09x05 - Another Spoon

[bunniefuu]

(Taskmaster theme music)

- Hello!

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

It's episode five and I'm raring to go.

Look at me I'm raring,
I've just had a massive coffee.

My insides are bubbling,
I have no idea what might happen.

I'm genuinely having a panic att*ck.

So, before I pass out,

let's quickly meet our five contestants,
and get on with the show.

Please give a huge round of applause for:

David Baddiel

Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Not Katy Wix

And Rose Matafeo.

(Applause)

And within perfect swiping reach is a man

who's the living definition of wishy-washy.

Because he washes my dishes,
and he wishes he could meet his hero,

the singer Pink.

(Laughter)

It's little Alex Horne.

- I think she's a great singer,
and a good role model.

Thank you, Greg.

- Now, keener eyes would have observed

that the lovely Katy Wix is not with us tonight.

And it falls upon Alex to explain why.

- Well, very sadly Katy Wix has uh,

(Laughter)

No, Katy um--
- Do you want me to take over?

She's not dead, just to be clear.

Katy is not very well, I'm afraid.

But, she's getting better already,

and she'll join us later in the series.

But in the meantime, we've been rejoined

by an absolute champion.

- She's the winner of series seven of Taskmaster,

it's Kerry Godliman.
- Kerry Godliman!

(Applause)

- So excited, so excited.

- Kerry, thank you for stepping in.

- I'm very happy to be here.

- I'm sure you will inhabit...

project Katy Wix?

- Inhabit, inhabit.

- I'm sure you'll inhabit Katy Wix!

Okay, what is the prize category this week?

- Now you're asking, and the answer

is that they've been asked to bring in
the best defunct thing.

- Defunct.
- So things that, although defunct, are the best.

Right?
- Right.

Rose, what is your defunct item?

- My defunct item is

a sharps bin,

filled with used syringes from my flat mate.

- Here it is.

- Is your flat mate a heroin addict?

- No she has arthritis.

- I mean, keep it light Rose.

- In what way is it a defunct thing?

- You can't reuse the bin,

you can't reuse the syringes,
it has to be literally

you know, "psshaah".

- What's that?

- There's no doubt that that bin has to be "psshaah".

- Thanks, thanks for getting us off to such a fluffy...

light entertainment start.

Jo,

what defunct item have you brought in?

- It is a

Margaret Thatcher nut cr*cker.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- I mean, I have so many questions.

Is it defunct?

- Yeah, well she's defunct for starters.

Also I think, you know

people don't really cr*ck nuts anymore.

That's the sense in which I think it's defunct.

Because you could just buy nuts in a bag.

- You still can buy nuts in a shell.

- I've cracked a nut before.

- Christmas you always cr*ck a nut, right?

- Do you?

- My granddad used to be able to cr*ck a walnut,
just with his hand.

- No.
- Yeah.

Other than that, wasn't a very nice man.

- Keep it light, keep it light.

(Laughter)

- Kerry.
- Yes.

- What did Katy bring in?

And can you fill a minute talking about it?

- Well,

actually it just so happens
that I have got strong feelings

about what Katy brought in,
so that's fortunate.

She has brought in
a five pound Woolworths voucher.

- There it is.

- Oh, that's great.

- I have no idea why that caused such excitement.

- I think you do.

- And that wasn't one person, that was "Oohhhhhh".

- Because there are people of a certain age
that are still grieving.

- Really?

- You could buy all kinds of things,

you could buy clothes,
you could buy gardening equipment.

Pick 'n' mix, I mean pick 'n' mix
it's gone, it's gone.

- Yeah, because I like my sweeties with a thin coating

of multiple layers of piss.

- Who's pissing in the pick 'n' mix in your house?

- They did a test didn't they, on mints.

There was 400 types on piss on the mint.

- I didn't know there were that many types of piss.

- Ahh, it was inaccurate, sue me.

(Laughter)

- Edward, what have you brought in?

- I have brought

an extensive guide to the Millennium Dome.

It's got a map, which as you would agree
is completely defunct,

'cause I tried to use it to get round the O2
and it was absolutely useless.

- Where did you get it,
did you buy it?

- I ordered it on eBay, it was £18.

- What?
- It's a collectable.

- Well, is it?
'Cause when it arrived I was pretty disappointed.

- David, what's the defunct thing you've brought in?

