You don't know me...
unless you know
about me and Tom Sawyer,
where we've been,
what we've done together.
Huckleberry!
You'll respect your father, boy.
- Meow!
- Where do you think you're going?
Huck, get your ass back in here!
Meow!
Tom was the
closest thing to real family I had.
He saw a world where we were
just one adventure away
from all our problems
disappearing forever.
When we get the treasure, you won't
have to live with your dad anymore.
You can live wherever you want.
All right?
I care about you.
Seemed that every second
he was dreaming up
some new plan for us.
But the grandaddy of them all
was finding Murrel's treasure.
I probably don't
have to tell you
that John Andrews Murrel
was a notorious bandit.
Legend had it
that before Murrel d*ed,
he hid his fortune
somewhere in town,
leaving clues to its location.
But to this day,
no one's found it.
Tom figured he was
a lot like Murrel,
so it was only natural that he'd
be the one to find the treasure.
Takes a pirate to think
like another pirate.
To Tom, trespassing
and other laws
didn't apply
to treasure hunters.
Ours was a special code.
The truth is, we weren't
the only ones looking.
Didn't really matter to me
that our adventures never came out right.
Hey! Stop!
Tom!
- Huck!
- Tom!
With Tom, there was always
something great just ahead,
a dream to hold on to,
even if it seemed
there was only more bad coming.
No, I'll take him upstairs.
It was a dream worth pursuing,
time after time.
I suppose to a stranger's eyes,
Tom and I may seem worlds apart now.
We may be in different places,
but things
aren't that different.
Where do you see yourself in the
next five years, Mr., uh, Finn?
Well, sir, I, uh...
I guess I see myself
getting a good job.
How would you describe your work
on the police force in one word?
Great. In the heat of battle.
The local hero.
The loc... Great in battle.
Battle-tested.
- One word, Tom.
- Hero.
Hero.
Policeman.
You would describe your work
as "policeman."
Um, I don't know.
Um...
Maybe a family?
Never had that.
Hard to have a family
when you're imprisoned.
That's why I'm never
coming back here again.
Make me a detective.
No.
Sid's a detective,
and he's an idiot.
Nice way to talk about your brother.
Half-brother.
Lieutenant. Uh, sorry.
Shepherdson flipped.
- Nice work, Sid.
- Thank you.
If you'll excuse us, Tom.
Write tickets. Do your job.
After so many
years of chasing the fairy tale,
most people would be ready
to give up.
But Tom Sawyer
isn't most people.
Hey, Tom.
Huckleberry Finn.
Left the lights on for ya.
Brings back memories.
Ah, sh*t. You know, it's supposed
to look like fireworks, you know.
Like... Huck's back.
You're a cop.
Oh, yeah.
Figured if, uh,
Sid got to have a g*n, I should too.
So... Hey, thanks for not saying
anything about me in there, man.
Appreciate that.
I got you something.
Huh?
Figured you probably didn't get
too much of this stuff inside.
I ate some of the pie,
but there's till over half left, so...
You staying with the widow?
Yeah. For now.
Yeah. Cool, man.
Things are gonna be different this time.
I guarantee it.
I'll get more into that later at your big
party... We got a party planned for you.
Okay. Yeah, man.
You and me.
Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer, buddy.
Just you wait.
Come on.
Look at this guy.
It's good to see you.
You too, man.
Let's get outta here.
Put that sh*t
behind you. Right?
Oh, you gotta ride in the back.
Sorry. It's protocol.
Right.
Watch your head.
You're under arrest.
Just doesn't seem to matter,
knowing there's a time
you gotta let go,
gotta grow up.
Some things never change.
Even when they probably should.
I'm not ashamed of you.
Dear God,
please help this shameful,
poor, lost lamb
to find his way.
Set him on your path.
Forgive him his mistakes.
Amen.
I feel like that worked.
Thank you.
Well, you can sleep here as long
as you stay on the straight path.
If you gonna get a job,
you're gonna have to look civilized.
Okay.
There you are.
How was the job search?
Pretty good.
Jorge, I need you
to come back tomorrow
and trim the branches
on the maple out back.
I'm saying that the walkway out back is being
blocked and it can't just stay that way.
How do they not know English?
Meow! Meow. Meow!
- Meow.
- Meow!
Hope you're ready
to party, buddy.
Oh, you know what? I forgot.
This is a... This is a surprise party.
So...
Okay.
Yeah.
Act surprised, okay?
It'd just make the guys feel great.
I got it.
Okay. Great.
sh*t.
It does that.
Oh, hey, Amy.
Hi.
Nice... shirt.
So, Barnes downstairs?
Alone?
Cool.
We'll go look.
Excuse us.
Oh, no.
God, it's so dark.
I bet there's nobody down here at all.
Surprise!
Just kidding.
We got him.
We got him.
We got him.
- Turn on the AC.
- The AC doesn't work down here. Can I talk to you?
- Are you doing laundry right now?
- You're out of underwear.
How's prison?
Bad, right?
Open up a window. There's no window, Tom.
It's a basement. A man cave.
Sounds pretty weird.
Whatever. Let's do this.
Okay, we're gonna get this
Huckleberry Finn welcome-back party
up on its feet
in three, two, one...
Then they broke up.
Yeah.
Oh, Huck, I almost forgot.
I got you a little
welcome-back present.
Oh. Still selling
these things online.
And, uh, business
is going really well.
This is my newest model,
and I thought you might like it.
"My other car is Jesus."
"My other car is Jesus."
You should make another one that says
"My other car is fishing."
Fishing is super-popular.
We weren't supposed to bring gifts...
And I got him pie earlier, so...
We're all glad to have Huck back, right?
That's why we're here.
To believe in that,
to celebrate that.
This is a party, okay?
Welcome back, Huck, right?
This is for you, man.
Whoo! Huck!
And it's a meeting.
So let's start the meeting.
I know what you guys
are thinking.
Huck's been in jail. I don't wanna have
anything to do with that stuff. Neither do I.
But I don't think Huck's done anything
wrong. And that's coming from a cop.
You know what other cops do? They write
tickets to your own grandmothers.
They let real criminals get
away with whatever they want.
They make the wrong people
into detectives.
You know... The point is,
they have no perspective.
They have no imagination.
And that's what
brings us to now.
