Love & Sex (2000)

[bunniefuu]

[ Rumbling ]

[ Screaming, Echoing ]

- [ Woman ]

Falling in love is beautiful.

- [ Blowing Raspberry ]

[ Continues ]

We do it for one reason:

nothing in the world

makes us feel so good.

Don't!

That hurts!

[ Imitating ]

Don't!

Oh, poor Kate.

Let me make it better.

Ow!

You're ugly.

You're ugly!

[ Woman ]

First love is the most powerful

because no one's been hurt yet.

My first love

was Bobby Norton.

Everything he did

had a sort of magic to it.

The way he smiled,

the way he talked,

the way he walked

like my favorite actor,

Billy Jack.

Bobby was a movie star.

[ Sighs ]

Hi.

Hi.

You okay?

Maybe you shouldn't shove

so hard next time.

[ Sighs ]

My heart just got bigger.

When I look at you

like this, it looks like

you only have one eye.

[ Scoffs ]

Thank you.

[ School Bell Ringing ]

[ Woman ]

One of the many differences...

between men and women

when it comes to love...

is the need to tell the world

every little detail.

If you do choose

to spill your guts to someone,

just make sure

it isn't Becky Sussman.

Bobby, are you okay?

[ Sobbing ]

How could you do it?

What did I do?

You told everybody.

How could you do that?

All my friends

are making fun of me,

and now it's over.

It's over!

Bobby!

Bobby, I'll tell your friends

I was lying!

I'll let you

hit me harder.

[ Kate Sobbing ]

Bobby?

[ Woman ]

Love is a mine field.

You take a step,

get blown to pieces,

put yourself back

together again...

and stupidly

take another step.

I guess

that's human nature.

It hurts so much to be alone

that we'd all rather blow up

than be single.

[ Woman ]

Clouds from chimneys rise

They're something

wild and free

That river always runs

Away from here

and you and me

Honey child

Oh, my honey child

These stones

are in your hands

Through the air

across the sea

[ Fades ]

What's new, Frank?

Kate.

It, uh, doesn't

make the elevator go

any faster, Kate.

Yeah. I know.

But it makes me

feel more involved.

Are you angry?

No! Why?

Well, I just heard

this thing where

single women...

tend to be

eight times angrier

than married women.

Maybe you should write

an article about that,

since you're not married.

Uh, yeah.

[ Scoffs ]

I would, but uh--

[ Elevator Dings ]

I'm in the middle

of writing an article...

on married bald guys

who can't get hard

without Viagra.

[ Woman ]

Hold me closer

Closer still and

Closer, say I

All the ways I will

Ah, honey child

- You're late.

- I know.

Not a good day

to be late.

Why not?

Because the antichrist

is really pissed at you.

She said she wants to see you

in her office right now.

Oh, God.

Why?

Well, I'm not

supposed to say.

Do you have any

stretch marks?

Not yet.

Damn!

Have a deadline

on my vitamin E piece.

I know that heifer

in accounting has them,

but she's not talking.

[ Yelling ]

Does anybody have

any stretch marks?

Sit down.

Oh, God.

Don't get old, Kate.

Old is ugly.

Ugly is death.

- You're fired.

- What?

[ Into Intercom ]

Get me Leo.

Were you planning on turning

in the article I assigned

after I read that one?

You said I should make

the article my own, so I did.

Kate. [ Chuckles ]

Kate, this is a step-by-step

description of sucking c*ck.

Right. Actually, I called

it a blow-by-blow.

Very clever.

"When life sucks, so should you.

Oral sex can cure depression--"

What the f*ck

were you thinking?

All right.

So maybe the title

is a little harsh.

But I found a great hook,

don't you think?

When I said make it your own,

I meant draw from

your own experiences

and relationships.

That's what I did.

I know ten times more

about blow jobs...

than I do

about relationships.

I've failed at

every relationship

I've ever been in.

I don't know what's going on

in your personal life, and

I really don't give a sh*t.

The point is,

our readers still have hope.

This is called

Monique magazine. Monique.

My name is at stake here.

It is not called,

Tired, Old, Jaded

d*ck-sucker Review.

All right.

Wh-What if Mary...

writes the piece on

perfect relationships,

and do the little thing

on stretch marks.

I know tons of people

with stretch marks.

[ Items From Purse Clattering ]

Okay.

I'm going to be completely

honest with you here.

I can't cope

with being fired.

This is the only thing

in my entire life

I haven't failed at.

I can do the assignment.

I know I can.

Can you finish 2,500

happy, perky words

by deadline tonight?

- Absolutely.

- Then you are

temporarily "unfired."

Thank you.

Now get the f*ck

out of my office.

[ Chattering ]

[ Sighs, Whispers ]

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

So, were you fired?

Not yet.

Hey, somebody made a copy

of your blow job article

and circulated it.

Pretty good.

So, you use your hands,

huh?

[ Groans ]

Happy, perky notes...

on how to find and keep

that perfect man.

[ Clicks Off ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Kate ]

We all want to be loved.

Sometimes it doesn't

even matter who loves us,

as long as they make us

feel less alone.

What makes a relationship

last forever?

I guess if I knew the answer

to that, I wouldn't be

living alone with my four cats.

[ Happy Chattering ]

They say you have

to kiss a lot of frogs

to get to the prince.

Richard Miltner was

the most boring frog

I ever dated.

But sometimes, you just

have to get out of the house.

...The masculine

and the feminine--

[ Sighs ]

Boy, we lucked out

pretty good.

My mother's corns

aren't usually this bad,

but lucky for us she wasn't

able to walk well enough

to come to the show.

It's haunting,

don't you think?

What?

Uh, the paintings.

They're pretty disturbing.

- You think?

- If I had a kid,

I definitely wouldn't

put one of these up

in his bedroom.

Unless I hated him.

My father would have

hung stuff like this

from my ceilings.

He hated me.

You know, my mother

hated me too.

She used to tell me

I was dying of cancer

when I was four.

Yeah.

Always sent me into

these deep depressions.

Which was what she wanted,

because then I wouldn't

ask her to make me lunch.

Yeah, she hated

when I bugged her

for food and stuff.

Hey, uh, would you

like a champagne?

What?

Uh, a champagne.

Would you like one?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Were you lookin'

for me?

No! [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

No, I really wasn't

looking for anybody.

You mind if

I talk to you

for a minute?

Sure.

In the corner?

In the corner?

[ Laughs ]

I don't like

the middle of rooms.

It's--

Just come with me to the corner.

Nobody's behind you

in the corner.

Just--

Come on.

So, who's that guy

you're with?

What guy?

Oh, uh, Richard?

He's a stand-up comedian.

Yeah, he seems funny.

Is he your boyfriend?

Richard? No.

No, he's 30 years old, and

he lives with his mother.

So what do you think

of the paintings?

I love the style, but

I think they're immature.

Immature?

Mm-hmm.

- What makes you say that?

- Look at that one over there.

- Yeah?

- What the hell's

that supposed to mean?

That? I think

that one's supposed to mean

that there's a woman...

pulling a severed head

out of her a*s.

What's the point?

What do I learn from it?

[ Chuckles ]

Maybe that's it.

