Girl Next Door, The (1953)

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [ Big Band ]

Whee! Whee!

Whoo!
[ Cheering, Applause ]

♪ We girls of the chorus
have a rocky road before us ♪

♪ Theatrical history
clearly discloses ♪

♪ The life of a chorus girl
is no bed of roses ♪

♪ We girls of the chorus
have a rocky road before us ♪

♪ Kickin' around
from town to town ♪

♪ Boarding houses, cheap hotels
Eating a lot of junk ♪

♪ That grease paint pancake
world of ours ♪

♪ Is built on top of
a wardrobe trunk ♪

♪ We girls of the chorus
have so many men adore us ♪

♪ Adore us and implore us
Goodness gracious
how they bore us ♪

♪ Stage-door Johnnys
with romantic ambitions ♪

♪ Their warm proposals
are cold ♪

♪ Propositions ♪♪

[ Applause ]

[ Man ] Broadway "Jeannie"
of the lamp.

Last night at the Winter Garden
opening of Mike Todd's
Little Miss Mischief,

little Miss Jeannie Laird
stepped out of
the chorus line...

and into the spotlight
to become an overnight star.

She knocked them on
their proverbial ear.

Blasé hard-boiled first-nighters
stood up and cheered,

including your reporter.

[ Chorus ]
♪ The Great White Way ♪

♪ Love the temple of
the Great White Way ♪

♪ There is nothing in the world
as g*y as Broadway ♪

♪ Unless it's London London ♪

♪ Jolly old London at play ♪

♪ There's bound to be ♪

♪ Lots of gaiety in g*y Paris ♪

♪ But there's nothing like ♪

♪ The temple of the street I
love ♪

♪ No matter where I roam ♪

♪ For the Great White Way ♪

♪ Is my home, sweet home ♪♪

♪ Through all the years ♪

♪ There was one little wish ♪

♪ That I most highly prized ♪

♪ And now at last ♪

♪ At long, long last ♪

♪ My wish is ♪

♪ Fully realized ♪

♪ h*-hum, h*-hum
h*-hum, h*-hum ♪

♪ My wandering days
are ever over ♪

♪ I'm glad I lost
the urge to roam ♪

♪ Now I can give my dreams
a permanent address ♪

♪ And give my happiness a home ♪

[ Chorus ]
♪ h*-hum, h*-hum
h*-hum, h*-hum ♪

♪ She's gonna give her dreams
a permanent address ♪

♪ And give her happiness
a home ♪

Hold it, Miss Laird.
Thank you very much,
Miss Laird.

Are you planning
a show?
How about the movies?

Wait a minute.
Can you give us a story,
Miss Laird?

You bet I can.
[ Together ]
Quote?

♪ Got a quiet little place
in the country ♪

♪ Love the music of
a front doorbell ♪
Sounds swell.

♪ It's a rambling paradise
of just one story ♪

♪ That's one story
that I'm proud to tell ♪

♪ Got a quiet little place
in the country ♪

♪ Got a neighbor droppin' in
to chat ♪
Hold that!

♪ While a pretty kitty cat
that I call Susan ♪

♪ Lies a-snoozin'
on the welcome mat ♪

♪ I'm gonna gather my friends
and bring 'em ♪

♪ To a rustic cottage small ♪

♪ Where I can swing my gingham ♪

♪ And tack a funny picture
on the wall ♪

♪ With maybe one bush
and one tree ♪

♪ A shady picnic fun tree ♪

♪ Just a quiet little place
in the country ♪

♪ That's all ♪
[ Together ]
No men?

♪ h*-hum ♪♪
What then?

That's all. Bye.

Hey, Jeannie!
Hello!
Excuse me.

Yoo-hoo! Honey!
Honey, we're over here!

[ Chattering ]

Mmm. I didn't expect
to see you here.

After making that dough
he's not gonna let you spend,
why shouldn't he? He loves you!

I'm here as a friend,
not as a businessman.

Besides sweet, how are you,
Reed?
Took a streetcar
instead of a cab.

Saved a buck.
He feels great.
Rosie, quit it, please.

I'm not even gonna speak
about money. I promised
myself this morning.

I just came down
to help you through customs.
That's fine, darling.

Only?
You didn't exactly stick to
the budget I put you on.

You didn't expect me
to live on $10 a week
in Paris, did you?

Why not? Paris is no
different than New York.
It's just Frencher.

Come on. I've arranged
to have customs go
through your bags.

Yes, I know.
That's wonderful.

Rosie, you look great.
Wonderful.
Yeah? Hey!

Wait till I inherit those
clothes! Appleton, if you
could dig what this costs,

you'd get indigestion from
the lunch you didn't buy me.

How was London?
Oh, wonderful.

How was Paris?
Very exciting.

Was your performance at
the Palladium sensational?
Oh, yes.

Some French postcards
you sent. The Eiffel Tower--
Come on.

You'll be happy I managed to
unfreeze your pounds and francs,
transfer them into dollars--

Never mind. There's only
one thing I wanna know.
How is my house?

Oh, all right.
Here it is.

The bill of sale. Yours.
Lock, stock and barrel.

The barrel was wholesale.
Mmm!

121 Esplanade,
Scarsdale, New York.
Oh, it sounds good.

This is all okay, Miss Laird.
Thank you very much.
Come on. Let's go.

Oh, the keys.
Thank you.

Uh, I haven't been.
I'm here already.

Driver, take care
of the bags, please.

Well, how do you like it?
Well, I didn't quite
expect anything--

Did you ever see such
a modern house? The last word.
Really classical lines.

So has Grant's Tomb.

Frankenstein slept here.

Electronic.

[ Jeannie's Voice ]
♪ Just a quiet little place ♪

♪ In the country ♪

♪ There's a pretty kitty cat ♪

♪ That I call Susan ♪ Watch.

[ Jingling ]
It works.

Why?
Well, it's supposed to represent
the abstract of the, uh--

the, uh--

Well, it was expensive.

♪ Just a rustic cottage small ♪♪

What do you think
of that?
Swell. What is it?

Flycatcher?
It's a mobile by
Seminovich Boroskowsky.

Of course, you can't
understand it, but it's
a wonderful investment.

I could sell that tomorrow at
a profit if you got in trouble.
Honey.

Hmm?
Get in trouble.

Well, it's little things
like this that make
a house a home.

What is this?
That's a fireplace.

Fireplace? Where's
the chimney?
Pyro-matic. Watch.

Winter.

Summer.

Well, look around.
Come on. Look around.
Have you seen the patio?

Oh, at least there's a bar.

Yes, and it's custom-built.

[ Gasps ]
Is there something
I can do for you?

Oh, no. No, thanks.
I was just looking, thanks.

Are you a guest?
Who, me? Oh, no,
I'm the owner. This is mine.

Who are you?
Well, in that case,
I am your general factotum.

Oh. Hmm?
Your butler,
Miss Laird.

My name is Samuels.
Oh.

Well, I guess
we'll be seeing a lot
of one another, huh?

It's likely.

