02x28 - Trouble sh**t

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x28 - Trouble sh**t

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

Coming up..

what's got Sal so confused?

- What the what?

- Ha-ha-ha!

(male narrator)

Why is Murr being

such a mama's boy?

Is there a Mrs. Murray

in the store?

(male narrator)

And why is tonight's big loser

documenting his own demise?



Today, we're shopping

for great deals at

Lot-Less Closeouts.

But what's our deal?

Well, we have to do

and say whatever

the other guys tell us to.

If you refuse to do or say

any of it, you lose.

And nobody likes to lose.



Sal, start shopping out of

people's hands.

Whatever they grab

is the thing you wanted.

'The lady with the denim shirt.'

Oh, I thought you were

putting it down.

- No, no, no.

- Ha-ha-ha!

Sal, everything she picks,

you want, every one.


And just keep holding them.

This one looks nice.


Keep going. Do it again.


I just was looking, like,

at this one here.

Thank you. Thank you.


She's onto you.

Take the hat off her head.



'She's holding on.

She won't let go!'

I was just looking at it.

- This one.

- 'She's gone!'


She did the old tap on the


- Wow.

- Murr?

Sal, stand right near those

cookie-jar things.

Get somebody's attention

and go, "hey, hey, hey."

Hey, excuse me.


Now slowly push the cookie jar

off the shelf and wink at her.


Now slowly push another one.

Hey, hey.


Sal, push one more cookie jar

off and blame the guy

right in front of you.

- Hey.

- Push the cookie jar.


'Now blame him. Blame him!'

This guy just

pushed a cookie jar.

H-he pushed it, not me.

That guy right there pushed it.

Everybody saw it.


'Oh, he gave you

a stink-eye, man.'


Alright, Murr, load your

arms up with shampoo.

And, uh-oh, buddy,

you got a sneeze coming.

'But you can't cover

your own mouth with'

stuff in your hands, buddy.

So, you got to borrow

somebody's hand to sneeze into.

- That's impossible.

- It's not impossible.

- 'Nothing's impossible.'

- 'I've seen you do worse.'

Can you give me

a hand for a sec?

I'm gonna sneeze. Put your hand

out. Put your hand out.

I don't want to sneeze


Just put your hand out

real quick.

I'm gonna sneeze.

Put your hand out.

'He's gonna bite you.

What is he doing?'

Put your hand out.

Hold the paper open.


Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- 'Was that a shopping list?'

- 'A shopping list!'


Red cap.

If I steal stuff,

you got my back.

Psst. "If I steal stuff,

you got my back?"


Guy code, man.


Now, Murr, go steal something

in front of him.

[clears throat]



'Keep going.

Keep stealing stuff.'



'Ask him if he needs anything.'

'While I'm shopping, do you want

me to get you anything?'

Do you want me

to get you anything?

'Cause you and I are a team.

- Me?

- Me?

- Us.

- Us!

You're in this deep, man.

It's too late to turn back.


Murr, stand right there.

Go, "mommy?"

'Go, go, go, "mommy?"'


- 'Turn. "mommy."'

- Mommy?

You look like a crazy person.

My mother.

- Mom.

- Mom.

I can't find her.


She's Mom Murray.

She's Mom Murray.


- Ma?

- You look nuts, you idiot.

My God! He's !

Grab her hand! Grab her hand!


Go pick out

the girliest blouse.

'Good. Now put it on.'


Oh, no.

Now get people's opinions,


What do you think, champ?



sh**t me straight.

What do you think, buddy?

- Go for it.

- Go for it?


Mixed reviews.

- 'This woman right here.'

- Excuse me.

Do fries come with that



'She's standing there,

waiting for it.'

Enjoy your day.



- Joe?

- Mm-hmm.

I got a crazy idea.

I want you to lurk

in the side aisle,

and when I say, "go," I

want you to sh**t across

the aisle as fast as possible.

Wait for the g*n

and just sh**t out?


'You just wait

till I tell you. Go!'

Coffee mugs.


- Go!

- Shampoos!


- Go!

- Candles.


- Go! Go, go, go!

- Can openers.


