Absent-Minded Professor, The (1961)

[bunniefuu]

Energy takes on many forms.

Example. What do we know

of acoustical energy?

lt was discovered by a famous

scientist, right? Wrong.

We must give credit

to an Italian

who one night was singing an

aria in a Milano pizza parlor.

You know the story.

How he hit a high note and the

sound waves shattered a glass

on the other side of the room?

Watch me, and I will show you

acoustical energy at work.

[ Plays note ]

[ Plays higher note ]

[ Plays higher note ]

[ Plays higher note ]

[ Plays higher note ]

Now, your next assignment

will be...

Oh, I forgot.

There'll be no assignment.

See you next week.

Here we are.

The beginning of the end.

Point of no return.

The last mile.

Now, Shelby.

All right.

"Of all sad words

of tongue and pen,

the saddest are these.

"It might have been."

Shelby, you promised.

Now stop.

Did I promise to

stop loving you?

Open the door and let me out.

Suppose he doesn't

show up this time.

Oh, Reverend,

how nice to see you.

You must be getting

tired of my wedding.

Third time's the charm,

they say.

But I am glad that this time

you brought the bridegroom

with you.

At last we meet,

Professor Brainard.

No, this is Professor Ashton.

He's Romance Languages.

Professor Brainard

is Physical Chemistry.

Oh, dear me, I seem

to have made a mistake.

Not you, sir.

It's Miss Carlisle's mistake.

I've just been trying to

talk her out of this blunder.

Shelby, you are speaking

of the man I love.

Love, darling, is a bouquet

of fragrant hyacinths.

Not a beaker of hydrogen.

Am I right, sir?

I merely perform the service.

I don't take sides.

WOMAN:

Betsy!

Well, well,

here comes the bride.

-Reverend.

-Good evening, sir.

Professor Ashton

from Rutland University.

Aren't you on the wrong campus?

Miss Carlisle invited me.

Yes, yes, I remember.

There was talk that you were

a contender for Betsy's hand.

Rutland can't win them all.

Oh, it was so sweet of you

to go to all this trouble.

And for the third time, too.

Well, you know,

third time's the charm.

That's exactly what I just said.

I'm sick of having

a spinster for a secretary.

I better change.

The guests will be coming soon.

The bridegroom, too, I hope.

I've alerted his housekeeper.

She'll see that he gets here.

[ Humming Wagner's

"Bridal Chorus" ]

# The ring is in

your right-side pocket #

Professor!

Professor Brainard!

[ Humming Wagner's

"Bridal Chorus" ]

# Square root of "E" minus "C,"

alpha "G" #

[ Fluctuating tone ]

No.

No, don't stop.

Don't stop.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Please don't stop.

Oh, not again.

Professor?

# Bum bum-bum-bum #

Time for you to get dressed.

Just five more minutes,

Mrs. Chatsworth.

Professor, well, heavens,

what are you doing?

I'm trying to solve

the secrets of the universe.

And failing.

Failing miserably.

You're stopping.

Do you know what time it is?

You've been working

all afternoon.

Mrs. Chatsworth, I've been

working for three months.

Pardon me.

I've been working on

something very important.

More important, I suppose,

than getting married?

Oh! Mrs. Chatsworth, I don't

know what I'd do without you.

Oh, you're getting

a wonderful girl.

If you ask me,

she's too good for you.

Thanks, Mrs. Chatsworth.

I love you, too.

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll be in

in the morning to feed the dog.

-What's the matter with me?

-Is anything wrong?

What a lunkhead. Instead

of minus, it should be plus.

So, the molecular

configuration of "A"...

...is almost the same

as that of "B."

Therefore, if I don't

worry about "A"

throwing off free hydrogen,

it could stand

a few degrees more centigrade.

Remember, I promised that sweet

girl I'd have you there on time.

Yes, Mrs. Chatsworth.

And, Professor,

may I say happy honeymoon?

You certainly may,

Mrs. Chatsworth.

And the same to you.

Miscalculation has been staring

me in the face for weeks.

Can't see the forest

for the trees.

Right, Charlie?

All right, Charlie.

Cross your fingers.

Now. Good.

Good.

Very good.

182. That's good.

Yes.

Yes.

Now we're cooking, Charlie!

We may be in business yet!

[ Humming Wagner's

"Bridal Chorus" ]

[ Ringing ]

WOMAN: It's just awful.

Poor darling.

What ails the man?

Missing his own wedding

three times.

He might still show up.

You know the old saying.

Third time's the charm.

I say three strikes

and you're out!

Thank you all for coming.

I'll return your presents.

I hope you can get

your money back.

I'm sorry.

After all the trouble

you've gone to.

I'll be at the office at

the usual time in the morning.

l want to go on as if

nothing has happened.

Shelby, I don't seem

to have an escort.

Would you mind waiting?

I'm yours to command.

Oh, Betsy.

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Go back to bed now.

Let's go back to sleep, hmm?

What happened?

What happened?

Well, that's the end of that.

[ Hissing, burbling ]

Get away, Charlie.

Get away, Charlie.

I'm not sure what

we've got here, Charlie,

but if we've got what I think

we've got, we've got something.

There's one way to find out.

Ready?

Yes!

Yes, Charlie!

We've got it!

Do you see?

lt's not going lower and lower.

It's going higher and higher.

You know what that means?

It means just one thing.

It's generating its own energy.

You know what that means,

Charlie?

It means we've discovered

a new kind of energy!

A new kind of energy, Charlie.

It's a breakthrough!

A breakthrough, Charlie!

Discovered. Substance "X."

In appearance, subscribes

to classical requirements

of metastable compound,

but whose behavior

is distinctly nonclassical.

Hypothesis. The application

of an external force

triggers a molecular change,

liberating energy

of a type previously unknown.

I suppose you think

these are just rubber ba*ls.

Or maybe a flying rubber ball.

But you know what

this really is?

Of course you don't.

We just discovered it.

We've got to give it a name.

Let's see.

Flying rubber.

Flying rubber.

Flubber?

All right.

Substance "X."

We dub thee "Flubber."

If Flubber's going

to be of any use,

we've got to control it, right?

So, you take an ordinary

radioactive isotope.

Now a sliding shutter

to let the right amount

of gamma rays through

to bombard the Flubber.