Maybe there's no point.

You're not supposed

to learn anything.

I wonder what

the artist looks like.

He must be pretty scary

with sh*t like that

coming out of his head.

Maybe he has a highly-developed

dark side that you might not be

in contact with.

How long did it take you

to paint that one?

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, gosh.

There you are.

I've been looking

all over for you.

You are a doll!

Look at this. Thank you.

Uh, Richard,

Adam Levy.

Oh, wow!

Wow, you're the artist.

Wow, you're the lucky guy.

Oh, yeah, we were just

getting around...

to discussing

our future children.

Right, but I don't think

you're gonna have

a future together.

I'm sorry. Excuse me?

In order to have a future,

I would assume you would

see the person again.

You're not going to be

seeing her anymore, 'cause

she's my girlfriend now.

- What?

- What?

From the moment we laid eyes

on each other, we had

this immediate spark.

Isn't that right, uh--

Kate!

Kate.

Isn't that right, Kate?

No, actually.

Oh, I-- Oh.

Is this some kind of joke, or--

No, no, but this is--

Two guys walk into a bar.

One guy is a 30-year old

stand-up comedian who lives

with his mother.

Okay. Could we, uh,

go now, please?

Um, uh--

You know, it is women like you

who turn men into weirdos.

Richard--

No, no, don't bother.

Once I've been hurt,

there's no turning back.

Wow, that wasn't cool.

I made it weird.

[ Kate ] It was mean.

You shouldn't have done that.

[ Adam ] I know, I know.

So, where should we eat?

You are without a doubt

the tallest woman

I've ever met in my life.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Could I see your hands?

I've been noticing them.

You just have these

long E.T. fingers.

Like a tree frog.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my-- How big?

Size 11.

Yeah, size 11.

Size 11?

Woman's size 11?

Is this some artist thing?

Focusing on people's flaws?

I don't see them as flaws.

I see them as God's

little artistic choices.

So I guess God decided

to give you this

abnormally large head.

You know what's

different about that?

You're being shitty and mean,

and I was celebrating

your body.

Who you are as a person.

Yeah, I was.

You were celebrating my body.

You know, I like this part

of the relationship, normally.

And what part is that?

When it's new, you know.

You ask all the fun questions.

Mm, right.

Me first.

Okay.

What's your relationship like

with your dad?

Um, my dad's dead.

He was hit by a car

in front of me

when I was six.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

I don't--

Just kidding.

We get along great.

Any brothers and sisters?

It's my turn.

No, I've taken your turn away.

Any brothers or sisters?

I have three older brothers.

How many women

have you slept with?

Excuse me?

Oh, come on.

It's not like you haven't

counted them. How many?

- How many men

have you slept with?

- Not that many. Thirteen.

Thirteen?

Mm-hmm.

As, like,

13 different guys?

Yeah.

Spread out over the years,

that's not so many.

Aren't you gonna

answer the question?

Two. Okay?

Two?

That's it?

That's it.

Some of us actually believe

in having full relationships.

I know that might be hard--

Hey, I believe

in relationships.

Mine just happened

to be short ones.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry, I can't--

You're like a wh*re.

[ Laughs ]

Excuse me?

You are.

Thirteen. Jesus Christ.

Give me a break.

So, were you popular

in high school?

What do you think?

[ Laughs ]

I guess that's a "no."

I don't need this sh*t.

I really don't. I happened

to have been very popular.

I was an artist.

I used to draw

all the pretty girls.

I used to make them look

better than they did,

and they loved me.

No, they didn't sleep with me,

but they did, they loved me.

How about you?

You were probably real popular,

with that attitude.

You must have been like

the girls from Carrie.

Nope. No. I had

huge buck teeth,

and bony knees, and

I slouched 'cause I was

trying to hide the fact...

that I hadn't grown

any boobs yet.

My hair was all stringy,

and everybody called me

"Horse Face."

Horse Face?

Yeah, it suits you.

Oh, you think so?

No, I like it.

Yeah.

You like it.

Yeah. What's the longest kiss

you've ever had?

The longest kiss?

You know what? Don't tell me.

It'll make me jealous.

Just make sure

this one's longer, okay?

[ Kate ]

Adam was unlike any guy

I'd ever known.

We were

instant best friends.

Two people

who understood each other

without having to say a word.

It wasn't like that at all

in my first relationship.

It was a bad idea to give up

my virginity to my high school

French teacher.

[ Groans ]

If two people...

who want to be

a couple of them,

it is good when they are

making love with each other...

because if you're nice--

compris?

What?

[ Sighs Deeply ]

Let's make love.

[ Sighs, Gulps ]

We will, Mr. Bossard,

I promise.

I don't think

I can tonight, though.

I'm not really

ready yet.

You are not ready

because you feel

you and I...

do not have

the quality of life

together with each other.

[ Clicks Tongue ]

I am sad for this.

What?

[ Sighs Deeply ]

Let's make love, Cherie, please.

I am waiting for so long.

[ Gasps ]

Will it hurt?

Do not be scary.

I am there for you

needing me.

What?

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps, Holds Breath ]

[ Clattering ]

[ Grunts, Pants ]

[ Kate ]

Mr. Bossard?

[ Bossard ] Eh?

Are you... doing it?

Oui.

I can't believe it!

[ Yawns, Snorts ]

This was supposed to hurt!

Maybe it's because

I've ridden horses

all my life.

Are you...

smaller than most guys?

[ Groans ]

[ Kate ] My older man/daddy

phase continued on

past high school...

and right into college.

I was not a very evolved person

by the time I ran into Eric.

[ Crashing Metal ]

Hey, now

I'm really draggin'

[ Fades ]

Are you okay?

Are you blind?

Are you out of your mind?

What is wrong with you?

This is a brand-new car!

[ Sobbing, Indistinct ]

Oh, my God!

You could have

f*cking k*lled me!

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey. Okay.

Shh. I said I'm sorry.

This is Armani!

A $500 shirt.

I didn't see you.

- You didn't see me?

- I didn't see you.

Were you painting

your f*cking toenails?

Hey! Listen, f*ck face!

I didn't see you, okay?

I didn't wake up

this morning and go,

"Oh, geez, today's the day

I want to crash into some

f*cking uptight yuppie."

- All right?

- You know what, lady?

f*ck you, okay?

f*ck you.

Oh, yeah?

f*ck you!

- Hey!

- Oh, sh*t! f*ck!

f*ck, all right?

There! You gonna see that?

[ Both Shouting

Simultaneously ]

Okay, break it up.

Break it up.

[ Babbling, Indistinct ]

Shut up!

Hands behind your--

Hands behind your back.

Hit him! Hit him!

[ Screaming Simultaneously ]

[ Woman On Police Radio ]

I think we got off

on the wrong foot.

The wrong foot?

You just beat the sh*t

out of my car.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry about that.

Let's just--

Maybe we can start

over again, all right?

You got any plans

for dinner tonight?

After we make bail.

So, this is where

writers hang out, huh?

Mm-hmm.

What do you write about?

I'm working on a novel

between my journalism classes

at U.C.L.A.

Ooh. Novel, huh?

Mm-hmm.

