01x16 - Sam's Affair

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Aw, cheer up, sam. It could have been worse.


Scotty, I struck out in the ninth inning


With the score tied and the bases loaded.


What can be worse than that?


Sliding into second base


When you have to go to the bathroom.


Hi, scotty. Hi, baby.


Hi, nell. Samhi, nell.


How'd your game go?


I took a called third strike to end the game.


Oh, the umpire's one of our teachers. The man is blind.


Oh, come on.


No, really.


Yesterday he erased the whole entire blackboard


With a ham sandwich.


Look, I got to run out


And pick up a few things at the market.


Your grandfather's coming over tonight.


Where's grandma?


Oh, she went to church to play bingo.


Doesn't grandpa go with her?


No, honey, he's so hard of hearing,


Every time they say "bingo," he gets up to answer the door.


Oh, look -- if o.j. Simpson calls,


Tell him I found his other sock.


Ha!


You want to hang out a little? We could watch some tv.


Sure, but just for a little while.


What's on?


Uh, here's a monster movie.


[ Screaming, croaking ]


Oh, I've seen this before. It's called "on golden blob."


The man has the face of a fly and the body of orson welles.


[ Screaming, g*nf*re ]


Oh, wow, the blob just squished that car.


Yeah.


Now the army tries to k*ll him with a flamethrower,


But he thinks it's mexican food.


[ Screaming ]


Oh, here's the best part.


He's gonna squish that school!


[ Crashing ]


[ Laughs ]


All right! Yes!


[ Soft music playing ]


[ Coughs ]


Oh, no.


Here it comes.


The lady scientist meets the man scientist.


He's standing over her.


[ Sighs ]


She looks up from the microscope.


And they kiss.


Oh, gross.


Yuck!


I can't stand it.


Oh, me, neither.


Why do they always ruin a good monster movie


With all that mushy stuff?


I'll never understand what the big deal is about kissing.


My dad says I'll understand when I'm older,


But that just means he hopes I'll forget.


It seems to me god made lips for just one thing --


To keep bugs off your teeth.


Have you ever kissed anybody?


Oh, sure.


My relatives are really big on that stuff.


And, boy, are they sloppy.


My aunt martha kisses like a saint bernard.


Want to try it?


Try what?


You know...


[ Voice cracks ] kissing.


No.


Do you? I asked you first.


You scared?


What would I be scared of?


I mean, kissing with you wouldn't be like kissing a girl.


You're the one who's scared.


I am not scared.


You go first, and I'll go after you.


It, uh -- it takes both of us.


Well, okay.



But we got to get something straight first.


If you tell anyone, I will punch your lights out.


What do we do with our noses?


I don't know.


Is that what sex is all about?


So, what'd you think?


I think I cut my lip on your braces.


Hi, you guys. What's going on?


Nothing! Nothing!


Hey, what have you guys been up to?


Nothing.


I've seen that look at parties,


Just before "post office" and right after "spin the bottle."


Look -- we hardly kissed.


Sam, you're turning red.


I just got a sunburn from the tv.


♪ Sam and scotty...


♪ Sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g ♪


♪ First comes love, then comes marriage ♪


♪ Then comes sam with a baby carriage ♪


Cut it out, julie!


Boy, I thought my sisters were creeps.


Hey, don't worry.


I'll put krazy glue in their lip gloss.


You didn't do anything bad, did you?


We didn't do anything.


We didn't!


Cut it out, you jerks.


Look who's here, everybody.


Who?


Hello, grandpa!


Hi, grandpa, how are you?!


You don't have to yell anymore.


I got a brand-new hearing aid.


Everything comes in clear as a bell.


Yeah? That's great, pop. What kind is it?


About half past .


Let me take your coat.


Hi, chief. Hi, grandpa.


Hi, nell.


I was just getting some stuff for your dinner.


Stuff? What stuff?


The stuff you're allowed to eat --


Cream of wheat and buttermilk.


I was hoping for a pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of suds.


