[ Off-key ] ♪ I don't know
[ Off-key ] ♪ I don't know
how to play the piano ♪
[ Off-key ] ♪ I don't know
how to play the piano ♪
♪ I never took the time to
How to play the piano ♪
♪ I never took the time to
learn ♪
♪ I never took the time to
learn ♪
♪ songwriting's not my forte ♪
Learn ♪
♪ songwriting's not my forte ♪
♪ and rhyming's harder than
♪ Songwriting's not my forte ♪
♪ and rhyming's harder than
it sounds, say ♪
♪ And rhyming's harder than
it sounds, say ♪
[ low notes playing ]
It sounds, say ♪
[ low notes playing ]
♪ I can't believe they're
[ Low notes playing ]
♪ I can't believe they're
letting me sing here ♪
♪ I can't believe they're
letting me sing here ♪
[ high notes tinkling ]
Letting me sing here ♪
[ high notes tinkling ]
♪ in me no musical talent can be
[ High notes tinkling ]
♪ in me no musical talent can be
found ♪
♪ In me no musical talent can be
found ♪
[ middle notes tinkling ]
Found ♪
[ middle notes tinkling ]
♪ I look pretty awful in this
[ Middle notes tinkling ]
♪ I look pretty awful in this
gown, dear ♪
♪ I look pretty awful in this
gown, dear ♪
♪ and my legs aren't
Gown, dear ♪
♪ and my legs aren't
structurally sound ♪
♪ And my legs aren't
structurally sound ♪
[ playing off-key ]
Structurally sound ♪
[ playing off-key ]
requests?
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong!
It's my opinion!
Wrong!
It's my opinion!
It's not your opinion!
It's my opinion!
It's not your opinion!
It's not your opinion!
It's not your opinion!
It's not your opinion!
It's mine!
It's not your opinion!
It's mine!
Hey!
It's mine!
Hey!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Swing him, swing him!
Swing him, swing him!
Ah!
Swing him, swing him!
Ah!
Wait, wait!
Ah!
Wait, wait!
Do you know what your problem
Wait, wait!
Do you know what your problem
is?
Do you know what your problem
is?
You guys don't listen.
Is?
You guys don't listen.
Ah, let me just say something
You guys don't listen.
Ah, let me just say something
here about my opinion!
Oh, my!
Oh, my!
Degrees in tampa bay!
Oh, my!
Degrees in tampa bay!
Jeez!
Degrees in tampa bay!
Jeez!
Oh, hi.
Jeez!
Oh, hi.
Hi, gordon.
Oh, hi.
Hi, gordon.
You know what?
Hi, gordon.
You know what?
It's degrees in tampa.
You know what?
It's degrees in tampa.
I got a little news as well.
It's degrees in tampa.
I got a little news as well.
Oh, really?
I got a little news as well.
Oh, really?
I was fired today.
Oh, really?
I was fired today.
Oh.
I was fired today.
Oh.
Fr-- from work?
Oh.
Fr-- from work?
Yes, that's where men usually
Fr-- from work?
Yes, that's where men usually
get fired from, fran.
Yes, that's where men usually
get fired from, fran.
Oh.
Get fired from, fran.
Oh.
What did you do?
Oh.
What did you do?
Chase some customers out of the
What did you do?
Chase some customers out of the
store with a lamp?
Chase some customers out of the
store with a lamp?
I went crazy, I --
Store with a lamp?
I went crazy, I --
I put cheese in my coffee.
I went crazy, I --
I put cheese in my coffee.
What?
I put cheese in my coffee.
What?
They fired you for putting
What?
They fired you for putting
cheese in your coffee?
They fired you for putting
cheese in your coffee?
Well, that was after I
Cheese in your coffee?
Well, that was after I
called mcneill a
Well, that was after I
called mcneill a
buttock-smoocher.
Called mcneill a
buttock-smoocher.
Oh!
Buttock-smoocher.
Oh!
And I sort of acted it out.
Oh!
And I sort of acted it out.
Oh, gordon, why?
And I sort of acted it out.
Oh, gordon, why?
You know, why?
Oh, gordon, why?
You know, why?
Oh, anyways, don't worry.
You know, why?
Oh, anyways, don't worry.
You know, you may have lost the
Oh, anyways, don't worry.
You know, you may have lost the
job, but we are in this
You know, you may have lost the
job, but we are in this
together.
Job, but we are in this
together.
Mm-hmm.
Together.
Mm-hmm.
Together, really?
Mm-hmm.
Together, really?
Yeah.
Together, really?
Yeah.
Well, how come I blame you?
Yeah.
Well, how come I blame you?
Me?
Well, how come I blame you?
Me?
Yeah.
Me?
Yeah.
That lunch you packed me, it was
Yeah.
That lunch you packed me, it was
so horrible, it -- it made me
That lunch you packed me, it was
so horrible, it -- it made me
wig out.
So horrible, it -- it made me
wig out.
I went crazy!
Wig out.
I went crazy!
I went all wiggy, fran!
I went crazy!
I went all wiggy, fran!
Jeez!
I went all wiggy, fran!
Jeez!
It was a perfectly good lunch.
Jeez!
It was a perfectly good lunch.
Soup in a bag, fran?
It was a perfectly good lunch.
Soup in a bag, fran?
Soup in a bag?
Soup in a bag, fran?
Soup in a bag?
A man works all morning, and
Soup in a bag?
A man works all morning, and
he's subjected to soup in a bag?
A man works all morning, and
he's subjected to soup in a bag?
Yeah, well, you never bring
He's subjected to soup in a bag?
Yeah, well, you never bring
bowls back.
Yeah, well, you never bring
bowls back.
Don't kick me when I'm down,
Bowls back.
Don't kick me when I'm down,
fran.
Don't kick me when I'm down,
fran.
Oh, okay, not to despair,
Fran.
Oh, okay, not to despair,
hon.
Oh, okay, not to despair,
hon.
After all, you and I lived
Hon.
After all, you and I lived
through the depression.
