02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.
Let's get this one going.

Okay, okay.
Let's get this one going.
Now, remember.

Let's get this one going.
Now, remember.
When I put you on that stand,

Now, remember.
When I put you on that stand,
look in my eyes.

When I put you on that stand,
look in my eyes.
The jury.

Look in my eyes.
The jury.
The jury?

The jury.
The jury?
What's wrong?

The jury?
What's wrong?
It's made up entirely of my

What's wrong?
It's made up entirely of my
ex-girlfriends.

It's made up entirely of my
ex-girlfriends.
Uh-oh.

Ex-girlfriends.
Uh-oh.
When they were selected,

Uh-oh.
When they were selected,
didn't you think to ask, "were

When they were selected,
didn't you think to ask, "were
you ever f*cked over by the

Didn't you think to ask, "were
you ever f*cked over by the
accused?"

You ever f*cked over by the
accused?"
No. I never thought.

Accused?"
No. I never thought.
How could I know?

No. I never thought.
How could I know?
Well, you should have.

How could I know?
Well, you should have.
Okay. Enough chattering.

Well, you should have.
Okay. Enough chattering.
Let's go.

Okay. Enough chattering.
Let's go.
The plaintiff,

Let's go.
The plaintiff,
miss lesley peters, accuses the

The plaintiff,
miss lesley peters, accuses the
defendant, mr. Bruce mcculloch,

Miss lesley peters, accuses the
defendant, mr. Bruce mcculloch,
of being an assh*le.

Defendant, mr. Bruce mcculloch,
of being an assh*le.
On more than one occasion.

Of being an assh*le.
On more than one occasion.
How do you plead?

On more than one occasion.
How do you plead?
Guilty, your honor.

How do you plead?
Guilty, your honor.
But with various good

Guilty, your honor.
But with various good
excuses.

But with various good
excuses.
[ All shouting ]

Excuses.
[ All shouting ]
no. It's true.

[ All shouting ]
no. It's true.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Siren wailing ]
attention, owner, occupant,

[ Siren wailing ]
attention, owner, occupant,
or visitor at ossington.

Come out the front door with

Come out the front door with
your hands in front of you.

Come out the front door with
your hands in front of you.
You are surrounded.

Your hands in front of you.
You are surrounded.
[ g*nsh*t ]

You are surrounded.
[ g*nsh*t ]
[ helicopter passing ]

[ g*nsh*t ]
[ helicopter passing ]
so, what do you think a house

[ Helicopter passing ]
so, what do you think a house
like that is worth, anyway?

So, what do you think a house
like that is worth, anyway?
About, uh, $ , ?

Like that is worth, anyway?
About, uh, $ , ?
Jeez.

About, uh, $ , ?
Jeez.
I'd have to see inside.

Jeez.
I'd have to see inside.
All right.

I'd have to see inside.
All right.
Unit , we have a data

All right.
Unit , we have a data
update.

Unit , we have a data
update.
Go ahead, .

Update.
Go ahead, .
Your hunch was right.

Go ahead, .
Your hunch was right.
There are two bathrooms.

Your hunch was right.
There are two bathrooms.
Thanks.

There are two bathrooms.
Thanks.
Yeah. I'd have to say k.

Thanks.
Yeah. I'd have to say k.
Although a sh**t like this

Yeah. I'd have to say k.
Although a sh**t like this
will just make the property

Although a sh**t like this
will just make the property
value go right down.

Will just make the property
value go right down.
Tell you what.

Value go right down.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna run around back and

Tell you what.
I'm gonna run around back and
see how big the yard is.

I'm gonna run around back and
see how big the yard is.
Cover me.

See how big the yard is.
Cover me.
Gotcha.

Cover me.
Gotcha.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]
about six months ago on my

[ Laughter ]
about six months ago on my
birthday -- none of your

About six months ago on my
birthday -- none of your
business -- some of my straight

Birthday -- none of your
business -- some of my straight
friends took me to one of those

Business -- some of my straight
friends took me to one of those
places where chorus boys

Friends took me to one of those
places where chorus boys
lip-synch songs by famous ladies

Places where chorus boys
lip-synch songs by famous ladies
for tourists.

Lip-synch songs by famous ladies
for tourists.
The evening was a disaster from

For tourists.
The evening was a disaster from
the get-go.

The evening was a disaster from
the get-go.
We had the best table in the

The get-go.
We had the best table in the
house.

We had the best table in the
house.
The place was filled with men in

House.
The place was filled with men in
big steel suits and women in

The place was filled with men in
big steel suits and women in
jacqueline smith fashions from

Big steel suits and women in
jacqueline smith fashions from
kmart.

Jacqueline smith fashions from
kmart.
Very sexy.

Kmart.
Very sexy.
All of a sudden, the lights went

Very sexy.
All of a sudden, the lights went
down and a spot appeared center

All of a sudden, the lights went
down and a spot appeared center
stage.

Down and a spot appeared center
stage.
Showtime.

Stage.
Showtime.
And into the lights stepped

Showtime.
And into the lights stepped
miss peggy lee.

And into the lights stepped
miss peggy lee.
Or a reasonable facsimile

Miss peggy lee.
Or a reasonable facsimile
thereof.

