02x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

[ Siren wails ]

So we're at that hostage

So we're at that hostage
taking yesterday, and, uh --

So we're at that hostage
taking yesterday, and, uh --
I remember that, yeah.

Taking yesterday, and, uh --
I remember that, yeah.
The guy's got his knife to

I remember that, yeah.
The guy's got his knife to
his throat, and he's ranting on

The guy's got his knife to
his throat, and he's ranting on
and on about his needs, and all

His throat, and he's ranting on
and on about his needs, and all
I could think about was...

And on about his needs, and all
I could think about was...
Boy, would I like a bubble bath.

I could think about was...
Boy, would I like a bubble bath.
Hmm!

Boy, would I like a bubble bath.
Hmm!
I hear you, brother.

Hi.

Hi.
I'm kevin mcdonald of

Hi.
I'm kevin mcdonald of
"the kids in the hall," or as

I'm kevin mcdonald of
"the kids in the hall," or as
some of you like to call me,

"The kids in the hall," or as
some of you like to call me,
"the kid in the hall we don't

Some of you like to call me,
"the kid in the hall we don't
like."

"The kid in the hall we don't
like."
That's okay.

Like."
That's okay.
I realize I'm the least popular

That's okay.
I realize I'm the least popular
kid.

I realize I'm the least popular
kid.
But how could I blame you for

Kid.
But how could I blame you for
making poor judgments if I don't

But how could I blame you for
making poor judgments if I don't
present you with all the facts?

Making poor judgments if I don't
present you with all the facts?
Hey!

Present you with all the facts?
Hey!
If I want you to like me, I have

Hey!
If I want you to like me, I have
to make the effort, 'cause I

If I want you to like me, I have
to make the effort, 'cause I
realize you're busy doing...

To make the effort, 'cause I
realize you're busy doing...
Whatever it is people without a

Realize you're busy doing...
Whatever it is people without a
tv show do.

Whatever it is people without a
tv show do.
So, I'm gonna reveal a little

Tv show do.
So, I'm gonna reveal a little
bit of me to you.

So, I'm gonna reveal a little
bit of me to you.
I am gonna show you how I sleep.

Bit of me to you.
I am gonna show you how I sleep.
Uh, this is my bed.

I am gonna show you how I sleep.
Uh, this is my bed.
Uh, this, of course, is me at

Uh, this is my bed.
Uh, this, of course, is me at
night.

Uh, this, of course, is me at
night.
And you are about to witness how

Night.
And you are about to witness how
I sleep.

And you are about to witness how
I sleep.
Yes.

I sleep.
Yes.
If you look at me very closely,

Yes.
If you look at me very closely,
you can see my eyes moving

If you look at me very closely,
you can see my eyes moving
rapidly.

You can see my eyes moving
rapidly.
At this point, I'm dreaming...

Rapidly.
At this point, I'm dreaming...
About food.

At this point, I'm dreaming...
About food.
Of course I love you, steve.

About food.
Of course I love you, steve.
Do you have to put your shirt

Of course I love you, steve.
Do you have to put your shirt
back on?

Do you have to put your shirt
back on?
I am told by many leading

Back on?
I am told by many leading
psychiatrists that most men have

I am told by many leading
psychiatrists that most men have
h*m* dreams, and it

Psychiatrists that most men have
h*m* dreams, and it
doesn't necessarily mean they're

h*m* dreams, and it
doesn't necessarily mean they're
h*m*.

Doesn't necessarily mean they're
h*m*.
I like the ladies!

h*m*.
I like the ladies!
And the ladies in your town are

I like the ladies!
And the ladies in your town are
the most beautiful ladies in the

And the ladies in your town are
the most beautiful ladies in the
world!

The most beautiful ladies in the
world!
Am I right, guys?

World!
Am I right, guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]

Am I right, guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
okay!

[ Cheers and applause ]
okay!
Back to me sleeping.

Okay!
Back to me sleeping.
What goes on?

Back to me sleeping.
What goes on?
[ Urinating ]

What goes on?
[ Urinating ]
ah.

[ Urinating ]
ah.
I, uh, I usually flush.

Ah.
I, uh, I usually flush.
But I'm getting more conscious

I, uh, I usually flush.
But I'm getting more conscious
environmentally.

But I'm getting more conscious
environmentally.
So, last night I peed in the

Environmentally.
So, last night I peed in the
blue box.

So, last night I peed in the
blue box.
Do you like me yet?

Blue box.
Do you like me yet?
Are you learning about me yet?

Do you like me yet?
Are you learning about me yet?
I guess I should just shut up

Are you learning about me yet?
I guess I should just shut up
and let you watch.

I guess I should just shut up
and let you watch.
Enjoy!

And let you watch.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!

Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Oops!

Enjoy!
Oops!
I find the other "kids in the

Oops!
I find the other "kids in the
hall" come across a little

I find the other "kids in the
hall" come across a little
sexier than I do.

Hall" come across a little
sexier than I do.
But I've always felt I've never

Sexier than I do.
But I've always felt I've never
been lit right.

But I've always felt I've never
been lit right.
Well, last night I finally found

Been lit right.
Well, last night I finally found
the right lighting system to

Well, last night I finally found
the right lighting system to
bring out my inner sexiness to

The right lighting system to
bring out my inner sexiness to
you.

Bring out my inner sexiness to
you.
Hmm.

Hey, good lookin'!

Hey, good lookin'!
Whatcha got cookin', sir?

Hey, good lookin'!
Whatcha got cookin', sir?
Sexiness, that's what!

Whatcha got cookin', sir?
Sexiness, that's what!
Well, I hope you understand me a

Sexiness, that's what!
Well, I hope you understand me a
little better now that you've

Well, I hope you understand me a
little better now that you've
seen how I sleep.

Little better now that you've
seen how I sleep.
And I think you'll find me a

Seen how I sleep.
And I think you'll find me a
little more attractive with my

And I think you'll find me a
little more attractive with my
new lighting system.

Little more attractive with my
new lighting system.
Hey, speak of the devil!

New lighting system.
Hey, speak of the devil!
Yep!

Hey, speak of the devil!
Yep!
I'm sure the cards and letters

Yep!
I'm sure the cards and letters
will come pouring in now!

