S1 - Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs the Reverend

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt". Aired: March 6, 2015 – January 25, 2019.*
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Rescued after 15 years in a cult, Kimmy Schmidt decides to reclaim her life by venturing to New York, where she experiences everyday life with wide-eyed enthusiasm.
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S1 - Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs the Reverend

Post by bunniefuu »

Now, this is the fancy option.

Like what Mrs. Peanut
would get married in.

You think Mr. Peanut is straight?

And this is the other option.

But that one's just fun,

like a pool float
shaped like a piece of pizza.

What? Your wedding is in three days,
and you haven't chosen the dress yet?

I know I'm being silly.
Thank you for being so patient with me.

Don't thank her. You're rich now.

-And rich people can do whatever we want!
-[crashes]

[laughs]

Oh, brother, this is hard.

How do you choose between fancy and fun?

Why choose? Just cut the butt
out of the fancy one.

Best of both worlds.

I say don't pick the fun one.

If you think something's fun,
it's gonna be dumb and for babies.

I'm gonna go with...

the fun one!

Sorry, Titus, but my wedding's
going to be a lot of fun,

and that dress is like a party on my body
that everyone's invited to!

There you go, hon! Piece of cake!

Oh! That reminds me.

-Where the hell did you get that?
-Cake tasting.

-But you didn't come to my cake tasting.
-I can have my own cake tasting, Kimberly.

Kimmy, I cannot wear this.

Oh, don't worry. The wedding's indoors,

so if it rains, the candy won't melt
and attract bees.

That's not what I was...

Oh, my God! Titus! Are you kidding?

If I were, you'd be chuckling right now.

-Chuckling hard.
-[exasperated sigh]

As your agent, I can't let you eat that.

Come on.

You start sh**ting in two days.
You're playing a Navy SEAL.

You're supposed to be following
Mark Wahlberg's workout regimen.

": a.m., wake up."

-Spit take.
-": a.m., prayer time."

-Pass.
-": a.m., workout number one."

-Number one?
-": a.m., post-workout meal."

-I can do that.
-": a.m., golf."

Why, bitch, why?

This is a huge opportunity.

You're the lead of a big action movie.

Pull this off, and you'll be
the first guest on Fallon

instead of the guy that gets bumped
because Bindi Irwin ran long.

She brought an extra frog
and didn't tell the producers!

Now go to the gym.

Fine.

You know what?

I'll go to the gym.

Am I lying?

No.

But if I was, that'd also be a lie.

But I'm not. Or am I?

[thuds, clatters]

Off to the gym I go.

[playful music]

[sighs]

Trying to make me exercise.

I'm an actor. I can act like I got strong.

sh**t.

You don't tell me nothing.

I'm just gonna...

[snoring]

[upbeat music]

Kids are at gymnastics.

Let's eat.

A dream inspired by true events.

Scrod, my darling?

[gasps]

Now let's make love.

Come here. Yeah!

This is a nightmare!

Come here, you big old guy.

-Please wake up!
-Yeah! You know you want it!

I don't!

Charlotte McKinney, get off of me!

Boy, when you walk down the aisle
in that dress,

Frederick's gonna be all,
"Ga-ga-ga-gooey!"

And I can't wait to see you
in your bridesmaid's dress.

Titus's man purse is gonna be
all over you!

[grunts]

-What's wrong, Jan?
-I can't fit in my dress, okay?

I can't lose the weight!

I don't want to be the fat bridesmaid
who has to wear the shawl, Kimmy.

The shawl...

Are you crazy?

You couldn't lose any more weight
if you wanted to.

You're empty.

See?

[Jan laughs]

That tickles!

That hurts! Now it tickles again.

You don't have anything.

Wait. What the huh?

What is it, Kimmy?
A portal to a magical land?

Quick! Hop in me!

No.

[Kimmy] It's a book!

A book?
[sighs]

That must be why I've been feeling so fat.

Now that's what I call a diet book, huh?

Wonderful!

Oh, Jan, I wish I had your quick wit!

[chuckles]

My backpack is my funnest friend!

Have you ever met a backpack this funny?

Frederick?

We're home! Frederick?

Kimmy! Hello, my love.

Oh, Jan! Have you lost weight?
No shawl for you.

Oh, Frederick!

Yeah! Look what I found inside her.

A book! The thing you learn
horse breeds from.

Frederick, the entire time
I was in the bunker,

I had a whole other book
I didn't even know about.

A hundred books, actually,
because it's a pick-your-own-journey,

where you get to decide
how the stories go.

Oh, you mean, a "whence thither" book?

I gotta read this, like, now!

Actually, there are some wedding details
to be attended to.

We still haven't chosen your somethings
old, new, borrowed, and blue.

Oh, I'll do it.
You don't have to worry about that.

I know, but I can't help it.

I had such a peculiar childhood.

Not like yours,
which was truly awful. You win.

But I am th in line
to the throne of England.

Eleventh, if Great-Uncle Uther turns out
to be mostly corgi, as is rumored.

His legs are pretty stumpy,
and his tail...

I've never had friends, really.

Kim Jong-un was the only other student
at L'École Porcverrues.

I spent most of my life
in the company of my nanny Fiona.

Well, I'm glad at least
she's coming to the wedding.

Don't be cross with my family, darling.
After all, I am marrying commoner trash.

Their words.

It's just, you know, this wedding,

this could finally be the start
of a normal life for The Scooch, huh?

I'll have a cool new nickname,
a beautiful American wife,

and maybe we'll get to live
in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

That's a normal thing to do, isn't it?
Harrisburg?

Oh, Frederick, you can't just start
talking about being normal

in that cartoon fox Robin Hood accent.

You know it gets my motor going.

Right, I'm sorry.

You're being
a real smooch tease, Frederick.

It hurts my area.

Well, I suppose a third option
would be practicing for our honeymoon.

Oh, boy. I do like kissing you.

And I you.

But planning is also fun.

[playful music]

Of course, I'll help with the wedding.