Or a reasonable facsimile
thereof.
She began to sing directly to

Thereof.
She began to sing directly to
me.

She began to sing directly to
me.
I was disgusted, of course.

Me.
I was disgusted, of course.
But I didn't want to let on, as

I was disgusted, of course.
But I didn't want to let on, as
an angry drag queen is scarier

But I didn't want to let on, as
an angry drag queen is scarier
than a minotaur.

An angry drag queen is scarier
than a minotaur.
So I smiled at her.

Than a minotaur.
So I smiled at her.
But without using my eyes.

So I smiled at her.
But without using my eyes.
Like this.

But without using my eyes.
Like this.
[ Laughter and applause ]

Like this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
that's when the acid kicked in.

[ Laughter and applause ]
that's when the acid kicked in.
The next thing I remember was

That's when the acid kicked in.
The next thing I remember was
flying at the queen, screaming,

The next thing I remember was
flying at the queen, screaming,
"you're not really singing!

Flying at the queen, screaming,
"you're not really singing!
Who cares?"

"You're not really singing!
Who cares?"
A scuffle ensued.

Who cares?"
A scuffle ensued.
And in the melee, the knitting

A scuffle ensued.
And in the melee, the knitting
needles in her hairdo pierced

And in the melee, the knitting
needles in her hairdo pierced
her skull, and she was k*lled

Needles in her hairdo pierced
her skull, and she was k*lled
instantly.

Her skull, and she was k*lled
instantly.
But it didn't seem to affect her

Instantly.
But it didn't seem to affect her
act one bit.

But it didn't seem to affect her
act one bit.
Oh, no.

Act one bit.
Oh, no.
Miss peggy lee kept right on

Oh, no.
Miss peggy lee kept right on
singing.

Miss peggy lee kept right on
singing.
My trial was a zoo.

Singing.
My trial was a zoo.
Nude photos. Ex-lovers.

My trial was a zoo.
Nude photos. Ex-lovers.
A mystery witness in a hood.

Nude photos. Ex-lovers.
A mystery witness in a hood.
Huge press.

A mystery witness in a hood.
Huge press.
But the judge was a closet case

Huge press.
But the judge was a closet case
and resented my openness.

But the judge was a closet case
and resented my openness.
He gave me years.

And resented my openness.
He gave me years.
Why, I'll be almost when I

He gave me years.
Why, I'll be almost when I
get out.

Why, I'll be almost when I
get out.
My appeal's coming up, and it

Get out.
My appeal's coming up, and it
seems hopeless.

My appeal's coming up, and it
seems hopeless.
But I don't have to pay rent.

Seems hopeless.
But I don't have to pay rent.
I'm in love.

But I don't have to pay rent.
I'm in love.
Life is good.

I'm in love.
Life is good.
Oh, that.

Life is good.
Oh, that.
Its name is leon.

Oh, that.
Its name is leon.
I fell in love with him from his

Its name is leon.
I fell in love with him from his
very first words to me.

I fell in love with him from his
very first words to me.
"You might as well.

Very first words to me.
"You might as well.
You got no choice."

"You might as well.
You got no choice."
[ Laughter and applause ]

You got no choice."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ sighs ]

[ Laughter and applause ]
[ sighs ]
our relationship is based a lot

[ Sighs ]
our relationship is based a lot
on fantasy.

Our relationship is based a lot
on fantasy.
I pretend that he r*pes me, and

On fantasy.
I pretend that he r*pes me, and
he r*pes me.

I pretend that he r*pes me, and
he r*pes me.
Sometimes I think I'm dreaming.

He r*pes me.
Sometimes I think I'm dreaming.
It's not his fault that he's

Sometimes I think I'm dreaming.
It's not his fault that he's
mean.

It's not his fault that he's
mean.
He had a bad childhood.

Mean.
He had a bad childhood.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.

He had a bad childhood.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
"Didn't we all?"

Oh, I know what you're thinking.
"Didn't we all?"
Yes.

"Didn't we all?"
Yes.
But his was in the papers.

Yes.
But his was in the papers.
But we have a lot in common.

But his was in the papers.
But we have a lot in common.
We've both k*lled.

But we have a lot in common.
We've both k*lled.
And we love to sing in the

We've both k*lled.
And we love to sing in the
choir.

And we love to sing in the
choir.
Oh, we make a great team, leon

Choir.
Oh, we make a great team, leon
and i.

Oh, we make a great team, leon
and i.
Like bogey and bacall.

And i.
Like bogey and bacall.
Siegfried and roy.

Like bogey and bacall.
Siegfried and roy.
Hercules and newt.

Siegfried and roy.
Hercules and newt.
[ Laughter ]

Hercules and newt.
[ Laughter ]
people always ask me, "buddy,

[ Laughter ]
people always ask me, "buddy,
what does it feel like to k*ll

People always ask me, "buddy,
what does it feel like to k*ll
someone?"

What does it feel like to k*ll
someone?"
Well, the only thing I could

Someone?"
Well, the only thing I could
possibly compare it to is

Well, the only thing I could
possibly compare it to is
winning an oscar.

Possibly compare it to is
winning an oscar.
[ Siren blares ]

Winning an oscar.
[ Siren blares ]
oh. Riot.