Now, we put it under here

so that we can bombard

the Flubber with gamma rays

to trigger

the molecular change.

Which is more scientific

than kicking it

or bouncing it around the room.

All right.

Here we go.

Eureka!

It works.

Perfect control.

Now we ease off

on the gamma rays.

And back to Earth.

Light as a daisy.

[ Burbling continues ]

Just as I thought.

Just as I thought, Charlie.

Weight makes

absolutely no difference.

Just sh**t up

a few extra gamma rays.

Isn't that wonderful,

Charlie?

Professor!

Are you still here?

What about the wedding?

I can still make it.

It's 5 minutes to 8:00.

Yes, 5 minutes to 8:00.

In the morning.

In the morning?

No.

No, I didn't do it again.

I got to go and see Betsy

and tell her what happened.

I know what you're thinking.

But don't you worry.

Everything's gonna be all right.

When I tell Betsy what I've

done, she's gonna be happy.

Oh. Mrs. Chatsworth.

Don't you tell a soul,

but I've discovered Flubber.

That poor, poor girl.

DAGGETT: Are you sure

it was wise to come in today?

I'm perfectly all right.

Mr. Alonzo Hawk, president of

the Auld Lang Syne loan company,

et cetera, et cetera.

My dear Mr. Hawk...

During the past few days,

I have been disturbed by rumors

that you plan to take our campus

and construct

a housing tract thereon.

Oh, surely he wouldn't.

Not even Mr. Hawk.

Let's hope not, my dear.

The situation requires

delicate handling.

But he's an alumnus.

My dear girl,

our esteemed alumnus

made an extremely large loan

to the college.

That loan is overdue,

and Mr. Hawk has us,

if you'll forgive a pertinent

expression, over a barrel.

However, my dear Mr. Hawk,

I am quite confident

that I can demonstrate

how an extension of your loan

would be in the best interest

to all of us.

I'd like to suggest a meeting

at the earliest opportunity

that would be convenient to you.

I shall make myself available.

BRAINARD:

Psst!

DAGGETT:

However, Mr. Hawk...

Don't be angry. I'm sorry

I missed the wedding again.

Look, I couldn't help it.

DAGGETT: ...of your loan

is in all our best interests.

Go.

Get out of here.

Don't want to see you.

I was working in the laboratory

and had an expl*si*n.

Go.

Get out of here.

I do not want to see you.

I hit my head.

I fell on the floor.

I was knocked out.

Knocked out.

DAGGETT:

I know your heart is with us.

Go. Get out.

Look, the most wonderful

thing happened.

Wait till you hear.

Look.

Flubber.

DAGGETT: I shall make myself

available at any time.

Flubber. Flubber.

DAGGETT:

...of the greatest importance.

No, make that "of the most

supreme importance."

BRAINARD:

Flubber.

Flubber. Flubber.

Flubber. Flubber.

Flubber. Watch.

Oh. Good morning, sir.

I'd like to speak to

Miss Carlisle, if I may.

Betsy, I -- Oh, sir,

I just wanted to tell her

that I'm sorry

I missed the wedding.

I have the most wonderful thing

to tell you.

The most wonderful thing

you can tell me is "goodbye."

In which I heartily concur.

This way.

Just a minute.

If you'd give me a chance,

she'd forgive me.

Anything you say

would be superfluous.

Kindly take your ball and go.

Daggett!

Why, Mr. Hawk.

What a pleasant surprise.

I want a word with you.

I, too, have been wanting

to chat about our loan.

-That'll be all, Brainard.

-Brainard!

Is this the one

you call "Neddy the Nut"?

Yeah, that's right, Pop.

Do you know that this man

flunked my boy?

No, Mr. Hawk.

I welcome this opportunity.

If the teacher and the parent

of the backward student --

Backward?

May I remind you it was Hawk

brains that founded this town?

Hawk brains that built it?

And you have the gall

to say that my boy,

who proudly bears

the name of Hawk, is backward?

I'd just as soon forget --

Will you shut up when I talk?

I wish I could show you

his examination paper.

Not only did he miss

every answer,

he misspelled

the name of the college.

Do you mind?

I'd like to discuss the matter

alone with Mr. Hawk.

ALONZ O:

This means my boy can't play

in the big game tonight

against Rutland.

Where's your school spirit?

Flunking your star player.

I don't think this is a place to

lend a half a million dollars.

We have principles

here at Medfield.

I offered to help Biff.

A makeup exam.

But he couldn't be bothered.

So he's ineligible.

None of your vague promises

about lending money

is going to change that.

Mr. Hawk has already loaned the

money. The school is grateful.

Professor, I rejoice

in your sense of ethics.

But do you mind terribly

if I speak for myself?

-Mr. Hawk.

-Hold it.

I came to have my say,

and I've said it.

Mr. Hawk, a moment of your time.

I'd like to discuss our loan.

You'd like to discuss our loan?

Well, I have an office

downtown for that!

And you might bring some

of those principles of yours

and see how much they're

worth in cold cash!

Come on, Biffer.

Get me the file on wealthy

alumni marked "emergency."

-We have some letters to write.

-Yes, sir.

You've got to let me explain.

Then you'll understand

why I missed the wedding.

All right, go ahead.

I'd like that.

For once I would

really like to understand.

Like most things that

seem complicated,

it was actually quite simple.

I was thinking in terms

of magnetic energy,

when what I was after

was repulsive energy.

Silly. But you know how

you get carried away.

Yes. I know.

If not for this expl*si*n,

I might never have found it.

The application

of thermal energy

to two incompatible

metastable compounds

brought about fusion,

the release of expl*sive gases,

and a residue.

Do you know what

that residue was?

No.

Flubber.

Flubber!

Well, it's been thrilling.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Betsy,

never in my wildest dreams

did I hope to find a compound

whose configuration is such

that the delivery

of energy to its surface

would trigger a change

in the configuration.

This change liberates enormous

quantities of energy.

But they act

in a direction opposite

that of the force

which triggered the change.

We call it repulsive energy.

That's just the way I feel.

Yet strangely enough,

the total effect is transient.

Upon the shutting off

of the energy,

the elemental particles

return to pseudo-equilibrium.

-Isn't that wonderful?

-Yes!

