01x04 - Mom's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


I am such a happy person. Oh, gertrude, honey, don't be nervous.


Mama's gonna feed you. Yeah.


Let's see.


It says, "extra-crispy powdered bugs


With a side of flies."


Well, all right, then. Eat and get strong.


[ Telephone rings ]


Wait a minute.


Hello?


What? I win?


Just for saying "hello"? Child, what I win?


No, dear, I do not need two free dance lessons.


You happen to be talking to a very hip black woman.


Oh, that's okay.


Why don't you try one of those white ladies


In beverly hills?


Uh-huh. Yeah.


Child, child, you sound just like a colored girl, too.


[ Laughs ]


Aah, ooh, wait a minute.


Oh, gertrude. Gertrude, wait.


Speak to me. Speak to me, honey.


Please, don't play dead man's float, please, honey.


Come to me.


Well, you went fast, but you sure went clean.


[ Knocking on door ]


Hi, the name's rita menguez,


And if you give me three minutes,


I'll make you beautiful for life.


Honey, that's already been taken care of.


A free gift for you on your birthday,


Courtesy of me and cleavage cosmetics.


Just one moment, dear. It is not my birthday.


Oh, yes, it is. We keep records, see?


Right here.


Today is margaret kanisky's birthday.


Oh, no, not today.


Do you know what's funny? You don't look polish.


Look, I am not margaret kanisky.


Mrs. Kanisky passed away six months ago.


Oh. Then she probably doesn't need any perfume.


I'll tell you what --


Best wishes on becoming the new mrs. Kanisky.


Oh, no, honey, I am not the new mrs. Kanisky.


Chief kanisky never remarried.


Oh, then I've got just the thing for him.


It's called "up for grabs," and it's me.


I have just the thing for you.


Oh, yeah?


It's called "fresh air."


Try it.


Oh, now, wait a minute.


I don't have time to hassle with you, lady, so get lost.


You picked a fine day to croak.


It's margaret's birthday,


And the chief is gonna need a lot of cheering up.


Well, at least you'll have a burial at sea.


[ Toilet flushes ]


Redemption, lord.


[ Car approaches ]


Oh.


Chiefleave me alone, lady. I don't want any.


And stop spraying me with that junk.


But it's our top product.


It smells great, and it removes unsightly ear hair.


Hairy ears? That's disgusting, lady.


Come on. Beat it.


Hi.


Damn saleswoman.


That's it.


Tomorrow, I'm gonna get a dog with rabies.


Welcome home, chief. I'm so glad to see you.


Why? Is it payday?


No.


You're a real fun guy to have around.


What's with this damn pillow?


I fluffed it.


I hate fluffy.


What are all those marks on the wall?


Oh, don't worry about 'em. I'll get 'em down.


Samantha's been bouncing her ball


Against that wall again, hasn't she?


I told her , times not to do that.



Chief, if you don't calm down, a little old man


Is gonna come in here and try to get you to drink sanka.


I swear I'm gonna sell this lousy house.


We should have got out of here months ago.


It's not the house, chief.


I think you're upset because it's margaret's birthday.


No, that's not it.


It's because of that dumb saleslady


And because this house is full of wall marks


And fluffy pillows


And because I hate flowers.


They make the place look like a funeral parlor.


[ Sighs ]


I'm sorry, nell.


I'm sorry, too, chief.


I just can't deal with...


Margaret's birthday.


I think about those kids,


See their beautiful little faces,


And I just want to put my arms around them


And protect them from all this.


Chief... What are you gonna do?


We got to get our minds off margaret,


And she's all over the place.


So I'm gonna take you and the kids out to eat.


Ooh, great.


And we're not gonna talk about margaret. No.


We're not gonna even think about her. No.


So, come on. Where do you want to go?


Oh, honey, I know a terrific french restaurant.


Nah, margaret loved french food.


Well, how about japanese?


Margaret hated japanese.


Mexican?


I don't remember what margaret thought about mexican.


Believe me, she could take it or leave it.


Perfect.


Where are you going now?


I've got to shave my ears.


