02x09 - Iron Otis/Too Good to be Glue

[bunniefuu]

- I'm just heading to the fields, duke.

I'll be back.

[Sheep bleating]

- Clear!

[Upbeat hoedown music]

- All right!

♪

- Rat-a-bamba!

- ♪ From the haystacks up to the hilltops ♪

♪ We go on dancing

♪ To help us do the milking through the night ♪

- Ow, ow! Okay, ow.

Ow!

- ♪ Do si do your partner now ♪

♪

♪ Gonna party on till the morning light ♪

♪

♪ Do si do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll ♪

[Motor roaring]

- Ha ha!

- [With cajun accent] mmm, mmm.

Don't that smell good, yeah?

That's chef big bones' deep-fried chick-own.

[Applause]

Now shake a little

Of chef big bones' five-alarm cajun spice right on there,

And pop that delicious chick-own right in your face hole.

Mmm, that's good chick-own, I guarantee.

- Hey, freddy. - [Screams]

I was sleepwalking.

I'm not watching a meat-grilling show.

That would be disgusting

And entirely out of character for me.

- Yeah, it sure would.

Hey, we're playing kickball.

You should come by.

- Okay, sure.

Again, not a meat show.

- And now it's time for to reveal the winner

Of chef big bones' fan recipe competish-own.

And the winner is...

- Pig, last chance to play kickball!

- Do I have to get up?

- Yes, generally you have to stand to do things.

- Ah, then I'll pass.

- Bring it, lady cow.

They don't call me "grand lord

Imperial ball-kicking emperor wizard" for nothing.

- Dude, nobody calls you that.

- I know. Why is that?

- Here it comes.

- [Freddy screaming]

I won! I won!

I won! I won! I won! I w--

I won! I won! I won! I won!

Ahh!

- Nice shot. - It needed to be done.

- So, freddy, what's this all about?

- I won chef big bones mignon's fan recipe contest.

- Oh, chef big bones.

He's the one who says, "that's one good chick-own right there."

- Yeah, he says, "pop that chick-own

Right in your face hole."

- And then he goes, "wash that chick-own down

With some chick-own grease, I guarantee."

- "And put that spicy five-alarm powder on that chick-own."

- Yeah! - That's the guy.

- He really likes chick-own.

- Uh, guys? Are you aware that "chick-own" means "chicken"?

- What? - It does? - That's disgusting.

- Freddy, how could you submit a recipe

To an animal-roasting show?

- No, it's not what you think.

My recipe uses a soy-based rooster substitute

Called tofrooster.

Male announcer: tofrooster.

- Oh, well, that's okay.

- Well, now, that's different.

- Anyway, he's cooking my recipe tomorrow night on live tv,

And I want you all to be in the audience.

- We'll be there. - Wouldn't miss it.

- Who knows?

Maybe if this goes well,

I could even get my own cooking show.

- What would that be like?

- Let's see how our seafood bisque turned out.

- [High-pitched scream]

- Don't think so. - Yeah, maybe not. - Forget I mentioned it.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Spitting]

- You call this fresh own-yown?

I call it an abominash-own.

We go on the air in one hour, and I need a fresh own-yown.

Thud!

- Chef big bones, sir?

I'm freddy not-a-ferret.

- Oh, there he is, the winner of my competish-own.

Your recipe, she a thing of beauty--

That garlic, that own-yown.

I just got to make one modificash-yown.

- Modificashee-own?

- Modificash-yown.

- Shee-on. - Shyon!

- Shyon! - That's right.

I got to use a real rooster.

- What? But what about the tofrooster?

- Yeah, that tastes like hot garbage.

Ain't nobody eating that.

- Well, I won't allow it.

Roosters are kind, loyal animals who make wonderful roommates...

[Horn honks]

Probably.

- Fine. You don't like it?

There the fake kitchen door.

- Fine. I'm leaving.

I bid you good day, sir.

- Good day to you, then.

- Good day to you. -Good day to you.

