09x13 - The Defiant Ones

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Hey, Weez. Did you see that?

Florence, what do you
think you're doing?

Looking at a man with
the widest part in his
hair I've ever seen.

I'm throwing this out on
my way to choir practice.

What? No, you ain't.
This is my memory box.

I got a lot of prized
possessions in here.

George, it's got to go.

You're storing so much stuff
in the closet, I don't have
room for my clothes.

Well, that's no problem.
Stop shopping.

Dream on, George.

Besides, you don't even
look at this stuff anyway.

We really don't have the
room for this anymore.

Okay, I'll tell you what I'll
do. I'll look through it,

I'll take out the stuff I
want over to the office,
then put it in the safe.

Oh, that's a
wonderful solution.

And if you have to take any
money out of the safe to
make room for it,

you can keep
that in my closet.

Dream on, Florence.

Hey, Weez, look,
remember this?

Our first night out on the
town. We went to the opening
of The King and I.

What a great show, huh?

He took you to see
The King and I?

Well, not exactly.

We couldn't afford
tickets, so we stood
outside the theater,

and he took a picture
of the opening.

Well, how did you know
it was a great show?

Because I took another
picture when the people
were coming out.

See 'em all smiling?

Oh, here's a picture of me
and you with our German
Shepherd, Weez.

We never had a
German Shepherd.

Oh, that's Florence!

Oh, easy mistake.

Oh, look, Mrs. Jefferson,
here's a picture of you eating
a chocolate ice cream cone.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You're kissing Mr. Jefferson
on the forehead.

Easy mistake.

Well, I'd love to stay here
and relive these golden
memories of yesterday with you

but I gotta go
to choir practice.

Oh, yeah? With your
voice it could turn
into target practice.

You know, you oughta
practice for that new part in
the Spielberg movie yourself.

-What movie?
-Baldergeist.

Oh, George, look,
my engagement ring.

Oh, yeah, you could tell
I didn't have much money.

Oh, but I loved this
ring just the same.

Uh-oh.

This should bring
memories. This should
brings back good times.

Oh, what is it, George?

Oh, it doesn't
concern you, Weez.

-Can I have a look
at that, George?
-No!

Like you said, I'm
gonna take this down to
the office right now.

All of it? I mean, you don't
have to take it this minute.

But you said it's in the way,
so I'm gonna get rid of it.

-You know what I like
about you, Weez?
-What, George?

You don't push me
like most wives do.

Like most wives wanna
know every little
thing, but not you.

Most wives are
suspicious,
but not you.

And most husbands would show
that picture to their wives.

But not me.

Hey, that's Willis. We're
going to the hockey game.
I gotta get my coat.

-Ha, ha!
-Oh!

Oh, hi, come in.
TOM: Hi, Louise.

Hi, there. How you doing?

George will be
right out, Tom.

TOM: Oh.
What's in the
box, Louise?

Oh, just some mementos
that George has collected
over the years.

Oh, and you two were
sharing the memories, huh?

Most of them, but there
was a photograph he
wouldn't let me see.

He's being very
secretive about it.

Oh, well, Helen and I
have never had any secrets
from each other.

Oh, she knows
everything about me,

and I know everything
about her. Right, dear?

Right, Tom. We have
nothing to hide.

For example, if I wanted to,
Tom would let me go through
his wallet right now.

Wouldn't you, Tom?

Tom?

Did you say something, dear?

Well, Tom, I just wanna
prove a point. Let me
have your wallet.

Why certainly, my darling.
If you'll excuse me for one
moment, I'll be right back.

Here you are,
my angel.

Forget it, Tom.
It doesn't matter anymore.

Oh, but I want you to
know you can see it
anytime you want to.

Thanks so much, Tom.

Oh, no problem.

GEORGE: Hey, Willis.
Hi, Helen.

Oh hey, you ready
for the big game?
HELEN: Oh, hi there, George.

Yeah, we better hurry.
Bye, ladies.

Look, I gotta stop
by the office on
the way out.

Okay. Well, let's go
then. I'm really looking
forward to this game.

Oh yeah? What's your
pick for tonight?

Well, I thought I'd go
with a corn dog.

Why not?
I'm going with an idiot.

Well, Louise, looks like it's
just us girls tonight.

What would you
like to do?

Oh, I don't know,
Helen.

-Uh, do you want
some candy?
-Oh, I'd love some.

Uh, is something
wrong, Louise?

No, nothing's wrong.

Do you want
some more candy?

Thank you. I'm full.

Louise, that picture is still
bothering you, isn't it?

Yes.

I just can't understand
why he's locking it in
his office safe.

Oh, come on, Louise,
I'm sure it's nothing.

Let's get your mind off it.
Uh, would you like
to see a movie?

No.

Well, how about
some shopping?

Nah.

Well, what would
you like to do?

Break into
George's office.

Sounds like fun.

Then afterwards,
maybe we can grab
a bite to eat.

I'm serious, Helen.

Now, that picture is nagging
at me, and I've got to
get into that safe.

Oh, forget it, Louise.

No. I'm sure we
can pull it off.

Now, I know
technically it's
breaking and entering.