An opportunity
has presented itself
to make real criminals pay
while we, the good guys,
get a little payday...
a big payday for ourselves.
So, if you're with me,
the way I see it,
this marks
the first meeting of...
the Band of Robbers.
Okay, robbers, Tom?
Think of it like this.
Robin Hood and his merry men.
Robbing from the rich,
giving to the poor, keeping some money.
Keeping the money. You know?
I wrote up an oath...
- We're bad guys?
- No, we're heroes.
Sounds like bad guys.
When you steal from criminals,
it makes stealing more of a
good thing than a bad one.
- Hang on and I'll...
- It's still illegal though. Right?
Ben, do you wanna be working for Barnes
your whole life at the auto shop?
- Having to borrow money from your half-brother?
- I don't have a half-brother.
It's an expression.
Look.
My ex-fiance used to say,
"He's never gonna do anything special.
He's always
gonna be like a kid."
Man, we all know you're
talking about Amy right now.
She's my wife. Well, it doesn't
make the anecdote untrue, does it?
My hair is falling out.
You see that? My back hurts.
Before you know it I'm gonna
be one of these old guys
walking around in a wheelchair,
never did anything.
- Maybe Amy Lawrence does think I'm a kid.
- Tom.
Well, I'm a Toys R Us kid. And I own my
own handgun and a pretty nice minivan.
And I'm tired of people telling
me what I can and can't do.
And I think it's time that we
all did something valuable.
I think it's time that we all
did something meaningful.
Okay? Now listen to the oath.
Here we go.
"By joining this band,
I agree to stay loyal
and not share any band
secrets with others.
If I do, I agree to have my throat
cut and a curse put on my head
and to be set on fire
and never talked about anymore.
I agree that if anybody hurts a member
of the g*ng, Tom will appoint someone
to k*ll the person
who did it."
- What about families?
- What do you mean?
If someone in the g*ng rats, we should,
like, k*ll someone in their family.
We will definitely do that.
Huck doesn't have any family, so that
doesn't seem like a completely fair trade.
What about that old lady
that you live with?
Sure. Yeah. Sure.
- I'm cool with that.
- We'll just k*ll her.
- I was gonna say k*ll her.
- Okay, great. Anyways...
Should I be chosen for the task,
I will not eat or sleep until I k*ll them
and cut a cross on their chest.
We're gonna use crosses. You see anybody else
doing that, let me know and we'll k*ll them.
- We'll sue them.
- Uh, churches.
I could only get the Rsum Wizard open,
so I typed it up that way.
But otherwise I think it's good.
If you guys wanna proofread it before you
sign it, I don't give a sh*t. That's fine.
Most of the harsh language inside this
thing I pulled out of pirate books.
I got some out of the Old Testament.
I don't think Jesus would lie.
But in practice we're gonna
be mostly nonviolent.
- We're gonna sign in blood. It's best if you do it...
- Uh, Tom, I don't...
I'm gonna quit now.
I'm quitting preemptively here.
Thought this whole thing was like
Amway or Herbalife or something, man.
Which I'd totally be into.
But, uh... I'm gonna go check on Amy.
All right?
I'm sorry.
Do we have to k*ll him?
No, he... he's letting us
use the basement.
All right,
who's with me and Huck?
Tom, can I talk to you
out... side?
Yeah. Yeah.
Sure.
See that?
Trojan's Hammer.
Listen, uh...
You know I appreciate you including
me in all of your plans, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
But I think, um...
I gotta go straight.
You know, 'cause...
'cause of jail.
Jail. Jail. Jail?
I can't... I can't go back.
Over my dead body, man.
You're not going back to jail.
I've got the perfect thing
to help you go straight.
It's enough money to buy an island.
It'd be you and me, man.
I'll be president
of the island, or king.
I don't know what the leadership
structure'll be, but you could be my prince.
Or comptroller.
I don't know what the jobs will be.
But we'll be
drinking rum janglers.
I want a real life, Tom.
You know?
I want a family.
I can't end up like my dad.
You got a family. Me.
Us orphans
need to stick together.
Let me give you
the future you want.
That's all I've ever cared about...
us getting the lives we deserve.
Man, if you knew what I knew,
we wouldn't even be
having this conversation.
What do you know?
Let me show you.
And then you decide.
Okay. Okay.
- Tom.
- I want you to tell them what you told me.
Hey, Muff.
How's it going, Muff?
Muffin.
- So this is the crew.
- Yeah, this is Tom Sawyer's g*ng.
If anybody asks.
D-Don't tell anybody.
That's on a need-to-know basis,
and nobody needs to know.
Go ahead.
Well, we all know the pawn shop
is a holding area for dirty
money and stolen goods
that need to get cleaned
and distributed.
Yesterday morning
they got something a little more
special than Granny's stolen necklace.
Way better than...
what your grandma would buy.
Yesterday morning
Injun Joe brought something by.
Yeah, right.
Injun Joe is not even real.
Excuse me?
He's made up.
- Hell he is. I know the man.
- Disagree to agree.
Huck and me saw him when we were kids.
I tell you that all the time.
- I knew that. Sorry.
- Why would he keep anything in an old pawn shop?
Here's the real news.
The way I hear it, he's got something so
valuable he don't know how to turn it over.
The way I hear it,
he's got Murrel's treasure.
What else could it be?
Everybody knows Injun's spent his whole
life searching for Murrel's stash.
And there's nobody protecting it?
Nope.
Just sitting in the safe
below the counter.
No guards, no nothin'.
But nobody else
knows about this.
Good. Good.
You're gonna get your share.
No sh*t.
This is it.
You sure we can trust Muff?
Oh, yeah, man.
Muff's legit as a witch's titty.
He used to hang out with Injun
Joe until they had a falling out
'cause Injun started cutting
the tops of people's heads off.
But we gotta get it tomorrow morning,
man, before Injun comes back.
You promise you've really seen him?
Yeah, man.
- He's, like, seven feet tall. Awesome.
- He's a big guy.
He's a white guy.
Not even Indian.
Why do they call him
Injun Joe then?
Guess he identifies with
the culture and aesthetic.
Isn't that kinda r*cist?
How is it r*cist to want to
be more like another race?
"Injun"
is r*cist. That's kind of a slur at the...
Imagine if you were,
like, Spic Kenny, Jap Tony.
