02x10 - Scared Straight

[bunniefuu]

- Gandalf.
- Aragorn!

- Gandalf!

- Denzel,
there's no way

Gandalf's d*ck was bigger
than aragorn's.

- What?
Not only was it bigger,

He could sh**t fireballs
off that sh*t.

[Imitates g*nf*re]
look out!

That guy's burning down
a village with his d*ck!

- I know for a fact
that viggo mortensen's hung

Like an elven horse.

- What, you seen it?

- Not in person.
It was in a dream.

- Ooh, can you believe it's only
three days until j.r.r. Tol-con?

- I can't wait
to go with you, denzel!

媻 oh

- 媻 oh

Both: ♪ lord of the rings
is our favorite thing ♪

媻 lords and orcs
and magical kings ♪

媻 look at that human and elf
have a fling ♪

媻 gollum is trying to steal
frodo's bling ♪

- Shut up, shut up,
shut up!

Uh, what the hell
are y'all talking about?

- Lord of the rings convention.

You know, wizards
and dragons and stuff.

- Oh, before y'all
arrested me,

I was on my way to a convention
filled with wizards and dragons.

- For real?
Y'all dress up and stuff?

- Oh, hell yeah,
we do.

- Still better
than comic-con.

媻

- Aah!

- 媻 brickleberry

- [Grunting]

- What's the matter, connie?
- [Grunts]

Malloy replaced my toiled seat
with a bear trap.

- What?
[Laughs]

What a prankster.

- Malloy's always
been kind of an as*h*le,

But is it just me, or is he,
like, way worse recently?

- Well, if he is,
I haven't noticed.

[Chain saw revving]
- aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

- Ah, good, another doonesbury
I don't get.

- Why is malloy acting out
all of a sudden?

- Because he's a wild animal,
and woody never disciplines him.

He just gives him sugar
and weapons.

- For your information,
dr. Phil,

I'm a harsh disciplinarian.

Why, last night,
malloy said a dirty word,

And I washed his mouth out
with a bar of chocolate.

- Stop it, please.
Aah!

- Woody!
- Fine.

Malloy, stop trying
to m*rder steve, or else!

- This will teach you
to ruin my fun.

- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

- "Well," he said,
"I'm back."

The end.
- God damn!

Now that is how you close out
an epic fantasy trilogy!

- I can't believe you never
read these before you met me.

- The only thing that gets read
in detroit is your rights.

Steve, I'm glad you opened my
eyes to this fantastical world.

It helps me forget that I work
in a boring-a*s park

And that my best friend
is a nerd with a micro-phallus.

- Best friend?
Thanks, pal.

Tol-con's gonna be awesome!

- Ooh, you have no idea.
Here's the best part.

- There's a costume contest?

And the winner
gets to meet v-v-v--

Viggo mortensen!
[Grunts]

I've got the perfect costume!

The mythical shadowfax!

[Whinnies]

- The lord of all horses!

[Deer grunting]
hey, wait, what the hell?

Hey! Oh!
This ain't right!

Stop!
Help!

- From now on,
you getting in the back.

- What happened here?
- Malloy did it.

Where is
your little prince charming?

- Don't ask me,
I'm grounded.

- [Groans] I saw him go that way
with a flamethrower.

- Oh, I thought you were
bobbing for french fries again.

- Where did he get
a flamethrower?

- What?
It was christmas.

- Malloy is a troubled youth,
woody.

I should know.
I used to be one.

See, back when I was a kid
in detroit, I was in a g*ng.

We called ourselves
the cool friends g*ng.

And when I say
we were hard-core,

I mean we were hard-core!

Get outta the sleigh, b*tch!

[All grunting, shouting]
- oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Yeah!
[g*nshots]

- Whoa,
denzel was in a g*ng!

Let's all take a moment to soak
in that startling revelation.

- This is serious, woody.

- Ah,
you're all overreacting.

Malloy hasn't gotten
into any real trouble yet.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

- 3 Counts of grand theft auto,
137 moving violations,

12 Counts
of attempted vehicular homicide,

And he called my partner
a [bleep] dipshit.

