Casual Sex (1988)

[bunniefuu]

[ Chorus ]

Ol, ol

ol, ol

Ol, ol

ol, ol

[ Man ]

Yes, sir

Ha, ha

[ People Hooting, Whistling ]

Yes, girls

Me mind on fire

Me soul on fire

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Party people

All around me

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Oh, what to do

on a night like this

Music sweet

I can't resist

We need

a party song

A fundamental jam

So we go

room, boom, boom, boom

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

See people rockin'

Hear people chantin'

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Keep up the spirit

Come on, let's do it

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

It's in the air

Celebration time

Music sweet

Captivate your mind

We have

this party song

This fundamental jam

So we go

room, boom, boom, boom

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

[ Woman ]

Casual Sex?

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

You gotta

be kidding.

I can't

deal with it.

Me neither.

Not anymore.

Just the thought of it

makes me paranoid.

We should introduce ourselves.

I'm Stacy.

I'm Melissa.

And right now we're both

scared of being single

and having sex.

I've always been

scared of sex.

Not me.

This is kind of embarrassing

to admit, but I remember when

it was actually fun to say,

"Wow, that really felt great.

What's your name again?"

I've never had

sex with someone

I didn't know.

For that matter I've never

said, "Wow, that felt

really great."

Sex always seemed like

the best way to feel

really connected with guys.

I guess that's cause

I grew up when I did.

I wasn't much of a trendsetter

during the sexual revolution.

It would have been a lot easier

if I would have been

more like Stacy.

Melissa,

you'll never guess what.

What?

Last night Kenny Kreiger

came over to

where I was babysitting.

- And guess what.

- What?

We were fooling around

and guess what happened.

What?

He made me touch it!

[ Both Squeal ]

It was so weird.

It was like skin,

only different.

What color was it?

I don't know.

I didn't look at it.

I just touched it.

You never saw it?

Well, I don't know.

It felt like... orange?

[ Both Squeal ]

By senior year, I saw it.

But I still couldn't

tell you what color it was.

A month after my 17th birthday,

I finally did it...

with it.

Is that it? Did we do it?

[ Boy ]

Yeah.

It kinda hurt,

but it was good.

Yeah. Did you see

my other shoe anywhere?

By my second year of college,

I knew I couldn't put it off

any longer.

I was the only virgin

left in the dorm...

except Ronny,

who knew even less

about sex than I did.

[ Exhales ]

Please, Ronny.

You're my best male friend,

and the first time I do it...

I want it to be with someone

I'm comfortable with.

[ Sighs ]

Well-- Okay.

But let's not get

all freaked out afterwards.

Thanks. I really

appreciate it.

[ Sighs ]

[ Flips Pages ]

I guess I should

undress now?

That would be good.

You want foreplay?

Yeah, that...

would be good.

[ Stacy ] I was especially hot

for struggling artistic types

with a lot of potential,

like Baylor Schneff,

neo-post-pop expressionist.

His lovemaking

was just like his art.

Primitive but passionate.

[ No Audio ]

Brian Ellis, lead guitarist

for Dripping Sweat.

I couldn't get enough

of those backstage passes.

Gunter Kroger,

the sous-chef that trained me--

He taught me to

trust my instincts

in the kitchen.

[ Laughs ]

Stop! I can't--

Joey Egan, the closing act

at the Giggle Box--

His timing was even better

horizontally.

[ Laughs ]

But not every man in my life

was an artistic genius.

Some I must admit

were very attractive strangers.

It was the early '80s,

and sex was still a good way

to meet new people.

[ Man ]

Uh, excuse me.

[ Melissa Narrating ]

I was never as adventurous

as Stacy.

Apart from that time

with Ronny, I only slept

with one other person.

Gary Erdman,

the guy I almost married.

[ TV Announcer ]

Three-pointer!

[ Melissa Narrating ]

I teach kindergarten,

and one of my kids fixed us up.

Well, actually

it was Joey's mom,

but Joey took the credit.

[ Urinating ]

God, I love the idea

of being married,

of not being by myself.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

Now with Gary, I thought

I was finally comfortable

with my own sexuality.

[ TV Announcer ]

No call. To Bird.

Inside. Off the glass.

[ Melissa Narrating ]

But deep down, I guess I knew

it wasn't gonna work.

Okay, so I didn't know,

but I had a feeling.

Gary?

Mm-hmm.

Do you love me?

Sure.

I love ya.

Unbelievable! The Celtics

always get the breaks.

[ Sighs ]

Two weeks before the wedding,

Gary changed his mind.

He said he was sorry,

but he was going through

a selfish phase.

Luckily, the tags

were still on my dress,

but I couldn't return

the 600 monogrammed napkins.

Just once I'd like to wear

a sexy white dress

blowing all around me...

and not have men

run away screaming.

Just once I'd like to have

the kind of sexual experience...

where you don't have

to go to the bathroom

and cry afterwards.

I bet Marilyn cried

in the bathroom after sex.

Probably more than once.

Everyone does.

Men too?

They can't.

They're asleep.

Maybe Melissa envied

my reckless past,

but some time

around the mid-'80s

I started regretting it.

One day I was standing in line

at the mini-mart, and I happened

to look at the magazine rack.

Time, Newsweek, People.

It was on every cover.

So, Stacy.

How are things

at the restaurant?

Oh, fine.

Yeah, when are they

gonna make you a chef?

Soon. Do you have my results?

Yeah, don't worry.

You're fine.

You tested for everything?

Yeah, I tested

for everything, okay?

And you're

perfectly healthy.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Good-bye, Stacy.

Oh, thank you, thank you,

thank you for sparing

a formerly flirtatious,

spontaneous, and let's face it,

much too promiscuous slamhound.

You won't be sorry,

'cause from now on I swear I'll

lead a life of pure sublimation.

I'll aerobicize

my little heart out.

I'll meditate.

I'll compose symphonies.

I'll do anything

to keep myself from ever

touching human flesh again.

I'll give new meaning

to the word "celibacy."

Ooh!

Stacy, you don't

have to commit to

lifelong celibacy.

Just practice safe sex.

Safe sex. Who'd have ever

thought those two words would

exist in the same sentence?

I don't know.

Maybe abstinence

isn't such a bad thing.

Beats sleepin' with guys

who don't call you back

afterwards.

And you and I have more

in common now that we're

both afraid of sex.

That's consoling.

I miss it.

I mean, I don't know how to

get close to men without it.

There's your boyfriend.

So what?

There's yours.

[ Snorting ]

Well, it's been 10 months

and 17 days,

and the only man

who looked safe to me

was Dr. Goodman.

And I wasn't

attracted to him.

Then it seemed like I wasn't

attracted to anybody,

and that scared me

more than A*DS did.

Where were you?

God, I'm sorry.