"I'm just paying homage
to Japanese culture."
- It's r*cist to spend this much time talking about it.
- All right, what's the plan?
Operation Mexican Shadow.
10:00 AM.
I'll enter the pawn shop, acting as
if I'm just there to do some shopping.
10:05 AM.
Ben will enter, also pretending to
be a normal, civilized shopper.
10:07 AM.
Huck Finn, the Red-handed,
and Joe Harper,
the Terror of the Seas,
will be dropped off by a
Mexican man in a rental van.
Who is this Mexican,
you may ask?
9:22 AM.
Huck and Harper will pick up a random
day laborer from the rental spot
and ask him to drive the van
they will have just rented,
saying neither of you can drive
because of Operation
Iraqi Freedom injuries.
You will speak
only in "espaola"
as you rob the treasure
and safe contents.
When the money is in the bag,
Joe will cue Ben, our civilian
do-gooder come to save the day,
by saying "Dead men tell no tales"
in Spanish.
Halt!
What's my name in it?
I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
It's not a part of
the... the speech.
Huck and Harper get cool nicknames.
Why can't I get one?
We use your name.
You're the civilian do-gooder.
- Then I join up with you.
- No, you get taken hostage.
And then I come out
and save the day.
My presence keeps them
from calling 911,
while Ben being held hostage
gets you out of there
without me having to arrest you.
I see the Latino driver and remember
hearing the robbers speaking Mexican
and say the suspects
are three Latinos.
The Mexican driver,
who knows nothing,
drops you off, returns the van and
makes the easiest 30 bucks of his life.
Then, when Ben Rogers
is "let go,"
he corroborates my story.
Operation
Latin Darkness.
The name's not set. I haven't decided
what the name is gonna be exactly.
Still working on that.
Does this mean we are literally
gonna hold up this pawn shop?
We'll be outlaws.
I would rather be an outlaw for
one year in Sherwood Forest
than president
of the United States
for infinity.
And it's Murrel's treasure. We've been
looking for this our entire lives.
And now is our chance to go down in
history as the g*ng that found it.
What do you think, Huck?
Tomorrow morning.
We need to be at our best.
So let's first get this Huckleberry
Finn welcome-back party
up on its feet.
Tom.
In my office.
I'm, uh...
I'm actually on my way out.
I'm granting your wish
for more responsibility.
Huh? Well, I don't want responsibility.
I want to be a detective.
- You're getting a rookie.
- What? Who is this guy?
Becky Thatcher? You may have heard
of Judge Thatcher, her father.
My guess is that Ms. Thatcher will be out of
here and in law school by the end of the year.
But in the meantime, she's riding with you.
Cool. That'll be great.
- She starts with you today.
- What? No. That doesn't work for me.
- I'm in a... j...
- Look after her.
Oh, and your brother is being given
the keys to the city by the mayor,
in case you want to watch.
f*ck that sh*t.
Tom Sawyer?
Uh, Becky Thatcher.
I'm Becky Thatcher.
- You're Becky?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay. Okay...
Yeah, I'm Tom.
I'm your Tom...
I'm your boss.
We're...
We're partners, right?
If that's what they want,
that's what you shall do.
What?
It's not a sentence.
I'm... I'm very excited
to get to work with you.
Hey, someone
just puked in the hall.
So... shall we
hit the road?
Um... no. No.
Uh, I, uh...
I have to drive alone.
For a minute. Just a minute.
So if you wanna be in here, you can
get your bearings in the break room.
Well, I... I think I'm...
I'm good with the break room,
you know.
Enchant.
After you. Enchant.
Jesus Christ.
Hey!
What are you doing?
I know, man. I'm late.
I slept through my alarm.
We're supposed to have the driver
and the van by now. I'm sorry!
I think I break-danced too hard last night.
You got masks?
What is that?
What about stockings?
Why would I have stockings?
Why would you... Bags?
Why do you have bags?
Because I just went shopping.
Get in the back.
Hola. Hola.
Hi. Hi.
You drive a car?
S. No,
not your truck.
I'll give you treinta dlares...
Treinta dlares?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's okay.
She won't care. It's fine.
You can finish later.
Come on.
Buongiorno.
Let's drive.
Drive, drive, drive.
Um, wait.
Like turn.
So you, uh...
you wanna be a cop?
I am a cop.
Yeah. Cool.
That's great.
I'm a cop. Gum?
No, thanks. I'm good.
To be honest, this is not my normal duty.
Typically, I'm handling homicides,
you know. Missing persons.
- Oh, really?
- Normally I'm more of a detective.
So... c'est la vie.
Not supposed to chew gum if you
have braces. You ever have braces?
When I was a kid.
I wanted braces when I was a kid.
My aunt told me I don't need them.
Now I do.
Like I'm gonna walk around the police station
with braces on. Spare me the trouble.
You worry about the braces.
I'll worry about the missing persons.
Are you nervous?
No, I'm good.
Good. I'm good.
I'm good too.
I'm just trying to get to know you.
I have a lot of interests.
Like dual lives.
Two completely dual lives.
Like a lover and a fighter.
And a detective.
I'm gonna have to make
a quick stop on the way.
This is where you need to stop?
Have to go to the bathroom.
At a pawn shop?
I always go here.
Why didn't you go at the station?
What? I did.
Listen, could you
just watch the car?
Wait here and watch the car for two
seconds. I'm gonna be two seconds.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm just doing a little
on-duty shopping.
Um, you guys... got this.
Hey.
Hey, Ben. Ben.
Oh, um... Listen. No.
Ben. Don't look at me.
What are you doing?
You said don't look at you.
I was looking at this.
We gotta cancel.
I have a girl with me.
- Is she your girlfriend?
- Maybe.
I don't know.
We just have to cancel. That's good.
I got so drunk, man,
I can't even remember the whole plan.
Can I help either of
you guys find anything?
Huh? What? No.
I don't know him.
- I'm just passing through.
- Passing through?
Yeah. If that was even me
that you're thinking of.
- I don't know him.
- The name's Greg.
Greg Kn*fe.
Great, Greg.
Well, good to meet you.
Both.
Just gotta make a call.
Sorry. Does that sometimes.
I'm sorry. Harper!
I'm not good with Spanish.
It's fine, it's fine.
Leave the car running
for one second.
Get it running, okay?
S? S.
