A Lesson in Love (1954)

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A LESSON IN LOVE

A Comedy for Grown-ups by...

This comedy
might have been a tragedy,

but all turned out well,
so it became a comedy.

Neither the author nor the actresses
are the teachers of this lesson,

but rather life itself
with its absurd twists and turns.

Ladies and gentlemen...

you can witness this lesson in love
with an indulgent smile,

for the lesson is elementary,

and it's one you learned long ago...

isn't it?

You're a b*stard.

You're spoiled,
brutish, and cynical.

You call yourself a gynecologist?
You've never understood a woman.

If I had the energy,
I'd laugh at all this.

You're so terribly naive.

So you don't want to marry me?
- No, thank you.

What a storm!

- The angels are crying.
- The boy's feeling remorse.

Perhaps, my dear Susanne.

Sadness and remorse
are Siamese twins.

- I can go on being your lover.
- No, thank you.

At least stop thanking me!

So it's definitely over?

Yes. Thanks for what
we had together.

You want me to start yelling?

I admit my retreat is deplorable,
but I'm no passionate superman.

I'm just a tired and boring man
with a headache and regrets.

Could it be any sadder?
- Because you're getting old.

That's right.

I'm an itty-bitty...

teeny-tiny bit old.

Go back to your forgiving wife's
forgiving embrace.

No doubt she's waiting to be plucked
off the shelf and dusted off

like a trusty old pipe!

Please show Mrs. Verin out
and the next patient in.

- Out.
- In a moment.

Good-bye, David.

I do feel sorry for you.

Always looking at women
from odd angles

eventually makes a man
quite peculiar.

Where is my key, by the way?

You're sublime... you bore!

Next.

Next.

Doctor, I have a terrible problem

that keeps me awake at night.

You cheered up my husband
on another occasion.

I have such confidence in you.

This rain is incredible!

I'm wondering if my husband and I
should remarry.

After 10 years
and two children together,

we divorced
when I met a younger man

who gave me
that special something, you know?

But he was very young
and had to do his military duty,

and then my husband returned...

Excuse me.

A life-and-death emergency
is calling me.

There are three patients waiting.

My life and my death!

But what should I do?

A piece of advice:
The conjugal bed is love's demise.

You're terrible!

No, I'm not. Not at all.

Bye!

And here I thought
the doctor was really...

Did you, now?

If I weren't a Christian woman,
I'd say "damnation!"

Sam, don't you ever
have trouble with women?

- Not since I k*lled my fiancée.
- Not exactly what I meant.

Then your father, the old professor,
operated on my head.

He did a bolo...
- Lobotomy.

- Could be.
- I'm sure it was.

I'm very grateful.
Now I only run amok twice a year,

and I don't even eat or drink.

How practical!

It's the thunderstorm.

But we should be able
to pick up something.

I'm going to nap. I'm tired.

And a little bit old.

A teeny-tiny bit old...

She first came to see me
in the spring.

She seemed nervous
and unsettled,

which made me
nervous and unsettled too.

Your symptoms don't seem
particularly alarming, Mrs. Verin...

but let's examine you anyway,

just to be safe.

Please undress
behind the screen.

Do you find me attractive?

- How old are you?
- Why do you ask?

For my records.

- I was born in '32.
- Already married at 21?

Are you sorry to hear it?

Get undressed
and stop chattering.

You have such beautiful hands.

- Kind of you to say.
- And an adorable neck.

Is that so?

What's it like watching women
undress all day?

It's no fun, I assure you.

I'm so afraid.

Will you be gentle?

Get undressed now.
I have patients waiting.

I have a confession to make.

A confession?

- You won't get mad?
- It depends.

- Then I don't dare.
- Fine. I won't get mad.

There's nothing wrong with me.
I just said there was.

I wanted to meet you.
- Meet me?

I'm in love with you, Dr. Erneman!

I see.
That's very kind of you.

My dear Mrs. Verin...
I really don't know what to say.

I saw you
every day last summer.

We were neighbors in the country,
but you didn't notice me.

- I was working.
- You certainly were...

hunched over your desk
every day until 3:30.

Then you had tea
with three buttered biscuits.

Then you went for a swim,
regardless of the weather.

- You saw all that?
- I loved you already.

Of course.

I fantasized about you.

I'm just a little girl.

- But you're married.
- To a horrendous bore!

Please go now. I have
neither the time nor the desire.

- Don't send me away.
- I must, for several reasons.

- Do you love your wife?
- Yes.

And it's none of your business.
Now go.

You don't love her.

Mrs. Verin, you're very sweet.

One might even say attractive.

I'm touched by your attention.
What man wouldn't be?

But I'm as big a bore
as your husband,

in that I have certain principles
regarding marital fidelity...

and so on...

and so forth.

Go on.

I love it when you scold me.

I also have an extremely attractive wife
whom I've loved sincerely for...

let me see...
15... 16 years in October...

and I've never been unfaithful.

And the beautiful woman
who moored her yacht at your dock?

That was a friend of my wife's.

Oh? Is that why you kissed her
in the moonlight

after your wife went to bed?
- Well...

- I cried all night!
- No tears here, please!

Kiss me and I'll go.

I haven't the slightest desire
to kiss you.

You're such a liar.

You have an overpowering desire
to kiss me...

and that's not all.

This is completely preposterous,
my dear young lady!

I protest most strongly!

You sound
like a United Nations delegate!

- I'm fighting for my life!
- Am I that dangerous?

If I decided
to have an affair with you,

a terrible chain reaction
of events would unfold

from a single moment
of thoughtlessness.

No one needs to know.

I prefer my simple life

with its little vexations
and petty joys.

I prefer my slippers
and my amiably indifferent fireplace

to your perfumed body
and its different kind of fire

that's very dangerous
and can destroy

all that we call home,
children, and decency...

and that leads
absolutely nowhere.

