01x17 - Episode 17

[bunniefuu]

That's it.

I'm done.

Honey, I've written
my first thriller.

Oh, that's wonderful,
dear.

Well, would you read it
for me?

Tell me what you think?

[ Gasps ]

Oh -- oh,
I think you've done it, dear!

I think
you've really done it!

Really, you think so?

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

[ Both gasp ]

[ Pop music plays ]

The second book
is always the hardest.

God,
it's got to be great!

If it isn't any good,

They'll just say that
my first book was just a fluke!

I've got it.

I've got it, yes!

Yes! Yes!

Done.

Finished.

Honey, I think
I've done it again.

Well...

[ Gasping ]

Huh?

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, I'm so proud of me.

[ Pop music plays ]

[ Gasping ]

Man: "hey, there's a spider
on your back!",

A talking book
by donald dane.

Man # : "hey, there's a spider
on your back!"

[ Tires screech ]

[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]

Oh, well, come on in.
Please come in.

Oh, yeah, right.

Wow!

So this
is your place, eh?

Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
All right.

Oh, god,
sorry about the mess.

Huh?
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah.

I heard it's pretty expensive
to live in toronto, eh?

Yeah. Yeah, but the, uh,
the human cost is even higher.

[ Laughs ]

Uh, so,
would you like a beer?

All right!
Now you're talkin' my language!

All right!
All right, buddy!

So, uh, listen, did you, uh,
enjoy the hockey game?

Yeah, yeah, I thought
it was pretty good, right?

Yeah, I thought everyone,
uh, you know,

Did their,
uh, did their parts well.

Right.

Oh, you know what, leslie?

You missed a great fight
when you went to the can, eh?

Oh, really?

Yeah. Lemieux took clark
into the boards, right?

Wrong move, eh?

Insanity!

Yeah, exactly, right?!

You know, clark comes up --
he's crazy, right? --

Starts whalin'
on lemieux's head, right?

The crowd's goin' nuts,
right?!

I'm sittin' there,
laughin', you know?

It's too bad you missed it,
buddy, it was great.

Oh, well, the way you just
painted it, it's like I'm there.

[ Clears throat ]

Anyway, I think
I've gonna go change.

Did you need to change
or anything?

I got --
hey, I'm okay, eh?

All right, okay.

Hey, I'm casual, right?

Hey, do you mind
if I watch a bit of tv?

[ Howls ]

Party!

[ Man speaking indistinctly ]

[ Hisses ]

[ Sniffs ]

[ Sniffs ]

[ Hisses ]

That game really got
you goin', eh?

Brad, did you know

That the legend of dracula
was based on fact?

Uh...

In th-century transylvania,

There lived a man named
vlad the impaler.

Oh, yeah.

He ruled the land
from the darkest castle.

Imagine, brad,
the experience

Of walking through a dark
transylvanian forest at night.

The mist creeps in --
what? What was that?!

Oh! I -- I didn't hear
a thing!

Could be him.

You run, stumbling,
fearful,

The brambles catching

On your white, loose-fitting
peasant blouse,

Your -- your -- your underwear
caught around your ankles.

You stumble into a clearing.

"Haven't I been here before?!
I'm lost!"

Did I scare you?

Aah, no.

It's j--
that's just a movie, eh?

Okay.

Yeah.

Movie -- would you --
d-d-do you like movies, brad?

Yeah, I like movies.

Oh, then let's watch one.

I have lots of very interesting
movies in my film library.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, hey, do you got any of
those "american ninja" movies?

I think I took
my last one back.

Aw.

But, uh,
what could we watch?

Oh, look at this one!

What? It has no title!
I wonder what it could be!

What a mystery.
I don't know.

Why don't we put it in the vcr
and solve the mystery together?

Hey, let's do her up, eh!
Let's serve her up.

Mind if I swoop?

It's your place.

[ Chuckles ]

Party!

[ Men grunting, moaning ]

It's porno!

So it is.

Those are guys!

So they are.
Well, mystery solved!

Oh, jesus!

[ Clears throat ]

I like this one.

It makes me hot.
How about you?

What's with the hand?

The hand?

Yeah, the hand, right?

[ Sighs ]

Okay, brad, it's like this.

You're a nice young guy.

You're thoughtful and handsome.
Really bright, intelligent,

Considerate, hung, industrious,
forward-thinking, patriotic.

Anyway, these are all qualities
that I value in a person.

You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.

I guess that what I'm trying to
say is that I like you.

...and I want to help you out
in any way that I can.

So if you ever need money
for tuition,

If you decide to go to college,
come see me.

You ever want tickets for more
hockey games, you see me.

You want the occasional
blow job --

Oh, jesus!

Not again!
What?

Every time I come
to the city,

Some guy picks me up
at the bus station,

Takes me to a leaf game,
gets me pissed,

And then tries to blow me!