We're picking up supplies, and neither one
of us can drive 'cause of Iraq. Let's go.
Leave the phone.
We're late. Let's go.
You've reached Joe Harper.
Leave a message.
Hey, Harper.
We gotta cancel.
We need to call it off.
Call me back.
Mexico!
Dinero!
- Aaah!
- Dinero.
Dinero. Dine...
sh*t.
Uh...
S!
Money, jewels, pronto!
Listen, dumb-ass.
The last time somebody tried this,
they got their hair cut real short.
- Do you know what that means?
- Uh, no ingles.
Just...
"Coka-roka."
Dead men
t-tell no tales, man.
No. Nobody needs
to get hurt.
My name is Greg.
A civilian!
Why is he wearing a mask?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
Freeze, Latinos!
- Don't hurt the hostage.
- He's not a hostage. He's wearing a mask.
No, he-he-he's an innocent civilian.
And he has a skin condition.
No one has to get hurt.
I'm trained for this. Just cooperate, okay?
I got it under control.
You're making
a big mistake, boys.
- Freeze!
- Stand down, Becky! Stand down. Stand down.
These guys have a hostage.
These Mexican guys have a hostage.
Come on, come on.
Let's go.
Follow us, and we sh**t him.
Caliente.
Be "el cool-o."
Nobody has to get hurt. Let's be calm.
And no one kills anybody.
Good. Buono! Buono!
Station 1, this is 6-Charlie-6.
We have a...
Wait. No, no, no, no.
What?
The main Mexican's put
a g*n to the guy's head.
If you follow him,
he'll k*ll him there.
We just...
We let them go?
g*dd*mn it!
Seems like they'd be in a rental van.
They drove me out
to the middle of nowhere,
took the blindfold off,
then they let me go.
The three...
Mexican Latinos.
Did you notice anything
specific about the men?
Any tattoos or markings
or piercings?
Yeah, they had tattoos
and piercings and stuff.
So they had all three?
Yeah, I think so.
One of them had a tattoo
of the Spanish flag
and a mermaid riding a snake.
So how does a mermaid
ride a snake, exactly?
Sidesaddle.
Sidesaddle,
so it's snake, saddle,
mermaid... chillin'
in the saddle.
Directin', whippin' for speed.
Et cetera.
- Stop.
- Sidesaddle.
So the snake had a saddle on it?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Can you describe the saddle?
It's, uh, brown.
It's brown.
Tom, do you need to be here?
Yeah. No.
Uh, are you mad at me?
Uh, no. I was...
I was exercising.
You were great.
I should have been there for you.
I could have helped you, and I didn't.
No, you're fantastic.
You know, you were on time with a g*n.
I just... When hostages are there,
you can't do it different than that.
I will be better
from here on out.
No, Becky,
I think you're terrific,
and I'm glad that we're gonna be partners.
Tom.
Uh, will you take
Mr. Kn*fe home?
If you wanna get a Moped,
I'm not gonna stop you.
- What are you doing?
- This is the meeting place.
Uh, no. I'm not
doing the... thing.
You said we could use the man cave.
You can't just take it back now.
That was a one-time thing.
All right?
Well? It's okay.
It's all right.
Nobody knows anything.
Knows anything about what?
What the hell happened?
Where'd the other cop come from?
Don't worry about her.
Cop? Hold on.
- She was gonna sh**t us.
- Am I an accessory to m*rder?
- I tried to call you.
- Should I have not joined up with you?
- You answer that question. Do you think so?
- I needed a name.
- I'm not being an accessory.
- Enough, enough, enough. Quiet.
Nobody got caught, okay?
We got the treasure, right?
We were waiting for you.
What is that?
Uh...
All right.
Let's do it.
Okay.
All right.
Let's see what we got.
Ready?
Yeah.
Where's the rest?
Where's the gold and sh*t?
I'll bet that's not even $200.
Did you rob him right?
'Cause I said it was in the
safe under the counter.
They went in the safe.
We got everything they had.
This is... Well, it's not bad.
It's not bad.
I would say this is
more than $200.
Look at that.
That's no ordinary coin.
That's not precious metal.
That's pewter.
sh*t, man. That's not
even a Susan B. Anthony.
All right, Huck, let's...
let's divide it up.
Divide up what, Tom?
The spoils, man.
Everybody gets their share.
Their share of what?
Of Murrel's treasure?
- This isn't Murrel's treasure, Tom.
- 250.
It's pocket change.
Muff led us on.
You gonna divide that up
into four shares?
- Five.
- Five?
- Muff still gets a share.
- I'm out of here.
- Wait. Huck, come on. Huck. Huck.
- Who gives a sh*t?
You know what?
Let's do this later.
I'll hold on to this.
Huck!
Do we k*ll that lady
he lives with now?
Told you so.
Told you so. Told you so.
Meow!
Meow.
Meow. How did you
climb up here?
Coming into your house.
I didn't want to wake up the old lady.
We have to look at this
for what it really is. Okay?
We had an adventure. Nobody got hurt.
We're all a few bucks richer.
Tom, the situation is,
we put ourselves in danger again.
For nothing.
We got some money.
There's no money!
I have to pay Jorge.
I gotta give him $30.
The driver.
I'm barely gonna
break even on this.
All right. Well, you can be the one
who gets the special coin then.
The woman I live with keeps
telling me that I need to change.
She says if I don't change,
I'm gonna end up in a bad place.
Told her I wished I already
was in the bad place.
She's tryin' to sell me
on heaven.
She's telling me
that all you do all day
is you play a harp,
sit there and sing songs for all eternity.
And I said to her, "If that's the case,
I'd rather sit there
and sweat it out in hell
with my best friend Tom Sawyer
than play the harp and...
and sh**t the sh*t with Moses."
- I'm not friends with Moses.
- Exactly, man.
You're not friends with Moses.
But...
I do think she's right.
At least about
the changing part.
I just...
I gotta be through with this.
- Through with what?
- I just got out of prison, Tom.
And today, I came this close
to going back.
For what?
For a couple of bucks?
A couple of bucks
and a rusty coin?
Hmm.
I guess just, uh...
dig a hole
and drop me inside of it.
Throw some gasoline on it, throw some fire
on it, throw a grenade on it, k*ll me.
I don't wanna live
a life like that.
Just going with the flow,
you know?
