01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[ Both groaning ]

[ Both panting ]

Wow! Déjà vu!

Hi, tony.
Felix, hi.
How are you?

Pretty good.
How you doing?

Same old grind.
You ready for the movie?

I just close up in minutes.
Let's go see that movie.

Okay, let's go!
Excuse me for a sec.

May I help you, sir?

What?

Oh, god, I'm sorry.
This is apollo.

This is apollo?
Yeah, he's with us.

He's coming to the movie
with us, okay?
That's great.

Okay, apollo, I want you
to meet my buddy tony.

Hi.
Hi, apollo.
Pleased to meet you.

What do I look like,
a businessman?

Save that for
a businessman, okay?

I'm not
a businessman.

[ Laughs ]
joke!

Funny guy, huh?
Yeah, he is.

[ Mockingly ]
yeah, he is.

Okay, you guys,
what do you want to go see?

I have the listings
right here.

I'm easy.

You know me.
I'll see anything.

Hey, how about we go see
"high stakes"?

Oh, I'd love to see
"high stakes."

Yes, I've heard nothing
but great things about it.

I heard it's, like, the best
action movie since "die hard."

Okay.

Yes, definitely
"high stakes."

Let's go see
"high stakes."

Excuse me.

Who told you
it was a good movie?

People.

Sorry, what people?
Do you mind if I ask?

People come to the diner
after the movie

To have a milkshake
and a burger,

And they talk about the movie
articulately sometimes.

Yeah, intelligent people
come here to the diner.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Do they really?

Well, apparently not.

I've seen it.
It's a piece of crap.

That's what I was
trying to say.

That would be dumb then.
He's seen it, you know?

Look, do you guys
want to see a movie?
Yeah, we want to see --

It doesn't sound like
you want to see a movie.

Tony, what is with you?
You are "mr. Movie."

Well, I don't see a movie
every night of my life.

I can go home and read a book.
I can be "mr. Book," I guess.

[ Gasps ] I got it!
Woody allen.

There's a woody allen
film festival in town.

You love woody allen.

I love woody allen.
It's really up to you guys.

You like woody allen?

Huh?

Yeah,
I like woody allen.
Oh?

I, uh,
love woody allen.
Oh?

Yeah, I think a lot
of important film critics,

Though they don't
come here to the diner,

Would probably
agree with me

That he's the
number-one comedy genius --
genius?

Yeah, genius
of the past years.

Yeah, I love
woody allen.

So?
I totally agree.

Great.

Well, woody allen
it is, then.

Yeah, let's go see
the genius.

Okay, it doesn't start
for, what, half an hour?

I'm starved. You got something
to eat around here?

I got some cheese sandwiches
left over from the day.

Oh, great.
I love these!

Apollo, here.
Have one of these babies.

I love your
cheese sandwiches.

What is it
you do again?

Oh, well, you know,
I do a few things.

I butter both sides
of the bread.

And, of course,
I pregrill the cheese.

I find that brings out
the essence of the
whole cheese flavor,

Sort of helps the
entire cheese affair.

No, thanks.

I mean, no thanks
to the cheese sandwich.

I'd just rather not eat
a cheese sandwich right now.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to throw it on the floor.

I missed.
That'll happen to a guy.

I don't think a court in
the world will convict me.

No!
I'm sorry.

I know it's your specialty
and everything.

You must be having
a great time up there

Buttering both sides
of the bread.

I'm sure you're gonna
go far with that thing.

Ride that rocket,
baby.

What do you do
with your eyes there?

That's bugging me.
Do you mind?

All right,
who is he?

I want to know,
who is he?
Apollo.

Oh, no, I know who he is.

I want to know,
who does he think he is?

Huh?
Who do you think you are?

All right,
listen, buddy --

No, who do you
think you are?

You're obviously
someone very important

To come into
my establishment

And treat me like I
was the scum you scrape
off the tomato soup.

That wasn't the --
oh, no, no, no.

No, you're obviously
from a very rich,
important family.

Maybe your uncle
invented something great,
like the toaster?

You little
piece of crap!

I know who you are.
I know who you are!

You're just another
bully, like the guy
in the streetcar today

Who took me away from
the window seat "'cause
I like the window seat."

You little piece of...jerk!
Let me tell you something.

Look at me!
Look at me!!

Let me tell you
something!

I am going to college,
and I am studying journalism.

When I graduate
in a few years,

I'll be working for the
best paper in this city,

And you'll still be
coming to places like this,

Picking on people like
me, you little piece
of...crap...jerk...crap!

Who do you
think you are?!

Who...do you
think...you are?!

[ Laughter and applause ]

I don't think your friend
likes me very much, man.

He didn't mean
nothing.

He didn't mean nothing?
What the hell was that?

He's okay?

No, he's an assh*le.

You're the assh*le!

You're the assh*le!
No, you're the assh*le!

You're the assh*le!
You're the assh*le!

Assho-o-o-le!

I blame you.

What?!
Yeah!

What the hell
was that all about?

He's a total creep.