- 'Keep going. Keep going.'

- 'Go!'

Hard candies.


Alright, Joe.

Grab a snack.

- Got it?

- Chocolate-covered pretzels.

And now leave a trail.

Leave a food trail

right down the aisle.


'Yeah, a whole trail

down the aisle.'


- Joe, what's the trail for?

- Sorry.

It's just so my fat son

can find me later.


Michael, I'm in candles!


Michael, I'm moving over

to shampoos.


Over to flatware now, Mikey.

Michael, I'm in housewares.

(male narrator)

Q bought himself a loss.

So, he's first

on the loser board.

We're teaming up to teach


how to close a deal over lunch.

But the catch is,

our presentations

have been made

by the other team.

At the end of the seminar,

we'll ask the attendees

to raise their hands if they've

learned something valuable.

Whichever team has the fewest

hands raised loses.

- Power lunch.

- Power lunch.

- Lot of business.

- Lot of business going on..


So, thank you for coming

to our little seminar here

about how to deal with people

over a business meal.

we found there was a real

need for this sort of

education in the business world.

Everyone's been to a bad

business lunch.

Not everyone has necessarily

been to a good one.

- What?

- He's such an idiot.

- Okay, so, let's get started.

- 'You two are gonna lose.'

We are taking this one home

today, boys.


Here we go.

So.. Oh, my God.


[theme music]

- Okay, so, let's get started.

- 'You two are gonna lose.'

We are taking this one home

today, boys.

- Yeah!

- "Power tricks.."

"How to exert confidence

and leadership in simple ways."

So, here's a few ways

to do that..

"Order the most expensive thing

then send it back."

- Do it again.

- So, let's..

You want to just?

We'll do a little play-acting.

I'm here for the

lobster fra diavolo.

Fra diavolo!

So, I'll take

lobster fra diavolo.

Here's your

lobster fra diavolo, sir.

Not good enough. I'm not happy

with the fra diavolo.

Send it back.

It goes back again.

You're showing yourself

in a power position.

[Murr and Sal laugh]

Even if that fra diavolo looks


Sir, I have your--

Sir, I'll go find another

establishment to eat at

if this fra diavolo

is not to my liking.

Get this fra diavolo right.

No, they won't be annoyed.

Sir, the fra diavolo

The fra diavolo is not to my

liking. Back to the kitchen.

'The whole thing about the

fra diavolo being right'

is not either here nor there.

The fra diavolo

is the fra diavolo.


Then, the last step

you're gonna want to do is

this is the fra diavolo?

- That's the--

- I'll take a Caesar salad.

You can't spit in a salad.

[Murr and Sal laugh]

Fra diavolo.

That's great. Okay.

Okay, this is an

acceptability of farts

as comparison to the amount

of people in the room.

The more people

that are in the room

there's more people

to blame it on.


The more you can fart,

because then you can be like

"This guy," right?

If you're in a meeting with

just you and I, you know

and I cr*ck a rat..

Cracked a rat?

You're gonna know it's me

'cause there's only two people.

But if there's people

in the room

and I cr*ck a rat, you

don't know if it's me cracking

that rat or

Omar cracking that rat.


Have you ever been in a meeting

and somebody's cracked a rat?

I don't know who did it.

We're just looking at each other

like, "Something smells."

Somebody's cracked a rat.

Yes, that's right.


"When eating a broad."


Little space there between..

- Be generous. Definitely.

- 'Be generous.'

Um, you want to make sure

that there's enough

to go around

for everybody.

You know, if there is a spread

of appetizers or anything,

you want to make sure that

everybody's getting a piece.

Wash your hands.

You don't want to be eating

abroad with dirty hands.



And then be punctual.

It's important to come on time.

- Yep.

- Yeah.

You definitely don't

want to come first.

'Cause then you're sitting

there by yourself.

So, you just want to try to..

And you don't want to come


because then everybody's

waiting around for you.

You're just trying to

come on time.


How many people here

think that they actually

learned something

of value today?

Just show of hands.

Did anybody learn

anything of value?

Two, two, three.

You learned something of

value, yeah?

- Oh, no.

- Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.