- First of all,
I don't know where

He could have heard language
like that.

Second, your partner looks like
a [bleep] dipshit.

- If this bear steps foot
in our town again,

We're throwing him in prison.

- Prison?
Don't worry, officers.

I'll make sure nothing like this
ever happens again.

[Both screaming]

Oh, god.
Maybe he is out of control.

What am I gonna do?

- I think it's time I made
a call to my boys in detroit

To scare this bear straight.

Right after I practice galloping
as a mythical horse.

[Deer grunting]
aw, man!

There come my boys.

The baddest gangstas in detroit.
What?

- Good afternoon, denzel.

- These urkels are gonna
scare malloy straight?

They're wearing
g*dd*mn penny loafers!

- Wow.
You guys look different.

Y'all still gangbanging,
right, m*rder bone?

- Oh, no.

I teach jewish-african-american
studies

At the community college.

- And I own
a kia dealership.

Bug eyes here does
the marketing for me.

- Iba beebe settum uppa
theeba big wavy men

And inflatababull gobarillas.

- Yeah, he never really
recovered from that drive-by.

[Door opens]

- Oh, great.
Now we have four denzels?

- So this is
the little punk b*tch

Who thinks he's a criminal.

- Yeah, well, you eye to eye
with some real criminals, b*tch!

- I assumed, but it sounds
r*cist when I say it.

- Back in the day,
we got in some serious sh*t.

- Carjacking, pushing dope,

Breeding midgets
and fighting them to the death.

- Okay, that last one
caught me off guard.

- sh*t was for real, malloy.

We had no rules
and didn't respect the law.

We just ran around,
doing whatever we wanted,

Whenever we wanted.
- Yeahbada!

- That sounds awesome.
Why'd you stop?

- Yeah, why did we stop?

- Because we turned
our lives around, fool!

But you may not be
so lucky.

- So you guys
used to be badasses.

Now you're the target demo
for hgtv.

Where do I sign up?

- We still know how to get down.
- Yeah.

Just last week,
I bought a bumper pool table!

- And last friday, my wife
left for a conference in tulsa,

And I got to masturbate!

- Iba collect recipes
offba pinterest.

- Oh, he's right.
Our lives suck.

- Remember old officer pulaski
with the gimp leg?

Used to chase us like this?

"Hey, little mother[bleep]!
Get over here!"

[Laughter]
"hey! Hey!

Get over here,
little mother[bleep]!"

[Laughter]

Then we shot him
in the face.

Feels good to laugh again.

- See?
That's the spirit.

Guys, I don't mean
to play doctor,

But you've all got
a case of the "no funsies."

- That's what we get
for sharing needles.

- Man, the bear's right.
I'm bored.

- Meba tooba.

- I drive a g*dd*mn minivan.

- What do you say we hit
the town and have some real fun?

- Yeah!
- Hell, yeah!

- Hold on, you're supposed
to be scaring the bear straight,

Not declaring the bear's great!

- Don't be a punk, d.

We about to tear sh*t up
old school.

You in or out?
- Uh, in?

- So, cubsy wubsy, did my
homeboys scare you straight yet?

- Suck it, cr*cker!
- [Grunts]

- Yeah!
- Yeah, take it!

- [Grunting]

- Denzel, hey, there you are.

I've been looking all over
for you.

You didn't show
for shadowfax practice.

Everything okay?

- Whoa, hold up.

Who the [bleep]
is this honkey donkey?

[Laughter]
- I get it!

He's a honkey donkey.

- We're shadowfax,
the lord of all horses.

Tell 'em, denzel.

- Denzel, you're friends
with this guy?

- Oh, don't pay attention
to steve, fellas.

He's just a local pedophile
we keep around

To clean out the shitters.

Now let's go!
Later, local pedophile steve.

- [Groans]
[all grunting]

[Groans]

- You guys have gotten
pretty soft.

You sure you still know
how to commit crimes?

