10x14 - Real Man Don't Dry Clean

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh...

Hello, Help Center.

This is George Jefferson.
Yes! Again!

Look, have you
found my wife yet?

I know the class
broke up late.

But the Help Center
is not that big.

Why don't you just cut off
your moustache and take
a look in the ladies room?

You're a lady?
Hello? Hello?

Hello?

It's about time.

Where you been?

Well, gee, George,
I was just upstairs

peeking through
Helen's diary.

Now that I'm here,
I really wanna see
that new shirt machine.

It's not
a shirt machine, Willis.

It's a hydraulic
shirt puffer.

We can't see it yet because
the girls are not back

from their
defense class yet.

Oh, they're not? I wonder
what's keeping them.

I don't know.

Probably hanging around
with that teacher,
drooling all over him.

Oh, George, you don't mean
they've got a crush
on their instructor?

Are you kidding?
That's all they
talk about is Ben Carter.

Just because he's been
all around the world,

and done all kinds
of adventures.

They think Ben Carter does
this, Ben Carter does that.

Ben Carter?
Are you talking about that

gorgeous hunk of man
Ben Carter?

What are you talking
like that for?

I lost my voice.

Oh. Well, that's a start.
Now how about
the rest of your body?

Florence, don't
tell me you know
Ben Carter, too?

Yes. I take
self-defense classes
from him every Tuesday night.

Florence, isn't that
an insult to the Lord?

I mean, He took a lot
of time and patience

throwing that face
of yours together, you know.

Mr. Jefferson, you're just
jealous of Ben Carter.

Jealous of Ben Carter?

Why should I be
jealous of him?

He's a man
just like I am.

He puts his pants on
one leg at a time, too.

But his don't fit
Mickey Mouse.

Oh, shut up, Willis!

Ben Carter
ain't nothing.

Ain't nothing?

The man's been
all over the world.

Done just about
everything a man can do.

But you, you're
just a dry cleaner.

"Just a dry cleaner," huh?

You try telling that to
somebody in gabardine
face down in the mud.

And I challenge any man,
one on one, who thinks
he can b*at me.

Oh... Oh, George.

I would like you
to meet Ben Carter.

Good to
meet you, George.

Your wife's told me
all about you.

Yeah. She told me
all about you, too,

so I guess there's
nothing left for us
to talk about, right?

See you later, Ben.

Ben...

This is
my husband, Tom.

Oh, uh... Hi, Ben.
Just call me Butch.

George, Ben was nice enough
to walk Helen and me home
after class.

So I invited him
up for a chat.

Then chat he shall.

And I wanna speak to you
for a minute over here.

Excuse us.
We'll be right back.

Weezy, I thought you
were gonna go over
to see my shirt puffer.

I am.

But right now,
we have a guest.

No! You have a guest!

Well, give him a chance.

He's absolutely fascinating.

More fascinating than
my new shirt puffer?

George, I'll be glad to
see your shirt puffer,

after we talk with Ben.

Now come on,

and please
behave yourself.

Oh, Ben's been telling us
about some of his
incredible adventures.

Did you tell them
about that awful
cave-in, Ben?

Oh, I don't wanna
take up all
of your time.

Oh, tell them.
Oh, very well.

I was in Australia,

exploring this
old abandoned mine shaft.

When all of a sudden
I heard this rumbling.

You should have tried
some Pepto-Bismol.

The next thing I knew,

before I had
a chance to react,
the whole mine collapsed.

There I was, trapped,
deep beneath the earth.

Total darkness.

Just the rats,
the bats,

and me with no more
than two hours of oxygen,

if I was lucky.

Did you
make it out, Ben?

Well, I think
what he means is...

What do you mean?

Forgive me. I, uh...
I was just caught up
in your story.

Tell them how you
made it out, Ben.

Well, it took me
three hours,
but I dug my way out.

Wait a second.
You said you only had
two hours of air left.

I did. That was
for any other man.

That's where my
Eastern meditation
training came in...

I was able to slow down
my heartbeat and respiration
enough to hold out.