- Right well, this is what I've brought in.

That's a lovely picture of me

with my cat Monkey,
that was taken a couple of years ago.

And this is Monkey now.

- [Audience] Awwww.

- Keep it light!

- That's a very top quality photograph

you've had taken with you and Monkey, isn't it?

- That's an interview I did
in the Daily Telegraph,

about me and Monkey.

- I mean honestly,

it looks like Monkey's being held against his will there.

- Hostage situation, likely.

- Okay, we're looking for best defunct,
what is the worst defunct?

- Well the worst defunct thing for me,

is a bin full of old syringes.

Oh my God,

I mean I can't now imagine that I'm giving

your Millennium thing an extra point,
over a bin full of--

- No, because if you look at--
if you look at best and worst objectively,

a guide to the Millennium Dome
is a better thing than a box full of syringes.

- Better, I mean I don't think I'm better,
or the most defunct thing.

- No it's not most defunct thing,
it's best defunct thing.

- Best defunct thing.

- So they're all defunct,
and how do we rank them then.

- No that's, that's crazy.

- That's language!
- That's crazy!

(Applause)

- So one point to Rose,
are we going two points...

- To Ed.
- Fourth place.

- I'm gonna give three points to Jo Brand.

I'm going to give Kerry/Katy four points.
- Four points.

- And in first place

with five points,

just because I believe it had an unhappy life

of being held against its will.

I have to do it for...
what was his name?

- David Baddiel.
Oh Monkey!

(Laughter)

- Five points and first place
goes to the spirit of poor Monkey.

(Applause)

Lovely, right let's get on with the show proper,
young Horne.

- Yes, let's please.
Yeehaw!

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- That's so sinister.

- Hello, I've got a helmet on.

- It looks really scary.

- "Lasso Alex."

- "Lasso Alex."

Lasso, 'lassoo'?

That's a 'lassoo', lasso.

- "Lasso Alex."

- "You must stand behind this line, at all times. "

- "Fastest wins, your time starts now."
Fastest what?

- Is there a top line?

- Oh, "Lasso Alex."

- Do you just chuck it?

Or do you like, do this? (Laughs)

That was a sh*t laugh.

(Applause)

- Should probably dig into the old 'lassoo, lasso' thing...

- Ohhhh, rather not.

- That a New Zealand thing?

- Well, we don't-- yeah...

- Do you want to see some lassoing?

- Yeah, come on.

- Okay, we're gonna start with someone,
with the star sign of Pisces,

- Me.
- And me.

- It's Katy Wix.

- I'll just do a trial one.

Maybe I'll just try chucking it like this.

Needs to be longer.

Oh, I know what you do,

you get it going, and then you slowly let it out,

and then...

Ahh.

(Laughter)

Can I make this bigger?

- That's a lot bigger.

- Can you put your head forward?

Okay, ready?
- Yes.

- Can you lean forward a bit more?

Yeah, that's great.

Ohh, nearly.

Head forward again, please.

That's great.

(Applause)

- Best of luck, Kerry.
- I don't know how I'm gonna defend that.

- You've got to try and talk yourself into
even half a point.

- I don't know what to say, it was awful.

(Laughter)

You do the thing, I've seen the--

you hoik it, you get all of it involved.

and then you go wallop!
That's how you do it.

(Applause)

- You go wallop, you always go wallop.

- If only we had the bosh queen there.

- She should have called me.

- Right, it's time for me to palm you off
on some dirty old adverts now.

And get Alex Horne to reply to all the fan letters I've received,

weirdly from Terence Trent D'Arby.

Bye bye, see you in a minute.

- Oh there's quite a few.

(Applause)

(Applause)

- Hello!

You're back, and I'm so glad.

- Yes, and I'm so Alex Horne, it's not even funny.

Before the break, the lovely contestants
were taking it in turns to lasso me.

Now it's the turn of Ed, Rose and Jo.

- When did you last eat?
- Nine o'clock.

- It's gonna be a while till your next meal.

- Glad you put that visor on.
- Hmm.

- God dammit.

- Just thinking I might move that line.

- Very low, that one.

I don't think this is proper cowboy rope.

- Can I just move it forward?

(Applause)

- Yeehaw!

I'm a cowboy!

- You're a lot closer.

- Ta-daaaa.
- Thanks, Jo.

- Turns out I am sh*t at lasso,
don't look at your watch.