- Good dayto you. - Goodday to you.

- You sure you won't reconsider?

- So how'd it go?

- Terrible.

Big bones is planning on using a real rooster in my recipe.

- What? - That's terrible.

- I told him I want no part of this delicious travesty.

I'm outta here!

- Right. - Me too. - Let's roll. - Right behind you.

- Guys, wait a minute. We can't go.

There's a poor, defenseless rooster somewhere backstage

Who needs our help.

- Peck's right; this situation demands action.

Let's go write a strongly worded letter!

- Shouldn't we just go find the rooster and bust him out?

- Also a good plan.

Remind me to write you a thank-you letter.

- Or you could just thank him right now.

- Guys, why do you hate letters?

Stay sharp, guys.

We have to find that rooster,

No matter how cunningly hidden, how deviously concealed, how--

- Found him! - [Rooster squawks]

- Don't be frightened; we're here to save you.

- Save me?

You mean these are not the auditions for the seattle opera?

- No, it's a cooking show.

You're about to be deep fried and eaten on live tv.

- [Gasps] forza del destino!

- Come on; let's get you out of here.

- ♪ Oom baba ootee oomp oomp--

Hey! What y'all doin' to my rooster?

- Later.

- Uh, why, chef big bones.

This is so...

Leave now!

- Let's get out of here.

- You thought you could get away, huh, rooster?

You got a date with a deep fry, I guarantee.

- Gulp!

[All panting]

- Whew, that was close.

- Wait a minute. Where's peck?

- There he is!

- Oh, no, they've got peck!

- We got to bust him out before they cook him!

- We can't; that guard's putting him under lockdown.

Our only chance is to grab him

When big bones brings him out on stage.

And pig is going to help us do it.

- Will there be movement involved?

- Yes, remember what I said about standing and doing things?

- All right.

[Cheers and applause]

- It's time for chillin' and grillin' with your host,

Chef big bones mignon!

- Ready to be lovin' some chick-own!

[Cheers and applause]

Good, good, good.

Well, tonight chef big bones is going to be lovin'

The deep-fried rooster.

[Applause]

- The show's starting.

- I don't know, otis.

You really think this is going to work?

- Of course it'll work.

You just go out there

And challenge big bones to a chef-off,

And when he brings out peck, you be right there to grab him.

- All right, I'll do it.

I'll do it for peck.

Oh, ow, my foot!

Oh, my head!

[Glass shatters]

[Belches]

Together: pig!

- Sweet cud, he's out cold.

- Now who's going to grab peck?

- Well, I got him into this,

So otis is just going to have to get him out.

- That's very brave of you, otis.

Your sacrifice will not be-- oh, wait, I'm otis.

- [Big bones humming]

Now let us cut up some that yellow pepper.

Oh, that's one the prettiest veg peppers.

I tell y'all what;

If that yellow pepper was a woman, I would marry her,

And then we would have beautiful yellow pepper children.

[Door thuds]

- [With italian accent] stop-a!

- So what is the meaning of this disrupshee-yown?

- I'ma the world-famous chef luigi cappellini,

And I challenge-a you to a chef-off-a!

[Audience gasps]

That's-a right-a.

No chef can refuse the challenge on live tv.

So I challenge you...live! On tv!

[Audience chanting] chef-off! Chef-off!

- Well, I've got to protect my reputashee-yown.

All right, we gonna have us an old-fashioned chef-off.

[Cheers and applause]

- Bene!

Now bring out the rooster you must have hidden backstage

So that we can cook him, eh?

- Now, hold on.

Everybody know a chef-off has three rounds:

Salad, ice sculpture, then the entree.

- I'ma know that. I'ma know that.

All-a these-a things you say with your mouth, I already know.

- Then let the chef-off begin!

[Crowd cheering wildly]

- Good food!

- Round one, salads!

[Fast-paced music]

♪

Audience: wow!

- Beat that, chef luigi.