It was nice to have
met you, Samuels--

If there's anything
that madam wishes,
you may call me.

I know, dear.
Just one of those nights.

So I said to him,
"Listen, honey, let's face it.

"You're about as sharp
as a wet blotter.

Every time you open your mouth,
you put your foot in it."

If you could do the same, sir,
you'd spare the furniture
considerably.

You know, Rosie, I've
been thinking about you,
and I think--

Do you really have to wear
these things, honestly?

If you don't like 'em,
I've got another pair.
Oh?

Huh?
Yeah.

Say, you know what
you'd look good with?
What?

A Seeing Eye dog.
Thanks.

Oh, Pops, what are you
wasting your time for?
Gosh, I'm not your type.

I'm just a happy slob,
and I don't need
a business manager.

What you need is a husband.

What I need is a drink.

[ Dinging ]

♪ If I love you a mountain ♪

♪ Can't you love me
just a tiny hill ♪

♪ If I love you a meadow ♪

♪ Can't you love me
just a daffodil ♪

♪ If I need you a symphony ♪

♪ To underscore
the mood I'm in ♪

♪ Can't you need me a serenade ♪

♪ Played on a lonely violin ♪

♪ If I want you
the whole wide world ♪

♪ Can't you want me
just a lovers' lane ♪

♪ If I miss you an ocean ♪

♪ Can't you miss me
just a drop of April rain ♪

♪ Are you my forevermore ♪

♪ Forevermore you are ♪

♪ So if I love you all heaven ♪

♪ Can't you love me ♪

♪ Just an evening star ♪♪

Thanks. Uh-uh.
Now wait a minute.

It's going real good.
Is it?

It is indeed. So let's forget
it for a minute and concentrate
on your favorite producer.

[ Screaming ]

Oh! Oh, my goodness!
What is this? Pigeons!

Oh, for heaven sakes.
Reed! Evelyn!

Samuels! Somebody!
Oh, look what they're doing!
Look at that!

What in the name of
Dun and Bradstreet?
I didn't arrange this.

Yes, miss. You called me?
Get him off of you.
Get him off.

It doesn't wish
to go, miss.
But whose are they?

Who do they belong to?
What do they want?

They belong to the people
next door. Do you wish me
to lodge a complaint?

Yes, if that's what
it takes to get them
to go home. Lodge it.

[ Clears Throat ]
Very well, madam.
Look what they're doing.

[ Screaming ]

Now, take it easy.
Oh!

Shoo! Shoo!
Get out of here!

Jeannie, step right up
and call me "birdbrain."

[ People Chattering ]

They're going back now.
Fine. Samuels,
what happened?

I delivered an ultimatum,
madam. I said, quote,

"Either the birds take wing,
or we shall dine on
roast squab."

There'll be
no further incident.
Thank heaven. Can we eat now?

Very well, madam.
Good. You must be
starving, Harold.

Uh, young man.
♪♪ [ Drumroll ]

Supper is served!
♪♪ [ Big Band ]

[ Coughing ]

No, no, no!
Samuels!
Yes?

Never mind. [ Coughs ]
This time I'll lodge
the complaint myself.

Oh!
[ Coughing ]

I want to talk to somebody.

[ Man ]
What's holding you back?

Nothing's holding me back
except you. You murderers.

Look, I've got a new house.
I'm giving a party.
I've got people.

I've waited for years
for the house, the party
and the people,

and you're wrecking it.

First, we're set upon
by pigeons.

Then we're knocked on
our rockers by cinders
and fumes!

And now-- Look!
We're being smoked out
like hams in a market.

Well, it's got to stop, or else!

Or else.
Or else what?

I-I didn't have to be so mean.

Oh, well, you weren't so mean.

I didn't have to
yell at you.
It's all right.

Makes you feel better.

Well, anyway, I'm sorry.
We're sorry too...
about your party.

I think this thing
has stopped smoking.

Well, it was your fault
in the first place.
Joe.

That's something you say
before somebody says
they're sorry, not after.

Oh.

That's an awful
pretty dress.
Thanks.

Say, how is it
my fault?
You were making way too much--

Just technically. We were asleep
and the music woke us up.
It woke the pigeons up too.

They got curious
and decided to see
what it was all about.

Don't you worry. As soon
as we have our hamburgers,
we'll go right back to sleep.

Want one?
We only made four, and Benny,
Lowlife and I have eaten ours.

That's right. No point in
being too neighborly too soon.

- Want half?
- No, thanks.

- Can I have a rain check?
- Sure, anytime.

Our name's Carter.
I'm Bill, this is Joe,
and that's Lowlife.

I'm Jeannie Laird.
How do you do?

How do.
Nice party?

Wonderful. Gee, I've
got to get back to it.

[ Barking ]

Uh, nice Jeannie.
Nice, nice.

Listen, he's the one
who's barking, not me.

Shh. Nice Jeannie.
[ Chuckles ]
Sit down.

Jeannie Laird,
this is Benny the Dip.
How do you do?

Shh.
I've got to go.

Cold?
Cold.

That was a pretty
sappy thing you said--
That was a pretty dress.

Why? It was.
All the same.

It's a good thing
we straightened up
the house a little.

[ Jeannie ]
Hey.
Hi.

Tell me something.
Do you always sleep
out there in the yard?

Quite often.

Doesn't your wife mind?
Haven't got one.

- She's dead.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right.
It happened a long time ago,
when he was a very little boy.

Who takes care
of him?
I take care of him.

Well, I help a little.

If there's anything wrong
with his manners or the state
of his neck, blame me.

You mean,
you live here all alone,
just the two of you?

Yes, the two of us.
And the pigeons,
Benny the Dip, Lowlife,

Moe the toad, Pete the turtle,
Freddy the frog...

and there's two garter snakes
we haven't named yet.

- We haven't found out
if they're boys or girls.
- You forgot Binky.

Yeah, I did.
He's the canary upstairs.

Oh.

Well, good night.
Good night.

What's she being
sorry for us for?

Well, women always feel sorry
for men without women.

Why? You should see how it is
in the other kids' houses
where they do have 'em.

You gotta eat
when you're not hungry.

You gotta take baths when
you feel like staying dirty.
It's pretty gruesome.

They think it's good for
your character to do things
you don't wanna do.

I'm surprised men live
with women so much.

How is my character?

I like it.

Well, then.
She's got a lot of nerve feeling
sorry for us, hasn't she?

Yeah.

You wouldn't want one
around, would you, Dad?

Me? Nah.
Just clutter up the place.