Now that I clearly understand

what happened to my wedding,

will you excuse me?

President Daggett and I

have some important work.

Such as, I hope,

saving the college.

But, Betsy, don't you see?

This can save the college.

It could be worth millions.

Do me a personal favor.

Go bounce your ball

somewhere else.

We'll talk it out tonight.

I'll pick you up for the game.

Well, I guess we shook

them up a little.

Nobody's gonna push us around.

You're kidding, aren't you?

About closing the college

and turning the grounds

into a housing tract?

I'm gonna teach you

some facts of life.

Small college. Like the small

country store, little drugstore.

They're all in the same boat.

They're sinking.

Today is the day of the

supermarkets, the supercolleges.

The little man

is gonna get squashed.

But you graduated from Medfield.

It's your college.

So what do you want?

Some total stranger

to close it down?

Or some loyal, friendly alumnus

to take care of things?

Isn't there something

you could do?

Give them some more time

on the loan or something.

I'm sentimental about

Medfield just like you.

But it's like sh**ting a horse

that has a broken leg.

I want to do it

to put it out of its misery.

Now, if I happen to make

a few extra bucks,

well, that's just something

you're going to have to

learn to accept.

Yes, sir.

Oh, about the game.

Has word gotten around

that you're not playing?

Not that I know of.

Not yet.

Say, Lenny,

see what the point spread

is on the Medfield-Rutland

game tonight.

How much you want to go for?

Whatever the traffic will bear.

8,000 or 1 0,000 bucks.

You're not betting on Medfield.

Without me on the team,

we'll get m*rder*d.

Who said I'm betting

on Medfield?

You're not betting against us?

Son, we have access to

some very valuable information

about that game tonight.

There's a saying.

"It's an ill wind that

doesn't blow a few bucks

into the coffers of the

Auld Lang Syne loan company."

Get the point?

When we pull down

the spark lever,

this shutter opens and

releases the gamma rays.

Up goes the Flubber

and the car.

We pull the gas lever, this

shutter opens, and the car goes.

We press on the brake,

this opens,

and the rays bring the car

to a stop.

lf we open the shutter farther,

the car goes in reverse.

Charlie, suppose we get

a little tired

of just going straight ahead.

So we turn the wheel

to the right,

and we bank to the right.

Turn the wheel to the left,

and we bank to the left.

Well, that's about it,

Charlie.

The important thing

is nobody finds out.

Except Betsy, of course.

So people don't ask questions,

we'll put this under the hood

so it'll sound like a Model T.

That ought to do it, Charlie.

Now all they'll say is,

"Professor, see you finally got

that old collector's item

in running order."

All right, Charlie.

We're all set.

All clear, Charlie.

Now we'll get your safety belt.

Now this side.

Good dog.

Now... sound on.

[ Rattling ]

Lights on.

And gas lever down.

Hang onto your hat, Charlie.

It handles beautifully, Charlie.

We don't need these

up here, do we?

There. That's better.

Now watch this, Charlie.

Not bad, Charlie.

Let's open her up

and see what she'll really do.

Yoo-hoo!

Well, look what we got

down there.

[ Horn blaring ]

Look out, girls.

Here we come.

Look out, Charlie!

Gonna have to watch

where I'm going, huh?

Yeah.

Charlie, I've got an idea.

Why don't we fly over and drop

in on that certain someone?

# Do-do do-do #

# Do-do-do do-do #

# That lovely, adorable

Betsy of mine #

# Oh, won't she be happy,

sweet Betsy of mine #

# When we take her flying,

that Betsy of mine #

# She'll hug me and tell me

she's not really sore #

# That lovely, adorable

Betsy of mine #

Can you imagine what

she'll say when she sees this?

-Was there something you wanted?

-Yes.

I'd like to speak to

Miss Carlisle if you don't mind.

I'm afraid I do, old man.

Miss Carlisle and l

are leaving for the game.

-Ready, dear?

-Yes, Shelby.

-Before you go --

-Excuse us.

Betsy, please come here.

If you don't mind.

I have the most wonderful thing.

Ned, I am trying

not to be angry.

Please, don't make a scene.

Haven't you caused Miss Carlisle

enough embarrassment?

Betsy, it's a surprise.

lt's a sort of wedding present.

Just what every girl

dreams about.

It's not the car, Betsy.

It's what's inside the car.

I can't show it with him around.

Now, would you excuse us?

Betsy!

Betsy, you know what

I was telling you about

this morning in the office

about my discovery?

I want to show you

what I've done with it.

I want you to take one ride

around the block.

Just one little ride, Betsy.

How'd it go?

All the loot's down.

But I had to give them 6 to 1.

Get back on the phone.

See if you can find any more

of that kind of money.

I'm afraid it isn't

Medfield's night.

My dear, victory

isn't everything.

"To love the game

beyond the prize,

to honor while

you strike him down,

the foe that comes

with fearless eyes."

-BRAINARD: Excuse me.

-Oh. Professor.

Pardon me, please.

Late as usual, I see.

Come on, Medfield!

Hate to see you betting

against our team.

This isn't betting.

This is like making it

in the cellar.

Oh, if Biff Hawk

were only playing tonight.

Yes, yes.

I heard he was ineligible.

Now, I wonder who could've

flunked your star player.

We're much more realistic about

things like that at Rutland.

I understand you pay

your players

more than you do your teachers.

That's ridiculous.

I get twice as much as...

I really don't care

to discuss it.

Our poor boys.

They try so hard!

I feel sorry for people who

don't know when they're beaten.

Don't you, Professor?

Now, Shelby, please

don't start anything!

Why doesn't he go down

and sit in the Rutland section?

I'm sorry.

It's not fair!

Our team can't even

reach the ball!

Yes, poor little chaps.

I'd say they need

some kind of a lift.

Why don't they try

elevator heels?

Very funny.

Elevator heels.

Pardon me.

Would you pardon me, please?

There's more than one way

to skin a cat.

She won't ride in my car

with me? Okay.

She won't listen to me.

Okay.

So we're gonna

surprise her, Charlie.

More than that,

we're gonna Flubberghast her.

Boys, what can I say?

I'm proud of you.

They're murdering us.

But I'm proud of you.

Remember, you're

like sons to me.

All of you.

How do you think I feel?