I'm sure the cards and letters
will come pouring in now!
They already have.

Will come pouring in now!
They already have.
You got a letter.

They already have.
You got a letter.
Gee, thanks, smokey.

You got a letter.
Gee, thanks, smokey.
Hey, it's from my old

Gee, thanks, smokey.
Hey, it's from my old
school -- humber college.

Hey, it's from my old
school -- humber college.
I'm gonna use this lighting

School -- humber college.
I'm gonna use this lighting
system a lot from now on.

I'm gonna use this lighting
system a lot from now on.
"Dear mr. Mcdonald, this letter

System a lot from now on.
"Dear mr. Mcdonald, this letter
is in reference to the

"Dear mr. Mcdonald, this letter
is in reference to the
$ , student loan you still

Is in reference to the
$ , student loan you still
owe us."

$ , Student loan you still
owe us."
Wow -- my first fan, and she

Owe us."
Wow -- my first fan, and she
goes to college.

Oh!

Oh!
Hildy, I can't believe we ever

Oh!
Hildy, I can't believe we ever
looked like that.

Hildy, I can't believe we ever
looked like that.
Oh, jean, I can't believe

Looked like that.
Oh, jean, I can't believe
that we thought that we looked

Oh, jean, I can't believe
that we thought that we looked
good like that!

That we thought that we looked
good like that!
Put it away before we're

Good like that!
Put it away before we're
reminded of how much time has

Put it away before we're
reminded of how much time has
passed.

Reminded of how much time has
passed.
Oh, but, hildy, you've got

Passed.
Oh, but, hildy, you've got
nothing to worry about.

Oh, but, hildy, you've got
nothing to worry about.
Oh, my gosh, you've done so much

Nothing to worry about.
Oh, my gosh, you've done so much
with your life.

Oh, my gosh, you've done so much
with your life.
I mean, you design your own

With your life.
I mean, you design your own
jewelry.

I mean, you design your own
jewelry.
You own your own store, and you

Jewelry.
You own your own store, and you
married that wonderful frenchman

You own your own store, and you
married that wonderful frenchman
from buffalo.

Married that wonderful frenchman
from buffalo.
Ah.

From buffalo.
Ah.
Me, I'm just stuck here in

Ah.
Me, I'm just stuck here in
brampton with doug.

Me, I'm just stuck here in
brampton with doug.
Oh, stop it, stop it, jean.

Brampton with doug.
Oh, stop it, stop it, jean.
You know, you are just a treat.

Oh, stop it, stop it, jean.
You know, you are just a treat.
You know what I love about you,

You know, you are just a treat.
You know what I love about you,
jean?

You know what I love about you,
jean?
Your constancy.

Jean?
Your constancy.
You never change.

Your constancy.
You never change.
Oh, I've changed.

You never change.
Oh, I've changed.
Oh, you have not.

Oh, I've changed.
Oh, you have not.
I have.

Oh, you have not.
I have.
You have not!

I have.
You have not!
I have.

You have not!
I have.
I'm more afraid of things, and

I have.
I'm more afraid of things, and
I'm less tolerant of other

I'm more afraid of things, and
I'm less tolerant of other
cultures.

I'm less tolerant of other
cultures.
Well, I must confess, we are

Cultures.
Well, I must confess, we are
all getting older.

Well, I must confess, we are
all getting older.
Oh, yes, but this helps.

All getting older.
Oh, yes, but this helps.
Can I get you another cup of

Oh, yes, but this helps.
Can I get you another cup of
instant?

Can I get you another cup of
instant?
I would love one, dear, but

Instant?
I would love one, dear, but
you let me get one for you.

I would love one, dear, but
you let me get one for you.
Oh, well, thank you, dear.

You let me get one for you.
Oh, well, thank you, dear.
Stay put there, pet.

Oh, well, thank you, dear.
Stay put there, pet.
Aah.

Stay put there, pet.
Aah.
Jean, there's a photo of a

Aah.
Jean, there's a photo of a
lovely woman on your fridge

Jean, there's a photo of a
lovely woman on your fridge
here.

Lovely woman on your fridge
here.
Who is that?

Here.
Who is that?
Oh, that's doug's mistress.

Who is that?
Oh, that's doug's mistress.
I keep her photo on the fridge

Oh, that's doug's mistress.
I keep her photo on the fridge
to help me lose weight.

I keep her photo on the fridge
to help me lose weight.
Oh, my god, jean, that's

To help me lose weight.
Oh, my god, jean, that's
terrible!

Oh, my god, jean, that's
terrible!
Oh, well, don't judge her too

Terrible!
Oh, well, don't judge her too
harshly from the photo.

Oh, well, don't judge her too
harshly from the photo.
It's not a great shot, but what

Harshly from the photo.
It's not a great shot, but what
can you expect from a

It's not a great shot, but what
can you expect from a
surveillance camera?

Can you expect from a
surveillance camera?
Oh, my god.

Surveillance camera?
Oh, my god.
Oh, jean, you had him followed

Oh, my god.
Oh, jean, you had him followed
by a private detective?

Oh, jean, you had him followed
by a private detective?
Oh, no!

By a private detective?
Oh, no!
I had our son bob follow him.

Oh, no!
I had our son bob follow him.
Oh, jean, jean, dear sister

I had our son bob follow him.
Oh, jean, jean, dear sister
jean.

Oh, jean, jean, dear sister
jean.
What doug is doing is just plain

Jean.
What doug is doing is just plain
wrong, and you cannot tolerate

What doug is doing is just plain
wrong, and you cannot tolerate
it.

Wrong, and you cannot tolerate
it.
You have got to confront him

It.
You have got to confront him
with this news.

You have got to confront him
with this news.
Okay, just let me lose

With this news.
Okay, just let me lose
another pounds first.

Okay, just let me lose
another pounds first.
Promise me.

Another pounds first.
Promise me.
Oh.

Promise me.
Oh.
Promise!

Oh.
Promise!
Oh.

Promise!
Oh.
Whose g*dd*mn lincoln town

Oh.
Whose g*dd*mn lincoln town
car is that sprawled all over

Whose g*dd*mn lincoln town
car is that sprawled all over
the driveway, huh?