You all deal with sales

in some capacity

or clients

in some capacity.

We're going to teach you

how to close a deal

over a business lunch.

Let's begin.


Okay. Now have a move to

accentuate your point.

Show them your moves, boys.

What I would try to do

is show my disdain

in a lighter fashion.

So, I would actually use..

I'm not sure I agree with you.

[Joe and Q laugh]

Well, there are moves that

are supposed to be assertive

but not confrontational.

Someone says, "We're not gonna

"be able to close the merger.

"Third-quarter sales are down.

What have you?"

I'd be like, "What the what?"

[Joe and Q laugh]

Let's move on.

[Joe and Q laugh]

An easy tip calculator.

A lot of phones

have it as an app now,

by the way, and it

automatically calculates it.

But the calculation going on

in the background

is this formula.

Just get the app,

and you'll be fine.

But now, we'll solve the..

[Joe and Q laugh]

So, the easy tip calculator

that we've generated is here.

Sal, you want to explain?

[Joe and Q laugh]

Sal, help him, man.

What are you doing?

N here, this will represent

the country's tax, right?

Look like it's not

making any sense.

Okay, is gonna

remain a constant

but you want to get

rid of the denominator.

So, you're gonna multiply..

Look at the look.

Look at him.


This is gonna equal .'

And of course you want to

square-root it.

So, the square root of and

is something around .

This is over . . Now, we know

we want to inverse that.

You divide.

So, you're gonna move two

decimal places over.

So, the . .

This is gonna end up

being on a $ bill

roughly a $ tip, or %.

[Joe and Q laugh]

That wraps up our seminar.

And what we'd like to do,

to help us

improve our presentation,

can we ask you

by a show of hands,

how many of you feel

you've learned something

valuable here today?

- Alright, that's %.

- Oh, man.

I can't believe this.


Hot dog!

(male narrator)

Looks like Joe and Q will be

lunching on the loser board.

Let's face it.

We are no runners.

Speak for yourself.

We're at Jack Rabbit's

sports helping customers

find some sneakers.

While working the sales

floor, we'll have to do and

say what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say

anything, you lose!

This is Joker vs. Joker


Long hair versus



Yeah, you better run!

(male narrator)

It's Q and Murr in the

Joker vs. Joker challenge.

Look at this

'tween girl's legs.

I'm in a running store. I'm

gonna wear my running shorts.

They look like twigs

with shoes.


- Hi.

- Hi. How are you, sir?

- James.

- Peter.

Peter, nice to meet you.

Give me a little background

as to your running experience.

I've been running now for

a long time. Probably..

Yawn. Yawn in his face.

I could do four miles,

five miles.

Excuse me.

Um, so, I need

something that's gonna..


You know, my hips.


- Excuse me.

- Am I boring you?

No, no, no.

It's the midday blues.


Okay, come on up here.

Alright, I'm going to track

the gait of your running, okay?

And afterward,

we'll watch the video

and I will show you

what I see. That's great.

See, we're just tracking

the gait of your running.

Alright, Murr,

you got that little

foot camera down by his feet?

- 'Yeah, the foot-cam.'

- 'Right.'


'There you go, my friend.'


And just grab that video camera

and hold it up to his ass.


'Zoom in right now,

right up to his ass.'



'There you go.

Right there. Hold it.'

Murr, let's analyze.

Stop it and play back

the tape to him.

Okay, good, good, good.

Let's take a look.


And the legs are jogging.

'See, you're working it..'

[Jokers laughter]

And here..

[laughter continues]

Nice glutes.

- I guess.

- Let me ask you something.

Do you mind if I take

a copy of this home?


Do you mind..

...if I take

a copy of this video

home with me today?


That's kind of weird, no?


Tell me what's happening.

What are you looking for?

- What's your background?

- Before we get started..

- Before we get started..

- Nice ponytail, cupcake.



- Nice.

- Somebody's got to say it.

Tell me what's happening.

What are you looking for?

- What's your background?

- Before we get started..

- Before we get started..

- Nice ponytail, cupcake.



- Nice.

- Somebody's got to say it.

I'm at a loss!


Okay, what size are you?