Do you think it's easy sitting,

watching you guys getting

your ears pinned back?

Well, let me tell you this.

I've coached a lot of teams

in my day,

but I've never seen

harder-fighting boys

than you boys right here.

You got heart.

I mean, real heart.

Coach, do we really have to

go back out there?

Look, I know how you feel, son.

But remember this.

A team that won't be beaten...

Well, Professor!

Oh, hello, Coach.

Something the matter?

Maybe something

on your conscience?

No. I just dropped by to see

if there's anything I can do.

I am sorry I had to flunk

Biff. lf that's what you mean.

It's a little late for

apologies, don't you think?

One minute, Coach.

All right.

Get ready.

Starting lineup

same as the first half.

Too bad Biff didn't

keep his grades up.

That's one of those things.

Just remember,

one man doesn't make a team.

And I tell you, you can

go out and beat Rutland.

You can win this game.

Sure we can.

Yes, you can.

Because I know something

about you that you don't know.

They're twice as big, but that

doesn't make any difference now.

They could be 1 0 feet tall.

We could still beat them.

Yes. We could.

You can beat Rutland if

you give it all the drive

and the bounce you've got.

Remember that word "bounce."

Bounce.

And when you bounce,

remember this.

No matter how much you put in,

you're going to get

twice as much out of it.

Now, get out there, fellows,

and hop to it!

Say, what's going on out there?

-What got into 'em?

-I don't know!

Maybe it was that pep talk

Brainard gave them!

-What did he say?

-I wish I could remember!

Go, Medford! Go!

[ Whistle blows ]

Will you listen to me?

There's something fishy

going on!

All right. What?

You tell me!

Well, how do I know?

Something!

What am I supposed to do?

There's nothing that says

one team can't jump higher

than the other!

Time's up! Let's go!

Gosh, Pop. Look at them go!

Look-it!

I'm looking!

Come on, Medfield!

Come on, team!

Come on, Medfield!

Come on, team!

Look at them go!

Aren't they terrific?

Sorry, Pop.

I forgot.

Come on, team!

Hey, what do you know?

Lenny just laid off

5 G's against Medfield.

Against Medfield?

Oh, thank you so much!

You meathead!

Don't you know what's

going on out there?

sh**t, Harper! sh**t!

Go! Go!

We did it!

Sure, we did it!

I did it because

you wouldn't listen.

What do you mean you did it?

You saw the way the boys played.

The reason they could play

like that is my discovery.

Surely you're not taking credit

for Medfield winning?

In a way, yes.

Now I've heard everything.

To watch those boys

out there fighting,

playing their hearts out,

and to hear you taking

the bows for it.

I didn't mean it --

Pretty small, Brainard.

That's all I can say.

Pretty small.

-Come on. Let's go.

-Now, Betsy.

Betsy, wait a minute.

Shelby, please give me

time to think.

Of course, darling.

You can give me your answer

tomorrow night after the dance.

l think I know what it will be.

Good night, my love.

Good night, Shelby.

[ Whistling Wagner's

"Bridal Chorus" ]

You probably thought of me as a

kindly, level-headed professor.

Well, now you see what

a woman can do to you.

I'm a desperate man.

Desperate men

do desperate things.

Lights off.

Sound off.

And up we go.

[ Horn honking ]

Officer! Officer!

Officer, help me!

It's after me! Help me!

I do hope that you will

excuse my appearance.

But I was just having a cup

of boiling-hot coffee.

-But it's after me!

-What's after you?

I don't know.

Some kind of a thing!

A thing?

Can you describe it?

No, I didn't see it.

But it flies.

And it made a noise.

Like aaoooga! Aaooga!

Then it banged down

on the top of my car.

Voom! Voom!

And when I looked,

there wasn't anything!

Ohhhh.

That kind of a thing.

Suppose you blow

into this thing.

We'll see if we can

find where it came from.

Do something!

It's probably lurking in the

dark, ready to spring!

Go on!

Don't worry.

We won't let it get you.

Now, come on, blow, okay?

This is outrageous!

I happen to be Professor Ashton,

head of the English department

at Rutland!

And a very important

person there!

In that case, this ought to be

easy for an English teacher.

Can you say "Peter Piper picked

a peck of pickled peppers"?

Have you gone mad?

Or perhaps you'd prefer

"Round the rugged rock

the ragged rascal ran."

I'll say no such idiotic thing!

We are not being very

cooperative, now, are we?

Come on. Blow into this.

We'd appreciate it.

I'll do no such thing!

Blow.

Blow!

Having trouble, Officer Hanson?

No, just the usual.

We always have 502s

after the Rutland game.

Uh-huh. I didn't know

they were such bad losers.

Brainard, tell these idiots...

Professor, I see you finally got

the Model T in working order.

Yeah. lt took a little fixing.

But here she is.

-[ Burbles ]

-Hey...

Sounds like it could use

a little valve job in there.

You know how it is

with Model T's.

Sometimes you swear they

could run without valves.

Or even without a motor!

-Well, so long, Officer.

-So long, Professor.

Brainard!

Tell them who I am!

Now, you told us who you are.

Suppose we all go

confide in the sergeant, hmm?

You boys are a big comfort.

I take a bath for $ 15,000, and

you can't find what happened!

Maybe they slipped them

some new vitamin pill.

If we can grab one of the boys,

we could give him a test.

ALONZO:

Forget it, will you?

Hi, Pop.

Did you find out anything?

-I sure did.

-What?

lt was Neddy the Nut.

The professor?

Well, what did he do?

-He was in the locker room.

-And then?

Gave the boys a pep talk.

Well, what else?

He just talked to them.

Talked to them?

Is that the...

Will you give me that?

Is that the big news

you had for me?

Well, is it?

That's about the size of it.

Oh, three cheers for you, sonny.

That's an Earth-shattering bit

of information you got there.

Biff! Come here!

Come here!

You see anything?

Just Neddy the Nut

flying his old Model T.

Say that again.

Neddy the Nut

flying his old Model T!

ALONZO:

Yeah!

And that's the genius

you were calling a nut!

Oh, yeah. ln class,

he's been beating our ears

about some new kind of energy.

Says he's looking

for a breakthrough.

Breakthrough?

Have you any idea what

that kind of jazz is worth?