Remember what the doctor said, pop.


Yeah, I know, but he's dead, and I'm still alive.


Hi, grandpa.


Well, how's my darling little samantha, huh?


Okay.


Something the matter, honey?


Oh, she's just angry 'cause we were teasing her.


About what?


Fooling around with scotty sherman.


What?!


We were not.


You should have seen them -- all alone in the house,


Sitting on the couch.


I suspect kissy face.


Shut up, julie,


Or else I'll tell everyone about the kleenex in your bra.


Kissy face?! On the couch?!


We weren't doing anything.


You start out by kissing a boy,


First thing you know, you'll end up pregnant.


What?


Chief, will you lighten up?


Leave me alone, will you?


Don't you start that stuff, samantha.


Remember -- you're still my baby.


Baby? Who's having a baby?


Well, it seems congratulations are in order.


Uh, who's the lucky guy?


Don't you remember?


Hello? Mr. Sherman?


This is samantha kanisky.


May I please speak to scotty?


Scotty, can you talk?


Yeah, sure.


Well...


You know, about what we did this afternoon.


Yeah?


You better ask for a raise in your allowance.


Why's that?


I think you're gonna be a father.


Whatcha doing?


I'm in hawaii, lying under the palm trees.


Oh, honey, give me that big spoon, please.


Thank you.


Nell. Hmm?


What's this?


Oh, that's your grandfather's health drink.


I put some figs, some prunes, some bran flakes,


Some carrots -- the carrots were my idea.


He's gonna need good eyesight to find a bathroom.


Can I ask you something?


Sure, honey, what is it?


When a woman's gonna have a baby, how can she tell?


Well, one sure sign is when she starts eating for two.


Oh, honey, give me the potholder.



Nell, can a woman have a baby even if she's not married?


Sure, but there's a special word for it.


It's usually reserved


For someone who cuts you off on the freeway.


Listen -- why all these questions?


Has kermit the frog put a move on miss piggy?


No. I was just curious.


Well, samantha, just remember --


When it comes to sex, curiosity k*lled the cat...


And a lot of rabbits.


Look, baby -- I don't have time to talk.


I got a duck in the oven.


Small world, isn't it?


Studying for your test tomorrow?


Oh, well, I don't want to bother you if you're busy.


I appreciate that, samantha.


For someone who's trying not to bother me,


You're doing a lousy job.


Julie, you know all about sex, right?


Sam, I really have to study.


Couldn't this wait --


Like, at least until you hit puberty?


What's that?


That's the wonderful time


When nature takes over your whole body


And turns it into silly putty.


Come on, julie. Tell me, will you?


All right, I'll give you


The julie kanisky crash course in human sexuality,


But then I've really got to study.


Now, what did you want to know?


Tell me about babies.


They're small people.


No.


I mean, where do they come from?


From the mother, silly.


Can you imagine dad in a maternity dress?


Well, how do mothers get babies?


Well, that's easy. From the male spermatozoa.


You mean there's only one man?


And he's italian?


Let me make this as simple as possible, sam.


You start with an egg.


You mean like from a hen?


No, not a chicken egg. This is a people egg.


Mom sat on an egg?


Where does the man come in?


He fertilizes the egg.


That's not funny, julie.


If you don't want to tell me, just say so.


Thanks for the game, carl. You're getting better.


Pop, what do you say I run you home, huh?


Oh, I don't think so, carl. It's awfully late.


What do you say you run me home?


I must have left my keys upstairs.


Samantha, say good night to grandpa and get ready for bed.


You got school tomorrow.


Yeah.


Oh, samantha, I must have dozed off.


Grandpa, you look so peaceful when you're napping.


Yeah. That's 'cause your grandma's not here.


Whenever I nap at home,


She always sticks a mirror under my nose,


See if I'm still breathing.


Grandpa...


Did anyone ever tell you the facts of life?


As a matter of fact, yes, but I appreciate your offer.


No, I mean could you tell me about it?


About what?


