There's nothing doing, he's pissed off.

Say something nice.

Go on.

Look...

Don't freak out on me,
but you gotta face facts.

You're behaving like a blockhead.

You think you've got love down,
but you don't get it.

Great, coming from you,

the guy who thought
Malcolm X was a pornstar.

Who's the blockhead?

And you're not? All this for some skank.

Who are you calling a skank?
Shut the f*ck up!

Keep calm.

You know why you say that?
You're jealous.

Jealous of you?

You're jealous
and you refuse to admit it.

And admit you're hot for Juliette.

What? Bullshit!

You can't fool me.

Coming over all macho
when you're a real limpdick.

You're out of your depth.

Not on facebook
hitting on the first chick you find.

Can't you believe in the beauty of love
just once in your life?

What are you talking about, buddy?

You f*ck everything up!
Including med school!

I have to keep telling myself
you're not the world's biggest idiot.

I can't do it anymore. I give up.

You like having idiot friends.
It reassures you.

You enjoy feeling superior to people.

Get lost!

Beat it!

I'm going. I need some space.

Yeah, right.

You reek of failure.

With a hint of despair.

Loser!

Give us all a break, Mr. Selfish!
Mr. Me Me Me!

You spout sh*t and burp farts!

Comes from making out
with your sister. Jerk!

- That's saying something nice?
- It's all I could think of.

- Where are you going?
- Home. I'm sick of it.

You're bailing on him?

Me bailing on him?

Is that what you said? Me?

It's him! Talks about love,
knows nothing about friendship.

Friendship isn't
bailing when there's a problem.

Who are you to judge me?

What do you want,
just standing there like that?

You're hot for me?

You make a great couple.

We're not.
I do nothing for him, apparently.

No, I didn't say that.

You look made for each other.

I think you two make a great couple.

Thanks, that's sweet of you.

43 years together.

Right.

Anyway, I'm Marcel.

And the beautiful young lady
beside me is Raymonde.

I said you're Raymonde.

That's right.

You wave your wand
and the traffic vanishes.

Be patient with her.
She broke her hearing aid last night.

Being naughty.

How did you meet?

The village fete.

As soon as I saw her,
I knew she was the one for me.

How did you know?

I still have no idea.

All I know is, if I had my time over,

I'd do it all again.

43 years and never any doubts?

Sure, of course.

Love...

It takes work every day.

A bit more day after day.

And it'll stand the test of time.

Excuse me, can you pull over?

What are you doing?

A mistake, I think,

but he'll never do it on his own.

See you in Paris maybe.

Yeah, and you can tell me
how it works out.

Alright.

Can I get your number?

No.

Sure you can. Sorry.

It's just
I haven't got a pen or anything.

Do you have a pen, please?

Got a pen?

- A pen!
- Where are the men?

A pen!

Why didn't you say that?

Here, there you go.

Thanks.

There.

That way, somebody wrote on it at least.

See you.

Thanks a lot.

Know what? Your buddy's right.
You're a blockhead!

You couldn't even run after the damn car!

Just think what it means to me.
You never saw a Disney movie?

We had it all.

The car driving away,
the wind in our hair, sunshine...

You are so lame.

You really thought
Malcolm X was a pornstar?

Yeah.

She's coming back.

He totally screwed up.

43 years?

That kills me.

Look, there he is!

Getting anywhere?

Not right now.

I'm taking a break.

Hey, buddy, I messed up. I'm sorry.

I was wrong. It's my fault.

Cut it out.

I should be apologizing.

I didn't mean
all I said back there. Really.

That's all in the past.

Buddy!

Yvan and Karine.

Manue and David.

Fabienne and Matthieu.

Lisa and Joseph.

Po and Ben.

Manu...

and I don't know your name.

Want some?

Like them?

Sure. That's why I eat them.

You know why they're called M&M's?

That's your big pick-up line?

Just a second.

Yeah, what do you want?

You're wondering where I am at last?

I'm with two rapists
taking me to Avignon.

as*h*le!

- He's worried about you.
- He's a pain in the a*s.

He doesn't get it.

You don't wanna clean up your face?

I tried. It won't come off.

Come with me.

- Where?
- The restrooms.

What for?

No, dream on.

Come on.

Sit there.

I never asked what you do.

I'm a baker.

Seriously?

Pastry chef, actually.