Gentlemen to see you,

Professor.

I can't see anybody now.

What does he want?

Your kind indulgence,

Professor.

Can you find it to forgive

this hot-blooded businessman?

Hot-blooded businessman who

plans to tear down Medfield?

What do you want?

Wonderful things.

Wonderful things for all of us.

Visualize, if you will,

a whole new Medfield College.

10 new buildings

10 stories high.

One building devoted

entirely to science.

Two, if you will?

Three?

How does that sound?

It sounds great.

But just where is all this money

coming from, Mr. Hawk?

From a certain

revolutionary discovery.

What's revolutionary

about a Tin Lizzie?

Nothing.

Unless, of course,

it happens to fly.

Fly?

Like I happened

to see it do last night.

You saw it, huh?

Uh-huh.

Prof, I gotta hand it to you.

Hold it!

Why don't we trust each other?

You're a man of science.

Head in the clouds.

I'm a down-to-Earth,

dollar-and-cents man.

My pop always says

he can smell a buck --

I'll do the talking, son!

That's a good boy.

There's a million angles.

The government.

The space age!

What they wouldn't give

to get their hands

on this little Tin Lizzie.

That's where I come in.

When I get through talking

with them, they'll come crawling

with bags of money.

Barrels of money!

Mr. Hawk,

let me get this straight.

You want me to turn

my discovery over

so you can blackmail

our government?

All right,

look at it this way.

Medfield College

can grow and prosper.

Or it can wither

and die on the vine.

That's entirely up to you.

I see. Mr. Hawk, I want to

thank you for dropping by.

You've made up my mind.

Now you're talking!

I'm calling the President.

Daggett?

He don't cut any ice.

The President

of the United States.

Is that enough ice for you?

Oh, let's not go flying off

in all directions.

Just one direction. Out.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I heartily endorse

our government.

All right. You're lowering

the boom on Medfield.

But don't you try

to come back afterwards.

The iron door is shut!

Well, there goes the ball game.

He'll telephone Washington.

By tomorrow, this place will be

swarming with sharpies.

Supposing you did get

the professor's discovery.

Did you mean

not closing Medfield?

They get that flying jalopy,

there's millions down the drain!

If you did, I've got an idea.

-Quiet. I'm trying to think.

-Switch cars.

That idiot Brainard.

If he could've...

What did you say, son?

Switch cars on him.

There are other

Model T's around.

Yeah, there are,

aren't there, Biffer?

Fellow in Appleton

who's got the same model.

Hold it.

I'm way ahead of you.

Lenny, take

the Appleton turnoff.

Hey, you know something?

You're all right, son.

Course, you got a little

of your mother in you.

Actually, well,

you're just me all over again!

Yes, sir!

You're all right!

I can assure you the President

is interested in any development

which might have to do

with our national welfare.

May I inquire as to

the nature of your discovery?

Flubber?

Yes, that does

sound significant.

Now, if I only knew which

branch of the government

might best be served

by your discovery?

Any branch.

You name it.

Transportation. lndustry.

Agriculture.

Agriculture?

Good.

Oh, don't cut me off.

Agriculture Department.

Sam Wheeler speaking.

Splendid.

Mmm. I see.

How do you figure

this can help the farmer?

I don't want to help

the farmer.

I want to help everybody!

Don't you understand?

What possibilities do you think

this might have as a fertilizer?

Fertilizer?

Don't you people understand

how vital this thing is?

It's not only agriculture.

It's industry.

It's national defense.

Oh, national defense.

National defense.

Before we go further,

I just want you to know

that I am proud of the new

spirit of cooperation

between the Army, the Navy,

and the Air Force.

Even the newspapers

are talking about it.

There never was any

difference between us.

Just newspaper guff

in the first place.

There's a Professor Brainard

on the phone from Medfield.

I don't know any

Professor Brainard.

Tell him to write me.

He might have some connection

with Congressman Brainard.

Brainard swings a lot of lead.

He's always been

very friendly to us.

Very well.

Hello?

Well, how are you,

Professor?

What can we do for you?

Oh, you have, eh?

Why, that's amazing.

Sort of antigravity.

Well, well.

And you think

it's a breakthrough?

Looks like you don't need

all that appropriation money.

Got a fellow said he cracked

the antigravity problem

in his own garage.

Ridiculous.

MAN:

Another crackpot.

Army's been doing

antigravity research for years.

Hasn't come up with

anything significant.

Oh, yes.

Yes, Professor.

I'm listening.

Yes, Professor.

Yes, yes.

I realize it's urgent.

So many things are these days.

Oh? You want to come

down here to Washington?

Well, now, I don't

know about that.

We'd love to see you,

of course.

Alert my pilot to standby.

Yes, but we're all busy

as bird dogs around here.

I tell you what, Professor.

Why don't you write us

a nice, short letter?

Tell us all about it.

Right. And keep up

the good work, Professor.

Call us any time.

Oh, better still,

we'll call you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

They won't listen.

Betsy won't listen.

Hawk is the only one

that will believe me.

Professor?

Come in, Mrs. Chatsworth.

There you are. Sponged and

pressed for the dance tonight.

Thank you. But I won't

be going to the dance.

Oh, no. You're not letting that

sweet girl go with someone else?

That sweet girl has kicked me

out of her life.

What are you gonna do?

Stay home, talk to the dog?

Mrs. Chatsworth,

don't turn against me.

Professor, may I say something?

I'd rather you wouldn't.

Not just now.

All right.

Do as you please.

Go with your head

in the clouds

and your nose poked places

it doesn't belong.

Go ahead, like I said.

Unlock the secrets

of the universe.

But remember this.

The universe is millions

and millions of years old.

lt can wait a little.

But girls can't wait.

Mrs. Chatsworth,

I'm not going --

One day, a girl simply says

to herself, "That's enough.

I'll just marry the next man

that comes along."

And she does.

-Mrs. Chatsworth --

-If I were in your shoes,

I'd stop that smashing

or mashing the atom

or whatever it is you're doing,

and l'd go to that dance.

Why? Betsy won't

even look at me.

Don't they have those numbers

where you tap the dancers

on the shoulders?

Yes, I suppose.

Well, then,

you walk up to that Shelby,

tap him on the shoulder,

then when he turns.

I'll punch him.