[ Siren blares ]
oh. Riot.
Happens every thursday.

Oh. Riot.
Happens every thursday.
Back in .

Happens every thursday.
Back in .
[ Men shouting ]

Back in .
[ Men shouting ]
leon, put down that stick.

[ Men shouting ]
leon, put down that stick.
That's james brown you're

Leon, put down that stick.
That's james brown you're
threatening.

That's james brown you're
threatening.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Ahh!

Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!
Good afternoon, pricks.

Ahh! Ahh!
Good afternoon, pricks.
I'm jerry sizzler.

Good afternoon, pricks.
I'm jerry sizzler.
This is my sister.

I'm jerry sizzler.
This is my sister.
Jerry sizzler.

This is my sister.
Jerry sizzler.
We are, of course, two armed and

Jerry sizzler.
We are, of course, two armed and
dangerous sisters and not two

We are, of course, two armed and
dangerous sisters and not two
clearly insane people.

Dangerous sisters and not two
clearly insane people.
That's right.

Clearly insane people.
That's right.
Now, hands up.

That's right.
Now, hands up.
You'd better do it, pricks.

Now, hands up.
You'd better do it, pricks.
We have a g*n.

You'd better do it, pricks.
We have a g*n.
I'm not afraid to use this.

We have a g*n.
I'm not afraid to use this.
Put your hands up. Up! Up!

I'm not afraid to use this.
Put your hands up. Up! Up!
If you could do me a-a

Put your hands up. Up! Up!
If you could do me a-a
personal favor and pretend that

If you could do me a-a
personal favor and pretend that
he has a real g*n.

Personal favor and pretend that
he has a real g*n.
And if you could manage it to

He has a real g*n.
And if you could manage it to
look a little bit frightened --

And if you could manage it to
look a little bit frightened --
ah! Ah! Excellent!

Look a little bit frightened --
ah! Ah! Excellent!
Quite excellent. Thank you.

Ah! Ah! Excellent!
Quite excellent. Thank you.
I said hands up, pricks!

Quite excellent. Thank you.
I said hands up, pricks!
Ah. Yes.

I said hands up, pricks!
Ah. Yes.
And take your shoes off.

Ah. Yes.
And take your shoes off.
Take of your shoes.

And take your shoes off.
Take of your shoes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Take of your shoes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Now -- now pass them about.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
Now -- now pass them about.
Mix them up.

Now -- now pass them about.
Mix them up.
Mix up the shoes.

Mix them up.
Mix up the shoes.
Mix up the shoes.

Mix up the shoes.
Mix up the shoes.
Mix them up. Mix them up.

Mix up the shoes.
Mix them up. Mix them up.
Jerry. Jerry!

Mix them up. Mix them up.
Jerry. Jerry!
Jerry!

Jerry. Jerry!
Jerry!
Stop!

Jerry!
Stop!
All right. You.

Stop!
All right. You.
You fall in love with her.

All right. You.
You fall in love with her.
[ Sweeping music plays ]

Ah.

Ah.
Isn't that sweet?

Ah.
Isn't that sweet?
Yes. Yes, jerry.

Isn't that sweet?
Yes. Yes, jerry.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes, jerry.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Now to business.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
Now to business.
Where is the manager?

Now to business.
Where is the manager?
I'm the manager.

Where is the manager?
I'm the manager.
All right.

I'm the manager.
All right.
How much money do you want?

All right.
How much money do you want?
We don't want any money, dear

How much money do you want?
We don't want any money, dear
boy.

We don't want any money, dear
boy.
We want to deposit $ .

Boy.
We want to deposit $ .
And we want to do it now!

We want to deposit $ .
And we want to do it now!
We'd like to put $ into our

And we want to do it now!
We'd like to put $ into our
checking account and $ into

We'd like to put $ into our
checking account and $ into
our personal savings.

Checking account and $ into
our personal savings.
There. Done.

Our personal savings.
There. Done.
Ah. Thank you.

There. Done.
Ah. Thank you.
Wait a minute, funny boy.

Ah. Thank you.
Wait a minute, funny boy.
We never endorsed that check!

Wait a minute, funny boy.
We never endorsed that check!
Very clever, jerry.

We never endorsed that check!
Very clever, jerry.
[ Siren wailing ]

Very clever, jerry.
[ Siren wailing ]
jerry! Coppers!

[ Siren wailing ]
jerry! Coppers!
No, jerry.

Jerry! Coppers!
No, jerry.
That sounds like the police.

No, jerry.
That sounds like the police.
[ Gasps ] that's even worse.

That sounds like the police.
[ Gasps ] that's even worse.
Let's go, jerry!

[ Gasps ] that's even worse.
Let's go, jerry!
Ahh!

Let's go, jerry!
Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!
[ Sirens wailing ]

Ahh! Ahh!
[ Sirens wailing ]
jerry!

[ Sirens wailing ]
jerry!
Yes, jerry?

Jerry!
Yes, jerry?
You've been shot, jerry.

Yes, jerry?
You've been shot, jerry.
My god, jerry. You're right.

You've been shot, jerry.
My god, jerry. You're right.
What's happening to this city,

My god, jerry. You're right.
What's happening to this city,
jerry?

What's happening to this city,
jerry?
It's a madhouse, jerry.