-But if we...
-Hold it.

Before you go on,
something you just
said bothers me.

What? Breaking
and entering?

No. "We".

Now, Helen.

Remember when we were
at that charity luncheon
last week,

and that creamed chicken
didn't agree with you?

Who gave you the quarter
for the ladies' room?

-You did.
-Right.

And when you were
all dressed up for
that big party,

and discovered you
had a run in your last
pair of stockings,

who gave you a pair
of her semi-sheers with
the reinforced toe?

You did.

Well, considering
all the things
I've done for you,

I'm just a little hurt
that you won't break
and enter with me.

But, Louise, breaking
and entering?

Oh, come on, Helen.

It's not as if
I'm asking you
to commit a crime.

I couldn't do it, Louise.
It's dishonest.

I wouldn't feel right.

I feel guilty when I buy
one and get one free.

Helen, it's not like
we're stealing anything.

Besides, it's my
husband's office.

Uh-uh. It's too risky.

Besides, doesn't George
have a burglar alarm?

Oh, no problem.
I know how to turn it off.

Ah, but he has a guard
dog, doesn't he?

k*ller? Don't worry.
He adores me.

Well, how do you expect
to get into the safe?

A piece of cake.

I know the
combination.

I don't know, Louise.

Helen, trust me.

What could possibly
go wrong?

"Trust me.

What could possibly
go wrong?" she says.

"It's a piece
of cake," she says.

Don't do this to
yourself, Helen.

You've been all over
this in the paddy wagon.

Please don't go
over it again.

"No problem," she says.

"I know the number
to turn off the alarm."

So, I missed one number.
It could happen to anybody.

And then the
guard dog?

Oh, now, wait a second.
I was right about k*ller.
He loves me.

Well, he didn't
love me.

I'm sorry about
your dress, Helen.

But we almost
got away with it.

At least I remembered
the combination.

Oh, and thank
goodness you did.

If you hadn't, the police
never would have caught us
with our hands in the safe.

Well, that was unfortunate.

No, Louise. I'll tell you
what was unfortunate

leaving your house without
any identification, so you
couldn't prove who you were.

That was unfortunate.

Oh, come on,
Helen, be reasonable.

How could you expect me
to bring an identification?

After all, we were
breaking and entering.

Say it louder, Louise.
Maybe they'll
give us the chair.

That's what
you want, isn't it?
To see me fry?

You know, Helen, you really
shouldn't have had that
second cup of coffee.

Oh!

Helen, you really
are a criminal!

Sorry, Louise.
I guess I'm just
a little bit edgy.

I think being
behind bars has
something to do with it.

Oh, that's okay, Helen.
I'm sure you'll
get used to it.

Louise, I'm gonna ask you
something very nicely.

Just like you asked me
to commit a felony.

Call George and
get us out of here.

Oh no, I can't.
Then he'll know
I don't trust him.

I'd rather die.

Well, okay, Louise.
I wouldn't want to put you
in an uncomfortable position.

Oh, thank you, Helen.

So, I'm sure you'll understand
when I say that I intend
to let you sit here and rot...

while I call my husband
to get me out of here.

Guard! Guard!

Oh, Helen,
please don't do that.
Then he'll tell George.

Remember that quarter
I loaned you?

I'll write you a check.

Guard!

Yeah, what is it?

I'd like to make my one
phone call now, please.

Oh, I guess it'll
be all right.

Uh, don't tell Tom
you're with me.
Make up something.

Oh, sure, Louise

I'll just tell him that I got
tired of hanging around, so I
blew up the Lincoln Tunnel.

Oh, uh, that was a joke.

She did it.

MAN: Hey, shut up, Mac!

GUARD: All right,
move along.

Go on, come on.

All right.

In you go, girls.
The honeymoon suite.

Oh, looks good, Sal.
GUARD: Uh-huh.

You painted it
since the last time
we were here.

Fast work.

Glad you like it, Crystal.

Hello there, I'm Louise
Jefferson and you are?

Shut up.

All right.

Well, I... I guess
you're in for
prostitution, huh?

No. We're
three of the Abscam Senators.

I tell you what.
I'll stand over there,

and you feel free to make
fun of me all you want.

Oh, look. You invited
the girls over for
a slumber party.

And here I am,
miles away from
my fuzzy slippers.

Did you get
a hold of Tom?

No. Madison Square Garden
put me on hold
and never came back.

You know, if I find out
that Tom didn't want
to lose his place

at the hot dog stand,
I'm going to k*ll him.

Oh, come on,
Helen, lighten up.

I mean, there is a funny
side on all this.

Oh, really?

Of course.
I mean like,

that woman over there
is wearing the same
dress you are.

Thanks, Louise.

I must admit I was feeling
low until you brought up
that cheery news.

You know, Helen,
it's as if I'm seeing you
for the first time.

Hmm.

Uh, Helen?

Helen?

Oh, come on, Helen, you're
having fun over there,
and I feel sort of lonely.

Say, how about letting
bygones be bygones?

What do you say, huh?

Hmm.

Uh, can I take that as a "no"?

The first bad thing
I've ever done, and
I end up in stir.