Hey, that water's awfully dirty.


Why don't you clean that out once in a while?


Chief, it's cleaner than you think.


Isn't this a fantastic place?


Katie?


I mean, really, chief, we couldn't ask for more.


Thank you.


[ "Mexican hat dance" plays ]


Nell, I think he wants you to dance.


No, no, no.


He's trying to k*ll something on his hat.


Come on, nell.


Yeah, nell, do it.


Okay.


I'll see if I can get something shaking south of my border.


Hey!


Yes, thank you, thank you. Thank you.


I've never seen anything like it.


They loved me.


Buenos noches. Buenos noches. I am your toreador raoul.


Hello, raoul.


Would you like something to drink? Yeah.


May I suggest the specialty of the house --


A margarita?


Oh, is it wet? Yes.


Drown me in it.


Yeah, me too.


Only make sure it's a clean glass, huh?


Last time, there was salt all over it.


A thousand apologies, señor. It will not happen again.


And give the girls some cokes, huh,


And some of that chip dip.


Are you referring to guacamole, señor?


Yeah, that's it -- that green glop.


May I just say it's a pleasure serving such an aficionado?


Merci.


Daddy, I'm starved.


Can we please order the food now?


Sure. Why not? Raoul?


Raoul?


I would like to order now, huh?


Give us five number combinations.


Wait a minute, dad. We want to order our own food.


Yeah. Right.


All right. Go ahead.


Well, I want to ask a question first.


Raoul, what are albóndigas?


Albóndigas are meatballs.


I'll have them with a bowl of spaghetti.


Uh, we'll have five number s, please.


Yeah, but forget the refried beans, huh?


Why?


I don't like stuff they don't get right the first time.


Let me see.


That is five combinations,


Two margaritas -- one in a clean glass --


Hold the refried beans,


And a bunch of green glop, right?


Oui.


Magnifico.


Hey, julie, what's that?



Salsa. It's delicious.


Yeah?


Nell, be careful. That stuff's pretty hot.


Miss katie, you happen to be talking to a lady


Who puts hot sauce on her froot loops, honey.


I can handle hot food.


It tastes kind of...


[ Breathing heavily ]


Ooh, oh, aah!


Stand back. I'll give you a suntan.


This will put a hickey on your heart.


Chief, one burp,


And I could burn the hair in your ears.


You know, dad, this was a great idea.


Oh, it's my pleasure, sweetheart.


♪ Happy birthday to you


♪ Happy birthday to you


♪ Happy birthday, dear mother


♪ Happy birthday to you


[ Applause ]


[ Nell humming "mexican hat dance" ]


Wow, chief.


I got to hand it to you. That was some terrific evening.


We really had a great time. Didn't we, girls?


[ Sighs ]


You know what I've been meaning to tell you?


That tie you're wearing -- I think it's great.


I mean it's kind of...


♪ Wild, kind of chiefy


Margaret bought it for me. Oh.


I was thinking of hanging myself with it.


What? And spoil a terrific evening?


How about some ice cream to top the night off?


Who's for ice cream?


Come on, katie.


I got your favorite flavor -- jamocha almond fudge.


I don't want any.


Oh.


Well, julie, let's look at tv, girl.


You know, tonight, I hear that on "that's incredible!"


Orson welles is gonna taste some wine before its time.


[ Tv turns on ]


Forget it, nell.


[ Tv turns off ]


Samantha... Please don't do that, huh?


Why?


Because if you don't stop, darling,


You're gonna do all your sitting down standing up.


Why did you make us go to that stupid restaurant?


Because I wanted us to get our minds off things.


I wanted to show us a good time.


It was a rotten idea.


How are we supposed to have a good time today?


It's mom's birthday, and she's dead.


I wish this day were over.


Hey, come on. Look on the bright side.


It can't get any worse.


What happened to gertrude?


Here, go play ball with your sister.


Nell, I want to see gertrude.


You can't, honey.


Why not?


She's mating.


Nell, she is the only fish in there.


What does she know? She's just a fish.


Let the kids see the fish.