- What's it about?

- Death.

Hmm.

That sounds interesting.

So, what do you do?

I work a lot with

Big Red a*s Monkeys.

It's a band, you know?

You know the band?

[ Imitates Guitar ]

Big Red a*s Monkeys

are here

I direct music videos.

Is that the one

where the naked girl

swims with a chimp?

Ape.

Great ape.

Right.

I guess chimps don't have

those big, red asses.

I don't know.

I never checked.

[ Chuckling ]

You think maybe...

I could kiss you?

- Maybe later.

- Maybe later when?

Maybe later,

like in five seconds.

Five, four, three,

two--

Lookin' over

my weak side shoulder

[ Groans ]

Makes me sit all night

envision playin'

hard to forget

Dominatin'

the party conversation

But never sayin' nothin'

that she'll regret

[ Groaning, Screaming ]

No bloomin' Daisy is

this woman's kind of crazy

[ Cries Continue ]

No sense of motion

From bells to beehive

I love to kiss her

All highest her

[ Man Groaning ]

Till my tongue is tied

Yes, you're retro-sexy

[ Fades ]

[ Clicks Cheek ]

Ah, I hate

when that happens.

A toast.

To our three-week anniversary.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, I think this is

the longest relationship

I've ever been in.

Well, not counting

Mr. Bossard, which

lasted one semester.

-Oh, God, did I ever tell you--

-Can we not talk about your

high school French teacher?

- It really disturbs me.

- Okay.

- Good.

- So, what about your

last relationship?

Oh, God.

What about it?

How long was it, again?

Five miserable years.

- What did you have in common?

- Mm, nothing.

- What do we have in common?

- We have a lot in common.

Like what?

Like...

how many people do you know

who can comfortably have sex

in public places?

Every guy I've ever met.

Morning. You know what day

today is, don't you?

What?

Sunday morning.

My turn.

I thought

it was my turn.

Nope.

It's my turn.

You know what?

This game's idiotic.

It's not spontaneous

if it's scheduled.

That's not true.

See, scheduled spontaneity

is the key to long-term love.

[ Both Chuckling ]

Ahh!

Don't look so happy.

[ Laughing ]

I like Sundays.

Now, careful, careful.

[ Grunting ]

Ohh, yeah.

Ohh, y--

[ Groans ]

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

Uh, I'm not

getting that.

They can wait. Come on.

You get it or you're

not gettin' it.

I can't get it.

All right.

[ Imitating

Schwarzenegger ]

I'll be back.

[ Doorbell Continues

Ringing ]

Just don't lose

your concentration, okay?

[ Kate Chuckles ]

Oh, where are

you going, huh?

[ Laughing ]

Oh, now you want some,

don't you?

[ Growling ]

Just hold that thought,

okay?

Daddy!

- Daddy, guess what? I got

a kitty and I named him--

- We're gonna go.

Come on, sweet.

Come with mommy.

It's not what it looks like.

- Mel, will you wait?

Mel?

- [ Daughter Crying ]

Kate. Kate!

I can expla--

Kate!

Will you come back?

I'm trying to tell you--

[ Sobbing ]

Will you stop?

Will you stop?

What are you?

I understand

how you feel, okay?

No, no.

No, you don't. You have

no idea how anyone feels.

You're a sociopath.

Look, I'm planning on

getting a divorce!

Don't ever touch me.

Kate!

Daddy!

[ Crying ]

[ Kate ] Even when

bad relationships end,

the pain can be severe enough

to screw you up for years.

We all pick up

a little baggage

after every breakup.

The hope is

that when the bags

start to accumulate,

we're still able

to drag them into

the next relationship.

Fortunately, when Adam and I

moved in together,

my carry-on baggage

was fairly light.

[ Door Opening ]

I was going to put

Paul's Entrails in the bedroom.

That's better for the bathroom.

If you want

to be obvious.

Okay. Whatever you want.

[ Laughs ]

I love you,

horse face.

I love you, too.

I love you. I mean,

I love you more than

I've ever loved anybody...

ever... in my life.

Where are you goin'?

Kate?

Oh, God.

Okay. Say it.

Why do you want me

to say it again?

Because it was cute,

and I want

that cute moment

saved forever.

Honey, I--

It's not gonna sound cute.

It's gonna sound forced.

And I'm irritated,

so could we just--

Just say it.

- I love you.

- [ Laughs ]

- "Horse face."

- I love you, horse face.

I love you too.

Now strip.

Strip?

Strip.

Put the--

Put the toy away, and we'll--

Go on.

Don't poke the bear

in the zoo.

Come on.

Don't poke the bear

in the zoo.

Take it off. Come on!

Don't poke the bear

in the zoo.

Whip it out.

Do it now, ha

Yea, hey

- Hey, once I was

a boogie singer

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

Playin' in

a rock 'n' roll band

I never had

no problems, yeah

Burnin' down

the one-night stands

When everything

around me, yeah

Got to stop

from feelin' so low

Then I decided quickly

Yes, I did

To disco down

and check out the show

Yeah, they were dancin'

and singin' and movin'

to the groovin'

[ Fades ]

When you finally get

to share your lonely bed

with the one you love,

life just doesn't

get any better.

Oh, God.

Ow, baby.

[ Chuckling ]

That was not me!

Stop. Stop it.

Come on.

That was you.

That's the first time

you ever--

That was your first fart.

Come here, baby.

That was

your first fart.

You do love me.

[ Laughing ]

Don't blame it on me.

That's so cute.

You're embarrassed.

Come here. Come here.

No woman has ever farted

in front of me before.

[ Man ]

Under the light of the moon

Mother Earth

Will fall asleep so soon

Dream of many a thing

Before she'll

slowly wake up

And then

We're all touring

for the morning train

'Cause the alarm clock

overslept again

And when the day is done

the battle's won

But she'll never know

What's goin' on

Get up, stay down

Get pushed around

[ Door Creaking,

Closing ]

Hi.

[ Weakly ]

Hi.

- Hi.

- What?

- What?

- Why are you smiling

at me like that?

Because it's our

one-year anniversary.

You should be smiling too.

[ Sighs ]

- Well, I guess so.

- Come here.

Come on!

No, come here.

Come on. Are you

a grouchy little bunny?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I'm going to be

taking you to someplace

very special today.

Where?

Well, it's a surprise.

Now, go fill me a tub,

and I'll take you.

Now? In the middle

of the day?

I'm feeling very, very dirty.

I need a tub.

Forget it.

It's our annivers--

Could you just

fill me a tub?

Come on, you big grouch.

Just go.

My God, it's like

pulling teeth with you

to get anything.

- [ Meowing ]

- Oh, my God!

Are you insane?

What are we going to do

with all these kitties?

I don't know.

We'll make stew,

I figured.

[ Chuckles ]

What are they doing

in there?

What are they do--

They like you, obviously.

This one's Louie,

this one's Murray.

- This one's Steve

and this one is Mordecai.

- [ Purring ]

I got 'em from

the Chinese restaurant.

[ High-Pitched Voice ]

Hi, Mommy. Hello.

Aren't I cute?

Hi!

You're my new mommy now.