Oh, I can't take it.

I gotta get out of here.

The walls are
closing in on me.

MAN: Hey, I told you
to shut up, Mac!

I am not a Mac!
I'm a Macette!

Uh, I'd like to see my wife.
I am the George Jefferson
of Jefferson Cleaners.

Seven locations,
one near you.

My God, that's my husband.

There isn't a secret
tunnel around here,
is there?

Oh yeah, that's my
wife, officer.

Uh, hi, George.
How was the game?

Oh, Helen angel,
are you all right?

What are you
laughing at, Tom?

Helen, look over there.
That woman's wearing
the same dress as you are.

-Tom, this is no time for
jokes. Get me out of here.
-Oh, uh, Helen, I...

She's been very snippy
tonight for some reason.

Hey, Weez, could you come
down here so we can
chat for a minute?

Oh, what about?

About this.

Oh, George,
I'm so ashamed.

-I don't know what
came over me.
-Yeah, okay, okay.

Tom, while she's blubbering,
maybe you can find
some time to bail me out.

Oh, of course,
my sweetheart.

And while you're at it,
bail Weezy out for me.

Hey now, wait a minute, that
could take a lot of money.

Well, that makes us even.
I paid for your corn dogs.

Right.

Well, Weez, it looks like
you're in big trouble
this time, huh?

I know, George.

You know something?
It's a good thing
you're married to me

because if you were
married to somebody else,
I'd press charges.

Why did you want
this picture so bad?

Because you didn't
want to share it with me.

I guess I got jealous when
I realized that after all
these years,

you had memories that
don't include me.

Okay, Weez, if you want
it so bad, here it is.

Mmm.

No, George, I trust you.
I don't wanna see it.

Oh, you don't, huh?

Sure. You had me sent up
the river, and now
you don't wanna see it?

-Well, I wanna see it.
-Well, that's too bad because
it's for Weezy only.

Why don't you go over
there with your friend
and compare dresses?

Why you little...
dry cleaner!

No, George, I...
I really don't wanna
look at it. Take it back.

Well, since you insist.

George, this isn't you
and a girl. It's you
and your teddy bear.

Wait a minute.
How old were you here?

Eighteen.

Eighteen?

Yeah, Weez, that's why
I was hiding it in the safe.
I was too embarrassed.

Eighteen?
Boy, what a weirdo.

Shut up.

That was weird, George.

Why did you want
a picture taken
of your teddy bear?

Well, you see, our next
door neighbor had a fire

and their little girl's
doll got b*rned up,

so I gave her Pookie so
she wouldn't feel so bad.

Pookie?

Yeah. I had it for years.
That's the only thing I got
to remember him by.

Oh, that's
sweet, George.

I'm sorry
I didn't trust you,

but I guess I just
want all your memories
to be of me.

Well, all the best
ones are, Weez.

Oh, George.

Well, ladies,
you're free to go.

Well, goodbye, girls.
It's been real.

Oh, hey, Helen, give me
a call. We'll have lunch.

Um, Helen, I hope you don't
still hate me for all this.

Oh, hate you, Louise?
Don't be silly.

You're my best friend.

Oh, good.

It was quite an
adventure, wasn't it?

Don't push it, Louise.

Excuse me. Uh, excuse me.
Uh, look.

Some of my business cards.
I have seven locations.

You must have leaned
against one of them.

-Willis, where you been?
-George, this better
be important, I...

-Shh.
-Oh, I was right in
the middle of something.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you
and Helen still...

No, not that.

I was eating a
Boston cream pie.

Oh, I forgot. It's your
: a.m. feeding time.

Very funny, George.

But you know, actually,
there's something
aesthetically pleasing

about a Boston cream
pie by moonlight.

The ripple of the light
on the cream filling.

And then little by little,
you reach that
glorious moment

when the full moon reflects
off the empty pie tin.

In other words, you sucked
down a whole pie.

Well, yes, if you wanna
cheapen it.

Now what's all this about?

Look, I was talking to
the sergeant down
at the jail, right,

and he gave me Weezy
and Helen's mug sh*ts.
Take a look.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

What's wrong?

If I've told Helen
once, I've told her
a thousand times,

smile when somebody
takes your picture.

You know something, Willis,
I think your brain goes
down with the sun.

I was just thinking that we
should play a little practical
joke on our wives.

Well, that's not
a bad idea.

Why I haven't played
a practical joke
on Helen since...

-Well, since...
-Since you said "I do"?

Anyway,
this is the plan.

We're gonna go down to
the Help Center tonight,

and we're gonna put
these pictures on
the bulletin board.

And then tomorrow morning,
when the other people come in,

they'll know that Helen
and Weezy were in jail.

That's a great idea.

Now, let's get down
to the Help Center.

But, but, but wait a
minute, George. It's late.
How will be get in?

I got Weezy's keys.
Yeah, oh, yeah.

-But what about
the burglar alarm?
-I know how to turn it off.

-But isn't there a guard?
-Look, I've been knowing
the guy for years.

Well, I don't know. It
seems kind of risky to me.

Trust me, Willis.
What could possibly
go wrong?