- Of course we do.

I said, "I want a small business
loan," mother[bleep]!

- What do you mean
this zumba groupon's expired,

Mother[bleep]?

- I sabida, "putta my child
in your pribata schoobada,

Moboda fuboda!"

- Someone please tell me
what the hell he just said.

- Yo, your kids are gonna
love it here.

They got
an excellent drama department--

- Freeze, scumbags!

- I don't like this at all.

Way too many blacks
in here.

- Turn to the right.
Eyes forward.

- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I'm warden smalls.

- [Stifles laugh]
- electric chair!

[Electricity crackles]

Anyway, I run a fair and
honorable christian prison here.

Rule number one--
no sarcasm.

- [Sarcastically]
aw, that's a great rule.

- Well, looks like we got us
a rebel here.

Try this on for size.

- Ow!
Why'd you hit me?

- Because as the bible says,

It's much more painful

To watch your friend suffer
for your sins.

- [Sarcastically]
oh, yeah, it is.

- That sounds like
more sarcasm, boy.

- Unh!

- [Sarcastically]
oh, no, please, stop.

- I'll break you
of that sarcasm, son,

If I have to break
every billy club

Over your friend's head.

- Ow! Hey!
Ah, stop! Oh!

God damn!

[Sarcastically]
um, hey, warden,

That's a really nice tie.

Take that, malloy!

Ow!
Wait, wait, wait!

I thought my friend
had to suffer for my sins.

- I was being sarcastic,
idiot!

Welcome
to hazelhurst prison.

I guarantee you boys
gonna stay in line,

Or my name isn't
warden tiny smalls.

- [Stifles laugh]
- electric chair!

[Electricity crackling]

- Scare me straight, huh?
Good plan, woody.

When we get home, I'm gonna
spank the sh*t out of you!

- You're not going home,
malloy.

You're staying here
until you've learned a lesson.

- Oh, you're getting
an angry spanking now!

Get me out of here, woody.

- Well, i--no!

No, I made my decision,
and I'm sticking to it!

Good-bye, malloy!

Be strong, papa bear.
[Sniffles]

Don't look back.

It's called tough love.

[Crying]

- Oh, what the--

What the hell's wrong with you?
Leave me alone!

Damn, I don't remember prison
being this scary

Back in the day.
- Oh, come on, denzel.

It ain't that bad.

- [Screams]

- Ohba, shibbit!

- Man, we're gonna die in here!
- Chill out, d.

There's four of us.

As long as we stick together,
we'll be fine.

- That's right, suckas!

Nobody's gonna mess
with the cool friends g*ng!

Who wants to step to this, huh?
Nobody?

That's what I thou--

- They call me "meat hammer,"
because I got a meat hammer.

And I don't mean
a tenderizing utensil.

- Got it.
- I mean a meat hammer.

- Uh-huh.
- In my pants.

- Following you.
- You know what?

I'm just gonna go ahead
and spell it out for you.

I'm referring to my d*ck.
- I got it!

[Indistinct chatter]

- 'Sup, b*tch?
Como se llama, ese?

- Of course I'd like chips
and salsa.

You guys got any queso?

- Hey, watch your mouth, son!

This is paco,
leader of the latin kings.

- That's a weird name
for a landscaping company.

- What?
I'm gonna k*ll--

- Knock, knock.
- Oh, who's there?

- Amish hank.
- Uh, amish hank who?

- I'ma shank you!

- [Grunting]
hey! Hey!

[Thud]

- Mm.

Yeah, it's been real lonely
in here

Since my last cellmate died.
- How'd he die?

- The doc in the infirmary said

His an*s got turned
inside out...somehow.

- You boys are free to go.

- Yeah,
that's what I thought!

Can't no prison contain
the cool friends g*ng.

Move out my way!
- Not you, son.

Just your friends.
- Yeah, man, sorry about that.

I could only call in favors
for the three of us.

- Hey, what about
sticking together?

- The only thing you need
to be concerned

About sticking together
is your butt cheeks.

