Rage of Paris, The (1938)

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Good afternoon.
Mr. Wright?

Who's calling?
Just a moment, please.

Mr. Wright, Columbia Printing
on the line.

- Towers Model Agency, good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

I'm sorry, Mr. Fitzgerald isn't in yet.

You're welcome.
Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon.
- What do you want, please?

- I'd like to have a job.
- Are you registered here?

- Why no, I'm not, I've never been...
- Were not registering any new girls.

Towers Model Agency, good afternoon.

You have the wrong number,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Good afternoon, Towers Model Agency.

Just a moment.
Mr. Wright...

Good afternoon, Towers Model Agency.

Here you are. Have a seat, miss.

How can I have a job here to...
to model?

- Are you registered?
- Oh, yes, yes, I'm registered.

Did you get a call from
Mr. Write's office?

Why, no. Mr. Wright?

I guess there's nothing
for you then, sorry.

I'm sorry too.

This is Mr. Wright's office?

- I came to see about being a model.
- Did Mr. Wright call you?

Oh, yes, yes, I got a call
from Mr. Wright.

- Go right in.
- Thank you.

I'm want him to put his OK on it
before we print one of them.

He's putting a ball of money
for this deal...

and he has a right to know
what's going on.

Now don't argue with me.
Send the proofs here right away.

I'll be with you in a minute.

- Get me Mr. Trevor's address.
- Yes, sir.

- Did I call you?
- Oh, yes, yes, you called me.

Uh, what was it for?
- Well, I don't know. To be a model?

- And you're French, huh?
- Yes, I'm French.

But the accent won't show
on the pictures.

No, no, of course not.
Let me see...

It must have been this, uh... Yes,
that's it. Now, this is where you'll go.

- Mr. Trevor's address, sir.
- Thank you.

This man is a first-class photographer.
You'll pose with drapes.

Pardon?

With drapes.

With... Oh, draps.

- And what else?
- Nothing else.

Huh?

Oh, you mean you want me
to pose with...

just with...

- Yes.
- What do you think I am?

- I've never...
- You don't want to do it?

Me, no, I never do it.

All right.

You, come in, please.

- Yes, Mr. Wright.
- I have a job for you to pose with drapes.

- For how much?
- Two seventy-five and hour.

He'll want you three hours a day
for about ten weeks.

That's no job, that' s career.

Oh, there's one thing I want
to warn you about.

He's a very impatient man.

Don't keep him waiting because
he's likely to throw things at you.

- I'll be there on time.
- Make sure you are.

Go right in to his studio
and get ready.

Here's the address.

His name is Cairndekker.

Thank you, Mr. Wright.

Here are the proofs for Mr. Trevor.

Oh, yes. Well, send them
right down to, uh...

Mark, I asked you for Mr. Trevor's
address a half hour ago.

- Where is it?
- Yes, Mr. Wright, I put it right here...

- Don't argue with me.
- But, but I remember...

Everyone in this place wants
to argue with me.

- I'm so sorry, but I...
- Get me that address.

Yes, sir.

- But Mr. Wright, I distin...
- Get it!

- Right over there.
- Thank you very much.

Going up.

- Mr. Trevor's office, please.
- See his secretary, please.

- This one?
- Yes, that one.

Thank you.

- Oh, wait a minute.
- I am to see Mr. James Trevor.

Take this to the mail room right away.

Mr. Trevor wants it to get the 3 o'clock
plane. And have it registered.

- What do you want to see him about?
- I am from Towers...

Oh, from Towers, he's expecting you.
Go right in.

Ah, yes. In here?

Yes, right in that door.
He'll be there in just a minute.

Make yourself comfortable.

Yes, yes, of course.
Right away.

Run off about 800.000 copies
and I don't want any argument about it.

Jim, that'll stand us over a quarter
of a milllon dollars before we even...

This isn't your money, so will you be
good boys and do as I tell you, please.

Who is it?

Why, it's... it's, uh...
Huh?

You are Mr. James Trevor, no?

I'm Mr. James Trevor, yes.

How do you do?

- How do you do?
- I'm sorry I'm not ready.

- I know you are very impatient.
- No, no, I'm just curious.

Would you mind telling me what this is
all about or is that asking too much?

- Pardon?
- What is this all for?

Two dollars and seventy-five
cents an hour.

Oh, for two seventy-five, uh?

Is... is it too much?

Oh, no, no, no, as a matter of fact
it's quite reasonable.

I was just thinking that it's worth that
to find out what happens next.

Ah, I cannot get this!

Ah, zut alors!

C'est formidable, ?a ne marche pas...

May I help you?

Oh, no, no, please, I...
I think I can do it myself.

Here's your plane ticket, sir. Mr. Reading
will meet you in Chicago at 10 o'clock.

And he wants you to bring...

Oh, pardon me.

I beg your pardon!

Pardon me!

You are the certain Mr. James Trevor, no?

I 'm Mr. James Trevor,
but not very certain.

But don't let that stop you.
Go right ahead, don't bother.

Where are the draps?

- The what?
- You have the draps?

Uh, I don't know. I had the measles.
What are the draps like?

- Where is your camera?
- My camera?

Oh, my camera! That's a long,
sad story. I lost it.

- You lost it?
- Lost it last winter in Florida.

I put it in the back of my car
and somebody stole it.

And it's the only camera I've ever been
able to make pictures with.

- But you are a photographer, no?
- That's where you got me.

I'm a photographer? No.
And what are you?

I'm a model from Towers.

You're a model from Towers.
What are you doing here?

- Yes, sir?
- Get me Towers on the phone.

Please, please don't, don't...
Don't call them up, please.

It's all right. You know,
I'm not supposed to be here, I...

They didn't send me but they told me
about the draps and I came here...

Please don't do that, I thought you were
a photographer but you have no cameras...

- Don't mind about Towers.
- Yes, sir.

There seems to be something wrong.

Oh, no, nothing's wrong, I promise you.
I just wanted to make a little money.

That's what I was afraid of.

Yes, Mr. Trevor?

- Yes, Mr. Trevor?
- Yes, Mr. Trevor?

Gentlemen, don't you think
this looks a little haywire?

What do you mean by haywire?

I am a model, I tell you,
for $2.75 an hour.

Well, that's undoubtedly a bargain,
but we have no possible use,

unless any of you gentlemen happen
to be photographers, or painters...

Oh, ?a va, j'ai compris, c'est
partout pareil!

En France ou en Am?rique tous
les hommes sont des cochons.

C'est amusant de regarder une femme
se d?sabiller pour rien!

C'est dr?le, c'est spirituel.
Band d'idiots!

Naturellement, ils mettent les pattes
dessus comme toujours.

Cochons!

Well, gentlemen, there must be
a model in there somewhere...

so will you all go back to your offices
and try and find out what it is?

That'll be all, thank you.

Don't bother to go upstairs, Frenchie,
there's a lock on your door.

You're not going to let me in my room?

I'm not going to let you in...

and I'm not going to let your clothes out
till you've paid your rent.

But I don't owe you so much,
I can take a few things.

You can't take a thing, that's the law.

- Now out you get. Go on, out!
- No, I won't!

- You won't?
- It's not fair, I'll get a job tomorrow.

- On your way!
- But you can't do this, you must help me.

If you want help,
get it from Washington!

Washington's dead.
Haven't you heard?

Oh, Gloria, please talk to her.

You keep out of this, Miss Patterson!