Go now, Susanne.

Go and leave me in peace.

- You love me.
- No, I don't love you.

But I yearn to hold you tight

and let your fire burn away
my lethargy and boredom

and all the gray monotony
that's gathered on my brain

and that I don't have
the energy to remove.

Did that sound trite, stupid,
silly, and ridiculous?

Don't say any more.

Just kiss me.

No, no, no!

It's my inalienable right
to go on being a bore.

My attempts just now
to the contrary were disastrous.

Just think of it as fun!

Of course I think it's fun!

I'm mad with desire.
Who could claim otherwise?

I'm still waiting.

You've made me a glorious offer,
and I hesitate.

Shouldn't I be ashamed?
- Yes.

- My wife and I, for 15 years...
- Sixteen in October.

She's unfaithful in her own way.

Fidelity only exists
as long as one is faithful.

Infidelity is the invention
of moralists and gossips.

If I'm to be unfaithful,

it must be without remorse
or fear of consequences.

If it all goes to hell,
you'll be the best traveling companion!

You men need reasons
for everything,

even for jumping into bed.

You think
I didn't see you last summer?

I saw you every day.
You were everywhere.

Your scent was in my nostrils.
I dreamed about you at night.

I reached out for you.

You were like summer itself.

He's waxing poetic!

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Three patients are waiting,
as well as your lecture.

I don't think man was created first.

I'm sure it was woman.
- On a Saturday morning.

In the sunshine,
when our Lord was in high spirits.

Woman was created from dust
with eternity in her nostrils.

And Saturday night she was mad
that there was no one to go out with.

So God created man, just after dinner,
in the middle of a yawn.

And since man
was only for company,

God wasn't too fussy about form.

- What about our missing rib?
- Perhaps it slipped further down.

Perhaps our Lord is a woman.

Woman is life itself,

with all its charms
and devilish bother.

It's true.

You end up confused
and with a headache.

It's the glands boiling over.

Yes, it's nice.

Susanne was strong.

Strong from...
- Who?

No one.

I'm just talking.

That summer with Susanne.

In the end you forget the bitter
and hurtful words and actions.

It's the pleasant memories
that remain.

Yes, what a summer!

The water feels nice.
Let's go swimming.

We already did.

Of course. I forgot.

I see one, two, three, four stars.

- Are you tired?
- Yes. What about you?

Me too.

We've sailed, fished,
swam, slept, eaten, argued...

- Fought.
- You fought.

- In short, we've celebrated summer.
- And what a summer!

- Now I'm satiated.
- Not me.

- No, you're...
- Insatiable.

Man can't just vegetate.

You can't just vegetate.

No, I want to do
some research too.

It's of such little importance.

It's such a banal
yet interesting pattern.

What pattern?

Hunger, eating, satisfaction.

And then?

Boredom.

- You're bored with me.
- That's not what I meant.

Yes, that's exactly what you meant.

Don't try to wriggle out of it.
- What about you?

The more I relax,
the lazier I become.

So you're tired of me?

I'm so bored of you, I could spit.

But you're under my skin...

on my fingertips...

pounding in my temples.

Sounds like some kind of poison.

Call it what you like.
You always take my best pipe!

Give it here immediately.

You spit in it.

I could slit your throat.

I'll show you the quickest way.

I'd put your head on my desk
with a lightbulb behind your eyes.

Here comes a motorboat.

- Are you in a hurry?
- No, not really.

Then you can swim for it. Bye!

- The damn b*stard!
- You know him?

That's my husband!

- That's our train.
- Will we make it?

- Trust me.
- I mean alive.

So do I. Next stop Mjölby!

Carry out precisely
what's listed here.

Then meet me
on the promenade in Copenhagen

at 1:00 a.m... sober.

- Certainly.
- It's not certain at all!

Good-bye... and be careful.

Passengers
for the 2:35 p. m. express to Malmö,

please board now.

Please close the doors.

All aboard.
Please close the doors.

- Is that seat occupied?
- No, it's free.

You mind if I sit here?
I don't like the draft.

Be my guest.

Most kind of you.

The weather's terrible.

Yes, it's raining.

I usually drive,
but my car's being serviced.

That's too bad.

Not at all.
The train's more fun.

You can meet nice people...

and lovely ladies.

That's one hell of a black book!

Probably "modern literature."

You might say that.

May I ask the title?

An Introduction
to Arterial Circulation in the Uterus

and Secondary Sex Glands,
Including Their Disorders.

Any pictures?

Yes, but nothing too exciting.

Does either of you gentlemen
have a light?

- It always works.
- Thank you.

- What a woman!
- I agree.

What bearing, what a walk,
what a bust... and so on.

And she doesn't seem
entirely uninterested.

- In what?
- Me, of course.

I know women.
She's going to Copenhagen.

Really?

She's looking for adventure.
There's no mistaking it.

- Perhaps.
- Unless someone beats me to it.

- Make your move!
- My intention precisely.

I'll talk to her out there.
You won't mind being alone?

Not at all.

- Want to bet a fiver?
- What?

That I kiss her before Tranås.

- All right.
- See you.

Tickets, please.

TO DAD FROM PELLE
I TOOK IT MYSELF

TO DAD FROM NIX
ON MY 15TH BIRTHDAY

My wife and children had
a summer place near Helsingborg.

I was on my way to visit them.

I had plenty of time
and was driving slowly along

when I suddenly saw Nix and Tax.

Hi, Nix.
You're out in this wind?

Hi, Dad.

Hop in. I'll give you a ride.

Sure, part of the way.

Tax, I almost forgot you.

- Where am I taking you?
- Just into town.

Thanks.

Nix, shall we get
a hot chocolate with whipped cream?