After all, you and I lived
through the depression.
This will be a piece of cake.
Through the depression.
This will be a piece of cake.
All right, then, you'll have
This will be a piece of cake.
All right, then, you'll have
to get a job.
All right, then, you'll have
to get a job.
Outside the home?
To get a job.
Outside the home?
That's where people usually
Outside the home?
That's where people usually
find their jobs, fran.
That's where people usually
find their jobs, fran.
Oh, well.
Find their jobs, fran.
Oh, well.
That's all right.
Oh, well.
That's all right.
I'm highly skilled!
That's all right.
I'm highly skilled!
Uh-huh.
I'm highly skilled!
Uh-huh.
Yeah, lots that I can do!
Uh-huh.
Yeah, lots that I can do!
Right.
Yeah, lots that I can do!
Right.
Oh, my god.
Right.
Oh, my god.
I suppose I'm gonna have to
Oh, my god.
I suppose I'm gonna have to
learn how to operate a computer.
I suppose I'm gonna have to
learn how to operate a computer.
Fran, a woman your age?
Learn how to operate a computer.
Fran, a woman your age?
A computer would eat you alive.
Fran, a woman your age?
A computer would eat you alive.
Nope, we're gonna have to sell
A computer would eat you alive.
Nope, we're gonna have to sell
the roof.
Nope, we're gonna have to sell
the roof.
The roof?
The roof.
The roof?
Well, I don't want to sell
The roof?
Well, I don't want to sell
the whole house, fran!
Well, I don't want to sell
the whole house, fran!
The house?
The whole house, fran!
The house?
Okay, we'll sell the house.
The house?
Okay, we'll sell the house.
Gordon, no, not the house!
Okay, we'll sell the house.
Gordon, no, not the house!
Yeah.
Gordon, no, not the house!
Yeah.
All because of a bag of soup.
Yeah.
All because of a bag of soup.
Oh, my god, I'm going to lose my
Oh, my god, I'm going to lose my
home.
I'm going to have to say goodbye
Home.
I'm going to have to say goodbye
to my spice rack.
I'm going to have to say goodbye
to my spice rack.
Oh, we'll end up living in a
To my spice rack.
Oh, we'll end up living in a
refrigerator box.
Oh, we'll end up living in a
refrigerator box.
I'll have to wash my hair in a
Refrigerator box.
I'll have to wash my hair in a
puddle!
I'll have to wash my hair in a
puddle!
We'll have to wear plastic bags
Puddle!
We'll have to wear plastic bags
on our feet for boots, and we'll
We'll have to wear plastic bags
on our feet for boots, and we'll
get those teeth that street
On our feet for boots, and we'll
get those teeth that street
people have.
Get those teeth that street
people have.
I'm already starting to itch!
People have.
I'm already starting to itch!
Hi, mom.
I'm already starting to itch!
Hi, mom.
Hi, dad.
Hi, mom.
Hi, dad.
I'm going to my room.
Hi, dad.
I'm going to my room.
I'll see you later.
I'm going to my room.
I'll see you later.
Brian!
I'll see you later.
Brian!
What?
Brian!
What?
Get back here!
What?
Get back here!
What?
Get back here!
What?
Sit down.
What?
Sit down.
Mom, what?
Sit down.
Mom, what?
Yeah.
Mom, what?
Yeah.
Your father has an announcement.
Yeah.
Your father has an announcement.
Brian, it's degrees in
Your father has an announcement.
Brian, it's degrees in
tampa bay, florida.
Brian, it's degrees in
tampa bay, florida.
Gordon!
Tampa bay, florida.
Gordon!
Well, it is.
Gordon!
Well, it is.
Your father was fired from
Well, it is.
Your father was fired from
work today.
Your father was fired from
work today.
Oh, fran!
Work today.
Oh, fran!
Oh.
Oh, fran!
Oh.
Okay, well, I'm going to my
Oh.
Okay, well, I'm going to my
room.
Okay, well, I'm going to my
room.
Brian!
Room.
Brian!
What?
Brian!
What?
March back here!
What?
March back here!
Oh, come on, come on.
March back here!
Oh, come on, come on.
Don't you realize what this
Oh, come on, come on.
Don't you realize what this
means?
Don't you realize what this
means?
Oh, no.
Means?
Oh, no.
You mean dad's gonna be around
Oh, no.
You mean dad's gonna be around
the house more?
You mean dad's gonna be around
the house more?
Yeah, a lot of quality time
The house more?
Yeah, a lot of quality time
on my hands to watch you like a
Yeah, a lot of quality time
on my hands to watch you like a
hawk, friend!
On my hands to watch you like a
hawk, friend!
No.
Hawk, friend!
No.
You and I are going to have to
No.
You and I are going to have to
get some jobs, start pulling our
You and I are going to have to
get some jobs, start pulling our
weight around here.
Get some jobs, start pulling our
weight around here.
Yeah, you're gonna look
Weight around here.
Yeah, you're gonna look
pretty good in a hairnet and a
Yeah, you're gonna look
pretty good in a hairnet and a
mcdonald's hat!
Pretty good in a hairnet and a
mcdonald's hat!
A hairnet?
Mcdonald's hat!
A hairnet?
Yeah, minimum-wage earner, a
A hairnet?
Yeah, minimum-wage earner, a
hairnet!
Yeah, minimum-wage earner, a
hairnet!
Oh, my god, it's happening
Hairnet!
Oh, my god, it's happening
already, just like
Oh, my god, it's happening
already, just like
"lord of the flies."
Already, just like
"lord of the flies."
Man, not a hairnet.
"Lord of the flies."
Man, not a hairnet.
Oh, come on!
Man, not a hairnet.
Oh, come on!
I don't want to listen to this,
Oh, come on!
I don't want to listen to this,
you selfish little bugger.
I don't want to listen to this,
you selfish little bugger.
How about me, hmm, traipsing
You selfish little bugger.
How about me, hmm, traipsing
around town in one pair of
How about me, hmm, traipsing
around town in one pair of
nylons like a w*r bride!
