- [humming]
- What song is that?
- No, the sound my fridge makes.
- Got you. - Yeah.
[humming]
[both humming]
[laid-back rock music]
*
[slow jazzy music]
[police sirens wailing]
*
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
[grunting]
- Don't--don't hit him. Don't hit him, Sue.
And, God, if you do hit him,
don't k*ll him.
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
Do you serve slices here?
- Yes, sir.
- Then this must be the place.
- Oh, God, my brave protector.
- My pregnant angel.
But I got to do a little business.
[neck cracking]
- No, don't--don't--wait--
- It seems that someone in your establishment
made an off-color remark to my common-law bride to be.
And I want satisfaction.
- Someone here? - Yes!
That's what I said. Is there an echo in here?
Now, baby, if you can see the person or persons
that swore at you,
I want you to point him out to me now.
Please.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, no. Uh-uh, no.
- Whuh-oh!
It seems she pointed out you, my friend.
- Yeah.
- I guess the firm hand of justice is about to make a fist!
Yow!
- I think your friend is, uh, mistaken.
I just came here an hour ago.
- Are you calling the woman I love and would die for
a liar?
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
I just think that she's, uh, honestly mistaken.
- I saw her point you out.
Are you callingme a liar?
- Oh, no, not in the least.
- I'm not the liar.
I'm not the liar, Sue. I'm not the liar.
He's the liar!
He's the freakin' frack of a liar!
- My baby!
- Look at him sitting there, though.
He's lying at us on his...
Oh, Sweetness, I am sore, terrible sore.
- Oh, dear lord.
- What?
I heard you that time!
Don't you know if you swear at a pregnant lady,
that the baby will grow up swearing?
It happened to me.
- Yeah, you stupid f*ck!
- Look, if someone in this establishment said something
to your common-law bride to be,
then we should fill out a complaint form,
and let's nail this turkey.
- I'm not a man of words; I'm a man of action.
You're my sunflower!
- [raspberries]
- And you're a dead man!
- Just a college student.
- Don't go braggin'.
I'm gonna turn around and take off my jacket.
- Oh, no, not the jacket, baby.
- The jacket? - Yes.
I'm gonna take my jacket off and kick the livin' life out of you!
It's jacket time!
[electric guitar riff]
- Hey, man, I like Led Zeppelin.
- What?
- I like Led Zeppelin.
Boy, they could rock.
- Do you like George Thorogood?
- Oh, yeah.
They sure can boogie.
- He's talking to me, baby.
- Well, maybe you shouldn't k*ll him like you planned.
- I don't know!
Change of plans: I'm not gonna k*ll you.
We're buds for life.
- Yes, yes.
Buds for life.
[laughing]
- Oh, baby.
- Yes. - Aww.
- Hey, you know what, I think our luck is changing.
- Yeah.
- I think once you get that car off blocks,
we're ready for a family.
- Yeah.
- Hey, how about a free slice of pizza?
- Sure. - What?
- A complimentary slice of pizza--one each.
- So you think I'm too small to support my family?
[coins clattering]
- Oh, not the baby's college money!
- You betrayed my family!
I trusted you!
I loved you!
Now I'm gonna pummel you.
The jacket's off.
- The jacket's off.
- Not the jacket.
- Next stop: Hell!
[yelling]
[gong sounds]
- Last call for...
alcohol.
- Sue!
Get up, Sue!
Talk to me, baby!
Great! He's a vegetable.
You did this!
And me with a baby on the way.
Well, fine, you'll support us for the rest of our lives.
- Huh?
- Yeah, come on, give me your apartment keys.
Where do you live at?
I'll be there when you get off work.
Where are they?
- I'm not a vegetable.
I'm not a vegetable.
- Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
- You're a dead man. - Yeah.
- I'll be back.
- He'll be back.
And if he dies, I'll be back.
*
- Oh, dear God.
- [mumbling] You're dead...
You're dead.
You're dead.
*
- Pizza's ready.
[laid-back rock music]
*
[police sirens wailing]
- Oh.
Spring.
- Yeah, I hope so.
- Man's best friend is not a dog.
Man's best friend is a good year in sales,
as I think these figures more than prove.
Now, it's important to understand
where the increase began
so that you can understand the importance of long-term
blah, blah, blah, blah...
Look at these smiling faces.
They just don't have a clue.
Look at them.
Don't they know that I don't know what I'm talking about?
How long is it before I'm finally found out?
When is someone going to expose me for the fraud that I am?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah--
Uh-oh, this is it.
This is the moment I've been waiting for.
He's going to expose me.
The jig is up.
- Ed, aren't you worried about
last month's unexpected drop in sales?
- You know, that's a very good question, Tom.
- [chuckles]
- But blah, blah, blah...
