09x05 - Honor Among Thieves

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss

♪ When my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss

♪ Stay in my memory? ♪

Parkinson's Law?

What's that?

It says clutter always increasesto fill the space available.

Since Alf moved next door,your rubbish has been breathing.

It's taken over his desk.

Do you hear that, Alf?Parkinson's Law.

What's that?

It says I'm not to blamefor being untidy.

Oh, that's a relief.

Just had a callfrom the area park warden.

A party of Borstal lads is doingsome labouring work on your patch.

How many lads?

Half a dozen,and one prison officer.

Only one?

His name's Blenkiron.

Go and make sure he's got a grip.

Right.

We've enough bad lads of our own.

No such thing as a bad lad,only bad parents.

It's another of those daft laws.

Your desk is in a terrible state.

Get it cleaned up.

It's lovely, just as you described.

The woman who lived here,she had no family?

No. I'm the trustee of her will.

The rent goes to her chosen charity.

Oh... It's perfect!

I shall bake.

Will anybody be joining you?

No. Solitude is my aim.

My agent was absolutely rightto suggest this.

He'd given up hopeof me starting another book.

So, you'll be writing here?

Who knows?

I may even set it here.

We'd better beon our best behaviour.

Oh, no. What a bore.

No-one must know I'm here.

I trust I can relyon your discretion.

Right, you lot. Shake a leg.

Trees, Sloper!

You never seen countryside before?

Shift yourself, Varley.

What's this?

Sloper was sick.

Must have beenyour driving, Mr Blenkiron.

Sloper!

Mr Blenkiron?

Get a spade and bury it.

You heard.

ALL LAUGH

That should stop it spinning.

Let's hope so. I've been shoutingat myself all day.

Who's paying?

You'll get paidwhen Tom Drabble gets elected.

Oh, yes?

That bit of land is worth nowtwithout planning permission.

We help Tom Drabble, he helps us.

That's what politics is all about,helping people,

help themselves.

- TOM: Everything fixed?- Oh, Mr Drabble.

- Can a duck...- Good, good.

We were discussingthe used car and caravan lot

we're going to make out ofthat bit of land.

You never mentionedcaravans, Claude.

Bernie's gonna deal with the cars,

I'm gonna dealwith the used caravans.

Oh.

Does that makea difference then, Mr Drabble?

No. No.

Used cars, caravans,what's the difference?

I'm sure I can swing it.

- Assuming you win.- Assuming what?

You don't think Tom's goingto lose to boring Blaketon, do you?

You'll have to excuse him, Tom.He's been inhaling too much diesel.

BOTH LAUGH

- Mr Blenkiron?- Yes.

PC Mike Bradley.I'm up the road in Aidensfield.

You've found yourselfa nice quiet corner, constable.

Yes, I suppose I have.

So, what's going on here?

We're clearing the debrisfrom the stream.

The governor likesto get the lads out,

to show them what they're missing.

Just so long asnone of them are tempted, eh?

- To scarper?- Mmm.

Where to?

Besides, most have already donethe thick end of their time.

Aaah!

Excuse me.

Boon! Sloper! Break it up!

Get out of the water!

Get out!

ALL SHOUTING

Excuse me.

I hope you don't mind me asking,but don't I know you from somewhere?

I don't know. Do you?

Your picture's on a book cover,isn't it?

Heartsearch? A Lover's Way?

Honor Gale, am I right?

What are you up to, Greengrass?

Oh, Mr Blaketon!

By this time next weekI might have to call you Councillor.

There must be a reasonwhy you're supporting Drabble.

There is, Oscar.

I'm talking to it.

- Where'd you get those?- What?

Those posters. They're mine.

Are they?

So they are. I'm sorry...

I thought it was litter.They must've blown off.

Blown off?

Hey! Blaketon! What do you thinkyou're playing at?

You know what he's doing?

He's pasted his mush upall over my posters.

That's disgusting.You can't trust anybody.

He's covered every one up'round there.

He was a copper, they're all bent.

I'm the one honest candidatein this election and you know it!

Meaning what?