Around town in one pair of
nylons like a w*r bride!
Oh, but a hairnet?
Nylons like a w*r bride!
Oh, but a hairnet?
Come on!
Oh, but a hairnet?
Come on!
Maybe that's where your hair
Come on!
Maybe that's where your hair
belongs, in a net...like a fish!
Maybe that's where your hair
belongs, in a net...like a fish!
What?
Belongs, in a net...like a fish!
What?
Gordon!
What?
Gordon!
[ Laughing ]
Gordon!
[ Laughing ]
fooled you!
[ Laughing ]
fooled you!
I didn't get fired.
Fooled you!
I didn't get fired.
They'd die without me...and so
I didn't get fired.
They'd die without me...and so
would you, puppy dog!
They'd die without me...and so
would you, puppy dog!
You're -- did you see?
Would you, puppy dog!
You're -- did you see?
That was horrible.
You're -- did you see?
That was horrible.
That was horrible, gordon!
That was horrible.
That was horrible, gordon!
Not funny, not funny.
That was horrible, gordon!
Not funny, not funny.
Not for me.
Not funny, not funny.
Not for me.
It was kind of fun.
Not for me.
It was kind of fun.
See, a man's home is his castle.
It was kind of fun.
See, a man's home is his castle.
I just wanted to remind you who
See, a man's home is his castle.
I just wanted to remind you who
was king.
I just wanted to remind you who
was king.
Bingo!
Was king.
Bingo!
Well, you can expect a
Bingo!
Well, you can expect a
visit from children's aid, dad.
Well, you can expect a
visit from children's aid, dad.
I'm scared.
Visit from children's aid, dad.
I'm scared.
You know what that was?
I'm scared.
You know what that was?
That was abuse, pure and simple.
You know what that was?
That was abuse, pure and simple.
Don't be surprised to see brian
That was abuse, pure and simple.
Don't be surprised to see brian
and I on one of those daytime
Don't be surprised to see brian
and I on one of those daytime
talk shows spilling the beans.
And I on one of those daytime
talk shows spilling the beans.
Oh, fran, you're pent up.
Talk shows spilling the beans.
Oh, fran, you're pent up.
Oh.
Oh, fran, you're pent up.
Oh.
Here, why don't you relax,
Oh.
Here, why don't you relax,
and, uh...pull my finger.
Here, why don't you relax,
and, uh...pull my finger.
[ Chuckles ]
And, uh...pull my finger.
[ Chuckles ]
come on, give it a go!
[ Chuckles ]
come on, give it a go!
What -- well, that's not --
Come on, give it a go!
What -- well, that's not --
fran, you're hurting me!
What -- well, that's not --
fran, you're hurting me!
What's wrong?
Fran, you're hurting me!
What's wrong?
Come on, that's not funny!
What's wrong?
Come on, that's not funny!
Oh, I'm sorry!
Come on, that's not funny!
Oh, I'm sorry!
It's not funny!
Oh, I'm sorry!
It's not funny!
Fran!
Hello.
Hello.
Very nice duck.
Hello.
Very nice duck.
Thanks.
Very nice duck.
Thanks.
Hold it!
Thanks.
Hold it!
How does a guy afford a nice
Hold it!
How does a guy afford a nice
duck like that on a cop's
How does a guy afford a nice
duck like that on a cop's
salary?
Duck like that on a cop's
salary?
Found it.
Salary?
Found it.
[ Whistles ]
Come.
Come.
Come one, come all.
Come.
Come one, come all.
Come see the world's scariest
Come one, come all.
Come see the world's scariest
freaks.
Come see the world's scariest
freaks.
Thrill to the might of the
Freaks.
Thrill to the might of the
four-armed man.
Thrill to the might of the
four-armed man.
"Ohh" in wonder at the the eggs
Four-armed man.
"Ohh" in wonder at the the eggs
of the chicken lady.
"Ohh" in wonder at the the eggs
of the chicken lady.
Accidentally step on the world's
Of the chicken lady.
Accidentally step on the world's
shortest man.
Accidentally step on the world's
shortest man.
Give a perm to the world's
Shortest man.
Give a perm to the world's
hairiest guy.
Give a perm to the world's
hairiest guy.
Come see these and many more
Hairiest guy.
Come see these and many more
freaks, if you dare!
Come see these and many more
freaks, if you dare!
[ Laughs ]
Freaks, if you dare!
[ Laughs ]
come on.
[ Laughs ]
come on.
Okay, start your
Come on.
Okay, start your
nosebleeding.
Okay, start your
nosebleeding.
Yeah, make your nose
Nosebleeding.
Yeah, make your nose
bleed, huh?
Yeah, make your nose
bleed, huh?
No.
Bleed, huh?
No.
You have to.
No.
You have to.
You're a freak.
You have to.
You're a freak.
I don't have to do anything,
You're a freak.
I don't have to do anything,
thank you very much.
I don't have to do anything,
thank you very much.
Oh, come on.
Thank you very much.
Oh, come on.
We came all the way in from the
Oh, come on.
We came all the way in from the
country for this.
We came all the way in from the
country for this.
Yeah, we made our uncle tony
Country for this.
Yeah, we made our uncle tony
drive us in a truck to see the
Yeah, we made our uncle tony
drive us in a truck to see the
nosebleeder.
Drive us in a truck to see the
nosebleeder.
Yeah...so make it bleed.
Nosebleeder.
Yeah...so make it bleed.
I don't care.
Yeah...so make it bleed.
I don't care.
I'm on my lunch break.
I don't care.
I'm on my lunch break.
Wow, what a bad freak show.
I'm on my lunch break.
Wow, what a bad freak show.
It is so lame.
Wow, what a bad freak show.
It is so lame.
Rotten.
It is so lame.
Rotten.
Look, kids, you're not going
Rotten.
Look, kids, you're not going
to guilt me into nosebleeding
Look, kids, you're not going
to guilt me into nosebleeding
for you.
To guilt me into nosebleeding
for you.
If you're not enjoying
For you.