I pay $7 a week in this firetrap...

and if there's any fun going on,
I wanna be in on it.

Stop this clatter, I'm trying to think!

It's all right, Grumpy, the queen is trying
to slip Snow White the apple again.

She's four days behind in her rent.

And you're two weeks behind
with your hot water.

I have to live too, you know.

- Why?
- Don't you talk to me like that!

I'll do better than that.
I won't even talk to you at all.

And I'll pay her rent!

- Oh, these people, they just...
- Shut up!

Why are you always so good to me?

Oh, I suppose you have to be good
to something...

and my dog died a week before
you moved in here.

I must get a job tomorrow.

I've been telling you for months that
the only job for a woman is marriage.

Who would marry me?

There's nothing wrong with you that
a nice, rich husband couldn't cure.

Did you marry a rich husband?

I married a hoofer.

All he had was a time step
and a shuffle off to Buffalo.

Late in life he became ambitious.

And got rich?

And got twenty years.

Please, don't feel sorry about him.

But when I married this heel beater
I turned down a man who went millions.

Every time I think of it I want
to cut my throat.

I could have married anyone then.

But you loved the hoofer.

My luck.

We used to go to Reisenweber's
every night after the show.

I could have had anyone there, from the
millionaire johns down to the busboy.

Yeah, he was a funny kid that bus boy.

He...

Say, he's at the Savoy Grand right now.

He'll give you a job.

- Oh, you think so?
- I know so.

He'll do anything I ask him.

And I'll ask him tonight.

Where are you going?

- But this is the Savoy Grand, no?
- Yes, I know.

But let's go round the back
and surprise them.

In here?

Sure, where do you expect to find
the headwaiter, in the bridal suite?

Come on.

I beg your pardon, um...

Thanks!

Danish Dream $1.25.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Black steak peas ? la cream, $5.95.

That's an outrage.

- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, I'm looking for Michael Lebedovitch.

- He's a captain.
- I'm sorry, Lebedovitch is...

Two parfaits Louis XVI, $2.08.

He's in the dining-room,
you'll have to wait.

- Chicken ? la King, salad, $4.89.
- It's very important, sir.

Would you mind sitting down
a moment, please?

Salade russe, $3.40.

- Herman.
- Yes, sir?

What's the idea. In the salade Chiffon
for Mrs. Britton...

the garlic must be just...

Gloria!

I don't believe it!

Oh, it's not you.

Oh, but it is you, and you look so good
I thought we were back in Reisenweber's.

I was a busboy then.

But when glorious Gloria used to come in
after the Follies,

who, who, I ask you, cooked her
eggs and bacon?

- I want to know...
- And I tell you, it was me, Mike the busboy.

- Is this your daughter?
- No, this is my friend, Miss de Cortillon.

- Oh, honored, honored.
- How do you do?

- How do you do?
- What about the garlic.

It was Gloria, Paris, and then Leipzig!

Mike, I'd like to talk to you
when you're not so busy.

Oh, I'm never too busy
to talk to a pal.

Thanks.
Uh, this kid wants a job.

Job?

Yes, she's one of those rare people
who really want to work for a living.

Well, I can't put anybody on right now,
this is the bad season, you know.

Oh, yeah? What do you do in the good
seasons, hang them on the chandeliers?

When it gets better I can't put her on
because I won't be here myself,

I'm going to open my own restaurant.

- Oh, really? When?
- Soon, I've found the place.

But not the money, eh?

I've got the $3.000 to put on the line,
all I need is a little money to renovate.

Well, I'm sure you'll get it.

As soon as I open it, I'll put her on,
probably.

Mike, you're wanted upstairs.
Mr. Duncan just checked in.

- Room 1452.
- Okay.

Excuse me, please, but it's my best customer.
He always wants my personal service.

I'll be right back. Sit and
wait for me, yes?

Excuse me.

That's too bad. It would be
so nice to work here.

Hm-hmm.

Look at those girls in there.

That's where you belong,
not in the kitchen.

The way to a man's heart
is through his eyes, baby.

That's the modern version.

He believes what he sees...

and takes bicarbonate of soda for his
indigestion instead of a wife that can cook.

Those women spend 3 billion dollars
a year in beauty parlors...

and not for cook books.

You're very hard to understand sometimes.

Seventy per cent of all the money
in America is in the hands of women.

You understand that, don't you?

- Yes, but...
- And if the boys don't look out,

the girls will get the other 30%.

Gee, kid, if I looked like you
and knew what I know now,

I'd be in there brushing caviar
over a mink coat this minute.

But you were very beautiful once.

- I saw the pictures.
- Oh, sure, I was a loulou...

but with the brains of a butterfly.

By the time I had sense I looked
like somebody's aunt.

Oh... well, maybe I'd better do
this very soon, no?

Now you're talking, honey.

All we need is some clothes,
a decent place to live...

where you'll meet the right kind of people,
and some money, not very much...

Three thousand dollars.

I'm so sorry, but Mr. Duncan
is such an important man.

- Mike..
- Please, about the garlic.

Mike, you need more money
for your restaurant, don't you?

Well, with another two thousand
I could have the most beautiful...

You wouldn't want to go
in on a deal, would you?

- I'd like to talk to you a little about it.
- You want to talk?

Well, come right in. Can you imagine
you and I being partners?

I have a little place where
we can talk.

We could rent the clothes.
We'll give her a great big buildup.

We'll move right here in the hotel, where
you can keep your eyes on your investment.

It's crazy, it's insane,
it's my $3.000.

What are you talking about,
three thousand dollars?

When she's the rich Mrs. Hosier she'll back
you with the biggest restaurant in town.

Look at her! Can you imagine what she'll
look like when she's all dressed up?

Oh, come on, take a chance!

I'm no gambler.

I saved this money dime by dime.

I'm not going to do it even if it does
mean a hole in the wall...

instead of a great big restaurant.

No. May answer is no,
definitely no!

Do you think it would work?

Right this way, please. I know you're going
to like this apartment.

It's the finest one in the house, really.

Now then, that's the one we want.

Alexander Zubrinski's in Paris this year.

Oh, yes, it's really in season.

Oh, wonderful, g*y Paris. The queen
of all cities in the world.

Entrez, madame.
Mademoiselle.

Southern exposure.
All newly decorated.

Oh, it's lovely.

- She means it'll do.
- Now this way, please.

This, madame, is the sleeping chamber.

Nicole, the bedroom.

- Oh, this is very...
- Hm, it's all right...

Let us start unpacking the few
things we brought along.

Over there, madame,
is the other bedroom.

Now, if there is anything that madame
requires in the way of special service,

we shall be only too happy to arrange
it for you.

We want your stay with us to be
a memorable and enjoyable one...

because we feel that there isn't
a hotel in America...

so well-equipped as ours to make
you as comfortable as you were...

- ...in the home you just left.
- What a sweet thought.

Well, well, well, well...

Uh, well.. does madame wish to order
some luncheon?

Isn't it a little early
for luncheon, captain?

Oh, no, no, we always like
to order early.

Oh...

Madame.

If you need a maid to help you unpack,
you've only to call the clerk at the desk.

I think my niece and I
can manage, thank you.

Remember, we're all ready to serve
you at any time, all of us.

No service too great,
no service too small, thank you.

I thought he was going to stay
for the weekend.

I'm going to get settled.

Gloria, Mike, look, look,
it's beautiful!

Oh, oh, it's like a dream.

