03x01 - Comedians

[bunniefuu]

COMEDIANS

You ever wonder what
happens to all the

rubber bands and
paper clips you lose?

I.. I think they are going to some
alternate layer of the universe...

You ever notice these "Warning"
labels on shaving cream cans?

They say: "Do not use near an open flame".

Now, I know whenever I go to shave
I like to fire up the old Bunsen burner.

You know what I mean, hey?

Coming up next: the
comedy super star who

roll with the punches and laugh
all the way to the bank!

Join us for an inside look at
Andrew Dice Clay's luxurious life style.

Hey Beavis, I got an idea.

Yeah, me too! Let's go over to
Stewart's house and burn something!

No dumbass,
let's become one of those stand

up chameleons and
make a lot of money!

- Yeah, money rules!
- We're there dude.

We're gonna be rich.

That looks like that dude from Deliverance.

Yeah.

Remember that part with that pig?

That wasn't a pig, Beavis.
That was Ned Beatty.

Oh yeah.

I watched that movie seven times.

- Me too. "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
- Yeah.

- Spit! Cool!
- That's cool!

Yeah!

- Whoa! Fat people!
- Yeah, yeah.

They don't have enough
fat people in videos.

Yeah.

And more spit in videos.

- Like, people hocking loogies.
- Yeah, yeah.

- More spit, and more fat people.
- Yeah.

- Fat people are cool!
- Yeah.

Hey, okay, I want to remind everybody
that I'm a professional,

okay? So, don't try this at home.

Hey, sorry folks, they told me
my time is up.

Y'all have been great, man. Thanks!

Okay! How about for "Wild Dog Bill", huh?

Okay! Our next comedian is a young man,

in fact he is really young.

He calls himself "Butthole".
Let's hear it for him.

What's green and red and goes
one hundred miles a hour?

A frog in a blender.
Get it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Here is one.

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I don't know.

Yeah.

This is cool.

So, this guy says to the bartender:

"I bet you fifty dollars I
can pee in that glass

and you'll clean it up laughing".

Get off!

No, wait...

I mean... He says:
"I bet you can pee in this..."

You suck!

- No, wait.
- Get off!

He pees on the bar and pays these
people at the table to clean it up.

No, wait...

Are you gonna finish all
those nachos?

Can I have some?

- You are terrible, terrible.
- Get off!

Is that what she said?

How about it for "Butthole"?

Hey, wait a minute folks. Don't leave yet.
We've just getting started.

We've got a great actor up next,
his name is...

Beavis!
This guy is fantastic!

Let's hear it for him.

You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks?

Sometimes I look at one of these
little straws, and I go: "This sucks!"

This is cool!

One thing about, like, gym class:

It sucks!

- Okay, now I'm gonna, like, juggle.
- Go for it Beavis!

This is gonna be cool.

- This is mall music.
- Yeah.

She has to play in a mall
because she sucks.

Yeah.

Hey Beavis,

who do you think would win in a fight
between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson?

Debbie Gibson would kick her butt!

She'd kick her!

She should join a g*ng
like Wilson Phillips.

Yeah.

Who do you think would win in a fight
between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?

- You're the expert, Beavis.
- Shut up, Butt-Head!

One chick from L7 could kick
all of their asses combined.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Whoa, cool!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

What's wrong with you, Beavis?
This sucks!

Because you have fire in your video
doesn't mean you're cool.

Yeah, but, like,
the fire itself is pretty cool.

- No way, Beavis! Vince Neil is a wuss!
- Oh yeah.

- Mötley Crüe fired this dude.
- Yeah.

They fired him.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Tommy Lee should've shoved
that drumstick up his butt!

Yeah, yeah.

That would be cool!

Whoa!

That chick's got metal pointy things
on her boobs.

- That's pretty cool!
- Yeah.

"She's a knockdown,
drag it out, pick it up, do it again".

What does that mean?
Who writes this crap?

Yeah, yeah.
It sucks!

- We are pretty funny, huh Beavis?
- Yeah.

We should be on TV.

How come that club owner dude
didn't like us?

- Maybe he is stupid?
- Yeah.

- Not everybody can be cool like us.
- Yeah.

- Trees.
- Yeah.

"I don't think I shall ever see
anything as stupid as a tree".

Do you like her hair up or down, Beavis?

I think with this particular outfit,
it looks better up.

Do you think if this band
was playing in the forest,

and, like, a tree fell on
'em, 'cause they suck,

do you think anybody would be there?

No one would hear 'em,
because they'd be dead!

Yeah, but what if,
like, the tree fell,

and it only, like, hit a couple
of 'em, and then...

Hey Beavis!
What are your hands doing in your pocket?

I'm just looking for my lighter.

Aha, you've been looking
for about fifteen minutes.

Yeah.