Work it out, Drabble,or can't you count to two?

Take that back, Blaketon.

Take one more step furtherand I'll give you a pasting.

Gentlemen!

What seems to be the problem?

No problem, constable.

Just a little difference of opinion.

The pub's opposite the garage.

Right. I'll pop inand we can have another chat.

Now, who is that?

- Which one?- The one without the bucket.

That's Mike Bradley.Our local bobby.

Oh. He looks very... approachable.

Oh, yeah. He's your manif you've got a problem.

Hmm...

Good knockabout stuff, this, Oscar.

Someone has to stop that villainfrom getting elected.

- Who? Tom Drabble?- Aye.

You only have to seethe company he keeps

to know he's as bentas a nine-bob note.

Aidensfield deserves better.

What, like you?

Well, that's not for me to say.

Constable,I'm so grateful you've come.

You reported a friend missing?

Yes. Marilyn. Out here.

She was up there for hours,I swear it.

Cats generally findtheir own way down.

But where is she?

In her basket?

Oh...

What are you doing,

frightening me like that?

She's trembling, poor thing.

I am so sorry for putting youto this trouble, constable.

No trouble at all, Mrs Gale.

Honor, please.

She's a city cat, you see.

She hardly ever leaves my flat.

All these trees, rocks and fields,they're too much for her.

I'm sure she'll survive.Don't worry about it.

But will I?

You aren't here to climb trees,are you?

SHE LAUGHS

The countryside can be frighteningto an outsider.

I'm sorry?

We look pretty stupidto Constable Bradley, don't we?

But, as you say, we will survive.

If there's any chance we can't,I've got your number.

She says she's got writer's block,so she's taken a six months' lease

while she tries to writeher next book.

Well, I thought she wantedto remain anonymous.

No-one will bother her 'round here.

That's what I said.

Six months. That's an awfullong time in cat years.

Don't be such a misery.

She charmed you, I know she did.

But I shall tell her you're taken.

Good. As soon as possible, please.

♪ We skipped the light fandango

♪ Turned cartwheels 'cross the floor

♪ I was feeling kinda seasick

♪ The crowd called out for more. ♪

OK, let's take a break.

VARLEY: Colin.

Get away from there.

What did you do that for?

Corned beef again! We're better fedinside for doing nowt.

Give it here!

What for?

No, Varley!

Have some self-respect.It's dog meat.

I'm starving!

So, let's find summat else.

- Where, you daft bat?- What did you say?

Nothing.

That's what I thought. Come on.

- Here, open it.- Not me.

You said you can get into any motor.

I can.

Don't talk to me again! The otherscan do as they like with you.

You what?

They'd have youif it weren't for me.

From now on you're on your own.

Varley!

Give us summat.

There you go.

When was the last timeyou saw him, hmm?

Where've you been?

Call of nature, Mr Blenkiron.

Why didn't you tell somebody?

No time. I was caught sudden.

The same with Sloper?

You'll have to ask him that.

So, where is he?

Yes?

Got a tin opener, missus?

Is this your place?

I rent it.

It's gear.

If I had this place,I'd get food in and see nobody.

Except a dog.

I'd have a dog, definite.

My dog got k*lled.

Oh, dear. Traffic accident?

No, my dad.

It kept chewing his stuff.

Have some bread.

No, I'm bursting. I'll take somewith me, if you like.

Of course. Colin...

..what did you doto be sent to Borstal?

I took a motor. More than one.

I never damaged them, though. Never.

It's just that, when I'm in a motor,

it feels likeI'm as good as anybody.

Mr Blenkiron, how's it going?

Not bad.

What can I do for you?

Two ramblers reported their carwas broken into in the car park.

When was this?

It happened a couple of hours ago.

You'd know if any of your boyshad gone AWOL?

Yes.

Who's missing?

Sloper. Colin Sloper.

Where is he?

I don't know. Wandered offand got lost is my guess.

Why didn't you report him missing?

I expected him to find his way back.

How long were you going to waitbefore telling me?

This isn't a chain g*ng!