It cost $30 a day to rent this coat.
It's no dream, it's a nightmare.

Do you think it's better
with the collar up?

Well... what do I know?

Not very much.
Why did you engage this suite?

Because Bill Duncan lives
across the hall.

And who is Bill Duncan?

He has 10 million dollars
and owns half of Canada.

Oh! In that case...

we're going to dedicate
this little number to him.

Try it on, darling.

Look out, the cigarette, don't!

Oh... oh, I'm sorry!
I didn't see.

She didn't see it. But if she burns
the coat, we have to buy the coat.

and if we have to buy the coat,
we have to go to jail.

And if you go to jail, you'll get a pardon
because you're so cute.

- Right.
- Try it on, darling.

She's such a child.

And while she's growing up it's costing me
$60 a day for this suite.

And that's a little over
4 cents a minute.

If you lose one penny on this deal,
I'll give you my right eye.

And I'll take it.

Oh, if I only had $10 left, I'd go
to a doctor and have my head examined.

Come on, tell me more about
this Duncan man.

He owns half of Canada,
isn't that enough?

Maybe we could do better than that.

Ah, Mrs. Patterson, may I have
your credit card for...

I... I don't know...

It feels all right to me.

- May I ask the meaning of this?
- The lady complained about the chairs.

They feel a bit hard.
I was just trying them out.

Yes, I think it must be stuffed
with feathers from uh, uh...

- ...a stool pigeon.
- Personally, for me...

- Never mind, never mind.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, it's all right once you're in it.
It's the first meeting that's wrong.

Yes, I understand.

Captain, you're wrong, there is
a decided shock.

How are the others?
Try that one.

Yes, sir.

It's just like being a test pilot.

- How's that one, madame?
- Oh, this is divine.

See? Oh, if I just had my boots
and saddle.

Gloria.

Gloria!

What's the matter, dear?

I'd like to have breakfast.

- I thought you were frightened.
- No, I want my breakfast right here.

- In bed?
- Hm-hm. I want some honeydew melon...

and some toasts with lots of butter.

And then, and then, and then
I want some bacon...

Some bacon and eggs...
Two eggs, two eggs.

And then...
Then I want some sausage.

- Some sausage... and a jelly doughnut
- Is that all?

No, no, no, no.
I want some coffee... and a shower.

All right, darling, I'll order it.

That will be all.

Room service, please.

This is 1460.
One toast and one coffee, please.

Well, do we do that Bill Duncan business
this morning or have you lost your nerve?

No, no, I'll do it. But suppose
he don't believe it?

When he gets a look at you in that
new outfit, he'll want to believe it.

You think so?

Sure. Then it'll be the same old story,
and the same old setting.

Lunch one day, dinner the next.
Hockey games, races, nightclubs...

- Oh, I like that.
- That doesn't mean a thing.

But, if he invites you to the opera
and sits you in the family box,

Then, my dear, that's love.

Charlie! Charlie, mon bijou,
qu'est-ce que tu fais l??

?a c'est inuo?, je ne
te croyais pas ici.

Oh, il faut que je t'embrasse.

Oh, ?a c'est fou, alors.

Tu te rappelles il y a dix ans sur la place
quand tu as perdu ton maillot...

tellement tu etais maigre?

Qu'est-ce qu'on a pu rire!

I beg your pardon, but I don't know
what you're saying.

Mais, Charlie, tu ne sais plus
parler fran?ais?

I'm sorry, but I don't understand French.

Eh, have you been in the w*r?

No!

- You are well?
- Quite well, thank you. How are you?

You are not Charlie DuMarais who was
so big and played with me in Cannes...

when we lived next door?

Well, I was so big, but I didn't live next
door to you and I was never in Cannes.

- Oh, you're not Charlie.
- No, I'm Bill.

- Oh... oh, I'm sorry, I...
- Don't be, please.

I thought you... oh...

Excuse me, I didn't...

Good morning, Mr. Duncan.

Hey! Jim!

It's a pal of mine.
Haven't seen him since last New Year's.

Hey, Jim!

- Hey, Jim!
- Shhh!!!

- Bill! When did you get in?
- Shhh!

- Didn't you get my letter?
- Shhh!

- I just missed you in Chicago.
- Shhh!

- I know, I phoned your office.
- Shhh!

- Why don't you move in to my place.
- Shhh!

I can't hear a word you're saying.
These people are making too much noise.

Shhh!

I'll see you outside.

- Shhh!
- Excuse me, I'll be right back.

- What's the matter?
- Well, I know this man, he...

- Hello there, how's everything in Winnipeg?
- What's with the moustache?

Oh, that's something I picked up
when I had the flu.

Remember the go-around we had
New Year's Eve?

Do I? I didn't sober up till Easter.

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

- Who's he talking to?
- It can't be us.

The curtain is about to go up.

Look, will you go out and buy yourself
a nice pair of long pants?

You're getting to be a big boy now.

Please go away.

- Who are you with?
- Oh, an advertiser.

- Get rid of him and join us.
- Wish I could, but he's got a big contract.

- Forget the contracts, come on.
- I can't, it's business.

- Who are you with?
- A girl.

- Local entry?
- No, she's from Paris.

- Kentucky?
- France. Oh, Jim, she's really something.

Two diplomats tried to blow
her brains out last year...

because she wouldn't marry them.

- Sounds interesting.
- Interesting? She's marvelous.

The rage of Parisian society.
Daughter of a French baron or something.

- Her aunt told me so.
- Oh, she has an aunt.

All girlfriends have aunts.

Never mind the aunt.
When do I meet the girl?

- Do you still like brunettes?
- Sure, you know me.

That's fine, she's a blonde.

I can't wait.

- But suppose he brings him in here.
- Oh, he won't until after intermission.

Mrs. Patterson. May I present
my best friend, Jim Trevor.

- How do you do?
- Nicole, this is Jim Trevor.

I wanted him to join us later
but he couldn't make it...

so I brought him in to say hello.

Charmed.

And don't believe a word he says.

I wouldn't miss going to your party
for the world.

Really?

And now we'll see what comes next.
A little salad, perhaps?

- Where's that on the menu?
- Right here, monsieur.

For the entr?e, I would suggest
poulet vinaigrette sous cloche,

la sp?cialit? de la maison.

- Here that, mamma?
- How about ham 'n eggs?

- Two ham and eggs then.
- I think I'll have a little roast duck.

Excuse me, please.

Mrs. Patterson, mademoiselle,
Monsieur Duncan.

- I have a beautiful table for three.
- I wish you were right.

- Make it for four, Mike.
- Right this way, please.

- Why four?
- We're having company for supper.

- Who?
- Trouble.

On my money having trouble
for supper.

On the double, you.

- Sit down, Jim.
- Thank you.

And is the young lady staying
in the hotel too?

Oh, yes, right across the hall
from me with her aunt.

How cozy.

A little supper perhaps?
May I suggest some Russian specialties?

Shashlick, or c?telette de Moscou.

- Why is it trouble?
- He knows all about Nicole.

Why did you tell him?
The lobster is very nice tonight.

No, I don't care for lobster.
Besides, I didn't tell him, you dope.

Dope is right, my money's all gone.

Uh, poulet de vinaigrette?

What are you ordering, Mrs. Patterson?

Oh, a little poulet vinaigrette pour madame.

And pour monsieur, perhaps a little fish?

- I'll have the same as madame.
- Very well, sir.