If you're not enjoying
yourselves at the freak show,
If you're not enjoying
yourselves at the freak show,
it's not my responsibility.
Yourselves at the freak show,
it's not my responsibility.
My only responsibility is to
It's not my responsibility.
My only responsibility is to
myself, to make sure I'm a
My only responsibility is to
myself, to make sure I'm a
healthy, functioning person who
Myself, to make sure I'm a
healthy, functioning person who
doesn't live in a state of
Healthy, functioning person who
doesn't live in a state of
denial.
Doesn't live in a state of
denial.
What?
Denial.
What?
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What, I don't --
Huh?
What, I don't --
listen up, kids, maybe you'll
What, I don't --
listen up, kids, maybe you'll
learn a thing or two.
Listen up, kids, maybe you'll
learn a thing or two.
There are three steps to a good
Learn a thing or two.
There are three steps to a good
life.
There are three steps to a good
life.
One, live and let live.
Life.
One, live and let live.
Two, live one day at a time.
One, live and let live.
Two, live one day at a time.
And three, I am number one.
Two, live one day at a time.
And three, I am number one.
You see, I've done some pretty
And three, I am number one.
You see, I've done some pretty
good nosebleeding today and
You see, I've done some pretty
good nosebleeding today and
right now I'm on my lunch break.
Good nosebleeding today and
right now I'm on my lunch break.
To nosebleed for you now would
Right now I'm on my lunch break.
To nosebleed for you now would
be denying my rights as an
To nosebleed for you now would
be denying my rights as an
individual.
Be denying my rights as an
individual.
I bet you can't even make
Individual.
I bet you can't even make
your nose bleed.
I bet you can't even make
your nose bleed.
Yeah, I bet that's it.
Your nose bleed.
Yeah, I bet that's it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I bet that's it.
Yeah.
You're a fraudulent freak,
Yeah.
You're a fraudulent freak,
that's what you are.
You're a fraudulent freak,
that's what you are.
I'll call the
That's what you are.
I'll call the
better business bureau, freak.
I'll call the
better business bureau, freak.
Oh, come on, kids.
Better business bureau, freak.
Oh, come on, kids.
Is that a frontal attack on my
Oh, come on, kids.
Is that a frontal attack on my
vanity?
Is that a frontal attack on my
vanity?
"Oh, no, they don't believe I
Vanity?
"Oh, no, they don't believe I
can nosebleed.
"Oh, no, they don't believe I
can nosebleed.
Well, I'll show them.
Can nosebleed.
Well, I'll show them.
I'll bleed and bleed and bleed."
Well, I'll show them.
I'll bleed and bleed and bleed."
Yay!
I'll bleed and bleed and bleed."
Yay!
It's about time.
Yay!
It's about time.
No, no!
It's about time.
No, no!
Look, I don't have to impress
No, no!
Look, I don't have to impress
anybody anymore.
Look, I don't have to impress
anybody anymore.
Oh, sure, when I was young, and
Anybody anymore.
Oh, sure, when I was young, and
I was desperate to make friends,
Oh, sure, when I was young, and
I was desperate to make friends,
I would nosebleed at the drop
I was desperate to make friends,
I would nosebleed at the drop
of a hat.
I would nosebleed at the drop
of a hat.
But now I accept myself for what
Of a hat.
But now I accept myself for what
I am, a -ish bachelor whose
But now I accept myself for what
I am, a -ish bachelor whose
interests include model
I am, a -ish bachelor whose
interests include model
airplanes and pottery and whose
Interests include model
airplanes and pottery and whose
profession is nosebleeding.
Airplanes and pottery and whose
profession is nosebleeding.
And if you can't accept that,
Profession is nosebleeding.
And if you can't accept that,
then I'm afraid your friendship
And if you can't accept that,
then I'm afraid your friendship
isn't needed here.
Then I'm afraid your friendship
isn't needed here.
Friendship?
Isn't needed here.
Friendship?
Who wants to be your friend?
Friendship?
Who wants to be your friend?
You're a freak!
Who wants to be your friend?
You're a freak!
Piss off!
You're a freak!
Piss off!
Just piss off.
Piss off!
Just piss off.
You're the most bitter man
Just piss off.
You're the most bitter man
I've ever met.
You're the most bitter man
I've ever met.
Yeah.
I've ever met.
Yeah.
No, I'm the happiest.
Yeah.
No, I'm the happiest.
No, you're sad and bitter.
No, I'm the happiest.
No, you're sad and bitter.
No, as a matter of fact, I'm
No, you're sad and bitter.
No, as a matter of fact, I'm
happy and joyous if you want to
No, as a matter of fact, I'm
happy and joyous if you want to
know the truth.
Happy and joyous if you want to
know the truth.
You're a pathetic freak who
Know the truth.
You're a pathetic freak who
sleeps in his own filth in a
You're a pathetic freak who
sleeps in his own filth in a
cage.
Sleeps in his own filth in a
cage.
[ Indistinct bickering ]
Cage.
[ Indistinct bickering ]
oh, great!
[ Indistinct bickering ]
oh, great!
Oh, great.
Oh, great!
Oh, great.
Nothing like a major dose of
Oh, great.
Nothing like a major dose of
stress to get my nose bleeding,
Nothing like a major dose of
stress to get my nose bleeding,
right on my new mandarin jacket.
Stress to get my nose bleeding,
right on my new mandarin jacket.
Thanks!
Right on my new mandarin jacket.
Thanks!
Thanks for the stress, kids!
Thanks!
Thanks for the stress, kids!
That's not so great.
Thanks for the stress, kids!
That's not so great.
Get out of here.
That's not so great.
Get out of here.
Go see the chicken lady.
Get out of here.
Go see the chicken lady.
You'll like her.
Go see the chicken lady.
You'll like her.
She's an emotional dependent who
You'll like her.
She's an emotional dependent who
has to please anybody she
She's an emotional dependent who
has to please anybody she
happens to be with.
Has to please anybody she
happens to be with.