Right. I love pastries.

I'm kidding. I'm an actress.

You're sh*t hot.

A sh*t hot actress.
I really believed you were a baker.

What about you?

Me? I'm at med school.

You're a crap actor.

Seriously?

Seriously, I'm at med school.

No way do you look like a doctor.

Yeah, thanks, I know.

It's a pity you're not a real baker.

Maybe I'd have enjoyed being a baker.

Is that an offer?

No. I mean, sure.

Whatever.

You choose.

I don't know if I told you...

I have a friend at med school
who met a...

An actress, like you.

Ever since, they're inseparable. It's...

You've got lots and lots of friends.

You're done.

A bit red, but better than nothing.

Thanks.

You really have no timing.

You idiot!

Hi, I'm Fred, the Idiot King.
Nice to meet you. How are you?

sh**t, I got the wrong door again.

Always like that.

Takes me back to my youth.

Look, aren't they cute!

What did you say?

That's right, bravo, ruin everything.

Anyway, we're here.

The station's there.
You can get the night train.

Thanks.

Good luck!

Goodbye.

Son...

You wanna put a move on her fast.

Know what I mean? Make everybody happy.

Do it.

Where are they going?

Where the sun don't shine!

That's a heck of a way.

What now?

Dunno.

Okay, so far I thought it was funny.
But now it's boring.

I'm hungry, cold, my feet ache...

I'm hungry too.

Me too, but none of us has any money.

I do. Where do you want to go?

Great, what do we eat?

I have a banana in my purse.

Cool, with a kiwi, we'd have fruit salad.

Go ahead, what's your suggestion?

I don't know.

Let's go over there.

We said eating, not dancing.

I bet they serve food.

There? Peanuts, maybe.

And it's hardly the VIP Room.

Great. We'll get in at least.

Evening.

Sorry, no cosplay.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, no way in.
The lady maybe, but not you.

We'll just eat and go.

We don't even want to drink.

This isn't Paris.

We noticed.

Sorry?

If we were in Paris,
not the bunghole of the world,

we'd know by now.

I'm just telling him...

Calm down.

He lets cheeseball and his chicks in,
but not us.

Is anywhere open nearby?

Sure.

Just opposite.

A comedian!
Take your act to Paris.

You all wear shorts like that in Paris?

They're hip. Get out more.

You're staying out.

as*h*le.

Run, that's right.

Wiener!

At least, we're not dressed as hicks!

What's it to be?
Tuna sandwich or tuna sandwich?

Anyway, that's all the change I have.

It had better be good.

Great!

- Where you going?
- Stretch my legs.

Go for it!

Get it on!

Enjoy!

Next time, it's on me.

I pick the restaurant.

It'll cost you.

You mean, like how much?

I don't know. Twice as much.

Evening, folks!

Sorry to barge in.

You guys got any change?

No, sorry.

I spent it all on the sandwich.

Unless you take credit cards,
but I'd be surprised.

There's no problem.

- Have a great evening, folks!
- Take it.

- What about you?
- I'll share yours.

Take it. Honestly.

Tonight, it's on me, so I decide.

I really appreciate it, miss.

Don't mention it.

There's plenty for 4,
seeing as it's only meant for 1.

Miss, sorry,
but give me a few minutes

to organize a surprise for you.

May I?

Hold on!

Five minutes!

Chill, he said
he'd organize a surprise for us.

The surprise is him
scarfing the whole sandwich.

Sir, ma'am, would you care to follow me?

Welcome to Chez Serge!

Please be so kind as to come in.

Dinner for two?

Yes, we'd like your best table.

It's your lucky day!

A couple of billionaires
canceled this very moment.

Our lucky day!

Yeah, we're lucky
he didn't run off with our food.

Say, it's very quiet this evening.

It's late, sir.

The place was packed earlier.

This is our very best table.

Reserved for dinners
of the romantic variety.

- Now that is lucky.
- Great.

May I suggest

the specialty of the house?

Finely chopped
Mediterranean red tuna on a bed

of fresh greenery,

accompanied

by our famous sesame brioche bread,

baked in a wood stove
by our master baker.

That sounds amazing!

Totally. We're having that.

Excellent choice.
You won't be disappointed.

May I offer you

a drop of wine
while you're waiting?

- Wine?
- Let's live dangerously!

Party!