Never doing anything,
just hoping you get by okay.
When I die,
I want there to be a parade.
I want the newsman to say,
"We just lost the number-one best guy,
Tom Sawyer, child prodigy,
grown-up genius, American hero."
We look over at the weather girl.
She's crying.
We look over at the sports guy.
He's crying.
He doesn't cry.
He's a sports guy.
But he's crying because Tom Sawyer d*ed,
because he did something with his life.
Lot of people don't care
what happens in life.
They just want ham
on their pizza.
They want to watch teenagers get
voted off of contests on television.
But you and me,
we're not like that.
You and me are the types of guys that
other people tell stories about.
We're the types of people
who are gonna be remembered.
As what?
As heroes.
Heroes.
It's true, man.
I'm just calling it the way I see it.
You got a way about you.
A way of turning things.
Yeah.
A way of turning...
a pewter coin into
buried treasure.
What's the matter?
I've seen this.
Seen what?
This.
I've seen this symbol.
I've seen this. It's, uh... I've seen
this symbol in... in the graveyard.
I saw this symbol on a tombstone.
I've seen it.
What if Muff was wrong?
What if it's not Murrel's
treasure in the pawn shop?
What if it's a clue...
to finding it?
That means
Injun doesn't have it.
Are you kidding me?
No, no.
You genius.
He's still looking for it.
You child prodigy. You American hero.
Injun's looking, same as us.
That's funny.
He was telling a joke from the Bible.
It was a good Bible joke.
Muff!
You messed up, Muff!
Muff!
You messed up bad, Muff.
Muff!
I think it's up this way.
I've never been in an orgy.
What made you think of that?
I think it's just seeing all these people
on their backs, so close together.
- What kind of person likes orgies?
- Pirates, man. Hands down.
No pun intended.
Those guys, if they weren't setting sh*t on fire
or robbing banks, they were having an orgy.
Is that true? Yeah.
That's breakfast for a pirate.
Those guys wake up, have coffee,
then they have an orgy.
See, I don't think I'd like it.
Think it'd be too easy
to get confused.
Yeah, but you gotta realize,
all intimacy is like that.
Huck.
sh*t.
No, no, no, no...
Ohh!
Huck.
sh*t.
He b*at us to it.
Uh, Tom...
There's gotta be some coins
in here or something.
They were just here.
sh*t.
What is that?
It's me almost getting m*rder*d.
No, Tom.
What is that?
Let me see that.
Huck. Huck.
This is like
an old-timey treasure map.
I'm dreamt about stuff like this.
Talk about pirates!
I'll bet you anything that
these keys open up a safe
or a chest or...
something in a cave
marked on this map.
Why's the treasure in a grave?
There was no treasure in the grave. No.
This is what pirates do. They leave a
map or a code that needs to be ciphered.
This is typical, classic pirate bullshit.
Fell for it again.
Do you think Injun Joe was here?
Maybe.
But whoever was here,
they don't know where the
treasure is and we do.
We do.
You'll be coming with me. Now.
Station 1,
this is 6-Charlie-6.
We have a possible 211
at pawn shop on St. Petersburg.
Crap.
Ah, yes, yes.
sh*t.
Freeze!
You are under arrest for
the robbing of this pawn shop.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say now could be held
against you in a court of law.
I got you.
Is no problem.
Don't come any closer, sir!
On the ground!
Hands in the air.
Please put your hands
in the air.
My family, seorita.
My family.
Is no problem.
Please.
Well, you do have a problem,
sir, I'm sorry to say.
Now,
I can help you find the number for a Spanish
lawyer that might be able to help you.
Uh...
Everything's going to be okay.
Don't move.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Come on.
Keep goin'.
Keep going.
Go on.
All the way to the back.
Go on.
Sir, I'd just like to say that
somebody else dug that hole.
The phone's upstairs.
You open this door
even a little cr*ck,
I will plug your ass.
Whoa.
We should go.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa.
You'd be better off
showing yourself.
You hear me?
I know you're in here.
And if you're in here,
you better...
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Look what you did, Muff.
You k*lled him
and anybody else who dies
'cause you opened
your big mouth.
Well, they're
around here somewhere.
So let's find 'em.
Joe. Over here.
I found a trail of dirt.
Over here.
Hopefully you ain't
wasting my time, Muff.
You hear that?
Go on, Packard.
Turn it off!
Turn it off!
I'm trying!
Let's go.
Get in! Get in!
God! Oh, sh*t.
That was him, Tom. Oh, my God.
That was Injun Joe.
You have a new mail message.
Tom,
I got the driver from the robbery.
Call me back.
sh*t. My partner
got your driver.
- What?
- You know what? He takes the fall.
He didn't have a g*n. He's an illegal.
Those guys get pinched all the time.
They get a slap on the wrist,
they send them back.
sh*t! It's not okay, Tom.
He knows me.
What do you mean, he knows you?
I mean he knows me.
- He works for the widow. He knows me.
- What was the plan, Huck?
Day laborer. Mexican stranger.
I know, and he was...
A stranger!
He was a stranger.
- A Mexican stranger.
- I know the plan! He is a stranger!
- How is he a stranger if he knows you?
- We ran out of time.
How is he a stranger
if he knows you? sh*t!
sh*t! sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!
It's fine. It's fine.
It's fine. I'll call her.
Hello?
Becky.
Tom. I got him.
You're not gonna believe this.
He came back to the scene of the crime.
I called it in.
Becky, just wait. If the other
squad car comes, tell 'em to wait.
Just have everyone, uh...
Operation Mexican Wait There.
Wh...
He said to wait.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm working on it.
Hey.
Hey. Let's go.
What? The other station called,
told me to pick you up.
We gotta go, okay?
After I talked to you?
I'll explain everything
on the way, okay?
Ready? One, two.
You're gonna be okay.
We're gonna get you home. Who's this?
Special Agent George Jackson.
Special agent?
No problem, Jorge.
No, no, no.
Huck, where am I going?
I thought his name was George.
It is.
I just didn't... I was like,
f*ck, where am I going?
You know?
Oh, no, no.
Who is that, your boyfriend?
Look, there's no... no calls.
Uh, no phones.
You're not gonna
believe this, okay?
You've just been roped into one of
the most secret missions of all time.
This guy George Jackson
is under cover.