- Mm.

You gonna be doing
a hard 12 in here.

And I don't mean 12 years
of hard time.

I mean 12--
- I know!

- All right, everyone,

Thank you for coming
to audition.

As you know,
my ex-best friend denzel

Is rotting in a prison
because he's a class-a jerk,

Which means one of you
is going to replace him

As my partner
in the tol-con costume contest.

- Contest?
Craigslist said "horse costume."

I thought this was
a furry freak sex party!

- This is not
a furry freak sex party.

[All muttering]

Jorge, wait!

What I meant was, we're going
to a furry sex party.

- Yes!
You haven't lived

Till you've contracted herpes
from a gigantic squirrel!

- [Whistling]

媻

媻 gonna visit my cubsy wubs
in the big, scary prison ♪

媻 gonna bring him home 'cause
he has learned his lesson ♪

What the hell?

- Okay, so look, vato,
tuco over in cell 31?

He shows me no respect.
He's gotta go.

- Yo, I'll take care of it.

- Wait, but I am tuco.

[Both grunting]

[Thud]

- Cubsy wubs?

- What'd you call
our leader, ese?

You want for me to make
this b*tch a*s dead?

- No, that's cool, dog.

I think I remember this fool
from back in the hood.

- What happened to you,
malloy?

- Nothing happened to me,
gringo.

This is my family now.

Julio, is that my moon pie?

- I knew it, malloy!

I knew tough love
was a bad idea!

I never should've listened
to those as*h*le rangers.

Don't you worry.

Daddy is gonna bust you
outta here.

- Bust me out?
This is my home, homes.

I ain't going nowhere.

Brah, I heard vato k*lled julio
and tuco.

He is out of control.
Take him out.

- [Grunting, choking]

- Okay, jorge, there's the line
for the costume contest.

- When does
the furry sex commence?

My sack grows tight
with anticipation!

- In a minute.
Come on.

Left, right, left.
- [Grunting]

- Shorten your gait.
- [Grunting]

- Come on.
- What the--what the [bleep]?

- Denzel could do it.
What's so hard about this?

- Because my eyes sting from
the fumes coming from your an*s.

You smell like
the middle east!

- Hey, great gollum costume.

- I have progeria.

- Okay, we're next!

I think we've still
got a shot at winning.

- I'm sorry,
you're disqualified.

- What? Why?

- Yeah, you're disqualified
because you're missing

The back half of your costume.
- Jorge!

- You are the biggest,
sexiest furry in here.

Tell me, what are you, a bear?
Huh?

A gorilla?

- I'm peter jackson.

- Here, relax.
Have some toilet wine.

- Nah, nah, I'm good.

I had a bunch
of shitter sake earlier.

- Now, I don't want
to just make love.

We should get
to know each other.

- Ooh, good idea.

We should have lots
of long conversations.

- What's your favorite color?
- Blue.

- Okay, let's do it.
- What? Aah!

Hey, hey, that's not gonna fit!
It ain't gonna fit!

- Not so fast!

You cannot have sex
with this man.

- Oh, thank you,
baby jesus!

- Until after you marry him.
- Wait, come again?

- I run
a good christian prison here,

And I don't allow
any intercourse under my roof

Unless you share a union
in the eyes of god.

Call the caterer, boys.

We're having us
a g*y prison wedding!

- Oh, boy!
We're getting married!

- W-wait, what's the rush?
- I'm a romantic.

And I got A*DS.

- All right,
brickleberry's finest.

Denzel's about to become
a human condom,

And my poor little baby
has been brainwashed

By a g*ng of landscapers.

And we are gonna
bust 'em both out.

- Bust them out?

That prison's harder to get into
than a sheep's panties.

- True, hazelhurst penitentiary
is notorious for two things--

One, its airtight security,
and two,

Its fondness for forced
h*m* weddings.

We're gonna pose as a wedding
events crew, slip in,

And be gone with our friends

Before the rice pilaf
is even cold.

- Oh, my god, I've always
wanted to plan a wedding!