[ Normal Voice ]

Bet the other 13 guys you slept

with didn't get you a litter...

of cute little kitties

like this, did they?

I'm pregnant.

You're--

Really?

I took the little

stick test this morning,

and it turned pink.

Pink? Is it--

Isn't it supposed to be

like a plus sign?

Believe it or not, Adam,

I know how to pee on a stick

and read directions.

- I thought we were being safe.

- Yeah, I guess not safe enough.

God, we hardly

know each other.

Oh, we know each other.

I don't know if I'm ready

to be a mother, Adam.

I'm too confused.

Too immature.

Too messy.

Well, what about ab*rtion?

Did you ever think about that...

possibility?

[ Weeping ]

I-- I just--

I never thought

this would happen to me.

- I don't know what to do.

- Okay, baby. Here. Come here.

Shh, shh.

Don't worry, okay?

A lot of people would think

this is the world's

greatest anniversary present.

Really?

What do you think?

I tell you what

I think. I think that

our baby would be...

the cutest little thing

that ever walked around

in poo-poo pants.

[ Chuckles ]

You wouldn't be scared?

Of what? Of doing the most

natural thing in the world?

Of bringing a gorgeous little

brilliant little genius

into the world? No.

No, I won't

be scared at all.

What if it wasn't

a gorgeous genius? What if

it was an ugly little troll?

Well, I guess we just

have to pray to God...

that the baby

takes after me.

[ Chuckling ]

We could name it Ned, right?

After my grandfather?

What if it's

a little girl?

"Ned-ina," we'd call it.

[ Sniffing ]

Now this one

needs to be changed.

I want you to practice

and show me what a good mama

you're going to be.

God, my stomach is huge.

[ Adam Grunts ]

I look like Buddha.

It hasn't changed. You're

the same as you've always been.

So I've always had

a Buddha gut?

Will you calm down?

You've been pregnant a month.

The baby's the size

of a sea monkey.

Pretty soon you'll look like

you swallowed a Volkswagen.

Yeah, well, you have

an abnormally large head.

Come on, horse face.

Get over here.

[ Patting Pillow ]

Come on.

Let's see

what we got here.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Ned says he wants

a womb with a view.

Ned's not very funny.

Ned's just a fetus.

We should cut Ned

a little slack.

And I think you're

more beautiful than ever.

[ Man ]

Forget what you don't have

Kate?

Forget that you don't

Kate?

Just forget it

Kate?

Forget that you're afraid

Kate?

[ Kate Weeping ]

Forget that you are

Kate?

[ Knocking ]

You okay, baby?

In a panic

You okay?

Forget that you're alone

What's wrong, baby?

What's wrong?

Everyone's alone

Uh, uh--

[ Sobbing ]

I'm bleeding.

Oh, God.

No, no, something's wrong.

Okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay.

Something's wrong.

Okay, okay, okay.

We're gonna look at it.

[ Continues ]

We're gonna go.

Where's your robe, baby?

Where's your robe?

I don't know.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

Don't worry

It's all right

We're all in the dark

lookin' for the light

The light

Don't worry

Forget that you can love

Forget that you can

Just forget it

[ Kate ]

You think it's possible to love

the same person forever?

[ Adam ]

Sure. Don't you?

I don't know. I haven't seen

a relationship that didn't end

in one way or another.

What about your parents?

They've been together 35 years.

Yeah, they've lived

in the same house

for that long.

I don't think they've said

"I love you" for at least

20 of those years.

Maybe that's human nature.

You spend that much time

around a person,

saying "I love you"

is probably just like saying,

you know,

"cheese sandwich."

God, I hope not.

Katie?

Hmm?

I cheese sandwich you.

I cheese sandwich you,

too.

[ Both Chuckling ]

[ Kate ] The longer you're

with the same person, the more

annoying they'll become.

You'll become annoying too;

so if you want everything to be

perfect all the time,

don't bother

having a relationship.

Did you see that

little old lady?

Yeah.

Didn't she look

sad and lonely?

Nah, she was hunched over.

I didn't get a good look.

I need some shoes.

Her eyes were so hollow.

She's old. All old people

have hollow eyes.

Especially old women.

What?

Could we go in here?

Wait. What do you mean,

"especially old women"?

It's a fact. Women

don't age as well as men.

How could you say that?

How many 50-year old

women do you see with

20-year old guys?

That's a double standard.

That's got nothing to do

with facts.

Who looks better,

Sean Connery or

Shelley Winters?

[ Groaning ]

Oh!

It's just nature.

Men have thicker skin.

That's why women wrinkle more.

Shut up!

I know what

this is about.

You're a woman.

You're afraid of

becoming obsolete.

You're getting to an age

where men are starting

to notice younger girls.

It's freaking you out.

Yeah?

Well, you're going bald.

I have the keys!

Where are you going?

I got one.

What do you have?

Just this one about

topless female ninjas.

Oh. Well, let's just get

one, okay? 'Cause we'll

forget to return them,

and it'll be like

$800 for two movies.

And, uh, which one

do yowant to get?

Nosferatu.

You've seen it 50 times and

every time you get depressed.

I like being depressed.

It makes me feel deep

and introspective.

You wanna just hear

what this is about?

Maybe you might like it.

"Nasty, naked ninjettes

infiltrate the mob

and take over Little Italy...

'nunchaking' their way

to mafia don Guido Mantucci."

Wow, that sounds incredible.

Why do you have to come

from that place?

You think I want to

go home and snuggle

as the guy sucks blood

out of somebody's neck.

Can't we ever go to

a g*dd*mn video store without

getting into an argument?

Not as long as you have

such shitty taste in movies.

I don't have shitty taste.

How can you not appreciate

German expressionism?

I love German expressionism.

What I don't like is

what you turn into when

you watch that damn movie.

You start getting all

fixated on death, like,

"I'm gonna die,"

you're gonna die,

the cat's gonna die."

f*ck. Fine, fine.

You watch your stupid

titty movie, I'll watch

my death movie.

You return yours.

I'll return mine.

Fine.

It's her birthday.

One of these

should be free.

[ Kate ] Romance. The most

important part of keeping

a good relationship going.

Be sure to treasure each one

of those intimate moments

you share together in bed.

We haven't had sex

in a while.

Hmm?

We haven't had sex

in, like, three weeks.

Mm-hmm.

You not even

listening to me.

No, I wasn't.

I said we haven't had sex

in, like, three weeks.

Well, maybe it's because

you clip your toenails

in our bed.

What's the real reason?

I don't know.

Do you want to

have sex right now?

No.

No, do you?

Nah.

Is there something

wrong with us?

I don't know.

Maybe we should

force ourselves.

What, like mutual r*pe?

Yeah, it might

turn us on.

Hmm.

I'm tired.

Yeah, me too.

[ Sighs ]

[ Mumbling ]

Love you.

Love you too.

[ Slurping ]

Don't do that.

You know how much

that bugs me.

[ Slurping ]

I said, don't!

[ Continues Slurping ]

Swear to God, if you

do that one more time,

I-I'm gonna scream.

[ Slurping ]

[ Kate Screaming ]

[ Adam ]

I think it's over.

[ Kate ]

What's over?