I know what it's like to feel
like you missed out on stuff.

That's one of the reasons
we get on so well.

That and the wonderful imaginations

we both honed
during our years of solitude.

Right, RoboKimmy?

[in robotic voice]
You are correct.

-[both laugh]
-Splendid.

Also, neither of us ever met our fathers.

Mine took off,
and yours died in childbirth.

So I'm told.

And yet, the tabloids still publish
their nasty rumors

about Mother's gardener.

I look nothing like the man.

So, something old.

How about Jan? I've had her forever.

Your fourth-grade lizard died in me!

But do you think wearing a backpack

will go with our wedding theme
of "Cool Grownups"?

What about that book of yours?

It's old, but you didn't know you had it,
so it's new to you.

It's also blue!

And it's borrowed, right?

Because it's a library book!
Nice one, The Scooch!

[chuckles]

What the H-E single C, single K?

This book was checked out
on April , .

That's five years after I got tooken.

And you didn't attend
Louis Gossett, Jr. Junior High School.

No, so it's not actually mine.

So, it must belong to one of your chums
from your underground terror pit.

Your words.

Right. One of the other Mole Women.

It's just so weird, though.

Well, the mystery is solved easily enough.

[exhales sharply]

But which one do I call?

Well, Cyndee's always fun.

Oh, but what about Donna Maria?

And who could forget Gretchen?
Yes, this is hard.

Eeny, meenie, miney, mo,
catch a tiger by its toe--

Oh, is that how you choose things here?

In England, we say,
"Jumpy Bumpy, out of the way,

grab the cow and steal its hay.

If the farmer comes about,
Jumpy Bumpy, wiggle and shout."

And then, we just make a measured decision
about which option's best.

[keypad beeping]

[line ringing]

[Cyndee] Hello?

Hey, Cyndee, it's Kimmy.

Hey, Kimmy, how fancy
is this weekend gonna be?

Should I pack the gown
that I wore on Celebrity Bachelorette?

It's got a couple of holes in it
from where Brandi Glanville bit me, but--

I'm sure it's real nice.

Listen, Cyn, I found an old library book
that I think one of us had in the bunker.

I'm going to stop you right there.

I'm doing this new therapy
where they erase your unwanted memories,

so I don't know what "the bunker" is.

You're just my New York friend!

Well, it's just that I found it
in my backpack.

You mean Jan?
No, it's all coming back at once.

No. Why? What?

Um, anyhoo, it's called
The Mystery of the Mysterious Spy.

Wait, that's not "yours's"?

Because the day that we were rescued,
they found it with the Reverend's stuff.

And it didn't belong to me
or the other girls.

So the police must have put it in Jan.

But it's not mine.

So, if it's not any of "ours's,"

maybe there was another girl
we didn't know about? Okay. Bye.

[Kimmy] No, Cyndee, wait!

Do you really think there was another girl
that got kidnapped

that we don't know about?

Oh, gosh, I hope not.

-Well, we have to do something.
-[Cyndee] But what?

The only person that knows the truth
is Reverend Richard,

and I am not getting anywhere near him
because of some stuff I'm remembering.

[Cyndee] What's that crank for?

You want to go to Indiana
three days before you get married?

I have to figure out whose book this is.
If there is another girl--

I know this is important, but there is
so much to be done before Saturday.

If you need help with wedding stuff,
Lillian doesn't have anything to do.

I guess those cinder blocks
just throw themselves off the overpass.

I'll be back for the rehearsal.

I don't want to spend a second more
than I have to with that monster.

The man who used to cheat at Clue!

I don't know why that was my example.
He did so much worse.

This is going to be very hard for you.

You shouldn't be going there alone.
I'll go with you.

No, you won't. You're supposed to be
doing cardio in five minutes.

Cardio? The erotic magician I dated
in the early s?

Exercise!

Kimmy is more important than any movie!

And if I have to drop out of it
to be there for her,

then drop out I shall of it.

To be honest, it would be nice
to have a friend there with me.

No, no. I'll go with you,
and Titus can go to the gym.

He has a costume fitting tomorrow,
and my ass is on the line here, too.

And I know what you're thinking,
"What a lucky line," but this is serious.

Boy, talk about a "sofa's" choice.

Being a sofa must be hard.

You two are perfect for each other.

[playful music]

I'm sorry, Jacqueline.

You melted Madame Tussauds Conan O'Brien!

[chuckles]
This American insult comedy is wonderful.

Titus, you've been my closest friend
since the first day I came--

Yes. Will we eat on the plane or--

I've got another one!

You drowned cruise ship
birthday clown.

I'll call Teterboro
and have them fuel up my jet,

Plane-O the SkyCar.

We're going to fudging Indiana.

[theme music]

♪ Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪

♪ It's a miracle! ♪

♪ Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell
Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪

That's gonna be... you know,
a fascinatin' transition.

♪ Dammit! ♪

There are, like, dozens
of Louis Gossett, Jr. Junior High Schools

in America. Why?

It was a promotional stunt
for the release of Iron Eagle .

Got me to watch it.

But there isn't one in Indiana.

[sighs]

If there is another girl,
I don't even know where to start.

And d*ck Wayne isn't about to help me.

I'm going to have to walk
into that prison and outsmart him.

It's like Silence of the Lambs.

Silence? Oh, no.

When you k*ll them,

lambs make, like, a human scream
and then a rattling sound.

[laughs]
Silence! I wish!

This is unacceptable.

-Who has a plane with no foods on it?
-There was a vegetable platter.

"There was a vegetable platter."
That's what you sound like.

Visitor for Richard Wayne?

Yes. That's me.

Titus, wait here.

I have to do this part alone.

Good, because I am now stuck
in a vending machine,

and all I can reach are gums!

[tense music]

-[door alarm beeps]
-[door opens]

Well, well, well. What a surprise.

Unlike every birthday I've ever had
in here, despite the mini hints.

Hello, d*ck.

Actually, I go by my prison g*ng name now.