Go watch her lay her eggs.
Happens to be with.
Go watch her lay her eggs.
[ Crows ]
Go watch her lay her eggs.
[ Crows ]
come on, lay 'em.
[ Crows ]
come on, lay 'em.
Are you going to do it or
Come on, lay 'em.
Are you going to do it or
not?
Are you going to do it or
not?
I can do it.
Not?
I can do it.
I-i-i can do it.
I can do it.
I-i-i can do it.
[ Squawking ]
I-i-i can do it.
[ Squawking ]
no, I can lay 'em.
[ Sirens blaring ]
[ Sirens blaring ]
hey.
[ Sirens blaring ]
hey.
I'm tony baldwin, "surf cops."
Hey.
I'm tony baldwin, "surf cops."
Oh, yeah.
I'm tony baldwin, "surf cops."
Oh, yeah.
Hi, hi.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, hi.
Yeah.
Hi, hi.
Yeah.
So what show you on?
Yeah.
So what show you on?
Uh, I'm a cop...in the city.
So what show you on?
Uh, I'm a cop...in the city.
I'm a real cop, I guess you
Uh, I'm a cop...in the city.
I'm a real cop, I guess you
could say.
I'm a real cop, I guess you
could say.
Okay.
Could say.
Okay.
Hey, uh, "hang ten, you're
Okay.
Hey, uh, "hang ten, you're
booked."
Okay, now before we get
Okay, now before we get
started --
Okay, now before we get
started --
hold it, jeff.
Started --
hold it, jeff.
Why don't we just get started?
Hold it, jeff.
Why don't we just get started?
Oh, you got me.
Why don't we just get started?
Oh, you got me.
Right.
Oh, you got me.
Right.
Because there is no time like
Right.
Because there is no time like
the present for money, is there?
Because there is no time like
the present for money, is there?
Ohh.
The present for money, is there?
Ohh.
When you said money, I felt a
Ohh.
When you said money, I felt a
certain feeling rising up from
When you said money, I felt a
certain feeling rising up from
this group here today.
Certain feeling rising up from
this group here today.
You know why?
This group here today.
You know why?
Because we're not standing in
You know why?
Because we're not standing in
our hotel in our underwear now,
Because we're not standing in
our hotel in our underwear now,
gord.
Our hotel in our underwear now,
gord.
Not right now.
Gord.
Not right now.
No, we're standing here,
Not right now.
No, we're standing here,
wearing finely tailored italian
No, we're standing here,
wearing finely tailored italian
suits...
Wearing finely tailored italian
suits...
Wow, the italians.
Suits...
Wow, the italians.
...in front of a group of
Wow, the italians.
...in front of a group of
people who seem to me to have
...in front of a group of
people who seem to me to have
money momentum.
People who seem to me to have
money momentum.
Well, applause would convince
Money momentum.
Well, applause would convince
me.
Well, applause would convince
me.
Let's hear it.
Me.
Let's hear it.
Okay, okay.
Let's hear it.
Okay, okay.
Let's take a little survey.
Okay, okay.
Let's take a little survey.
How many people in the room
Let's take a little survey.
How many people in the room
tonight are over ?
How many people in the room
tonight are over ?
All of you.
Tonight are over ?
All of you.
All of you.
All of you.
All of you.
That's great.
All of you.
That's great.
Okay.
That's great.
Okay.
Well, you know, folks, you gotta
Okay.
Well, you know, folks, you gotta
know there's a lot of good years
Well, you know, folks, you gotta
know there's a lot of good years
ahead of you to gain money
Know there's a lot of good years
ahead of you to gain money
momentum.
Ahead of you to gain money
momentum.
That's right.
Momentum.
That's right.
It doesn't matter if you become
That's right.
It doesn't matter if you become
a shut-in, if you lose your
It doesn't matter if you become
a shut-in, if you lose your
legs.
A shut-in, if you lose your
legs.
All you need is a phone voice.
Legs.
All you need is a phone voice.
'Cause who would mind being a
All you need is a phone voice.
'Cause who would mind being a
shut-in if you were shut in a
'Cause who would mind being a
shut-in if you were shut in a
bank vault?
Shut-in if you were shut in a
bank vault?
[ Laughter ]
Bank vault?
[ Laughter ]
[ applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ applause ]
okay, what I'm going to
[ Applause ]
okay, what I'm going to
do right now is just, uh, pull
Okay, what I'm going to
do right now is just, uh, pull
out some money and neck with it.
Do right now is just, uh, pull
out some money and neck with it.
Okay?
Out some money and neck with it.
Okay?
I love money just that much.
Okay?
I love money just that much.
Okay.
I love money just that much.
Okay.
Hey, you love your wife, and you
Okay.
Hey, you love your wife, and you
kiss her, don't you?
Hey, you love your wife, and you
kiss her, don't you?
Well, sometimes.
Kiss her, don't you?
Well, sometimes.
And money never says, "no."
Well, sometimes.
And money never says, "no."
That's right.
That's right.
Okay.
Go kiss some money.
Okay.
Go kiss some money.
While he's kissing money, I'm
Go kiss some money.
While he's kissing money, I'm
gonna stand over here and tell
While he's kissing money, I'm
gonna stand over here and tell
you a little story.
Gonna stand over here and tell
you a little story.
Now, when I was three years old,
You a little story.
Now, when I was three years old,
I didn't quite understand the
Now, when I was three years old,
I didn't quite understand the
value of a dol-- wait a second!
I didn't quite understand the
value of a dol-- wait a second!
How many people here are
Value of a dol-- wait a second!
How many people here are
watching gord?
How many people here are
watching gord?
All of you, yeah, of course.
Watching gord?
All of you, yeah, of course.
What we just did was
All of you, yeah, of course.
What we just did was
illustrate a point.
What we just did was
illustrate a point.
It's better to get involved with
Illustrate a point.
It's better to get involved with
money than to just talk about
It's better to get involved with
money than to just talk about
money.
Money than to just talk about
money.
It's true.
Money.
It's true.
Okay.