[ Adam ]

Us. I think we're done.

[ Kate ]

Wh-What are you saying?

[ Adam ]

I think I need to break up.

What did you just say?

I said I think

we should break up.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

You said you need to break up.

I mean, saying we should

break up, that implies

that it's somewhat mutual.

If yoneed to break up,

that means you're ending it.

Are you ending it?

I don't know.

Yeah. I guess so.

Have you met someone else?

Some art groupie?

No, no!

No, nothing like that.

It's just I feel like...

we're just turning into

this old married couple.

Oh, God.

It's the 13 guy thing,

isn't it?

No! Just shut up.

No, no,

that's what it is!

No, you've been

obsessed with my past

since our first date.

Now you want to start

racking 'em up, don't you?

Could you shut up?

It's not the 13 guys,

okay? I'm over that.

I dealt with that.

It's a non-issue,

I promise you.

Well, then, why?

Why now?

I don't know.

I've never been single.

You know? I've spent

my whole life going from

one relationship to another,

and, uh,

never been alone.

Do you realize

what you're saying?

Do you realize

what this means?

Wh-What does this mean?

It means, this is it.

The end.

And once it's over,

it's over.

Yeah, I guess so,

but--

But I mean, it's not like

we won't still be friends.

You know?

Who said anything

about being friends?

Come on, we love each other.

I don't want to lose you

from my life.

I think you should know

that when you get to number 13,

I won't be sitting here

waiting for you, okay?

Will you give that up?

It's not about that, okay?

This thing isn't working

for either of us.

- You're not happy, are you?

- No, I'm not happy.

So neither of us are happy.

You know what? You're right.

I'm miserable.

I've been in absolute f*cking

hell for a long time now.

Will you stop?

- You're packing my laundry now.

- Breaking up would be the best

thing in the world for me.

You know what?

[ Chuckles ]

I feel good!

No. I feel great.

- Come back to bed.

- It's like a five million pound

weight has been lifted.

[ Sighs ]

Can't this wait?

I can breathe.

I-I can think.

Like, all of a sudden,

life is clear.

It's amazing!

I am so happy!

[ Kate ]

When I look back at the love

I had with Adam,

I see a pathetic, potted plant

that nobody bothered to water.

It started out green and lush,

and eventually became

a dried-up little brown stick.

- [ Video Button Clicking ]

- [ Weeping Helplessly ]

[ Theater Organ ]

Breaking up is like dying.

Slowly,

with nobody around.

That's why it's so important

during that dark period...

to keep yourself busy

doing the things

that don't depress you.

[ Organ Continues ]

[ Suspenseful Chords ]

f*ck me!

Jesus Chr--

Kate.

I can't believe it!

Our relationship hasn't even

started decomposing yet.

Who's this?

This is my friend,

uh, Kate.

Kate, this is my friend...

Peaches.

[ Scoffs ]

This must be the friend

that you just broke up with.

[ Imitating Peaches ]

"This must be the friend

that you just started f*cking."

Yeah.

[ Dramatic Chords ]

[ Adam ]

Hey, Kate!

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, okay?

"Peaches"? Oh, my God.

What the f*ck is

that thing on your face?

Will you just keep

your voice down?

What are you doing here?

This is my movie.

You came to my favorite movie...

to make out with

someone called Peaches--

How dare you?

I want to call you.

Can I call you?

No! No. No.

I'm gonna get over you.

And when I do, I'll call you.

Honey,

that could take days!

- [ Theater Door Slamming ]

- Okay, let's see here.

No, no.

Ooh. That's hideous.

Let's see--

Oh! Here you go.

Kate.

How about this?

No.

That makes me look like

a drug-addicted hooker.

I want to look great.

Like a drug-addicted model.

I don't see what

the big deal is. It's

only Sam's birthday party.

Adam's gonna be there.

Oh, Kate.

Aren't you over him yet?

Of course I am.

I just want him to die

a thousand deaths...

when he sees me with

Jerome Davis tonight.

Jerome Davis?

Wait a minute.

The perverted basketball

player you dated who was

obsessed with your a*s?

He was?

Kate, you've got a great a*s.

Now, you a big woman,

but your a*s, now,

is small and compact

to fit your size.

And yet, if we would take

your a*s and put it on your

short little friend over here,

ah, it'd be

f*cking huge.

[ Chuckles ]

That's it, I'm gone.

Oh, God.

[ Rock ]

She comes to me

With her mind

On her sleeve

He tries to plead

With his heart

That don't beat

Don't bring me down

if you're ready for love

Don't you know that

we can save this life

No one best yet

to rock you to sleep

I'll meet you there

when you sigh my name

Rock you to sleep

Rock you to sleep

Rock you to sleep

Hey!

[ Gasps ]

- I thought it was you. Hey.

- Hey!

- Hi.

- Great. I didn't expect

to see you here.

I didn't even know

that Sam invited you.

I feel silly.

Uh, no.

Mary invited me.

Mary.

'Cause you know Mary,

of course.

I don't know

what I was thinking.

That's great. That's so good--

It's nice to see ya.

Right.

It's good, yeah.

Uh, I haven't seen you

in a while. I've missed you.

Uh, yeah.

It's been a long time, huh?

Yup. Yup, yup.

I'm sorry.

Hi, I'm Adam.

Oh, uh-- Sorry.

Ad? Jerome.

It's not "Ad," it's Adam.

I didn't say, "Whazzup, Jer?"

Hey! Hey. Hey.

Why don't I, uh, give you

a call tomorrow?

Don't make this

a weird thing.

Hey.

I'll call you

tomorrow, okay?

Give me a call tomorrow.

You can tell me all about

your new girlfriend.

Or page me,

'cause my sh*t's blowing up now,

'cause I got-- Oh, okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Why don't you call me?

Okay, I will.

Just call me up.

I'm running around a lot--

I'll call you tomorrow.

Star 82 so

I know it's you, 'cause

I'm screening-- You know.

Okay.

I'll get it.

[ Smooching ]

Hey!

Hey.

[ Embarrassed

Chuckling ]

That was really

weird last night.

I know.

That's not cool.

Okay?

No.

So you're in love?

I think I should be

asking you that question.

Why?

Because you couldn't

keep your tongue out

of Lolita's mouth last night.

Don't tell me about tongues.

Michael Jordan was gonna suck

the tonsils out of your throat.

Where did you find

that guy, anyway?

Let's just not get into

one of these things, okay?

You're the one

that's bringing it up.

I'm ready to be mature.

Me too. I can do it.

Absolutely.

Okay?

But how could you go out

with that freak of nature?

- How could you go out

with such a bimbo?

- Savannah is not a bimbo.

She happens to

play the harp.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, uh, excuse me.

A bimbo savant.

At least

I'm not having...

a f*cking hot tub party

with Dennis Rodman.

I can't believe

you're jealous.

I'm not jealous. Don't--

You are!

Stop, okay?

I don't like her.

I don't love her.

I'm probably not going

to see that girl again.

Adam! Adam.

Hey.

- Hi!

- Hi, I was waiting for you

across the street.

Coffee shop.

It's uh, noon. Right?

We're supposed to be--

Well, my heart wasn't in it

early, so, um,

I bought myself

some new underwear.