Sex.


Well, that's going back a ways.


Well, I remember that nice girls didn't...


But ginger polaski did.


But how does it work?


Ginger polaski worked real fine.


No.


I mean how does sex work?


Well, let's see.


You have the birds and the bees and the flowers and...


Well, the bees go to the flowers.


Oh, I forget what the birds do.


I guess they sat on the bees.


But I want to know how you get babies.


Oh, babies.


Wonder what's keeping your father.


Now, look, samantha,


I went through all this with your dad.


Now, why can't you learn all this the way he did --


In the gutter?


Why won't anybody tell me anything?


Why won't anybody ever give me a straight answer?


Well, you're a kanisky woman, all right.


Got that same temper and moodiness.


There was a time I'd just say hello to your grandma,


And she'd burst into tears.


When was that?


When she was pregnant.


I'll never understand women.


I wonder if I'm too old to turn gay.


[ Cries ]



[ Crying continues ]


Samantha?


Baby, are you okay? Samantha?


Samantha?


I want my mommy!


Oh, honey. Shh, shh.


What's wrong? Come on. You can tell me. Come on.


What's wrong?


[ Sobs ]


I'm pregnant.


Uh...


How can you be pregnant?


You mean you don't know, either?


Oh, no, no, honey, no.


I know, I mean, but...


Tell me what happened.


Well, this afternoon...


Scotty wanted to do it.


So we did.


[ Sobs ]


Did what?


We...did sex.


Oh, lord, come here.


Okay. What happened?


It was so yucky -- all teeth and lips.


It was like eating liver for lunch.


Baby, exactly what did you and scotty do?


We kissed.


Yeah?


On the lips.


Uh-huh.


And that's the whole filthy story.


I guess I'm just another bimbo.


[ Laughing ] wait.


Let me get this straight.


All you and scotty did was kiss?


Right.


And now I'm gonna have a baby.


I think I just felt it kick.


Shh.


No, baby, that was that duck I cooked for dinner.


Honey, listen.


You can't get pregnant just from a kiss.


You can't?


Nope.


But daddy said if you kiss a boy, you end up pregnant.


Baby, your daddy has a way of exaggerating for effect.


What does that mean?


He's full of...stuffing.


You mean -- what you're trying to say --


You mean I'm not gonna have a baby?


No, not for a long time, I imagine.


What a relief.


Nell, why didn't you tell me before?


Wait a minute.


But I was worried sick. I called scotty.


I'm sorry. I should have paid more attention to you.


But I asked everybody.


I asked katie and julie and grandpa and all --


Just a minute! Okay!


Now, people are like that when it comes to sex.


They get uptight. They try to avoid the subject.


It's hard for grown-ups to tell the truth to a little kid.


Nell...


Will you tell me the truth?


Please?


You bet I will. Come on.


Honey, you know, making a baby starts with a kiss.


But it doesn't stop there. There's much more to it.


Uh, have a seat. I'll be right back.


Samantha, what I'm about to tell you


May sound a little strange,


But when it's done in the right way,


It's the nicest thing that can happen between two people.


You mean like a double play?


Yeah, but better...


Much better.


Wow.


"Where did I come from?"


I saw this book before.


You did?


Mm-hmm.


Daddy told me it was a book on polish immigrants.


We're gonna have to start from scratch.


Samantha, I am about to tell you


Everything you ever wanted to know about sex


But your father was too chicken to tell you.


Lean up.


Okay, first of all, this book is about you.


Okay.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Hi, scotty. How you doing?


Fine.


Well, pretty tired, I guess.


I didn't get much sleep last night.


Yeah. There's a lot of that going around here, too.


Listen, sam, about what we talked about last night --


You know.


I wanted to do the right thing, but --


It's okay. You're off the hook.



What?


I'm not gonna have a baby.


Really? That's great!


You know, as it turns out,


Kissing doesn't make you pregnant at all.


Really? Well, uh, what does?


You wouldn't believe me if I told you.