Jerry?
It's a madhouse, jerry.
A madhouse, jerry!

It's a madhouse, jerry.
A madhouse, jerry!
A madhouse.

A madhouse, jerry!
A madhouse.
It's a madhouse, jerry!

A madhouse.
It's a madhouse, jerry!
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

Calling all units.

Calling all units.
In progress.

Calling all units.
In progress.
Robbery in progress.

In progress.
Robbery in progress.
Medina and wellington.

Robbery in progress.
Medina and wellington.
Car responds.

Medina and wellington.
Car responds.
Let's move out.

Car responds.
Let's move out.
[ Siren wails, stops ]

Let's move out.
[ Siren wails, stops ]
wait.

[ Siren wails, stops ]
wait.
It's a nice day.

Wait.
It's a nice day.
It's only a couple blocks away.

It's a nice day.
It's only a couple blocks away.
You want to walk?

It's only a couple blocks away.
You want to walk?
Yeah.

You want to walk?
Yeah.
Let's move out.

Yeah.
Let's move out.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Buzzer sounds ]

[ Buzzer sounds ]
coo! No one home!

[ Buzzer sounds ]
coo! No one home!
[ Buzzer sounds ]

Coo! No one home!
[ Buzzer sounds ]
who is it?

[ Buzzer sounds ]
who is it?
It's me -- max davis.

Who is it?
It's me -- max davis.
I answered your ad in the

It's me -- max davis.
I answered your ad in the
personals.

I answered your ad in the
personals.
We have a date tonight.

Personals.
We have a date tonight.
Oh, yeah? Are you my date?

We have a date tonight.
Oh, yeah? Are you my date?
Yes, I am.

Oh, yeah? Are you my date?
Yes, I am.
[ Both moan ]

Yes, I am.
[ Both moan ]
[ laughter ]

[ Both moan ]
[ laughter ]
I bet your mother gave you a

[ Laughter ]
I bet your mother gave you a
name.

I bet your mother gave you a
name.
What is it?

Name.
What is it?
Uh, I said it was max.

What is it?
Uh, I said it was max.
Oh, yeah?

Uh, I said it was max.
Oh, yeah?
Come on in, max.

Oh, yeah?
Come on in, max.
No.

Come on in, max.
No.
Want -- you want to eat

No.
Want -- you want to eat
dinner out here?

Want -- you want to eat
dinner out here?
I did last night.

Dinner out here?
I did last night.
So, you're, uh, not from

I did last night.
So, you're, uh, not from
toronto?

So, you're, uh, not from
toronto?
No. Just north of it.

Toronto?
No. Just north of it.
Come on in.

No. Just north of it.
Come on in.
[ Grunts ]

Come on in.
[ Grunts ]
well...

[ Grunts ]
well...
What are you?

Well...
What are you?
God. You're not too bright.

What are you?
God. You're not too bright.
I'm a chicken lady.

God. You're not too bright.
I'm a chicken lady.
A chicken lady.

I'm a chicken lady.
A chicken lady.
Yep. And I love life.

A chicken lady.
Yep. And I love life.
Do you love life?

Yep. And I love life.
Do you love life?
Oh, yeah.

Do you love life?
Oh, yeah.
I thought you might.

Oh, yeah.
I thought you might.
Because I put that in my

I thought you might.
Because I put that in my
personal ad.

Because I put that in my
personal ad.
Chicken lady loves life.

Personal ad.
Chicken lady loves life.
Gee, I never took that

Chicken lady loves life.
Gee, I never took that
literally.

Gee, I never took that
literally.
No?

Literally.
No?
Never really took

No?
Never really took
"c-chicken lady" literally.

Never really took
"c-chicken lady" literally.
Oh.

"C-chicken lady" literally.
Oh.
You're not too bright.

Oh.
You're not too bright.
No.

You're not too bright.
No.
Just the way I like 'em.

No.
Just the way I like 'em.
See? That's my mom.

Just the way I like 'em.
See? That's my mom.
[ Laughter ]

See? That's my mom.
[ Laughter ]
and that's my dada.

[ Laughter ]
and that's my dada.
He left town the day I was born.

And that's my dada.
He left town the day I was born.
They say he ain't never comin'

He left town the day I was born.
They say he ain't never comin'
back.

They say he ain't never comin'
back.
Papa was a rolling stone,

Back.
Papa was a rolling stone,
huh?

Papa was a rolling stone,
huh?
Let's get a look at you.

Huh?
Let's get a look at you.
God. You're different.

Let's get a look at you.
God. You're different.
Oh?

God. You're different.
Oh?
Yeah.

Oh?
Yeah.
All the other guys are usually a

Yeah.
All the other guys are usually a
lot bigger.

All the other guys are usually a
lot bigger.
But I got tired of paying for

Lot bigger.
But I got tired of paying for
it.

But I got tired of paying for
it.
Darn near couldn't make my rent

It.
Darn near couldn't make my rent
this month.

Darn near couldn't make my rent
this month.
I guess it adds up.

This month.
I guess it adds up.
'Cause it adds up. Yeah.

I guess it adds up.
'Cause it adds up. Yeah.
Yeah. It adds up.

'Cause it adds up. Yeah.
Yeah. It adds up.
So, do you like the place?