(Audience laughter)

- Yeehaw.

- Thank you, Rose.
- Thank you.

- Stop the clock.

- Come on.

(Applause)

- Can we just answer Ed's question,
it is genuine-- what did you call it?

- Cowboy rope.
- Cowboy rope, I wrote that down.

"I don't even think this is proper cowboy rope."

- It wasn't, it was too sticky for cowboy rope.

It was very sticky rope!

- It was a genuine ranch lasso,

with leather, reinforced honda, waxed.

- You'll notice that Jo Brand,

read the task and then did not move.

Until she worked out a system that involved

basically no movement.

- I was doing what I thought was called lateral thinking.

- Classic Taskmaster stuff.
- We all did that in the end actually.

- Yeah, I did it in the worst way possible though.

- You say we all did it in the end,

you realised you could move the line,

but thought "I won't move it too close."

(Laughter)

- I, I have no defence for that.

- So, tell me some stuff.

- Yeah, well first of all to say that Jo is right,
it didn't say you can't move the line.

So, you can move the line,
the same in darts.

She did it in 80 seconds.

Rose moved the line after one minute,

but then took another minute and 20 seconds.

- So more than half her time
was after she moved the line?

- So, we've got first and second so far,

baring in mind Katy took seven and a half minutes.

Ed, nine and a half minutes.

- If only we had the right rope!

Who is next?

- Here's Uncle Dave.

- Yeeeeeeeehaw!

Uhh, there's another way round this.

Bit better, with the spoon.

- Yeah.

- I have to do the spoons idea.

Ready?
- I'm ready.

- Ahhh!

(Audience laughter)

I'll be honest, the spoons haven't helped.

Okay, can you put your head through here when it comes?

It's definitely coming now.

Ahh!

Ahh.

Ahhh!

Can you crouch?

- Do you mean like, kneel?
- No, well kneel if you like.

You don't have to pray.

Okay now just--
No, no, no stay down.

Right, go down a bit more.

Bit more, bit more, bit more.

Okay now just sort of jiggle a bit.

That's it, keep jiggling.

That's it.

Good.

Stay there.

- I feel like a pig.
- Stay there.

(Applause)

- I feel really bad about what I said about Katy now.

- David I would argue, that there is not

one other person on the planet,
who would think that

the way to improve your chances at lassoing something,

is to tie wooden spoons to the lasso.

- I mean, I honestly thought
that was the way forward.

- But the clues were there Dave,

why didn't you stop at two spoons?

It's just, to get inside David's mind when he goes:

"I'm gonna put another spoon on."

- Do you want to know how long he took?

- Yeah, what is my time, I'm interested.

- You took slightly longer
then all four of the others combined.

(Laughter)

- Go David, that's great!

- 24 minutes, 24.
- 24 minutes, right.

- Okay, well it's the usual,
then we've got two points to--

-- Ed.
- Fair enough.

- Three points to Katy and Kerry,

four points to Rose,
but five points to Jo Brand!

(Applause)

- Good, scoreboard now, you.

- Ed is in last place with four,

but the leader at this point

for the first time I think,
is Jo Brand with eight points.

(Applause)

- Right, what's next little Alex Horne?

- It's breakfast time for daddy.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Hello, Alex.
- Oh hello, David.

- May I?
- Yes please.

- Mother may I?
- Mmm hmm.

- It always seems a shame
to break these nice seals.

- "Make the most accurate and inventive egg timer."

- "You have 10 minutes to plan your egg timer,

"and then 20 minutes to make your egg timer.

"After which, Alex will boil and egg

"for as long as your egg timer lasts."

- "The Taskmaster likes his eggs runny,

"but not too runny."

- Hmm, does he indeed.

- "You may not use any preexisting timing devices."

Does that include like, a watch?

- Yes, exactly.
- You can't look at a watch?

It says "Your time starts now",
which is ironic,

given what we've just said.

- I think I'm gonna use water.

I need to get the right amount of water,

so it's six minutes of dripping onto your head.

- So that is Chinese water t*rture.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- What's something that only lasts two minutes?

A mint!

- How long does it take me to read a page
of The Big Fisherman book.

"It was a calm, early summer noon
in the southern mountains of Arabia."

- I need a pin,

or a sharp object.

- Could you also get me a birthday cake?

- Two glass vases.