It's true.
Okay.
Let's get down to work.
Okay.
Let's get down to work.
I'm gonna take off my $ suit
Let's get down to work.
I'm gonna take off my $ suit
jacket.
I'm gonna take off my $ suit
jacket.
I'm gonna take off my $ ,
Jacket.
I'm gonna take off my $ ,
suit jacket.
I'm gonna take off my $ ,
suit jacket.
And I'm gonna hike up the
Suit jacket.
And I'm gonna hike up the
sleeves of my $ shirt and
And I'm gonna hike up the
sleeves of my $ shirt and
direct your attention to this
Sleeves of my $ shirt and
direct your attention to this
blackboard where I've written
Direct your attention to this
blackboard where I've written
down, "$ ."
Blackboard where I've written
down, "$ ."
Now, everyone's had $ in
Down, "$ ."
Now, everyone's had $ in
their life, but I'm gonna show
Now, everyone's had $ in
their life, but I'm gonna show
what a comma and three zeros can
Their life, but I'm gonna show
what a comma and three zeros can
do.
What a comma and three zeros can
do.
Folks, we've got $ ,
Do.
Folks, we've got $ ,
happening here.
Folks, we've got $ ,
happening here.
That's money momentum.
Happening here.
That's money momentum.
And it's that easy.
That's money momentum.
And it's that easy.
Yeah.
And it's that easy.
Yeah.
Okay, how many people here
Yeah.
Okay, how many people here
have bought a really bad used
Okay, how many people here
have bought a really bad used
car?
Have bought a really bad used
car?
Uh-huh.
Car?
Uh-huh.
All of you.
Uh-huh.
All of you.
That's great.
All of you.
That's great.
And how many people here
That's great.
And how many people here
have paid, say, $ , for that
And how many people here
have paid, say, $ , for that
junk heap?
Have paid, say, $ , for that
junk heap?
Come on.
Junk heap?
Come on.
All of you, okay.
Come on.
All of you, okay.
What a bunch of losers, gord!
All of you, okay.
What a bunch of losers, gord!
Okay, how many people here
What a bunch of losers, gord!
Okay, how many people here
got uncomfortable here when jeff
Okay, how many people here
got uncomfortable here when jeff
called you a bunch of losers?
Got uncomfortable here when jeff
called you a bunch of losers?
All of you.
Called you a bunch of losers?
All of you.
That's fine.
All of you.
That's fine.
He did it to illustrate a point.
That's fine.
He did it to illustrate a point.
People have been calling you
He did it to illustrate a point.
People have been calling you
losers perhaps all your lives
People have been calling you
losers perhaps all your lives
because you went in on pyramid
Losers perhaps all your lives
because you went in on pyramid
schemes, uh, went in on real
Because you went in on pyramid
schemes, uh, went in on real
estate ventures that soured,
Schemes, uh, went in on real
estate ventures that soured,
lost jobs of course --
Estate ventures that soured,
lost jobs of course --
or maybe got hit by
Lost jobs of course --
or maybe got hit by
lightning.
Or maybe got hit by
lightning.
How many people here have been
Lightning.
How many people here have been
hit by lightning, incidentally?
How many people here have been
hit by lightning, incidentally?
Okay, all of you.
Hit by lightning, incidentally?
Okay, all of you.
Okay, but folks, you're
Okay, all of you.
Okay, but folks, you're
not a bunch of losers.
Okay, but folks, you're
not a bunch of losers.
No.
Not a bunch of losers.
No.
You're a bunch of winners
No.
You're a bunch of winners
with no winnings.
You're a bunch of winners
with no winnings.
That's true.
With no winnings.
That's true.
It's true.
That's true.
It's true.
It's true.
It's true.
It's true.
Let me tell you a story.
It's true.
Let me tell you a story.
Would you, gord, huh?
Let me tell you a story.
Would you, gord, huh?
We were doing a seminar in
Would you, gord, huh?
We were doing a seminar in
seattle.
We were doing a seminar in
seattle.
We do these seminars around the
Seattle.
We do these seminars around the
world, but mostly in seattle.
We do these seminars around the
world, but mostly in seattle.
I love this story.
World, but mostly in seattle.
I love this story.
And after the seminar, this
I love this story.
And after the seminar, this
young boy came up to me, and he
And after the seminar, this
young boy came up to me, and he
was pounds.
Young boy came up to me, and he
was pounds.
He was uncomfortable, as a lot
Was pounds.
He was uncomfortable, as a lot
of people were, with his weight.
He was uncomfortable, as a lot
of people were, with his weight.
Now, a lot of people would
Of people were, with his weight.
Now, a lot of people would
call him "lard throat."
Now, a lot of people would
call him "lard throat."
Now, that's very funny, but it's
Call him "lard throat."
Now, that's very funny, but it's
also very cruel.
Now, that's very funny, but it's
also very cruel.
So I told him to apply the
Also very cruel.
So I told him to apply the
money principles to other
So I told him to apply the
money principles to other
aspects of his life.
Money principles to other
aspects of his life.
And we saw this child at our
Aspects of his life.
And we saw this child at our
next seminar about six months
And we saw this child at our
next seminar about six months
later, and he was pounds,
Next seminar about six months
later, and he was pounds,
ladies and gentlemen!
Later, and he was pounds,
ladies and gentlemen!
He had lost five pounds!
Ladies and gentlemen!
He had lost five pounds!
That's right.
He had lost five pounds!
That's right.
He had lost five pounds.
That's right.
He had lost five pounds.
And all that kid was doing was
He had lost five pounds.
And all that kid was doing was
using the same kind of
And all that kid was doing was
using the same kind of
motivation that you can use to
Using the same kind of
motivation that you can use to
turn this one into a four.
Motivation that you can use to
turn this one into a four.
We have $ , .
Turn this one into a four.
We have $ , .
In your spare time.
We have $ , .
In your spare time.
In your spare time.
In your spare time.
In your spare time.
What I'm gonna do then is
In your spare time.
What I'm gonna do then is
eat some money.