Yeah. It adds up.
So, do you like the place?
Oh, yeah. Sure.

So, do you like the place?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
It's really nice.

Oh, yeah. Sure.
It's really nice.
I can't stay.

It's really nice.
I can't stay.
Sure, you can!

I can't stay.
Sure, you can!
Have a seat.

Sure, you can!
Have a seat.
So, what is it you do?

Have a seat.
So, what is it you do?
I'm a banker.

So, what is it you do?
I'm a banker.
God. You must be thirsty.

I'm a banker.
God. You must be thirsty.
Can I get you a beer?

God. You must be thirsty.
Can I get you a beer?
Would you like to just drink out

Can I get you a beer?
Would you like to just drink out
of the toilet?

Would you like to just drink out
of the toilet?
A beer.

Of the toilet?
A beer.
Okay. Suit yourself.

A beer.
Okay. Suit yourself.
[ Laughter and applause ]

Hey, would you like to sign my

Hey, would you like to sign my
yearbook?

Hey, would you like to sign my
yearbook?
Oh, no, thank you.

Yearbook?
Oh, no, thank you.
High school was hell for me.

Oh, no, thank you.
High school was hell for me.
Oh, really?

High school was hell for me.
Oh, really?
All the other kids teased me.

Oh, really?
All the other kids teased me.
Wow. Imagine that.

All the other kids teased me.
Wow. Imagine that.
If you want to stay in my

Wow. Imagine that.
If you want to stay in my
good books, don't call me a

If you want to stay in my
good books, don't call me a
birdbrain.

Good books, don't call me a
birdbrain.
If you want to stay in my good

Birdbrain.
If you want to stay in my good
books, which you do.

If you want to stay in my good
books, which you do.
[ Laughs softly ]

Books, which you do.
[ Laughs softly ]
gravel and grubs, gravel and

Gravel and grubs, gravel and
grubs.
I love to eat my gravel and

Grubs.
I love to eat my gravel and
grubs.

I love to eat my gravel and
grubs.
[ Laughter ]

Grubs.
[ Laughter ]
ahh.

[ Laughter ]
ahh.
[ Audience groans ]

Ahh.
[ Audience groans ]
oh, I made you an omelet on

[ Audience groans ]
oh, I made you an omelet on
account of I figured you might

Oh, I made you an omelet on
account of I figured you might
not like bugs.

Account of I figured you might
not like bugs.
Oh, thank you.

Not like bugs.
Oh, thank you.
Go ahead.

Oh, thank you.
Go ahead.
Tuck in.

Go ahead.
Tuck in.
Oh. Good.

Tuck in.
Oh. Good.
Course it's good.

Oh. Good.
Course it's good.
'Cause they're fresh.

Course it's good.
'Cause they're fresh.
Straight out of my body and onto

'Cause they're fresh.
Straight out of my body and onto
your plate.

Straight out of my body and onto
your plate.
[ Laughter ]

[ Both screaming ]

[ Both screaming ]
oh, my god!

[ Both screaming ]
oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Wait. Don't go.

Oh, my god!
Wait. Don't go.
I -- oh, darn.

Wait. Don't go.
I -- oh, darn.
Oh, hi, susan.

I -- oh, darn.
Oh, hi, susan.
Oh, say, that's a nice hunk you

Oh, hi, susan.
Oh, say, that's a nice hunk you
got there.

Oh, say, that's a nice hunk you
got there.
Mine ran away.

Got there.
Mine ran away.
[ Both moan ]

Mine ran away.
[ Both moan ]
I know what you're gonna do

[ Both moan ]
I know what you're gonna do
in there.

I know what you're gonna do
in there.
Got to get laid.

In there.
Got to get laid.
Got to get laid.

Got to get laid.
Got to get laid.
[ Laughter ]

Got to get laid.
[ Laughter ]
oh, great. Bucks.

[ Laughter ]
oh, great. Bucks.
Hello? Stud line?

Oh, great. Bucks.
Hello? Stud line?
Is gunther working tonight?

Hello? Stud line?
Is gunther working tonight?
Oh, good. I like him a lot.

Is gunther working tonight?
Oh, good. I like him a lot.
Send him up.

Oh, good. I like him a lot.
Send him up.
Yep. Same address.

Send him up.
Yep. Same address.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, I've seen that guy

Hey, I've seen that guy
before.

Hey, I've seen that guy
before.
Hey, you.

Before.
Hey, you.
You're in that, uh, comedy show.

Hey, you.
You're in that, uh, comedy show.
Uh, "the boys in the band."

You're in that, uh, comedy show.
Uh, "the boys in the band."
"Kids in the hall."

Uh, "the boys in the band."
"Kids in the hall."
Yes, I am.

"Kids in the hall."
Yes, I am.
I like that show.

Yes, I am.
I like that show.
Really?

I like that show.
Really?
It makes me laugh.

Really?
It makes me laugh.
Thank you very much.

It makes me laugh.
Thank you very much.
It's really interesting where we

Thank you very much.
It's really interesting where we
get our ideas.

It's really interesting where we
get our ideas.
Hey, would you like to buy

Get our ideas.
Hey, would you like to buy
some hash?

Hey, would you like to buy
some hash?
No.