- A butchers hook.

- Maltesers.

- Can I get a birthday card, just in case?

- You've got one second left.
(Blows whistle)

(Laughter and applause)

- My instinct is to ridicule David,

for asking if a watch is a timing device.

But I shan't.
- Oh.

- Something else caught my attention,

Well there's two things,
one (laughs)

timing how to cook an egg

by reading one page of The Big Fisherman.

But don't worry,
you were saved when Rose announced,

that she was going to use a mint.

Famously used

in international time trials.

Who can forget when Roger Bannister

broke the four-mint mile.

(Laughter and applause)

- So first we're gonna see David again.

We've all seen how he goes about things,

and none of us understand it.
Here he goes again!

- Oh bollocks, right,
that's alright, that's alright.

I'm just trying to make it look nice.

Oh f*ck!

Hold it, hold it.

Bollocks.

(Suspenseful music)

(Laughter)

- It stopped.

It stopped, mmm hmm.

(Applause)

- So, let's start with a positive,
I thought it looked the part.

I thought it looked like
a well-engineered piece of kit.

I don't know what went wrong.

My feeling is, you were under the impression,

that any amount of sand

falling through any hole,

will always be three minutes.

- I seem to remember, I spent quite a lot of time

trying to work out the exact amount of sand.

- Yes, you did some experiments,
- Yeah.

- They didn't work.
- Okay.

- It took the same time as it takes
to cook a three pound lobster,

18 minutes and four seconds.

- Good, David invented a lobster timer.

Okay, time for some commercials.

Bye!

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello, here we are again.

All of us just having a lovely old time.

- I always worry that I might have peaked,
but I haven't peaked.

Just to recap,

They've been trying to make the best egg timer,

without using any timing devices.

Now we're gonna look at the Ed timer.

- I want you to be the timing device.

I want you to put a Malteser in your mouth

every second for six minutes.

- Every second?
- Every second.

- That's 360 Maltesers.

- Oh, no we'll change it up every minute.

And we'll dress you as an egg.

(Audience laughter)

- That's huge.

Oh, it's pale.

(Applause)

He's not happy.

- What are you not happy with, mate?

- I gave very clear instructions,

to eat one of those things every second.

and that would have been exactly six minutes,

which is the perfect soft boiled egg.

So he must have lagged behind
on the eating speed.

- Oh.
- (Snorts)

I did one item every four seconds.
Which is not bad.

- You did it four times as long as I specified.

- It's impossible.
- One, two, three

four, five, six, seven.

- They've got to go somewhere,
they've got to go somewhere.

- It's not rocket science, mate.

- It took 28 seconds longer than David's,

18 minutes and 32 seconds.

We're gonna see how Katy got on next.
Here we go.

It's quite a big egg timer.

- Yeah well, it's quite-- it's quite a big egg.

Look it's twitching.

- Okay.
- Alright?

Good.

- Thank you for your egg timer.
- Thank you.

- Woooo, it's cold!

Oh my God!

It's like I'm being stamped in the head.

There is a bit of give,

but I wouldn't call it runny.

(Applause)

- Best so far, though.

- It was the best egg so far, you're right.

- And now how did you enjoy
the Chinese tap t*rture?

- No, it was horrible.

- I can see you were genuinely distressed.
- Yeah, I was.

- I don't mind telling you it game me
a weird happy feeling in my tummy.

- Can I ask some questions about Katy's choices?

Umm, why did we need the fish?

- I think that it was just a bit of finesse.

But now that you've brought it up,
I feel like I'm gonna mark Katy down.

- No, no, no.
No.

- It was very inventive.

It was very inventive.
I think, push that.

- It was really inventive.

- It was the same system as David's really,
but just slightly better ex*cuted.

- Well, that's not very nice,
I didn't f*cking t*rture you.

(Laughter)

- Do you want to see Rose's attempt?

- Dear Alex,

- I'm not the Taskmaster.

- Oh, it's Taskmaster, sh*t.

- Oh, lovely.

- It's my egg timer.

- It's a lovely egg timer.
- Thanks, enjoy it.

- "Dear Taskmaster, here are some instructions.

"Bring a pot of water to the boil.

"Reduce to simmer.

"Then place your egg into pot.

"Light all five candles on the cake.

"When most of the candles

"burn out to be flush with the cake top,

"take your egg and place it in cold, cold water."