Or a big ice cream?
But do you have time?

- I always have time for you.
- Do you?

She brought some water for you.

Could you operate on a woman
and make her a man?

- I don't think so.
- The papers say it's possible.

Really? That's remarkable.

- I'd like to have that operation.
- You?

- I'm tired of being a woman.
- I'm sorry to hear that.

- Just look at Mom.
- Is she that unhappy?

- To be dependent on a man!
- You mean financially?

You know very well what I mean.

Poor Tax,
my only friend in the world.

You're already tired.
and we still have so far to go.

- What's this "far to go"?
- None of your business!

Come sit so we can talk.

Tell me what you're up to.

Tax and I left home.

Left home?
What do you mean?

It's simple.
I can't stand the atmosphere there.

I thought you three
were having a good time.

A good time!

Don't be so contrary! A father
and daughter should be able to talk.

You see these hands?

You have nice worker's hands.

I have to do something with them,
mold something.

I can't just sunbathe, read magazines,
and think about love.

You know my best friend Eva...

Is that why you left?

You're not the only one
in the world with problems.

Language exists
so that we can communicate.

Look at me as a fellow human being,
despite my being your father.

- You'd never understand.
- Why not?

You're too naive.

I know my world
is extremely limited.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

I have an idea, Jacqueline.

Let's spend the day together.

You don't have time.

I'll make time.
Know where we'll go?

Uncle Alex and Aunt Stina's
pottery shop. How about it?

It's great to see you.

You should stop by more often.
Cheers.

Cheers. Nix?

Are you and Mom
going to get a divorce?

I don't know, Nix.

Mom is so on edge.

It's unhealthy for a mature woman
to live without a man.

It's all so disgusting!

I pity all women!

Is that why you left?

Love is so disgusting,

so hopelessly stupid.

I never want to love anyone.

At least not a man.

You know Eva, my best friend?

We've always been together.
We've been inseparable.

She was coming for the summer,
and I was so excited.

We were going to swim and fish
and build a tree house.

But she arrived three weeks ago,
and she's changed!

She's become a silly lady

who paints her lips
and wears curlers.

At the beach she walked around
swaying her behind

in a bathing suit
one size too small.

She looked ridiculous
with her big behind!

And she thought everything
I suggested we do was silly.

She was like
a completely different girl!

Then she fell in love with some fool
I wouldn't even sneeze at.

When Mom was in Copenhagen...
- Hold on.

- Is your mom often in Copenhagen?
- Several times a week.

Eva wanted privacy so she
and this guy could make out.

And later she gave me
a full report.

It's disgusting!

And you just couldn't
take it anymore?

I started hating Eva and Mom
and all their love games.

It's like they're cows or hens!

You mean Mom plays
these "love games" too?

Yes, of course!

- You know whom she's seeing?
- Certainly.

He's quite nice and harmless.
He has dinner with us sometimes.

- Who is it?
- Carl-Adam, of course.

Carl-Adam?

There's nothing remarkable
about Carl-Adam.

The sculptor who lives
in Copenhagen?

Well, I'll be damned!
- What of it?

It's only natural Mom should have
a lover when you have one.

You don't say.

You seem so shocked!

Now you want to live your own life?

You have to be yourself!

In your hurry to be yourself

you'll discover
you're a lot of other people too.

- Sounds awful.
- It's not so awful.

Life at its best appears
to be one big collaboration.

But love is just stupid!

Neither love
nor eroticism is stupid.

But to go chasing after erotic adventure
is a pastime for baboons.

- Then you're a baboon.
- Oh!

Well... maybe I am.

Do you despise yourself, Dad?

Yes, Nix, I despise myself.

I think that everything
is infinitely inconsequential.

So what happens to Mom
and Pelle and me is inconsequential?

No, not anymore.

It's the only thing I care about.

Let's close up shop.
Stina is waiting with dinner.

I wish I could stay here.

It's already been arranged.

You'll apprentice here
with your uncle and aunt.

- You could stay too.
- I haven't got time.

Is this Susanne beautiful?

Very beautiful.

Let's sit here all night
until sunrise, okay?

I'd like that.

But I can't sleep
when the moon shines.

Nix? Are you cold?

You hear me, Nix?

I understand
you're going to Copenhagen.

That's right.

Do you go often?

- It depends.
- You probably have work there.

No, I just enjoy myself.

I've heard there are
lots of nice people there.

It's awfully hot in here.
Shall we open a window?

Certainly.

- I got something in my eye.
- There's nothing worse.

I'm a doctor.
Perhaps I can help.

Let's see.

Right around there.

You have a light touch.

I'm equally light on my feet.

Here it is. Feeling better?

I've often wondered
about the great power

a gynecologist has to win over
our hearts and our confidence.

Isn't it difficult sometimes
to fend off patients?

One can lose one's head.

Isn't it hard always walking around
without a head?

Sometimes it's a respite.

Does your wife think
it's a respite too?

She takes the opportunity
to lose her own head.

An ideal marriage!

A marriage needs
an occasional kick or it will die.

Does your wife agree?

- I don't think so.
- Me neither.

- The conjugal bed is love's demise.
- How terribly trite!

Yes, but true.

Are you sure your wife is always
so keen to feel like a wife?

All women love being married.
It's a basic truth.

You're so naive.

You're the third.

The third person
to call me naive recently.

Well, you are...

if you can't see that a woman
doesn't want to feel like a wife...

but like a woman.

- And how does that happen?
- That's for the man to figure out.

A full-time occupation
for millionaires.

A hobby... for men.
Shall we close it now?

- Now I'm not a man.
- Doctor, did I hurt your feelings?

I know all the arguments.

A man never grows up
and can't bear children,

so he plays with g*ns
and creates mischief.