Your party, Mr. Duncan?

- Yes, it's a sort of celebration.
- Oh, in that case a little champagne,

Mo?t et Chandon, lobster, cold with a sauce
supreme for you and mademoiselle?

- That'll be fine.
- Very well, sir.

Two very nice cold lobsters
and two tough chickens.

- Why tough?
- Never mind, never mind...

How long have you been
in New York, mademoiselle?

- Oh... well, I...
- Just a week.

- She arrived the same day I did.
- A week?

I should have said you'd been
here much longer.

- Oh, she fools everyone.
- I'm sure she does.

That reminds me, I don't know why,

but the funniest thing happened to me
about three weeks ago.

- This young lady came in and said...
- Wouldn't you young people like to dance?

- Oh, yes!
- It would be my great pleasure if I may.

Yes, but it's my pleasure first.

- I'm sorry to interrupt your story.
- I'll tell it to you later.

You know, Bill's a very old friend of mine.
We've known each other...

So I gathered when you two boys
nearly broke up the opera tonight.

Ever since we were about...

- Now give me my key.
- Keep your head.

Next time I'll keep my money too.

You know, I'm very much interested in
your niece. There's a girl I...

You know, I don't know how that dear
child does it, but every man she meets...

I'm sorry, but my interest
is not romantic.

Oh... oh, I'm so glad.
Oh, that'll be such a relief to her, too.

You know, that no one is interested
in her.

Now wait, there's one thing I want to ask
you before Bill comes back to the table.

Uh, Mo?t et Chandon '28, sir.

- Yes, but serve it later, please!
- But a glass for madame.

- Oh, yes...
- All right, but make it quick!

With lightning, sir.

Now, your niece came into my...

Would you like some bitters
in your wine, sir?

- No!
- Some people like it.

- I do.
- I don't!

Yes, sir, one does, one doesn't.

Now, you will probably want
to sh**t me...

There's one thing about Bill
I want to tell you...

Would you like to try some first, sir?

Will you please serve it
and get out of here?

But a glass for madame.

One thing about Bill I want
you to know...

- Atta boy, keep it up.
- In a moment I'll pour it down his neck.

- Thank you.
- A glass for you, sir?

Wouldn't you like to pull up a chair
and join the party?

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

But the help is not allowed
to sit with the guests.

Thank you just the same.

- Now, about your niece...
- Oh, here they come!

Oh, come on, let's drink to them.
O, they make such a lovely couple.

You're just in time. The waiter insisted
upon pouring the wine.

I wish he'd insist on pouring
some for me.

Immediately, sir.

Well, I had the most wonderful chat
with your aunt while you went dancing.

Did you tell your funny story?

No, I didn't, I wanted to wait till
you got back to the table.

I thought perhaps mademoiselle
would like to...

To dance? But certainly,
if you'd like.

Oh, my friend, it comes just
at the right time.

And remember, don't believe a word
he says to you.

Jim and I are great friends.

- Yes, so he told me, Mr. Duncan.
- Why don't you call me Bill?

If I were fifteen years younger,
I'd do better than that.

Why, Mrs. Patterson!

Call me Gloria.

Well?
Come on, come on, come on.

Tell me the whole story.
Just pretend I'm your uncle...

like you're pretending she's your aunt.

Pardon?

Now, listen, I know there's a lot of monkey
business going on.

All I want to be sure of is that my friend
Bill isn't going to be the monkey.

- No?
- No.

Come on.

Too many people about, we'll go to the bar.

- No, no, I don't go to the bar.
- What'll you have to drink?

I don't drink anything with you.

Well then, back we go to the table
and I tell them the whole story.

- I... I drink a champagne c*ck.
- Fine.

- Two champagne c*ck.
- Yes, sir.

Well, I'm all ears.

So you won't talk.

All right, you don't have to.
I'll do the talking.

Now this whole act is to impress Bill
that you're a nice gal from a nice family

You want to marry him and then
in a few months you'll divorce him...

and then live happily ever after
on the alimony, right?

It's a very cheap, dishonest idea,
and I hate it.

Shall I go on?

- Go ahead. I can took it.
- Good.

I can dish it out too.

I want you to lay off Bill.

I want you to tell him the truth.

Because if you don't, I will.

- But you don't know anything about me.
- I know enough about you.

You were in my office three weeks ago
with another kind of racket.

And once Bill hears about that,
mademoiselle, you're fini, and then I...

Mademoiselle, your dinner is
already served.

Are you here again?

Here? Why, yes, sir. I've been
in this hotel for eleven years.

Well, will you get out of here
for five minutes?

Yes, sir. Right away.
Thank you.

Well, have you decided to go tell him?

- I'll tell him.
- Good.

Tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, you're going to tell him
right now while I'm here.

I started this thing and I want
to be in on the finish.

All right, you'll see the finish.

Sorry to have been rough on you but...

w*r is w*r.

You said it, Mr. Trevor.

That's strange.
They're not dancing.

Hm? Oh, they must be.
I saw them just a...

- Oh, there they are.
- Where?

- At the bar.
- Oh, yes. What are they doing over there?

I know one way to find out.
Let's join them.

Nice friend I have.

I've heard that man's best friend
is always the dog.

Here they come.

All right, I...
I'll try to do a good job.

- Remember us?
- I just loaned her to you for a dance...

- ...but this is going too far.
- Oh, Bill, I'm sorry, but...

we have been talking and...

- Shall I tell him now?
- Certainly, go ahead.

- Tell me what?
- A story.

Mr. Trevor wants me
to tell you a story.

Oh, uh, don't you think you'd
better to tell me first?

No, no, I can tell it to everybody.

He wants me to tell you that I once
went to his office and...

- That's right?
- Hm-hmm.

And...

Well, he was taking photographs...

and I was supposed to be
a model to pose with draps...

and he says it will be a big joke.

Don't you think it's funny?

- Very funny.
- Excrutiating.

Don't you see why it's so funny?

Because I never posed for one picture
and he's not a photographer.

Everybody knows this.

And... and he says...
Do you know what he says?

He says, if I tell you this he's going to
take me out for dinner tomorrow night.

You little doublecrosser.

I beg your pardon, Mr. Trevor.

- We'd better leave, Mr. Duncan.
- I'll see you to your rooms.

Mr. Trevor seems to be
a very peculiar man.

I'm sorry, I could have sworn
you were sober.

That'll be two fifty, sir.

Take out for the glass too, please.

Uh, the glass is on me, sir.

I can't understand it.

He changed so completely.
Inside a year, too.

I knew a man once whose hair
turned white overnight.

Well, I wouldn't believe it
about Jim unless I'd seen it.

You know this man wouldn't believe it
about his hair...

until he became bald the following night?

But that convinced him.

- Please, Gloria.
- Oh, I was just telling him.

Well, don't forget we have a breakfast date
on the terrace in the morning.

- Good night, Mrs. Patterson.
- Good night, Bill.

I promise to find your jelly doughnuts.

Even if I have to turn the whole
of New York inside out,

I'll get them.

Thank you, Bill.

Good night, Nicole.

Good night.

If Little Orphan Annie gets out of
this jam she'll be a miracle woman.

Nice trick you pulled in the bar.

Yeah, that's why I'm here.

You know, there's something
very phony about that girl.

- She's not what you think she is at all.
- Find a new line, Jim.

But really, Bill, I'm serious.

Oh, sure you are.
Remember Bermuda?