Car is that sprawled all over
the driveway, huh?
Oh, it's hildegarde.

The driveway, huh?
Oh, it's hildegarde.
I should have known.

Oh, it's hildegarde.
I should have known.
Only an american would drive a

I should have known.
Only an american would drive a
boat like that.

Only an american would drive a
boat like that.
How are you, hildegarde?

Boat like that.
How are you, hildegarde?
I'm fine, doug.

How are you, hildegarde?
I'm fine, doug.
Uh-huh.

I'm fine, doug.
Uh-huh.
Well, if you ladies will excuse

Uh-huh.
Well, if you ladies will excuse
me, I'm gonna go upstairs and

Well, if you ladies will excuse
me, I'm gonna go upstairs and
shower and cover my body with

Me, I'm gonna go upstairs and
shower and cover my body with
some talc.

Shower and cover my body with
some talc.
Jean.

Some talc.
Jean.
Jean!

Jean.
Jean!
No, really.

Jean!
No, really.
Jean!

No, really.
Jean!
Doug?

Jean!
Doug?
What?

Doug?
What?
The jig is up, doug.

What?
The jig is up, doug.
What jig?

The jig is up, doug.
What jig?
Oh.

What jig?
Oh.
Who took this picture, bobby?

Oh.
Who took this picture, bobby?
God, that kid's got no talent.

Who took this picture, bobby?
God, that kid's got no talent.
None at all.

God, that kid's got no talent.
None at all.
Well, I'm off to shower.

None at all.
Well, I'm off to shower.
Jean!

Well, I'm off to shower.
Jean!
Doug!

Jean!
Doug!
What?

Doug!
What?
Oh, dinner?

What?
Oh, dinner?
Is it dinner?

Oh, dinner?
Is it dinner?
No!

Is it dinner?
No!
I want to know what you have to

No!
I want to know what you have to
say about this.

I want to know what you have to
say about this.
This is serious.

Say about this.
This is serious.
Oh, come on, jean.

This is serious.
Oh, come on, jean.
I'm a middle-aged man.

Oh, come on, jean.
I'm a middle-aged man.
I'm going through a bit of a

I'm a middle-aged man.
I'm going through a bit of a
phase, okay?

I'm going through a bit of a
phase, okay?
Don't you read your magazines?

Phase, okay?
Don't you read your magazines?
It'll pass.

Don't you read your magazines?
It'll pass.
Well, when?

It'll pass.
Well, when?
Hmm?

Well, when?
Hmm?
Jean, honey, do you know what

Hmm?
Jean, honey, do you know what
I like about you?

Jean, honey, do you know what
I like about you?
My constancy?

I like about you?
My constancy?
No, your patience.

My constancy?
No, your patience.
So don't go losing the one good

No, your patience.
So don't go losing the one good
quality that makes me love you,

So don't go losing the one good
quality that makes me love you,
okay?

Quality that makes me love you,
okay?
I mean, standing here, looking

Okay?
I mean, standing here, looking
at you, I almost feel guilty.

I mean, standing here, looking
at you, I almost feel guilty.
It's that close, baby.

At you, I almost feel guilty.
It's that close, baby.
Aw, he's almost guilty.

It's that close, baby.
Aw, he's almost guilty.
You're gonna put up with

Aw, he's almost guilty.
You're gonna put up with
that?

You're gonna put up with
that?
That's a lot from doug.

That?
That's a lot from doug.
If my louis came home --

That's a lot from doug.
If my louis came home --
excuse me, hildegarde.

If my louis came home --
excuse me, hildegarde.
Yes, doug.

Excuse me, hildegarde.
Yes, doug.
Would it not be fair to say

Yes, doug.
Would it not be fair to say
that over the years, you and I

Would it not be fair to say
that over the years, you and I
have not gotten along

That over the years, you and I
have not gotten along
particularly well?

Have not gotten along
particularly well?
Yes, that would be the case,

Particularly well?
Yes, that would be the case,
doug.

Yes, that would be the case,
doug.
What is the point, doug?

Doug.
What is the point, doug?
Don't you see what's going on

What is the point, doug?
Don't you see what's going on
here, honey?

Don't you see what's going on
here, honey?
No, I don't.

Here, honey?
No, I don't.
Oh, come on.

No, I don't.
Oh, come on.
She's trying to drive a wedge

Oh, come on.
She's trying to drive a wedge
between you and me.

She's trying to drive a wedge
between you and me.
You know why?

Between you and me.
You know why?
Because underneath all that

You know why?
Because underneath all that
hate, she wants me.

Because underneath all that
hate, she wants me.
Ha ha ha ha!

Hate, she wants me.
Ha ha ha ha!
Yes, she does!

Ha ha ha ha!
Yes, she does!
That is a laugh and a half of

Yes, she does!
That is a laugh and a half of
the century.

That is a laugh and a half of
the century.
Oh, you've always wanted

The century.
Oh, you've always wanted
this!

Oh, you've always wanted
this!
You think I'd put my body

This!
You think I'd put my body
next to yours?

You think I'd put my body
next to yours?
She's drooling!

Next to yours?
She's drooling!
You had your chance on prom

She's drooling!
You had your chance on prom
night!

You had your chance on prom
night!
She was all over me.

Night!
She was all over me.
Oh, my god, jean, we were all

She was all over me.
Oh, my god, jean, we were all
so drunk, if you remember, dear.

Oh, my god, jean, we were all
so drunk, if you remember, dear.
That's okay, hildy, but if

So drunk, if you remember, dear.
That's okay, hildy, but if
you could do me a favor and get

That's okay, hildy, but if
you could do me a favor and get
the hell out of my house --

You could do me a favor and get
the hell out of my house --
oh, my god, jean, no!

The hell out of my house --
oh, my god, jean, no!
Could you just get the hell

Oh, my god, jean, no!
Could you just get the hell
out of my house?

Could you just get the hell
out of my house?
Could you leave before I

Out of my house?
Could you leave before I
cold-cock you, hildy?

Could you leave before I
cold-cock you, hildy?
Come on, get out of here!

Cold-cock you, hildy?
Come on, get out of here!
Out of my house!