I got a great surprise.

What?

This is where we're going

on our vacation.

Okay.

"Oasis Health Spa."

They're all exercising.

That's not a vacation.

There's all kinds

of social events.

Look. There's dancing, parties.

Look how pretty it is.

I don't know.

My mom told me about

a cruise to Hawaii...

where we can

lay out in the sun

and be blobs for a week.

That's a vacation.

Yeah, but what kinda guys

are we gonna meet?

At this place at least

we know everybody's

into being healthy.

It'll help me

with my paranoia.

Stacy. How's it goin'?

[ Gasps ]

Hi, Baylor.

Do you remember him

from the Fringe festival?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Stacy, I'm into something

totally different now.

[ Shudders ]

I can't even put it into words.

Why don't you come over?

[ Stuttering ]

I'm sorry. We're having lunch.

Oh, yeah. Okay, great.

Let me give you

my new address.

My new number.

Okay?

It's a garage arrangement.

Great.

[ Sighs ]

[ Giggles ]

I gotta

get out of this town.

Good-bye!

Yea!

[ Giggling ]

[ Man ]

Yes, sir

Ha, ha, yeah

We're so

color coordinated.

God, we're gonna be

the best lookin'

ones there.

[ Car Backfiring ]

[ Man ]

Me mind on fire

Me soul on fire

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Party people

All around me

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Oh, what to do

on a night like this

Music sweet

I can't resist

We need

a party song

A fundamental jam

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

I want you two to know

you got the biggest room

in the place.

Really?

Yeah. It used to

be the honeymoon suite

when this was a regular hotel.

Why don't you two

take a look around?

I'll get your luggage

up to your room.

Okay.

Ready to go

break some hearts?

Uh-huh.

Bye, darling.

Bye.

See people rockin'

Hear people chantin'

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

[ Melissa ]

Oh, wow!

This is beautiful.

Oh, my God. I feel

so much healthier now,

and we just checked in.

It's in the air

Celebration time

Music sweet

Captivates your mind

We have

this party song

This fundamental jam

So we go

room, boom, boom, boom

[ Chorus ]

Hot, hot, hot

Come on.

Hot, hot, hot

How ya doin'?

My name is Vinny.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

You girls better be nice to me.

I came all the way from New York

just to meet you.

- Really? What part?

- Actually,

Paterson, New Jersey.

You familiar with

the Straight Street exit?

Mmm.

Not really.

No? What ya do, you hop on

the George Washington Bridge.

When you get past

the Leona Park exit,

you pick up Highway 80...

which is also known

as the Passaic Highway.

Vinny, I'm sorry,

but we-we have to get back

to our rooms.

Our suitcases.

Yeah. Sorry. Bye.

That's your

boyfriend.

Did I say

go West on 80?

Hey, how ya doin'?

My name's Vinny.

I came all the way

from New York just

to meet with you.

A lot of people

don't know that.

Yeah.

[ Continues ]

Make way for the condom express.

[ Melissa ]

What's that?

Just in case

you fall in love.

There's enough in there

for the whole planet

to fall in love.

- Well, that's the point,

Melissa. Hello?

- [ Knocking ]

[ Man ]

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Welcome to Oasis.

Would you like

to come in?

Yeah. Okay.

Room service.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm Jamie.

Uh, but for some reason,

I don't think you're

Chuck and Eli?

Oh, no. This is Melissa,

and I'm Stacy.

What can we do for you?

Uh-- Uh, part of my job

is to take the measurements

of all the male guests.

- [ Scoffs ]

- [ Chuckles ]

Uh, you're not hiding

Chuck and Eli in here, are you?

No.

[ Sighs ]

Why don't you take our

measurements? We gotta

get it over with anyway.

Right. Right.

[ Whispers ]

Confidence.

Well, come on. Who's first?

These aren't really my hips.

They're a cruel joke

that runs in my family.

Melissa, why are you

being so hard on yourself?

You look great.

Yeah,

I absolutely agree.

Now, Melissa, I have yet to meet

anyone who has come here totally

satisfied with their bodies.

Now, you may not have noticed,

but I'm not exactly what you

would call--

- Tall?

- Tall. Yeah.

And I've never

liked my feet.

Really?

I love my feet.

If you'd like me

to provide you with

some vital statistics...

that can't be measured

in a public place,

I'd be happy

to do so.

You mean your I.Q.?

My weight's okay.

It's just the way I wear it.

[ Gasps ]

[ Woman ]

Natural spring water.

From deep underground.

It purifies. It cleanses.

And everyone must drink

at least 10 glasses of it

a day.

Ooh!

How you doin',

Megan?

Pretty good.

You look good.

All right.

Thank you.

[ Jamie ]

Come on, with some energy.

Pick those knees up.

Pick 'em up!

Pick 'em up!

Oh, come on, Bianca.

Have some fun.

[ Jamie Laughs ]

[ Panting ]

Megan obviously got

the good trampoline.

Don't let it get to you.

Just think if you separated

her individual body parts...

with, say, like,

a huge meat cleaver and then

laid them out on a table,

you wouldn't think

she was such hot stuff.

You got

your flag?

- Hi. I'm Nick.

- I'm Stacy.

Hi, Stacy.

This is my friend

Melissa.

Hi, Melissa.

Hi.

Wow, did you guys

get all dressed up for me?

I'd love to say yes, but I was

really just hoping we'd look

fantastic in these beanies.

And you will.

But you need the flags

for the full effect.

Okay.

Okay?

Dig in.

Now remember,

don't show your flag until

Frankie gives you the word.

- All right.

- I hope you meet someone nice.

Okay.

[ Stacy ]

Let's get a drink, okay?

[ Melissa ] Okay.

I need

to cool off.

Hi.

Hey, hi.

It's Chuck and Eli.

Good to see you.

Welcome. Welcome to

the spa beverage center.

You guys want

something to drink?

I take it that's got

mineral water in it.

Ninety-seven percent,

just like your body.

If it was like my body,

it would be 97% ice cream.

I'll have some

guava juice, please.

Okay.

How about you, Melissa?

You remembered my name.

Hello! Okay, everybody.

Get over here. Come on.

Come back anytime day or night.

I live for makin' this stuff.

[ Emcee ] Okay, everybody.

Get over here. Come on. Come on.

Okay.

That guy's got

the biggest b*ner for you.

Stacy, he makes

fruit drinks.

He's a nutritionist.

You're a kindergarten teacher.

I say go for it.

No way. He's one

of those, you know,

really nice guys...

you just joke around with

like somebody's brother.

Wait. Where is everybody?

I thought you disappeared,

you all look so thin already!

I can't believe it.

[ Crowd Laughs ]

This is International Night.

Here's your chance to say...

bonjour, guten abend,

buongiorno and howdy

to all your new best friends.