I wouldn't know a good question
if it was stuffed down my throat and pulled out my ass.
God, that was close.
I thought for sure he was going to expose me.
I can't believe they let me stand here and talk,
when I clearly--
- Wait a second!
You don't have a clue what you're talking about, do you?
- You're just standing there, faking it.
- You're a complete and utter fraud.
all: Fraud, fraud, fraud,
fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud,
fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud!
- Yes!
Yes, it's true. You're right.
Thank you.
Thank you all so much.
You have no idea what a relief this is for me.
It's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thank you.
[sighs]
- Great presentation, Ed--
the best one yet.
I think we've found our new east coast sales manager,
haven't we, guys?
[applause] - Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!
[applause]
- No!
[surf rock music]
*
- So I said, "Do you think
"this is my first freakin' documentary?
"I've been in plenty of freaki'' documentaries, buddy.
"You just show me my edge of frame,
and I'll show you some pimp colorin'."
- Would you shut up for a second, Rudy,
and listen to the radio?
- Don't you ever tell me to shut up!
- Shut up!
- Okay.
male announcer: And happy th birthday greetings
to Rudolph Krud from the girls on the corner.
They'd just like to say,
"You take our money, but you never hit us.
- * Treat me like a fool
* Treat me mean and cruel
* But love - That's my favorite song.
- Aww, sorry for being such b*tches all the time.
- But you can be a bastard, too, you know.
- * Tear it all apart
- [chuckling]
- Quick, Voula, get the camera.
- My b*tches.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
Over the past four years that the show has been on the air,
I've noticed that myself and the other guys
have been getting a lot of letters, you know,
which I figured was a natural result
of being on TV for so long.
So you can imagine my surprise
when I heard the other guys referring
to their letters as fan mail.
[chuckles]
I decided I'd take a little peek
and see what sort of stuff you guys are writing to them.
So here's a sample.
"Dear Dave,
"you're so hunky-wunky, cutie-pootie,
"lovey-dovey, sexy-wexy,
"and you're my fave.
"Keep up the good work.
Signed Brenda, Erin, Cathy, Michelle," et cetera, et cetera.
Hey, not too bad for the ego.
Well, my fan mail invariably goes something like this.
[clears throat]
"Dear Mark, I thought I was alone until I saw you on TV.
"Having no sex appeal must be hard for you too.
"I'm curious, how do you live?
"How do you love?
"Please work your answer into a monologue,
"as I don't want to sign my real name.
"Thanks.
P.S. Please don't k*ll yourself."
[laughs]
Well, you know.
Come on. I've never contemplated su1c1de.
But I did want to say to you people
who have written me these letters
that if you worry, like me, that you don't have any sex appeal,
then perhaps it's time you do what I did
and unlock the secret of nudity.
That's right.
I found that by using the safe and natural method of nudity,
I was able to change those sort of letters or taunts
from "Hey, do you have a pulse?"
to "Wow, look at the naked guy!"
Now, nudity may not be for everyone.
But, tell you what.
If you're sitting at home watching me tonight,
try this simple test.
Take off one sock-- just one sock.
And mail it to me
with a stamped, self-addressed envelope
and a picture of yourself.
Now, I'll examine your sock
and determine if you have any potential at all
to achieve full or maybe just partial nudity.
Trust me.
It's done wonders for me.
You know, people pay attention when I walk into a room.
And, hey,
maybe I'll get a different type of fan mail now.
[rock music]
*
[police sirens wailing]
- Partner. - Hey.
- You, uh, want to see a picture of my trip to Europe?
- Yeah, sure.
Oh-ho.
Wow, uh, looks like you had a great time.
- Yeah, really great time.
- Yeah?
And you just got the, uh, one picture?
- Yeah, well, uh, I took another one, but it didn't turn out.
- Yeah.
Oh, well, you-- you don't really need it.
You get the general idea from this.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
God, I want to go.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I don't have to go again; I got the picture.
[both chuckling]
[keyboard keys clacking]
- Does anyone know how spell "telecommunication"?
- Gee, that's a tough one. Hmm.
- Does word have one "M" or two "M"?
- Uh, two "M"s.
- Hmm.
Me thought so, but look funny on paper.
- Tell me something, Tarzan.
- Yes?
- Now that you're a big success in the business world,
do you ever miss the jungle?
- Hmm, well, Jerry, business world lot like jungle.
Only now, water cooler is great pond,
Friday report like bad juju,
and Mr. Blanchard like Chief Apawannahanti.
Only thing different now is steady check.
Tarzan make joke.
- Oh, yeah?
- Cheetah would laugh.
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Tarzan?
- Yes, Bellamy, this hardest part of job.
You fire.
- I'm fire, sir?
- You mock King of Jungle one too many times!