Good.

No, that wouldn't be civilized.

Well, for goodness sake,

grab the girl in your arms,

hold her tight, and dance

her off into the night.

Show him up.

Show up Shelby Ashton?

"The Ballroom Beast"?

He's the best dancer

around here.

I dance like

a sleepwalking chimpanzee.

But even a chimpanzee

will fight for its mate.

I told you he'd turn up

here tonight.

# And sink the Army,

sink the Army gray #

Taxi!

You boys get right in.

I'm the only taxi.

I'm pulling right out.

Where to?

TOGETHER:

Professor Brainard's house.

What are you doing?

Even a chimpanzee

fights for his mate.

Aah!

Let me go.

People are looking!

Good.

Let's not disappoint them.

Must have given

himself a pep talk.

Maybe you can learn something.

Go, Prof! Go!

We ought to do this more often.

Oh, Ned!

# He flies through the air

with the greatest of ease #

# The daring young man

on the flying trapeze #

I wonder what's going on.

Let's go see.

We've had enough fun

for one night.

On second thought,

maybe the fun's just beginning!

l beg your pardon.

-Are you from Washington?

-We are.

Are you looking for Professor...

TOGETHER:

Brainard?

Oh, I'm afraid that's not me.

There's your man.

This is a surprise, your coming

all the way from Washington.

Here we are.

Get right in, gentlemen.

Get right in the car, please.

Admiral? General?

Now, I realize that military

technology has progressed

far beyond the Model T.

-Of course.

-I want you to understand.

I'm using it

as a security measure.

What better place to hide my

discovery than in a Model T?

I want you to keep in mind

that this is only a primitive

application of my discovery.

We use this spark lever here

to levitate,

the gas lever to move forward,

and the brake to stop

or to go in reverse.

Absolute control at all times,

as you will see.

All right, get a good,

tight grip on your emotions

and prepare for takeoff.

Cool head.

A steady hand.

And up we go!

Well, if at first

you don't succeed.

Then what?

Try again.

Well, surely you gentlemen

understand this sort of thing.

The first time you tried to

launch a rocket, it didn't...

...go up.

It's probably just a short

in the control mechanism.

I'm sorry about this delay.

We'll have this

in the air in a minute.

This is some kind of a joke.

-I want to see what's in there.

-Just a minute.

Somebody's just playing

a practical joke!

I'm not laughing.

Just a minute, gentlemen!

Look, gentlemen, wait.

Please.

Nice going.

That was rich

about the squirrel.

A real Hawk touch.

Kind of a mean trick to play.

We're doing him a favor.

You'll see.

Well, I think we've cleared

the air on one point.

What's that?

With what's happened,

I'm sure there's no doubt

about you and Ned Brainard.

No.

None whatsoever.

As the Bard says,

"That he is mad, 'tis true;

'tis true 'tis pity;

and pity 'tis 'tis true."

Oh, shut up!

If that's what she

thinks of Shakespeare...

Ned?

If you've come out to gloat,

I can do without that.

I'm not gloating.

I know what you're thinking.

That I'm a fraud. That l'm

really losing my marbles.

Are you sure you're all right?

I solemnly swear to you,

I have flown this car.

Oh, don't, darling.

I'll take you home.

-You get a good night's rest.

-Betsy...

Wait a minute.

Why didn't I think

to show this to them?

I got so upset when the car

wouldn't fly. Here.

Take this.

Now hold it out.

Now drop it.

Flubber!

That's how I was able

to bounce around.

That's how we won the game.

This is what makes the car fly.

Are you sure you actually

made that car fly?

This very car.

No.

No. I take that back.

Well, did you or didn't you?

This isn't my car, Betsy.

My car had a radio in it.

Somebody switched cars on me.

-Hawk.

-Hawk?

Alonzo Hawk.

He saw me flying the car.

He came to make a deal.

I turned him down.

He stole my car.

Are you sure?

Will you stop saying that?

I'm sure.

Please believe me.

We've got to get that car.

In the hands of Hawk...

I believe you.

If we could figure out

some way to...

You what?

I believe you.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Betsy.

I'm glad to see you came

around to my way of thinking.

I'm with you 1 00%, Mr. Hawk.

I know. But we were discussing

the Model T.

What's with these shoes?

Flubber, Mr. Hawk.

When you wear these shoes,

you'll have a spring

in your step.

You live life to the fullest.

When the time comes to

shuffle off this mortal coil,

you won't shuffle.

You'll go out with a hop, a

skip, and a song in your heart.

I still don't get it.

What about the Model T?

BETSY: Well, Mr. Hawk,

surely you can see the point.

Why, shoes are 1 0 times

more valuable than a flying car.

-How come?

-Well, figure it out.

Only 8% of the world's

population buy cars.

Practically everybody

buys shoes.

She's right.

Sure, she's right.

Now, take it easy, Mr. Hawk.

I'll show you how

the Flubber works.

Just tap your heel on the floor.

You see?

-Yeah.

-All right.

I don't know if

I can hold my balance.

It just takes a little

getting used to.

Why, Ned's crazy about his.

Aren't you, dear?

Yes, I certainly am.

I can't tell you

the lift I've gotten.

Now, just jump up

and down, Mr. Hawk.

-Up and down?

-Uh-huh.

There we go!

There we go!

Mr. Hawk, I think that's

high enough for right now.

Oh, Betsy.

Hold him down!

ALONZO:

That's fantastic!

Hold him down, Betsy.

There we are.

Wasn't that wonderful?

-Wonderful. Why did you stop?

-To talk.

We know you're interested

in more than money.

-Surely you are.

-I am? What?

Humanity, Mr. Hawk.

You can save lives

with these shoes.

Of course you can.

Now, suppose.

Just suppose.

There's a fire.

A raging fire.

The stairs are an inferno.

The smoke is billowing.

We're trapped!

Help! Help! Help!

The flames are creeping

closer and closer.

Oh, no, no, no!

I can't stand it any longer!

Geronimo!

My boy!

Nothing to it, Mr. Hawk.

Why, that's amazing!

Your turn, Mr. Hawk.

Oh, now, just a minute.

Oh, it's fun, Mr. Hawk.

Go ahead!

You'll land light as a thistle.

I promise you.

Well, I don't know.

Let me put it this way.