Apart from reproduction,

man is a necessary but insignificant
factor in a woman's world.

- You certainly turned grumpy!
- Not at all.

You're very beautiful
and extremely witty...

a sterling specimen of your sex.

I acknowledge
without bitterness my inferiority,

and I can only stammer that...

I love you...

I've always loved you...

I'll always love you.

Stop right there, my dear sir.

Don't think it will be easier for you

than for the poor salesman
you bet with.

Easy money! I knew your virtue
was as unassailable as a mountain.

What do you know
of a woman's virtue?

Women are by nature
not virtuous.

It's you men,
together with our Lord,

who cooked up
the Immaculate Conception,

along with virginity, virtue,
chastity, and innocence.

- Amen.
- No, not amen!

A man can be
a full-fledged lecher

and he's just "sowing his wild oats"
in your stupid men's language.

But a woman
with any fire in her blood

and a desire to enjoy it
is a tr*mp.

You have a cigarette?
- I only have my pipe.

I'll just go to the dining car.

Allow me. I'll be right back.

Turkish, as usual?

I see you remember that.

That's not all, beloved wife.

Madam, I apologize for my behavior.

You're a lady. I'm a heel.

Should you wish to resume
our pleasant conversation,

I'm in the next compartment.

You're still on the train?

Yes, I thought it best
to flee the b*ttlefield.

The lady in there is a lady.
- I'm not so sure. Care to bet?

- No, thanks.
- You misunderstand me.

How about 10 kronor
that I kiss the lady before 'A'lmhult?

- You?
- That's right. Well?

All right.

I'll get matches too.

Just don't lose weight
from all this running.

- It's a pleasure, madam.
- When did you become so polite?

I'm having a good day.

No, my dear,
it won't be that easy.

You think the fruit will fall
right into your hands.

In that case, I can assure you
it'll be a sour apple.

There are things
I don't forget so easily.

Are you cheating on me, David?

What's that?

You heard very well.

Our marriage was harmonious.

Too harmonious.
It's passed out from good health.

- You're playing with words.
- No, I'm describing us.

Happiness is like a great paralyzing
dough that swallows up your life.

You try to fight it,
but it finally suffocates you.

Sometimes I could slap you.
You talk like a spoiled child.

You walked in
making horrible accusations.

If you're honest with me,
it might all work out.

But if you lie and skirt the issue,
there's no hope.

I refuse to be interrogated.

I've done nothing wrong.
Go home and calm down.

And ask your informers to shut up
for good health's sake.

It's late. We're both tired.

Shall we get a bite to eat?
- Sorry. I don't have time.

No, you don't have time.

BOOK ROOM... HOTEL HAVSVIK
SATURDAY-SUNDAY

Tomorrow, then?

Can't we go somewhere
for the weekend?

I'm going to Uppsala tomorrow
for the conference

that Professor Franzén
holds every month.

You know that.

Yes... Professor Franzén.

You look tired and upset,
my friend.

Yes, I can't afford to work as I'd like.

Can't afford it.
Don't have the time.

Nothing.
- David?

If you didn't lie to me,

it would be much easier
for both of us.

Leave now
before I lose my temper.

I can remain calm in most situations,
but there are...

There are limits.

You should get your glasses fixed.

One arm is coming loose.

Just a moment.

What's that?

Excuse me.

ROOM 22... DR. ERNEMAN AND WIFE

Excuse me a moment.

Help!

Hey, what are you doing?

Come back here!

Come in!

The mister and missus ordered tea.

Good morning.

You don't look too forgiving.
Are we going to argue?

I must admit I'm irritated
by your sudden trip to Copenhagen.

Am I not allowed
to use the national railways?

You're spying on me.

I want you back.

It's too late.

There are a thousand reasons
to continue our marriage.

There are a thousand reasons
to end this parody of a marriage.

Carl-Adam, of all people!

I can see how it would offend you
and your vanity.

You say I'm naive,
but what is Carl-Adam?

A truly adult male is rare,
my dear David...

so a woman chooses
the child that suits her best.

- A child with genitalia?
- Shame on you!

Besides, he's changed
these last few years.

And he's been very good to me
during this difficult time.

And now you're going to marry?

We just might.

Dear Lord! Carl-Adam
will be father to my children.

A better father than you've been.

That notorious lush!

He hasn't had a drop
since we met last spring.

Dear Lord in heaven!

Dear Lord!

First seating for dinner.

- Dear Lord...
- Stop rolling your eyes!

There's nothing more to add.

Give me another chance.

No.

You're naive, immature, egocentric,

mean, fickle, and thoughtless.

You've proven yourself
incompetent at marriage.

You're spoiled, lazy, and gullible.

- I'm definitely not lazy!
- Lazy as a father.

Marianne...

we're getting older.

I'll thank you
to speak for yourself!

We have our children.

That's a dumb thing to bring up.
You've certainly ignored them.

- There's our common past.
- Which is irrevocably past.

You keep interrupting me...

Because you use
such tired old arguments!

In the beginning
it was just you and me.

An enterprise for the future.

- Now in bankruptcy.
- We'll form a new one.

Our painful experiences
can be our starting capital.

Sometimes I wonder
if I ever loved you...

and that's very sad.

Loved me? Of course...

I mean... what is love anyway?

A strained grimace
that ends in a yawn.

What a cynical thing to say!

Your own words, dear David.

Rubbish.

Childish nonsense.

Let's not lose a single day,
a single night, a single hour.

Give me back your heart...

and I'll guard it like a sacred relic.

We'll never look back, never get stuck
in grayness or melancholy.

Marianne, my beloved...

may I kiss you?

I overheard your bet
with that salesman.

Kiss me and we'll win a tenner...

but I want half.

You're a devious one!

I didn't mean to...

I'll be damned!