Most of the candles are flush with the cake.

He likes it runny, but not too runny.

- [Audience] Oohhhhhh.

- Happy egg day.

(Applause)

- Does it say a lot about me
that my first thought was

she'll be making him eat that whole cake in five minutes.

(Laughter)

- You know your way around a boiled egg don't you?

- I do.
- I'll tell you why it's because that noise,

That "Oohhhh", is the sound

of a room full of adults...

being excited by a boiled egg.

I didnt' know the ice thing.

- Yeah, it stops it cooking, it stops it cooking.

- I mean really Rose, genuinely impressive.
- Ah, thanks.

One more.
- Okay finally, because she's

the only one we've not seen yet,
it's Jo Brand.

I'll put the egg in the cold water.

"Just before it's boiling, call Jo Brand."

- (Jo sings) "And did those feet

"in ancient time

"walk upon England's

"mountains green?

"And was the holy

"Lamb of God

"in England's pleasant

"pastures seen?"

(Audience laughter)

"And was Jerusalem

"builded here

"among these dark

"satanic mills?"

(Yells) Neeeeeeeeehhhhh

- [Audience] Ohhhhhh.

- It's runny.

I don't think it's too runny.

(Applause)

- That looked like a pretty sweet egg, to me.

And how wonderful, after all these years

for you to find

the missing William Blake lyric.

- The one that went "neehh neh nehh"!

(Laughter)

- I don't know what you want to do points wise.

- Well it's pretty obvious isn't it?
- Oh.

- We'll give Ed one point.

Two to David, three to Katy.

And I'm gonna award a top spot,
- Yes.

- To the egg that I visually approved of,

the greatest.

And that, was Jo Brand's.

- So, it's another five points to Jo Brand.

(Applause)

- One more task, just one more.

- Yes, but shhhh please.

Heads down, not talking.
Thank you.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Oh, hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- There's a nice man in here, Jo.

- We don't know if he's nice yet.

- He looks nice.
- Oh yeah, you look nice.

Nice hair.
- Lovely hair, yeah.

- Should we spit out our chewing gum?

- We've all got chewy--
- I swallowed mine, sorry.

- You swallowed yours?
- Seven years bad luck.

I know.
- Not it's not that it's just--

- Would either of you want to take this?

- May I?
- You may.

- Thank you.

- "Get to know this person.

"You will be tested on your knowledge of this person,
in 10 minutes time.

"You may not write anything down, or leave the lab..."

Oh it's a memory thing, which is bad for us.

- "You must take it in turns to ask completely different questions."

- "The person will tell the truth, lie, then brag

"in that order,
but not necessarily starting with the truth. "

- "The person will tell the truth,

"lie, then brag in that order,

"but not necessarily starting with the truth."

- What's the final like on the task?

- Uhh "your task starts now."

(Applause)

- It's all about them creating a system,
the teams.

- Oh yeah?
- To cr*ck the code.

Do you want to see their revision process?

- Yes please.
- Here it is.

- I would like to see their revision process.
- The revision process, here we go.

- I'm gonna ask him if he's sitting on a chair,

to see if he's telling the truth or not.

- Okay.
- So, are you sitting on a chair?

- No.

- Okay, great.

Okay, so the next will be a brag.

- What's your name?
- Carlos Edwards.

- Carlos Edwards.

- What do you do?

- I'm a modern day Jesus Christ.

- That sounds like a brag to me.
- I think that's true.

- What's your name?

- It's Gareth Simon Calian.

Which is, probably the best name you can imagine.

- So, now it's the truth.

May I ask, what do you do for a living?

- I'm a professional magician.

- What's your job?

- I'm training to be a doctor.

- Did you go to university?

- I didn't, but I've learned a hell of a lot more in life

then I would have ever learned at university.
- Great brag.

- You're always truth.
- Thank you.

- What's your greatest fear?

- The deep ocean.

As in, being plonked right in the middle of the ocean.

- Being plonked in the middle of it.

- How old are you?

- Nearly 40.

- Have you ever had any therapy?

- You're really getting to know me there.

- I'm just doing my task.

- Do you live in a flat?

- I live in a three storey house, on a farm.

- Do you live with some farmers?
- No.

- Do you farm?
- Yes.

- He's a doctor and a farmer?
- Yes.

- So there's some lying that's gone on.