[ Crowd Cheers, Applause ]

I hope you kept your flags

well hidden, because if you

haven't guessed by now,

the person whose flag

matches yours will be your date

for the evening, okay?

But now the moment has come.

So let's unfurl our flags.

Let's take them out right now.

Let's wave them up in the air,

shall we? Come on.

There we go. Wave them.

- Yea!

- There we go.

This is how it works.

You take your flag and

you stick it in the lovely hole

right on top of your head.

That's right.

Just like that.

Then when I blow the whistle,

you run, find your partner,

fall in love and have babies.

Yes, it's that easy.

[ Chuckles ]

Get ready, and--

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Emcee ]

Come on! Find him! Good!

Stacy, I see my guy.

He's gorgeous.

Ecuador. Ecuador.

Ecuador!

Hello.

I'm Matthew.

Melissa.

So.

So.

You know what

I'm noticing?

How significant

a first encounter is.

Every word forms

an irreversible impression.

Yeah. You look really good

in that hat.

Let's talk.

What's your name again?

Melissa.

Melissa.

Excuse me. Hi.

Could you do me

a little tiny favor?

You see, the guy

I got matched up with,

I know him already.

I was kinda hopin' to meet

someone new. So, would you

mind just trading with me?

I think we should just

stick to the rules.

Listen, nobody is even

gonna know about this.

All right?

This guy is so worth it.

I mean, ooh!

What's he like?

Oh, total class.

Way cool.

You gotta meet him.

You'll drop dead.

[ Sighs ]

I don't think so. I'm s--

Please? As a personal

little favor for me.

I'm telling you.

You're gonna be thanking me.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

Great.

You know what Dutch men

are like too, don't you?

Real handsome

and virile and big.

Hey! Stacy! Holland.

Do you f*ck' believe that?

Mm-hmm. I can.

[ Grunting ]

Can I ask you

a personal question?

Sure.

What do you think

of this body, huh?

Well, you're real muscular, and

I'm sure some women like that.

Oh, they do.

I mean, this body is meant

to be enjoyed by people,

you know?

I could trash it, but no,

I choose to beautify it

like Central Park.

Great. Just stay away

from it at night.

Oh, come on, baby.

Be brave.

Let's take

a little carriage ride

through the park, huh?

No, thanks.

I've already seen it.

No. Not all of it.

Not that giant new monument

goin' up, baby. Oh.

I'm concerned about

this p*nis size thing.

I wanna know how men feel.

Is it really such a big deal

with you guys?

Like, do you obsess about it?

Do you measure it and compare it

to the p*nis next to yours

in the men's room?

Do you secretly wish

there was some sort of

p*nis development cream...

or machine at the gym?

Gary told me

they're all the same size

when they're erect.

[ Exhales ]

So, anyway,

like I was sayin',

I'm driving this rich couple

around in my limo, right?

Then, get this.

Mr. Big Bucks waves a couple 20s

in front of my face,

says he wants me

to get it on with his wife

while he watches, right?

You know what

I'm talkin' about,

right, snapper head?

Yeah, good.

Anyway, next thing you know,

bada-bing, bada-bang.

The lady climbs

over the front seat,

hops on the armrest...

and starts beggin' me

to rip off her gown.

She's gettin' all hot,

naturally, and he is too...

from all this heavy breathin'

I hear in the backseat.

He's yellin',

"Nail her, nail her!"

[ Chuckles ]

I look in the rearview.

The guy's havin' some kind

of asthma attack.

Turns out he's yellin',

"Inhaler, inhaler!"

So we gotta do a little

detour over to St. Vincent's.

They get out.

I don't see no money

and worst of all,

the Vin Man's left with

a very frustrated Mr. Peabody.

[ Bites Nails, Spits ]

I only hope that woman

is resilient enough to overcome

her unfulfilled desires for you.

You know, Matthew's

a psychologist.

I just love therapy.

I think everyone

should be in therapy.

That would be good for me.

Actually,

I'm here to do research

for a book I'm writing...

on the psychosexual tendencies

of premenopausal females.

Yeah, me too.

Vinny, look, you don't have

to walk me all the way there.

It's okay.

Oh, no. No, no.

I'm your date.

You're my responsibility.

Safety. There are a lot

of creeps around here.

You don't know that.

All right, Vinny.

Thanks. Bye.

Hey, that's nice carpet

you got in there.

Is that new?

Vinny, that's it.

The date's over.

Vinny, look,

you've been all over me

for the past three hours.

I think

I've been pretty tolerant...

because it seems like

there's a very funny,

appealing guy in there.

Somewhere.

Good night.

Maybe I'll come in.

We'll talk about it.

That's a valid point.

Bye.

Yeah, I mean, uh--

[ Sighs ]

Maybe we'll do it

again some time, huh?

Yeah. I gotta go anyway.

Really. No, Stacy.

Stacy, don't beg.

It don't look good on you.

Really, another time.

Please, please, please.

I mean, I realize--

I'm the best

from the East

I'm a wild crazy beast

I'm the Vin Man

Please, honey.

Not tonight.

[ Sighs ]

[ Karate Yell ]

[ Vinny Grunting ]

That's a boy.

Here you go.

[ Screams ]

[ Instructor ]

97, 98, 99--

[ Man ] Keep goin'!

Ooh!

It's horrible.

It's not that bad, Melissa.

Yes, it is.

I feel like

a windshield

wiper.

[ Groans ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Giggling ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Panting ]

[ Groans ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Stacy ]

Melissa,

there's your boyfriend.

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

We gotta do it.

Let's go.

[ Whimpers ]

[ Scoffs ]

I can't.

I can't either,

but we have to.

Come on.

You havin' fun?

Yes.

This is the most perfect date

I've ever been on.

Stacy, how are you?

Jim Farrell.

We went to the prom together.

I took Stacy's virginity.

How about that?

Nick, get me

outta here.

No, wait.

I wanna thank you.

'Cause of all the help you

gave me with my trig homework,

I got accepted to M.I.T.

I'm not

an underachiever anymore.

Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah.

How have

you been?

Fine.

I've missed you.

You've changed

my life, you know.

After being with you, I had

the courage to sit down...

and write a Pulitzer Prize

winning novel.

You might just recognize

the heroine.

- Who are you?

- Kenny Kreiger.

Don't you remember?

[ Scoffs ]

You touched it.

Thanks so much

for doing that,

by the way.

I bragged to everyone

at school about it.

Now I'm so popular,

I'm running for

class president.

[ Groans ]

Psst. Psst. Psst.

Stacy. Stacy,

remember me?

Mike Sullivan--

The guy that never

called you back.

Well, I've been paying for

that mistake every day since.

I'm a complete failure.

I can't hold a steady job.

I had to move back in

with my parents.