These lads have to be trustedat some point.

That's what this is all about.

VEHICLE APPROACHING

Where the heckhave you been, Sloper?

Sorry, Mr Blenkiron.

Don't be cross with him, officer.He turned up lost and hungry.

A car's been broken into, Sloper.

- Anything to do with you?- Me? No, Mr Blenkiron.

Go on, then, get going.

And don't move unless I say so.

Bye, Colin.

I'm afraid he's not the brightest.Sorry if he's been a bother.

No bother at all, officer.

I'm glad to have been of help.

Keep up the good work.

Bye.

VARLEY: Who's she?

- A friend.- A friend?

She lives up the road.She did me a fry-up.

- You're joking, aren't you?- No.

I thought she was a stuck-up sort,but she's all right.

Well-off, then, is she?

You know meI only mix with the nobs.

On the housing in particular,

the council's recordhas been shameful.

If I'm elected I'll make it my jobto put that right.

So, if you agree and I sense you do,

you vote Blaketon,you can't go wrong.

Thank you for your time, madam.

BABY CRYING

What do you want? It took mean hour to get him asleep.

Now hark at him!

Constable Bradley,how nice to see you again. Come in.

Please.

No, thank you.

You're thinkingof making some changes?

Just one or two.

To work here I need a decorthat's a little more encouraging.

I'm sorry,I've not read any of your books.

No need to apologise.

You're more a man of actionthan letters, am I right?

Well, I do a bit of rock climbingin my spare time.

But, er...

Then I am right.

Are you about to eat?

Yes, but no matter.

Smells good.

Thank you.

Would you like a drink?

No, thanks.

You drove off this morning beforeI could ask you about the boy.

Oh, erm...

What do you want to know?

Well, you saidhe turned up here, lost.

Correct.

And you gave him a lift back?

I fed him, then took him back, yes.

You fed him?

He was hungry.

Did he have any food with him?

He wouldn't have been hungryif he had food with him.

You're not going to houndthe poor boy, are you?

I'd rather hound the manwho was keeping an eye on him.

And what? Stop them coming out here?

Those poor boysare disadvantaged enough

without you depriving themof fresh air as well.

You obviously took a shine to him.

Oh, clock off, constable,and join me.

That's very kind...

I've got a little something for youin the kitchen.

You come here often?

I think you're unblocked, Mrs Gale.

Yes, I rather think I am.

WOMAN ON RADIO:'But I never damaged them, though.

'It's just that when I'm in a motor,I feel like I'm as good as anybody.'

♪ I feel it in my toes

♪ Love that's all around me

♪ And so the feeling grows

♪ It's written on the wind

♪ It's everywhere I go. ♪

It's me.

Well, I don't care what time it is.

Listen to me, I'm writing.

TYPEWRITER CLACKING

BABY COOING

Morning, Gina.

Hiya, Maggie. How is he?

Wide awake.

Great. Oscar's in the snug.

Right, thanks.

I tried to make the puba politics-free zone,

but he's run out of spacein his room.

Never mind. It'll all be overin a couple of days.

GINA: Unless he wins.

I take itwe can't rely on your vote?

I'm saying nothing.

Hello there...

Hello, baby...

And... Jackie didn't mind?

Why should she mind?

Oh, no reason. No reason at all.

Her being rich and attractive woman

and you with your hands in her sink.

Write a bit of fiction, do you?

Have you sorted the rosterfor polling day?

Just doing it, Alf.

Good thing it's only a by-election.

A bobby on every polling station

would be a villain's paradiseon Election Day proper.

Talking of villains,I ran a check on young Sloper.

He's got a record of car crimeas long as your arm.

No surprises.

I'm pretty surehe broke into the car,

but with no prints,it'll be hard to prove.

So long as Blenkironkeeps control from now on.

PHIL: Ashfordly Police.

Yes. Where?

- What's up?- Just a second.

A woman reporting a walkerin difficulties on Bleakedge.

You'd better nip over.

Right, Sarge.

We'll be there as soon as possible.

I think that's a good idea, Maggie.