[ Dings ]
♪ I like to sh**t a tin can
target with a B.B. g*n ♪

♪ So do I ♪

♪ Like father like son ♪

♪ I like to pick
the big black raisins
off a hot cross bun ♪

♪ So do I ♪

♪ Like father like son ♪

♪ Like to fish or swim
or take a hike with you ♪

♪ Wrestle, play catch
or ride a bike with you ♪

♪ Everything we like
we like alike ♪

♪ Excepting girls with whom
I don't care to bother ♪

♪ Like son like father ♪

♪ I'd rather have a pal
than a gal ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ I'd rather have a chum
than a pretty yummy-yum ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ When a frail starts
coyly grinnin' ♪

♪ She's out to do some winnin' ♪

♪ And you know that a frail ♪

♪ Is a synonym for trouble ♪

♪ Double trouble ♪

♪ I'd rather have a pal
than a gal ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ So if you're thinkin'
damewise ♪

♪ Play your game wise ♪

♪ And give your thinkin'
plenty of time ♪

♪ Oh, of life
I've made a study ♪

♪ And I would rather have
a buddy ♪

♪ Than a female ♪
♪ Fuddy-duddy ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

♪ Oh, of life
I've made a study ♪

♪ And I would rather
have a buddy ♪

♪ Than a female ♪
♪ Fuddy-duddy ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Anytime ♪

♪ Except when that moon
is shinin' ♪

♪ And a lonely heart is pinin' ♪

♪ Then I'd rather have a gal
than a pal ♪

♪ Anytime ♪

♪ Anytime ♪♪

Anytime.

Maybe we ought to
do one on the piano.
All right.

[ Man ]
Up on the piano.
[ Jeannie ] Okay.

- Ah, that's pretty.
- All right?

China up. Just a hair.
That's all!

♪♪ [ Piano Continues ]

[ Chattering ]

- Hey! Hold it, Jeannie!
- Okay.

Hold. Well-- [ Laughs ]
Will you be home for dinner
this evening, Miss Laird?

No, I'm dining out
tonight.
Excellent, Miss Laird.

And, Samuels?
Would you please fix
some coffee for the boys?

Jeannie.
Uh, if you wish, madam.

Mr. Fields wants to know if
you'll meet him at 21 at 6:00?
Yes, fine.

And you've read
the Bayberry Room contract?
Yes, the terms are just swell.

[ Man ]
Let's have a little
action now, Jeannie.

Whoop. Sorry.
Watch it, Tarzan.

What's the matter?
I had a little accident
last night.

Ran into a fifth
of scotch.
Hungover?

And back.
Ah.

What's with you?
Well, I'm Bill Carter
from next door.

W-With the pigeons and
the Indian smoke signals?

Guilty.

Hey, Jeannie. Look what
flew over the wall--
the keeper of the zoo.

Samuels will give you
some coffee, boys.
I'll be right back.

That's a very good stock.
The market is very bullish.

Hi.
Hi there.
How are you?

What can I do for you?
I'll leave before
he answers that.

Oh.
I've kind of an embarrassing
question to ask you.

Oh, I didn't think
there were any left.
See, I do a strip.

What?
I do a strip.

I guess I heard you
the first time.
Oh. Oh, no.

This is for the comics.
You know, for the Express.

Oh.
Funnies.

What I thought you meant
was pretty funny too.
Yeah, I can see that.

Well, anyway,
it's all about Joe and me
and the whole neighborhood,

and I'd like to use you in it.

Me? Oh.
Well, how?

Well, the subject is
"Who has bought
the house next door?"

Demons?
[ Shudders ]
No.

Goblins?
No.

Giants? No!
[ Laughing ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
allow me to present to you
the only jet-propelled...

fairy princess in captivity.

Oh, isn't that darling?

But why am I jet-propelled?

Well, it's 'cause everything
you do is so fast.
You know--

Whoo! You're here.
Ffft! You're there.

Do you always work
that hard?
You haven't seen anything.

You should see me
on a normal day.

Like this coming Monday.
I start rehearsals in
the morning for a new show,

and at night I open
at the Bayberry Room
for a week.

What a life.
What do you mean?
I love it.

Besides, everybody works.
Why, I'll bet you draw
millions of these every day.

No. Just four little boxes
just that big.

What do you do with
the rest of your time?
You must be kidding.

No.
I have a son.

He uses up all his time
using up all my time.
Have you ever been a father?

No, I haven't.
Well, it's a full-time job,
believe me.

You see, there's talks.
There's games and school.

Then there's the proper use
of the "T" formation.

How to keep your left hand
up high.

And then, of course,
the art and science of
washing behind the ears.

Right now we're
planning a vacation.

You need a vacation
from one little boy
and four little boxes a day?

Everybody needs a vacation.
You ought to try one.
Oh, I don't need one.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

What do you do for fun?
I work.

You call that fun?
Try it.

Well, you're doin' all right.

♪ Dee-doodly do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Dee-doodly do, do,
do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Well, well, well
You're doin' all right ♪

Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

This dress is much
too expensive for you.

♪ Quite true ♪

♪ Quite true ♪

♪ There's an old, old saying
which clearly paints
my point of view ♪

♪ There are many, many things
that folks do need ♪

But they don't need as much
as they think they do.

♪ They measure their luck
by that extra buck ♪

♪ Better known as
folding green ♪

♪ Do you want me
to draw you a picture ♪

♪ Or do you know
just what I mean ♪

♪ Quite true Quite true ♪

♪ You don't need as much
as you think you do ♪

♪ You've got an old hat
You got an old suit ♪

♪ You got your rent ♪
♪ And enough for
a sip and a bite ♪

♪ Dee-doodly do, do, do, do ♪

♪ You're doin' all right ♪

♪ You got a new house
You got a new car ♪

♪ I've got a brand new moon
that's shining so bright ♪

♪ Dee-doodly do, do, do, do ♪

♪ You're doin' all right ♪

♪ You can say what
you wanna say
Pray where you wanna pray ♪

♪ Find your place in the sun ♪

Just take a little
and leave a little.

♪ There's plenty for everyone ♪

♪ You've got an old joke ♪
♪ You got an old song ♪

♪ You got a friend or two
around on a Saturday night ♪

♪ And if you do what
you're doin' real well ♪

♪ Well You're doin' all right ♪

♪ Dee-doodly do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Dee-doodly do, do,
do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Come on We're goin' dancin' ♪

♪ What's that
You say you won't ♪

What do you mean?
You can't afford it?

♪ New shoes pinch ♪
[ Together ]
♪ But old shoes don't ♪

♪ Come on Forget your troubles ♪

♪ 'Tain't worth a bag of beans ♪

♪ That jingle in your heart ♪

♪ Means more than
the jingle in your jeans ♪

♪ You got an old suit
You got an old hat ♪

♪ You're doin' all right ♪

♪ And if you do what
you're doin' real well ♪

♪ And if you do what
you're doin' real well ♪

♪ And if you do what
you're doin' real well ♪

♪ Well, well
You're doin' all right ♪♪

[ Laughing ]
Well, that was fun.
What do we do now?

I never knew
I had two left feet.
Hey, Rosie, did ya see me?

Do you wanna make
a career out of it?
No, thanks.

I think I'd better stick
to my funny papers.

Maybe I can teach you
somethin' sometime.
Maybe so.

You forgot your sketch.
That's yours.
You keep it.

Oh, thank you.
Are you leaving on
your vacation soon?

Well, pretty soon.
Not right away though.
Why?

Just asking.
Oh.