I'd call you now,

but they won't let me

use the phone.

They just

won't let me use--

I'll always

call you back.

You have nothing

to worry about with me.

Nothing?

Nothing.

And you'll be starting

a clean slate.

[ Moans ]

Even though

I'm incredibly sexy,

I have never...

been to bed

with anyone...

in my entire life.

Oh, my God.

[ Man ]

Do you, Melissa,

take Gary to be

your lawfully wedded husband,

to honor and cherish

from this day forth,

as long as

you both may live?

[ Melissa ] I do.

Gary, do you take

Melissa to be your

lawful wedded wife,

to honor and cherish from

this day forth for as long

as you both may live?

I do.

[ Man ]

Stop!

Melissa, you don't

have to marry him.

I'll marry you.

- I'll marry you.

- I'll marry you, Melissa.

Who are you?

You don't know me.

But your parents do,

and they love me.

- Melissa.

- I love you, Melissa.

Melissa, I love you.

I'll marry you.

Melissa, I love you.

You can trust me.

I love you, Melissa.

[ Men ]

I love you, Melissa.

I'll marry you.

It was the weirdest dream.

I have no idea

how those thoughts

got into my head.

I have no imagination.

You're horny.

I am not horny.

I hate that word.

I'm extraordinarily horny.

I haven't had sex

since a year ago, April.

Wow. That's an even longer

stretch than me. Why?

Well, I found out my boyfriend

was seeing other women,

and I had to end it.

It was making me

too nervous.

Yeah.

Now when you're with a guy,

you're not just sleeping

with him.

You're sleeping

with everyone

they've had sex with.

And everyone

they've had sex with.

[ Together ]

And everyone

they've had sex with.

Gee, I'm a lot

more experienced

than I thought I was.

[ Giggles ]

What do you miss most

about sex?

[ Sighs ]

I miss falling asleep

with someone's arms around me.

- And the feeling of...

- Orgasm?

[ Chuckles ]

I love orgasms.

[ Groans ]

I'm sick of my Mighty Intruder

vibrator with the flexible shaft

and the textured head.

[ Both Laugh ]

I wish I missed it

as much as you guys do.

What about Gary?

Didn't you guys have some

down and dirty sex? Hmm?

Well, um, one time,

we did it twice in a row.

And the first time

it wasn't too bad.

And the second time,

it took a lot longer.

And... I came so close.

Haven't you ever

had an orgasm?

Oh, yeah, sure.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, not really.

I mean, not with

someone else in the room.

Melissa, you never

told me that before.

Well, it's okay.

I mean, it'll work itself out.

Well, it took me a while

to figure it out too.

It's complicated for women.

But I think

it's-it's best on top.

You know, if you take control

and then, like,

really move around...

till you find

the right spot?

Really?

I like to be

on the bottom.

And I just

move my hips like this.

You can have one

with the guy on top?

- Mm-hmm?

- I hate you.

God,

how do you do that?

Just like this.

What? Wh-What?

- What are you doin'?

A circle?

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, just

a little circle.

Like a little "O."

- What are you doing here?

- Didn't you schedule

a massage?

You?

The very best.

Ay-yi-yi.

[ Sighs ]

[ Giggles ]

I can't--

Um, I can't help it.

Why don't we try

a real easy exercise?

It might help you

loosen up a little.

Okay.

All right, I want you

to pay attention

to your breathing.

In.

[ Inhaling ]

And out.

[ Exhaling ]

That's good.

Now, try to imagine...

that your body

is very heavy.

That shouldn't be

hard to imagine.

[ Whispers ]

Hey, only positive thoughts.

Okay.

[ Screams, Giggling ]

[ Piano ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Stops ]

[ Resumes ]

- Oh, hi.

- Sounds great.

Yeah, thanks.

It's just somethin'

I've been workin' on.

Don't let me interrupt you.

No, no, you're not.

I was stuck anyway.

Do you write a lot of songs?

I used to.

I used to be in a band.

Ever heard of

Bruce Springsteen?

Yeah.

I have a lot

of his records.

[ Laughs ]

No, I really

was a musician,

but I, um-- I gave it up

for a rewarding career

as a health shaper.

Don't you miss it?

You're really talented.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks.

I do. I do miss it,

but I can't complain.

I'm gettin' paid

to stay in shape, right?

What about your plans later?

I mean, after your spa career.

I don't know.

There's some things

I'm workin' on.

I'm puttin'

some things together.

I'm workin' on stuff.

There's a lot

of things goin' on.

Right.

See you later.

Get back to work.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Rock ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

Hey,

what's goin' on?

[ Grunting ]

How about one

of your special drinks?

I thought you'd never ask.

That's

a pretty dress.

Thank you.

It makes you

look feminine.

Melissa, why don't we dance?

Okay.

Okay?

Jamie, back to work.

I need an aggressive

beverage.

Let's dance.

Here I go

She's a wild card

Won't let go

She's a wild card

[ Continues ]

The way you move,

it's so expressive.

Most women would be

too embarrassed to really

let themselves go like that.

Do you know how

complex you are, Melissa?

Um, I think so.

I feel the need

to understand you,

to know why you are

who you are...

and how you

became that way.

And when.

How about a real drink,

huh?

Oh, I don't know.

You don't know?

Come on. Take a shot, baby.

Get this party rollin'.

Well, just a little.

I don't want to ruin

the effects of my colonic.

Then when I was 13

I got caught plagiarizing

from the World Book...

and my dad ripped my phone

out of the wall.

Then he said I had to return

my American Legion award

in front of the whole school...

because I didn't

deserve it...

because you're supposed

to be honest.

And so I cried the whole night

because I couldn't figure out...

how I was going to

stand in front

of the whole school...

and give back my

American Legion award.

They would think

I was crazy.

The next day at school

my heart was pounding

the whole day--

Oh, I can

tell you later.

[ Sighs ]

Melissa, did you know that women

experience 63% more heightened

neurological sensitivity...

during the arousal phase

than during cl*max itself?

Really?

I like all the phases.

I should stop.

But you don't want to,

right?

I feel so many things

right now.

This is kind of interesting.

They were really easy

getting on.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Hello!

I cannot tell you

how excited I am to bring you

an unexpected treat tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud

to present our very own...

Mr. Nick Lawrence.

[ Cheering ]

[ Electric Piano ]

I can really see you

You are really here

And when we touch

You don't disappear

It's nothin'

like I planned

It's all that I'm worth

It's strange and beautiful

It's heaven and earth

And who you really are

And who I really am

Come shinin' through

Shinin' through

[ Continues ]

[ Kissing ]

What's the matter?

[ Grunts ]

We have a problem.

What is it?

[ Sighs ]

I can't. I'm sorry.

Is it me?

No, no, no.