What I'm gonna do then is
eat some money.
Okay!
Eat some money.
Okay!
I'm gonna pull some out
Okay!
I'm gonna pull some out
and hork it back.
I'm gonna pull some out
and hork it back.
I love money just that much.
And hork it back.
I love money just that much.
Now, while he's eating some
I love money just that much.
Now, while he's eating some
money over there, I'm gonna take
Now, while he's eating some
money over there, I'm gonna take
a quick survey.
Money over there, I'm gonna take
a quick survey.
How many people here, say, had
A quick survey.
How many people here, say, had
the experience of living in a
How many people here, say, had
the experience of living in a
trailer park that exploded?
The experience of living in a
trailer park that exploded?
All of you.
Trailer park that exploded?
All of you.
Well I'm going to ask all you
All of you.
Well I'm going to ask all you
people to give yourselves a
Well I'm going to ask all you
people to give yourselves a
hand.
People to give yourselves a
hand.
Why?
Hand.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Come on, clap.
Why?
Come on, clap.
Because you've got $ , ,
Come on, clap.
Because you've got $ , ,
in your available cash pool.
Because you've got $ , ,
in your available cash pool.
And don't let your banker tell
In your available cash pool.
And don't let your banker tell
you different.
And don't let your banker tell
you different.
Wow, look at gord eat money!
[ Whistle blows ]
[ Whistle blows ]
hey, excuse me.
[ Whistle blows ]
hey, excuse me.
Okay, give her some air.
Hey, excuse me.
Okay, give her some air.
Wow.
Okay, give her some air.
Wow.
She'll be okay.
Wow.
She'll be okay.
Good work, gomez.
She'll be okay.
Good work, gomez.
Susan, yeah.
Good work, gomez.
Susan, yeah.
What's your name?
Susan, yeah.
What's your name?
Cut.
What's your name?
Cut.
Yeah.
Cut.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yo!
Wow.
Yo!
My name's tony baldwin, and I'm
Yo!
My name's tony baldwin, and I'm
an actor.
My name's tony baldwin, and I'm
an actor.
This my television show,
An actor.
This my television show,
"surf cops."
This my television show,
"surf cops."
I play danny.
"Surf cops."
I play danny.
You know, "hang ten, you're
I play danny.
You know, "hang ten, you're
booked!"
You know, "hang ten, you're
booked!"
"Surf cops" is a good gig.
Booked!"
"Surf cops" is a good gig.
Don't get me wrong.
"Surf cops" is a good gig.
Don't get me wrong.
But I want to be a movie star.
Don't get me wrong.
But I want to be a movie star.
That's why I'm really excited --
But I want to be a movie star.
That's why I'm really excited --
'cause I just signed to do this
That's why I'm really excited --
'cause I just signed to do this
really big picture.
'Cause I just signed to do this
really big picture.
I sure hope it's a hit.
Really big picture.
I sure hope it's a hit.
It should be.
I sure hope it's a hit.
It should be.
The public loves me.
It should be.
The public loves me.
Thank god I'm not a q*eer.
The public loves me.
Thank god I'm not a q*eer.
I'm a sex symbol, which means
Thank god I'm not a q*eer.
I'm a sex symbol, which means
that women want to go to bed
I'm a sex symbol, which means
that women want to go to bed
with me.
That women want to go to bed
with me.
No woman wants to fantasize
With me.
No woman wants to fantasize
about a f*g.
No woman wants to fantasize
about a f*g.
Well, unless she's married to
About a f*g.
Well, unless she's married to
one.
Well, unless she's married to
one.
That reminds me, I -- I just got
One.
That reminds me, I -- I just got
engaged to julie chambers.
That reminds me, I -- I just got
engaged to julie chambers.
You know, she plays lori on
Engaged to julie chambers.
You know, she plays lori on
"country girls."
You know, she plays lori on
"country girls."
Really gorgeous babe.
"Country girls."
Really gorgeous babe.
Obviously no lesbian.
Really gorgeous babe.
Obviously no lesbian.
I think what I'm most proud of
Obviously no lesbian.
I think what I'm most proud of
in my career, besides my
I think what I'm most proud of
in my career, besides my
fragrance, is when I hosted
In my career, besides my
fragrance, is when I hosted
"saturday night live," because,
Fragrance, is when I hosted
"saturday night live," because,
you know, I proved to hollywood
"Saturday night live," because,
you know, I proved to hollywood
that I could do comedy.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, you're that guy on
Hey.
Hey, you're that guy on
"surf cops."
Hey, you're that guy on
"surf cops."
No.
"Surf cops."
No.
But I get that a lot.
No.
But I get that a lot.
Oh.
But I get that a lot.
Oh.
So where you going?
Oh.
So where you going?
Nowhere.
So where you going?
Nowhere.
Hop in.
Nowhere.
Hop in.
Okay.
Hop in.
Okay.
What?
Okay.
What?
This is me on the cover of
What?
This is me on the cover of
"us magazine, the sexiest men
This is me on the cover of
"us magazine, the sexiest men
in america" issue.
"Us magazine, the sexiest men
in america" issue.
Lookin' good, mr. Baldwin.
In america" issue.
Lookin' good, mr. Baldwin.
Oh, yeah, that rumor about me
Lookin' good, mr. Baldwin.
Oh, yeah, that rumor about me
and him.
Oh, yeah, that rumor about me
and him.
It ain't true.
And him.
It ain't true.
Oh, I know.
It ain't true.
Oh, I know.
You didn't read my press
Oh, I know.
You didn't read my press
release, did you?
You didn't read my press
release, did you?
Just a sec.
Release, did you?
Just a sec.
Yeah, it's here somewhere.
Just a sec.
Yeah, it's here somewhere.
Hold on there just a minute.
Yeah, it's here somewhere.
Hold on there just a minute.
I'm coming.
Hold on there just a minute.
I'm coming.
Okay, here we go.
I'm coming.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go, okay.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go, okay.
"My client tony baldwin is not
Here we go, okay.