- I've never seen someone on a tractor
looking that out of gear.

- Have you worked out a system yet, you two?

- Is there a system?
Are we meant to know the system?

- Yeah we are, but we're not using it.

Have you ever been in a play?

- Do you get on with your parents?

- You're getting to the deep stuff.
- Yeah, well.

- Have you ever been to Penge?

- Umm yes.

- Do you have a library card?
- Yes.

- What do you do?

- I'm a magician.

- Uhh, that sounds true to me.
- Yeah.

- So what is it? Truth,
- Lie, brag.

- 20 seconds left.

- Do you have any tattoos?

- Yes, I do have tattoos.

- What's your best trick?

- My best trick is a stage trick,

where-by I end up taking my clothes off.

I'm on stage wearing women's underwear.

- I think that's not true.

- Is that a brag?
- It's a strange brag.

(Whistle blows.)

- Please leave the lab
and head over to the exam area.

- It was only really, really late in the day

that I realised we were supposed to have a system.

Cheers.

- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure to meet you Gareth Simon Calian.

- That's odd that you know my full name.

- Goodbye magician.

- So we were supposed to actually
find out real stuff about him.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- It seemed to me Jo,
you worked out there was supposed to be a system

fairly early on, and chose not to pursue one.

- I just wanted to try and guess instinctively,

to see if I had the power.

- I like Katy's way.

She was like "have you had therapy?
Do you like your mum?"

- I mean, she really got stuck into it, didn't she?

And he looked genuinely uncomfortable.

- Totally he was, he was kinda like
"I kinda revealed too much of myself."

- I thought I was gonna come here,

and someone was gonna ask me
if I'd ever been to f*cking Penge.

(Laughter)

There's an exam coming up,
in the final part of the show.

Plus, someone will win the powdered remains

of David Baddiel's dead cat, Monkey.

Yes please!

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
for the umpteenth time.

- Well, it's the 275th time actually.

That's not including the first ever hello,

as that wasn't a welcome back,
that was just a welcome.

Before the break, the two teams
have been swotting up for an exam,

on our mysterious guest.

And now it's time for that exam.
Good luck, teams.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Hello, mate!
- Ohh.

- Shh, please have a seat.

Please have a seat.

- You're a bit high up.

- You're a bit low down.

Welcome to the exam.

You may confer,

- Okay.
- but I will then only accept your first answer.

The exam will last a maximum of 10 minutes,

from now.

Question one, what is your name?

- Gareth Simon Calian.

- What is the person's name?

- Gareth Simon Calian.

- Well, he gave us one name,
which was Carlos Edwards.

It's the only time he gave us a name.
- Yeah, let's use that then.

Carlos
- Edwards.

- What is your occupation?

- I am a professional magician.

- I think he is a magician.
- I agree.

- Magician.

- What is the person's age?

- I don't think we asked.

- He's a magician.
- We know if he's done therapy or not.

Why didn't we ask him about that?

- What is your age?

- I am 39 years old.

- Should we guess?
- Should we take a guess?

- 36

- I think he's had some work done.

- Has he had work done?

Should we go for 42, it's the only number--

- Yeah, let's go for 42.

- What are you most frightened of?

- Being completely submerged
in the deep ocean.

- Being plonked in the middle of the deep ocean.

- Final question, what is the person's party trick?

Please do the trick.

You've got three minutes 50 seconds.

- He doesn't really get on with is parents,

will that be coming up at any point in the exam?

- He said something about being onstage
in women's underwear.

- He did say that, which isn't really a party trick.

- Well, I'm not doing that,
have you got women's underwear on?

- Of the two of us,
you're the one with women's underwear on.

- We're not doing that trick.
- You're not doing that trick?

- No, 'cause I don't want to show you my underwear.

Because obviously I haven't got my
car crash underwear on.

- You've got two minutes 20--

- This is our party trick.
- This is the party trick?

- This is our party trick, it's to talk about pants.

- Our answer is a physical offer.

- He does it seven times, and then he stops.

- What is your party trick?

- I can make my tongue really big.

(Audience laughter)

(Applause)

- Uh Jo, what's car crash underwear?

- It's the sort of underwear,
that all women are supposed to wear

just incase you're in a car crash.

And then you're lying on the table in A&E and

it's not like the grey ones

that have got, what looks like custard on them.

- Steady on, Jo.