- Ha! Your salad, it'sa making me laugh.

Ha, ha ha!

That's me laugh at your salad.

Check this out.

Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop- chop-chop!

[Audience complaining]

Ha!

[All booing]

- Wow, otis is not good.

- Doesn't matter.

He just has to grab peck when big bones brings him out.

- Hey, guys, am I too late to help?

- Round two, ice sculpture!

[Fast-paced music]

♪

Voila!

[Glorious music]

[Cheers and applause]

- Ice is cold!

[Saw buzzing]

- ♪ O sole mio ♪

♪ Ba la la-la la

♪ I don't know the words

♪ So I'm gonna sing these words ♪

I'ma making the ice cube.

- That stinks!

[Audience booing]

- Hey, let'sa get to the entree.

- Well, that's all right with me, chef.

Time for big bones to deep fry him some rooster.

- [Screams]

- [Gasps] - [gasps]

- [Gasps]

- Mmm. I mean-- [gasps]

- No! Stop-a!

- You better get away from my rooster.

You get away! - That's my lever.

[Both arguing]

- En garde!

- Ha!

And a ha. And a ha.

And a ha.

[Dramatic music]

♪

- [High-pitched scream]

[Sizzling]

[Coughing]

- Sorry, big bones,

But this rooster's not on the menu.

- In our final story, local chef big bones mignon's

New recipe for mustache jambalaya

Is taking the county by storm.

- That's right.

It's like a vacation in your mouth, I guarantee.

- [Slurps]

Mmm, that's good mustache.

[Farts] hey, I don't feel too good.

- Otis, I can't believe that phoney big bones

Is getting the credit for your mustache recipe.

- Mm, who cares?

Freddy's imitation rooster is awesome.

- Imitation rooster's great. - You can say that again.

- Hey, wait a minute. Where's peck?

- [Screams] - [screams]

- [Screams] - [screams]

- [Screams]

- Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?

[All sigh in relief]

- I don't even want to tell you what we were thinking.

- That the secret ingredient in tofrooster is dandruff?

How'd you guess?

- [Screams] - [screams]

- [Screams] - [screams]

- [Screams] - [screams]

- ♪ Ahh! - [Farts]

- Suddenly, at the beginning of the episode, this happened.

So then the tick says, "get this dog off my butt."

[Laughter]

- Who wants lunch?

[All exclaiming]

It's delicious homemade stew.

- Well, if you made it, it has to be goo--

Oh, cud, why?

[All complaining]

- Dude, what did you put in this?

- Well, let's see.

Motor oil, damp hay, some orthopedic insoles,

And some weird stuff that was caked to the wall.

[Slurping]

- That's just gross. - What are you trying to do, k*ll us?

- We were out of everything. I had to improvise.

Just try it.

[Grunts]

Hey, the ladle's stuck.

- Oh, let uncky otis's cow muscles help wittle piggy

With his big, bad spoon.

[Grunting]

Am I on a prank show?

- Oh, that's just sad.

Let me show you how it's done.

-Uh-oh, smells like failure.

- Just imitating you.

- Guys, give it up. It's just an old stew pot.

- Give up? Never!

I have not yet begun to pull spoon from stew pot!

- All right, fellas.

Let her rip!

- I don't know about this, guys.

You know how much the farmer loves his new truck.

- I'm so happy you're in my life.

More sparkling cider?

[Horn honks]

- Oh, duke, you're just a big old worry pouch.

Besides, I'll be gentle.

Pedal to the metal, baby!

Going to the floor!

[Tires screeching]

[Metal creaking]

- Come on. Come on.

Pull, darn you!

- Uh, was that supposed to happen?

- Now it's a semi.

- Hey, guys, what do you--

- What? Probably just some minor structural--

Oh, that is not good.

- Otis, where are we going to get the money

To fix that truck?

- Guys, don't worry.

We're sitting on the invention of the century.

Pig stew is obviously some sort of wonder glue.

We'll just mix up some more and sell it on the tv.