Why can't people like me
for me?

Gee, brad,
I'm -- I'm sorry.

I-i-i didn't know
about your past.

I do like you for you.
Yeah, right.

But as far as I can see,
that's no reason to break

With that little tradition
you've got going.

I'm not q*eer.

Oh, no, of course not!

No, of course
you're not q*eer.

But why don't you have
a couple of drinks

And see if you can put
the "bi" back in bisexual?

I'm gonna need a lot of beer.

I keep a chilled keg
in my bedroom.

Oh, jesus!

Look. I don't do nothin'.

You come, don't you?

Yeah!
Great!

It's this way.

Great.

Brad.
What?

When you speak of this -- and I
know you will -- be kind.

Yeah, right!
I ain't tellin' no one.

Deal, sure,
whatever you want.

Hi, I'm kevin mcdonald.

You may know me as a member
of the comedy troupe

"The kids in the hall,"

Who's show you are watching
right now.

Hi, I'm kevin mcdonald.

You may know me as a member
of the comedy troupe

"The kids in the hall,"

Who's show
you've just turned to.

[ Laughter ]

Each member of the troupe
tries to write

At least one sketch per show.

Well, I thought

That my sketch this evening
deserves a little information.

You see, I'm tired of writing
the traditional comedy sketch.

That is to say,

One with a beginning
and a middle and an end.

So I wrote one
without a beginning or an end --

It just has a middle.

[ Laughter ]

Some of the other guys
in the troupe are saying

That I'm a little burned out.

[ Laughter ]

And I didn't really have
any good enough ideas

To write a beginning
or an end,

And I'm just trying to get by
on a gimmick.

[ Laughing ] that, of course,
is ridiculous!

They also say that if this
sketch doesn't work out,

They're going to re-evaluate me
as a member of the troupe.

So, I hope you enjoy this.
I really hope you enjoy this!

[ Laughter ]

And now,
my little piece of comedy.

Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.

I've gotta stop you
and your revolutionaries

From taking over
this country.

No, 'cause I have to stop you
and your revolutionaries

From taking over
this country.

[ g*nshots ricocheting ]

[ Southern accent ]
hell, both of you stop it!

Don't you guys remember
what happened last time?

That's right.
You should be ashamed -- oh!

Morning, mr. Mayor.

How are ya, anyway?

Good to see you back.

I thought you weren't comin'
back till tuesday.

That's what I thought,
cause that's what I heard.

Yeah!

Well, that was my sketch --
or the middle of it, anyway.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It -- it was kind of conceptual,

But -- but don't you think
mark's accent was funny?

I thought it was
a great middle, kevin.

Thanks, mom!

My mother!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Of course, she's the woman
that I support.

[ Laughter ]

Well, not financially,
but spiritually.

And, of course, if I was out
of the troupe for any reason,

I would find it hard to give her
the kind of moral support

That I like to give her.

I need to work to be happy.

So if I'm not in the show
next week

After the troupe
re-evaluates me,

I would just like to thank
the "kids in the hall"

For giving me a chance
to fail,

Which is all I asked
and all I did.

[ Laughter ]

So, mom, um,
what time's your operation?

[ Laughter ]

What operation?

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ No audio ]

Oh, what has happened
to my world?

It's terrible!

I hate it!

[ Coughs ]

All the pollution --
the mess --

Oh, gross!

Yuck!

Oh, I hate my world.

Hey.
Hey, buddy.

Oh, my god, he's dead!

Dead! Oh!

Oh, the misery
of finger existence!

To jump or not to be,

That is the question.

[ Knocking on door ]

Right in the middle
of the second act.

Wouldn't you know?!

Stay put.

[ Knock on door ]

Good morning, misha.

What the hell do you want?!

[ Foreign accent ]
I don't have enough money

To pay for this cab.

Oh, no! Not this again!

I don't have enough money
to pay for this cab.

Sit, sit, sit,
sit, sit, sit!

Continuing with act two.

[ High-pitched voice ]
oh, you seem so sad, my friend.

Why the --

I don't have enough money
to pay for this cab!

All right!

That's it!

I'm fed up with you!

I invite you into my house
to put on a play for you,

And you interrupt me?!

What kind of --
I'm crushing your head!

I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing it!

Happily, I crush your head.

Get out of my household!

Take it and get outta town!

There is nobody home.

What?

There is nobody home!

What do you mean
"there's nobody home"?

I'm home.
I'm sitting in it.

There is nobody home.

What are you doing
with your thumb?

Stop that!

What are you doing with your --
stop that!

You're making me angry!
Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

What are you doing?

I see.

There's nobody home!

Nobody home.

There's nobody home!

Nobody home!

I flatten you out!
I flatten you out!

[ Horn honking ]

Stay there.
Nobody move.