Sonia wasn't worthy of me and you
finished up with her in Honolulu.

- But this is different.
- And I did the same thing to you in Miami.

- What was her name?
- Heloise. Now let's be sensible about this.

I intend to be. I don't blame you
for trying, but it won't work.

All right, be smart.

But I tell you she's a phony and I'm going
to prove it to you if it takes a month.

Oh, Jim, Nicole's the wrong girl
for your brand of humor.

The young lady in your party
forgot her wrap.

It wasn't my party,
and she's not a lady.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. But I'm sure you know
your friends better than I do.

- Who is it?
- It's her fur coat with me.

What kind of a business is leaving
fur coats around?

- What do you think, they grow on trees?
- Now, now, be quiet.

Calm yourself. You should be proud
of our little girl tonight.

She certainly saved us all.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

The way you got rid of him,
that was great.

Allow me to be the first one
to congratulate you.

You turned the tide of battle.

What's the matter?

It's the first time anyone has ever said
anything like that to me before.

Said what?

He said I'm cheap.

Well, you certainly paid him
back for that.

In spades. He's got some nerve!
Cheap.

I'll figure it out just now
how much it cost.

$87.50 in rental. Cheap!
What does he want you to wear? Radium?

- He meant I was dishonest.
- Darling, all women are dishonest.

If they weren't, the world would be
divided in two classes of people.

Old maids and bachelors.
Look...

that's dishonest.
Plucking your eyebrow is dishonest.

The rouge on your cheeks is dishonest.

And a fat woman in a girdle?
That's highway robbery.

If marrying a nice boy like Bill
is the wrong idea,

don't tell me that starving and waiting
for a Prince Charming...

to ride up on a white horse
is the right one.

Of course, it's so simple.

When I put parsley on a steak,
does anybody eat the parsley?

No, it's just for show.

Now, what you are doing,
you're just putting parsley...

Please, stop talking about that.

Oh, Nicole, don't let that
Trevor influence...

Leave me alone.

- Now look, I'm a partner...
- Leave her alone!

- You're just the silent partner.
- Leave her alone.

Somebody calls her cheap and right
away she gets unreasonable.

But can I get unreasonable? No!

Now Mike, everything's going
to be all right.

Sure, it's going to be great!

I started out to get a restaurant...

now I'll be lucky if I wind up
with a ham sandwich!

Miss de Cortillon, please.
I'm calling for Mr. James Trevor.

The line's still busy, sir.

Just hold on. She'll run out of breath
sooner or later.

Yes, sir, we all do, sooner or later.

I'm still waiting, operator.

It's a dangerous business, sir,
interfering between a man and a maid.

Yes, Rigley. I know when I'm in trouble
without you telling me.

I had a similar situation
in my own family, sir.

As a matter of fact that's how my
second cousin lost his right eye.

I'm still waiting, operator.

Mr. Duncan's my best friend.
That's the only reason I'm doing it.

It was my second cousin's brother, sir,
who knocked out my second cousin's eye.

Hello, is this the Rage of Paris,

the Pride of Hoboken, or whatever
you're calling yourself today?

This is Jim Trevor, where's Bill?

Well, you can get Mr. Duncan
at his club.

- He's at a meeting.
- Oh, he's at a meeting, that's grand,

because you're going to have
dinner with me tonight.

What? Oh, no.
I don't like you, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm not sorry at all,

but you're still going to have dinner
with me at 7:30 sharp.

No?

Remember those four men in my office?
Well, they remember you.

And if you don't come, I'm going
to have the whole quartet...

down there singing Mammy right in front
of your door until Bill comes home.

Eat!

It's not poison.

Anything else, miss?

No.

Well, I'm sorry you didn't
enjoy your dinner.

Well, I... I'd rather like to know
why I'm here.

Well, I thought there might be
a chance for us to find...

a nice friendly way of calling
off hostilities.

Pardon?

Ending our little w*r.

Oh.

- You can serve the coffee now.
- Yes, sir.

Isn't there any way I can stop you
from marrying Bill?

You're not going to tell me you're
madly in love with him.

Is that French wine?

Do you love him?

I... I would like to leave now, please.

You're a very smart girl.

- No, I don't think so.
- Oh yes, you are.

Because if you told me you were in love
with him I wouldn't believe you...

but by refusing to answer you get
the credit for being honest.

Bill is very lucky.

To get you?

No, to have a friend like you,
who fights so hard for him.

Come on, why don't you
be regular and just...

drop the whole thing?

- I would need money.
- That's what I thought.

Three thousand dollars.

Ah... three thou...

Did you hear that, Rigley?

- You want me to, sir?
- I do.

- I did.
- Good.

And remember it when I bring
Mr. Duncan back here.

No, no...

No, you can't do that.

I didn't want you to give it to me.
It's a trick, it's terrible.

I know it's terrible, but it's my turn.

- Now you just sit down and relax.
- No, I... let me go!

- Rigley.
- Yes, sir?

If this lady is not here when
I get back, you're fired.

- Thank you, sir.
- This is not fair, you can't do...

All's fair in love and w*r,
and this is a little bit of both.

- You can't do that!
- I'm sorry, mademoiselle,

but the age of chivalry is dead and when
I come back I'll take you to the funeral.

You big fool, will you let me go?
This is a free country, I...

You have no right to do
that to me. Let me go...

How old are you?

- Huh?
- How old are you?

- Why?
- Oh, I'd just like to know.

Never mind how old I am.

Oh, don't be nasty.

You have to watch me but we might as well
be good friends until they come back.

Forty-six.

No, really? But you look ten years
younger than that.

- Nonsense.
- No nonsense.

You're a very attractive young man.

You know what you ought to do?
You ought to go to France.

All the women would be crazy
about you, if you know what I mean.

You're wasting your breath, miss,
talking to me like that.

All right, I'll shut up.

- How did you ever do that?
- What?

Oh, that's easy.

- Why, it's marvelous.
- No, it's nothing.

I can do much better than that.

- Really?
- Sure.

- Do you have a watch?
- Yes.

Now, watch the watch.

Why, that's wonder...

Where's my watch?

Right here.

- My sincere appreciation.
- Oh, that's nothing yet.

But you should see what I could do
with, uh... with those flowers.

What could you do with them?

Well, I could... I could make each
one light up like a lamp.

No! How could you possibly do that?

Well, that's a professional secret.

You wait in this corner,
turn your face to the wall...

and count slowly to 25.

and then you turn around
and you will see them.

All right.

One, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven, eight...

- Yes, Mr. Snyde.
- Did you find out about that train?

Yes, sir, I did, sir. There's a train that
leaves Grand Central Station...

and connects with the B-H

- I beg your pardon, but...
- Just a minute, sir, please.

It leaves New York at 8 p.m. and you get
to Montreal next morning about...

Can I stop over at Albany?

I'm terribly sorry but this is
very important.

- Are you a member of this club, sir?
- No, I'm not, but...

Well, will you kindly wait till
I get through?

Uh, we were deciding...

On the noon train you'll have
a four-hour layover in Albany.

- Four hours?
- That's the best connection we can make, sir.

Very well, then I won't go.

Four hours in Albany, imagine that.

Uh, is Mr. Duncan here?

- Who, sir?
- William Jerome Duncan.

William Jerome Duncan.
Senior or Junior?

Junior, he's at a meeting.

Oh, he's left. It was a very short
meeting tonight.

- He said he'd be at his hotel, sir.
- All right.