I've almost lost faith in myself.
How did you do it?

It's my devastating sex appeal.

Short, skinny guys seem to be
the rage these days.

Here's your 10 kronor.
- Keep it.

Buy flowers for your wife,
the poor woman!

Marianne.

Don't get any ideas
from one silly kiss.

I'm firm in my decision.

Never ever again.

Never again what?

I don't know,
but never ever again!

- Shall we get a bite to eat?
- No, thank you.

A little chateaubriand
and a glass of wine?

Don't even try.

You once told me you loved me.
You remember that?

Yes, the "natural" stage.

- You were about to marry Carl-Adam.
- I said it's no use trying.

I can't be seduced, my good man.

Fifteen years ago.
A spring day in Copenhagen.

We'd been like three musketeers,
Marianne, Carl-Adam, and I.

To general dismay,
Carl-Adam proposed to Marianne,

and I think she accepted
out of pure astonishment.

And there we stood,
waiting for the bride.

David, something must have
happened to her, damn it!

Forgive me, Pastor.

Forgive me.
I'm very nervous.

- It's no surprise she's late.
- Really?

She has more to think about
than just her dress.

She has to reflect,
make peace with her past,

bid farewell to being a virgin.

Shut up! Can't you see
he's trying to comfort me?

Let's wait a bit longer.

Excuse us, Pastor.

David, my only friend...

could you take the car
and go get her?

Console her if she's upset.

You know you have
a calming influence.

She's taking a big step today...

and I'm not feeling too well either.

Hurry now.
We'll wait for you here.

I don't want to marry Carl-Adam.

I don't want to marry Carl-Adam!

What are you talking about?
The wedding's already started!

We can't just...
The pastor is...

I want to die!

Is there anything I can do?

I don't want to marry Carl-Adam!

But why?

Why?

I don't love him.

Isn't it a bit late
to realize that now?

If you came to scold me,
just leave.

He loves you.
You've been together for three years.

So I can't be tired
of that big buffalo?

Don't speak that way
about our friend!

You're just as dumb.

I don't understand any of this.

But I suspect you're trying
to tell me something.

Listen...

you remember
that sunny morning last winter...

when I was modeling
for Carl-Adam

and you came in
carrying a puppy?

Yes. What about it?

You remember
how you looked at me?

I saw you naked for the first time.

- It was so cute, the way you blushed.
- Well, damn it...

And Carl-Adam, the big buffalo,
laughed and said...

"This one's going to be
a gynecologist."

That was very embarrassing!
Why even bring it up?

You remember last summer?

There was an ant on me,
and you helped get it off.

Please don't talk about that.

It was an indiscretion.

I still feel ashamed
when I think of that... ant.

- You're a traitor.
- Me?

Yes, you!
And you're dumb, dumb, dumb!

We're going to the wedding
and ending this discussion!

I'd rather hang myself.

Marianne, get up
and get ready this instant!

We... you... me... him...

the pastor... all down the chute!

I love you, David Erneman.

I love you, Marianne.

I've loved you for over two years.

I have...

I feel like I'm going to cry.

- Hold this.
- We have to talk to Carl-Adam.

- He'll k*ll you.
- He has every right.

I'm his best friend,
and he's mine.

- We must have each other first.
- This isn't the best time.

First work, then play.

What character!

- I'm surprised myself.
- Kiss me.

- I am lost.
- Why do you say that?

It was a bachelor's last sigh.

This is for life, David.

For life, Marianne.

Dear Carl-Adam...

I can't tell you
how terribly sorry I am

to come here and spoil
your beautiful wedding.

It's doubly painful,
since we've been best friends.

But we love each other.

- "We" who?
- David and I.

Cheers
to the newly engaged couple!

My heartfelt congratulations!

I'm glad you're taking it so well.

- You were scared, you old fox.
- I can't deny it.

You, who are always so straitlaced.

I'm very surprised myself.

I understand.

I understand.

You're one very surprised
clean-living little man.

- Lout!
- Witch!

Compost heap!

You'd hit a lady? Sadist!

Now you're gonna get it!

Peace, my friends. Peace.

I said peace!

Who's been wronged here?
Who has justice on his side?

In my innocence
I've believed the best of everyone!

What innocence?

All the hussies you've had as models,
both vertically and horizontally!

- Pastor, I beg of you!
- You're a horny goat!

- Sow!
- Lecher!

I almost married that b*tch!

Pastor, I'm really a man of peace.

Kiss me
where the sun doesn't shine!

Has everybody seen
this mark on my thigh?

Peace, in God's name.

I got this when he made me
climb up the Christmas tree!

I protest!
It's all lies and propaganda!

You protest!

You need a kick in the backside,
you big tub of lard!

Sorry, Pastor.

I've been a housemaid
to that so-called genius for three years.

"Marianne do this.
Marianne do that.

Darn my socks.
This food's fit for a pig.

Get up and make some coffee.

It's an honor
for you to serve me,

the world's greatest sculptor.

I, who will someday sit
at God's right hand

and speak with Michelangelo."

I never said that!

Every last word of it!
You were drunk!

You're always drunk,
even at our wedding! Typical!

I was sober when it started!

Wasn't I, my dear friends?

You've never been sober,
and neither have your "dear friends"!

I've pressed your pants
for the last time,

and you've sketched
my magnificent bust for the last time!

I'll make "fine art" on your art,

your immortality, your boasting,

and your unbearably
idiotic manliness!

You hear me?

I'm sick to hell of your whining!

Who plucked you
out of the gutter?

Who made you world-famous
with his unique art? I did!

You're not worthy
of kissing my...

Forgive me, Pastor.
Of kissing my feet!

I gave you a home,
food, and drink.

I've been like a father to you!

You show only ingratitude...

but ingratitude
is the currency of this world.

