02x03 - Out West/Rubber Nipple Salesmen

[bunniefuu]

( narrator )
Come back with us now
to those bygone days,

when the west was
brutal, untamed and lawless.

It took a special breed of man
to tame this country.

Men with
eyes like eagles,

reflexes like a rattler,

and the keen ruthless wits
of a panther on the prowl.

We's awful ignorant,
ain't we, Ewalt ?

And plumb
proud of it, Abner.

Ewalt ?

Yeah, Abner ?

What's ignorant mean ?

Danged if'n I know,
but we's it.

He he he he...
he he he he...

( snorting )

He he.

Hey, I'm bored.

You're smart enough
to be bored ?

Hey, watch
your dirty mouth !

( sighs )
So, what are
we gonna do today ?

Let's us hang somebody.

Yeah !

We ain't hanged nobody
in a long dang time.

Yeah...

Ewalt,
who we gonna hang ?

Mmm, how's about...
old lady crenshaw !

Yeah, yeah--

nah, we hanged her
yesterday.

Well, heck, we done just about
hanged everybody in town.

Hmm...

y'know, maybe we ought to hang
somebody that deserves it.

Ewww...

fooo...

( register dings )

I got it !

Let's hire us some
villains to hang.

Yeah, villains !

What are villains ?

I don't know !

( dopey sounds )

From out of
the long desert shadows,

ride two dangerous
desperados.

Three-fingered Hoek,

and his faithful sidekick,
stupid, the kid.

Duh, hello.

Onward they ride.

Raw, tough,
desperate...

small.

Hey, Stimpy, let's go down to
that little one-horse town

and see if we can
pick up some odd jobs,

pillaging and looting.

Pillage, pillage,
pillage.

Loot, loot, loot.

( Ren )
"Villins wanted."

( rings doorbell )

Excuse us,
Mr. Sheriff.

You needn't look
any further,

for it is we
who are your villains.

( ticking )

( "Jeopardy"-like theme )

Hmm...

oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh...

say, why don't you fellers
mosey over to my place

and steal my horse ?

'Cause there is nothing worse
than a horse thief.

Oop !

He he he he.

( horse neighing
& trotting )

Here is your horse
that we have stolen.

Gawd, Abner !

That's the ugliest
horse ever I did see.

( braying )

Hey, that's no horse.

That's my wife !

( coyote howl )

Ah, you boys
can keep her.

Just remember to brush her
and feed her twice today.

♪ She'll be driving six white
horses when she comes ♪

hey, Ren, he reminds me
of your uncle Eddie.

And why is that ?

'Cause he's
big and stinky.

Hey, you shouldn't say
mean things like that.

Did you ever consider that
this horse might have feelings ?

Now let's
steal that horse.

Yee-haw !
Whoopee !

( hooting )

( grunts )

So, it's the old steal-the-horse
bit again, is it ?

All right,
let's do it.

If we have to.

( flies buzzing )

( sloshing )

Hey, boss.

These guys just
stole me and...

well, sir,
I don't like it.

( "Jeopardy"-like theme )

They're horse thieves,
you morons !

Horse thieves !
Horse thieves !

Hang 'em !
Hang 'em !

( birds screeching )

( sniffling )
Hey, Stimpy,

I have a little
confession to make.

At night,
while you're asleep--

( sniffling )

I polish my boots
with your tongue.

That's okay, Ren,
I wasn't really asleep.

Ewalt,
would you be so kind

as to hang these
two young fellers ?

Hey, we can't
hang those guys.

The scrawny one don't
weigh enough

and the fat one
ain't got no neck.

Oh, who we
gonna hang now ?

I guess well have to
hang each other.

Ah !
Ah !

There's only one thing that
we like more than hangin'.

And that's
singin' and dancin'.

Come on, everybody,
let's have a hoedown.

( all )
♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ the lord loves a hangin'
that's why he give us necks ♪

♪ it tightens up
our vocal cords ♪

♪ and loosens up
our pecs ♪

♪ so if you are a horse thief
and guilty to the bone ♪

♪ go ahead and blame a friend
and you won't hang alone ♪

♪ it may be hard to swaller ♪

♪ but you'll be
three feet taller ♪

♪ and find new ways to
entertain your friends ♪

♪ you say you are a villain
but can't abide by killin' ♪

♪ go ahead and
steal yourself a horse ♪

2, 3, 11, "r", 5...

sing it, boys.

Ah-ha !

I'm a-pickin'.

And I'm a-swingin'.

I'm ignorant.

And I'm ugly.

( Stimpy )
That you are, boys.