It's not you.

It's me. I'm not

attracted to you.

Oh.

Now, I don't want you to

take this as a rejection...

but rather as an acceptance

between two people whose needs

are profoundly incompatible.

And you're not alone.

I'm going to devote

an entire chapter

to this in my book.

- You want me

to walk you back?

- No, that's okay.

Melissa,

I know you're hurting,

but whatever you do

don't judge those feelings.

They're just feelings.

They're great.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

I really wish you

hadn't seen that.

We gotta find a hero

Somewhere, sometime

We gotta be strong

With love on our mind

Oh, no

Rescue each other

Hold on in the end

To the hand of a stranger

The hand of a friend

- Behind your eyes

- Everything I believed in

[ Background Singers ]

Ohh

I see myself in you

Behind your eyes

Behind your eyes

I found something new

There behind your eyes

Behind your eyes

I found the face

that I never knew

Before

Behind your eyes

[ Cheering, Applause Continue ]

Oh!

[ Vinny Groans ]

- Hey!

- Vinny!

- Hi.

- You're drunk.

It's happy hour.

Could've fooled me.

Oh, you want a shot?

No, I better not.

Okay.

There.

That'll make you

feel better.

[ Sighs ]

It's good stuff,

huh?

Ahh.

It's good, see.

We'll have

our own party.

Okay?

Just me and you.

What kind of a party?

Um-- All right,

this is what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tell you a joke,

a funny joke,

a joke you're gonna like.

What happens--

You laugh, you gotta

take a shot of this.

If you don't laugh,

I gotta take a shot.

Okay.

All right,

here's the joke.

All right, there's

this old guy, right?

He's like 80 years old,

maybe 81.

It doesn't matter after 30.

You know what I'm sayin'?

So anyway,

this guy says, uh,

he wants one last night...

of really havin'

a good time, you know.

So he goes out,

he hops a few bars,

meets this bimbo, right?

Bada-bing, bada-bang.

They're goin' at it

all night long.

She was young,

like 19 years old.

I'm surprised the guy

even lived through that,

right?

What's the funny part?

I'm gettin' to that.

I'm gettin'

to the funny part,

all right?

Don't put me

under pressure here.

So now what happens,

the guy goes to confession

a few days later, right?

So he's tellin'

the priest everything,

like play-by-play,

what happened

that night.

So the priest says,

"Say 20 Hail Marys,

and you'll get forgiveness."

So the guy tells the priest,

"I ain't even Catholic."

So the priest says to him,

"Then why are you tellin' me

this whole story?"

He goes,

"I'm not just tellin' you.

I'm tellin' everybody."

[ Giggles ] You see

what I'm sayin' to you?

[ Chuckles ]

I don't get it.

Well, they're not

all golden, honey,

you know?

What about you?

You got a joke?

Uh, this is one that

the kids at school told me.

Why did the chicken go

halfway across the street?

Why?

He wanted

to lay it on the line.

You're not laughing.

Oh, not yet.

Not yet.

Inside, it's building.

It's building.

About a half hour from now

I'll be rollin'

all over the beach.

You won't

be able to stop me.

I'll be in hysterics.

[ Giggling ]

Wait. I get one, to be fair.

Okay.

All right.

I tell you what.

You like charades?

You like charades?

All right.

All right, um--

What is this?

It's a movie, right?

Nick, I think we should

talk about something,

but it's no big deal.

What?

Well, it's

kinda hard to say.

Well, then, whisper it.

It's been a long time

for me, and the thing is,

I feel like I should

ask you questions,

but I don't want

to interrogate you.

Medical history questions?

Yes.

You have to be so careful,

and you don't know

who anybody's been with.

I'm not saying anything

about you, but I--

I know. Shh.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of it.

This is a miracle.

For once,

it's all up to him.

No tubes, no jellies,

no furtive trip

to the bathroom.

I can just sit back

and let it happen.

I don't have

to do anything.

I'm not too good

with these things.

You think you

can give me a hand

putting it on?

Sure.

[ Man ] The good news

is that your Blue Cross

will cover this visit.

The bad news is

that you have herpes

simplex one and two,

trichomonas, gonorrhea,

acute immune deficiency

syndrome-related complex,

vulvar lesions,

secondary syphilis,

venereal warts...

and a potentially

unbearable case

of the crabs.

But he was only

the third guy in my life,

and the first one

didn't count.

No, all contact counts.

But I thought

I had safe sex.

Oh, no sex is safe enough

for you, Melissa.

Well, enjoy the rest

of your vacation.

[ Melissa Screams ]

[ Ducks Quacking ]

[ Groans ]

We must've

fallen asleep.

[ Both Groan ]

Oh, I wish

I were dead.

[ Heaving ]

[ Heaving Continues ]

I'll be all right.

Cigarette, honey?

No.

[ Lighter Flicks ]

Uh--

Where you goin'?

I'm going back to my room

to take a shower.

Hey, don't worry

about it.

You know, uh,

we'll do it again

some time.

[ Sighs ]

Chicks.

I'm the best from the East

I'm a wild, crazy beast

I'm the Vin Man

[ Chuckles ]

[ Nick ]

That was the most intense

it's ever been for me.

I feel like I died

for a second.

[ Stacy ]

Me too.

But it wasn't like dying.

It was more like sinking.

[ Sighs ]

[ Nick ]

It was like flying.

Yeah, flying.

[ Nick ]

Not just flying,

but actually hurtling

through outer space,

galaxy after galaxy.

Sorry. I can't get

a cab here in time.

You won't be able

to make the 8:00 bus.

Oh, yes, I will.

Well, there's

another one at 2:00.

No, I can't stay here

any longer.

Will you please see

that Stacy Hunter gets that?

Melissa, you're not

leaving us, are you?

Melissa, seeking escape

from a challenging

environment...

points to potentially

very serious

personality deficits.

You really ought

to consider analysis.

[ Grunts ]

[ Melissa ]

as*h*le.

[ Spits, Coughing ]

Hop in the back, honey.

Thanks.

Thanks.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Can I make

the bus to L.A.?

Just missed it.

[ Exhales ]

Damn it.

[ Exhales ]

Next one leaves

at 2:00.

Okay.

I'll take one

for the 2:00.

Excuse me.

Melissa told me

to give you this.

Thanks.

Thank you.

What is it?

[ Sighs ]

Melissa

went back to L.A.

All my fault.

I gotta go home.

You're just gonna leave?

I have to.

She doesn't have

anybody else.

Come on. Stacy!

Stacy.

I wanna go with you.

Well, I'd love that,

but what about

your classes?

I'll get someone

to cover for me.

[ Laughing ]

I'm gonna go with ya.

[ Woman Crying ]

[ Crying Continues ]

I lied.

I was extremely

attracted to you.