Tom, isn't
that fabulous?

Oh, Helen, that's nothing.

Did I ever tell you
about the time

I had to proofread

an E.E. Cummings poem?

I nearly went out of my mind.

Go ahead, Ben.

George, did you notice
the ornament Ben
has around his neck?

Yes.
What did you do, Ben?

Break in a zoo
and mug a panda?

For your information, George,

that is a real
Kodiak bear claw.

Yeah, I had to k*ll the bear
in self-defense.
Hmm...

Oh, you use your
own two hands?

No, actually, I...
I did it with one hand.

I had to use the other one
to rescue the cub.

Oh, come on!

You believe
this guy, Willis?

Uh, Ben,
don't be verbose.

Just say,
"To my dear friend, Tom."

I mean, Butch.

You know a bear
ain't that tough.

Anybody can k*ll a bear.

I'll tell you
something tough.

You try cleaning
grease stains
off of aprons.

That, my friend,
is tough.

Well, I'm sure
you are equal
to those stains, George.

It's been nice chatting
with you, but I've gotta
get my miles in today.

You're a runner, too?

Sort of. I'm gonna be
in the Boston Marathon,

but I'm just using that
as a tune up

for the triathlon in Hawaii.

Oh, well, then,
why don't Helen and I
walk you downstairs?

Uh, we'll be back
in a few minutes, George.

And then we'll all
go see your fluffer.

That's Puffer, Weez.
Shirt puffer.

Whatever.
Allow me.

Did I ever tell
you ladies about

the time I fell into
the Amazon River?

No...
I had to
wrestle an alligator.

Oh, fascinating...

I hope he gets
frostbite of the knees.

Oh, come on, George,
you gotta give the man
a little credit.

Well, what are you talking
about, Willis?

You take away Carter's
strength, bravery,
and his good looks,

and what you got left?

You.

What are you
laughing at, Willis?

Can't you see
what's going on here?
What?

Our wives think this guy
is more interesting
than we are.

Well, isn't he?

Well, yeah. But we don't
want them to know it.

Now, George, you know,
it's not in my nature
to put the man down.

I mean, first of all,
he has led
an interesting life.

And secondly,

I don't wanna see
any part of my body

hanging around his neck.

Willis, our wives are
losing respect for us.

Do you really think so?

What would you have
more respect for?

A guy that wrestles
alligators, or a guy
that edits cookbooks?

We've got
a big problem here.

No more words.
No more talk.

Action, I want...

Information. Get me the
number of Pierre's Florist.

Willis... Willis!

This guy fights bears
with one hand.

Well, now be fair, George.

You haven't even seen any
of Pierre's arrangements.

He can do them
with one hand.
Oh...

Oh, what do you
want, Bentley?

Oh, do I have to
want something

every time I
come over here, Mr. J?
Yes.

Oh, very well.
I'll take a Duraflame log.

I don't have
a Duraflame log.

Oh, good.
I don't have a fireplace.

Now that that's out
of the way, what
are you two up to?

Bentley, we're
having a problem here.

Oh, what's
your problem?
None of your business!

I see.

Oh, Mr. Bentley,

our wives
don't respect us.

I see. Have you tried flowers?
See?

Oh, come on, Bentley,
you don't know nothing
about this.

You ain't never
been married.

Well, Mr. J, you don't
have to be married

to lose the respect
of a woman.

It's a daily event
in my life.

But, um,

you'll find that gaining
back their respect

may not be as difficult
as it might seem.

Now how long has
each of you been married?

Twenty-nine years.

Ah... And you?
Thirty-four years.

No, it's too late.

See, I knew you
didn't know
what you was

talking about.
Get out of here.
Now, Mr. J, I'm...

Get out!
I'm as good as gone,

but I need one favor.

You see, a friend of mine
has loaned me his cabin
up in the Catskill Mountains.

You know, fresh air,
little animals,

and all that serenity.

I was wondering if you
might pick up my mail
for a couple of days.

Hey, wait a second.
You know something...

I just figured
out a way to get our
wives' respect back.