Oh, Bill, I want you to come up
to my apartment, I've got someth...

Oh! Good evening.

Well, this is a surprise.

Well, I think I have to leave now...
I'm in a hurry.

Good night.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

This is my cousin Theresa,
and my uncle Edward.

- How do you do?
- I'm so happy.

Captain and Mrs. MacMasters.
This is Nicole, and her aunt, Mrs. Patterson.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

My cousin George Morgan
and my aunt Emilia.

How do you do?

Mother, this is Nicole.

My dear child.

I'm so happy to see you.

Thank you, it's very nice to meet you.

Come on, I want you to meet Father.

- And you are Mrs. Patterson?
- Yes, I am.

Bill has told me about you too.

I've been to Paris several times.

My brother Eric has a branch
of his business over there.

On the Champs-Elys?es.

You know, I think your niece
resembles you quite a lot.

Perhaps I should say you resemble
your niece.

Oh, it doesn't matter,
we all look alike in our family.

I'm glad we don't in ours.

Mrs. Duncan and I want you
and your aunt to come up...

and spend a few weeks with us
at Winnipeg.

That's very nice.

It'll give us a chance to get
better acquainted and, uh...

I'm sure you'll like it there.

Do you like her?

Caviar, pheasant, champagne.
This is a celebration.

Boy, have I got a restaurant,
have I got a restaurant...

- I don't know.
- You don't know?

- Well, have you?
- I have, I have the best!

I have the most marvelous, I have...

Now you sit over there
till I need you.

Yes, sir.

- I can't do this, sir.
- You do as you're told.

You aren't working on borrowed time anyway.
I should have fired you last Tuesday.

Why don't you fire me now, sir?

Well, if you do a good job tonight,
perhaps I will.

Thank you very much, sir.

And my policy has always been...

never to see the family except
at weddings and funerals.

There's Jim.

Well, we must be off.

But you've only just arrived,
Mrs. Patterson.

Well, you see, we're, uh... we're going
to ride to the hounds in the morning.

It's tally-h* at dawn.

Yes, you got to be up very early
in the morning to catch a fox.

Yes, and stay up very late at night
to catch a mink.

This is a surprise.

It's always a surprise when someone
not invited shows up, isn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim, I didn't know
you wanted to come.

- Oh, forget it.
- Hello.

We've met before, I just
can't place you.

Oh, you remember good old Rigley.

- Oh, yes, how do you do, Mr. Rigley?
- How do you do, sir?

My man.

Oh...

That's a very funny idea.

Make yourself comfortable, Rigley.

Now speak your little piece, Rigley,
and we'll get out of here.

Well, I, uh... I...

Go on, speak up, speak up!

- Well... I can't do this, Mr. Trevor.
- All right, then I will.

Last Tuesday night your fianc?e was
in my apartment trying to get $3.000.

Sorry, but you asked for it.

Mr. Duncan!

You big chump.

We must go now, sir.

Remember my second cousin.
Am I fired now, sir?

- No!
- Oh!

I saw the whole thing, Mr. Duncan,
he pulled a knife on you.

What's happened?
What did they do?

Nicole.

- Where's Nicole?
- Don't worry, my dear, we'll find her.

Oh, that child's always running
to fights and fires.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know that would happen.

Please come back and I will make clear
what you meant.

Oh...

Something is broken?

Oh, you must call a doctor.

But... wh-wh-where are we going?

Oh, take me back.
Stop this car!

Take me back, you hear me?

You can go back when Duncan
knows all about you.

- I'll tell him everything...
- You've told him everything once before.

No, you can come back with me.
I'll fix it up...

You'll probably fix it so they'll
call the police.

I'm sorry, young lady,
but you're too tricky.

But I won't do any more tricks.
I promise you.

From now on you can do all
the tricks you know

but they won't do you any good.

- What are you going to do with me?
- I haven't made up my mind yet.

Well, I don't go with you.
I jump out!

Go ahead, it's your neck,
break it if you want to.

Oh, you are a... a... a...

- Beast, that's the word.
- Yes, beast, that's what you are.

- Right.
- Now you turn right back!

Look out!

Now will you please tell me where
you are going to take me?

Be quiet and keep still and you'll
soon find out.

Well, I don't care, because
when I get there, I get back.

Sure. How?

What's that?

- I kitchhitch.
- You what?

I kitchhitch.

You mean hitchhike.

That's what I said.

Splendid.

The place where we're going, the only
thing that goes by is a milk truck.

And that's at 4 o'clock in the morning.

And I have a lot of practice doing this.

Ow!

Oh, that's nothing. Just wait.
I'll make a lot of trouble for you.

Go ahead.

I can took it.

Well, here's where we get out.

I don't get out.

Oh, that's too bad, because I'm going
in there and where I go my coat goes.

So sorry, please.

I stay right here.

I'd turn up the window if I were you.
It's safer.

Safer?

Yes. Not that I think anything
will happen...

but I think it's wiser not to take any
chances with so many wild animals about.

- Oh, I'm not afraid.
- Oh, you're not. That's fine.

Hey!

Watch your step. It's rough here.
I don't want you to break your neck.

I'm sorry I can't wish you the same.

Oh, what's that?

That's the old caretaker. He used to be
a hog-calling champion.

- What's a hog.
- A hog's a very big pig.

Now I could say something.

But I don't.

Hellooo!

Hello, Pops! It's me, Jimmy!

Jimmy? Oh, it can't be true.

Hey, let me have a look at you.

Why, it is Jimmy.
Gosh, it's good to see you.

- And you're looking fine.
- I feel grand.

It's been so long since
you've been up here...

that I was beginning to commence
to forget what you looked like.

- Ohh...
- How are you, miss?

Say, son, what are you doing
up in this neck of the woods?

Oh, that's a long story, Pops.

- Well, it ought to be worth hearing.
- I'll tell you later.

- Right.
- I'll open the house and light the fire.

- Grand.
- So it'll be nice and warm for you.

Okay.

Come on.

Now I go on a sit-down strike.

Then I'd better get you a coat.

No, I don't want any coat.
I'm going to get pneumonia and die.

Then what will you do with the body?

I'll show you.

- You're going inside and like it!
- No, please don't!

- Oh, are you ticklish?
- Yes, I'm ticklish!

Well, here you are.
Make yourself at home.

By golly, it's about time.

Pops! You better feed this lady.
She's pretty wild.

- I'm not!
- Well, the best to both of you.

So you got him in double harness, eh?

I always said when he got spliced
he'd pick out a lollapalooza like you.

What did he call me, a lollapa...?

I hope you'll be as happy as two
jailbirds in a cherry tree.

And I'm mighty glad that somebody
as purty as you...

is in the family at last.

- Pardon?
- He thinks we're married.

Pops, you got this all wrong.
Now let me explain.

- I met this...
- Why don't we tell him the truth?

I have every intention of telling
him the truth.

- I think we should tell him.
- It didn't need to be told.

I noted the minute I seen him carry
you over the doorstep.

It's a custom in these parts.

Pops, it may be the custom to do that,
but there's also a custom...

Don't be mad, Jimmy.

You know, it's a secret, but if you
have to know, you have to know, hm?

Oh, secret, eh?
Well, I won't tell a soul.

I'll have something for you to eat
in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Why did you tell him we were married?

I didn't tell him, he told me.
I said yes... Jimmy.

Stop calling me Jimmy!