"Vete Pedófilo Blanco."

I'll get down to beeswax.
I've got to ask you some questions.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We haven't seen each other
in like five years.

How about we make
like a hot dog and ketch-up?

I forgot you put ketchup
on hot dogs! You sicko!

That's why I'm a sicko?
I've done a lot worse.

Remember Clue?
God, why was that my example?

Come on, Kimmy. You come all this way.

Let's be sociable.

I mean, the Kimmy Schmidt
I allegedly kidnapped was at least polite.

Or has New York changed you?

Are you all like, "Oh, it's because
of the water that the bagels are so good"?

I'm not like that!

Prove it!

Fine. How is being in prison forever?

Uh, both monotonous and violent.
Thank you for asking.

Hey, you catch that documentary
I starred in?

Nice to see how you stood by me
this whole time.

But then I heard you're engaged
to some kind of prince?

Yeah! I'm engaged.

Frederick and I are registered at Tiffany,

Build-a-Bear,
and Sky Zone Trampoline Park.

It's just that we're already married.

So you being engaged is weird, right?

Like, almost as weird as me being
the wife in one prison family

and the baby in another prison family,
oh, goo-goo ga-ga, Daddy!

[Richard imitates baby crying]

So when I want a divorce, it's like,

"Oh, no, I don't want Richard to be happy
because I'm still in love with him.

He's like the white half of Drake."

-But now you want a divorce--
-That's not even why I'm here.

My lawyers are taking care
of our "marriage"!

Good luck with that,
because this is Mike Pence country!

To quote the Indiana state quarter,

"A woman is bound to her husband
as long as he liveth!"

And I'm alive, dammit.

Could a dead man dance like this?

That's a little something for Team Coco.

Now MJ!
[yells]

Innocent!

[thuds]

Oh, no!

Jeepers, that sounded fatal!

Whose book is this?
I know there's another girl! Where is she?

There's no other girl.

It's "girls," plural.

You dumdum.

[coughs, gags]

But where are they?

Guess you'll never know.

Now go get married, you crazy kid!

We're gonna need
some trash bags and a shovel

in the visitors room, please.

That doesn't seem
like the right ending, does it?

Who are you, me at Chipotle?

Because you made some bad choices
that affect everyone.

We didn't even get to see Kimmy's dress!

Which was going to be
a disaster either way.

That girl wearing white?
It's tone-on-tone.

I think someone, not moy,

needs to go back
and fix this sitch, bitch!

Copyright Titus,
a division of Titus AndromeCo.

[reel rewinding]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Come on, Kimmy. You come all this way.

Let's be sociable.

Or has New York changed you?

Are you all like, "Oh, it's because
of the water that the bagels are so good"?

-I'm not like that!
-Prove it!

Where did you get that...

thing I've never even seen before, ever?

-What is that? Like, something you eat?
-It's a book, Vete Pedófilo Blanco.

And I think you know who it belongs to!

[laughs]

Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy...

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Maybe I want to wear it out... Kimmy.

You think you're so smart, don't you?

But you're just a dumb country girl

with your cardboard shoes
and your cheap wig.

[Richard scoffs]

Well, guess what.

I've never even been to West Virginia.

West Virginia.
Is that where the school is?

Wait. What? No. What? Dang it. What?

All right, look here, Sister Kimmy.

This is all just a game to me.

I let the police find my Indiana bunker.

I mean, the one and only bunker.

The only bunker, obviously.
You misheard me!

-There's another bunker?
-You're another bunker!

Oh, my golly. Cyndee was right!
There is another girl!

Well, "girls," plural, dumdum.

God, Richard, shut up.

Where is the bunker?
How much food do they have?

How many girls are there?

I've got to get to West Virginia!

[sighs]

You have me seated with Buckley?

Ding-dong! Who's ready to party
like it's ?

Oh, no! ? I'm down there again!

He's cheating at Clue!

I got bad news for you, kiddo.

Kimmy had to blow town,
so there is no bachelorette party.

Crackers!

I was so jazzed to hit the town
and try to find the next Mr. Pokorny.

Because my dad died!

You know, ladies,
nobody's throwing me a stag night.

My best mate Fiona
doesn't arrive until tomorrow

because of a previously scheduled
hysterectomy, so, um...

Well, I could be your bachelorette.

I did have a pretty wild night planned.

And I get a VIP pass
to every club in the city!

And I let Lillian plan the party
because she threatened me with her hammer.

Ooh! Joy of joys! Yes! Camaraderie!

Yeah.

Great party, "Kimmy's mom, I think."

Looks like Frederick's having a good time.

The whole world's a party
when you never worked a day in your life.

Oh, do you not like him?

I mean, it does worry me
that he's not American.

I mean, is he just here to take jobs
from our princes?

Royals are all secretly broke.

How do we know he's not just in it
for her money?

For Kimmy's sake, we got to see
if this guy's on the up and up.

But how?

♪ North Korea is a paradise
Of food and computers ♪

-[laughs]
-[applauds]

We just pick a sexy song,

and then one of us gets up there
and shakes all her moneymakers at him.

It's a classic honeypot.

But which one of us should karaoke at him?

I mean, I'm Cyndee, and you're Lillian.

Yeah, but I'm Lillian, and you're Cyndee.

I'll do it... for Red.

Is this the only song you got in English?

Forget about it. I'll make it work.

♪ Yes, we have no bananas ♪

♪ We have no bananas today ♪

♪ We have string beans and onions
And cabbages and scallions ♪

♪ And all kinds of fruit, and say ♪

♪ But, yes, we have no bananas ♪

♪ We have no bananas today ♪

[moans]

[both gasp]

Fibbits, what have I done?

Lillian, I'm sorry, I didn't...

I'm not fumfering, per se.
I just... Sorry!

Sorry! Oh!

Oh, Kimmy.

He went for it! I'm so mad!

But also flat-out jazzed
that I was part of a plan!