I just didn't want you

to see my unusually small p*nis.

Wait.

Melissa, you're alive!

Jamie, I am.

Kiss me.

Jamie.

Kiss me.

Jamie.

Jamie.

Jamie.

Jamie.

Jamie. You're here.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to make sure

you were all right.

I guess I better pack

Melissa's stuff too, huh?

I hope she's okay.

You know,

I've been thinkin', Stacy.

Yeah?

I might wanna stay

in L.A. for a while.

But you'll lose your job.

Yeah, well, maybe that's

not such a bad thing.

I mean, L.A.'s where all

the music people are, right?

Yeah.

I could

give it a shot.

You should.

You're so good.

[ Mutters ]

And you could stay

at my place.

Really?

- [ Sighs ]

- Do you really

have to go home?

I don't know.

I just feel so left out

at that place.

But if I go home,

then it's like I just gave up.

Besides, what if my body starts

to crave that mineral water?

[ Brakes Squeaking ]

Can we have two tickets, please?

Yeah. We're going

to Hollywood.

- Why don't you just put it

on your credit card?

- I don't have one.

- Really?

- [ Laughs ]

Yeah.

I don't believe in 'em.

Oh.

Well, look, just put 'em both

on my credit card, and you can

write me a check later.

No checking account.

Oh. Well--

Besides, I've got more

in my wallet.

[ Nick ]

Goin' to Hollywood.

Feel it, feel it

[ Continues ]

Jamie,

I am so glad you're back.

You gotta take over Nick's

aerobics classes for me.

Why? Where's Nick?

He eloped with Stacy back

to L.A. God, it was beautiful.

What?

Jamie, please.

I tried teaching

one of the classes myself.

I almost passed out.

It was really embarrassing.

All right, sure. No problem.

Thanks, sport.

Nick.

I can't believe it.

Stacy would

never get married

without telling me.

Let's go see

what's going on.

Why didn't she tell me?

Hi, Chopper.

Hey, there she is--

my favorite tenant.

Hi, Gus.

This is Nick.

Oh. Yeah.

Nice to meet ya.

Nick.

Hey, you can put those bags

out by the dumper.

Okay, buddy?

[ Giggles ]

Come on.

Oh, wow!

This is beautiful.

My God.

This is beautiful.

Stacy!

Where are you?

I'm in your apartment.

Where the hell are you?

I'm here.

Why are you there?

Well,

you were in trouble.

So I came to help,

and I dragged Nick

back with me. This is nuts!

Didn't you guys run off

to get married?

No. Like

I'd almost marry someone

I met two seconds ago.

I mean, I know him enough

to know I wanna know him better,

but that's not the point.

The point is,

your note scared me!

I'm-- I'm really sorry

I got you all worried.

All right.

At least I know you're okay.

Stacy, I hope things work out

between you and Nick.

Yeah, thanks.

Look, I gotta go.

Are you sure you're okay?

Are you sure you don't

want me to come back there?

I-I-I'm fine.

I gotta go.

All right. Bye.

[ Sighs ]

Guess I'm not

going anywhere.

I don't get it.

I'm hot, tight,

vastly entertaining.

I thought

that's what women want.

I know the feeling, pal.

What do you say we go

into the gift shop...

and get you a nice,

free Oasis T-shirt?

How's that sound?

You know, I used to have it

all figured out.

It's like women changed

when I had my back turned.

Yeah, it's rough.

You know,

I read something.

Where is it?

Here it is.

Here you go.

"The Pretend You're Sensitive

Handbook."

Nice save, hon.

Yeah.

I can't believe

how much stuff I got.

But I want you to know...

I'm not gonna take up

any of your closet space.

What I'd like to do--

Hon--

What I'd like to do is

stick everything over here

in the corner...

and then get one of those

cardboard drawer things,

you know.

You don't have to do that.

I-I can make room.

- You're so easy to live with.

- Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

So here.

Here's my contribution

to the apartment.

Oh.

Well,

I guess I'll just go put

these away right now.

That's great.

Think I got another one

in here too, hon.

[ Panting ]

Help.

Jamie, you know,

you've done everything

a human could possibly do

this week to make me happy.

Not everything.

Well,

I--

Yeah, I know.

But, uh, you--

Just, like--

I feel like I-- You--

Uh--

It just wouldn't

feel right for me

to get romantic with you.

Why not?

Well, um, you're not

the usual kind of guy

that I'm attracted to.

Oh. No?

I mean, you're

really attractive, but--

but, um--

I mean, I thought maybe

we should just stick

to being friends.

[ Scatting ]

Hey, Stace!

You wanna cruise up and down

Sunset Boulevard?

You can show me

where all the stars

hang out, hon.

Oh, Nick, you won't believe

what just happened.

I called into work.

There's a big emergency.

They need me. I gotta go.

Really?

Yeah. Oven problems

or something.

Oh.

But I'll be back

just as soon as I can,

and I'll call you, okay?

You just stay here

and have a good time, okay?

Okay. Hey,

and I love it here, hon.

Oh.

[ Door Opens ]

You think it's too late

to use the stereo?

[ Door Closes ]

[ Door Opens ]

I need a small car that's

really easy to handle.

You'll be fine.

Just take your time

and don't be intimidated

by it, okay?

Okay. Thanks, Keith.

[ Engine Starts, Revs ]

[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Crying ]

Ah.

[ Kissing ]

[ Exhales,

Sniffles ]

Wow. Do I look

any different?

Gosh, I'm

so good in bed.

Jamie.

What?

I never thought

it would happen to me.

You're a genius.

I'm a genius.

I bet I could

even do it again.

Maybe we should wait

a few minutes.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

Okay.

[ Tires Screech ]

[ Door Closes ]

Can I have the key

to Room 34, please?

Stacy, so nice to see you.

Uh, do you have

a few minutes?

I mean, it occurred to me.

I don't even know

where you work.

Where I work?

Yeah, your career plans,

your dreams,

your aspirations.

I really wanna hear

all about them.

What I want?

I don't even know.

Ask me what

anyone else wants.

Give me three seconds,

I'll figure out

your whole entire life.

Would you...

maybe wanna share

something with me...

about your

childhood perhaps?

Vinny, what the hell

are you talking about?

I'm in a big rush.

Look, I have to go talk

to Melissa.

'Cause if I don't figure out

something about my life soon,

I'm gonna crack.

I respect

your strength, Stacy,

and I think you've got

a lot of potential.

- Mmm.

- [ Door Opens ]

Stacy.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I should have knocked.

I-I didn't even think.

I'm sorry. Good-bye.

Stacy, what are you

doing here?

Oh, I didn't mean

to barge in on you guys.

Something's the matter.

Why are you here?

I don't know.

He's in my apartment.

Who?