Come on, get out of here!
Out of my house!
Yankee, go home!

Out of my house!
Yankee, go home!
Yankee, go home!

Yankee, go home!
Yankee, go home!
Yankee, go home!

Yankee, go home!
Yankee, go home!
Yankee...go home!

Yankee, go home!
Yankee...go home!
Oh, shut up.

Yankee...go home!
Oh, shut up.
Well, you think you know who

Oh, shut up.
Well, you think you know who
your friends are, eh, baby?

Well, you think you know who
your friends are, eh, baby?
All right, honey, look.

Your friends are, eh, baby?
All right, honey, look.
I want you to know in a couple

All right, honey, look.
I want you to know in a couple
of minutes, I'm gonna go out to

I want you to know in a couple
of minutes, I'm gonna go out to
the backyard, alone, and I'm

Of minutes, I'm gonna go out to
the backyard, alone, and I'm
gonna burn some motel receipts.

The backyard, alone, and I'm
gonna burn some motel receipts.
I just wouldn't feel right

Gonna burn some motel receipts.
I just wouldn't feel right
deducting them now.

I just wouldn't feel right
deducting them now.
I appreciate that, doug.

Deducting them now.
I appreciate that, doug.
Knew you would, sweetie.

I appreciate that, doug.
Knew you would, sweetie.
So, what's for supper?

Knew you would, sweetie.
So, what's for supper?
Chicken and salad -- back on

So, what's for supper?
Chicken and salad -- back on
my diet.

[ All sighing ]

[ All sighing ]
man, this town is so boring!

[ All sighing ]
man, this town is so boring!
Yeah, everyone seems to be

Man, this town is so boring!
Yeah, everyone seems to be
hanging out and just standing.

Yeah, everyone seems to be
hanging out and just standing.
Yeah, standing around in the

Hanging out and just standing.
Yeah, standing around in the
same, old way.

Yeah, standing around in the
same, old way.
[ All sighing ]

Same, old way.
[ All sighing ]
why can't people stand

[ All sighing ]
why can't people stand
differently?

Why can't people stand
differently?
Yeah!

Differently?
Yeah!
Now we come to the payoff.

Yeah!
Now we come to the payoff.
♪ This town should shut up ♪

Now we come to the payoff.
♪ This town should shut up ♪
♪ this town should wake up ♪

♪ This town should shut up ♪
♪ this town should wake up ♪
♪ this town should get up

♪ This town should wake up ♪
♪ this town should get up
and stand in the new style ♪

♪ This town should get up
and stand in the new style ♪
♪ make your move

And stand in the new style ♪
♪ make your move
hold your pose

♪ Make your move
hold your pose
sitting is out of the question ♪

Hold your pose
sitting is out of the question ♪
♪ if you're hangin' out

Sitting is out of the question ♪
♪ if you're hangin' out
with the crew

♪ If you're hangin' out
with the crew
listen to this here

With the crew
listen to this here
important lesson ♪

Listen to this here
important lesson ♪
♪ do yourself a favor

Important lesson ♪
♪ do yourself a favor
let your feet go wild ♪

♪ Do yourself a favor
let your feet go wild ♪
♪ now it's time

Let your feet go wild ♪
♪ now it's time
to do the right thing

♪ Now it's time
to do the right thing
to get up and stand

To do the right thing
to get up and stand
in the new style ♪

To get up and stand
in the new style ♪
♪ standing...

In the new style ♪
♪ standing...
In the new style ♪

♪ Standing...
In the new style ♪
♪ do the billionaire ♪

In the new style ♪
♪ do the billionaire ♪
♪ new style ♪

♪ Do the billionaire ♪
♪ new style ♪
♪ the whiskey dog ♪

♪ New style ♪
♪ the whiskey dog ♪
♪ new style ♪

♪ The whiskey dog ♪
♪ new style ♪
♪ the scream ♪

♪ New style ♪
♪ the scream ♪
♪ new style ♪

♪ The scream ♪
♪ new style ♪
♪ the lazy girl ♪

♪ New style ♪
♪ the lazy girl ♪
♪ new style ♪

♪ The lazy girl ♪
♪ new style ♪
♪ the noblesse oblige ♪

♪ New style ♪
♪ the noblesse oblige ♪
♪ new style, new style ♪

♪ The noblesse oblige ♪
♪ new style, new style ♪
♪ the cash, grass, or ass

♪ New style, new style ♪
♪ the cash, grass, or ass
no one rides for free ♪

♪ The cash, grass, or ass
no one rides for free ♪
♪ new style ♪

No one rides for free ♪
♪ new style ♪
regular coffee?!

♪ New style ♪
regular coffee?!
Why, I'll cut the barnacles off

Regular coffee?!
Why, I'll cut the barnacles off
the blinkered counter help and

Why, I'll cut the barnacles off
the blinkered counter help and
carve their ankles until they

The blinkered counter help and
carve their ankles until they
scream for mercy!

Carve their ankles until they
scream for mercy!
What was that?

Scream for mercy!
What was that?
♪ That is the new talk ♪

What was that?
♪ That is the new talk ♪
♪ this town should shut up ♪

♪ That is the new talk ♪
♪ this town should shut up ♪
♪ this town should wake up ♪

♪ This town should shut up ♪
♪ this town should wake up ♪
♪ this town should get up

♪ This town should wake up ♪
♪ this town should get up
and talk in the new style ♪

♪ This town should get up
and talk in the new style ♪
♪ now talk in the new style

And talk in the new style ♪
♪ now talk in the new style
like a pirate, like a sea salt

♪ Now talk in the new style
like a pirate, like a sea salt
like a k*ller

Like a pirate, like a sea salt
like a k*ller
a t*rror1st guerrilla

Like a k*ller
a t*rror1st guerrilla
the talk of the new style

A t*rror1st guerrilla
the talk of the new style
and let your feelings show ♪

The talk of the new style
and let your feelings show ♪
♪ and now you know ♪

I tell you, mavis, I'd like

I tell you, mavis, I'd like
to give that bilge-water bitch a

I tell you, mavis, I'd like
to give that bilge-water bitch a
piece of my mind.