I wouldn't want a partner

who doesn't have faith

in his product.

You better do it.

He's very fussy

about things like that.

Nobody's been able

to call me a coward.

I should say not, Mr. Hawk.

Come on down, Mr. Hawk!

One, two...

-I changed my mind.

-Three!

Help!

Whee!

Hey, look!

Look!

I'm doing it!

Sure you are, Mr. Hawk.

Put a little more spring

into it.

See how simple it is?

Flex your knees.

That's right.

Look at Mr. Hawk, dear.

Isn't he doing well?

ALONZO:

This is marvelous!

Brainard,

we've got something here.

Sure we have, Mr. Hawk.

Okay, I'm sold!

Now, how do I stop?

What did he say?

-I can't quite catch it.

-I can't either!

I said, tell me how to stop!

You can tell me something.

What have you done with my car?

You tricked me!

That's right, Mr. Hawk.

Now, where is it?

Where did you hide it?

In my warehouse!

-In his warehouse!

-Thanks, Mr. Hawk!

Hey, how do I stop?

Happy landing, Mr. Hawk!

Wait! Don't go!

Professor Brainard!

Come back!

Don't leave me! Wait!

Don't go! Biff!

Biff, where are you?

It's your father calling!

Huh?

Biff! Son!

Wake up! Get out of bed!

Help your father!

Hey, that's pretty neat, Pop.

How do you do that?

Well, don't just lie there,

you nitwit!

Get some somebody!

Get the fire department!

Don't blow a gasket.

Stop me!

Help!

I don't get it.

Why we got to sit around

watching that crummy car?

'Cause Hawk says so, that's why.

You figure he knows

what he's doing?

Fisheye didn't pile up

that loot by being stupid,

you know what I mean?

Here I go.

Up we go.

No. I got to go up higher.

No.

There we are.

Looks like people

got behind in their payments.

Dear sweet Mr. Hawk.

Shh.

Lenny?

Yeah, what?

Do you hear noises?

Like what kind of noises?

Sort of like a...

...a harp.

Now, let's see.

No, no, no, no!

Betsy, put it down.

Down.

Down?

Easy. Easy.

There.

No, no.

No.

You'd better take my shoe off.

I can't get the knot undone.

Oh! My nail!

Shh.

Maybe I can help you.

[ Note plays ]

There it goes again.

You remember Feisty McKenna?

Only with him,

it wasn't harp noises.

He kept hearing birdcalls.

Easy, easy, easy.

Now, easy.

Okay.

Well.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Mr. Hawk!

This is the

fire chief speaking!

We'll have everything under

control in just a moment.

Now, Mr. Hawk, try to relax.

Relax?

How can I relax, you fathead?

Mary Lou,

I wish you'd come over.

Pop's putting on a great show.

They're bringing in a net.

Make way. Come on.

Come down sitting.

Not feet first!

The net didn't work

so well, Mary Lou.

I told you we needed a new one.

You told me?

What do you think I've

been telling the council?

How am I supposed to buy a net

without an appropriation?

Don't get hot.

I only mentioned it.

You just keep the kinks

out of the fire hose.

That's all I want from you.

I'm the chief.

Sure! Come on over, Millie!

You should see it.

Don't worry, Mr. Hawk.

We'll take care of you.

No, don't do it!

No!

Ow!

Personally,

I'm a dry-fly man, myself.

Royal Coachman.

-Take it easy.

-Yeah, I got him.

Biff! Help me!

Do something

before they k*ll me!

Coach, I know you're

in spring practice.

But it's a matter

of life and death!

[ Squeaking ]

That ain't no birdcall.

Well, look who's here.

It's the professor.

It wasn't smart

breaking in like that.

Well, I didn't exactly break in.

Of course, as you can see,

I'm trying to break out.

Careful, boys.

Look!

What happened, boys?

You missed me?

Here I am!

Now, take it easy, boys.

Take it easy.

Don't crowd me!

Don't want to get tough

with you again.

Barrel-fresh hot doggies!

They're a foot long!

Get your hot doggies!

Right this way!

Here we are, folks.

Hot dogs.

And you called the police?

Certainly. I was getting

ready to take a bath.

I saw this face

flashing past the window.

How did I know

the poor man was in trouble?

Back!

Well, sir, I calculate he

gains about 1 8 inches to bounce.

And your opinion is?

About 7:00 tonight, he's gonna

be in serious trouble.

Gosh. My father never

does anything like that.

For a parent, he's way out!

Excuse me, excuse me.

This way, fellas.

Son! What are you

going to do to me?

One, two...

Biff! I'm your father!

Please!

Hike!

Pop!

Are you all right, Pop?

And why wouldn't I be?

The warehouse!

Oh, no. Once more,

and we'd have had it open.

You're not gonna

give up this easily.

It's just a bump on the head.

That's it. Come on.

What would Mr. Hawk say?

Come on, let's get on our feet.

On with the fight. Come on.

Here. Try this.

Oh. Thank you, dear.

That did it. Better get

back in the car, Betsy.

All right, come on,

you cut-rate gorillas!

-Hit him high this time.

-Got you.

Okay, Mr. Jumping Jack.

Look out!

Ned!

Corners beautifully,

doesn't it?

Ned, look!

Here they come!

Come on, you guys!

Get in the car! Hurry up!

To think I always thought of you

as a nice, easygoing

college professor.

-Betsy?

-Mm-hmm?

No. This is hardly the time

to say what I was going to say.

Never mind.

Go ahead. Say it.

-Well...

-[ g*nsh*t ]

What do you know?

They want to play rough.

Here. Give me that thing!

You can't do that, Pop!

We gotta show this nut

we mean business!

Well, looky there.

A police car.

Well, well, well.

They've been asking for it.

Asking for what?

The Shelby Stomp.

It's Brainard!

-Faster, son!

-I've got it down to the floor!

-Hold it!

-All right!

All right, you birds!

Get your hands

on the top of that car.

Now, this is ridiculous!

Do you realize who I am?

Yeah. You're the guy that had

this hot p*stol in his mitt.

I'm Alonzo P. Hawk,

president of the Auld Lang Syne

finance company!

Isn't it a small world?

Why, of course I remember you.

Well, that's better.

Sure, you're the outfit

that repossessed

my electric icebox last year.