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ the lord loves a hangin'
and so do we, by heck ♪

♪ so get yourself a lasso
and decorate your neck ♪

♪ oh, we is awful ignorant
and uglier than sin ♪

♪ so go ahead
and cut us down... ♪

♪ and hang us all again ♪

you...

hang him,
that is.

Swing a spell.

Yeeee-haw !

( music box
playing lullaby )

You know, Stimpy,

with your invention
and my savvy,

we'll corner
the rubber nipple market.

We'll be millionaires !

We'll rule
the world !!

Tsk, Ren !

I am not in this
for financial gain.

I have a dream...

I believe...
one day that everyone...

everywhere...

will know the wonders
of my n*pples.

Fine !

You keep your dream,
and I'll keep the money.

( tearing )

( pop )

Now shut up
and drive !

I'm driving !
I'm driving !

( lullaby playing )

( tires screech )

I can hardly
contain myself !

Just where do you
think you're going ?

Duh, I was gonna sell
some rubber n*pples.

You don't know
how to sell anything !

You can't even
whiz by yourself !

Now, stand back and watch
a real salesman at work.

Duh, okay, Ren.

( door opens )

Aaaaah !

I've had it
up to here !!

With the likes
of you people !

Whoops.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were A...

( whispering )
Circus m*dget.

I have a new dream,
Ren.

What's your dream ?

That some day...

that I will be
as good a salesman...

as you, Ren.

Now shut up and let me
do the talking !

( locks unlocking )

Do I know you ?

I don't think so.

Would you like
to take a look

at some fine
rubber n*pples ?

Did my wife send you ?

No, sir.

But you look like someone
who could really use

some rubber n*pples.

How do I know you're not
from the F.B.I. ?

Sir, I can assure you,
we're only salesmen.

All right,
so I made a mistake !

One mistake !

Can't a man
start over ?!

Do I have to
keep on paying ?!

Aah !

Maybe I should make
another mistake !

Maybe two more !

Please, sir, I think
one mistake is plenty !

Just let me show you
what's inside here !

Don't do it, man !
I'm not armed !

We really just
want to sell you

some rubber n*pples !

See ?!

Oh !

It is a nipple.

Ha ha ha ha !

Oh, what you must
think of me.

Forget everything I said.

So, n*pples, huh ?

Hmm...

no, sir, I don't think I have
any use for rubber n*pples.

I'll tell you what,
though...

do you have any rubber
walrus protectors ?

Call the police !

Ren ? Ren ?

Ren ? Ren ?

Ren !!

What is it, man ?!

Oh, please, can I talk
at the next house ?!

Can I, can I, huh ?!

Oh, please, please,
please, can I, huh ?!

Get ahold
of yourself, man !

All right, all right !

Shut up and get
in the truck !

Joy !

( lullaby playing )

( truck door slams )

( bonk )

( door opens )

( inhales )

You promised !

Hello, sir.

Would you like to buy some
shiny new rubber n*pples ?

I baked them myself !

Hmm...
n*pples, huh ?

Let me ask the wife.

Honey, are we short on
rubber n*pples ?

Now, dear, don't you go
buying new rubber n*pples

when you don't use the ones
you already have.

Well, maybe I would if they
weren't all chewed up.

Come on in, boys.

Let's see
what you got.

Yee-hee !
Ah ha ha ha !

Ahem.

Well, sir, you know rubber
n*pples have come a long way

since you were a child.

I bet you thought
rubber n*pples

were just to put
in your mouth.

Well, yeah, actually.

Well, nowadays, there's
a thousand and one uses

for my handy-dandy
rubber n*pples.

( drum roll )

Observe.

( Ren )
They're perfect for storing
your hair trimmings.

Now, there's something
the little woman can use !

They're perfect for getting
at those hard-to-reach places.

Just amazing !

They make great
finger gloves...

for when you have to touch
filthy and repulsive things.

I have to touch filthy and
repulsive things every day !

Don't I, honey ?

Watch me now.

( snorts )

Nose plugs !

And they make
wonderful rain hats.

They protect your eyes
from harmful U.V. Rays.

And they make...
great...

( pop )

Hickies !

Oh, man, wait 'til
the guys at the office

get a load of this !

Do you wanna sleep
out in the yard ?

You mean
for a change ?

Uh, are your knees
cold, sir ?

Why, yes, they are
a little chilly.

No more frosty knees,
no, siree !

Wow !
They are warm !

Honey, how long
have we been married ?

And we don't have
any of these ?

All right, boys,
here's five bucks !

I'll take the whole
mess of 'em !

Five bucks ! Five bucks !

( man )
Now get out !

( both scream )

Ow ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !

Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh !

Aah ! Ow !
Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh !

Ooh ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh !

( Stimpy )
Whooooa !!