To give that bilge-water bitch a
piece of my mind.
Well, I swear by the

Piece of my mind.
Well, I swear by the
gathering thunderclouds that

Well, I swear by the
gathering thunderclouds that
she'll taste my bile before

Gathering thunderclouds that
she'll taste my bile before
payday.

She'll taste my bile before
payday.
[ Laughing like pirates ]

Payday.
[ Laughing like pirates ]
♪ now stand and talk

[ Laughing like pirates ]
♪ now stand and talk
in the new style ♪

♪ Now stand and talk
in the new style ♪
aarrr!

In the new style ♪
aarrr!
Aarrr!

[ Whirring ]

[ Whirring ]
father?

[ Whirring ]
father?
Yes, son?

Father?
Yes, son?
Tell me, father, what of this

Yes, son?
Tell me, father, what of this
place called vegas?

Tell me, father, what of this
place called vegas?
Vegas?

Place called vegas?
Vegas?
Well, vegas is a noun.

Vegas?
Well, vegas is a noun.
Is it a town, or is it a

Well, vegas is a noun.
Is it a town, or is it a
small dog barking in the desert?

Is it a town, or is it a
small dog barking in the desert?
No, las vegas is a town, but

Small dog barking in the desert?
No, las vegas is a town, but
it is not for you to know of,

No, las vegas is a town, but
it is not for you to know of,
for there you will find only men

It is not for you to know of,
for there you will find only men
in cheap suits who drink their

For there you will find only men
in cheap suits who drink their
paychecks and sweat money.

In cheap suits who drink their
paychecks and sweat money.
You do not like this place,

Paychecks and sweat money.
You do not like this place,
father.

You do not like this place,
father.
You are swift, my son.

Father.
You are swift, my son.
I have taught you well.

You are swift, my son.
I have taught you well.
Now away with you.

I have taught you well.
Now away with you.
Father?

Now away with you.
Father?
Yes?

Father?
Yes?
What of the man they call

Yes?
What of the man they call
shecky greene?

What of the man they call
shecky greene?
Shecky greene?!

Shecky greene?
Shecky greene?!
You have been reading my books!

Shecky greene?!
You have been reading my books!
You know the elders forbid it!

You have been reading my books!
You know the elders forbid it!
I know that you were there,

You know the elders forbid it!
I know that you were there,
father.

I know that you were there,
father.
You were in vegas.

Father.
You were in vegas.
They called you something like

You were in vegas.
They called you something like
an "emcee."

They called you something like
an "emcee."
Yes, it is true.

An "emcee."
Yes, it is true.
I was a master of ceremonies

Yes, it is true.
I was a master of ceremonies
there, yes.

I was a master of ceremonies
there, yes.
And they called you not

There, yes.
And they called you not
father but by another, more

And they called you not
father but by another, more
colorful name...johnny go.

Father but by another, more
colorful name...johnny go.
Is this not a picture from that

Colorful name...johnny go.
Is this not a picture from that
time, father?

Is this not a picture from that
time, father?
I will not see this!

Time, father?
I will not see this!
Why, father?

I will not see this!
Why, father?
What happened there?

Why, father?
What happened there?
I was roasted.

What happened there?
I was roasted.
Did it hurt you, daddy?

I was roasted.
Did it hurt you, daddy?
No.

Did it hurt you, daddy?
No.
Roasting was a good thing.

No.
Roasting was a good thing.
Why, on the night of my

Roasting was a good thing.
Why, on the night of my
roasting, many came to sit at

Why, on the night of my
roasting, many came to sit at
the long table.

Roasting, many came to sit at
the long table.
Why, there was the great

The long table.
Why, there was the great
francis albert and dino and a

Why, there was the great
francis albert and dino and a
man who feigned drunkenness most

Francis albert and dino and a
man who feigned drunkenness most
humorously -- an f. Brooks, I

Man who feigned drunkenness most
humorously -- an f. Brooks, I
believe.

Humorously -- an f. Brooks, I
believe.
It was grand until I got up to

Believe.
It was grand until I got up to
speak, and then all that came

It was grand until I got up to
speak, and then all that came
was silence.

Speak, and then all that came
was silence.
Silence is good, no?

Was silence.
Silence is good, no?
Yes, silence is good.

Silence is good, no?
Yes, silence is good.
But funny jokes are even better.

Yes, silence is good.
But funny jokes are even better.
And when they saw that I had

But funny jokes are even better.
And when they saw that I had
none, this man -- this

And when they saw that I had
none, this man -- this
tourist! -- Heckled me.

None, this man -- this
tourist! -- Heckled me.
Hecklers -- I have heard of

Tourist! -- Heckled me.
Hecklers -- I have heard of
this breed.

Hecklers -- I have heard of
this breed.
They lived in trailer parks and

This breed.
They lived in trailer parks and
ate canned peas.

They lived in trailer parks and
ate canned peas.
My own father heckled?

Ate canned peas.
My own father heckled?
Yes.

My own father heckled?
Yes.
I will go to vegas and answer

Yes.
I will go to vegas and answer
the heckle.

I will go to vegas and answer
the heckle.
No!

The heckle.
No!
You must not.

No!
You must not.
You cannot!

You must not.
You cannot!
A heckle is not to be undone.

You cannot!
A heckle is not to be undone.
You are not equipped.

A heckle is not to be undone.
You are not equipped.
Yes, I am equipped.

You are not equipped.
Yes, I am equipped.
I will answer the heckle with my

Yes, I am equipped.
I will answer the heckle with my
act.

I will answer the heckle with my
act.
You have no act!

Act.
You have no act!
Yes, I do, father.

You have no act!
Yes, I do, father.
My jokes are strong and true and

Yes, I do, father.
My jokes are strong and true and
varied in their topicality.

My jokes are strong and true and
varied in their topicality.
Why, my friends find it funny.

Varied in their topicality.
Why, my friends find it funny.
No, no!

Why, my friends find it funny.
No, no!
You do not understand.

No, no!
You do not understand.
The heckle of a child differs

You do not understand.
The heckle of a child differs
greatly from that of a tour

The heckle of a child differs
greatly from that of a tour
group.

Greatly from that of a tour
group.
And, besides, there's --

Group.
And, besides, there's --
no!