What are you doing here, Greengrass?

The washing-up.What does it look like?

My engine's packed in.

Get it unpacked smartish!

We need to get out of here.

If you could, please, Claude?

How do you do? Ladies and gentlemen,Tom Drabble's the name.

I hope I can look forwardto your support on polling day.

Tom Drabble. Don't forget the name.Thank you, sir.

Nice to have seen you. Cheerio!

Oh, what a little sweetheart.

Hello, darling. How are you?

Can I have your vote on polling day?

Vote for me, that's the thing.Tom Drabble.

There has to be a better way,the Tom Drabble way!

Every minute I'm stuck out hereit's costing me votes.

I'm giving it a looking at.

Anyone'd thinkI'd broken down on purpose.

That's exactly what I think.I'll make an official complaint.

You are an official complaint.

At least I'm not breaking rules.

What do you mean, Claude?

You and him, in there.

What are you talking about?

It is illegal for candidatesto hold a meeting on, quote,

"premises licensed for intoxicants."

That rule only appliesto committee meetings, Greengrass.

Tell that to the returning officer.

Now, if you'll excuse me,I've got work to do.

Give me that plug,or I'm going home.

Shut up.

Hello! Hello!

Are you all right?

Do I look all right?

Mrs Gale?

What are you doing up here?

I was walking the track. I sawa flower, tried to get it and fell.

- Is everything working? Legs, arms?- I think so.

When I tried to stand up,the ground moved.

Hold on to me.I'll see if you can stand.

My legs are too shaky.

It's OK.

Greetings, acting sergeant.

Hello, Oscar.

How are thingson the campaign trail?

Well, to be honest, Alf,not very good.

I need some help.

Oh, dear.

Do you remember that fraud casewith Tom Drabble and Vic Payntor?

Payntor went down for five years.

Correct. And Drabble got off.

Go on.

- I want you to reopen the file.- Reopen it?

Has some new evidence come to light?

Come on, Alf. Don't be pedantic.

Do what, sarge?

Don't worry about it, Bellamy.

I see. You want meto rake up some dirt on Drabble?

He belongs inside.We both know that.

Oh, very convenient, I'm sure.

Look, I am standing in this election

for honesty and decencyin public life.

In that case, I'd better forgetwe ever had this conversation.

Some people take theirdemocratic freedoms for granted.

DOOR CLOSES Sarge.

Sarge.

Look, I don't know if this'll help.

I hear Drabble's been seeing

Janet Payntorwhile Vic's been inside.

Tom Drabble has been seeingVic Payntor's missus.

All night socialisingis what I've heard.

Bellamy, thanks.

You've come a long way.

Do you want some toast?

No, thanks, Gina. I'm in a rush.

You're not knocking on doorsthis early, are you?

No, I'm off to prison. Visiting.

I thought you were cheerful.

Ooh!

What is it?

Not what, who.Mike Bradley, beefcake.

Oh, dear.

"Blockbuster novelistHonor Gale's ordeal

"on The Shivering Mountain..."

- The what?- "..ended when PC Mike Bradley

"came to her rescue.

"The dashing constable could havestepped out of one of my books."

COLIN: It's her.

Hey!

I'm sleeping, Sloper.

The woman who did me the fry-upit's her.

Look...

Same name.

Hey! Sloper's reading a tart's book!

Give it here! Give it back!

Sloper! Shut up, and sit down!

Oh, sarge!

Morning, Ventress.

Oh, I didn't expect to see you.

Really?

Open a window.

Where's Bradley?

Due in, sarge, any minute.

How's cadet training going?

It's going very well.Thank you, Bellamy.

They're all but willingand the exercise is doing me good.

The whole experiencehas been most invigorating.

How are things here?

Oh, very similar, sarge.

Good morning, Bradley.

It's a surprise to see you.

Ah, well, it seemed opportune.

It's not often one of my officersreceives such public commendation.

More to the point, he earned thispraise through fitness for duty.

Skill, allied to endurance.

That's our goal when I come back.

And I'm grateful to you Bradleyfor setting such a timely example.

That's all.