[ Horn honking ]

What is it?

I'm -- I want to talk
to the lady who went inside!

Why?

She didn't pay me.

So, what do you want me to do
about it, mr. Guy?

I want my money!

Right, mom?!

All right, I'll go look.

All right, I'm looking.

I'm looking.

I'm looking around.

I'm checking really hard!

But it looks like
there's nobody home!

Nobody home.

So get lost!

I'm gonna call the cops!

Let me talk to your mom.

Ma'am!
I'm crushing your head!

You wrinkly old battle-ax!

And here's one for you,
you cabby!

Crush, crush!

Go suck on me,
you little teat.

You wimpy,
flat-headed mama's boy.

Crush!
Go, run, flee!

Flee my fingers
'cause I'm crushing your head.

I'm crushing your cab!

I'm crushing your taxi!

[ Imitates banging noises ]

[ Blows ]

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes!

If I recall,
there was nobody home!

There's nobody home!

That's right!

You know...

If we do this for a month,

We live here rent free!

[ Rock 'n' roll music plays ]

The difficult thing about being
a mass m*rder*r...

Isn't the, uh,
murdering part.

It's the mass part.

It's the pace
you've got to keep up --

The sheer volume of murdering.

'Cause the funny thing
about k*lling...

After the first time
you've k*lled,

The second time it's easy.

The third time, you start to get
cocky, so you gotta be careful.

You know, you gotta stay humble
or you make dumb mistakes.

And, oh, by around
the seventh time,

You're likely to feel like
you're in a bit of a rut.

Want to get artistic with it,
you know.

Start cutting off the middle toe
of each victim

So you'll be known as the,
uh, "middle toe m*rder*r."

By that point,
i-i-i don't know,

I think that's showboating,
you know?

You gotta ask yourself,
"who am I doing this for?

Am I doing it for myself
or for the press?"

And around about
the th m*rder,

Well, you're likely to be sick
of the whole thing, you know?

I-i-i -- sometimes I don't even
want to look at another corpse.

[ Laughs ]

I feel like if I even see
a chainsaw, I'll scream.

[ Laughter ]

It's like what happened
the other day.

I had just finished ending
a human life

In a senseless act
of v*olence,

When I run into this old friend
of mine from high school,

And he says,
"hey, whatcha been doin'?"

And I think to myself,
"what have I been doing?

"What am I doing with my life?

"Where is this leading?

Am I going to be doing this
at ?"

Sometimes I think I really
should go back to college.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Vaudeville piano music plays ]

♪ Hey there, folks ♪

♪ Sitting in your places ♪

♪ We got some jokes to put
smiles on your faces ♪

♪ We get some laughs ♪

♪ And do we get some tail ♪
whoo!

♪ We might even blame you folks
if it fails ♪

Whew! Whew!

Oh, mr. K.

Oh, mr. B.

Oh, mr. K.

Oh, mr. B.

♪ We got a story ♪

So...
So...

So...
So...

So, I hear
you're an optimist.

Yes, I am an optimist.

Tell me,

What's the difference between
an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist says,
"the drink is half-full."

A pessimist says,
"the drink is half-full,

But I might have
bowel cancer."

[ Rim shot ]
whoa! Whoa!

So...

So...

So...
So...

I hear you have an uncle.

Yes, sir,
I do have an uncle.

By all means,
tell me about your uncle.

He's worked at the same dead-end
job he loathes for years.

Tell me, why would your uncle --
or any man --

Work in the same dead-end job
he loathed for years?

I asked him. He said,
"I'll try anything once."

[ Rim shot ]
whoa! Whoa!

So...i'm f*cking your wife!

Oh, mr. B.

Oh, mr. K.

♪ I got a story ♪

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Despair!

Come in, man,
I know you well.

Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

I looked in the mirror
the other day,

And I noticed
another gray hair

And another line running down
the middle of my face.

And I realized
I'm turning next week,

And just where the hell
is my life going?

Oh, mr. K.!

Oh, mr. B.!

♪ We've got a story ♪

I can't believe you went
and did it, man!

I can't believe you went

And gave sharice the money
for an abortion!

It was my baby!
I should've been consulted!

Where were you
when we needed you?!

I was out getting
my head together!

You know me, man!

I loved you -- once!

But you betrayed me!
Ahh!

[ Rim shot ]

♪ We got a story ♪

[ Vaudeville piano music plays ]

[ Jazz music plays ]

♪ Darcy, darcy ♪

♪ Darcy pennell ♪

♪ She makes all cities
feel real swell ♪

♪ Darcy, darcy ♪

♪ Darcy pennell ♪

♪ She makes your life
a lot less hell ♪

Darcy!

[ No audio ]
[ french accent ]
why aren't you speaking?

Your lips are moving,
but you're not speaking.

What?

Welcome to
"the darcy pennell show."