[grumbles]

[quirky music]

What kind of broke-ass airport is this?

Where's the Chili's To Go,

or the Asian restaurant
with an all-black staff?

Sorry, but this is the only town
in West Virginia

with a Louis Gossett, Jr. Junior High.

Frackwater.

That's miles away. What am I, a car?

You were a car in Transformers .

GLAAD and the NAACP issued
a rare joint statement,

calling my performance,
quote, "upsetting."

I'm ordering an Uber.

[cell phone beeps]

Mamadou is completing a trip
in Little Rock, Arkansas.

He'll arrive in , minutes.

-Why are you turning that way, Mamadou?
-That's so many minutes.

I think we should walk to town.

We are looking for a silver Mazda.

-Titus, we have feet for a reason.
-Diabetes containers.

And you hate waiting more than anything.
I remember--

Is it my turn to talk yet?
God, I hate waiting.

Fine, we can walk.

Even though these shoes
were custom-made by Kanye

for hiding upstairs
while they taped The Kardashians.

Pep-step it, Titus! The clock is ticking.

We've got to find that junior high.

Maybe the librarian can tell us
who checked out that book.

School has been out for hours.

We go there now,
the only thing we're gonna find

is genius janitors solving math problems.

You need to feed and water your Tituses.

-[scoffs]
-[cell phone vibrating]

What is it, Jorkeline?

[Jacqueline] You know how you told me
to get you out of that action movie?

Well, good news. I didn't.

Judas! Because you're a traitor,

not because I'm jealous
you got to kiss Jesus.

Titus, you cannot drop out of a movie
the week it starts sh**ting.

They built a whole Ukrainian village
to blow up.

You'd swear you were in Karabulut.

Do you know what this will do
to your reputation if you bail?

Give it a sexy, bad boy edge?

[Jacqueline] You'll be unhireable.

You'll have to go back
to making those stupid karaoke videos.

In exchange for octopus!

I'll have to fire you as a client,
you'll have a downward spiral,

then I'll get a book deal
to tell my side of the story.

I don't want to write a book, Titus.
Don't do this to me.

-Jacqueline, I'm not coming--
-[Jacqueline] I'm on set right now.

I'll stall as long as I can.
Just get here.

Excuse me.

Yes, how can I help you?

We just need Titus for a makeup test.

Absolutely not.

Titus is not coming out of his trailer

until this situation
has been taken care of.

Ah, I wasn't aware there was a problem.
What's wrong?

I'll tell you exactly what's wrong.

Titus is upset about...

[slurping]

[slurping continues]

Whatever is going on
in the wardrobe department.

What's going on with--

We've been waiting
for Titus's pants for hours.

Copy that. I'll take care of it.

Can I get wardrobe on two, please?

I'll just be in here with Titus.
[chuckles]

[thuds]

-[Titus] Are we there yet?
-[train horn honking]

I'm going to go into that bar
and ask some fellow citizens

if they know anything
about any missing girls.

Uh-uh.

These aren't fellow citizens.
These are folks.

They're not gonna cotton
to some big-city sophisticate,

and his pasty sidekick.

Big city? Titus, I'm from Indiana.

You're from Mississippi. We got this!

Who got this?

[upbeat music]

[background chatter]

[music stops]

Can I help you, strangers?

Say! Do you mind if I tickle
your listening holes a mite?

Some girls gone missing
last big old bunch of years ago!

Go and get Benjy dressed
and bring him down to the kitchen

where he won't wake them boys.

It's cold this morning!

Maybe you two should keep
moving on down the road.

[scoffs]

No wonder Hillary didn't even bother
coming to towns like this.

We have to get them to talk to us.

That's it!

We may not have a lot in common
with these filthy hill creatures,

but no one doesn't love music!

Yeah! It's a universal language.

Just like how everybody knows this...

means, "Do you want to get
a milkshake with me?"

[clears throat]

My golden voice will soothe
these savage beasts.

Yeah, but what will you sing
for this crowd?

"Free Bird"!

-I know that song!
-You do?

I have a deep library, Kimmy.

I better warm up.

[vocalizing]

"Leave lard daddy's basement stings."

You know "Free Bird"?
A song that guy wants to hear?

Of course, I know "Free Bird."
I'm from Mississippi.

All four years of high school English
was the poetry of Lynyrd Skynyrd.

You heard the people. "Free Bird"!

"Free Bird."

This one's for you, girl.

["Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing]

♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪

♪ Would you still remember me? ♪

♪ For I must be traveling on now ♪

[woman cheers]

♪ There's just too many places
I got to see ♪

Yeah!

♪ But if I stay here with you, girl ♪

[bar patrons cheering]

♪ Things just couldn't be the same ♪

♪ Because I'm free as a bird now ♪

♪ And this bird you cannot change ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Because this bird you cannot change ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Lord help me, I can't change ♪

[guitar playing]

♪ Fly, fly, fly, fly, free bird ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Fly, fly, fly, free bird ♪

♪ Fly, fly, free bird ♪

♪ Play that guitar ♪

♪ And just you hear guitar ♪

♪ But there's drums ♪

♪ That's not a guitar ♪

♪ Free bird ♪

[bar patrons applauding]

How about a couple beers on the house?

Actually, I'm famished.

And I'd love to ask you folks
some questions.

Is that okay?

I guess that's question number one.

[laughs]

Anyone recognize this guy?

It would have been a while ago.
He was probably wearing a different shirt.

I seen that face.

Where? When? Think back!

It must have been two, three hours ago.
He shaved the beard, though.

You saw him today?

Yeah, I work over at the Kroger's,

and that man traded me a whole mess
of cigarettes for tampons and beans.

He escaped from prison?

He... he got beans?

Did you see which way he went?

Well, he asked me, "What's the shortest
way to Peabody Falls?"

Peabody Falls. Where is that?

About miles west as the crow walks.

I'm telling you, there is something wrong
with the crows around here!

Can anyone here sell us their car?

This watch was a gift
from Hello Kitty herself.