Some hash?
No.
No, I wouldn't like to buy any

No.
No, I wouldn't like to buy any
hash.

No, I wouldn't like to buy any
hash.
Okay, man.

Hash.
Okay, man.
Just askin'.

Okay, man.
Just askin'.
Well, then, goodbye.

Just askin'.
Well, then, goodbye.
Officer, we have some hash

Well, then, goodbye.
Officer, we have some hash
dealers in the neighborhood.

Officer, we have some hash
dealers in the neighborhood.
Could you take care of it,

Dealers in the neighborhood.
Could you take care of it,
please?

Could you take care of it,
please?
Let's go.

Please?
Let's go.
[ Tires screech ]

Let's go.
[ Tires screech ]
all right.

[ Tires screech ]
all right.
Thanks, mr. Mcdonald.

All right.
Thanks, mr. Mcdonald.
No problem, officer.

Thanks, mr. Mcdonald.
No problem, officer.
Hi.

No problem, officer.
Hi.
I'm kevin mcdonald of

Hi.
I'm kevin mcdonald of
"the kids in the hall,"

I'm kevin mcdonald of
"the kids in the hall,"
reminding all you kids out there

"The kids in the hall,"
reminding all you kids out there
that thinking is good, dr*gs are

Reminding all you kids out there
that thinking is good, dr*gs are
bad.

That thinking is good, dr*gs are
bad.
You know, when I first read the

Bad.
You know, when I first read the
novel " ," I actually agreed

You know, when I first read the
novel " ," I actually agreed
with several of big brother's

Novel " ," I actually agreed
with several of big brother's
theories and thought that he got

With several of big brother's
theories and thought that he got
a bum rap.

Theories and thought that he got
a bum rap.
If that means calling the cops

A bum rap.
If that means calling the cops
on your parents after they have

If that means calling the cops
on your parents after they have
a pot party, so be it.

On your parents after they have
a pot party, so be it.
I've done that, and I think I'm

A pot party, so be it.
I've done that, and I think I'm
the better for it.

I've done that, and I think I'm
the better for it.
So from now on, watch our show,

The better for it.
So from now on, watch our show,
laugh a little, and say no to

So from now on, watch our show,
laugh a little, and say no to
mr. Hash dealer.

Laugh a little, and say no to
mr. Hash dealer.
Sure, officer.

Mr. Hash dealer.
Sure, officer.
Sure. [ Laughs ]

Sure, officer.
Sure. [ Laughs ]
I saw the cops coming from a

Sure. [ Laughs ]
I saw the cops coming from a
mile away, so I planted the

I saw the cops coming from a
mile away, so I planted the
stuff on the comedian.

Mile away, so I planted the
stuff on the comedian.
[ Laughs ]

Stuff on the comedian.
[ Laughs ]
hi, officers.

[ Laughs ]
hi, officers.
How did it go?

Hi, officers.
How did it go?
I know. You want an autograph.

How did it go?
I know. You want an autograph.
Everybody wants an autograph.

I know. You want an autograph.
Everybody wants an autograph.
Is there something wrong?

Everybody wants an autograph.
Is there something wrong?
Look, I can't smoke hash.

Is there something wrong?
Look, I can't smoke hash.
I'm an asthmatic.

Look, I can't smoke hash.
I'm an asthmatic.
You want an asthmatic wheezing

I'm an asthmatic.
You want an asthmatic wheezing
in your prison.

You want an asthmatic wheezing
in your prison.
Is that what you want? Is --

In your prison.
Is that what you want? Is --
yes, it's hash.

Is that what you want? Is --
yes, it's hash.
It's not my hash.

Yes, it's hash.
It's not my hash.
I have a tv show.

It's not my hash.
I have a tv show.
Are you aware of my tv show?

I have a tv show.
Are you aware of my tv show?
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Siren wailing ]
uh, sarge couldn't come.

[ Siren wailing ]
uh, sarge couldn't come.
He said you could give your

Uh, sarge couldn't come.
He said you could give your
report to me.

Okay.

Okay.
Uh, well, I first noticed the,

Okay.
Uh, well, I first noticed the,
uh, gentleman, uh, down on the

Uh, well, I first noticed the,
uh, gentleman, uh, down on the
boardwalk here.

Uh, gentleman, uh, down on the
boardwalk here.
He was, uh, harassing passersby.

Boardwalk here.
He was, uh, harassing passersby.
Uh, when I approached him to

He was, uh, harassing passersby.
Uh, when I approached him to
question him, uh, he struck me

Uh, when I approached him to
question him, uh, he struck me
as disoriented and, uh,

Question him, uh, he struck me
as disoriented and, uh,
confused.

As disoriented and, uh,
confused.
Um, I asked him to produce i.d.

Confused.
Um, I asked him to produce i.d.
He would not do so, and he

Um, I asked him to produce i.d.
He would not do so, and he
became abusive towards the, uh,

He would not do so, and he
became abusive towards the, uh,
badge.

Became abusive towards the, uh,
badge.
So i, uh, placed him under

Badge.
So i, uh, placed him under
arrest.

So i, uh, placed him under
arrest.
And that's when you locked

Arrest.
And that's when you locked
your keys in the car?