- Why don't we just use the glue to fix the truck?

- 'Cause that don't puts otis on the tv.

- Pig, can you remember how you made that stew?

Announcer: good question! Let's hear his answer.

- Sure, I'll just need to experiment a bit

To get the proportions right.

- Montage!

- ♪ It's a science montage, a succession of some clips ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes too long in real time ♪

♪ A decagram of this and a beakerful of that ♪

♪ Hoping for a chemical reaction right here ♪

♪ It's a science montage

♪ Yeah, they're working real hard ♪

♪ In a cartoon montage format

♪ Wearing crazy goggles and a laboratory coat ♪

♪ Soon they're gonna try to stick an anvil to the wall ♪

♪ Science montage!

♪ Never try this at home

Plunk!

- It won't budge.

- That stuff really works.

- Guys, let's go sell some glue.

Abby and bessie, ready on the phone banks?

- Ready. - Yeah, I'm ready...

Ready to whup the moron who glued my butt to this chair.

- Ha ha! Glued butt.

I mean, who would do such a--

Peck, ready on the satellite dish?

- Ready. - All right, places, people.

- We pirate the airwaves in five...

Four, three--

[Computer beeping]

- How come you don't say "two" and "one"?

- You're supposed to use your fingers.

- Well, I don't have fingers. - That's not my problem.

- Hello!

Welcome to the barn shopping network.

I'm human tv pitchman steve not-a-cow here

With the greatest life-changing invention

Since spray-on chest hair.

That's right; I'm talking about moo gloo,

The space-age adhesive with patented staying power.

- [In booming voice] staying power!

- And here to tell us how it works

Is the inventor of moo gloo, dr. Hiram snoutyman.

- Thanks, steve.

Moo gloo works through a series of processes.

- Amazing.

But can I use moo gloo to make exciting fruit sculpture?

- I'm doing it now.

- Fantastical!

What else can moo gloo do?

- It can also glue ferrets to walls.

- [Screams]

- [Laughs] he's not coming off.

Why, I'd pay $, for this in stores.

- And yet I'm offering it to your viewers for just $..

- Wha? Do you have a fever?

- Why? Am I sweating?

[Laughs]

- Bro, we got to get some moo gloo.

- [In high-pitched voice] moo gloo, moo gloo!

Duddely duddely doo gla-glue glue!

- If it's half as good as the bejewelerizer,

I'll take seven.

- Oh, crikey.

- [Screams]

- Bigfoot wants three bottles.

Hi, thanks for calling moo gloo. Please hold.

Hi, I'm back.

Bottles? You got it.

- Okay, enjoy your moo gloo...

You sorry little freak.

Hello. Thanks for calling moo gloo.

- Mr. Mayor, we have a crisis.

There's a crack in the city's manure-containment tank.

If we don't patch up that crack,

The entire town will be flooded with manure.

- This is serious.

And serious things make me nervous.

Better turn on the boob tube to calm down.

- So just one bottle of moo gloo stuck all those shoes together?

- Yup.

- Moo gloo can glue anything!

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Sally, get me my credit card.

- This is a good episode.

I have an idea for one where the animals race go-carts.

- Awesome job, guys. - You're telling me.

- That was amazing. - You said it.

- Otis, we made over $.

- Well, that's more than enough to fix the farmer's new truck.

- Yup, everything worked out pretty darn well.

- Uh, did freddy just explode?

- Yes.

- I hope it wasn't the glue.

- What? Of course it wasn't the...

- Whoa!

- Glue.

- It must ripen into a powerful expl*sive after...

Two hours.

- See?

- That only gives us an hour to get back all the glue we sold

Before it explodes in people's houses.

- You're right. To the--

- Nice glue, dummies.

Announcer: she's being sarcastic.

She knows the glue isn't nice.

I'm putting her in the go-cart episode.

- Hello, you probably remember us

From the moo gloo commercial.

- Yes, your wonderful products

Saved my limited-edition sad girl clown bicycling.