The whole cat face is diamonds!

Well, she ain't fast,
but she'll get you where you need to go.

And I sure could use that money
for opioids and such.

It's an epidemic.

Come on, Titus!

Well, I haven't ordered yet.

And they've got squirrel.
It's the scrod of the mountains!

[thrilling music]

How did the Reverend get out of prison?

I saw him yesterday!

He is super sneaky,
and he has a white belt in karate.

[Kimmy] So either it was some sneaky plan
or karate!

Hm?

-[officer] All good, Sandy?
-[radio beeps]

Yep, everything is secure in here.

Okay, prisoner friend, I'll be back
to visit you next week, like I always do.

He's lucky to have a friend like you.
Cool jumpsuit!

Hey, thank you!
Look how nonchalant I'm being.

Not at all chalant.

[chuckles]

It doesn't matter
how he escaped from prison.

He's definitely headed to the bunker
if he's got tampons and beans.

We've gotta rescue those beans.

I mean, beans.

Whoa!

Kimmy, I care about you. I love you!

And I'll do whatever it takes
to rescue those beans!

What the hell?

Kimmy can't even show up to the rehearsal
for her wedding to a freaking prince?

She doesn't deserve to be with him.
Oh, God, now I'm picturing them together!

Ew, Kimmy, stop smiling so much!

Lillian! Why are we here?

Didn't you call Kimmy?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners? I love you.

Listen, I just can't be the one
to break it to her.

I already accidentally told her
about /.

Nine-eleven? What's that?

But if they were all Saudis,
why did we invade Iraq?

Well...

But when I went into the bunker,
solar power was going--

Hey!

Look what the cat dragged in.

Are we still doing this?

Or did you tell Kimmy
what happened twixt our mouths?

Oh, just imagining the look
on her goony face, I couldn't do it.

This is your mess, Freddy!
You gotta tell her.

I know.

Do you think
a different accent would help?

English just sounds so awful
because it's what Nazis have in films.

I could do it in American, bro.
She's going to straight-up dump me.

Bazinga! No.

And my nanny Fiona flew
all the way from England for this.

Some caviar and those
little purple potatoes with cream.

Hold up. That's your nanny?

Mm-hm.

She was to be my best ma'am.

Oh, hello! There's my good boy.

But I'm not a good boy. I'm the opposite.

I'm a bad girl!

You know, maybe don't tell Kimmy
about our mouth stuff just yet.

I think maybe you're all mixed up

because I remind you of the only person
whoever gave a rat's ass about you.

The only person... Well, that's not true.

What's your relationship like
with your mother?

We've met on several occasions.

How many girlfriends have you had?

-Including Kimmy?
-Yeah.

One.

Kimmy's much more experienced than me.

Oh, jeez!

I just don't know
what to tell you, Freddy.

You're in no condition to marry anybody.

You're like a little boy.

But that's exactly why I want
to get married, Lillian.

I want a wife and a family
and a salad spinner. I just...

I want to be normal.
Please, Lillian, help me.

I will do anything
to be good enough for Kimmy.

Then you need
some life experience, pronto!

You got two options.

Either you let me cram it into you,

or you see if you can get it
from your nanny over there.

Jumpy Bumpy, out of the way.
Grab the cow, steal his hay.

If the farmer comes about,
Jumpy Bumpy, wiggle and shout.

And I decide...

Fix me, Lillian.

Like a broken-hearted
little Humpty Dumpty,

scoop up my yoke
and tape my shell back together,

and make me
a happy little normal, eggy boy.

For Kimmy's sake,
I'm going to make a man out of you.

We're going to need a hotel room.

A hotel room? My word.

Yeah!

Are we not doing the rehearsal?

I came to Midtown for this!

I'm putting a curse on all of you.

[quirky music]

[snoring]

[engine stops]

-I'm not asleep!
-Why am I awake?

It's : in the damn morning!

That's when Mark Wahlbergs wake up!

[clatters]

-Come on!
-Dang it, we're out of gas!

Double dang it!
There's no reception out here!

That's it. We're walking.

[upbeat music]

Titus Andromedon is not supposed to die
on a mountain like a bored white person.

He's supposed to be choked to death
at the Met Gala!

What in the moose is that juice?

It's aliens.

You can probe whatever,
just drop me off back in New York!

[Kimmy] Hello?

-Hello?
-[Titus] Um...

Hello, Mr. Alien, sir?

You're here for Festeroo?

Okay, make the sale, Junior.
You're a sales panther.

Oh, I didn't see you there.

-What did the Fyre Festival do wrong?
-Everything.

The brochure said
you get to swim with pigs.

But you didn't meet a pig!
Well, not anymore.

[pig snorts]

I knew if I had my own music festival...

Well, and also, my dad's like,
"Fine, I'll pay for it! Just go away!"

Then blammo! Festeroo!

-Can you tell us--
-Not great, to be honest.

Insane Clown Posse said they'd headline,
but they just stole my car.

Festeroo started three days ago,
and no one even showed up,

which is bad, because I brought dr*gs
for a thousand.

I can't even remember
what I'm on right now.

We're in a hurry.
We need to get to Peabody Falls.

So can we borrow a couple
of your stupid adult tricycles?

For sure. Right after I eat your faces!

Bath salts. I'm on bath salts.

-No!
-[grunts]

-Stop it!
-No can do, dragon!

Animals!

Titus, get the bikes!

Worst spring break ever!

Mr. Andromedon? It's wardrobe.

Good one, Titus.

Black people are always doing that.

Oh, you found the pants.

I'm so pleased.

No, we didn't, actually,

but there was some leftover fabric
down at the warehouse,

so I drove there,
stayed up all night sewing,

and if I could get these on him
for one final fitting...

Look, the last thing I want to do
is drag this out, believe me.

-But I can't let you go in there.
-What? Why?

Why? Oh, my God.

What is your name?

Jenny.

Jenny...

what am I going to do with you?

Something nice? I don't...