I've nursed a snake at my breast!

Two damn snakes!

Get out of here...

or I'll k*ll you
and your fine friend there.

I'm taking every last thing
that's mine!

Take your plates and get out!

You'll pay for this,
you camel's hump!

Don't you think
that's enough fighting?

What a woman, my friends!

Let the party continue!
Hell, the bottles aren't empty.

Yes, help yourselves!

There'll be no more fighting.
We're done.

Don't just stand around!
There's plenty of food.

Pastor, have a seat.

Forgive me, brother.
I got a little worked up.

Now, then,
in the name of the Lord...

Tickets, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

How childish we were
to imagine it would last a lifetime.

It's the sad experience
of all lovers, Marianne:

the impossibility of eternal love.

If that's how you feel,

I don't see why you want
to prolong our marriage.

- I'm afraid.
- Oh, so you're afraid.

Shall I tell you
what you're afraid of?

You're starting to worry
about your selfish loneliness,

so you appeal to my motherliness
and compassion.

Perennial bachelorhood
starts to grate, huh?

Don't try anything sentimental.
It's a waste of energy.

Stop acting so damn superior.

You're in a bad way yourself.

Running off to Copenhagen
just shows your poor state of mind.

I'll never be a wife again.

I've played that role to death.

It's a bad role to begin with.

Go on being someone's mistress
till you're wrinkled and senile.

I'll begin every morning
with an aria to your beauty and grace.

At lunch I'll offer
a bouquet on my knees,

and every night I'll give my all
in the role of the passionate lover.

Let's see how long
you can stand that life!

Just once you could have
mentioned my beauty

or offered me a flower

or loved me
instead of your evening papers

and told me I was
the greatest lover in the world,

even though
we both know I'm not.

Why did we never play
and have fun with each other?

Can't one act out
a little comedy now and then?

Not in a country
where winter lasts 11 months

with a man who's ashamed
of his skinny arms

and his budding paunch.

One has no energy in an environment
as raw and oppressive as this.

Then I guess there's not much
we can do about it.

Listen to that bitterness!

I want us to live
in the real world.

I don't have the imagination
for your "comedy,"

for your makeup and perfume

and dancing the samba
in the living room.

What if the children saw us?

Yes, I know the children
have often come between us.

- Quite the opposite!
- No, no.

I've been too motherly,
and it made you jealous.

- Of the children? Never!
- Why not?

They took your lover away from you.

Now you've gone too far.

I want a home
with you and the kids.

Men can be so conventional.

Haven't our best times always been
when we were alone?

But I'm not that sort of man.

You're precisely that sort of man.

- No.
- Yes.

No.

Yes.

The hardest part will be telling
your parents about the divorce.

Yes, we can't keep up
appearances much longer.

They've been together for 50 years.

- I've often wondered...
- Me too.

Remember exactly a year ago?

Grandpa's birthday.

We were still happy then...

Waking up in the morning.

It's morning.

What time is it?

What time is it?

Good morning.
Just making sure you're up.

What's all this nonsense?

Must a 73-year-old man really
be brought breakfast in bed?

You know Father loves our way
of celebrating his birthday.

He got up at 3:00 this morning
to change and brush his teeth.

He enjoys seeing us suffer.
I'd bet on it.

Don't be childish.
Now hurry and get dressed.

Dear Lord! Am I 42 or not?

Here you're our little boy,

even if you're
the emperor of China.

Try to be nice today.

You hear?

You know how happy they are
that we're here.

Grandma says to wear a dress
and put flowers in my hair!

Do as Grandma says, sweetie.

Pelle will tease me all day!

- You're so pretty in a dress.
- Pretty? I look stupid!

Nix, if you wear the dress,
I'll wear the flowers in my hair.

If the child just had
a little sense of humor!

Like you with Grandma
a moment ago.

Grandma, look at this nice drawing
I made for Grandpa.

Oh, that's very nice!
What is it exactly?

Can't you tell?

Now I see it's Grandpa
in a swim cap and underpants.

No, it's the Phantom
chasing werewolves in the jungle!

Is that right?

Nix, you have a spot
on your dress!

- It's from Tax.
- On your new dress!

When will you learn to be careful?

When will you stop
acting like a boy?

I don't want to be a girl!

I don't want to celebrate
a birthday or wear a dress!

I just want to sit
in the apple tree!

Stop laughing at me!

- Kids!
- He started it!

Be nice!
If you want to fight, go outside!

Don't tell them that!

Take this, Pelle.
And you take that.

No, Nix will carry that.

No, I'll take that. Here.

- It's hot!
- No, it's not. Don't be a sissy.

- Carry these too.
- Come on.

Sam, you have to come sing
for the professor.

As you wish, ma'am,

but I was going to get
the car ready for the picnic.

No, you brought a present,
so you have to take part too.

I'll take the roses,

and Sam will take the tray.

You can carry the cake,
because the tray's heavy.

Come on, everyone.

No shoving, kids.

If a single flower may bring joy
on your special day

We have the honor to say

Long may he live!

May he live to be 100 years old!

Happy 73rd, little Henrik.

Happy birthday, Grandpa.

Happy birthday.

What all this damn racket!

Is there a fire or something?

Look at this beautiful cake.

Why do you mock an old man

who's teetering
on the edge of the grave?

Congratulate each other instead.

Very funny, Henrik.
Try to be nice now.

I'm very touched.

I put up with this little annoyance
for Grandma's sake.

I know how she loves
celebrations.

Why, I believe you got up
and changed your nightshirt.

Well, I.. uh... I couldn't sleep.

I think a fresh nightshirt
feels a bit cooler.

You can sit in front.
Let Mom get in first.

You can sit in front.

Nix, you can sit here
on the way back.