By picking up
Bentley's mail!

No!

By going to the mountains.

How do you think Weezy
and Helen will feel if
we went hunting for bear?

Like widows, George.

Oh, come on.

There's no woman that
doesn't appreciate the hunt.

Well, I don't know.
I... I don't know.

I... I just never been
hunting before. I...

It's no big thing, Willis.

We just go up there in
the mountains, right?

We have the cabin
for the two of us.

We got...
Uh, Mr. J, the... My friend
loaned me the cabin.

Oh, well, you can
come with us.

Just stay
out of the way.

Then it is all settled.

Men, we're going
hunting for bear.

Oh, this is
absolutely smashing.

Yeah, this is
really living, huh?

Yeah. I can't wait
to k*ll something.

Here we are.
Oh...

Well, boy,
this is great, huh?

Hey, hey, hey...
Uh, but, George,

listen, um, you think
we're doing the right thing?

I mean, Helen and Louise
weren't that thrilled
about our coming up here.

Come on, Willis.
Women always say the opposite
of what they mean.

Oh, you think so?
Right.

When you married Helen,
didn't she say, "I do"?

Yeah.
Well, has she
done anything?

Okay, now...

Now, we all know why
we're up here, right?

We came up here
to bag a few bears,

drink a few beers and
get the hell out of here.

Uh, George,
listen to me.

Couldn't we take
a hunting lesson first?

I mean, I'm sure
there's a local college.

They gave us licenses,
didn't they?

Yeah.

Mr. J, I...

I think it might be
a tad more complicated
than that.

To succeed at hunting
you've got to know your prey.

What's there to know?
We got g*ns,
the bears don't.

Well...

Despite that example
of air tight logic,

it says in here that
a bear can weigh up
to , pounds,

can stand
over feet tall,

and can decapitate
a human being
with one swipe.

Uh, hey, men,
I've got a great idea.

Why don't we just sit here
in front of the fire
and tell ghost stories?

Now this is interesting.

It says that certain
Indian tribes of Alaska

have nicknamed
the Kodiak bear
Tackamooknook.

Big deal.
What's that mean?

"The disemboweler."

Oh, sh**t.
I just thought of something.

Bears are an
endangered species.

Are you sure?

No, but if we go out there
and k*ll them all,
they will be.

What else is in
that book, Bentley?
What else can we sh**t?

Oh, I know what
we can sh**t.
We're in the Catskills.

We can sh**t
a stand-up comic.

Listen, did I ever
tell you the story
about the...

Several times, Willis.
You only got one joke.

Mr. J, I would think
your next best bet
would be a deer.

Well, do they weigh
almost , pounds?

Oh, no.

Do they have teeth
that can gnaw you and claws
that can rip you to pieces?

Oh, no. And to anticipate
your next question,

they do not disembowel.

Well, I'll go
with the deer.

Oh, yeah, well, let's go
hunt us some deer then.
Come on.

Yeah. Hey, but wait a minute.
Aren't we gonna eat first?

Willis, come on...

TOM: Uh, uh, bring him in
here, George.

Okay now, careful.

Watch it...

Sit down.

It's all right, Mr. Bentley,
you're right here
in the cabin.

I remember now.
It's coming back. I...

I was standing behind
a deer crossing sign,

answering nature's call,
when, uh,

suddenly I heard a sh*t.
Mr. Willis...

It's okay, Bentley.
You just fainted.

You're lucky
Willis has a lousy aim.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bentley.
I thought you
were a moose.

A common mistake,
Mr. Willis.

Well, anyway,
while you were conked out,

the ranger came by
and gave you this.

A ticket? What for?

Defacing a tree.

Say nothing.
We have to find another
place to go,

because the ranger
told me that it's not
deer season.

That's perfect,
because I have
a wonderful idea

of how we can prove
to our wives that we're men.

Now we leave here immediately

and return to New York.

And then we allow our
wives to watch us shave.

Willis, our wives are
the reason we're out here.

Now all we got to do
is k*ll something and
they'll worship us.