This Mexican,
he's his top informant.
You bring that guy in,
you blow the whole thing.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be embarrassed.
If I saw this guy, I would have
arrested him. You couldn't have known.
It's all right.
Says it's a cave, Tom.
I don't... I don't know what it means by...
by a cave. There's no cave around.
There's gotta be a cave.
There's no cave around here, Tom.
There's gotta be, Huck.
George. Okay, wait a minute.
That gotta be Old Main If that's Old Main,
then that's Sherburn Way.
By the river. Old Main and Sherburn Way.
Old Main and Sherburn Way.
Okay. All right. I'm just gonna make one
more phone call, and then no phones.
You've reached Joe Harper.
Leave a message.
Harper? Uh, yeah, it's Tom.
Listen, um, we know where the rest is.
Okay? So meet us at Old Main
and Sherburn Way in 30 minutes.
And pick up Ben
and meet us there.
- Who's that?
- Another detective.
This case is huge
and totally secret.
Geez Louise.
Huh?
Sorry to interrupt.
My name is Joe. What's your name?
Joe.
That's pretty interesting, man.
We got the same name.
We're in the same car.
That's life, I guess.
Three meals a day
and funny moments like these.
You're, um...
You're Injun Joe.
Some people call me that.
Why do they call you that if
you're not even native Indian?
I guess I just identify with
the culture and the aesthetic.
Isn't that kind of r*cist?
How is it r*cist
to want to be more
like another race?
Yeah.
Where are your friends?
Please. Please.
All right.
Oh, take it easy.
We're just talking.
I'm gonna tell you
something true from my life
that might bind us closer.
When I was young,
I lived on the street.
Mostly under the Hannibal Bridge.
You know the bridge?
This man came around.
He was offering me a job.
I did the job and I did it good.
One day, the man decided
I was no longer useful.
So, he and a couple
of his big boys
took me back to that bridge
where I used to sleep
and they put a b*llet
in my face.
Right here. There.
You see the scar?
Yeah.
Not this scar.
This one came later.
I'm telling you about this one
'cause I think it's more relatable
to what's going on now.
Boom.
But here's the thing, Joe.
I lived.
For some crazy,
freak-of-nature type thing, I survived.
And I got better, and I got healthy again,
and you know what?
I pulled myself up
by the straps of my sneakers
and I went down to where
that man liked to hang out
and I scalped him.
I cut his hands off
and I took his eyes out,
and that's how I got
this other scar.
I got so carried
away I didn't realize
I was cutting myself
along with the man.
But in the end,
here's the thing.
I lived, and he d*ed.
You see what I mean?
All we can do
is... what we can do.
The rest is pretty random.
You may get out of this maybe,
and maybe I won't.
Who can tell
what's gonna happen?
Joe, you just tell me
where your friends are,
and you can walk away from this.
Shh, shh, shh.
Peaceful.
Peaceful.
- This isn't right.
- It's where the map says to go.
All right. Let's, uh... Let's check it out.
What are we doing, George?
There's nothing here. There's no cave.
I don't know.
Okay. Why don't we, uh,
uncuff the Mexican.
Huh? Okay.
Huck, we gotta be fast, okay? I'll keep her
out of the way. I might get her a room.
What's going to happen here?
Well, me and my associate,
we have a, uh, meeting
with the cartel.
This place is hot
with cartel like crazy.
So we're gonna keep you
out of the way.
We should get you in a room where you
can lay low. Anything I can do to help?
You could lay low.
That would be great.
You can do us proud.
Just go lay low.
Okay. Okay.
It'll be good.
Hi.
My, uh...
My wife, Roxanne, and I
would like a hotel room
for, um... for, uh,
20 minutes.
- We can do that.
- Great. Thank you.
I'll let you sign.
Okay.
I'm gonna give you
the corner room.
The owner used to live there.
Oh.
He's dead.
The bed is small, but there's a bathtub.
There. Oh, wow.
That's...
old-fashioned.
Sure.
There's gotta be a cave.
There's a cave on the map.
Cave on the map.
Think, Huck. Think, Huck.
Uh...
Okay?
We're gonna get you home.
Right after we find this cave.
What? Qu?
God.
Jorge, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have...
Stupid.
I shouldn't have...
Yeah.
I'm gonna get Tom.
Be right back.
So, what are we
supposed to do now?
Um, I might have to, uh,
just pop out,
have a quick word with Agent
Jackson about the mission.
Some first day, huh?
First date?
Did you say "first date"?
First... First date?
Yeah.
No.
No, I said "first day."
First...
First date!
First date!
Yeah, right.
Oh, my God.
Quite... Quite a first day
as partners.
Oh.
I mean...
Yeah, I wish this was
just a date.
I don't know why
they placed me with you.
I mean, uh, because of all the intense
detective stuff they have me doing.
- I'm glad we're together.
- Yeah.
I'm glad they put us together.
It's just the timing is crazy.
It's...
It's crazy, the timing.
Can I make a confession?
Yeah.
I asked to be placed with you.
- What?
- Yeah.
You just...
You just seem different.
I don't know. It just seems like
you want to do something big.
Like more than
the status quo, I guess.
Yeah.
I mean, that's, uh...
That's classic me. I just feel like
that's the kind of guts it takes.
You gotta...
You gotta go for stuff in life.
You know?
"First date."
What part of this...
I was like, what?
I'm over here wondering if you do have
a boyfriend. Have you been engaged?
No, I do not have a boyfriend.
Just a new partner.
What... Becky.
What is this?
The room key.
This is the room key?
Uh-huh.
I didn't... This is the room key?
Yes.
This is what the room key looks like.
That's what it looks like.
This is what the room key looks like.
Yes.
Can you wait here?
Just wait here.
Tom!
Tom!
Huck, this is what
the room keys look like.
Look at this.
Cavern's not a cave.
Cavern's a hotel.
This place used to be the Cavern Hotel.
This is the cavern.
We're in the cavern. Yeah.
The treasure is here.
Yeah.
The treasure is here.
Let's go find it.
You go upstairs, okay?
You try the doors.
I'll do the doors downstairs.
All right.
Let's go.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, uh, we had a break
in the case,
and I just gotta see
if there... if there, uh...
if they're gonna put the bugs
and the dr*gs...
The cartel might have
ended up showing up.
Okay. Do you need help?