And that's when you locked
your keys in the car?
Yeah.

Your keys in the car?
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]

Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
is this the gentleman here?

[ Laughter ]
is this the gentleman here?
Yeah. That's him.

Is this the gentleman here?
Yeah. That's him.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Honey, did you change the

Honey, did you change the
sheets?

Honey, did you change the
sheets?
Are these clean sheets?

Sheets?
Are these clean sheets?
Honey?

Are these clean sheets?
Honey?
Sweetie, can you hear me?

Honey?
Sweetie, can you hear me?
Yes, yes.

Sweetie, can you hear me?
Yes, yes.
Boy, I love clean sheets.

Yes, yes.
Boy, I love clean sheets.
This has got to be one of life's

Boy, I love clean sheets.
This has got to be one of life's
greatest moments.

This has got to be one of life's
greatest moments.
Don't you think, honey?

Greatest moments.
Don't you think, honey?
I can't think of anything else

Don't you think, honey?
I can't think of anything else
better.

I can't think of anything else
better.
Nothing else even comes close.

Better.
Nothing else even comes close.
Actually, drinking a mug of cold

Nothing else even comes close.
Actually, drinking a mug of cold
beer is pretty nice.

Actually, drinking a mug of cold
beer is pretty nice.
Yep.

Beer is pretty nice.
Yep.
Clean sheets.

Yep.
Clean sheets.
A mug of frosty brew on a hot

Clean sheets.
A mug of frosty brew on a hot
day.

A mug of frosty brew on a hot
day.
These have got to be life's

Day.
These have got to be life's
greatest moments.

These have got to be life's
greatest moments.
Of course, a big dump is pretty

Greatest moments.
Of course, a big dump is pretty
good.

Of course, a big dump is pretty
good.
Nothing beats a long dump in the

Good.
Nothing beats a long dump in the
morning just before you go to

Nothing beats a long dump in the
morning just before you go to
work.

Morning just before you go to
work.
Yep, the -minute dump in the

Work.
Yep, the -minute dump in the
morning is a slice of heaven.

Yep, the -minute dump in the
morning is a slice of heaven.
Gives you time to collect your

Morning is a slice of heaven.
Gives you time to collect your
thoughts.

Gives you time to collect your
thoughts.
Don't you think, honey?

Thoughts.
Don't you think, honey?
I can't think of anything else

Don't you think, honey?
I can't think of anything else
better.

I can't think of anything else
better.
Except for maybe sh**ting a man

Better.
Except for maybe sh**ting a man
in self-defense.

Except for maybe sh**ting a man
in self-defense.
And it was self-defense.

In self-defense.
And it was self-defense.
Right, honey?

And it was self-defense.
Right, honey?
You saw it all, and that is your

Right, honey?
You saw it all, and that is your
story in court tomorrow?

You saw it all, and that is your
story in court tomorrow?
Right, honey? Sweetie?

Story in court tomorrow?
Right, honey? Sweetie?
Yeah, yeah.

Right, honey? Sweetie?
Yeah, yeah.
Ah.

Yeah, yeah.
Ah.
Clean sheets and a rock-hard

Ah.
Clean sheets and a rock-hard
alibi.

Clean sheets and a rock-hard
alibi.
Nothing makes me happier.

Alibi.
Nothing makes me happier.
[ Cheers and applause ]

The charge is m*rder.

The charge is m*rder.
How does the defense plead?

The charge is m*rder.
How does the defense plead?
Your honor, the defense would

How does the defense plead?
Your honor, the defense would
like to plead not guilty.

Your honor, the defense would
like to plead not guilty.
Fine.

Like to plead not guilty.
Fine.
Then the courts finds in favor

Fine.
Then the courts finds in favor
of the defense.

Then the courts finds in favor
of the defense.
Your client is free to go.

Of the defense.
Your client is free to go.
What?

Your client is free to go.
What?
Yes!

What?
Yes!
Yes! Yes!

Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Honey, we didn't need the alibi!

Yes! Yes!
Honey, we didn't need the alibi!
Oh, just a sec.

Honey, we didn't need the alibi!
Oh, just a sec.
My m*rder w*apon.

Oh, just a sec.
My m*rder w*apon.
Where's the men's room?

My m*rder w*apon.
Where's the men's room?
Your honor, may I approach

Where's the men's room?
Your honor, may I approach
the bench, please?

Your honor, may I approach
the bench, please?
Yes, you may.

The bench, please?
Yes, you may.
Your honor, did it ever occur

Yes, you may.
Your honor, did it ever occur
to you that the defendant might

Your honor, did it ever occur
to you that the defendant might
have been lying?

To you that the defendant might
have been lying?
Well, mr. District attorney,

Have been lying?
Well, mr. District attorney,
no.

Well, mr. District attorney,
no.
No, that never occurred to me.

No.
No, that never occurred to me.
But we have seven

No, that never occurred to me.
But we have seven
eyewitnesses.

But we have seven
eyewitnesses.
His prints were all over the

Eyewitnesses.
His prints were all over the
m*rder w*apon.

His prints were all over the
m*rder w*apon.
His shirt was soaked with the

m*rder w*apon.
His shirt was soaked with the
victim's blood.