Oh, George, I don't know
whether I wanna
k*ll anything.

I mean, after all, I...

I didn't give
these animals life,

who am I to take it away?

Oh, take that, you
filthy little blood sucker!

Anyway, Bentley,
what are we gonna k*ll?

Well, Mr. J, uh...

I don't know if this is
what you had in mind,

but just before
I blacked out,
I noticed there were

lots of rabbits
in the area.

Rabbits?
They're not fierce.

No, but what they lack
in ferocity they
make up in libido.

I think rabbits are
about the best you can do
up here, Mr. J.

Okay, well, if rabbits
is it, let's go hunt
some rabbits then.

We'll make sure
we get some big ones,
all right?

Hey, wait a minute.

Bentley, what does it say
in that book about rabbits?

Well, it says
they're easily domesticated,

they make wonderful pets,
and they're
harmless to humans.

Harmless to humans?
Let's go blast them!

Now this is the way
I like to hunt.

The animals come to us,
we don't have to go to them.

Mr. J, this is all
the lettuce we've got.

I was going
to make a salade nicoise.

You know, George,
I'm not sure

how many rabbits
are gonna fit into the car.

Well, Willis,
don't worry about it.

We'll just sort of
spread 'em out over the hood,

and keep the rest of them
in your lap.

Bentley, we'll take turns
on the string, okay?

First it's your turn,
then it's my turn,

then it's
your turn again.

George, what do you
want me to do?

You can answer
the telephone, Willis.

But there isn't any phone.

Well, that's great.
Then you won't have a chance
to mess up nothing, right?

Shh! Look, look,
something's moving
in the bushes.

Is it a rabbit?

Up in the tree?

Oh, I don't think so.

It's ears
are a little short.

No, dummy, that's a squirrel.
The rabbit's on the ground.

Oh, that.

BENTLEY: Look, he hopped.

Oh look,
he hopped again.

TOM: What's he doing now?

Oh, that's not fair.
Nobody's giving him a ticket.

GEORGE: Shh!

Oh, he's sniffing
the bait.

Careful, Bentley,
you know, my marriage
is riding on this.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, the tension, right?

No. That anybody's marriage
could be riding on this.

Easy, Bentley.
He's in the box.

Okay, Bentley,
quick now.

Hey!
We got him!
We got him, Mr. J!

We got him!
We got him!

We came to the mountains
to hunt rabbits,

and the rabbit's
in the box.
And now it's Miller time.

Wait a minute, George.

Now we've got a problem.
What?

He's not dead yet.

Well, let's get our g*ns
and splatter him.

Oh... Oh, Mr. J,
I'm afraid.

Bentley, what is it?
It's only a rabbit.

No, not the rabbit.
Mr. Willis' g*n.

Just lift up the box.
Oh...

Okay, rabbit,
eat lead.

TOM: You think you're
pretty cute and furry,
don't you?

Wiggling your nose is not
gonna get you out of this.

Yeah. George, you...
You've got to admit,
he's pretty adorable.

Oh, remember Thumper?

Yeah.

And Bambi.

And Bambi's mother.

Oh...
Oh, come on,
let's face it, Willis,

we can't k*ll nothing.

Get out of here, rabbit!
Come on, come on,
go ahead, go ahead.

So long, little fellow.

Well, gentlemen,
we've failed.

Now, George,
what do you think
our wives are gonna say?

Well, I know two words
they're gonna say.
Ben Carter.

Oh, Ben Carter.
I'm so sick of him.

Ben Carter this,
Ben Carter that.

And those
cheap stories of his.

I'd just like to tell him
once to... To go stuff it!

Hey, wait a second.
I just got an idea.

Let's go pack up our things
and let's start home.

Well, wait a minute,
aren't we gonna eat first?

Just come on, Willis.

I'm telling you, Weez.
You should have been there.

Boy, we were surrounded
by every wild animal

in the woods.
Right, Willis?

Yeah...

Hey, how about that
herd of moose that came
crashing through the cabin?

Man, I'll never forget it.