No. No, no, no.
I can do that.
Yeah. You just wait here,
and I'll be right back. Okay, partner?
It's in our room.
- You think I'm some kind of idiot?
- Oh! Oh, God!
What are you doing? Ow!
You want to do good?
You want to be a hero?
Ah. Becky, don't...
What am I doing?
Look at me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God!
Okay.
Okay, I'm sorry. It's a secret mission.
I wanted to tell you.
Uh...
Listen, don't call the police.
Don't call the police.
I'm the cops. I'm the police.
Oh, witches' tits! Witches' tits!
Yes, hello.
This is Officer Becky Thatcher.
I have an emergency. I'm
in a hotel off Old Main.
- Something's wrong.
- Will you be quiet, please?
We gotta... We gotta
turn out the lights.
Tom!
- Everything you say is a lie.
- Becky.
- Tom.
- Uncuff me.
Uncuff me, Becky.
We're in trouble.
Becky.
Becky. Becky.
I'm gonna get us out of here, okay?
Just throw me the keys, and I'll get
us out of here. Becky, stay with me.
Jorge? Jorge!
You gotta go.
Huh?
Okay, Becky.
Hang on.
Okay. Hey. Hey.
I'm gonna die.
No, no. You're not gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
Hold on. Wait here. I'm gonna be
right back. I'm gonna be right back.
Joe, we gotta get movin'.
Cops are comin'.
Gonna move out the window.
You can do this. You're doing great.
Hey, Muff!
Stealing a police car is a federal... sh*t.
Sorry, Tom.
Sorry.
It's okay.
You're gonna be okay, all right?
Police are comin'.
I'm sorry.
Stay. I'm scared.
Here! Here!
Meow.
Meow.
Tom!
You okay? Good.
Help me with this.
Come on.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Let's go.
We got company.
Floor it. Floor it!
Let's go. Let's go!
Let's go.
He's coming.
He's coming.
Go. Go, go, go.
How 'bout here?
Get it.
sh*t. Go!
Exit! Where's the exit?
Here, here, here!
Let's go.
Harper!
- We gotta...
- It's Harper.
What?
It's Harper.
We gotta go! Let's go!
Go, go, go, go!
Go! f*ck!
- Is he all right?
- I think he's dead, Tom.
No, no, no, no!
Not... Not now! Come on!
sh*t!
Start it. Start it, Tom!
sh*t.
Oh, no. No!
Get back.
Please, please!
Pow.
Oh!
He's alive!
He's alive!
He's alive!
He's alive!
Needs a key.
It's gold.
Gotta be millions.
We can count it later.
Harper, you got your cell phone?
We should see if people are saying
anything about us, make sure Becky's okay.
Oh, there's something here about
the hotel sh**ting. Ah, let's see.
"In an absolutely shocking case...
" So on and so forth.
Okay, here's Becky.
"Officer Becky Thatcher
was wounded in the sh**ting,
but is in stable
condition."
Does it say about me saving her?
Here we go.
"Details are unclear at this time,
but Officer Thatcher implicated
fellow police officer Tom Sawyer
as being involved in a robbery
earlier in the morning.
Officer Sawyer and his cohort,
a career criminal,
Huckleberry Finn,
are believed dead
after being pursued by police
called to the scene."
Wait a minute.
Did you say "dead"?
Yeah, you guys are dead, man. Says you drowned
after driving your squad car into the river.
My car.
Muff and that
Frankenstein guy stole it.
sh*t. They must have drove it
right off that bridge.
Is there anywhere in there where
it covers me carrying her?
I carried her.
Kind of goes more into, like,
an opinion-oriented slant as it goes on.
Like how people sworn
to protect and serve
being on the other side
of the law
are the lowest kind
of people in the world,
and corruption...
Honestly, I...
It's not even factual.
This guy...
Just one guy's opinion.
It says here, "The only man
in custody at this time
is a Mexican immigrant
named George..."
- Geez.
- Jorge. It's Jorge.
Jorge. Apparently,
he's to blame for a good bit of it too.
Lowest...
Lowest kind of...
Are you insane?
We got the treasure,
didn't we? Hmm?
Doesn't mention that.
That's the news.
That's the headline.
Yeah. Yeah.
So they think we're dead.
Okay. Okay.
Blessing in disguise.
We are dead.
The old Tom Sawyer,
Huck Finn and Joe Harper are gone.
This is our funeral.
And a new beginning.
You're dead, Joe.
You're the pastor at your funeral.
Eulogize yourself. Depict your legacy.
You know, Tom, honestly,
before you got
the g*ng together,
I was all just, you know, being a hermit
and dying alone in this unfeeling world.
But then you gave me
the opportunity to try pirate,
and I can't really see myself
doing anything else.
So, I guess I'd just say,
"Here lies Joe Harper,
in heaven, with God.
Great job."
Good.
Good.
I'll go.
Well, Tom Sawyer's dead, is he?
Yes.
Here he lies in heaven
with Jesus,
misunderstood
in all of his glory.
Someday people will look back
and they'll say,
"Wait a second.
He was the best.
He got the treasure.
He loved Becky.
He was a hero.
He just didn't get
a chance to prove it."
The end.
Hero?
Heroes are good guys.
You're not a hero.
I'm not a hero. You're not a hero.
We're not heroes.
We lie, we cheat, we steal,
we hurt people.
That's not what heroes do.
People got k*lled, Tom.
Your partner almost got k*lled.
Not to mention Jorge.
That guy, he's probably never
gonna see his family again.
You know whose fault that is?
It's ours.
We took an innocent man,
and we used him up.
- I don't have to listen to this sh*t.
- Don't walk away. Hey!
Don't walk away.
Huck!
You're right.
You're right.
You're right about me.
I care about you, Huck.
Since we were little,
I wanted our lives to be magic.
I'm trying to
make our lives magic,
and I just get caught up and I
get caught up and I get stuck.
And I'm sorry, and I'm...
I'm sorry.
Tom, I need you to know
that I do appreciate
everything that you've
done for me.
When we were kids,
with my dad... I appreciate it.
But I think me and you...
I think we gotta be done.
I think we gotta go
our separate ways.
What will you do?
Well, first I gotta figure out
what to do about Jorge.
Can't just leave him.
Let me help you.
I'll help you do something good,
and then you don't have to see me again.