No, no, you rode him
the moment he came in here.

Are you blind?
No, I'm not blind.

What are you staring at?
Nothing.

You're looking at my
birthmark, aren't you?

Forget the movie.
I mean it.

Screw woody allen.

What?! What?!

You never understood
"interiors"!

I don't know.

Was it me?

[ Laughter and applause ]

Hi, I'm bruce mcculloch.

I'd like to tell you
about the daves I know.

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ David hoffner,
he works in my dad's store ♪

♪ He's worked here
for years ♪

♪ He'll probably work here
for more ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ Dave gort
I've known since I was six ♪

♪ In grade eight he broke his
leg, so we got drunk and sick ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ Some of them are davids ♪

♪ But most of us are daves ♪

♪ They all have
their own hands ♪

♪ But they come
from different moms ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ Dave jadiski
man, this cat can swing ♪

♪ He weighs almost pounds ♪

♪ And he delivers my paper
on time ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ Dave capisano,
I hardly know him ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the daves I know ♪

♪ We are the daves
he knows, he knows ♪

♪ We are the daves he knows ♪

♪ We are the daves
he knows, he knows ♪

♪ We are the daves he knows ♪

♪ Some of us are davids ♪

♪ But most of us are daves ♪

♪ We all have our own hands, but
we come from different moms ♪

♪ These are the daves
I know, I know ♪

♪ We are the daves
he knows, he knows ♪

♪ These are the... ♪

♪ Daves! ♪

Thank you.

Hi, my name's dave foley,

And something you might not
know about me

Is that I have a good attitude
toward menstruation.

That's right, I'm the guy --

The guy with a good attitude
toward menstruation.

Oh, I know a lot of men
are made uncomfortable

By this monthly miracle,
but not me.

No, I embrace it --

Embrace it the way
some men embrace the weekend.

Why, I anticipate it the way
a child anticipates christmas.

Did you know that in a lot
of native indian cultures,

Menstruating women were forced
to leave the village,

Less their powerful magic should
overwhelm that of the shaman?

If I were a shaman,
I wouldn't be so competitive.

I'd be more open and giving.

I'd be a shaman with a good
attitude toward menstruation.

'Cause after all, what is it?

A cluster of blood vessels
awaiting a fertilized egg,

Providing a safe warm place
for that egg to grow.

And if a life does not occur,

The whole thing is flushed away,
and the cycle begins again.

Now, is that anything to be
ashamed of or disgusted by?

No, this is the nesting stuff
of humanity.

That's why the woman
I shall love

Will be able to menstruate as
fully and freely as she desires,

Even if her monthly flow should
build in intensity to a raging,

Rust-colored torrent...

An unbridled river of
life-giving blood

Flowing from between her legs...

An awesome cataract plunging off
the edge of our couch.

I wouldn't be fazed!

No, no, even if courier du bois
were to come upstream,

Battling the ready rapids
and singing a jaunty song,

I would take no offense.

Rather, I would ford across
that mighty womanly river

And fetch herbal tea
and pamprin.

And then I'd mop her brow, and
I would admire her fecundity,

For I have a good attitude
toward menstruation!

Let me in!
I want to be in.

Claudia, let me
in the house!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

Now that I'm sorry,
let me in!

If I'm out all night,
I will freeze and die.

Will you be happy when you
see me frozen and dead?

Yes!

Okay, I see the humor
in this now.

So let me in!

No!

All right.
That's all right.

The house is in my name.
I can do what I want.

I can do what I want.

New house rules!
New house rules!

From now on, the outside
of the house is the inside,

And the inside of the house
is the outside!

You can't do that!
Yes, I can.

The house is in my name.
I can do whatever I want.

You're outdoors, baby!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll
just retire to the living room,

Where it's far more
comfortable.

All right,
harold.

Let me in.

No!

Let me in, please,
you bastard! Let me in!

No-o!

Let me in, harold.

I swear to god,
I'll k*ll you!

When I'm ready, baby!
When I'm ready!

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Come on, mom.

You'll find other friends.

Dad...there will be other
law firms in boston.

Man: it's never easy when timmy
gets transferred.

Hello, my name is ed.

He's sick
of the swiss.

That's right.

I'm sick of their
good reputation.

He's really sick
of the swiss.

I'm sick
of their cheese.

I'm sick
of their chocolate.

And I'm especially
sick of their plucky
heroine, heidi.

He's sick of the swiss.
He don't like 'em.

I mean, every other
nation in the world

Has taken their turn being
maligned and slandered,

But not the swiss!

Icky, yucky, stinky,
stupid switzerland.

Well, that situation
is over as of now.

Move over, america!

There's a new assh*le
on the map.

I've had it up to here
with your skiing heroes.

I've had it up to here
with your mountains.

I've had it up to here with
your secret bank accounts.

From now on, switzerland,
your name is mud.

♪ If you roast them all
in a fondue pot ♪

♪ Sure bet that they'll
complain a lot ♪

Whiny, whiny
switzerland.