His shirt was soaked with the
victim's blood.
Well, maybe I'm just not as

Victim's blood.
Well, maybe I'm just not as
cynical as you are.

Well, maybe I'm just not as
cynical as you are.
If that young man says he's not

Cynical as you are.
If that young man says he's not
guilty, I'm afraid that's good

If that young man says he's not
guilty, I'm afraid that's good
enough for me.

Guilty, I'm afraid that's good
enough for me.
Now, we have a very busy

Enough for me.
Now, we have a very busy
schedule.

Now, we have a very busy
schedule.
I suggest we move along.

Schedule.
I suggest we move along.
Call the next case, please.

I suggest we move along.
Call the next case, please.
The court calls

Call the next case, please.
The court calls
buddy "the k*ller" cole.

The court calls
buddy "the k*ller" cole.
[ Laughter and applause ]

Buddy "the k*ller" cole.
[ Laughter and applause ]
mr. k*ller, this is your

[ Laughter and applause ]
mr. k*ller, this is your
appeal hearing.

Mr. k*ller, this is your
appeal hearing.
How does the defense plead?

Appeal hearing.
How does the defense plead?
S-sir, the, uh, defense is

How does the defense plead?
S-sir, the, uh, defense is
prepared to plead guilty to a

S-sir, the, uh, defense is
prepared to plead guilty to a
lesser charge of -- ooh.

Prepared to plead guilty to a
lesser charge of -- ooh.
Innocent, your honor.

Lesser charge of -- ooh.
Innocent, your honor.
Fine. Case dismissed.

Innocent, your honor.
Fine. Case dismissed.
You're free to go.

Fine. Case dismissed.
You're free to go.
Oh, and by the way, I'm a great

You're free to go.
Oh, and by the way, I'm a great
fan of your monologues.

Oh, and by the way, I'm a great
fan of your monologues.
Thanks.

Fan of your monologues.
Thanks.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thanks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
let's see if we can't save a

[ Cheers and applause ]
let's see if we can't save a
little bit of time here.

Let's see if we can't save a
little bit of time here.
Is there anyone in this court

Little bit of time here.
Is there anyone in this court
who is guilty?

Is there anyone in this court
who is guilty?
Well, of course --

Who is guilty?
Well, of course --
no. We're -- we're innocent.

Well, of course --
no. We're -- we're innocent.
All these cases --

All these cases --
fine.
Everyone is found not guilty.

Fine.
Everyone is found not guilty.
Everyone is free to go.

Everyone is found not guilty.
Everyone is free to go.
Yeah!

Everyone is free to go.
Yeah!
Mr. District attorney, would

Yeah!
Mr. District attorney, would
you please approach the bench?

Mr. District attorney, would
you please approach the bench?
Tell me.

You please approach the bench?
Tell me.
Did you even bother to ask any

Tell me.
Did you even bother to ask any
of these people if they were

Did you even bother to ask any
of these people if they were
guilty?

Of these people if they were
guilty?
Well, of course.

Guilty?
Well, of course.
And?

Well, of course.
And?
They said they were innocent.

And?
They said they were innocent.
Mr. District attorney, it has

They said they were innocent.
Mr. District attorney, it has
never been the practice of this

Mr. District attorney, it has
never been the practice of this
court to put innocent people in

Never been the practice of this
court to put innocent people in
jail just to further my own

Court to put innocent people in
jail just to further my own
career.

Jail just to further my own
career.
May I suggest,

Career.
May I suggest,
mr. District attorney, that this

May I suggest,
mr. District attorney, that this
is the wrong line of work for a

Mr. District attorney, that this
is the wrong line of work for a
man like you.

Is the wrong line of work for a
man like you.
After all, just because your

Man like you.
After all, just because your
name is mr. District attorney

After all, just because your
name is mr. District attorney
does not mean this is the only

Name is mr. District attorney
does not mean this is the only
job you can hold.

Does not mean this is the only
job you can hold.
My name isn't

Job you can hold.
My name isn't
mr. District attorney.

My name isn't
mr. District attorney.
People just call me that because

Mr. District attorney.
People just call me that because
I'm the district attorney.

People just call me that because
I'm the district attorney.
Well, fine.

I'm the district attorney.
Well, fine.
It should be very easy for you

Well, fine.
It should be very easy for you
to put this little career

It should be very easy for you
to put this little career
mistake behind you.

To put this little career
mistake behind you.
This court is now adjourned.

Mistake behind you.
This court is now adjourned.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in

This court is now adjourned.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in
chambers drawing amusing

If anyone needs me, I'll be in
chambers drawing amusing
caricatures of prominent

Chambers drawing amusing
caricatures of prominent
political figures.

Caricatures of prominent
political figures.
And stop kicking the bench, you

Political figures.
And stop kicking the bench, you
big baby.

And stop kicking the bench, you
big baby.
Well, people have been known

Big baby.
Well, people have been known
to lie.

Well, people have been known
to lie.
It's not a part of human nature

To lie.
It's not a part of human nature
that I'm particularly proud of.

It's not a part of human nature
that I'm particularly proud of.
People lie.

That I'm particularly proud of.
People lie.
And I think your monologues are

People lie.
And I think your monologues are
a little long.

And I think your monologues are
a little long.
[ Cheers and applause ]