[ Chuckles ]

O-Kay.

- I'm Savannah.

- Kate.

- I know. Adam told me

all about you last night.

- Really?

Um, Savannah, why don't you

go back to the coffee shop

and wait for me?

I'll be there at noon.

And get me a mochaccino.

Oh. No problem.

No problem.

I'll let you two catch up.

Nice meeting you, Cynthia.

- It's Kate.

- Oh. I meant Kate.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

[ Heavy Breathing,

Smooching ]

Mm, okay.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Noon.

Bye-bye.

That didn't feel good.

That felt really bad.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- No, no. Don't be.

I mean, it's the kind of thing

we have to get used to.

I have to go

and throw up now.

Don't, uh, Kate.

I miss you so much.

All right?

Y-You're my best friend.

You're the only one

I feel normal around.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

Hopefully, over time,

we'll still--

This is all gonna work out.

Yes, yes, yes, yes,

I promise it will.

We just have to let go

of those old, you know,

feelings we had.

Right.

Okay?

So, this Jerome guy.

Did he have, like--

Was he just, like, huge?

I just wanted to know,

like as a friend.

Is that bad for a friend?

Was it like,

"Oh, a nice surprise" big?

Or was it like,

"You better just

take me home now" big?

[ Both Laughing ]

Was it like,

"I'm in over my head" big?

[ Kate ]

As you move on

in your search for love,

sex is the fastest way

to erase the past.

Promise you'll

never leave me.

I promise.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

[ Groans ]

Great. My only sex

I've had in months,

and it's with you.

[ Meows ]

[ Bell Rings ]

[ Kate ] Being single again

may be difficult,

but it can

also be empowering.

After my breakup,

I got out of the house

as often as I could,

going to places that took

my mind off my loneliness.

[ Clears Throat ]

Excuse me.

I'm looking for

sort of a-- a joke gift for

a friend of mine's birthday.

What's the kinkiest stuff

you have?

Depends.

You mean, kinky up-the-butt

kind of kinky,

or just white-bread kinky?

Just white-bread kinky,

please.

Dildo aisle.

Thank you.

Uh, it's a butt plug.

Some guys like to...

put it up their butts.

[ Chuckles ]

- Great, thanks.

- [ Clattering ]

[ Chuckling Softly ]

So, um, what's

a nice girl like you doing

at Earl's Pornorama?

I'm here, uh, to buy

a joke gift for a friend.

Okay? I'm not here

to talk to, uh, guys

in trench coats.

Why are you so nervous?

Are you attracted to me?

Oh, God.

That is so arrogant.

I-I just happen to be

a little uncomfortable,

because I'm picking up

plastic dicks with some guy--

Wait a minute.

Don't I know you?

Could be.

Oh, God!

[ Chuckling ]

Aren't you that guy, uh--

Aren't you

in movies with, like,

topless ninja girls?

Yeah. Yeah, I've done

a lot since then. That was

some of my earlier stuff.

I'm, uh, I'm--

[ Chuckling ]

Ooh.

[ Chuckling ]

I'm Joey Santino.

I know.

My ex-boyfriend forced me

to watch all your movies.

Forced you to?

Yeah, well,

he loves you.

Yeah?

Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, not after

we fall in love,

he won't.

Oh, no.

I don't date actors.

[ Rock ]

All over you

All over me

The sun, the fields

the sky

I've often tried

to hold the sea

The sun, the fields

the tide

Baby now

Lay me down

Baby now, baby now

Lay me down, lay me down

[ Kate ]

Joey wasn't very bright,

but I loved his innocence.

I was going through

my nonjudgmental phase,

and I didn't want

to push people away for saying

the occasional stupid thing.

I love you.

[ Chuckling ] We've only

known each other for 14 hours.

I know. I loved you

in the first hour,

but I waited 13 more

to tell you.

No, you just think

you're in love with me, because

we've been having sex nonstop.

How can you be

so cynical?

I've never felt this way

in my entire life.

You're the most wonderful thing

that's ever happened to me.

You see, this is why

I don't date actors.

And you don't have

to say you love me back.

I just want you

to know how I feel.

That's all.

Okay.

Unless you want to.

I mean, I won't stop you

from saying...

that you love me

if you want to.

Okay.

I like you

a lot, though.

Yeah?

Okay.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Phone Rings ]

- Hello.

- Hey, it's me.

Oh, hey, Adam.

What's up?

Nothin' much.

Haven't seen you

in a couple weeks.

Wanna grab some dinner

tomorrow night?

Oh, that's so sweet,

but I can't.

I'm going out.

Oh. What about Friday?

Wanna see a movie on Friday?

No, I can't.

I'm going to Malibu

for the weekend.

Malibu.

What's in Malibu?

A big beach.

Oh, yes, I saw that

in the Thomas Guide once.

Who ya goin' with?

Just some guy.

You don't know him.

He's got a house

out there.

Oh, you like him?

What's with

all the questions?

No reason. I just

wanna know if you like

this rich Malibu guy.

Yeah, I like him.

Do you like him a lot?

Yeah, he's nice.

Hello?

Do you love him?

I think so, yeah.

I mean, we've been spending

almost every day together

for the last couple weeks.

That's great.

That's great for you.

You know what? I gotta run.

'Cause I got a date

with-- with an actress,

you know.

I'll call you when I get back.

We'll have lunch or something.

- Sure. Great.

- [ Phone Beeps ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

I can't take it.

I can't--

What?

I can't-- I cannot--

I can't take it.

I can't-- I can't take it.

I can't.

Just get in here.

I just-- I thought--

You know, I thought

I was over you.

I thought I was done.

I thought-- Oh, God,

this is horrible!

Horrible. Oh, God.

[ Stammering ]

Don't go to Malibu.

Please, don't go to Malibu.

Are you out of your mind?

This is a joke, right?

This is not a joke.

This is--

This is not.

What's wrong with you?

You've been dating women

nonstop since we broke up,

and this is the first guy

I've even gotten close to.

I know. I was wrong.

What can I say?

I was wrong.

I was silly.

I was stupid.

I was wrong.

I didn't know how I felt

about you until right now.

- What happened to the date

with the actress?

- It's canceled. It's over.

God, you shouldn't have

because Joey's on his way.

Joey?

His name is Joey.

You're-- How could you

date a guy named Joey?

Please, don't date him

anymore. Let's get

back together again.

I love you.

Let's have babies.

Would you stop acting

like an insane person?

Why don't you go home

and relax or something?

I love you.

- It's just some weird thing

you're going through.

- Could you tell me one thing?

- What?

- What's his last name?

Just-- What--

Just tell me

his last name.

Um, Santino.

Oh, Santino.

That's per--

That's like-- Joey?

Not Joey Santino.

The actor?

My-- The titty ninja--

You f*cking hate him!

Actually, he's really

a very good actor.

I mean, clearly

you haven't seen

any of his later work.

What the f*ck are you

talking about?

His later work.

m*therf*cker!

You haven't seen--

Oh, my God!

You're kidding me.

How could you-- He's--

You-- How do you--

Adam, you have to go.

You weren't supposed

to fall in love.