"My client tony baldwin is not
gay.
"My client tony baldwin is not
gay.
First off, he has never been
Gay.
First off, he has never been
gay, and he never will be gay,
First off, he has never been
gay, and he never will be gay,
even if he dies of aids."
Gay, and he never will be gay,
even if he dies of aids."
See?
Even if he dies of aids."
See?
My nephew.
See?
My nephew.
See, his parents died in a
My nephew.
See, his parents died in a
combine accident, so he's
See, his parents died in a
combine accident, so he's
staying with me until he gets
Combine accident, so he's
staying with me until he gets
his act together.
Staying with me until he gets
his act together.
It's like batman and robin.
It's terrible.
It's terrible.
I hear his wife is inconsolable.
It's terrible.
I hear his wife is inconsolable.
How did he die, anyway?
I hear his wife is inconsolable.
How did he die, anyway?
Cancer.
How did he die, anyway?
Cancer.
I heard it was aids.
Cancer.
I heard it was aids.
No, it was cancer.
I love this cake, my darling.
I love this cake, my darling.
I know.
I love this cake, my darling.
I know.
It's three layers.
I know.
It's three layers.
It tastes like four.
It's three layers.
It tastes like four.
Oh, you know what?
It tastes like four.
Oh, you know what?
That cake is just like you.
Oh, you know what?
That cake is just like you.
You're two layers and you taste
That cake is just like you.
You're two layers and you taste
like five.
You're two layers and you taste
like five.
You're seven and you seem
Like five.
You're seven and you seem
like .
You're seven and you seem
like .
Oh, I love you.
Like .
Oh, I love you.
Oh, this is going to be the
Oh, I love you.
Oh, this is going to be the
best anniversary ever!
Oh, this is going to be the
best anniversary ever!
Oh, give me a kiss.
Best anniversary ever!
Oh, give me a kiss.
I couldn't help but overhear
Oh, give me a kiss.
I couldn't help but overhear
that this is your anniversary.
I couldn't help but overhear
that this is your anniversary.
A beautiful flower for a
That this is your anniversary.
A beautiful flower for a
beautiful lady?
A beautiful flower for a
beautiful lady?
Oh, that's so nice.
Beautiful lady?
Oh, that's so nice.
I have a song.
Oh, that's so nice.
I have a song.
It's very personal and close to
I have a song.
It's very personal and close to
me, and I would like to share it
It's very personal and close to
me, and I would like to share it
with you at this special moment.
Me, and I would like to share it
with you at this special moment.
May I be permitted to sing it
With you at this special moment.
May I be permitted to sing it
for you?
May I be permitted to sing it
for you?
That would be just wonderful.
For you?
That would be just wonderful.
Maybe one day, this will
That would be just wonderful.
Maybe one day, this will
happen to you.
Maybe one day, this will
happen to you.
Rolando?
Happen to you.
Rolando?
♪ It's important to me ♪
Rolando?
♪ It's important to me ♪
♪ that the both of you see ♪
♪ It's important to me ♪
♪ that the both of you see ♪
♪ the process of... ♪
♪ That the both of you see ♪
♪ the process of... ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ The process of... ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ here's how you begin ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ here's how you begin ♪
♪ make a cut in the skin ♪
♪ Here's how you begin ♪
♪ make a cut in the skin ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Make a cut in the skin ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ an incision the size of a
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ an incision the size of a
dime ♪
♪ An incision the size of a
dime ♪
I'm doing fine!
Dime ♪
I'm doing fine!
♪ Liposuction ♪
I'm doing fine!
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ then you insert the hose ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ then you insert the hose ♪
♪ suck out the human fat
♪ Then you insert the hose ♪
♪ suck out the human fat
globules ♪
♪ Suck out the human fat
globules ♪
♪ that's liposuction ♪
Globules ♪
♪ that's liposuction ♪
♪ if you're over pounds ♪
♪ That's liposuction ♪
♪ if you're over pounds ♪
♪ and you're hiding it under big
♪ If you're over pounds ♪
♪ and you're hiding it under big
gowns ♪
♪ And you're hiding it under big
gowns ♪
♪ what do you do? ♪
Gowns ♪
♪ what do you do? ♪
Liposuction.
♪ What do you do? ♪
Liposuction.
♪ What is that? ♪
Liposuction.
♪ What is that? ♪
Fat reduction.
♪ What is that? ♪
Fat reduction.
♪ But you better stop sucking
Fat reduction.
♪ But you better stop sucking
soon ♪
♪ But you better stop sucking
soon ♪
♪ before you're sucked down to
Soon ♪
♪ before you're sucked down to
the size of a prune ♪
♪ Before you're sucked down to
the size of a prune ♪
♪ prune ♪
The size of a prune ♪
♪ prune ♪
here's your complementary
♪ Prune ♪
here's your complementary
bag of fat brought to you by...
Here's your complementary
bag of fat brought to you by...
Liposuction!
Bag of fat brought to you by...
Liposuction!
♪ Eat too much ♪
Liposuction!
♪ Eat too much ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Eat too much ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ be a pig ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ be a pig ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Be a pig ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ crush your lover ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ crush your lover ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Crush your lover ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ look at me ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ look at me ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ eat too much ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ eat too much ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Eat too much ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ be a pig ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ be a pig ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Be a pig ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ crush your lover ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ crush your lover ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ Crush your lover ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ look at me ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ look at me ♪
♪ what do you do? ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ what do you do? ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ What do you do? ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ what is that? ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ what is that? ♪
♪ It's fat reduction ♪
♪ What is that? ♪
♪ It's fat reduction ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ It's fat reduction ♪
♪ liposuction ♪
♪ what is that? ♪
♪ Liposuction ♪
♪ what is that? ♪
♪ A lot of suckin', baby ♪
♪ What is that? ♪
♪ A lot of suckin', baby ♪
♪ what do you do? ♪
♪ A lot of suckin', baby ♪
♪ what do you do? ♪
♪ Liposuck! ♪
02x08 - Episode 8
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The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.