Lookit, we both know
this isn't about the pants, Jenny.

It's not?

Titus feels unsafe around you.

I haven't met him.

So he should trust a stranger?
Why are you being so weird right now?

I'm so confused.

I haven't slept.

Okay, you can run your little games,
if that's what they all love about you,

but I don't care what she thinks.

We need to make this right,
or they will tell everyone.

-What? It's too many pronouns. I--
-Let me help you.

Start by writing a letter of apology.
Be specific, okay?

Titus will respect your honesty.

Oh, I don't want you to get fired,

because I'm basically
your only friend here at this point.

But I'm really close with Jess.

Oh, my God, honey, he or she hates you.

What?

We're gonna get through this. I love you.

And make sure the letter is typed
because he can't read cursive.

I don't have access to a printer.

Rooting for you!

[Titus] I'm so hungry.

All my puns are failing.

I'm Tuba Gooding, Jr. Is that something?

No, Titus, it's nothing, I'm sorry.

But we have to keep going.

Why do these chocolates I stole
from the alien taste like mushrooms?

Why are you a cartoon right now?

Oh, boy.

Titus, I think those chocolates
may have been a drug joint!

I don't think so, dragons.

Oh...

There's a table full of food.

♪ What a day ♪

♪ Fortune smiled and came my way ♪

♪ Bringing love I never thought I'd see ♪

♪ I'm so lucky to be me ♪

[groans]

I'm living my best life.

Titus, get up!

You're having a drug hallucination!

You want some pasta salad?

No! I...

Titus, look! There's a gas station!

No!

Buying or robbing?

-Buying! Buying!
-Buying!

Well, what do you know? Come on in.

Sir, we're trying to get to Peabody Falls.

Can you show me where it is
on this West Virginia quarter?

-I don't have a map.
-Gas station jerky?

Bingo.

You're in Peabody Falls.

But where's the town?

Town? No!

Peabody Falls belongs to the coal company.

Eight hundred square miles
of 'sploded mountains and slurry lakes,

times the size of Disney World.

To put that in perspective, I'm
one-millionth the size of Disney World.

-What? No.
-Am so.

The Reverend is hours ahead of us.

And now we don't even know
where we're going.

Wait.

That dude was just in here
trying to buy gasoline with handjobs.

He got a full t*nk of gas,
I gave him a rose, then he left.

You saw him?
Were there any girls in his van?

No, but I bet he could get
a slop-jar full of them.

Dude's a white ten.

-Which way was he going?
-That a-ways.

Titus, we gotta go.

-But I found Gatorade!
-Just leave the money on the counter.

I gotta scoot home and move
my court-ordered ankle monitor around,

so the cops think I'm there.

The Reverend was here.
We've still got time!

-[baby coos]
-[both gasp]

[engine revving]

Did he just leave his kid here?

Don't touch it!
Or the mother won't take it back.

So, what are we going to do?

We can't take the baby
on the stupid bikes.

-Girl, you can't take a baby, period.
-So, what you're just gonna leave it here?

Listen, if a baby can live alone
inside a woman for nine months,

it will be fine here for an hour.

[Kimmy] Holy ship, with a P!

Okay, we'll just wait here
until he gets back,

and then we'll use our tricycles
to catch the Reverend's van.

-[grunts]
-[thwacks]

Believe me, I'm fine not tricycling.

But if you want to catch the Reverend
and give him what for, et cetera,

we gotta go!

-[exasperated sigh]
-[baby blabbers]

Fudge, fudge, fudge!

Can it, baby! I'm thinking!

-[baby wails]
-I can't do it. I can't leave Sharon.

I named her Sharon.

Wait a minute. Hanging out with a baby?

That's family time.
That's on the damn Marky Mark schedule.

[sniffs, grunts]

I think Sharon sugared her fudging diaper.
Throw me something to clean her up with.

If I gotta do all this work...

I will be compensated.

Ooh!

These might as well be a clown in a sewer,
because they are It.

[sneezes]

[Kimmy singing] ♪ The wheels on the bus
Go round and round, round and round ♪

Girl, you're giving that child
unrealistic expectations of buses.

♪ The guy off his meds
Is yelling about God ♪

♪ Alphabetizing coupons... ♪

Well, good news.

Closed all my windows
and put the monitor on a raccoon,

so I am good for a while.

Come on, Titus, let's move!

Oh! Thanks for watching Sharon.

No way! I was right!

Want to play with daddy's lighter?

Slow down!

You know what? I don't mean
to make a joke, but you're a prince.

-[Frederick chuckles]
-Where have you been?

Not everywhere, ever,
but from last night until now!

I was at the hotel, fixing the prince.

And I fixed him good.

You got a lot of living
to make up for, kiddo.

-Are we really doing this?
-Yep!

You missed a lifetime of lame girlfriends

who don't hold a candle to Kimmy Schmidt,

and I'm going to introduce you
to all them.

You were, like, so mean to me.

What? When?

In a past life. We were fish.

How could you forget
our seven-week anniversary?

-[Lillian grunts]
-[glass shatters]

Why am I paying to send
your ex-boyfriend to rehab?

Because if he wasn't in there,
he'd k*ll you.

What?

Oh, Jesus! That's a real g*n?

J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!

That last one
was from personal experience.

So, you two didn't have C-E-C,

T-C-H-S?

-What?
-Cyndee, are you okay?

Sex!

No, all I did was show him
what he isn't missing

and that pretty much everyone
other than Kimmy is just the worst.

-Now I'm ready to get married.
-Yeah, he is.

I have somewhere to go tomorrow!
[giggles]

[lively music]

Which way do we go?

Do you see any tire tracks
or a bunker hatch or girlses?

Which way? How do we choose?

Maybe you can help us.

-What are you doing?
-I don't know, I ate dr*gs.

Come on, Kimmy. Figure it out!

Why did the Reverend bother
breaking out in the first place?

We have no chance
of finding anything out here.

He must think I know something
that could lead me to the girls.