Sorry, Bellamy.
Must let go.
- But, sir, I have a wife and children to support.
- Boo-hoo-hoo.
You know what Tarzan do?
- No.
- He play world's tiniest violin.
Now take walk before Tarzan throw through wall!
[grunting]
Death stick bad!
White hunter go!
- [screams]
- [growling]
- Tarzan thought smell something funny in wind!
[yelps]
[grunting]
In fact, one executive said...
- [wailing]
Now is weekend.
Time to party with Jane.
[upbeat rock music]
*
[wailing]
*
[laid-back rock music]
*
[dramatic music]
*
- Somebody has taken Kitty!
*
Then I noticed Kitty was gone.
Nothing was taken.
Her bowl was still there with the milk still in it.
[mysterious music]
*
- My name is Prince...
Peter Prince...
Detective Peter Prince.
They call me Fingers. I don't play the piano.
- Well, perhaps you could help me, Mr. Prince.
The police don't seem much help at all.
You see, Kitty's all I have in the world.
Who would have done such a thing?
What is happening to this city?
Why don't you stop them? You have to--
[smooching]
- Now, I want you very calmly
to tell me everything you did in the last hours.
- And then I noticed Kitty was gone.
Nothing was taken.
The bowl was still there with the milk still in it.
What are you going to do, Mr. Prince?
- Well, I think the first thing I'd like to do, ma'am,
is talk to everybody who lives in the house.
- Well, I live alone.
- Your toilet is flushed, ma'am.
- Thank you, Baltimore.
- I thought you lived alone, Mrs. Gold?
- Well, there's the butler, but he doesn't count.
[laughs] He's hardly a person.
Kitty's all that matters to me, Mr. Prince.
- Not so fast, Mr. Baltimore.
I'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.
- Ma'am?
- It's all right, Baltimore.
He's here to help.
- Okay, what's your story?
- Well, at first, I noticed that Kitty was gone,
but there was nothing missing.
Her bowl was still there with milk still in it.
- Hmm.
Thanks, old man.
- May I get you a fresh pacifier, sir?
- I'm fine.
- Perhaps something more risqué?
- Thanks, but no thanks.
- Well, any luck?
- Nope.
- We'll never find Kitty.
I just know it.
We've got to do something,
anything!
Why don'tyou do something?
You're the private detective!
Isn't that why I hired you?
Come on, you're the private de--
- I'd like to conduct a thorough search of the premises,
if I may, ma'am.
- Okay.
- Kitty?
Kitty?
She's gone.
- You'll never find Kitty.
- I'd like to look in your backyard, if I may.
Where would that be?
- I don't know.
You know where the front of my house is?
I suppose it's on the other side.
- So I came that way...
- Left. - So I'd leave that way.
- Exactly. - Okay.
- [whimpers]
Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
[jazzy foreboding music]
*
- You must be the detective.
- Who might you be?
- Well, I'm not Kitty.
- I didn't say you were.
Can I, uh, ask you a few questions?
- And I'll tell you a few lies.
- Well, Mr. Prince, I see you've met my cabana boy, Carlos.
- I thought you lived alone, Mrs. Gold.
- Aren't we all alone, Mr. Prince?
- Enjoy your milk, Mrs. Gold?
- Oh, surely, there's no law against enjoying
a cold glass of milk on a hot summer day,
is there, Mr. Prince?
- No.
But there is a law against m*rder.
[dramatic music swells]
- I think you should leave!
You know your way out.
[foreboding music]
*
[bells ringing]
- Leaving so soon?
[jazzy saxophone music]
*
- Why don't you give me a reason to stay?
That'll do.
So what'syour story, beautiful?
- Well, I noticed Kitty was gone.
I mean, nothing was taken. Her bowl was still there.
- Wasn't there milk in it?
- It was empty.
- Hi. I'm back.
- Kitty?
- Yes. And you are?
- My name is Prince...
Peter Prince...
Detective Peter Prince.
They call me F--
- Yes, Fingers, Fingers, Fingers.
We heard it all before.
Kitty!
Where were you?
One minute you were there, and then you were not!
- I just went to the corner store.
I told Carlos.
[dramatic musical flourish]
- I forgot.
- You forgot?
You forgot.
The only thing you're good for is f*cking.
Get out of my sight!
[dramatic musical flourish]
Well, thank you, Mr. Prince.
You must feel proud; another case solved.
- Just doing my job, ma'am.
Kitty.
But there's still one thing that bothers me, Carlos.
Why'd you lie about the milk?
- I said I'd tell you a few lies.
Hey, I thought you said I was under arrest, Detective Prince.
- Well, you are in cuffs, aren't you?
They call me Fingers.
- Why?
- You'll figure it out.
Everybody does.
04x13 - Episode 13
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The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.