Hey, listen, George,
where did you bury
the third one?

Oh, around back.

Oh, my goodness...

Oh, isn't that awful?

By the way,
where is Mr. Bentley?

Is he okay?

Sure, he's okay. He's
staying up at the cabin.
He's cleaning up.

Like all the blood and
antlers and stuff.
Oh...

Well, it all
sounds exciting.

But I've got to admit,
I really don't understand
this hunting for sport.

I certainly wouldn't
want to do it.

You're not supposed to.

That's for men.
Brave strong men
like me and Willis, right?

Yeah, right.

That must be
the taxidermist.

Already, George?

Can animals be
stuffed this fast?

Well, it depends
on your relationship
with the dermist.

Hey, a delivery here
for George Jefferson.

If you mean George
"Fear Nothing In Fur"
Jefferson,

you've got the right guy.
Come on in.

I bagged this baby.

By yourself?

Well, I had to, Weez.

Willis was busy bagging
that baby over there.

Good heavens, Tom.

Where are we
gonna put that?

How about over
the bed, baby?

Uh, I mean, if that's
all right with you, dear.

A tiger?

Oh, yeah,
I popped this one, too.

Then the guy up at the
general store said
this is the first tiger

sh*t in the Catskills
in over years.

Okay, now wait
just one minute.

Isn't that a marlin?

Why, uh, yeah.

Oh, you gotta aim
real careful like when
they leap out of the water.

That's right.
We had two of them.

We had one
for breakfast.

Yeah. You know,
there's nothing like
starting the morning off

with a couple of
scrambled eggs,

pan fried marlin,

and a good cup of joe.

It must have been
quite a pan.

Hey, look, guys,
can I speak to you
a minute?

Some technical business.

Look, uh,

where did the tiger
and marlin come from?

The tiger came from India.
And the marlin
came from Mexico.

I know that!

I didn't order that.

Order?
Oh.

That's hunter's language
for "k*ll", Weez.

You're right, sir.
You're right. The tiger
goes to Mr. Jeff Rees

in Brooklyn.
See? Tried to make
a liar out of me.

George, ask them
about the marlin.

Oh, well, uh,
Mr. Jefferson ordered
the weekend special.

Rent two, get one free.

He means, I k*lled
the weekend special.

Thank you.
See you later.

Uh, George...

Hey, Smokey.

You gave the woods quite
a scare, you know that?

Yeah, Weez?

Uh, you two didn't really
sh**t any animals, did you?

Of course we did.
You think they
were born that way?

Tom...
Dear...

What did you do out
in the woods, Tom?

Um...

Uh, Mr. Bentley
got a ticket.

And I didn't.

What else
didn't you do, Tom?

Well, uh,

there was a lot of
sh**ting up there.

It was really something.
Oh, you should
have been there.

Tom!

We were men, Helen.

Thomas, look me
in the eyes

and tell me that
you k*lled that bear!

All right!

We rented them, Helen.

Oh, Tom...

Hey, wait a minute,
if we rented these, where are
the ones that we k*lled?

Oh, George,
for crying out loud,
it's over! They know!

That's because of you
and your big mouth!

Now wait a minute, now.

We don't
know everything.

We don't know
why you two

would wanna
tell us this lie.

Well, because you
and Helen are always

talking about
this Ben Carter.

How adventurous he is.
How brave he is,

and everything.
Hold it.

Do you mean to tell me

you went on this
hunting trip because you
were jealous of Ben Carter?

Well, Weez,
you didn't show no interest
in my shirt puffer.

George,

you don't have
to compete with Ben.

He's a certain type
of man,

and you're another type.

My type.

And I feel the same way
about you, Tom.

There's no other person
on this earth like you.

Oh, Helen, I was so
frightened up there!
Oh...

Now what in the world
are we gonna do
with these?

Well, everything is paid for.
I'm keeping mine.

Look, Weezy,
don't tell nobody about
what happened, okay?

If they ask you
what happened, just tell
them I sh*t the bear.

He sh*t the deer.

And the marlin
followed us home.