And, besides, there's --
no!
Tell me the heckle that sent our

No!
Tell me the heckle that sent our
people here.

Tell me the heckle that sent our
people here.
It is my birthright!

People here.
It is my birthright!
If that is your wish.

It is my birthright!
If that is your wish.
That is my wish.

If that is your wish.
That is my wish.
[ Horn blows ]

That is my wish.
[ Horn blows ]
[ chanting ]

Stand tall.

Stand tall.
Don't pop your "ps."

Stand tall.
Don't pop your "ps."
And, above all, feign the

Don't pop your "ps."
And, above all, feign the
confidence.

And, above all, feign the
confidence.
I am ready.

Confidence.
I am ready.
So...good group.

I am ready.
So...good group.
Have you ever noticed that when

So...good group.
Have you ever noticed that when
you're a young child, there are

Have you ever noticed that when
you're a young child, there are
many things that you do that you

You're a young child, there are
many things that you do that you
wouldn't do when you're older?

Many things that you do that you
wouldn't do when you're older?
For example, you never see an

Wouldn't do when you're older?
For example, you never see an
elder sleep in a cardboard fort.

For example, you never see an
elder sleep in a cardboard fort.
[ Laughs nervously ]

Elder sleep in a cardboard fort.
[ Laughs nervously ]
an even better example is

[ Laughs nervously ]
an even better example is
that --

An even better example is
that --
hey, you there, in

That --
hey, you there, in
midsentence.

Hey, you there, in
midsentence.
I have drunk many beers, and

Midsentence.
I have drunk many beers, and
your act -- it displeases me.

I have drunk many beers, and
your act -- it displeases me.
Well, then, why don't you and

Your act -- it displeases me.
Well, then, why don't you and
your stup-- do I come to your

Well, then, why don't you and
your stup-- do I come to your
chantings and, um, yeah, yeah,

Your stup-- do I come to your
chantings and, um, yeah, yeah,
yeah.

Chantings and, um, yeah, yeah,
yeah.
So you think you're great, eh?

Yeah.
So you think you're great, eh?
And -- and -- and -- and --

So you think you're great, eh?
And -- and -- and -- and --
I have failed.

And -- and -- and -- and --
I have failed.
No, you have not failed.

I have failed.
No, you have not failed.
You have bombed.

No, you have not failed.
You have bombed.
But that is an honorable thing.

You have bombed.
But that is an honorable thing.
It was a difficult heckle, even

But that is an honorable thing.
It was a difficult heckle, even
if it did come from a man with a

It was a difficult heckle, even
if it did come from a man with a
low sperm count.

If it did come from a man with a
low sperm count.
Father, your comeback -- it

Low sperm count.
Father, your comeback -- it
glows.

Father, your comeback -- it
glows.
I wish I'd thought of that

Glows.
I wish I'd thought of that
years ago.

I wish I'd thought of that
years ago.
Forty years ago -- wouldn't

Years ago.
Forty years ago -- wouldn't
we all like to go back there?

Forty years ago -- wouldn't
we all like to go back there?
I hear your words, elder.

We all like to go back there?
I hear your words, elder.
But do you not recall a time

I hear your words, elder.
But do you not recall a time
when I used to express them

But do you not recall a time
when I used to express them
thusly?

When I used to express them
thusly?
♪ When I was young

Thusly?
♪ When I was young
when I was free

♪ When I was young
when I was free
I had a dream

When I was free
I had a dream
or it had me ♪

I had a dream
or it had me ♪
the songs of johnny go!

Or it had me ♪
the songs of johnny go!
Yes, the same.

The songs of johnny go!
Yes, the same.
♪ I could've known... ♪

Hi.

Hi.
As I'm sure you're all aware,

Hi.
As I'm sure you're all aware,
there's a movement amongst

As I'm sure you're all aware,
there's a movement amongst
archeologists to attempt to

There's a movement amongst
archeologists to attempt to
reconcile the biblical account

Archeologists to attempt to
reconcile the biblical account
of history with the

Reconcile the biblical account
of history with the
archeological record.

Of history with the
archeological record.
Now, I'm an intellectually

Archeological record.
Now, I'm an intellectually
curious young man with, let's

Now, I'm an intellectually
curious young man with, let's
face it, no real job.

Curious young man with, let's
face it, no real job.
So I've done some exploring of

Face it, no real job.
So I've done some exploring of
my own in this vein.

So I've done some exploring of
my own in this vein.
The bible tells us that christ

My own in this vein.
The bible tells us that christ
was trained as a carpenter.

The bible tells us that christ
was trained as a carpenter.
But in my most recent digs, I

Was trained as a carpenter.
But in my most recent digs, I
found artifacts that show he was

But in my most recent digs, I
found artifacts that show he was
not a very good carpenter.

Found artifacts that show he was
not a very good carpenter.
This chair, for example -- one

Not a very good carpenter.
This chair, for example -- one
of the legs is significantly

This chair, for example -- one
of the legs is significantly
shorter than the other three.

Of the legs is significantly
shorter than the other three.
This causes a certain degree of

Shorter than the other three.
This causes a certain degree of
wobbling and a more subtle

This causes a certain degree of
wobbling and a more subtle
defect -- no lower-back support.

Wobbling and a more subtle
defect -- no lower-back support.
Over here we have a table.

Defect -- no lower-back support.
Over here we have a table.
Now, this table has only two

Over here we have a table.
Now, this table has only two
legs.

Now, this table has only two
legs.
Now I've conferred with many

Legs.
Now I've conferred with many
leading contemporary carpenters,

Now I've conferred with many
leading contemporary carpenters,
and they all agree that three is

Leading contemporary carpenters,
and they all agree that three is
the bare minimum required for

And they all agree that three is
the bare minimum required for
stability.

The bare minimum required for
stability.
Observe.

Stability.
Observe.
Even taking into account the

Observe.
Even taking into account the
primitive times, this betrays a

Even taking into account the
primitive times, this betrays a
shocking lack of craftsmanship.

Primitive times, this betrays a
shocking lack of craftsmanship.
Now over here we have this.

Shocking lack of craftsmanship.
Now over here we have this.
And, frankly, I have no idea

Now over here we have this.
And, frankly, I have no idea
what this is.