- What's he on about?- Thanks, you budge.

I think I'd better go and lie down.

Now, don't tell meyou haven't seen it.

"Magnificent Mike."

MICHAEL: Joke over!

- What joke?- You here. Me.

And anybody else you intend to use.

What are you talking about?

Truth, lies, fact, fiction.Don't know the difference, do you?

Oh, dear.

I am so sorry.

Nothing to do with you, I suppose?

This is as much of a surprise to meas it is to you.

You set up some pathetic publicitystunt and it's a surprise, is it?

But it is. My agent saidhe wouldn't use it right away.

You were saving it, were you?

For the front cover of your book?

- Well...- Look,

I think you've wastedenough police time already.

From now on, whatever troubleyou get yourself into,

don't call me!

Meow!

Where'd you get this information?

I've come straight from the prison.

I knew that once you'd read that,

you'd want to reopen Drabble's file.

How come Vic Payntor waitedtill now to shop him?

No idea, Alf.

It's a mystery.

I took a message for you,Mr Drabble.

- It's on a note pad in the office.- Right you are.

What are the chancesof you two settling your slate?

About as much chanceas you packing and moaning.

It's not water and aspirinsI'm putting in, you know, Claude.

The money I've laid outfor that piece of land

is a non-returnable depositbut I don't go on.

Just relax.

We'll be home and drywhen the results come out.

I'm sorry, Claude,you'll have to manage by yourself.

Why? Is there summat up?

No, no.Just something I've got to do.

See you first thing in the morning.

ALL CHEERING

Come on. Let's go.

Mike, wait!

I've been made to looklike a complete idiot.

No, you haven't!

They meant that ovation?

Of course they did.They don't know she set you up.

Come on, Mike.you're losing your sense of humour.

I was just trying to do my job.

Yeah, that's what I told her.

You talked to her?

Yes. I told her she was a silly cow.

You could both have been injured.

I shall apologise, of course.

Absolutely not!

Absolutely yes.

You're not flatteredby the attention?

No.

Not even a little bit?

Not even a little bit.

Well, good, because I can give youall the attention you need.

Come on, let's go back inside.

Later. Come on!

Right, last day.Let's make it count.

Smith and Todd, over there.

Sloper, go with Boon.

Come on, Varley, get cracking.

Move! Move! Move!

Will someone put an applein that pig's gob?

What was that, Varley?

I said give me the toolsand I'll finish the job, sir.

ALL: Morning.

Morning, gents.

Morning.

Nice day, again.

Happy voting.

What are you doing?

That won't last five minutes.Come on, out of it.

♪ I went away

♪ Just when you needed me so

♪ Filled with regret

♪ I come back begging you

♪ Forgive, forget

♪ Where's the love we once knew?

♪ Open up your eyes

♪ Then you'll realize

♪ Here I standwith my everlasting love

♪ Need you by my side

♪ Girl, to be my bride

♪ You'll never be denied

♪ Everlasting love

♪ From the very start

♪ Open up your heart

♪ Be a lasting partof everlasting love. ♪

Hello?

Thanks, Len. Just a few minutes.Good morning, ladies.

ALL: Good morning, Claude.

If the devil was to cast his net.HE LAUGHS

The bus has stopped a few minutes

for anyone wanting to use your votefor your candidate, Mr Tom Drabble.

HONOR: Colin?

You'll find your bus service will besafe in the hands of Mr Drabble.

Has Drabble shown up, yet?

Not while we've been here.

POLICE ON RADIO I'll get it.

As soon as he does, I want to know.

What's going on?

Oscar's gotsome new evidence against him.

Mike, that was the station.Mrs Gale.

She had an intruder.He might be there.

Just leave me out of it.

Things are missing.She sounds scared.

She's very good at that.

Phil, do us a favour,tell her to write a list

and drop it in at the station.

Make a list? No, really,I need someone to come now.

No! Please!

Hello?

THUMP ON FLOOR

Who's there?

- BLENKIRON: No sign of him?- No, sir.

Right, get in, we're going.

What about Varley?