- Everyone happy?
- Well, let's go.

Stop! Are you wearing
your long johns?

Uh... yes.

You're fibbing.
You have short drawers on.

Can't we refrain
from discussing this

in front of the children,
the grandchildren, and the help?

Let me see.
Roll up your trousers.

All right!
I have short drawers on!

But it's my birthday.

And tomorrow you'll suffer
and whine incessantly.

Change immediately
or I'm not coming along.

But it's my birthday!

You heard what I said.
Go on, now.

Run along. Hurry up.

Your thin ones
are in the second drawer.

Nix, run along
and help Grandpa,

or he'll tip over
the chest of drawers.

Look how the child runs!

When will she learn
to act like a lady?

All this nonsense
over some long johns!

Wait, Grandpa. Here they are.

Thank you, sweetie.

So... how do you like staying
with Grandma and Grandpa?

Grandma keeps telling me
to act more like a girl.

Don't worry, Nix.

Grandma is a great one
for reforming people.

So what do you want to become?

- A polar explorer.
- Well, I must say!

- There are no people there.
- You dislike people that much?

They all want to put you down.

Oh, that's all part of it.

Grandpa,
aren't you afraid of dying?

No, not in the least.

Do you believe in God?

If by God you mean
everything that is life, then yes.

I believe in this life,

the next life,
and all kinds of lives.

What about death?

Death is just
a small part of life.

Imagine how boring it would be
if everything were always the same.

Death is there
to give rise to new life...

for all eternity.

Imagine how awful
it would be for me

to walk around in long johns
for 100,000 years!

You make it sound so simple,

but when I'm alone,
it's horrible and complicated.

It's understandable that a child
would be afraid and worried.

It's only
when you get old like me

that you figure out how to read
life's instruction manual.

Why must it be like that?

Everything has a beginning,
a development, and a conclusion.

Perhaps this life
is just a beginning.

Let's go join the others.

- Grandpa.
- Let's hurry, or Grandma will complain.

I wanted to give you
your present in private.

I made it myself.

Sam, you must get the car started!

The professor
will be beside himself.

It's worse than if I were ill.

Hurry! Here he comes.

What are we to do?
- Has something happened?

You all look like you have ulcers.

Don't be angry,
but the car won't start,

and Sam can't figure out why.

Is that all?
Let me have that wrench.

The whole birthday is ruined!

Calm down.
They might figure it out.

- David will assist me.
- He's going to operate!

I suspect an abscess
in the carburetor.

Take that!

And that!

And that!
- Here too.

I'll give you a drink
you'll never forget.

If you don't come back to life,

then all we can do
is sign the death certificate.

I'd recommend rest in a garage
for a month or two.

She's given up the ghost.

The end came quickly.

We have no other choice.
We'll have to stay home.

Ladies, I'm afraid we have
to cancel our excursion.

Sam, you did an outstanding job.

The car's breakdown
looked totally realistic.

But your wife will be disappointed.

Let me tell you two something.

For 49 birthdays...

I've suffered through picnics
in the great outdoors.

Only now, in later years,
have I figured out the solution.

Have the car break down.

I have a brilliant idea!

Sam?
- Yes, madam.

Harness the horses.

We'll go by carriage
like in our youth.

Isn't that a marvelous idea?
- Right away, ma'am.

Grandpa will have the picnic
he's been so eagerly awaiting!

Isn't that delightful, Henrik?

Yes... just delightful.

- Do you still love me?
- That's a dumb question.

- Answer.
- I love you.

As much as 15 years ago?

More.

- What if that stopped one day?
- Why would it stop?

Don't you ever get attracted
to all your beautiful patients?

My dear Marianne, are you jealous?

Just answer my question.

- No one's as beautiful as you.
- A compliment!

I mean it.

No one smiles like you, has such
wonderful skin, or smells so nice.

Yes, but what if?

I'm too lazy!

When you have it this good,
you don't stumble into the unknown.

Sometimes I get afraid.

One can't be as happy as I've been.

- You could fall in love too.
- Would you be jealous?

Terribly.

When you're away from me,
just for the day or on a short trip,

I feel empty inside.

It's like I get small and gray

and everything around me withers up.

Isn't that strange?

What do you desire most of all?

That things stay as they are...

that nothing change.

And that...

Tell me.

Couldn't we have another baby?

Just a little tiny one.

It won't be the slightest bother.
I promise.

It would be so much fun.

Marianne, you and I... we...

Sometimes my body
just aches for a baby.

Imagine the smell.

Imagine holding that wriggling life

and letting it nuzzle up
and nibble at the breast.

I get goose bumps
just talking about it.

- If you had your way, we'd have 10.
- What's wrong with that?

Where would my lover be then?

You're sweet anyway.

And what would you like most of all?

- Don't laugh.
- I promise.

I'd like a diving bell

so I could dive for sunken treasure
in tropical waters

and do battle
with sharks and squid.

I see!

You couldn't help laughing.

And where would I be
in that great adventure?

Oh, you'd come along...

and help on deck.

My boy is blushing!

You have a way of laughing!

What are you doing?

I love you.

I've always loved you.

I'll always love you.

Amen.

Malmö Central.

It's easy to sit on a train and say,
"We're getting a divorce.

Thanks for the last 15 years,
but now it's over. Good-bye."

You didn't waver.

I didn't know I lacked
the ruthlessness to go through with it.

It's always about you!
I lacked that ruthlessness,

but you've taught me.

I'm not taking
the remorseful sinner back.

I've taken my life and the kids' lives
into my own hands.

I don't need you anymore.

- We need each other just like before.
- You're wrong.

I'm a big girl now.
I decide who I'll play with.

That damned Carl-Adam!

Hello, my girl!

Hello, my girl!

How I've thought of you
and yearned for you!