And, frankly, I have no idea
what this is.
For a while, I thought it might

What this is.
For a while, I thought it might
be a spice rack of some sort,

For a while, I thought it might
be a spice rack of some sort,
but watch.

Be a spice rack of some sort,
but watch.
If I take this jar of crushed

But watch.
If I take this jar of crushed
cumin seed and place it here...

If I take this jar of crushed
cumin seed and place it here...
Clearly, if it is a spice rack,

Cumin seed and place it here...
Clearly, if it is a spice rack,
it's not a spice rack of the

Clearly, if it is a spice rack,
it's not a spice rack of the
best ilk.

It's not a spice rack of the
best ilk.
Conclusions -- yes, christ was a

Best ilk.
Conclusions -- yes, christ was a
great philosophical and

Conclusions -- yes, christ was a
great philosophical and
religious leader, perhaps, even

Great philosophical and
religious leader, perhaps, even
as some maintain, the savior or

Religious leader, perhaps, even
as some maintain, the savior or
messiah.

As some maintain, the savior or
messiah.
But it seems clear that he had

Messiah.
But it seems clear that he had
few career options.

But it seems clear that he had
few career options.
As a carpenter, he was

Few career options.
As a carpenter, he was
incompetent.

As a carpenter, he was
incompetent.
He would have been unable even

Incompetent.
He would have been unable even
to construct the simple crucifix

He would have been unable even
to construct the simple crucifix
upon which ultimately he met his

To construct the simple crucifix
upon which ultimately he met his
martyrdom.

Upon which ultimately he met his
martyrdom.
Now I know that these views are

Martyrdom.
Now I know that these views are
going to be controversial, but

Now I know that these views are
going to be controversial, but
I am also aware that if

Going to be controversial, but
I am also aware that if
christina applegate were to

I am also aware that if
christina applegate were to
express them wearing a halter

Christina applegate were to
express them wearing a halter
top, you'd eat it up.

Express them wearing a halter
top, you'd eat it up.
Thanks.

[ Siren wails ]

Can I talk to you about

Can I talk to you about
something?

Can I talk to you about
something?
Sure.

Something?
Sure.
So my daughter's thinking of

Sure.
So my daughter's thinking of
becoming a cop, right?

So my daughter's thinking of
becoming a cop, right?
Mm-hmm.

Becoming a cop, right?
Mm-hmm.
I don't know what to tell

I don't know what to tell
her.
How old is she?

Her.
How old is she?
Seven.

How old is she?
Seven.
I'd tell her to wait.

Seven.
I'd tell her to wait.
You're right.

Wow!

Wow!
Isn't everybody quiet?

Wow!
Isn't everybody quiet?
You all seem so serious.

Isn't everybody quiet?
You all seem so serious.
Come on, we should talk.

You all seem so serious.
Come on, we should talk.
Gerry, why don't you tell us

Come on, we should talk.
Gerry, why don't you tell us
about your week.

Gerry, why don't you tell us
about your week.
It was all right.

About your week.
It was all right.
"It was all right."

It was all right.
"It was all right."
Come on, gerry.

"It was all right."
Come on, gerry.
Share.

Come on, gerry.
Share.
But I hurt so much.

Share.
But I hurt so much.
Aw!

But I hurt so much.
Aw!
We all hurt so much.

Aw!
We all hurt so much.
But I'm not as strong as you

We all hurt so much.
But I'm not as strong as you
guys.

But I'm not as strong as you
guys.
I think I should go.

Guys.
I think I should go.
That would be a mistake,

I think I should go.
That would be a mistake,
gerry, and I think you know it.

That would be a mistake,
gerry, and I think you know it.
But I really have to go to

Gerry, and I think you know it.
But I really have to go to
the bathroom.

But I really have to go to
the bathroom.
We all have to go to the

The bathroom.
We all have to go to the
bathroom, gerry.

We all have to go to the
bathroom, gerry.
But we're not gonna go to the

Bathroom, gerry.
But we're not gonna go to the
bathroom, are we?

But we're not gonna go to the
bathroom, are we?
And why?

Bathroom, are we?
And why?
Because we're not going to be

And why?
Because we're not going to be
tyrannized by our bladders.

Because we're not going to be
tyrannized by our bladders.
All right, all right.

Tyrannized by our bladders.
All right, all right.
Yes, exactly.

All right, all right.
Yes, exactly.
The tyranny of our bladders.

Yes, exactly.
The tyranny of our bladders.
And how much time have we wasted

The tyranny of our bladders.
And how much time have we wasted
as bladder slaves?

And how much time have we wasted
as bladder slaves?
Too much, too much.

As bladder slaves?
Too much, too much.
But from now on we're going to

Too much, too much.
But from now on we're going to
face it, fight it, and win!

But from now on we're going to
face it, fight it, and win!
But we have to talk.

Face it, fight it, and win!
But we have to talk.
We have to help each other out.

But we have to talk.
We have to help each other out.
Come on, come on.

We have to help each other out.
Come on, come on.
But I really think I should

Come on, come on.
But I really think I should
go.

But I really think I should
go.
Well, then, you don't belong

Go.
Well, then, you don't belong
here!

Well, then, you don't belong
here!
Excuse me, tony, but when

Here!
Excuse me, tony, but when
you first came here, you were

Excuse me, tony, but when
you first came here, you were
out of control.

You first came here, you were
out of control.
You were going three or four

Out of control.
You were going three or four
times a day!

You were going three or four
times a day!
Yeah.

Times a day!
Yeah.
Sometimes...first thing in the

Yeah.
Sometimes...first thing in the
morning.

Sometimes...first thing in the
morning.
I can't believe I had a life.

Morning.
I can't believe I had a life.
Yeah, but you're living now,

I can't believe I had a life.
Yeah, but you're living now,
aren't you?

Yeah, but you're living now,
aren't you?
Oh, now.

Aren't you?
Oh, now.
Now I'm living free.

Oh, now.
Now I'm living free.
Living free, yes.

Now I'm living free.
Living free, yes.
Living free, living free.

Living free, yes.
Living free, living free.
Yes.