Well, so long.
I had fun.
Bye.

Hi!
Hi there.

Can I cash in
my rain check?
Sure. What rain check?

Remember the half a hamburger
you offered me the other night?
Oh, sure.

Well, I'm starved.
My butler just gave me
the creeps.

We're gonna eat
inside by the fire.
It's chilly here.

Go set another place
when you take that salad in.

Joe, isn't that
a Caesar salad?
Yeah.

Mmm. Don't tell me
a little boy like you
knows how to make one?

He's just figuring how much
you'll eat and deducting it
from his share. That's all.

Why do you have
a creepy butler?
Don't be silly.

Why do you think I worked
so hard to get somewhere if
not to have a creepy butler?

As much fun as you'd
thought it'd be?
You're darn tootin'.

That's not the right answer.
Now that you are somewhere,

why, you're supposed
to find it empty.

Your heart is breaking.
You'd give anything
to be back...

in that little cold-water
walk-up flat again.

Not me, neighbor.
I love every minute of it.

No broken heart, huh?
Who's got time?

You have time
to baste these?
Sure. Glad to.

What's baste?

Heads.
Tsk, tsk, tsk,
tsk, tsk.

Two out of three?
Get out.

You sure this is
on the level? You've won
the last five times.

Oh, I'll help you.
No. You let him do 'em.

No sense in you both
being miserable.

Still can't get over you two
doing everything for yourselves.

Do you know how
to plan his meals,
make him wash--

[ Chuckles ]
What's so funny
about that?

Those are things women do.
That's why we have
our motto.

Joe--
Women are fine,
but not in the home.

You're just like
all the rest.
She's prettier.

There was nothing chintzy
about that redhead
you used to know.

Get with the dishes. Remind me
later to have a talk
about the birds and bees.

Again?

I hope you didn't take
our little motto personally.

Personally? Me?

Oh, sure. I was planning
to move in any day now.

Uh-uh. Not until
you learn how to cook.

Can I help you?
No.

Can I stay here
and talk to you?
No.

Can I just watch you?
No.

Okay.

Now just follow me, Jeannie.
Don't try to lead.

It's pretty simple
once you get the hang of it.
You stinker.

[ Joe ]
I'm finished.

What do we do now?
You want to see my animals?
I'd love to, but--

Let's play drawades.
"Drawades"?
Sounds like a drink.

Oh, no, it's like charades,
only you have to guess a story
from a sketch I draw.

Wanna try it?
Yes.

All right. Ready?
Uh-huh.

Once upon a time--

- there was a little girl.
- Yeah.

- And she had red hair.
- Nah.

- Blonde?
- Getting warmer.

Platinum blonde?
You're getting hot.

Goldilocks. "Goldilocks
and the Three Bears."
Bingo.

Of course that was a snap.
Why don't we try something
hard now, huh?

I'd love to, Joe, but I have
an early call tomorrow.
Next time, huh?

Okay.
We'll boost you
over the wall.

All right.

I said we.
Hmm?

[ Chuckles ]
This is where I came in.
Yeah.

A few more rain checks, we'll
have to build a gate in here.
I had fun.

So did we.
Good night.

Good night.
Good night, Joe.

Good night.

You know, I'm going
to buy you a new suit.

What color?
Blue serge,
just like mine.

Sounds like
"go visiting relatives"
suits to me.

I'm thinking about broadening
your horizons. I'm gonna take
you on the town Monday night.

Where?
Tell you later.

Lots of times when people
have things they won't
tell you till later...

it's 'cause they're
too horrible to tell you now!

♪♪ [ Big Band ]

♪♪ [ Fanfare ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Jeannie Laird.

[ Bell Chiming ]

♪ It's 3:00 a.m. ♪

♪ What happened
to my pride again ♪

♪ It died again ♪

♪ Trying to get somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere with a nowhere guy ♪

♪ It's crazy, crazy ♪

♪ It's 4:00 a.m. ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I'm losing
sleep again ♪

♪ In deep again ♪

♪ Trying to get somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere with a nowhere guy ♪

♪ Here am I like a fool ♪

♪ Just listenin' ♪

♪ Just listenin'
for those footsteps ♪

♪ Down the hall ♪

♪ Just talking to those shadows
on the wall ♪

♪ And telling them
this can't go on ♪

♪ That's all I'm through ♪

♪ For good Forever ♪

♪ Then he'll walk in ♪

♪ He'll smile ♪

♪ And I'll forgive again ♪

♪ And I'll live again ♪

♪ Why don't I leave him ♪

♪ Oh, it makes no sense ♪

♪ To even try ♪

♪ He's just ♪

♪ A nowhere ♪

♪ But without him ♪

♪ So am I ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Knocking Continues ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Siren Fades ]

♪ Why don't I leave him ♪

♪ Oh, it makes no sense ♪

♪ To even try ♪

♪ He's just a nowhere ♪

♪ But without him ♪

♪ So am I ♪♪

[ Feet Tapping ]

[ Feet Tapping Continues ]

"Bake, blend, braise,
broil. Baste."

"Baste: To moisten food
by spooning liquid
over a surface."

How you doin'?
Okay. How you doin'?

Sure are a lot
of things we need.
Yeah.

When are we going?
Going where?

To the North Woods--
Canada.

North Woods--
Tomorrow.

That's great.
Tomorrow morning.

I heard you.
A man can get ridiculous,
you know.

It'll be just what I need.
Get the cobwebs out.

You feel okay?
Sure, I feel okay.
You better hit the sack.

Come on, Benny.

Oh, isn't this awful?
Well, you can't go through your
whole life without some trouble.

Come on, Dad.
Wake up. Wake up.
Come on.

Come on. Come on.
Get down.

Where you going?
We're going to the North Woods--
Canada. You said so.

What time is it?
Well, it's almost 6:00.

[ Groans ]
Oh, come on.
I've made breakfast...

and packed the animals
and me and you too.

We're all ready.

Joe, uh--

But you said so.
Yeah.

But, uh, Joe,
last night I decided
to syndicate the strip.

You know what that means.
It'll be in a lot more papers
and lot more people will see it.

Of course, there's
a few things I have to do.
Take a couple of days.

Well, it won't take too long?

Oh, no. A few days.
A week at the most.

We will be going.
Sure, we're going.

'Cause you said so in
the strip that we'd be going,
and you said...

we'd be sending stuff back
from Canada, and we can't
do that if we're not there.

And then it wouldn't be true,
and our strip is true.

Yeah, that's right, Joe.
Okay.

Joe?
Yeah?

- Not sore, are you?
- Heck, no.

It's just as bad for you
as it is for me.

Yeah.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Hi, Joe.
Oh, hi.

Somebody sick?
Oh, no, uh--
[ Chuckles ]

Joe, I'd like to
have you meet Evelyn.
Evelyn, this is Joe.

[ In British Accent ]
Good evening,
Master Joseph.

[ In British Accent ]
Master Joseph?

Hi there.
[ Jeannie ]
Hi.