-You did find that weird book.
-That's it.

-Titus, you're a genius!
-I know.

Why didn't I read this book?

No.

I got to the bunker first, you morons!

Now I'm taking these girls to Florida,
where everything's legal!

You lose!
[whoops]

No, not Florida!

All right, I wouldn't
have got that right, either.

You had to read the book?
What's fun about that?

Me, I would have kissed Frederick.
"Ga-ga-ga-gooey!"

I don't have a type.

Here's the good news-- you did
the right thing watching that baby,

so you don't got to go
all the way back to the beginning.

Bad news is I just broke the fourth wall,
and now I got to fix it.

Classic Mikey.

[grunts]

[thumps]

[reel rewinding]

Yes! These are it!

I look like a sexy Chuck Schumer.

Redundant.

What's wrong with it?

It's a baby.

Make it stop.

[baby wailing]

And scene, baby.

There must be something she can play with.

Oh, maybe I'll read to her.

Nerd. Better idea.

I will read this baby,

because it is a diva
and needs to hear some hard truths.

Come on, babies love to be read to.

I can still remember my mom reading
the Camel Cash catalog to me.

"Smoke in the shower
with our patented cigarette laminator"!

I think you should let Titus do
whatever he wants,

because this bachelorette party is awful.

Well, guess what, Larry Insults.

You're better at burns than I am.
But I'm better at calming babies.

"The Mystery of the Mysterious Spy.

Chapter One: Paris,
the city of France... and mysteries!

The heat reveals a secret message
written in lemon juice.

Be careful, the spy is fake."

That's why the spy was so mysterious!

Oh!

You're still here. Good news.

Put the ankle monitor on my other baby
and gave him a Monster Energy drink,

so I'm good for a while.

Titus, let's go!

And stop leaving babies alone.

Don't you dad-shame me.

I'm trying to have it all--
a career, family, and hepatitis.

Hey, where's my pea sh**t?

Which way do we go this time?

Why did I say "this time"?

Past lives. We were fish.

Lemon juice.

You can write secret messages
in lemon juice.

They do that in the book.

Girl, I'm only in this book club
to drink wine.

The girl who checked out this book

must have been trying to do
the things she read about.

She must have tried to write
a secret message with her scurvy lemon,

but the Reverend caught her
and tooken the book away.

We need to heat the paper up!

If you need heat,

I think these gas station cheaters
are just magnifying glasses.

Perfect! But what page is it on?

[playful music]

This one tastes like lemon.

[Kimmy] Oh, my gosh, it's working!

"The last thing I saw outside was..."

It's a drawing.

-But of what?
-Mikey's penis.

But how did she know?

No, it's not a wee-wee.

It's a map!

Come on! There's still time!

[thrilling music]

Indiana plates!

-It's empty!
-What about the beans?

Motherfudger.

Jurassic Park rules!
If I don't move, you can't see me!

[Richard] Free hat!

Now running?

[scoffs]

[Jacqueline] Oh, Jenny.

This is even worse. You're getting colder.

Just tell me what to apologize for,
and I'll do it!

You know I can't do that.
Also, this font is r*cist.

My God, if Titus won't put the pants on,
I'm going to lose my job.

And I can't lose my job,
not after the year I've had.

Because it had been one for the books,
let me tell you.

Uh-huh.

You don't even want to know.

I mean, it has been epic!

Are you gonna ask me about...
about my year?

Come on, we've all had bad years.

For most of , I lived in Murray Hill.

-Where?
-Exactly.

Be right back, Titus!

Look, if you get fired
over this Titus thing, you'll be fine.

You're so talented.

Those pants you made overnight
look just like the originals.

What do you mean, "the originals"?

When did you see the original pants?

You said they were never delivered.

Oh, my God, tell me about your year.
Was it crazy? You're so pretty.

You lied about the pants. You're covering.

Is Titus even in there?

What? Titus?

Jesus. What's really going on with him?

Botched Botox?

He got drunk and flew his blimp
into a school bus?

He slipped a disc
trying auto-erotic asphyxiation?

Yeah, I've seen it all.
I worked with Tom Hanks.

Ms. White, the director's cocaine
is wearing off. We need Titus.

Yeah, well, good luck with that
because he's not in there.

What? What do you mean?

Titus isn't in his trailer.

[indistinct clamoring]

Who are you?

I'm the reason we're all here.

Okay.

You'll never catch me
because I'm so fast because of karate!

-Where are they?
-Karate run! Karate run!

[Titus] Oh, God.

How did Forrest Gump do this
for three years?

Oh, right. That body of his.

Not now, dr*gs. My friend needs me.

Maybe it's real this time.

It's just one of those woodland banquets
you read about, right, no one?

Kimmy.

Scrod.

Kimmy!

Spaghetti-O's mold!

[groans]
Kimmy, you keep running that way,

and I'll run in the opposite direction...

around the world so we can surround him!

♪ ...Just the way I'd hope you'd be ♪

♪ I'm so lucky... ♪

I can definitely tell it's dirt this time.

I don't care.

I think I'm developing a taste for it.

Okay, where is he?

Well, I don't know where he is.

I've been stalling, trying to save his job
and my commission.

But the truth is
Titus was never in his trailer.

And I guess he's not coming.

So, you lied to us.

Yes, I lied, okay? I'm sorry.

But everyone in Hollywood told us
we have to believe women all the time now.

If you lied...

that means other women probably lie, too.

No, no, that's not what it means.

And that means Time's Up
is over, everybody.

Women lie, so we can go back
to doing whatever we want!

No! My mistakes are only mine!

[upbeat music]

♪ I love booze in California ♪

♪ Sun in California ♪

♪ Sky in California ♪

♪ And my bro in California ♪

♪ I love bikes in California ♪

♪ Working out in California ♪

♪ But the boobs in California
Are the greatest boobs around ♪

Hey, wardrobe girl, you're fired!

Men don't need pants anymore!

What have you done, you monster?