Living free, living free.
Yes.
Okay, let's talk about our

Yes.
Okay, let's talk about our
substitutes -- what we're doing

Okay, let's talk about our
substitutes -- what we're doing
instead of going.

Substitutes -- what we're doing
instead of going.
Tom, what's your substitute?

Instead of going.
Tom, what's your substitute?
Well, when things get really

Tom, what's your substitute?
Well, when things get really
bad, I like to think of the

Well, when things get really
bad, I like to think of the
ocean.

Bad, I like to think of the
ocean.
Oh!

Ocean.
Oh!
Oh!

Oh!
Oh!
Bad choice, tom.

Oh!
Bad choice, tom.
Bad choice.

Bad choice, tom.
Bad choice.
Bad choice, bad choice.

Bad choice.
Bad choice, bad choice.
Tony, what do you do?

Bad choice, bad choice.
Tony, what do you do?
Well, uh, my divorce keeps me

Tony, what do you do?
Well, uh, my divorce keeps me
pretty busy.

Well, uh, my divorce keeps me
pretty busy.
That's pretty good.

Pretty busy.
That's pretty good.
Works with me, too.

That's pretty good.
Works with me, too.
Really, tony.

Works with me, too.
Really, tony.
Nathan, what's your substitute?

Really, tony.
Nathan, what's your substitute?
Well, uh...

Nathan, what's your substitute?
Well, uh...
Actually...i go.

Well, uh...
Actually...i go.
I've, uh, I've been going.

Actually...i go.
I've, uh, I've been going.
And when did you do this

I've, uh, I've been going.
And when did you do this
last?

And when did you do this
last?
Well, just before the

Last?
Well, just before the
meeting, actually.

Well, just before the
meeting, actually.
Oh!

Meeting, actually.
Oh!
You don't belong here!

Oh!
You don't belong here!
Well, I'm sorry!

You don't belong here!
Well, I'm sorry!
Wow!

Well, I'm sorry!
Wow!
Come on, people.

Wow!
Come on, people.
Think about that car ride.

Come on, people.
Think about that car ride.
This car ride is called life.

Think about that car ride.
This car ride is called life.
And if we want to make good

This car ride is called life.
And if we want to make good
time, we're not gonna pull over.

And if we want to make good
time, we're not gonna pull over.
No.

Time, we're not gonna pull over.
No.
All right, nathan just pulled

No.
All right, nathan just pulled
over.

All right, nathan just pulled
over.
Yeah.

Over.
Yeah.
But we're not gonna pull

Yeah.
But we're not gonna pull
over.

But we're not gonna pull
over.
Right, tom?

Over.
Right, tom?
Yeah.

Right, tom?
Yeah.
Tom, you went?

Yeah.
Tom, you went?
Yeah.

Tom, you went?
Yeah.
How could you?

Yeah.
How could you?
I had to, but it was

How could you?
I had to, but it was
beautiful.

I had to, but it was
beautiful.
And the sound -- as it rang off

Beautiful.
And the sound -- as it rang off
the porcelain -- was like

And the sound -- as it rang off
the porcelain -- was like
church bells.

The porcelain -- was like
church bells.
Church bells ringing on sunday

Church bells.
Church bells ringing on sunday
morn, with me beside my mom in

Church bells ringing on sunday
morn, with me beside my mom in
a big hat.

Morn, with me beside my mom in
a big hat.
Wow.

A big hat.
Wow.
Yeah, wow.

Wow.
Yeah, wow.
Any more surprises?

Yeah, wow.
Any more surprises?
Et tu, tony?

Any more surprises?
Et tu, tony?
Yeah, just last night I was,

Et tu, tony?
Yeah, just last night I was,
uh, having a drinking contest,

Yeah, just last night I was,
uh, having a drinking contest,
and i...i either won or passed

Uh, having a drinking contest,
and i...i either won or passed
out, whatever.

And i...i either won or passed
out, whatever.
When I woke up, uh, this

Out, whatever.
When I woke up, uh, this
morning, I was in a puddle of

When I woke up, uh, this
morning, I was in a puddle of
urine.

Morning, I was in a puddle of
urine.
Now, I mean, it wasn't

Urine.
Now, I mean, it wasn't
necessarily mine.

Now, I mean, it wasn't
necessarily mine.
My theory is that some guy, you

Necessarily mine.
My theory is that some guy, you
know, broke into my trailer,

My theory is that some guy, you
know, broke into my trailer,
squirreled his way in through

Know, broke into my trailer,
squirreled his way in through
the window, went all over me,

Squirreled his way in through
the window, went all over me,
and left.

The window, went all over me,
and left.
I mean, it could have happened,

And left.
I mean, it could have happened,
right?

I mean, it could have happened,
right?
It happened to me.

Right?
It happened to me.
It's happened to me.

It happened to me.
It's happened to me.
Well it never happened to

It's happened to me.
Well it never happened to
me!

Well it never happened to
me!
Oh.

Me!
Oh.
I'm leaving!

Oh.
I'm leaving!
Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!

I'm leaving!
Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!
Listen to me, gerry.

Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!
Listen to me, gerry.
Listen to me.

Listen to me, gerry.
Listen to me.
One more month.

Listen to me.
One more month.
What?!

One more month.
What?!
You're crazy!

What?!
You're crazy!
Am I crazy?

You're crazy!
Am I crazy?
Or am I the sanest person you

Am I crazy?
Or am I the sanest person you
know?

Or am I the sanest person you
know?
[ Laughs maniacally ]

Know?
[ Laughs maniacally ]
a big hat.

[ Laughs maniacally ]
a big hat.
A big hat.

A big hat.
A big hat.
Excuse me.

A big hat.
Excuse me.
Isn't this the men's room?

Excuse me.
Isn't this the men's room?
[ Gasps ]

Isn't this the men's room?
[ Gasps ]
hi.

[ Gasps ]
hi.
What's your name?

Hi.
What's your name?
Andy.

What's your name?
Andy.
Hi, andy.

Andy.
Hi, andy.
Hi, andy.

Hi, andy.
Hi, andy.
Hi, andy.

Hi, andy.
Hi, andy.
Come on in.

Hi, andy.
Come on in.
Come on in, andy.