Hey, you goin'
someplace?
Didn't you tell him?

Oh, I've been so busy
I didn't get a chance.

Joe, you know
the syndication thing,
that was Jeannie's idea.

I wanna talk to her about it.
The only chance she's got
is between shows,

so I thought I'd go
into town with her.

Yes, and Evelyn is going
to stay with you.

You mean you got me
a babysitter?

Let me talk to you.

She can cook, can't she?
Yeah.

What about
washing the dishes?
I get you. Yeah, sure!

You don't mind at all,
do you?
No, not at all.

You guys better be
hittin' the road.
Yes, it's getting late.

See you later, sport.

[ Laughing ]
Well, hi, buster.

Hi there.
Well, hello, Bill.

How's my dancin' partner?
Just bullish.

How ya doin'
with our girl?
None of your business.

At least he isn't
a kiss-and-tell, huh?

She'll be right out.
She's almost
through changing.

Say, does Jeannie
ever complain of a certain
lack of privacy?

She never seemed
to need any,
up to now.

That's what makes you
so interesting.
[ Jeannie ] Hi, Bill.

Hiya, Jeannie.
Didn't take too long,
did I?

Yeah, but it was worth it.
Rosie and I are goin'
up to Harlem.

I've got a great idea.
Why don't you join us?

Liked your first idea better.
Why don't you two go?

You wanted me to talk
to Bill about syndicating
his cartoon strip.

That's right.
Maybe we'll join you later.

Come on, honey.
I think they want us
to be alone.

Come on. Let's go
count your money, huh?

Okay?
I think you handled that
very diplomatically.

Thank you.
Just about
like a steam shovel.

[ Chuckles ]
Got the same results.
Yep.

Well, what'll we do?
Why don't we try
being alone again?

All right.
Where?
Here.

Here?
Oh, but the place
is all closed up.

What do you have
when you're open? Just a lot
of people and some music.

And we don't want the people.
No, but we do
need the music.

Yes, we do.

♪♪ [ Orchestral, Loud ]

[ Laughs ]
Lovely, but loud.
Oh, too loud?

Yes.
You'd like soft music.

Mm-hmm.
Gentlemen,
just strings this time.

♪♪ [ Slow, Strings ]

♪♪ [ Fades ] Mmm, that's pretty.

Or maybe you had in mind
something like this--
A little dark place--

A very mysterious guy playing
piano with a cigarette
hanging out of his mouth.

[ Exhales ]
♪♪ [ Piano ]

Out of tune.
What's happened to you?

♪ I'm mad about
the girl next door ♪

♪ The girl next door to me ♪

♪♪ [ Piano Flourish ]

♪ Oh, how I wish and I pray ♪

♪ That she would be more
much more ♪

♪ Than just neighborly ♪
♪♪ [ Flourish ]

♪ I'm mad, I'm mad
I'm crazy for ♪

♪ The girl next door to me ♪

♪ To borrow a book
I may make a call ♪
♪♪ [ Piano Continues ]

♪ But I really don't
want a book at all ♪

♪ Just wanna look at that face ♪

♪ Oh, that face
Oh, that fabulous face ♪

♪ And when I gaze at that grin ♪

♪ I go spinning
right out of the place ♪

♪♪ [ Orchestra, Loud ]
♪ Say, I'd fight any fella for ♪

♪ The girl next door to me ♪

♪ Someday she may wear
a special smile ♪

♪ For a special walk
down a special aisle ♪

♪ And I'll be perplexed
if I'm not standing next
to the girl next door ♪

♪♪ [ Instrumental ]

♪♪ [ Cymbal Crash ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Stops ] [ Laughs ]

Oh, and Bill, what Reed said--
the syndication--
I'm sure he'll take care of it.

I know it.

Well, good night!
Oh, good night.

Good night.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Engine Starts ]
Call you.

Dad!

[ Footsteps Running ]
She shampooed my hair
and rinsed it four times!

Sorry.
And she clipped my toenails
like I didn't know how!

And she told me a bedtime story!
How did I know
she was an imbecile?

Dad, you just gotta
promise me that she'll
never get me again.

Okay.
No matter what she says.

No matter what she says,
I promise, okay?
Okay.

[ Singsong ]
For of life,
I've made a study,

and I would rather have...
a buddy...

than a female fuddy-duddy...

anytime.
Anytime?

Anytime.

[ Engine Humming ]

End of the line.
Everybody out!

Yahoo! Joe!
Look at that!

[ Joe ]
Hey, Benny,
Lowlife, look!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
We're gonna catch
some fish today.

All right, fellas, catch.

Alley-oop!

Alley-oop!
Alley-oop!

Alley-oop!
Alley-oop!

Alley-oop.

Benny, front and center!

[ Air Hissing ]

Hey, Joe!
Come on, will you?

I'm comin'!

Let's go!
Bye.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Look at 'em, Dad!
Hundreds! Thousands!

Mmm, yeah.
This looks like
a pretty good spot.

I got one!
I'll say you have!
I got one too!

Boy, what a beauty!
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
They're bitin' today!

Benny, y'all show me
how to catch a fish?

Well, fishing
is an art, Lowlife--
an exact science.

There are three qualities
that mark the true fisherman.

Number one.
Pole in the proper position.

Number two.
Peace of mind.

Number three.
And patience!

Number four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine,
10, 11, 12, 13, 14--

[ Counting Rapidly ]

[ Laughing ]

Twenty-nine.
Limit.

This is the life.
Smell that air, Joe.

Yeah.
Boy, is this ever fun!

[ Incoming Hum ]

[ Splash ]
What was that?

Must've been a whopper.
Ooh! It is a whopper.
And I got it!

Hey, what happened, Joe?
She-She--

Achoo!
I-- I got it now.

It must be Old Moose Head.
It is Moose Head!
Look! Joe!

It's mine!
She took it!
The witch did it.

- Which witch?
- She's down there!

I saw her!
Down there!

Ah, you're seein' things.

[ Air Hissing ]

[ Chuckles ]
Must've sprung a leak.

She did it!
Spoiled our fun. She did it!

Huh? Who? Huh?

Hey, it's Jeannie.

Why, Bill Carter,

you've caught the biggest
fish in the lake.

Just for that,
you get a great big kiss.

Hmph. Always kissin'.

[ Clears Throat ]
We caught a fish too.

Do we get a reward?

Why, of course.

I'm giving a party at my house,
and you're invited.

[ Singsong ]
A party, a party.
We're going to a party.

But, Dad! We came up here
to get away from dames!

All aboard!

Dad, Benny, Lowlife!
Dad! Dad! Dad!

[ Sobbing ]

Joe?
Aw, go away.

No.

What's the matter, Joe?
It's my father.

Oh, is he dead?
No. He's done something.

Something bad?
You don't have to tell me, but
if you do, I won't tell anyone.

Look at this.

But you're not in Canada.
And our strip's
supposed to be true.

People will see this,
and they'll believe it.

I don't know what's the matter
with him lately.

Yes, I do.
It's her.
He kissed her.