- Why, she's precious.

May I see her with my hands?

- Well, i--oh.

- Mom.

- Here's your refund. - We saved your life. - You're welcome. Bye!

- Dude, thanks to moo gloo,

We finally built our dream tree house.

- Wha? - Dude, free pickle!

- Hey, come back here, pickle.

- I'd like a pickle.

- ♪ Retrieval montage

♪ It's a retrieval montage

♪ Making it go faster 'cause it's boring in real time ♪

♪ Trying to get the glue before the city goes kablamo ♪

♪ Here's some gratuitous slow motion ♪

♪ We are lousy chemists

- [High-pitched scream]

- Good work, team.

According to the sales list, we found all the glue.

- Whew. - What a relief.

- That was a close one. - You can say that again.

- That was a close one.

- Oh, I'm so happy.

- Uh, dude, check the back of the page.

- What? What are you talking about?

I don't see any--sweet cud!

We sold pounds of glue to city hall?

- Oh, yeah, didn't I mention?

- Come on! - Let's go. - All right!

- Wow.

Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.

Let's k*ll some time

By answering some of today's viewer mail.

Mahesh from bangalore writes, "dear pig,

How can I start my own business?"

Well, mahesh, first you'll need to raise some seed money.

The simplest way is to find a magical leprechaun,

Follow him to his pot of gold,

Then imprison him in the rainbow forest.

You can now use his gold as capital for your new business.

Next, find a suitable location to set up shop.

I recommend an extinct volcano or the moon.

Finally, you'll need a friendly and courteous sales staff.

Don't hire donkeys; they're surly and unpredictable.

- You're surly and unpredictable.

- See what I mean?

Beep! - [Screams]

- And there you have it.

You're ready to open your doors.

Just remember the first rule of business:

The customer is always named phyllis.

Now back to the action.

- This just in.

The town's cracked manure vat has just been fixed

Thanks to moo gloo, the wonder adhesive

That's taken the county by storm.

- Pig, when did you make that -pound batch?

- I think it was around :.

- Then we've got exactly three minutes

Before that tank explodes and floods the town with manure.

- Oh, my. They'll have to think fast to get out of this one.

- Uh, you gonna keep doing that?

- Oh, excuse me, mr. On-camera talent!

Let's see if you make it into my go-cart episode.

- Stand aside.

- Do I know you?

- Federal manure inspectors.

We need to inspect your manure.

- Which is why that's our job title.

- Yes. Stop your mouth.

- Federal manure inspectors?

Never heard of you.

- We're an obscure offshoot

Of the u.s. Bureau of inspecting stuff.

All right, you guys. Move it out.

- Now, hold on. That's county property.

- Yes, well, I have no further explanation.

Bye.

Let's get out of here!

- Go, go, go!

[Engine revving]

- Manure thieves! After them!

[Sirens wailing]

[Lively music]

- Faster, otis.

We only got seconds till the manure tank explodes.

- A shocking development.

It seems the town's manure vat has just been hijacked

By a g*ng of fake federal agents.

Hey, get off of me.

[Insects buzzing]

Okay, that's disgusting.

- Five seconds till expl*si*n, otis.

- Hang on!

- Well, what do you know.

That manure was dangerous.

- Those fellas ain't manure thieves; they're heroes!

[People cheering]

- Well, guys, it wasn't easy, but with a little teamwork,

We fixed the farmer's truck.

- Look out. Here he comes.

- Hello, old girl.

Did you miss me?

[Engine turns over]

- Hey, freddy, beautiful job on that rear bumper.

- Thanks, otis.

I used pig's special glue to fix it.

- Uh...

- Would that be the glue we just spent all day

Trying to track down and destroy so it wouldn't explode people?

- Yes.

What's your point?

- Never mind.

Announcer: don't worry; the farmer recovered

And will soon star in my amazing go-cart episode.

- I think we need a new announcer.

Announcer: too late. The end!