I'm trying to present a show here,
I don't want to get turned on.

- We know why you'll be in the car crash,
'cause you're singing Jerusalem.

Ahhhhh!

- Yeeaahhh!

-No like this, "Ni ni ni ni nini"

That's how you sing Jerusalem.

- Do you want to tell them what to scores are?

- Well, the team of two got one and a half right,

the team of three got three and a half right.

- But we were at a disadvantage.

The right answer

fell on the same person every time in there team,

'cause there were three,
so it was easier to work out.

We didn't have a system,
because there were only two of us.

- That's not why you didn't have a system.

- You didn't have a system,
because you just walked in,

didn't give a f*ck, and then left again!

- That was our disadvantage.

(Applause)

- As there was, in the end

a two point gulf between the two teams.

So, I'm going to give Jo and David two points,

- Two points, to the team of two.

- And I'm going to give Ed, Rose and Katy four points.

- Okay, four points to the team of three.

(Applause)

- Well, I've got some news for you.

Because for the first time this series,

I'm offering up a bonus point.

Do you want to tell--
- They were more excited about the egg.

(Laughter)

- It goes to the team member who best replicates

the magicians big tongue.

(Laughter)

- It's not coming out,
why is it not coming out?

- Why can't you get your tongue out your mouth?

- Jo's is pretty strong.

(Applause)

- I'm going to give the bonus point

to Jo Brand.

- Jo Brand gets a bonus point for her massive tongue.

(Applause)

- Scores then.

- It's tight at the top, Katy and Kerry,
second place with 14,

but Jo's in the lead with 16 points.
- Yes!

(Applause)

Alright competitors,

please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

(Cheering and applause)

That all looks pretty straight forward, let's play.

Who's reading out the task?
- Ed Gamble please, today.

- Okay.

"Looking at your mirror
and facing forward at all times,

"build the highest tower of bricks
on the table behind you.

"You must stay on your spot,

"and use your litter-pickers at all times.

"Highest tower after two minutes, wins."

- Okay, you've got two minutes starting (blows whistle).

You must be, you must be facing forward.

- Ohh.

- Oh, oh!

Please face forward, please face forward.

Face forward!
Face forward please.

- Face forward please!

You're doing this for Katy.

- Which is my table?

(Audience cheering)

- Ow, somebody just hit me on the bum.

- 40 seconds left, 40 seconds.

- Not intentionally.

- He's clutching his mirror,
no one said you couldn't clutch your mirror.

It's neck and neck, Rose and Ed now
with 10 seconds to go.

- f*ck you, Matafeo.

- Go on, Rose.

(Whistle blows)

- She's still going.

That was after the whistle.

- We'll work out how that's affected the final scores.

Come down here and join me.

(Cheering and applause)

Well everybody had a great time up there, didn't they?

They really enjoyed themselves.

- Well, the controversy was,

we saw Ed Gamble stacked a mighty two bricks

on top of each other.
- Yes.

- At one point, Rose Matafeo also had two.
- Yeah.

- Well, I freeze framed
the moment when the whistle blew

and I can show it to you now.

She has two stacked.

- It's pretty clear, I'm willing to--
look, I'm just--

I've had a very rough episode.

- You had a full blown tantrum.

- Quite rightly--
You're not even in this show!

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- Go on.
- Yes sorry, sorry.

- See your final scoreboard.

- So with a total of one brick that way up,

David and Kerry both get two points,

so they come in joint fourth.

One brick that way up,
Jo Brand gets three points.

Two that way up,
joint winners with five points

Rose and Ed Gamble!

(Applause)

Which means that Rose has extended her lead,

in the over-all leader board with 88 points.

Followed by Ed on 82,
Katy on 80.

Jo on 77, and then David on 65

- But, who's won tonight's episode?

- First time winner, with 19 points

it's Jo Brand!

(Cheering)

- I've won the bloody sharps bin.

- Jo Brand has won!

Please go and dabble in your defunct...

(Applause)

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that if you find yourself tortured

by life's existential questions,

who are we? Why are we here?

Well, I'm afraid I can't help you.

But the one thing I can guarantee

is that the answer to any of these questions,
is not

"tie another spoon on it."

I'd like to say a huge thank you to Kerry Godliman,

and get well soon, Katy.

And let's have one more hurray for tonight's winner,

Jo Brand!