Not like on your birthday.
He kissed her funny-like.

She'll hook 'im.
Then they'll send you away
to camp. You'll see.

I don't care.
But why does he have to
do it like this?

It's just a big lie!
That's terrible to
have your father be a liar.

Mine lies to me sometimes.
Well, mine's lyin' to thousands
and thousands of people.

They oughta know about it.
You oughta tell 'em.

I couldn't squeal on him.

Otherwise it'll just go
on and on. You know how it is
when you don't get caught.

Kinda like cheatin'
in school, huh?

After a while,
he'll get to be
no good at all.

Boy, I'll bet if his boss
knew about that on the paper,
he'd be plenty sore.

That'd be good.
He'd say, "You stop lyin'
or I'll tell the people."

That way I wouldn't be
squealin' so much, would I?
No, not much at all.

Besides, if you put it
in a letter, you wouldn't even
have to sign your name.

Hmm. I'll do it.
Good.

I have to go now.

Thanks a lot, Kitty.

You been real nice
for a girl.
Bye.

[ Door Clatters ]

[ Door Clatters ]

♪♪ [ Light ] I'll be right back.

Bill! Boy, am I
glad to see you.
I didn't even know you cared.

I've gotta talk to you
about something
very important.

Look. One night let's
not talk about syndication,
the Yankee dollar or my strip.

Oh, that. That's all settled.
King Features-- They're
drawing up the contracts.

Scotch and water.
But this is very vital.
It's about community property.

Community property?
Yeah. Rosie and me.
I asked her to marry me.

And, well,
she didn't exactly say no.

That's a step
in the right direction.
What do I do now?

What do you do now?
Romance her.
Soft lights, sweet music.

Where is she?
She's out
on the terrace.

That's a natural.
Go dance with her.
Sing in her ear.

But what should I sing?
Sing anything you know. One of
those songs Jeannie sings.

Which one?
Well, like "You."
That's a pretty song.

I don't remember the words.
Well, I do. I've been
listenin' to them for days.

Go ahead.
I'll be right behind you.
Well, okay.

♪♪ [ Soft Jazz ]

Hi.
Hi.

Remember what you said
about my glasses?

Oh, stop it.
Huh?

Don't just stand there.
Say something.

Well, I--
You walk by
and I behold a lovely day.

♪ You walk by
and I behold a lovely day ♪

A lovely day begins--
♪ A lovely day begins
and ends with you ♪

You appear, and I'm so near
to early spring.

♪ You appear
and I'm so near
to early spring ♪

And you're the "you"--
♪ And you're the "you"
in every song I sing ♪

What's a smile?

♪ What's a smile Your hello ♪

What's a tear?

♪ What's a tear Your good-bye ♪

Yes, and without you--
♪ Yes, and without you ♪

♪ What am I ♪

♪ My darling ♪
You're on your own.

♪ You are every hope
and dream worth clinging to ♪

♪ And might I add this phrase
before I'm through ♪

♪ That love by any other name
is you ♪

Pop.
Yeah?

Hold on.

[ Chattering ]

Bill? Did Reed tell you
about setting the syndication
of your strip?

Yes, he did.
Oh, good. I'm glad.

Yeah, so am I.
'Cause I'm gonna
need the money.

Why? You and Joe
have everything you need.

Well, I was thinking
about getting married.

Have you ever thought
about getting married?
Yes, I have.

Oh. Well,
I was thinking about
getting married to you.

Have you ever thought about
getting married to me?
Yes, I have.

Well, then, why don't you?

Oh!
What was that for?
Oh, fine.

You can play Cyrano with Reed,

but when it comes to
my very own proposal, you
throw it away in front of a mob.

Mob? That's funny.
I don't see anyone around
but you.

♪ And I behold a lovely day ♪

♪ A lovely day
begins and ends with you ♪

You appear,
and I'm so near
to early spring.

♪ You appear
and I'm so near
to early spring ♪

[ Together ]
♪ And you're the "you"
in every song I sing ♪

♪ What's a smile ♪
♪ Your hello ♪

♪ What's a tear ♪
♪ Your good-bye ♪

Yes?
♪ And without you
what am I ♪

[ Together ]
♪ My darling, you
are every hope and dream ♪

♪ And might I add this phrase
before we're through ♪

[ All ]
♪ That love by any other name
is you ♪♪

♪♪ [ Holds Note ]

Don't get out.
What's the trouble,
O'Toole?

Now, take it easy,
Mr. Carter. It's Joe.
Joe? Is he hurt?

No, no.
Just a little scared.

He's down at the station.
Got himself in a little jam.

What kind of a jam?
Robbing
the United States mail.

When you put a stamp
on a letter and mail it,
it belongs to Uncle Sam.

It wasn't
addressed to him.
Who was it addressed to?

Never mind.
I just changed my mind
after I mailed it.

Why?
I won't tell you,

not even if you
put me in jail
for the rest of my life.

Hi, Joe.

Hi.
What is it, Joe?

I-- I-I mailed a letter
to your boss.

I told 'im you--
that you lied.

Why?
You said we were in Canada,
and we aren't. That's a lie.

I just didn't want everybody
to know about it,

so I tried to get it back.

Why didn't you come to me?
Talk this over? Isn't that
the way we handle things?

Well, it's different now.
You're always with her.

And even when
you are with me,
you never listen.

And, well, I'm all mixed-up.
Nothing's the same anymore.

Kitty said
you were stuck on her.

That my name'd be mud
and you'd be sending me
off to camps and everything.

Well, I feel funny all over.

And nothing's the same anymore.

It's all her fault,
'cause I hate her--
Joe!

Joe, I want you
to apologize to Jeannie.

Tell her you're sorry
and that you didn't mean it.

I'm waiting.
I'm sorry if
I hurt your feelings.

But I'm not sorry I said it.
And I won't say I didn't
mean it, 'cause I did.

What'd you have to
spoil everything for?
Why don't you leave us alone?

We were doin' okay,
just the two of us!

Oh, Joe.
No, Jeannie, don't.

We'll talk about this later.
Thanks, Simon.
That's okay.

Thanks, Frank.
Sure, Mr. Carter.

[ Whistles ]

Go in the kitchen, Son,
and wait for me.
I'll be in in a minute.

Get yourself a glass of milk.

I'm sorry, Jeannie.
Oh, Bill,
he's just a baby.

He was so upset.
We certainly can't get married
with him feeling like this.

We're certainly not gonna
not get married
just because of it.

That would be pretty ridiculous,
wouldn't it?
Yes. Yes, it would.

Our little friend in there's
just gotta be told.
Nobody owns anybody.

Everybody's gotta live
their own life.

It's gonna be rough on him,
and I'm sorry,

but I just can't sit back
and let him live
in a stall shower.

Oh, no.
No, he's got to learn,
for his own sake.

Oh, for our sake too.
Look, he's my kid,
and I love him,

but we're important--
the rest of our lives,
that's important too.

It isn't as if he
really hated me.

Me personally, I mean.
Of course not.