Oh, quit being

such a hypocrite.

A hyp-- I'm not a--

I'm a guy. I f*ck.

I don't fall in love.

Well, maybe you don't.

Oh, you think

Mr. Italian,

uh, f*ck', uh,

yeah, he loves you?

I don't think so.

Whatever.

You know what?

I'm f*ck' outta here.

f*ck' horseshit.

[ Door Opens ]

Don't f*cking call!

[ Door Closes ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Ring ]

[ Bongo Drums ]

Are you

Miss Kate Wells?

Yeah.

I have a message for you

from Adam Levy.

- [ Bongo Drums ]

- Even though

we're only pals

Only pals

Only pals

I don't like

the other gals

You're my baby

Don't go out

with that dumb guy

That dumb guy

That dumb guy

If you do

I'll start to cry

You're my baby

- Yeah!

- [ Chuckles ]

Now, Mr. Levy

would like you to have...

an autographed picture

of himself.

[ Chuckles ]

And this.

Hold on.

It gets better.

Cheese sandwich.

Thank you.

[ Humming ]

[ Kiss ]

[ Humming ]

[ Phone Rings ]

Hello.

Did the little guy sing?

- What do you think?

- You got my picture up?

Adam.

Next to the boys?

Yes, I got the sandwich,

and I got your picture.

Can you just stop

torturing me?

Come over.

Get rid of him.

We'll sport, we'll spoon,

we'll do it all.

We'll lay around

like walruses all day.

- Adam?

- What are you wearing?

Oh!

God, it's beautiful here.

Are you talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

There's nobody else here.

Are you talkin' to me?

Who the f*ck

do you think

you're talkin' to?

Huh? De Niro!

Right.

De Niro.

He's the best.

I swear I love him.

He's... De Niro.

Yeah, I'm--

He's a good actor.

[ Laughs ]

Goo-- Good?

Are you--

Good?

I mean,

we're talkin' about

Robert De Niro here.

"Good."

[ Laughs ]

I mean, come on.

He's a-- He's a--

Peanut butter

and jelly sandwiches,

they're good.

Asparagus is good.

De Niro--

[ Laughs ]

I mean, like,

Cape Fear.

[ Imitating Robert De Niro ]

Oh, counselor.

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

See, I ain't no White Tr*sh

piece of sh*t.

I'm better than you all.

See, I can outlearn you.

I can outread you.

I can outthink you,

and I can out-philosophize you,

and I'm gonna outlast you.

[ Chuckles ]

Huh? That's good. Right?

And-- And Raging Bull,

which-- which is the greatest

performance of all time.

- [ Gasps, Coughs ]

- Don't get me down, Ryan.

Don't get me down.

Hey.

You all right? Huh?

I know the Heimlich.

[ Coughing ]

Why you tryin' to ruin

my relationship?

Your nose is so cute.

You never tried

to get me back before.

What ego trip

are you on?

Can I kiss it?

What?

Your nose.

Adam, stop screwing up

my life! I'm involved

with somebody else!

Marry me? Please.

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, I'm lis--

I get it. Don't worry.

I broke up with you

because I was inexperienced.

You were the third

relationship I was in.

How was I supposed

to know that that was

going to be the one?

Adam.

I was number fourteen for you.

You were number three for me.

You can't--

Marry me.

I'm sorry.

I screwed up, all right?

I can't live with this kind

of mistake in my life.

Don't you see?

This is really bad timing.

You can't just wait

until I'm heavily involved

with somebody else...

to all of a sudden

propose marriage

or profess your love to me.

I'll change.

How does that sound?

We're gonna make up a contract.

Everything

you don't like about me,

I'm gonna change.

We're gonna make--

Death penalty.

You're against it.

I'm for it.

I'm against it now.

We're gonna sing "Kumbaya."

We're gonna do candlelight

vigils at the prison.

I don't want you to change.

You're right.

I'm not gonna change.

I'm enough,

and I learned that from you.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna fly.

We're gonna take trips.

I'm gonna go to therapy.

Get over my fear

of airplanes and go

anyplace you wanna go.

Adam, stop it.

Stop it right now.

All right.

Well, let me just

ask you, then.

Just straight out.

All kidding aside.

Katie...

will you marry me?

No.

Well, um, well,

I won't t*rture you

anymore, then.

I, uh, you know,

you're happy.

I'm happy you're happy.

I made you miserable,

and I'm sorry.

No.

No, but I just want you

to know something.

- What?

- I-I can't be friends.

I'm just--

I'm too weak.

Adam.

I mean, I can't

even be around you.

You're sitting here

like this incredibly

juicy ham sandwich...

that I just wanna

stuff in my mouth

and I can't...

because, like,

my lips are sewn shut.

- That's a pretty analogy.

- You know what I mean.

Have a nice life.

Don't say that.

You know we'll see

each other again.

Yeah, right.

[ Kate ]

Is infatuation love?

No, but it feels

like it is.

All those chemicals

pumping through your brain...

can turn every word

he says into poetry.

Did I ever tell you what I used

to do to my little brother

with dog sh*t?

Uh-uh.

Whenever he did something

I didn't like,

I'd put dog sh*t

under his pillow.

And I'd say, "Hey, Jimmy.

Let's play hide-and-seek.

Go put your head

under the pillow

and count to 20."

Mm.

Half the time,

he'd get to ten before

he realized what happened.

Wow.

Sounds pretty stupid.

Jimmy? No. No.

He's the smartest one

of us kids.

He's a lawyer now.

Mm.

[ Grunting ]

Now do you remember me?

Hmm?

[ Kate ]

Relationships that are

based entirely on sex...

end the minute

the sex gets boring.

So, if you want it to last

beyond boring sex,

you'd better try to connect

on a deeper level.

I brought us

some cheese sandwiches.

Thanks.

Do you think people

can stay passionate

about each other forever?

Yeah. I mean,

as long as they work

on the relationship.

You know,

don't get fat.

Yeah, I wonder.

I'm not sure it's natural.

I'd like to think

it's possible, though.

I mean, I think that over time,

we all tend to take each other

for granted.

And after years

of staying together,

saying "I love you"

is like saying

"cheese sandwich," you know?

Did you know that

Robert De Niro

is lactose intolerant?

[ Action Movie Playing ]

[ Kate ]

After the infatuation,

chemicals in my brain

stopped multiplying.

I began to get over

my nonjudgmental phase.

[ Woman Screams In Movie ]

Joey and I were gonna

have a real conversation...

if it was the last thing

we did.

I'm gonna die.

Yeah.

Are you listening

to me?

What?

[ Whispering ]

I'm gonna die.

When?

Someday.

Yeah, well,

we're all gonna die, okay?

Watch the movie.

Doesn't that

bother you?

I don't think about

stuff like that.

Well, why not?

[ Man ] Shh!

Kate, look.

We're in the middle

of a movie.

Yeah, well,

that's when I think

about death the most.

I look at all these people

staring straight

into the darkness.

It freaks me out.

Don't you get that?

No. Okay? I don't get that.

I mean, why should I get that?

I don't even want--

I don't wanna get that.

That's the problem.

When two people

are together, they're

supposed to get each other.

You don't get me.