- Easy there, bridezilla.
You're on cake and flowers.

Connie,
you're the photographer.

- Can I grab
a couple titty pics of ethel?

- Firecracker jim,
you're on demolition.

When you hear,
"dun, duh, dun, dun, dun,"

Blow us an escape route!

- Hell, yeah!

Blowing sh*t up was my major
in college!

- I didn't know brickleberry
had a college.

- That's 'cause I blew it up!

- Them prison guards are gonna
be packing a lot of heat,

But so will we.

When they start firing at us,
poom!

- Hey, look at me!
I'm like a stripper with g*ns!

- Just like granny possumcods.

She used to hold us at gunpoint
and give us lap dances.

I love christmas.

- All right, team,
let's do this.

[All cheering]

- Hola, n*gro.

Me and my boys just wanted
to come down

And give you
a little wedding present.

- Sweet, a shank.
- No, it's a toothbrush.

I figured you should
have fresh breath

While meat hammer
turns your as*h*le inside out.

- Oh, no!

How are we gonna
get past the guards?

- Now everybody
just stay cool.

I got a whole backstory
worked out.

[Australian accent]
good day, mate.

Name's rick swordfire.

I'm a bisexual pisces
who loves analingus.

- How do you spell
your last name?

- Uh, uh, uh,
uh...

All right.
Let's go!

- [Crying]

- Hey, buddy, you okay?
- No, not really.

I got screwed over
by my best friend.

Now I'll probably never get
to meet my hero.

- Come on, man.
Sure you will.

- Viggo mortens--
[grunts]

- Life is too short to be mad
at your best friend.

- You're right, viggo.

And now
he's in a lot of trouble.

He's being forced to marry
this guy in prison.

- What?
You need to help your friend.

Think like a hobbit, man.

You think that, uh, "fredo"
would allow "gandar" to--

He'd use the invisibility,
uh, necklace, uh--

All right, I'm sorry.

I never saw
those g*dd*mn movies.

媻

- [Snaps]

媻

- When that guy's done
with denzel's rectum,

People will pay
to see evel knievel jump it.

媻

Okay, firecracker jim,
blow it!

- [Coughs]

- Those inbred hillbillies
[bleep] up their cue!

- Yeah, sorry 'bout that.

- What the hell
are you guys doing here?

- Well, yeah, we kinda got
arrested on the way over here.

Turns out smoking meth while
driving is a parole violation.

- God damn it.
Well, at least we've still got

A giant wedding cake
filled with g*ns.

- Yeah, about that,

There was just no way
to get the g*ns inside

Without messing up the lavender
buttercream frosting.

Sorry.

- Ethel, are you telling me

That rather than springing
malloy and denzel,

We're actually here
to cater a g*dd*mn wedding?

- No,
a beautiful g*dd*mn wedding!

- [Clears throat]

Dearly incarcerated,
we are gathered to witness

The union between meat hammer
and denzel,

Which shall last forever,

For while g*y marriage
may be legal in our fine state,

g*y divorce is not.

Meat hammer,
do you take denzel

To be your lawfully wedded
g*y prison partner?

- You bet I do.

- And, denzel,
do you take meat hammer?

- Say it.
You better say it.

- I, uh--i d--

[Horse whinnies,
galloping]

- [Whinnies]

- Holy sh*t!
Is that viggo mortensen?

Man, his career
is in the shitter!

- I, lord of the rings,
command you--stop this wedding!

[Grunting]

- Steve, you saved me!

- That's what best friends
are for!

- Look, steve, I'm sorry for--
- already forgiven.

Now let's get you out of here
the quickest way possible--

As two grown men
in a horse suit.

- Sounds good.
I'll take it from here.

- Wait a minute!

This is not
a furry fook fest either!

- Let's ride, steve!

- Giddyup, partner!

- No, no, leave me!
I love it here!

- Shadowfax, away!

- [Whinnies]

- Now if somebody
could only explain to me

What the [bleep]
just happened?

- Aah!