He'll get what's coming to him,come on.

There you go. Have a sip of that.

Are you sureyou weren't imagining it?

Someone was there.

The police seemed to thinkI'm making it up.

I wonder why.

MICHAEL: Mr Blenkiron.

Constable.CLEARS THROAT

One of my prisoners has gone AWOL.

The same lad as before?

No. I only wish it was.

Why'd you say that?

This one's named Varley,a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde,

with just enough brainsto be dangerous.

Do any of his mates knowwhere he is?

He hasn't got any mates.

Sloper's the nearest thing,

like a dog to his master.

Hello?

It's Jackie Lambert.

Hello?

Honor?

MICHAEL: He didn't say anything?

If you know where he might be,you'd help him.

- He could've gone for a fry-up.- A fry-up?

Like the one the lady did for me.The writer lady.

MOTORCYCLE REVVING Mike!

MOTORCYCLE RACES OFF

Honor?

What do you want?

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY

Where's Mrs Gale?

Out.

What are you doing here?

I just dropped in for a chat.

I think you should go.

Don't be like that! Have a drink.

She said to help myself.

All right.

After you.

I won't bite.

Jackie!

Jackie!

Jackie.

You like a bit of a chase, dear?

Don't come near me.

What are you scared of?

Squeezing the trees?

Who's the animal now?

HE GROANS

SHE SCREAMS

Get off!

Don't move!

It's OK.

It's OK, it's OK. It's OK.

It's OK, it's OK.

It's all right, it's all right.

It's all over.

It's OK.

It's OK.

Still your man hasn't turned up.

Why should he?He knows he's walked it.

Walked it? Legged it, more like.

What does he mean by that?

Why's Alf Ventress looking for him?

Don't ask me, I'm neutral.

There's been some funny,handshaking thing going on.

Meaning what?

Work it out with a pencil.

Have you found him?

We saw him last,when he got that message.

I bet Blaketon'shad summat to do with it.

What's happening in there?

They're having recounts.

You shouldn't have boughtthat land, Claude.

Now you tell me.Why weren't you forceful?

If you'd put your foot down,you'd have felt mine.

- What's this?- I'm going.

- For good?- Don't say you're sorry.

Right.

That's not very gallant.SHE SIGHS

The real thing is alwayssuch a let down.

Really?

Jackie's back at the cottage.She helped me to tidy up.

The rent's paid.

Why don't the two of you snuggledown till the lease runs out?

Two recounts ended in a dead heat.

According to the rules,the winner shall be decided by lot.

Who's he when he's at home?

By a toss of a coin, Mr Greengrass.

- You what?- Coin. It's in the rules.

Since Mr Drabblestill appears to be indisposed,

it falls to Mr Blaketon to call.

If I could just have a word, sir?

Mr Drabble's absence may be due toenquiries into a criminal matter.

Criminal matter?

Aye. I just thought I'd mention it.

Oh, yes. Thank you, sergeant.

Tails.

Tails it is!

Thank you very much.

It's a flamin' fiddle.And you know why, don't you, Alf?

What are you talking about?

Drabble's been nobbled.And 'cause he has, so have I.

Claude planned to be a caravan king.

Because of you lot,I lost my deposit.

Nobody puts up a depositin a local election.

It's not that sort of deposit.

Alf, you know nowt about politics.

Neither do you.

Honor thoughtyou might need some help.

Oh, did she?

I thought she'd gone for good.

She has. She packedwhat she wanted and left the rest.

It wasn't a good idea,her living here alone.

No?

No. You need companyin a house like this.

If I'd have believed her SOSshe might have stayed.

Forget it. Have a drink.

I'm serious. I let her down.

Oh, you did, did you?

What, you don't think so?

Mike...

She's gone home

because she got everythingshe came here for.

Really?

Except one thing.

My hero.HE CHUCKLES

I love you.

I love you, too.

What would you sayto all-year-round hero cover?

Sounds very comprehensive.

It is.

How does that work?

Well, it's called marriage.

What?

Marriage.

You're serious?

Yes.

Will you marry me?