No, he'd feel the same way
about anybody in my place.
Well, of course.

There's no point in stalling.
I'm just gonna go tell him.

You and I are gonna get married,
and the three of us are gonna
live happily ever after.

Only, uh, Jeannie?

You think I might better
wait until the morning?

Maybe after he's had a...
good night's rest?

No?
No. Get it over now, Bill.

Bill?
Hmm?

Now, uh, what if
he should, uh, get upset?
You know, I mean--

Well, what if he cries?

What if he cries?

Well, I'll tell you.
Then he cries.

Joe.

There are a few things
I wanna say to you.

Now, I know we have
a lot of fun.
We kid around a lot.

But I'm still your father.

Now in the first place,
when I'm talking to you,
I want you to look at me.

Now, in the first--
In the second place.

I think that
you've behaved
very, very badly.

I shouldn't have written
that letter.
I don't mean the letter.

I wouldn't have if it hadn't
been for Kitty. You listen to
a girl, you get into trouble.

You've gotten into trouble
because I said
a lot of silly things.

But you're
the smartest guy I know.
Joe, stop that! It won't work.

I'm talking about Jeannie.
You're talkin' about Jeannie,
and we both know it.

Quit horsin' around,
or I'm gonna whale
the livin' tar outta you!

Bill, don't you dare say
another word to that boy,

not another word,
or I'll never
speak to you again.

Why--
You can't just force me on him
like you would castor oil.

He can't help it
if he doesn't like me.
He'll get to like you--

Did you ever hear
of anyone getting to
like castor oil...

just because somebody
made a speech at him?

You're the one
who keeps saying--
I don't care what I said!

You're not going to
break his heart.
I'm not breaking his heart!

Poor little thing,
sitting here crying.
He is not crying!

He would have been
if I hadn't stopped you
bullying him.

I'm the one who's too soft?
Fine tough-hearted character
you turned out to be.

Wanna make something out of it?
No, you're making enough mess
for both of us.

Who's making the mess?
Whose fault has it been
right from the beginning?

Mine! I admit it.
Now I wanna do something
about it, you won't let me.

So who's wrong now?
I am! Feel better?

No.
Good.

I'm not gonna marry you
unless Joe wants me to.
That's insane.

There's no way
that won't take years.
Stop yelling!

I am not yelling at you.
You're just acting
like a darn fool.

[ Sighs ]
Go draw yourself
a picture.

Night, Dad.
Good night, Son.

What's the matter?
Hmm?
Oh, nothin'.

I'm sorry
I was so rough on you.
Oh, that's okay.

You know, you can't
teach an old dog new tricks.

A fella gets an idea
he can change,
but it isn't smart.

Better stick
with what you know.
Yeah, sure.

What are you
fidgeting about?
Huh? Nothing.

You outgrowing
your shorts again?
No.

We were getting along fine.
We never needed anybody else.

Dad, you don't mind,
do you? I got a date
to go see a show.

You got a date?
Who?
A pal.

Who?
Kitty. You don't mind,
do you, Dad?

No. Better step on it.

Come home right
after the show.
Sure, okay.

No, Benny.
You stay here.
Keep Dad company.

[ Chorus ]
♪ I'm mad about
the girl next door ♪

♪ I'm mad about
the girl next door ♪

♪ I'm mad about
the girl next door ♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]

♪♪ [ "I'd Rather Have A Pal" ]

♪♪ [ Builds ]

♪ You walk by
and I behold a lovely day ♪

♪ A lovely day
begins and ends with you ♪

♪ You appear, and I'm so near
to early spring ♪

♪ And you're the "you"
in every song I sing ♪

♪♪ [ Chorus Vocalizing ]

♪♪ [ Vocalizing Continues ]

♪ My darling, you ♪

♪ Are every hope and dream
worth clinging to ♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]

♪♪ [ "I'd Rather Have A Pal" ]

♪♪ [ Upbeat ]

[ Male Chorus ]
♪ I'd rather have a pal
than a gal anytime ♪

♪ I'd rather have a chum
than a pretty yummy-yum
anytime ♪

♪ When a frail starts
coyly grinnin' ♪

♪ Then she's out to do
some winnin' ♪

♪ And you know that a frail
is a synonym for trouble ♪

♪ Double trouble ♪

♪ I'd rather have a pal
than a gal anytime ♪

♪ So if you're thinkin' damewise
play your game wise ♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]

♪♪ [ Builds ]

[ Female Chorus ]
♪ I'm mad about
the girl next door ♪

♪ The girl next door to me ♪

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪♪ [ Instrumental ]

[ Chorus ]
♪ Oh, let me see that face ♪

♪ That fabulous face ♪

♪ Oh, when I see that grin ♪

♪ I go spinning
right out of the-- ♪

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪♪ [ Fades ]

♪♪ [ "I'd Rather Have A Pal" ]

♪♪ [ Builds ]

♪♪ [ "I'd Rather Have A Pal",
Upbeat ]

♪ You are every hope and dream
worth living for ♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]

♪ For love by any other name ♪

♪ Is ♪

♪ You ♪

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ You, You, You, You ♪

♪ You, You ♪

♪ You ♪♪

[ Joe ]
I got one.

Get in there.
Pop's running another
movie tonight. A western!

Aw, I can't, Kitty.
"Aw, I can't, Kitty."

Hey--
Some best friend
you turned out to be.

It's not my fault.
It's my father's.
Well, just tell him.

Aw, it'd hurt his feelings.
Can't you get him
busy with her again?

Nah. He just looks
over at her yard
and gets sad.

He oughta get married.
I think he's all through
with women.

How come? He's got a nerve!
A man's supposed to be
with a lady.

Children are extra.
Says who?

Says everybody. If your father
hadn't married your mother,

you wouldn't be
catching frogs today.

Look at all
the married people.
Do you think they're dopey?

Look at Noah.
Who did he put on the ark?

A lady lion and a man lion,
that's what.

And a lady rabbit
and a man rabbit.

And the same
with everybody else,
except your father.

Well, what am I
supposed to do about it?

Go find yourself
a new best friend,
that's what.

Kitty!

I finished packing
your wardrobe trunk, madam.

Shall I prepare
an overnight case
for your immediate needs?

Yes, please, Evelyn.
Oh, uh, tell Samuels to call
the expressman too, will you?

Very good, madam.

[ Barking ]
Oh, Benny! Benny.
[ Laughs ]

What'd you do? Come over
to say good-bye, huh?
[ Joe ] Good-bye?

Are you leaving?

Yes, I'm leaving
for good.
Movin'?

That's right.
What for?

[ Barking ]
I should think
you'd be glad.

Joe, no hard feelings.
Everybody can't
like everybody.

I don't exactly
not like you.
Thanks.

You mad at Dad?
Yes. No, I--

Well, Joe, sometimes
people get upset and...

they say things they don't mean.

Does he know
you're goin' away?
I don't know.

What difference
would it make?
Yeah.

Say--
Come on, Benny.

That's an awful
pretty dress.
[ Sobs ]

[ Sobbing Continues ]

Well, howdy, Sam.
How you all?
Is Miss Laird in?