Well, Officer Hanson!

Sorry, but can you tell me

the shortest way

to Washington, D.C.?

Sure, Professor.

Down the block to the

intersection, left, Highway 9.

No, I mean as the crow flies.

Oh! That way.

Due East.

Thanks.

Officer, stop that man!

He's flying off with millions

of dollars that belong to me!

Mr. Hawk, surely you're not

accusing dear, old Professor...

I have an unknown approaching

Washington prohibited zone.

Heading 0-6-8.

Angels 1.5.

Speed 45 knots.

45 knots?

Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

Hello, Bird Farm?

This is Flag Down.

Scramble the 5-minute birds.

[ Alarm blaring ]

MAN ON P.A.:

Attention, attention.

Scramble Bird Dog flight.

Scramble Bird Dog flight.

Vector 2-7-0.

Vector 2-7-0.

Go gate to angels 1.5.

Angels 1.5.

It's so lovely

and peaceful up here.

As though we're the only

people in the world.

Well, aren't we?

Ned.

Ned!

Did you see what I saw?

-I hope not!

-Let's run that again.

Roger.

Here they come again!

Let's get out of here!

Hello, Flag Down.

This is Bird Dog Leader.

I have a visual on that bogey.

Well, speak up, man.

What is it?

I don't think you're

going to like this, sir.

What's the matter?

Give me that bogey report!

It's a Model T, sir.

A what?

A Model T Touring Car.

Only it's flying!

Bird Dog Leader,

I suggest for your own sake

that you take another look.

I can't, sir.

It's gone into a cloud.

And it won't come out!

What's the procedure, sir?

I think I'll let

the colonel handle this one.

Yes, Flag Down?

Well, go on, Captain.

Go on.

A flying what?

Cut the clowning Flag Down.

The C.O.'s here.

-What's going on, Colonel?

-Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

It's Flag Down.

Just a question of procedure.

Give me that.

What's all this?

Don't you know your job, man?

Don't interrupt me.

It might interest you to know

the general staff has worked out

exact procedure

for every possible situation.

There's nothing could happen --

A flying what?

-Looks like they've gone.

-Good.

Can we get out of here now?

This is ruining my hairset.

Darling, you never looked

more beautiful.

Gentlemen.

It's quite simple, really.

Obviously, a Model T cannot fly.

It must be something

disguised as a Model T.

I am declaring

a Condition Yellow.

Let's move, Colonel.

How lovely it is.

Makes you feel proud,

doesn't it?

Washington's a great city.

There's something for everyone.

Look at all those people

down there!

I think they're staring at us.

BRAINARD:

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

I can't hear what

they're yelling.

Hi, down there!

Oh, Ned!

Look out!

Kind of hits you between

the eyes, doesn't it?

Look!

There's Grant's Tomb.

I think Grant's Tomb

is in New York, dear.

I believe that's

the Jefferson Memorial.

You mean Monticello?

Betsy, I think there's

a map in the side pocket.

Will you see if you

can find the Pentagon?

It has five sides

and a big parking lot.

I doubt if it's on here, dear.

This map is from the year 1 9 1 7.

Hmm? Oh!

Well.

Oh, there's the Capitol!

Won't that do?

The Capitol.

When you think of all

the history made there.

Now, don't forget, you're

making history right now.

Oh, you think so?

I hope they don't make a fuss.

MAN ON RADIO: We interrupt to

bring you an emergency bulletin.

This is the commanding officer,

Sector Air Defense,

speaking on all commercial

and military wavelengths.

Attention!

An unidentified flying object

is over the city.

I don't see anything.

No. Nothing up here but us.

COMMANDING OFFICER:

Every defensive m*ssile

-in the area

-Us!

is trained on the flying object.

If it does not identify itself,

it will be shot down

immediately.

They wouldn't dare!

Oh, yes.

Yes, they'd dare.

COMMANDING OFFICER:

This is your last warning.

Identify yourself

or we will open fire.

Ready at Fort Mead?

m*ssile batteries

locked on target, sir.

Repeat!

Are you listening,

unidentified flying object?

We are waiting

for your response!

I am responding!

I'm Professor Brainard!

At the count of 10,

we open fire.

Don't bother to count, general!

I'm an American!

See? My credit cards!

Three...

Four...

Wait!

You're not gonna

stand for that, are you?

Five...

Yes.

Six...

Seven...

Sir, Fort Mead reports he's

gone behind the Capitol dome.

-Eight...

-Congress is in session.

If you fire, we might lose every

senator and congressman.

Nine...

And they've just put

a new front on the building.

Hold your fire.

Well, why try

to pass the buck to me?

Just because it looks like a...

What?

Well, I don't care

if it is a Model T!

sh**t it down!

Right, right.

And if you happen to see

a Stutz Bearcat

or a Pope-Toledo

flying over the Capitol,

sh**t them down, too.

As a personal favor,

won't you please

identify yourself?

Professor, this is the admiral.

Proceed to Anacostia

Naval Air Station.

This is General Singer.

You fly to Bolling

Air Force Base.

This is the Army.

Report to Fort Myer.

-Anacostia Naval Air Station!

-Bolling Air Force Base!

-Bolling Air Force Base!

-Fort Myer!

Now hear this!

Anacostia.

They had their chance.

I'm not gonna fool around.

What are you doing?

We're going to land.

On that big patch of green lawn.

-Oh, Ned. Not there, please!

-Why not?

Well, my hair is a mess!

And I haven't a thing to wear!

Anybody home?

Ned!

Professor, what did

the president have to say?

Well --

The president, devoted

to the advance of science,

has embraced the discovery

of Flubber with enthusiasm.

Professor, what branch

of the services

will be given control

of your new discovery?

Well --

All will share alike.

In our opinion,

Flubber will only cement

the great traditional ties

of interservice cooperation.

Professor, with this great

breakthrough in science,

do you feel you still have

other worlds to conquer?

I do.

Just so there's

no doubt about it,

would you mind repeating that?

I do.

With pleasure, and a deep

sense of accomplishment,

I now pronounce you

man and wife.

TOGETHER: Firecracker!

Firecracker! Sis-boom-bah!

Medfield! Medfield!

Rah, rah, rah!

Goodbye, Betsy!

Good luck!