Well, if you like I'll call you Mr. Trevor,
but I think it sounds funny from a bride.

You're not a bride and you're
not going to be.

That's why you're here.

And you're going to stay here until
you make Bill Duncan understand...

what you are and what you did.

But if I stay here and I don't say we are
married, I get a bad reputation.

And I get a bad reputation if you do.

- Well.
- Well what?

- Then take me back.
- Not until you've learned to agree with me.

Okay, Jimmy.

Here's some country ham, some country
cheese and some homemade bread.

If I'd knowed you was coming up I'd have
cooked a goose and baked a cake for you.

Oh, this will do nicely, Pops.

Well, when you get through eating you just
ring the bell and I'll come clear up.

Where is the bell?

Now, son, you know darn well
we ain't got no bell.

Just give out the old holler.
You know,

- I remember.
- Yeah...

Hey, ain't you eating nothing?

No, thank you.

Girls nowadays don't eat no more
than a hummingbird.

Ain't feeling poorly, are you?

Oh, no, I'm just nervous, I think.

Yeah... Well, I kinda thought
it would be her case.

- Mr. Pops.
- Yeah?

- Where is the telephone?
- Right over there.

But it ain't connected.

- Not connected?
- No.

Well, can't you make it connected?

Oh, sure, I'll notify the company
first thing in the morning.

They'll send a man up to fix it...

in about a week or ten days.

That's what they call services
up here.

But I got another name for it.

I always thought the French
liked to eat.

- Yes, but they are very particular.
- About their food?

No. About who they eat with.

Who is this man?

It's my great-uncle.

He's a bachelor, and rich, and he's
dead, so you can't eat with him either.

Why do they all have g*ns?

- They were hunting.
- Oh, hunters.

I come from a long line of hunters.

Oh, no...

No, I think you come from a long
line of sourpusses.

And you're a sourpuss too,
that's natural.

- Oh, is that so?
- Ah, is that so?

Oh, I'm so sorry you won't eat with me.
But of course, I understand...

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Well, you might as well let me
in on the joke, I'm not going to...

Oh, it's not a joke for you,
it's a big joke for me.

I'm just thinking what happens
when Bill Duncan comes here.

Oh, is Bill Duncan coming here?

Sure!

He comes right in here and says,
you asked for it, Jim, and...

right in the nose, and you'll fall
over there in this direction...

Oh... pardon me.

I'd better remove this so you
don't cut your head.

Because if you cut your head we will have
to put a bandage on it and...

we don't want to be bothered
with that.

Naturally not.

You think that's the way
it'll happen, do you?

Why not? It happened that way before,
it happens that way again.

- And you like the idea?
- Oh, I think it will be a lot of fun.

Yes.

- Well, I'm going to bed.
- What?

I'm going to bed.
I've had a very tiring day.

Oh, but I can't stay here.
I have nothing to...

You'll find everything you need
in that room there.

Pajamas in the dresser and slippers
under the bed.

But I want to go back to New York.

Oh, that's very simple. You just
take this road down here...

turn to your left, it's 86 miles, and you
ought to be able to make it in about...

uh, four days on foot.

If you don't take me back,
I'll scream!

Go ahead.

Pretty good.
Try it again.

Good.
Good night.

Coming... coming.

I heared you the first time.

Hey, you didn't eat much, did you?

More than a humming bird, though.

What is it?

Oh...

Oh... you was asleep?

No, I was doing a fan dance.

I'm very sorry.

I suppose you're afraid of that
great big room.

Now you go back and get
scared to death.

- No, no, I'm not afraid, I...
- Well, I am. So go away.

But I can't get the window open.

Well, it's very simple.
All you do is just lift it up.

Yes, but I have lift up and...
nothing happens.

- Then, just lift up again.
- And if nothing happens again?

Then go to sleep.

But I can't go to sleep if the window
is not up. I need the fresh air.

You know, it's a very big house. All the
fresh air is outside and inside is nothing.

All right, I'll get you your fresh air.

See? It's not so easy.

Must be stuck down there.
The rest seems to go up.

I'll get it.

There you are.

Thank you very much.

- Now get some sleep.
- No, no, not until I lock my door.

You don't have to lock your door.
I'm locking mine.

Well, I'm going to lock my door too,
just the same.

I really don't care what you lock,
but get to bed!

What is it now?

Same thing, the window.

What's the matter with the window?

Oh, nothing's the matter with
the window.

It's you. You shut the door so hard...

that you bring the window down
and I cannot put the window up.

So it's not up.

I'll fix your window.

Thank you.

I hope that's all.

How can I get a glass of water?

That's practically impossible to get
up here in the mountains...

because you have to go all the way
from here to there.

Take the carafe between the thumb
and the forefinger,

carefully removing the top
and laying it gently to the side,

then lifting the glass, this is
the glass, and...

And?

And then I go out and get you
a glass of water.

No, no, I don't want some,
I think it's too complicated.

Well, if there's anything else you want,
will you please tell me now...

or forever after give me peace?

No, thank you. I think I'm going
to look out of the window.

- If you don't mind.
- No, no, it all comes with the dinner.

- Pardon?
- Nothing, nothing, go ahead,

look out the window, do anything you...

Anything you please.

The country's nice.
Everything is so quiet.

And the little animals talk
to one another...

because people are asleep
and cannot harm them.

Well, I think I'm going to
like it here...

while we are waiting for Bill Duncan
to come and knock you down.

Oh, it is so lovely.

Au secours!
Au secours!

Help! Help!

Hey, will you stop kicking!

Don't do that!
Don't do that!

There.

How in the world did you do that?

Vous ?tes fou, vous ?tes un idiot
en claquant les portes!

What did you say?

You pig, you did it with the door!
Get out!

Oh now, wait.
Here...

It's all right.
Come on, sit down.

- My back...
- There, lightly, there...

- You k*ll my back.
- Now...

It hurts me.
Look, is it bleeding?

No, but it's sort of red.

- The blood is red?
- No, no, the back...

I'll get something to rub on it.

- Alcohol would be good.
- Yes, alcohol!

Here, don't make such a fuss.
You're not gonna die.

- But I'm going to be a cr*pple.
- Oh...

It's just a cramp where the window
came down on a muscle.

- What's that?
- Brandy.

- French brandy?
- Yes, of course.

- Good.
- Does that sting?

- Does it what?
- Sting, you know, like a bee.

Oh, yes, yes it does.
Is that good?

Yes, it means you're practically
all better.

Once the blood gets circulated you'll
forget you ever had a pain.

Come on, straighten up.

There we are.

- You don't think it's broken?
- No, it's not even bent.

How's that?

Well, I think me and my back
feel much better now.

Good. Now get to bed.

Yes, please.

Now remember in the future that bad girls
who do bad things always get hurt.

Do you want these lights anymore?

Well, good night.
I hope it'll be the last time.

Mr. Trevor.

Yes?

I... I have something to tell you.

What is it?

You think I'm very terrible, no?

No. But I think that some of the things
you do aren't very nice.

Mr. Trevor, I think there's something
you don't know about women.

Lots. But I'm eager to learn.

You know, when a girl gets engaged,

her mother doesn't say, I'm happy
because Alphonse is so handsome.

But she says, I'm happy because Alphonse has
such a wonderful job at the gas company.

That's true. I never thought of that.

And this is very sensible.

Because when the children come, it's nice
for them to have everything.

I know, because I had to get
a job in the chorus...

and I came all the way to America
to work in the Casino de France.