I'm afraid she's--
Jeannie!

Honey, what's the matter?

Oh, Rosie, I-- Reed,
I'm moving into town, a hotel.
What?

No. Now, I want you to sell
the house and everything
just as soon as possible.

Oh, honey.
Come on. Take it easy.

You're playing
the second act
of Way Down East.

What's the matter?
You have a fight with Bill?
No.

Why is he such a jerk?
Sure, he's a jerk.
They're all jerks.

But he's the nicest jerk
you've ever known.

Because he's a jerk doesn't mean
you're gonna be a jerk
and give away your house.

But I'm not going to marry
anybody who thinks I'm...
a mixmaster.

Oh, we just don't
belong together.
We're too different.

You don't have to
be a Siamese twin
to get married.

You can say that again.
Take a gander at us.

You ever figure that
this type would gas me?
You mean you and Reed?

Yes, the deed is done.
Last night at Greenwich,
Connecticut.

You were married?
Sure! Look at the circles
under my eyes.

Oh, Rosie,
that's wonderful!
Congratulations, Reed.

It's the best thing
that's happened to me
since I graduated from C.C.N.Y.

Well, I figured
somebody'd marry him
for his money, so I did.

Now, Rosie,
you know I'm not rich.
You will be someday, Pops.

You got that pinched look
around your nose.
I'm very happy for both of you.

If you're so happy,
what are you
running away for?

We figured you'd give us
the biggest party a bride
and groom could have.

Hey, after all, you're gonna
be the godmother.
When, as, and if!

Right. Of course.
Why should I be chased
out of my own home?

Samuels!
We will have a party,
a big party!

Sure, let him move.
Yeah, let him
sell his house.

Samuels, call the expressman.
Tell him to skip it
and-and cancel the cab.

We're having a party.
Get the caterers and the band.

I've changed my mind.
Start unpacking!

Unpacking?
Very good, madam.

♪♪ [ Big Band ]
[ Man ] I wanna know
who's paying for this.

If you do the show in London--
[ Jeannie ]
Yes?

Do it in London,
you promise?
I promise.

I'll pay for the party.
Mr. and Mrs. Appleton
have arrived.

Oh, wonderful!
Hold this, will you please?

Samuels,
keep them filled.
Very good, miss.

Stop the music, boys.
Alfred, now. Now.

[ Excited Chattering ]

[ Drumroll ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the bride and groom!

[ All Cheering ]

♪ This is all
so new to me ♪
But you like it.

♪ Oh, but what you do to me ♪

♪ If I love you a mountain ♪

♪ And you love me
just a tiny hill ♪

♪ If I love you a meadow ♪

♪ Can't you love me
just a daffodil ♪

♪ If I need you a symphony ♪

♪ To underscore
the mood I'm in ♪

♪ Can't you need me a serenade ♪

♪ Played on a lonely violin ♪

♪♪ [ Muffled ]

Some party, huh?
Mm-hmm.

You know she's movin'?

She is?
What about it?
Just wonderin'.

[ Reed, Muffled ]
♪ If I miss you an ocean ♪

♪ Can't you miss me
just a drop
of April rain ♪

♪ Are you my forevermore ♪

♪ Forevermore you are ♪

♪ So if I love you all heaven ♪

♪ Can't you love me just
an evening star ♪♪

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Harold, please forgive me.
I have an awful headache.

Jeannie! You see?
Today it's a headache.
Tomorrow it's a migraine.

Face it.
You're in love
with the guy.

Jeannie, it doesn't
matter whether he's right
and you're wrong.

When you're in love, it's 100%.

When you meet
in the middle,
it's 50-50.

Grab it, girl.
There's only one gold ring
on the merry-go-round.

And something's got to give.

♪♪ [ Continues, Muffled ]

[ Snaps ]
[ Clatters ]

Joe, come here.
I want to talk to you.

I've made up my mind.
Like it or not,
this is the way it's gonna be.

- Let's play drawades.
- Joe, I said I wanted
to talk to you.

Please, Dad, let's play
drawades, huh?
Please, Dad?

I've got it all ready.
I said
I wanted to talk to you.

But, Dad, you just gotta.
I've got it all written out
for you. It's all ready.

Okay, Son.
[ Muffled Applause ]

Once upon a time,
it was snowing.

Raining?

And it rained some more.

And it kept on raining.
This is a pretty dull story.

Now, there's a boat.
Oh, I see. It's an ark.

Okay, Noah's ark
and the flood.
I get it.

Just 'cause you get the story
doesn't mean you get the point.

Well, now the ark's finished.

And there's Noah.
[ Joe ]
Whoops.

[ Chorus ]
♪ Oh, the day that Noah
finished the ark ♪

♪ It rained It poured ♪

[ Bill ]
All right, Noah had
a big job ahead of him.

He had a whole new world
to set up.

[ Men ] ♪ Oh, the bears ♪
[ Women ]
♪ The birdies ♪

[ Together ]
♪ The lions and elephants
came aboard ♪

[ Joe ]
Notice anything different
about the animals?

[ Bill ]
Yeah, they're two-by-two.

But their own mothers
wouldn't recognize 'em.
Anything else?

Some are wearin' pants.
Some are wearin' skirts.

[ Chorus ]
♪ Hippity-potamus
All went into the ark ♪

You see this?
Yeah.

Children could come along,
but they weren't
the important thing.

They were just extra
until they grew up.

♪ They all went into the ark
for to get out of the rain ♪

Now, here was
the important thing,
you see? You see?

Hello, Kitty?
He got it. Yeah.

♪♪ [ Jazz, Soft ]

Say, what happened
to your glasses?

Contacts.
Look at Jeannie.

Jeannie, for heaven's sake.
What happened to you?

[ Woman ]
Jeannie,
what are you training for?

Excuse me.
This is a formal party.

Bill!

I don't know how he got it
or where he got it,
but he got it.

♪♪ [ "Girl Next Door" ]

♪♪ [ Clang ]
♪ The guy's in love
The gal's in love ♪

♪ In love, in love, in love ♪

♪ They're crazy with joy
and it's plain to see ♪

♪ They will soon be more
than just neighborly ♪

♪ Just let me look
at that face ♪

♪ Oh, that face
Oh, that fabulous face ♪

♪♪ [ Chorus Vocalizing ]
♪ For when I look
at that grin ♪

♪ I go spinning ♪
♪ And spinning and spinning
and spinning ♪

♪ And spinning
right out into space ♪

♪♪ [ Instrumental ]

Will you marry me someday?
No.

Okay.

[ Chorus ]
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la
Whoop-de-do ♪

♪ I will leap for joy
like a kangaroo ♪

♪ I'm mad, I'm mad
I'm crazy for ♪

♪ The girl next door to me ♪

♪ Someday she may wear
a special smile ♪

♪ For a special walk
down a special aisle ♪

♪ And I'll kiss the bride ♪

♪ When I stand by the side ♪

♪ Of the girl next door ♪♪