01x08 - Call of Pewdie

[bunniefuu]

- [screaming]

Damn bloody--
[speaking Swedish]

I'm not having this!

How's it going, bros?
PewDiePie.

You're about to watch me

get the absolute sh*t
scared out of me.

- You're gonna be shot at today.
- What?

This show takes what I
already do--

getting scared
of horror games--

but taking it to the next
level...

Oh, f*ck.

A really f*cked up level.

[screaming]

So if you love watching me
get scared shitless...

Ah, God!

You're gonna love
"Scare PewDiePie."

[haunting music]

[upbeat music]

- Mr. PewDie, come on.
- PewDiePie.

Oh, my God,
Jeff is here.

What the f*ck?

- It's a one-way street.
- No, it's not.

- I have a lot of love
for costumes.

- He has a weapon--
a g*n?

- Rachel said Jeff is to
stay with you guys all day.

I don't care if he's
in the shot,

'cause Felix's safety
is of utmost importance.

- All right.

- Can you please put this on?
Is that--

- If it'll make you quiet,
yeah, I'll put it on.

- I'll put it on you.
I'm security.

If you're lost,
as you've been in the past,

you blow it,
and I'll be there.

[whistle blows]
There you go.

That's exactly
what I want to hear.

- Great, all right.
Let's go.

- What?
- Let's go.

♪ ♪

- All right, here's what
I can tell you.

You're gonna be shot at today.
- What?

- Tonight's is gonna be...
- Oh, come on.

- Pretty insane.

- Will I be in pain?

- Yes.
Oh, yes.

- Jeff, what do you have
to say about this?

- I'll be there.

- Okay, yeah, Jeff,
have you ever fired a g*n?

- Of course I've fired a g*n.

, . caliber,

six-round chamber,
and he was shot

in the lower abdomen.

- Okay, yes.
- All right.

- I think I'm here
for a good reason.

I'm here because of threats.

- What threats?

- There are some threats online.

What I deem, out of six,
a level six.

- Which is not--

But we have a restraining order
against--

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is Nikki doing something?

- She posted something online.

- What did she post?

- She posted a video.

- So that's why Jeff is here?

- Yes.

- Oh, sh*t.
What the f*ck?

- PewDiePie!

Hi, Felix.

I miss you.
- What the f*ck?

- [giggles]
- Okay.

- Is it weird that

I think I'm your penguin.

- "I'm your penguin"?

- It's the best!
[chuckles]

Swedish Fish, how many
can I fit in my mouth?

Can you guess, Felix?

I'll show you in real life.

- This is a level six threat?
- Yeah.

- That threat is the reason
I've been outside your house

the last couple nights.

- Okay, let's go, guys.

- No.

Can't we have the googly eyes?

- No.

This is all for you.
- What the f*ck is this?

What the f*ck is this?
- All for your protection.

- All for my protection.
Yeah, okay.

No, come on.

Kneepads, are you kidding--

- Can we get the baseball bat
to test the knee pads?

- Jeff!

I can't reach the whistle.

What the f*ck are you doing?

- Does that hurt?
- No.

- Remember the safety phrase.
Say it twice.

- Bananas, bananas.
- That's not the safety phrase.

- Is after this the parachute?

- Yes.
- The--

- This is where I leave you.

The next person you hear,
the next voice you will hear

will help you through the game.

- Okay.
- Good luck.

- Damn it, okay.

- I love you.
Stay safe.

- Thanks.
- Okay?

- [shrieks]

- Why?

[sighs]

Hard to breathe
in this f*cking thing.

- Stand by, private.

- Oh, Jesus Christ,
that's loud.

- Remove your blindfold,
private.

- Okay, okay, I'm removing
my blindfold.

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck is this?

Hey, it's my logo.

- Do you know where you are?
- I have no idea.

- You are in a military
installation.

- A milintary
insfallation--installation.

Okay, great.

- We have infiltrated
a deadly military faction

known only as "Barrels."

Your mission is simple.

You must sneak
into their headquarters

and find a clue to bring back
to your home base.

- Well, I'm guessing this--
this thing

has something to do with it.

- You will bring back
three pieces of a clue.

When you connect the pieces,
you will have a code

that will help you escape.

- I already know I'm gonna
fail at this sh*t.

But okay.

Let's give it a go.

- Your mission can be
easy or hard.

- Do I get to pick?

- Private,
I'm gonna ask you a question.

The answer will determine
the alert level of the enemy.

- Ugh, okay.

- Level one: what do you call
the scary monster in "Amnesia"?

- The Bro, easy.
[electronic chime]

Whoo-hoo!

Yes.

- All right, Private Pie.

You get to go through
the easy door.

- Yes!

Awesome.

- That means the enemy
is on low alert.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Look for the symbol
of resistance

and find that clue.

- Okay, symbol of resistance,
find the clue.

I get the easy door.

f*ck yes.

Okay.

- Even though the enemy
is on low-level alert,

they're still out there.

Watch out.

- Find the symbol
down this alleyway.

Don't be seen.

- How many of them are there?

- Proceed with caution.

- Okay, okay.

- Do you see the symbol?

- Open the case.

Oh, sh*t.

How the f*ck do I--
- Are they coming?

- What?

What the f*ck is he on about?

- Remember, this is
the easy level.

- Oh, sh*t.
I got it.

I got it.
Yes, I did something.