I'm darcy pennell.

Hi, how you doing?

Today we're gonna take a look
at the world of high fashion.

I'd like to welcome our guest,

Internationally renowned fashion
designer christian renewer.

Um, no, it's, uh,
christian renoir.

Uh, christian renah.
No, christian renoir.

Christian renah.
Christian...renoir.

Christian renah.
No, christian renoir.

Christian renah.
Christian.

Christian.
Renoir.

Christian renoir.
No, listen to me!

Christian renoir!

I'd like to start off by saying
that you look like a right guy.

You look like a serious,
straight-sh**ting guy.

You're wearing a guy shirt.

Why fashion?

Well, darcy, it's just that I've
always loved beautiful women.

All my life I've loved them,

And, uh, I love the way
that they, uh, look.

And, uh, I've always wanted
to be a part

Of the beautiful women
in some way --

An appendage
to the beautiful women.

An arm or a leg to the beautiful
women in some respect.

So, I think I should design
clothes for the beautiful women,

And that way I can, uh,
celebrate them...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

...and become a part of them
because I love beautiful women.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But I hate ugly women,
darcy!

Oh, I hate ugly women

With a passion
you cannot begin to imagine!

And they are an abomination
of everything

That the beautiful woman
stands for.

Hmm.

So is this hatred for ugly women
affected your work at all?

Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!

In fact, my career has taken a
bit of a turn in that direction.

I'm now designing
a line of clothes

Specifically
for the ugly woman.

Are you french?

No.

Well, let's take a look
at your sketches!
Fine!

Now, uh, darcy, this first
sketch is of an evening gown.

It's, uh,
a very tight-fitting gown.

And it's backless,

Designed to highlight
the various ugly bulges

That the ugly woman manages
to grow on her body.

And this gown

Is made entirely out of pink
fiberglass foam insulation.

Oh, right.

Now, how would -- how would you
accessorize this?

Ah, yes, darcy.

Well, what I've done
for this dress

Is I've designed a hat that
I call the spike in the head.

Oh?

Quite simply, it is a spike
driven into the woman's head.

Very simple, very painful,

But the ugly woman deserves
only the most painful.

I love hats,
but I don't have a hat face.

Well, then, darcy, follow me on
a journey from the head.

We take an elevator
right down to the shoe,

Where we find
the boite de verre shoe.

Translated,
it is the "box of glass."

Oh!

What it is, it is a box of
broken glass with a thong

To hold the foot firmly
in the box so that you --

So that you don't, uh,
you know, lose a shoe.

'Cause you don't want
to lose a shoe.

To me, christian,
half the battle is the cost.

I mean, it's all fine to look
pretty and nice and everything,

But, um, how much
is the spike in the head?

Lou, is this the camera?

Chris? Chris?
Buddy? Lou?

Well, it's -- well, darcy,
it's very reasonably priced.

The, uh -- the, uh, spike
in the head

Is quite reasonably priced at,
uh -- at about $ , .

What?!
$ , .

What?!
$ , .

What?!
$ , .

Well, that's ridiculous.

Why would anyone pay $ ,
for that?

Well, they do.
Well, they do.
Well, I wouldn't.

Well, I assure you
that people do.

I assure you I wouldn't.

Well, let's open this up
to the studio audience.

Fine.
You!

What do you think
about this?

$ , ?!
What?

Oh, oh, uh, I --

I just came in to get out of the
rain, right?

Yeah, but what do you think
about paying $ , for this?

Oh, the hat thing?
All right, yeah.

Christian, is that, like,
just a regular household spike?

Well, it's --
it's very similar

To the sort of spike you might
find around the house.

Yes, i-i-it's similar, yeah.

So, it's not, like, couture?

So, I could, like,
get it myself, right?

No! No, no!

Well, I don't know why.

Just go down to the railway and
pick myself up a tie, right,

And bring it home
and fashion it in my woodshop.

Y-y-you could get a copy.

You could get a copy, darcy,

B-b-b-but you would know it was
a copy even if no one else knew.

Hmm?

Hey...don't I know you?

I don't think
that's very likely, no.

Didn't you take me
to a leafs game?

Mon dieu!
C'est toi!

You owe me fifty bucks,
you faux french f*g!

I'm gonna get it!

Hey, hey, hey!

Not on my show,
not on my -- hyah!
Ugh!

Well, that's all the, uh,
time we have for today.

Join me tomorrow when I'll be on
the road with the hell riders.

I would, uh, like to thank my
guest, christy renukalas.

Christian renoir!

Christian renah.
Christian renoir!

Christian renoh.

Christian renoir!

Thank you, good night.

♪ She makes all cities
feel real swell ♪

♪ Darcy, darcy ♪

♪ Darcy pennell ♪

♪ She makes your life
a lot less hell ♪

Darcy!

[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]