It's all yours!

Thank you.

- A toast?
- A toast.

To?

A toast to

I don't know.

To us?

To us. Sounds good to me.

To us.

What do you think?

It's a bit...

Disgusting?

It was on the tip of my tongue.

Enjoy your meal, lady and gentleman.

Thank you.

See that? Great presentation.

Better than anywhere in Paris.

Tastier than I expected.

We'll have to come back.

Only for a big occasion.

To celebrate meeting each other?

That's boring.

Boring?

You often meet naked guys
by the side of the road?

No, I confess not.

Thank you.

- You want some dessert?
- With pleasure.

Tropical fruit salad.

With its crunchy chocolate accompaniment.

You read my mind.

Know what?

It's funny,
but we're sharing everything tonight.

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just
I never saw you like this before.

Really?

A totally different vision of you.

Usually, you're farther away.

I didn't mean that.

You know what?

You really have no timing.

Where you going?

I need some fresh air.

Everything as you wished?

Yes, thank you.

- Here, dessert for you.
- Thanks.

May I venture
to give you a word of advice?

No, enough already.

Okay?

Everybody gives me advice. No more.

Just give me a chocolate.

Let's hear your advice then.

Manu?

Claire? What are you doing here?

And you? You remember me now?

Of course. Are you kidding?

I didn't expect to see you here.

Same here. sh*t, Manu!

Coworkers. We're buying a factory here.

Anyway, what about you? What's new?

Still play soccer?

With the pros now.

I have a match nearby tomorrow.
I mean, later today.

That's what brings me here.

It looks like you're doing well.

Yeah, it's cool.

Holy sh*t!

Sorry, I can't stay. We have to meet up!

Yeah, sure.

You ever in New York?

Rarely.

Rarely, right now.

That's my card
with my number. Call me.

Sure.

It was great to see you.

I'm so stupid!
Can we give you a lift?

No, I'm fine.

I'm waiting for the team bus.
Due any time now.

Champions League.

Call me. Promise?

Promise.

Don't forget this time.

No, I promise to call.

See you.

What are you doing? The train's coming!

It's not how I imagined.

You imagined Cinderella's castle?

Curiously, yes.

Me too.

Anyway, I'm proud of you, buddy boy.

Proud of us, in fact. We did it.

You think she's

expecting me?

Of course she is.

Got nothing better to do.

Don't be mean.

I'm kidding. Go for it.

Go on, come inside!

She was expecting me.

You see? Go on.

Come inside, I said.

Come on!

All the way!

A bit more!

What are you doing here?

What?

Don't tell me...

sh*t! I'm so sorry.

If I'd known...

I knew about Avignon.

But I'd no idea it was for her.

Over 20,000 chicks in Avignon
and we bang the same one.

That's crazy!

Whassup?

Don't swipe his fries.

He's not hungry.

Sure, he just saw a guy
boning the love of his life.

Is that how you try to cheer me up?

C'mon,

forget it.

It's dumb,
but it's not the end of the world.

Don't break down on us.
Show some guts.

What do you know about guts?
Come off it.

You haven't got any.

You really have no timing, do you?

It was an emergency.

It's Serge. I took his advice.

Please.

Don't throw your happiness in my face.

I can't take it.

Apologies.

How about we wait till I'm done eating?

Of course.

sh*t!

All that for nothing.

What a jerk!

The wrong girl.

I told you all along.

You don't get it. I mean, it wasn't her.

It wasn't her?

It's destiny that brought me here.

Destiny? What's that?

That?

The girl I'm looking for.

It's Claire.

That's not Claire.

Absolutely not Claire.

It is, it's Claire.

The girl I came to meet.

It's destiny.

You're telling me,

my car in the lake, Hotshot Lulu,
the hospital, Vincent, all that...

It's destiny?

It's a bit more complicated than that,

but basically, yes.

You're sh1tting me?

Where does she live?

New York.

Count me out, okay?

Knock it off.

Crazy. I don't believe it!

Yeah, you know
those rapists I told you about.

Turns out, they're great guys.

Actually, it looks like
I'll be headed to New York with them.

I'm starving.

Start with the juice.

Little juice.

Little straw!

That's timing.

Look!

Not bad, huh?

Hop in. I'm going where you are.

- Hey, chickadee.
- How are you?

M&M's
You win 100,000 euros