Yes, yes.
f*ck yes.

- Okay, okay.

Got the first one.

f*ck yes.

Hmm, what could it be?

I don't know.

Yes.

Nailed that sh*t.

- Question two,
what is the name

of the doctor who you needed
a signature from

in the mental hospital?

- Pfft, are you f*cking
kidding me?

- No one is released until
their paperwork

is signed by Dr. Yates.

- This way to Dr. Yates.

- Yates! Yates!
[yelling]

- Dr. Schwartz.

[buzzer blares]

- The correct answer
is Dr. Yates.

You're going to have to
go through the hard door.

- Okay.

I can do this.

This is for my bros.

I'm guessing I have to
unlock that sh*t later.

Private Pie is going out.

- Remember, the soldiers
will be on high-level alert.

- Don't breathe.

- Proceed with caution.

- What?

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- Get back to base!
Get back to base!

- Holy sh*t.

Okay.

I'm the worst stealther ever.

So there is hope.

Okay, there we go.

That's where that belongs.

- You need one more piece.

- Private Pie is ready.

Give me--give me the news.

- Here's your final question.

What is your safe phrase?

- Are we doing a safe word?

I think we should
do a safe word.

- Yeah, okay.

What are you--
what are you thinking?

- Pineapples.

- Okay, guys,
we're sticking with pineapples.

Feel safer now?
Feel good?

- Yeah, I'm glad
we got a safe word.

[chuckles]

Bananas, bananas.

[buzzer blares]

Okay, that's just great.

Not right.

Fine.
I'm up for a challenge.

- Listen up, Private Pie.

You got to go deeper
into enemy territory

than you've ever gone.
- Holy sh*t.

- You've got to find
the third and final symbol.

- Third and final symbol.

- Hard door,
you know where to go.

- Hard door, got it.

My favorite door.

- Remember, the enemy
will be on high alert.

- They're delivering something.

- You've got to find
the third and final symbol.

- No, I don't.

- It's on the other side
of those barrels.

Stay low.

[cans clanging]

- Find the piece!
Find the piece!

Hide! Hide!

Shut the door!
Shut the door!

- f*ck me.

- Scramble! Scramble!

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- Private P--Private P--

Private Pie, %.

% Private Pie.

, , , --is that the code
to the lock?

This better f*cking work.

Eight...

- We trained you
for this, son.

- You didn't train me sh*t.

Yes! Okay.

What's in here?

No!

Oh, f*ck.

Ah, yeah!

- Remember your mission.

Be ready to take them down.

When you have eliminated
the enemy,

we will rendezvous
at the extraction point.

- That can't be right.

We have heat signatures
on soldiers.

- ? Are you kidding me?

- Don't worry, you can be hit
up to times

before you lose your life.

- ?
Are you f*cking kidding me?

- Why don't you create a
distraction to draw them out?

[can clangs]

- Who threw that can?

- Go, go, go!
- Take him down now!

- Smoke him!
- Get him!

[all talking at once]

- Oh, sh*t.
Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f*ck!

[screaming]

[speaking Swedish]

- Fire back!

- I don't want to fire back!
[squeals]

- Fire back, God damn it!

You got to sh**t them.

- Ha, ha!
Got you, b*tch!

Take that m*therf*ckers!

[expl*si*n booms]

- Reload, reload!

- [squeals]

Ahh!

Whoo!

I'm out.

sh*t, I wasted so many--

Ow! f*cking a*s!

- Remember, their head
is their weak spot.

- Why are you telling me
this now?

[yelling]

Oh!

- If you can make it
to the third symbol,

you can reload.

- [screaming]

[whistle blowing]

Is that the--oh, sh*t.

- How many of them are left?

- Too many, dude.

Too f*cking many.

- No, they've got a grenade!
- sh*t.

sh*t!

[yelling]

- Your health bar is critical!

- Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure--

Ahh!

f*cking a*s!

Got your d*ck!

This is my final seven.

[slo-mo screaming]

[screaming]

I'm gonna use my last G.

This one's for Timmy.

[expl*si*n booms]

This is it for Private Pewds.

Sergeant, I don't think
I'm gonna make it.

I'm out of a*mo.

Tell my subs--
tell the bros--

do it for the--

- Private Pie,
I got good news.

- What?

- You've taken out
the enemy.

They're all dead.

- Really?

Oh.

Well, how about that, b*tches?

- We're gonna help you
find a way out of here.

- I need a medic
for my a*s, dude.

- Go to the green light.

That's your extraction point.

[siren blaring]

They're coming in behind you!

They've triggered the
expl*sives!

Run! Run! Run!

[explosions booming]

- [screaming]

- This way, this way, this way!
- This way.

- Straight, straight,
straight in.

Out, out, out, out, out!

- Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

- What's up?

Central command,
central command.

- They got me in the a*s.

When that happened,
I was like, "I'm done."

I want to see, 'cause I got
hit in the head so many--

oh, Jesus Christ.

Look at this.

[applause]

- Really good job, man,
really good job.

- Want to learn
how to work these weapons?

- Ready to kick some a*s.

- You ready to win?
- f*ck yeah.

- We lost a lot of good men
out there.

- Well, it ain't gonna be me.

- You sure about that?
- Nope.

- Where you from?
- Sweden.

- They have men in Sweden?

- Yes.

We have men in Sweden.