It's w*r between
the swiss and me.

But they've never done
anything wrong, you say.

Ha! Ha!

What about
the clock, huh?

If they hadn't invented
the clock,

I'd still be in bed,
dreaming.

It's time...
It's time...

Oh, it's time
to hate the swiss.

Zurich-heads...

Cuckoo cuckoos...

Land-locked losers...

Neutral ninnies...

Boring bankers...

Chalet pimps.

Oh, yeah,
his name is ed.

He'd like to see
the swiss dead.

He's sick
of the swiss.
[ Gagging ]

Hey, got a problem
with that, belgium?

Oh, lord,
where's the doctor?

He said he'd get
here soon as

"All creatures great
and small" was over.

Oh, you'd better stay put,
frank.

I can't stay
in bed, martha.

I got to get out
and plant the sheep.

If we don't get ourselves
a good crop of wool this year,

We're gonna
lose the farm.

Don't worry. Frank jr.
Will...plant the sheep.

Frank jr.?
He's just a little girl.

I know, but it's about time
she became a man.

You just stay
and rest.

No, I --

Frank jr.:
Doctor's coming, ma!

The doctor's coming,
frank.

You stay here.
I'll be back with the doctor.

The doctor's coming up
the way, ma!

Oh! He stopped!
He's just looking down!

He's just staring
at a pretty rock, ma!

Oh, he picked it up,
and he threw it!

He hit a crow
with the rock, ma!

The doctor hit a crow with the
rock, and he's coming again, ma!

I can see him.

He's almost here, ma!
Doctor's almost here!

Hi, doctor.

Hey, frank jr.,
Mrs. Mckay.

Hi, doctor.
Excuse me, junior.

Come right on in,
doctor.
Why, sure.

Come right in.
Frank's in the bedroom.

I better wipe the mud
off my boots first.

No, that's all right.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's such a lovely day,
I figured I'd come
by the river route,

And you know what a mess
of rain we've been having,

My boots have gathered
their fair share of
mud on the travel.

Please don't bother.
Oh, it's no bother.

I don't want to get mud all
over your kitchen floor.

We're gonna clean
the floor later --

I wouldn't hear of it.
I would not hear of it --

Just take the damn
things off, then!

I'm sorry, doctor.

It's just that frank
is awfully sick.

No, no, no, mrs. Mckay,
you're right, you're right.

I'll just take
them off.

Well, let's just
get down here,

And, uh, uh, um...
Well, what do you know?

Got a little knot
in my laces.

Never mind,
never mind --

I'm getting
the floor dirty.

I love dirty floors.
I love dirty floors.

Well, if you really
don't mind.

[ Sniffing ]

Why, is that pie I smell?

No, it's the smell
of my daddy dying!

No, I'm pretty sure

That's the smell
of your ma's apple pie.

Well, I did bake
an apple pie for
the sunday meal, doctor.

You sure do make
the finest pie in the county,

No doubting that.

Would you like
a piece, doctor?

I'd be a fool to turn
down a slice of your pie.

One quick little
piece, then.

Okay.

Hey, frank jr.
Hey, doctor.

How's school been
treating you?

Good, good, you know,
school.

So, what do you want
to be when you grow up?

Oh, maybe a doctor
like you,

Or a corpse -- uh, I mean,
a farmer like my daddy.

You know, boy,
your pa's a fine man.

[ Frank moans ]

Here's your pie,
doctor.

Why, that's
lovely-looking pie.

Mm-mmm.

[ Moaning continues ]

[ Moans ]

[ Cries ]

[ Coughs ]

Would you like seconds,
dr. Am--

Why, I'd love another
slice of pie.

Force of habit.

Get him another slice,
junior.

I'd better check on frank,
doctor.

He's doing
mighty poorly.
Whatever.

[ Gasps ]

Hey, you leave
my man alone!

Hey!

Death! Death! Death!

Now, it's easy,
frank jr.

At one point, I wanted to be
a country-western singer

And not the doctor that
I eventually become.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

Doctor! Doctor, you'd better
check on frank.

Death is banging
on his door!

Now, mrs. Mckay,

I really think I oughta
be doing the doctoring
around here, don't you?

Yeah!
Oh, right.

Now, once you learn
a bar chord,

The whole musical world
is your oyster.

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

Ah, shoo, death! Shoo!

Death be not proud!

Oh!
He's armed!

Well, let's have a look
at this here dying man
thanksof yours, mrs. Mckay.

Hey, frank.

Hi, there,
dr. Amity.

Let's have a look
at you, boy.

Aaaahh.

I can't see anything wrong
with this man.

No reason why he shouldn't
be out planting the sheep.

Guess I'd better be getting
over to the parker place.

You know, mrs. Parker's
expecting...one of mine.

[ Sniffing ]

Why, is that
chicken I smell?

Well, there's one
in the coop.

I guess I could k*ll it
and cook it for you.

Well, if it ain't
too much trouble.

'Tain't no
trouble at all.

That pie's
for dessert!

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughter and applause ]