And when they closed up I had nothing.

Except one good friend, Gloria.

And Mike, the headwaiter.

He puts up the money so I can have nice
clothes and maybe meet a nice man.

Don't you think it's better to love
the man you're going to marry?

Not always.

Gloria married an off to Buffalo.

I don't understand that.

Well, maybe you understand this.

I don't think I'll marry Bill Duncan.

Why not, if that's what you believe in?

Yes, every woman believes this.

But every woman has a big danger.

She meets a boy, she likes
the way he talks.

The way his hands look, the way
he looks when he gets angry.

And then she falls in love with him.

And she doesn't care whether
he has money or not.

I see.

You've met such a man?

I think so.

It woudn't be me by any chance, hm?

Well, tell me one thing more then.

When did you find out I had
more money than Bill Duncan?

Please go now.

Go.

- Good morning, son.
- Good morning,

How are you this fine morning?

A little tired. I had rather
a hectic night last night.

Yeah? Well I slept like a log all night.
Didn't hear anything.

But I'm kind of deaf,
and that sort of helps.

Bring lots of coffee, will you, Pops?

Sure, lots of coffee, ham and eggs
and biscuits.

Ham and eggs all right for you too?

Who are you yelling at?

- The missus.
- Oh, she's not in there, she's in here.

Come on, time to get started.

She mad at you?

Nicole!

Maybe she's playing possum.

Nicole!

Oh, I guess she's gone.

Well, what are you so glum about?
She can't have gone far.

Your car's outside.

You ain't thinking she's lost,
are you, son?

Yeah, I think she is.

- Will you get my coat, Pops?
- Sure.

Gee whiz, if she'd stayed another day
I'd have had the telephone turned on.

Hitchhikers are getting better dressed
every day.

- Can't you go any faster?
- Sure.

But I ain't allowed to leave the truck.

Where do you want me to drop you?

- At the Savoy Grand Hotel.
- Okay.

Savoy Grand?

- Yes.
- Gee!

Can you imagine the face
on that doorman when he sees you...

climb down off this load of cow juice?

Boy, oh boy, oh boy!

I'm sorry, Gloria.

Where in heaven's name
have you been, darling?

Well, I...
Mr. Trevor took me away.

You ruined me.
Why did you do it?

Oh, Mike, I don't know.
I just ran out and...

You ran out on me.

You ran out on $3.000.

You ran me out of a restaurant.

And then you... you just ran out.

- Now listen, Mike.
- I did listen.

I listened to you, I listened to her,
I listened to everybody.

Now you listen to me, both of you.
I've got something to say to you.

Something to say to Duncan.

Something to say to everybody.

I...

Yes, yes, Uncle Eric,
I know you called Paris.

Yes, I know all about it.

Come in!

Why do I have to see your lawyer?

What, afraid of a breach of promise too?

All right, you make the appointment.
I'll be down in an hour.

Of course, I know it's bad.

No, I won't talk to anybody.

Why are you so upset, Mike?
You should have my trouble.

I have. We're in the same boat.

I saved $3.000 and those women
took every bit of it.

They did?

Oh, they're going to take much more
than that away from me.

Oh, no. I wouldn't let them take
anything from you.

If I have my money back I could get
that girl out of the country today.

- You could?
- Yes, sir.

We can fix the money easily.

- Then I can have my restaurant.
- Cashier, please.

How much was it you said
they took from you?

Oh... just $5.000 even.

Tell me, Mike. How on earth
did you let them blackmail you?

Well, you see, once I was married
to a m*dget.

Where are you going now, dear?

I don't know. Just anyplace.

Why do that, darling?

I don't know.

Feel bad?

It was all my idea.
Everything's my fault.

Yes, it is.

No.

I couldn't do what I promised to do.

You're in love with Jim Trevor, hm?

I thought so.

He... he is a beast.

Try and forget him.

It's going to hurt an awful lot
for an awful long time if you don't.

I feel sorry for Mike too.

Oh, I'll give every penny back to him.

I'll get a job.
I'll do any kind of work.

Sure, we'll make a deal with him
to pay him back so much a week...

to keep him from going crazy.

So it's all over but the shouting.
Well, that's life.

You take a chance and draw a blank.

It's finally got him.

Who, me? No, I'm a gambler.
So I lose, so what?

Do I lose my life, do I lose my health,
do I lose my good looks?

No, I just lose my money.

- And after all, what's money?
- Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Good thing they don't have
pockets in straightjackets.

- Now, look...
- I think I had better go to see...

Bill Duncan and tell him.

Oh, why see Bill Duncan?
That's finished, buried.

Forget all about Bill Duncan. I just
saw him. He understands everything.

Oh, yes, he's a very understanding man.

Very. Now you go back to France
and marry somebody you love.

- But I can't.
- Well, why not?

She can't swim that far.

Oh, well, we spent so much money already
we might as well spend a little bit more.

Here's $100, the boat sails at noon,
you keep the change.

Oh...

Oh, Mike.

You know, something tells me I'm going
in the restaurant business myself.

Rigley!

Jim!

Now, Bill, wait a minute.

Before we do anything rash, let's just
contend, shall we? One, two...

- You're the greatest pal a fellow ever had.
- Listen, I can explain everything.

Uncle Eric called Paris last night...

and everything you suspected
is true. The girl is a phony.

If I'd married her my family would have
cut me off without a dime.

- Then you don't want to marry her?
- Marry her?

I had to give that waiter $5.000.
He put up the money for the whole thing.

- You're not going to marry her then?
- And it'll cost you more than that.

You kidnapped her.
Oh, she's got you good.

They'll probably take you for $100.000.

Are you sure you don't want
to marry her?

Forget about the marriage business.
And don't worry about the money.

- I'll pay it.
- You don't have to. Rigley!

- Yes, sir?
- Another suit, quick!

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to marry her myself.

Do you think that'll be cheaper?

I'll let you know in about ten years.

Yes, but...
What? Wait a minute!

I must stop him, he's my best friend.
He doesn't know what I know.

Before you do this, sir,
let me tell you of an incident...

in which my second cousin,
One-Eyed Rigley, was involved.

Let us know if you get married!

We'll send you a present!

I'm gonna name a dish after her.

Yeah, what?

On the regular dollar dinner
at our new restaurant,

the frog's legs will always
be called ? la Cortillon.

Don't forget to name the mashed
potatoes in it for me.

Miss de Cortillon.

Yes?

Will you please follow me?

But why?

- Is that your bag?
- Yes.

- I'll take it along.
- Oh, no...

Oh, yes. I don't think you'll
come back here.

But I haven't done anything.

In there.

But I tell you I have done nothing.

You have to tell that to the captain, miss.
I'm only carrying out orders.

But now what happens?

I don't know about that, miss.
You have to speak with the captain.

You have the draps, no?

You are the certain mademoiselle
de Cortillon, non?

Oh, please don't.

Pardon?

Don't make fun of me now.

Oh, I wouldn't make fun of you.

But... why do you do all this?

Well, you wouldn't want me to get married
without changing my shirt, now, would you?

- Married?
- Certainly. Rigley's up there fixing it...

with the captain right now and
in a few minutes...

you're going to be the uncertain
Mrs. James Trevor.

But don't you think I'm very bad?

I'll tell you a little secret.
I'm pretty bad myself.

The captain says he'll marry you
in 15 mi...

Oh!

I'll try to hurry him up, sir.