There's sneakers all over

the living room,

and soon there's

gonna be cardboard drawers.

But who?

He thinks I'm a huge doll,

and the worst part

is he's so nice.

- Who's he?

- Nick.

Stacy, congratulations.

I hear you're married.

- I'm not married!

- Oops.

- I'm not married.

- Stacy, come in here.

Hi, Jamie.

Hi.

We're just gonna talk

for a second.

I'd leave, but I'm naked.

That's okay.

We'll just go in here.

Why is Nick

suddenly living with you?

'Cause I thought

I was in love with him.

Uh-huh?

[ Exhales ]

I think it was the sex.

I was celibate

for so long,

I started

to feel like a can

of kitchen cleanser.

You know, sterile

and gritty and abrasive.

And when we made love--

I don't know.

I felt like

a human again.

An mammal with breasts.

[ Sighs ]

And also he's

very talented. He's--

Stop.

Not the talented thing.

Okay.

I know. You're right.

He's the same guy again.

So, what are you

gonna do?

Well, I guess maybe

we could stay together...

until Nick gets settled

in L.A., and then when he--

Stacy.

End it.

Go back to L.A.

and just do it.

sh*t.

You're right.

I am, aren't I?

I'm gonna do it.

It's a test of my--

my new maturity.

[ Whispering ]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, Jamie's in there.

I know.

Can you believe it?

[ Whispering ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh!

Oh! Did he have one too?

[ Shower Running ]

[ Frankie Singing ]

[ Screams ]

It didn't work!

What? What? What?

It didn't work!

What?

The book. The book.

Don't get mad.

I'm not mad.

Look, a guy like me

cannot pretend.

Do you understand

I'm from Jersey?

It's like-- I know

this guy, Joey, right?

He-- He's in jail now.

He kills three people

with a knife.

But he didn't fake it.

He did it!

Look-- Look, Frankie.

I-I gotta get out of here.

I gotta get back to my roots,

put my head together,

do some thinkin'.

Hey, I'm sorry. I tried.

Oh, you--

you've been beautiful.

You're special.

I relate to you.

[ Door Closes ]

Good-bye.

[ Tires Screeching ]

Think she'll do it?

I hope so.

Hey, Stacy! Stacy!

Yo, Stace,

would you give me

a lift to the bus station?

I've had it

with this place, really.

I promise

I won't hit on you.

I won't even breathe.

Oh--

Come on.

Okay, okay. Hurry up.

Thanks.

I appreciate this.

Really.

Oh, man.

No problem.

So, why are you leaving?

I was havin' too much fun

for one person.

I tell ya somethin'.

I give up on this whole

relationship thing.

I mean, I was bombin' out

so bad at that place.

I would've shaved

between my eyebrows

if I thought it would help.

Tell me somethin'.

How do you do it?

Do what?

This whole man-woman

relationship thing.

I mean,

how do you do it?

Like-- Like when you're

with your friends, you know,

and, uh, you can just talk

and do whatever you do.

Someone you're

comfortable with, you know?

Only like, you know--

like on a romantic level.

[ Stacy Narrating ]

Okay, when I first met Vinny,

I thought this guy

is a living argument

for birth control.

But as I get

to know him better,

I realize he's just like

the rest of us-- a mess.

- [ Tires Screech ]

- [ Engine Stops ]

[ Sighs ]

So I dropped Vinny off

at the bus station...

[ Mouthing Words ]

and rushed home

to face Nick.

I'd rehearsed every word

I was gonna say... out loud.

I'd covered all the angles.

There was no way he could

talk me out of it.

[ Nick ]

Stace?

Nick.

Hey!

I went shopping.

Boy, these are

gonna last forever.

And wait till you see

the stuff I got for you

to make us breakfast.

Waffles.

Great stuff, huh?

And I got this big thing

of butter. Look at it.

Nick! Nick.

This isn't working.

Why?

You don't like waffles?

I-- It's--

It's not--

It's not that.

It's that we don't--

don't have any syrup.

[ Laughs ]

Ahh.

You know, it's like

I was meant to come here.

I mean, everything--

It feels, man--

It feels so right.

Really?

Yeah.

I feel so inspired.

You know, last night

when you were working,

I started

on this new song.

Oh, guess what

it's called.

"Stacy."

Wow.

[ Laughs ]

It's got this really

great bass line in it.

Now, just listen to this.

Um--

[ Humming Bass Line ]

[ Continues ]

Nick, that's great,

but--

Mm-hmm.

Okay, wait.

[ Continues ]

Stacy

- Nick--

- Oh, Stacy

Okay. Anyway,

that's all I got so far.

Really, I like it.

Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]

But, uh, look, uh--

This is kinda

difficult to say,

but I, uh--

I kinda have a problem.

Well, is it about money?

Aw, honey, don't worry.

I can get some dumb job

until somethin' else happens.

I am feelin' so confident.

Really.

It's not about the money.

It's about us

living together.

Well, you wanna get

a bigger place?

No, it's not the size

of the apartment, Nick.

Well, what--

what is it?

Look, I know that I c--

convinced you to come here,

and I know I kinda

helped you quit your job,

but it's about

our relationship.

Nick.

Yeah.

It's not gonna work.

Well,

I thought we had something

pretty special here.

It's not your fault.

It's me.

I'll end up taking care

of you, and I'll forget

all about myself.

Oh, you don't have

to take care of me.

Christ.

Nick, I will.

You don't know me.

I-I'm that way with men.

I-I-- I just lose myself.

I disappear.

You know,

but you heard them when

I was singin', didn't ya?

They loved me.

It's gonna be

the same way here in L.A.

I can't do it

this time, Nick.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

That's okay.

But let me tell you,

you're making a big mistake,

'cause I am gonna make it.

Good.

I'm gonna be huge.

I'm gonna be bigger

than huge.

I'm gonna be on the cover

of Rolling Stone magaz--

No, forget that.

I'm gonna be on the cover

of Time magaz-- No!

Forget that.

I--

I am gonna have...

more fans than Elvis!

Good.

Yeah!

And I won't even be dead.

Think about it.

[ Exhales ]

[ Stacy Narrating ]

Well, Nick packed up

his Heftys,

and I haven't heard

from him since.

After Nick, I kind of

took a break from guys

for a while... again.

You got me.

I know.

But I was

hoping for something

a little more romantic.

Oh.

Tell 'em

about the letter.

You think?

Yeah, tell 'em.

Okay.

"Dear Stacy,

I hope you don't mind me

writing to you,

but the only other letter

I ever wrote was to

the editor of Flex magazine,

and that was just to say

how much I enjoyed this

particular article called--"

[ Vinny's Voice ]

"'Hammer Those Glutes Till Your

Butt's Like A Bowling Ball.'

So it wasn't

exactly personal.