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Calm down. You're being hysterical.

[screams]

You won't ever catch me!
Dogs are faster than cats!

Whoo-hoo! Kara--
[grunts]

[groans]

Help me, Sister Kimmy.

Come on!
[yells]

Where are those girls?

[pants]

I can't find them.

I've been looking all day,
and I can't find the hatch.

[Richard] It's the wilderness, Kimmy.
[scoffs]

It's vast!

What do you mean, you can't find them?

Well, I thought I had marked
the spot pretty good,

but I haven't been here in five years
because I've been in jail!

So, that's on you.

No, you can't just forget
where you put them!

They're not CD cases, they're people!

Well, they're probably
dead people, all right?

They're probably dead
because you jailed me.

That's the problem
with you white ladies-- you're selfish.

You want "your" justice,
no matter who else it hurts.

-That's not--
-But when a guy messes up

and wants to turn it around
and do the "right thing,"

oh, it's like, "No way, Louis CK."

That's sexism.
So, here's what we're going to do.

You're going to carry me back to the van,
we're going to drive to the hospital,

and our cover story is going to be
"camping trip sex accident."

Who knows you're here?

What? No one. I'm not stupid.
[scoffs]

I've been tagging all my Instagrams
"Vegas Pool Party."

So, we're all alone,
and no one even knows you're here?

Okay, uh, let's not do anything foolish.

Easy now, princess. Do you even know
how to handle that thing safely?

-[g*n fires]
-[bird cawing]

No.

Whatever you're thinking, don't do it.

What are you thinking, Kimmy?

All right, now, that's enough.

"Let me just hold it until you calm down."
That's what she said.

-[g*n fires]
-[Richard] Whoa!

Okay, okay, let's just maybe
just take a second here, okay?

Just a second.

Oh, my God, a wolf!

[grunts]

Dang it!

All right, Kimmy, come on, now!

You're not gonna k*ll me.
You won't even divorce me!

I mean, admit it.

We have a thing for each other.

-[g*n firing]
-[grunts]

[tense music]

[exhales sharply]

Girls!

Girls? Girls?

Girls!

Well, we met, believe it or not,
when Lillian was helping me prepare

for my own wedding.

To someone else.

But when my fiancée wandered off
into the wilds of West Virginia...

Yeah, I know you're not from here,
but there is no "West" Virginia.

[chuckles]

It was a very difficult time,
but Lillian was there for me.

Well, you looked so sad and lost,
like a puppy...

a puppy with his own castle.

And, as it so often does,
pity eventually turned into love.

And now, here we are.

Oh, and Lillian has a plan for everyone
ahead of me in line for the throne.

I do.

-[hysterical laughter]
-Oh!

-Yeah.
-It's going to be good.

[reel rewinding]

What are you thinking, Kimmy?

All right, now, that's enough.

"Let me just hold it until you calm down."
That's what she said.

Let's just maybe just take
a second here, okay?

Oh, my God, a wolf!

[grunts]

Dang it!

How does this feel?

Scary.

Why did you do all those things to us?

Because I could.

And now you're gonna
do the same to me. I get it.

That's the way of the world.

You win. I get it.

No!

That's not the world I want to live in.

If I k*ll you,
then I'm no better than you.

And I am better.

Oh, thank Christ.

That's my girl.

Now, just carry me back to the van
before it gets dark, huh?

No, you're going to walk.

Where are you going? No, no, no.

Hey, the road's that way. Hello?

I need a big piece of wood
to make you a splint,

like in the book
when your horse hurts its leg.

Yeah. No, I know.

Dynamite book, by the way, but I'm good.

You don't need to hurt a tree.
I'll just crawl.

[creaks]

[thuds]

[thumps]

[Richard] Shit.

Okay, I will admit it. Yes, I lied.

But to be fair,
this is a scary time for men.

[Kimmy grunts]

[foreboding music]

[uplifting music]

It's here! It's all still here!

[uplifting music]

[news report theme music]

In entertainment news,
today author Kimberly Schmidt says "I do"

to fiancé Prince Frederick of England,

and "RIP" to ex-husband-
slash-kidnapper-slash-total Sagittarius

Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,
who was kicked to death in prison.

Say what?

For NBC News, I'm George Georgiulio.

Yay!

[lively music]

Okay, I wasn't worried about that dress.
That is fierce!

We are gathered here today
to join in matrimony,

from the Latin, mater, for "mother," FYI,

Kimmy and Frederick,
who is, like, a legit prince.

Unbelievable.

Oh!

I'm so happy for my frontwalker.
That's what backpacks call people.

I know who you are. You ruined Time's Up.

You're the reason that my boss
has gone back to calling me "Supertits"!

Why, though?

I'm doing a daily worldwide apology
on my Instagram.

I don't blame her for being mad at you.

Yesterday, the president
just straight-up peed on a lady.

[coughs]

God, why did you eat all that dirt?
It's ruined your singing voice.

Because it was foods, Jacqueline.
Ask worms if dirt is food.

Smile, you two. So you screwed up.

[scoffs]

You make better choices next time,
am I right?

You kissed the groom?

Do you, Kimberly Cougar Schmidt,

and you, Frederick Henry
Eurythmics Windsor,

feel like hanging out
for the rest of your life?

[both] Fudge, yeah!

Then, by the power vested in me
by HauntedTempleWitchcraft.org,

I now pronounce you
an equal team of two humans.

[applauds]

Yay!

This was a fascinating transition!

Whoa! So close!

I think that could have ended better
for Jacqueline and Titus.

At least Kimmy's happy.
But she's always happy.

I think there's something wrong with her.

Me, I just got that cat parasite
that makes you want to buy more cats.

Anyway, A-minus.

Congrats! You're going to Cornell!

And I'm going to the cat store.

♪ Pinot noir ♪

♪ Caviar, Myanmar, Mid-sized car ♪

♪ You don't have to be popular
Find out who your true friends are ♪

♪ Pinot noir ♪
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