You don't have to
ever see me again.
Okay.
g*dd*mn it.
We're going to have to get
the whole band back together.
Best Auto.
Tom's getting the band back together.
I'm not in the band.
He needs us.
This is a rescue mission.
Operation Mexican Sunrise.
Aaah!
Hi.
I'm Detective Sid Sawyer.
I just have a couple of
questions about Jorge Jiminez.
Best Auto.
It's for you.
Yeah.
This is it.
It's happening now, okay?
You have to get to County Road 414
by the oil field in half an hour.
That's impossible.
I'm following your lead, Huck.
That's the story...
You got a car?
- Yep.
- I'll be there.
You think you'll be able
to get 'em to give him to you?
I'm Sid Sawyer.
I've got the keys to the g*dd*mn city.
Excuse me there.
What are you looking for? My badge.
I thought that maybe I left it...
Sid, what's going on?
Station 12 just called.
Said you were there
asking about Jorge Jiminez.
More, more. Close.
More.
Perfect.
Here we go.
They're coming, they're coming,
they're coming, they're coming.
These short shorts cut off the
circulation to your brain, you idiot!
Hey, lady.
Can't you drive a car?
Did you get your driver's
license in China?
sh*t.
They're going around.
Hit me.
What?
Hit me.
Harper, hit me!
Ow! Aaah!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You kidding me? Hey!
Step away from the woman.
All right. I called the accident.
The police are on their way.
You don't friggin' move,
assh*le.
Not one friggin' step.
Hi. Don't be nervous.
I'm, uh... I'm Sid Sawyer.
Listen, I need to take your prisoner.
There's a change in plan.
The mayor's furious.
Everybody's upset.
But I need him in court
in 15 minutes.
You don't know who I am?
No.
I'm Sid Sawyer.
I have to take him.
Suspect impersonating Detective Sid Sawyer.
Suspect last seen at Station 12
wearing tweed blazer
with blue button-up and tie.
Hey! Hey!
Hands on your head.
Back away from the car. Let's go.
- Uncuff him.
- On your knees. Let's go. On your knees.
- Just relax. We're having fun.
- Hola, Jorge.
Been worried about you.
Okay. We got you.
Cuff yourself.
Come on, Jorge.
We're getting out of here. Let's go.
All right. You're doing a great job.
Come on. Go.
Good job.
I think we're okay.
I don't see anybody.
Let's go! All right.
Let's go, let's go!
Hey, guys, somebody
was following us.
We were being followed.
We were followed.
Be careful. Be careful.
g*dd*mn it.
All right!
We know you're in there.
So come out with your hands up,
and nobody gets hurt.
All right, listen.
This is your only sh*t.
I need you to come out
with the prisoner,
with your hands above your head,
and no one's gonna hurt you!
Tom, please.
No.
Barnes, you don't know
about any of this, okay?
All right?
We just stormed in here.
- What are you thinking, Tom?
- I'm going out there.
You guys wait for me.
I'm gonna pull 'em around to the front.
- You guys slip out the back.
- What are you talking about?
They think there's four of us.
I'll give them four of us.
Element of surprise.
Element of surprise.
Harper, grab those mop heads. We're gonna make
some hairdos. Be creative. Go for it, okay?
Tom. We should all go together.
What are you doing?
It's not gonna work, man. Gotta have some
distraction. You should know that by now.
Let me do it.
I got this one.
It's pretty g*dd*mn heroic, Tom.
Come on.
What are we waiting for?
You got any clothes
or rags that look like clothes?
We have jackets.
That's a type of clothes.
Ben, grab the jackets
underneath the lift over there.
Hey, Ben?
- Give this to Becky Thatcher.
- Nobody needs to get hurt today.
All right. You hear me?
I know you stole my badge.
I forgive you.
Just come out, and we'll talk about this.
Meow.
Meow.
Hey, Huck.
- Don't get caught this time.
- Yeah.
Let's go. Let's go.
Tom, everybody else is coming.
At that point, there's nothing I can do.
- Go, go.
- g*dd*mn it, Tom!
- Oh, cease fire! g*dd*mn it, cease fire!
- Go. Go.
Do not move!
I said stand down and cease fire.
On the ground!
On the ground!
I said get on the ground!
There you go!
Tom.
Ambulance!
I need an ambulance! Now!
Tom took the fall to get us out of there,
and we did get out.
Nobody ever knew the others
were involved with any of it,
so they went home with a bit more
money than they started with.
I know Cleo
Jorge and I took a long trip.
I can't say it was all easy,
or without adventure...
She's mine
But that's another story
for another day.
And I love her
I explained Murrel's treasure and how
whoever found it wasn't stealing it.
Figured that way,
he'd accept a parting gift,
something to try and make
things right after what we did.
I still wonder
what's happened to Tom,
where he is, what he's doing.
I bet he'll make
a real go of it in the pen.
Be against his nature to not be the
most popular prisoner they got.
I imagine he's probably just about
got his own servants and everything.
No shortage of visitors either.
Or maybe it's just the same one
over and over again.
Or maybe when they saw all the noble,
heroic stuff he'd done,
they realized
he was like Robin Hood
and, well,
they gave him a pardon.
Maybe the mayor even promoted
him to chief detective
and gave him
the key to the city.
Nothing would surprise me
with Tom.
Nothing but magic.
As for me,
I figure I'll keep my
eyes open for something.
Maybe a sh*t
at a family someday.
Find some place
where I truly belong
that's good and that's right.
Until then, I... I don't know.
I guess I'll just wander on.
Sandra, Sandra
sings a bird song
Flies so much
Her wings are strong
Take the sky down
from the flyer
Let her down
And my fun is gone
All the junkies left to cry
All the junkies
wave good-bye
Laugh and cry
Heavy to light
When the earth dies,
we'd wished we'd d*ed
Need to find my Latin lover
And to find my powdered wig
When the police
tear us in two
I'll wear the costume
I'll dress in it
All the jailbirds
left to cry
All the jailbirds
say good-bye
Laugh and cry
Heavy to light
When the earth dies,
we'd wished we'd d*ed
Laugh and cry
Oh, laugh and cry
And say, say good-bye
When the earth dies,
we'd wished we'd d*ed
No fun
No fun!
Band of Robbers (2015)
Moderator: Maskath3