She is gone. Where is gertrude?


Oh, she just stepped out, honey.


I think she had a hot date with a snail.


She's dead, isn't she?


Yes. She's dead.


That's just perfect.


And on mom's birthday, too.


Are you happy now?


What did I do? I didn't k*ll the dumb fish.


Well, if you hadn't have bought her,


She wouldn't be dead.


Look.


The fish is gone.


I know it's hard to face facts like that sometimes,


But fish die every day.


I know. I'm a cop.


I mean, you just have to try


And take the things that upset you


And sweep them under the rug.


You swept gertrude under the rug?


No, no, no, no.


What I mean is, you have to just try


And forget about the things that bother you sometimes.


Hold it, chief.


Look, we've been trying to do that all day,


And, obviously, it's not working.


What do you mean?


Maybe we shouldn't try to forget margaret.


She's all over this place, chief.


Look.


Margaret painted this picture.


Margaret papered these shelves.


In little ways, she's just all around here.


Look here. Here's margaret's gifts.



Here's margaret's looks.


Margaret's smile.


Margaret's cooking.


Chief, she left a lot of love around here.


It's her birthday.


Why don't we try to do something to remember her?


But it makes me feel too sad.


Oh, sam, baby, there's nothing wrong with feeling sad.


Feel sad, if you want to.


Everybody can't be happy hours of the day.


Richard simmons can.


I know. Shut up, julie.


I know what, chief.


You know all those home movies you have?


Why don't you get them out?


No. No. The last thing we need is old movies.


Dad, I want to see mom again.


I'll get the projector.


I'll get some doughnuts.


You're not gonna show those films in this house.


Oh, come on, chief. Relax. You just might enjoy it.


Yeah, daddy, stick around.


All right, you can watch 'em, but without me.


And don't come begging me for help


To put up that dumb screen.


Well, you know, I don't exactly need you.


I can do it all by myself.


Huh.


I've got the screen.


White people don't make nothing right.


Have to show them who's boss around here.


[ Groaning ]


Okay. I've got doughnuts here.


I've got milk.


Okay, baby, hit the lights.


Got 'em.


Sweetheart...


I think that'll work better on a flat surface,


And this ain't it.


Move it over.


Sorry about that.


Quick, baby.


Who is that?


It's you, dummy.


Yeah, but where's my hair? I'm bald.


Yeah. We didn't know which end of you to diaper.


Ooh, look what you did on dad's shirt.


Sam, you really were a little squirt.


This is embarrassing.


There's mom.


She sure was pretty.


She was beautiful.


[ Laughter ]


[ Gasps ] look at daddy's hair.


Yeah, he's got some.


And it's black.


Nellyeah.


You know, it didn't turn gray till after I moved in here?


Look, there's julie.


She's gonna slide down the slide.


Katieno, she's not.


Come on, julie, baby. You can do it.


Come on down.


Samcome on. What are you afraid of?


Maybe she didn't have panties on.


Shh.


Oh, I'm sorry I tinkled on you, daddy.


What's going on?


Nelluh-oh.


[ Laughter ]


You sure thought smooching was funny.


Yeah, but now she's on the other side of the bench.


Be quiet, baldy.


What happened? Is it nighttime?


No, I forgot to remove the lens cap.


You know, dad, you never could get that kite to fly.


[ Gasps ] daddy, yuck.


Nellhe stepped in some recycled alpo.


It sure isn't easy being a father.


Yes, it is, baby.


All you need is a rubber shirt and a pooper scooper.


Julieit's somebody's birthday.


Whose birthday is it?


Is it my birthday?


It was your mom's.


Wow. Mom's birthday.


I didn't know that was on here.


♪ Happy birthday to you ♪


♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ happy birthday to you ♪


♪ Happy birthday, dear mama


♪ Happy birthday to you


Wait a minute. I'll be right back.


Where are you going?


I'm gonna get our wedding album.


I never showed you the pictures we took on our honeymoon.


Hey, great. Super. Terrific.


Well, you kids aren't in those pictures.


In those days, honeymoons came first, then kids.