So, why do I now

take pen in hand

to write to you?

Okay, it's like this.

Ever since

I got home from Oasis,

things are different.

Like, all of a sudden,

I don't feel like

hangin' out every night.

I don't feel like

hittin' on women.

I don't even feel

like drinkin' milk

out of the carton.

I feel--

[ Inhales ]

I don't know.

Serious.

Like I'm in the midst

of some heavy changes.

I've forced myself to take

a closer look at the Vin Man.

You know, open 'im up,

pull 'im out,

dissect 'im like a frog.

And I've decided

to go after...

a more sharply tailored,

finely pleated,

subtly striped look.

[ Grunting ]

And I've discovered

I have a creative side

to my personality.

[ Humming ]

Hey!

[ Loud Sizzling ]

Anyway,

since most of my friends

saw the Vin Man...

as a larger-than-life,

legendary figure,

[ Hooting, Shouting ]

many are having difficulties

relating to me at this time.

But since you didn't

know me for very long,

I figured it might be easier

for you to understand.

Besides, you're one of

the few people I know who could

possibly appreciate all this."

"Respectfully,

your friend,

Vincent Falcone."

What can I say?

Life is bizarre.

Are you sure you have

to go so early?

Yeah, we still have another

bottle of champagne.

Oh, well, I'm kinda tired.

Besides, you two

should be alone.

Here.

Mwah!

Good night, you.

Bye-bye.

Thanks.

Happy New Year.

Okay, thanks.

Bye.

[ Speakers:

"Auld Lang Syne" ]

[ Door Shuts ]

Hey.

Need a lift?

[ Chuckles ]

Vinny.

What are you

doing here?

I was just drivin'

around the neighborhood.

Last night I--

Look, it's like this.

It's Christmas Day.

I'm sittin' around

my house, right? I'm all alone.

So, uh,

I hop in the limo.

Twenty-four hours later,

I wind up in Chicago.

And I say to myself,

"Vincent,

where the hell

are you goin'?"

That's when it hits me.

I'm comin' to see you.

You drove all that way

just to see me?

Hey, only four days and,

what, 18 speeding tickets?

But it's okay.

I got my own

business now. Here.

I got four of 'em.

Four stretch limos.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

Fully loaded.

The works.

Hey. But, look, I--

You know, I realize

I didn't call or nothin',

so, uh, if you got

some plans, you know--

Uh, well, I was gonna--

[ Sighs ]

I-I have nothin' to do.

I'm just going home.

Maybe we could

do somethin'.

I don't know.

Maybe go play

some miniature golf.

You like golf?

Vinny.

It's late.

Yeah, I know.

All right.

That's all right, you know.

I mean, hey, you know,

I felt like takin' a drive

anyway, you know, uh--

I mean,

it's New Year's Eve,

you know.

You probably

had a wild night

or somethin'.

I mean, who needs a visit

from the Vin Man

on New Year's Eve?

You know what I'm sayin'?

I understand.

I mean--

Hey, look, you have

a good New Year's,

all right?

I'm gonna, uh, take off.

Vinny.

You want some breakfast?

Um, you know,

I could eat somethin'.

I'm kinda hungry.

I been drivin' a while,

you know.

I can make you an omelet.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, yeah?

You a good cook?

I been doin'

some cookin' myself.

How 'bout I make you

an omelet, huh?

That would be nice.

Okay, wait a minute.

Hang on. I got--

Hang on.

What?

Wait.

Merry Christmas.

Ohh!

[ Giggling ]

[ Limo Door Shuts ]

Oh, my God!

You like him?

What's his name?

I didn't give him a name.

You-- You choose somethin'.

[ Continues Giggling ]

I don't know.

He's chewing my hair up.

[ Growling ]

Look at his little face.

[ Yaps ]

Ooh!

He's so cute!

[ Yapping Continues ]

[ Imitates Barking ]

He's a cute one,

huh?

That's so sweet.

[ Guitar ]

[ Sleigh Bells

Jingling ]

[ Continues ]

Jingle bell, jingle bell

Jingle bell rock

Jingle bells swing

and jingle bells ring

Snowin' and blowin' up

bushels of fun

Now the jingle hop

has begun

Jingle bell, jingle bell

Jingle bell rock

[ Doorbell Chimes ]

Jingle bells chime

in jingle bell time

Dancin' and prancin'

in jingle bell square

Merry Christmas!

In the frosty air

Glad you could come.

Hi.

- [ Barking ]

- Whoa! What do you

say there, big guy?

Let's put them

by the tree.

Hi, Nicky!

[ Chattering ]

[ Barking Continues ]

[ Nicky ]

Come on, Daddy!

Hey, come here!

Help us, Jamie!

Help us! Help us!

Help us!

[ Chattering Continues ]

Jingle bell time

is a swell time

To go ridin'

in a one-horse sleigh

Daddy! Come on!

[ Laughing ]

Melissa.

What?

There's your boyfriend.

So what?

There's yours.

[ Loud Grunting ]

[ Laughing, Shouting ]

Get 'em!

Yeah.

That's the jingle bell

That's the jingle bell

There's my boyfriend.

That's

the jingle bell rock

[ Reggae ]

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man!

No casual sex

Once upon a time

Love with the proper stranger

was divine

Like vintage wine

To be tasted

Never wasted

There was a time

When your promiscuity

was fine

Now it's a crime

And the word

if you haven't heard is

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man!

No casual sex

Yeah, man!

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man!

No casual sex

Get up, man!

Once upon a time

A man with experience

was a welcome find

Top of the line

Sit back, baby

Just enjoy the ride

Now such a guy

Can't even get a date

on a Friday night

You know why

Girls are waitin',

interrogatin'

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man!

No casual sex

Yeah, man!

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man!

No casual

No more, no more

No more, no more, no more

No more, no more

No more, no more, no more

Something's happenin'

Somebody's runnin' then

All the innocent

happen to be horny men

Something's happenin'

Something's imminent

Just for livin' in

Sodom and Gomorr-again

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man

No casual sex

[ Howls ]

[ Trills ]

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Whoo! Whoo!

Once upon a time

Every girl was approachable

and primed

Now there's a sign

Hangs on the hearts

and the private parts

Says no more

casual sex, man

Hey, man!

No casual sex

Yeah, man!

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man!

No casual sex

Yeah, man!

Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh

Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Bang-bang!

Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh

Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Bang-bang!

Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh

Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Bang-bang!

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man

No casual sex

No more casual sex, man

Hey, man

No casual sex

Come on! Hyah!

No casual sex

No more, no more

No more

No casual sex

Such a casualty

Casual sex

[ Singers Grunting, Shouting ]

Casual sex

Casual sex

Casual sex

[ Laughing,

Shouting Continues ]

Ohh!

Ohh!

[ Howls ]

[ Fades ]