- / .

- / .

Q looks like a villain

from an ' 's movie.

- Yeah, a kung fu movie.

- / .

- Golden.

- Booya!

- Those are the ones.

- Did you try on socks?

- Yeah.

- I'll get you some socks.

Hey, one more thing, buddy.

Hey, one other thing, buddy.

- You want weed?

- Ha-ha-ha!



- You-you want weed?

- I'm good.

You're good?

These are what I'm wearing

right now.

- Those feel good?

- Yeah.

You want to try them out on

the treadmill?

- Yeah, I'd like to.

- Okay, great.

Yeah! Alright.

Start, like, at three.

How's that sound?

- Nice and easy.

- Yeah, I can handle that.

- Great.

- Hop on the treadmill.

Get on with him.

Get on with him.

- Get on with him!

- Get on with him!


'Oh, my god! Oh, my god!'

He knocked over the camera!

- I don't know what happened.

- 'You idiot!'

Your fat feet

couldn't run fast enough!

[ laughter ]

Alright, alright.


(male narrator)

Q had a good run

but he's still

tonight's big loser.

- Q is this week's loser!

- Yes!

And for your punishment,

we're gonna send you out

and about for

a little video scavenger hunt.

The thing is,

Q's right arm

is in a cast

and he can't move it at all.

It doesn't move.

You're gonna have to go out


and film whatever we tell you to

until we tell you to stop.

I hate you.


We love you!

This is horrible.

You're like a teapot

with a video camera.

You're short and stout.

So, you got that down.

Oh, if we could only get a clear

sh*t of a man's left nipple.

Oh, come on.

Oh, wait! There's one.

- Oh, come on.

- 'Yep.'

It's a manual zoom,

meaning use your feet.

I have no way to defend


- Get over there!

- Oh, I can't. That's crazy.

Q, just go in and get it.

Come on!

I have no way to defend

myself, like if somebody

takes a swing at me.

Oh, if we could only

get a clear sh*t

of a man's left nipple.

Oh, come on.

Oh, wait! There's one.

- Oh, come on.

- 'Yep.'

- He's doing it.

- Oh, my God.

- He's getting the sh*t.

- Q, get this guy's beans.

- Which beans?

- My testers.

- Which testers?

- Chick peas.

Your garbanzos?




I'm just getting those beans.



He just called me lobster man.


Hey, Q, there's a guy there

with huge headphones.

See him?

The guy staring at me like he

wants to k*ll me?

- That's him.

- Okay.

Let's get a sh*t of his left


I'm gonna have to

lift the headphones.

- You got it. Good, good.

- 'Okay, okay.'

- He's smart. You're so smart.

- Okay.

- Alright, alright.

- 'He's going in now.'

- 'You got go do it, man.'

- Oh, god. Alright.

Hey, um.. This..

- Can I just..

- Oh, yeah!

Yep. I got it. I got it.

- I got it.

- 'Alright, man.'

We're gonna get a little


We're gonna want the inside

of a porta-potty.


'We need degrees, like'

'door shut, inside

of the porta-potty.'

It stinks from here.

You're complaining

about having just to

stand in the porta-potty?

I dug through [bleep] twice.

No, no, you dug..

Yeah, you did dig through

[bleep] twice.

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, my god,

it's [bleep] leaking.

- I got no time for this.

- What are you gonna do, Joe?

- No, no, no, get away from me.

- You're like a bad dog.

- Get away from me.

- You can't run.

Get away from me!

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

No, no, please don't do this.

- Oh, my God.

- What are you filming?

- What does it look like?

- Aah!

It's [bleep] floating in water.

- Oh, my God.

- He's going in.

He's going in.

He's going in.





'Sal's coming out to say hey.'

What, what is this?

We need you to film the

inside of the fountain.

- Okay, of course.

- Just go and get in there.

This is our version of


You're a stupid [bleep]

Alright, buddy, get in there.

- And there you go.

- 'Aw..'

'Yeah, right in there!'


Get the sh*t! Commit to it!

- 'Yeah, there it is!'

- 'Oh, my God!'

His once-a-year

cleaning is done.
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