Some vegetables for you.
You look surprised.

We were to meet in Copenhagen!

But you wired me!
Have you forgotten?

My husband's with me.

He's here too? I guess he is.
I hardly recognized him.

You're looking a bit haggard,
old man!

We ran into each other
on the train.

And oddly enough,
he's going to Copenhagen too.

What a wonderful thought!

Wife, lover, and husband
bobbing on the wide strait!

Come, my friends.

You can carry that.

Cheers.

Marianne says you've stayed sober
for several days in a row.

Yes, I haven't had a drop since...
When the hell was it?

- I'm very impressed.
- Sure, but tonight's a party.

Cheers, David, my old friend.

Cheers, my girl.

So you came back after all.

Women are realists.
They like strong men.

I have big muscles!
Just try me.

I meant strong in spirit.

Yes, of course.

You create immortal works of art
that will be unearthed in 2,000 years.

People will say,
"This is a quintessential Carl-Adam."

You're being sarcastic,
but you're right.

Women love great artists.
Right, Marianne?

What? Yes, of course, darling.

Carl-Adam, you're perfect,
at one with your own power.

Exactly.

Some people are at 50%.
I'm at 95% at least.

Speaking of which,
how about another drink?

Cheers.

- The ship's rolling.
- Are you getting seasick?

Me? Are you crazy?

Excuse me.

He's an old sailor, that one.

Good-bye, David,
and thanks for the company.

Marianne's a little tired from her trip.
I'm sure you understand.

Certainly, Carl-Adam.

Thanks for the company.
It was very nice.

- Good-bye, David.
- Good-bye, Marianne.

- Good-bye, David.
- Good-bye, Carl-Adam.

As we said...

Yes, as we said.
Good-bye, David.

Shall we have a good-bye drink?

It's not every day a man hands
his wife over to his best friend.

Returns her, my brother.
It's Marianne's decision.

No, you decide.

We mustn't detain David too long.

He may have lots to do
in Copenhagen.

Maybe a drink isn't
such a bad idea after all.

But it has to be
a real seedy place.

I want to experience
something exciting...

a bit immoral...

a bit on the wild side!

- I don't understand women.
- Me neither.

Driver?

The harbor.

- I hear you're getting married.
- Married?

You think we're crazy?
Who mentioned marriage?

I believe Marianne did.

Marianne's an independent woman.
Not the bourgeois type at all.

- Is my wife here?
- No, she's not.

That's convenient,
since you like to play the field.

It's not "playing the field"!
Only impotent men are faithful,

and their wives are quick
to cheat on them.

Cheers!

Shall we dance?

- We haven't danced in 10 years.
- Then it's about time.

Fix the man in the glasses
a Galloping Volcano.

I'll have a bottle of whiskey.
Quickly.

- Carl-Adam!
- Lise!

It's been a while!

My God, Lise!
You get prettier every year.

But business is bad.

It was different back in our time.

Listen...

you have to help me
with something.

See the man over there
with the glasses?

- And the long nose?
- The one dancing.

- He's very attractive.
- He has no manners.

He's seducing my fiancée.

You're engaged?

No! Quiet down, now!

I want you to get him
out of the way.

He's very shy,
so I ordered him a Volcano.

His name is David.

Answer me honestly.

How did you know
I was going to Copenhagen?

I got Sam to spy on you.

And you wired Carl-Adam too?

Why?

I'm not leaving you alone
for five minutes...

even if I have to share your bed.
- Are you crazy?

What's going on with you?
- Dancing gets me so excited.

David! Didn't you see me?

It's great to see you!

It's been such a long time.
- What?

Kiss your little Lise.

How nice that David
found some company too.

Don't you think?

Seems to be an old acquaintance.

Aren't you thirsty, David?

I know!
You're a patient of mine.

You might put it that way.

What do you do?
What's your occupation?

I'm a teacher.

Really?

Do you want a lesson?

What do you teach?

Love, of course.

What did you think?

I wonder how Marianne's doing.

I'm a big idiot!
You know that? Cheers.

Cheers, as you say.

- It wasn't that strong.
- No, it's medicine.

- A love potion, right?
- Yes, it's good.

Another.

It was very, very good.

Can I get the recipe?

Makes my knees feel toasty!

Now I've lost my glasses.
Why did I do that?

I have a tiny critter on my neck.

You're cuter without glasses.

My girl...

you're one hell of a beauty!

But you shouldn't wear your hair up.

It should cascade over
your gorgeous shoulders like rapids.

Shall we dance?

I have a little critter on my neck.

Shall we dance?

No?

Yes.

- Kiss me, David.
- What's that?

Kiss me, David!

I have to take my jacket off first.
Clear the way!

I'm now going to kiss
Denmark's most beautiful girl!

Not even King Frederick could object!

Out of my way!
I need lots of room.

Hi there!

The police are coming!

Let go of me!

I'll k*ll her!

Let me go!

How could you kiss that disgusting,
obnoxious, vulgar ape?

And right before my eyes!

I see what your promises are worth,
all your words on the train.

You're an unfaithful, ruthless,
egotistical, lying brute!

I should wring your neck!
- Darling, are you jealous?

Jealous, my foot!
Don't touch me!

I'm so cold and upset!

If there were water nearby,
I'd drown myself!

There's plenty of water to the right.

But first I'm going to slap you!

- Stop bawling!
- I'm not bawling! I'm mad!

My darling Marianne,
what a day we've had!

What a night!

I'm exhausted too.
That's why I'm bawling.

There, there...

I've looked for you two
all over the damned city!

Everything's ready.

Where are we going?

Drive.

David, you scoundrel!
Were you that sure of yourself?

A good strategy must account
for all possibilities.

DO NOT DISTURB!

SILENCE!
A LESSON IN LOVE