I don't get you.

What? What the f*ck

are you talking about?

[ Sighs ]

You know what

my problem is?

I'm a floater.

I float through life

like a corpse

on a river,

bumping into rocks

and logs.

I don't choose my path.

[ Man ]

Hey, shut up!

I just bump into stuff.

Like you.

I bump into you

in a porno store.

Boom, I have sex with you.

Boom! I'm in

a relationship with you!

Boom, I don't think, just boom!

[ Man ] Shut the f*ck up!

No, no, no, no.

So that's what I am to you?

I'm just some goddamned log

you just bumped into

at a porno store?

Shh!

You're wearing sunglasses

in a movie theater.

They're subscription.

It's prescription,

you idiot!

[ Man ] Shut up!

Okay, Mrs. Thesaurus.

All right, I'm an idiot.

You know, that's it.

It's ov-- You know,

hasta la vista, baby.

[ Joey ]

Here's a man who

would not take it anymore.

You're all gonna die.

Think about it.

You're all gonna die.

And nobody will ever

remember you because

they'll all be dead too!

Excuse me!

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Answering Machine Picks Up ]

Hi, this is Adam.

I'm not home,

so leave a message

after the beep.

[ Beep ]

[ Kate ]

Hi, um, it's me.

Adam, are you there?

Hello, Kate?

Hi.

I-I didn't want to call

anybody else.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

[ Sobbing ] No.

What's wrong, baby?

We broke up.

Oh, God.

I broke up with Joey.

Oh, that's horrible.

I'm such a failure.

You're not a failure.

I am.

I'm a relationship leper.

Not true. You have more

relationship potential

than anybody that I know.

f*ck potential.

Anyone can have potential.

Are you kidding?

Katie, your only problem

is that you've had

bad timing.

Two people could be

perfect for each other...

and if the timing's wrong,

it's never gonna work out

for them.

Bad timing's the reason

that most normal people

end up single.

Normal people?

Yeah, weirdos and creeps

are single because they're

weird and creepy.

But people like us,

you know, we're single...

because we're victims

of bad timing.

When did you have

things figured out?

Since you fell in love

and I've had to lay in bed

awake every night...

and wonder if I'd ever find

anybody who I feel as normal

with as I do with you.

[ Laughs ]

No. Bad timing, Adam.

If the timing's ever right,

you just let me know, okay?

Okay.

How about now?

You think you're--

[ Laughs ]

Okay, that's cool.

Take as much time

as you want.

[ Kate ]

Love is ecstasy and agony,

freedom and imprisonment,

belonging and loneliness.

It's what keeps us together

when life tears us apart.

So, when you find

that perfect man,

hold on tight,

and then call me

so I can run over there...

and see what he looks like

and laugh...

because he doesn't exist,

you sad, perky, little

optimistic suckers.

[ Tape Recorder Clicks ]

I quit.

I couldn't do

the assignment.

I felt like a fraud

since my first day here.

Everything I've written

has been crap.

And I'm--

I'm a total sellout.

I can't do it anymore,

and I'm-- I'm--

you know, honestly,

I'm sorry if I've caused

you any problems,

all right?

Wait a minute.

She's way too fat.

Everything you've written

here has been bullshit?

Yep.

Nothing has had...

- even a single grain

of truth in your eyes?

- Nothing.

Your research on blow jobs

being able to cure depression

was completely made up.

No, actually,

that one was true,

but it only works

for the suckee.

The sucker

always stays depressed.

[ Door Closes ]

I told you that.

[ Dog Barking

In Distance ]

[ Sighs, Sniffs ]

Hi.

Hi.

I'm, uh--

no, actually, could I

ask you a few questions?

Is that okay?

Um, sure.

Yeah, go ahead.

Are you married?

[ Chuckles ]

No.

Do you have any children

you haven't told

anyone about?

No.

Do you feel the need

to sow your wild oats...

and have sex with a lot

of different women?

No.

Are you a liar?

Yes.

Oh.

Just kidding.

[ Chuckles ]

Good. You got

a sense of humor.

That was my next question.

Uh, can you listen?

I'm sorry. What?

You see--

you see how I--

I get it.

Just one more.

I promise.

Uh, do you have a problem

with complicated women?

Nope.

Great. Let's go.

Um, may I--

may I ask you one question?

Oh, of course.

I'm sorry.

Ask anything you want.

Have you allowed

Jesus Christ into your heart?

Oh, God!

If I could have

one moment of your time.

No, get out.

May I? May I?

Okay, but if the next knock

is the devil--

Go!

Yes. Hi. Oh.

Listen.

Hi.

Have you allowed--

Hey, go! Now!

Here.

Thank you.

Hi. Are you Kate Wells?

Yeah. And you're, um,

Rob, right?

That's right.

[ Piano ]

[ Chattering ]

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi. Thanks

for coming down.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Thank you.

You're good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And nasty.

Right.

I like my men

good and nasty.

Thank you.

You got a girlfriend?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

She's on a date now,

however.

Yep.

So, where's

your blind date?

I told him I was sick.

Oh, yeah.

You're sick all right.

Yeah, for wanting

you back.

[ Woman ]

Go down easy, baby

Go down slow

Take all

the time you need

Got no place else to go

Wow.

That was incredible.

I am very proud of myself.

[ Giggles ]

I did good, right?

Did I do good?

Yeah, you did all right.

It was different.

Mm-hmm.

I surprised you with

a couple of those things.

I know it.

You seemed scared.

Where'd you learn that?

It's horrible, you know.

We should break up

more often.

Mm.

[ Laughs ]

We should.

I love you.

Me too.

Get out.

[ Laughs ]

So with Joey,

what is that now, 16?

Oh, shut up.

Fifteen?

No, seriously.

Fifteen.

I was fourteen.

What about Peaches?

Tell me about Peaches.

Oh, God.

I don't wanna know

about Peaches.

No, you do.

Where do you think

I learned that thing

I did?

[ Man ]

People love you like

a diamond in their hands

They don't know that diamond

like I do

They put you up

in the bluebird sky

Until they lose sight

of you

People love you

like a diamond

In their hands

I always wanted

to chase you down

And like many

I fell in love with you

And when you gave

your heart back to me

I didn't know

what to do

I always wanted

To chase you down

Carry me

Carry me

Back to your heart

tonight

Carry me

Carry me

Through the moonlit

cold midnight

[ Woman ]

If it only was that easy

If it only was that easy

If you will never know

Be strong

and make sure

You love someone

Simple words

in the way he called

This mornin'

Don't look too much

Don't live too late

Just make sure that

you love the life

You make

If it only was that easy

I would surely try it out

If it only was that easy

Who would ever worry

about his life

We couldn't choose

Who to be

When there's a difference

between you and me

Some are too much

Sometimes too late

I'm just happy I have

A life to live

If it only was that easy

I would surely try it out

If it only was that easy

Who would ever worry

about his life

If it only was that easy

I would surely

Try it out

Don't look too much

Don't look too little

Just make sure

that you love

The life you live

If it only was that easy

I would surely try it out

If it only was that easy

Who would ever worry

About his life

If it only was that easy

I would surely try it out

[ Fades ]