06x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

[wheel rattles]

♪♪♪

- Oh.

[evil chuckle]

Oh yeah.

Those are ankle weights.

People used to run in them. Builds up your knee muscles.

- Aha. Oh, this looks fun! - Oh, it is!

- This looks fun. - Oh, it isn't.

- Are these the same hilarious Kids in the Hall

from the early s?

- No, these are the rage-filled Kids in the Hall

from the mid-s.

[Imogen] What's it about? - No one knows!

Some say this movie was dry heaved into existence

because of a dark deal with the devil.

Others say it was laundering coke money.

Either way, the reviews were mixed at best.

- Sounds good! How much?

- One dollar. Earth money.

- I'm sorry, did you say Earth money?

- Yes, maybe.

What I meant was your money.

- [nervous laugh] - [chuckles]

[hypnotizing music]

[Shifra] Let's get "Problem Child ".

[hypnotizing music]

- No, let's get "Brain Candy".

[weird man] Oh.

[ding]

[evil laugh]

[loud expl*si*n]

- What just happened?

- With this dollar, Kids in the Hall "Brain Candy"

has now broken even, and broken the curse!

[loud expl*si*n]

- Agh! [zapping thuds]

- What?! No!

The curse is broken! [souls scream]

Hey! No texting!

[zapping thuds, grunting, slap]

- So, we all agree that gender parity is a good thing,

but how do we men make money off of it?

- Uh...

- You can't. That's the point.

- Really. [door opens]

I thought this was a think t*nk.

[Marv] Oh, Don?

Don, I think you're really gonna wanna see this.

[footsteps thud]

"Brain Candy" has made its money back.

[paper crinkles]

- Oh. I knew it would.

You know, I thought it would take a week.

Wound up taking years.

- Well, you're never wrong, Don.

- Yeah, well, time is elastic.

Frank Zappa taught us that. - Ah.

- Well, ladies,

thank you for getting the conversation started.

You'll each get a Roritor fanny pack on your way out.

- Ooh. - They're back, you know.

So, walk with me, Marv. - Of course, Don.

- With me, Marv. - Of course, Don.

[footsteps thud]

[footsteps thud]

[footsteps shuffle] - [grunts]

[Don] It's never easy to finance a film.

In the case of "Brain Candy" it was a co-pro

between the Canadian government and the devil.

- Ah, well done, Don.

- Well, the curse has lifted and the Kids are back.

- Yeah, well who's financing this, then? The devil again?

- Well, sort of. Amazon. - Oh.

- Well. - Ew.

- I've opened a can of worms, haven't I?

- Well, Don, only time will tell.

- No, I'm telling you, I've opened a can of worms.

I'm on a high protein diet. Where's my worm wrangler?

[footsteps thud] - Oh.

[worms squish] Uh, what about the Kids?

- Oh, we've got our best man on that right now.

[ominous music]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[foliage rustles, thunder rumbles]

♪♪♪

[leaves rustle]

♪♪♪

[lightning cracks]

[engine roars, shovel clunks]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[thunder crashes]

- [sputters]

♪♪♪

[All] Ah! Ah!

[All] Oh, my God! [shrieking]

[All] Ah! Ah! Ah!

- Oh my God! - Oh, oh, my heart!

- Who... who are you people?

- It's me, Mark!

Scott, is that you?

- Oh, my God, if you have to ask, it can't be good.

- Am I still the cute one? [All] Um...

- Sort of. - Oh.

- Guys, I knew we should've

cryogenically frozen our bodies.

- Yeah. - Or even just our faces.

- Or even just your hair! - What?!

[all screaming]

- You asked for it.

[♪ Shadowy Men: "Having an Average Weekend"]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

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♪♪♪

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[door cricks open] - Woo-hoo!

- Remember, stay down and count to ,!

[woman cries] Actually, you know what?

I've been working out. , would do.

I'm getting pretty fast. Go! - Right!

♪♪♪

[footsteps thud quickly] - Whew! Speed up!

♪♪♪

[doors click open then shut]

[siren wails]

- Hey! They called the cops!

- No way they counted to ,! - Ah!

[siren wails, engine roars]

- What, you want me to take a run at 'em?

- No, wait, I have a better idea.

They'll be looking for two guys with clothes on.

What they won't be looking for is a couple naked guys.

- Brilliant! [clothes rustle]

[doors click open]

- That seems to be the car, all right.

- Mm-hmm. - Did any of the uh,

people describe the perps as being naked?

- Negatory. They were definitely fully clothed.

- Well, these gentlemen here seem to be uh, naked.

- You know, just to be safe, let's make sure.

You there, in the car, come out with your hands

on your own heads! [radio static]

- Heh. [doors click open]

- Easy!

[feet thud lightly]

[bystanders laugh] - Oh, check this out.

- Huh, you know, Partner, I think you might be right.

These might be the wrong guys.

- Well, let's make even more sure.

Gentlemen, I'm gonna need you to turn around.

[footsteps thud]

Okay, now I'm gonna need you to jump up and down a little bit.

[g*n rattles]

[footsteps thud]

- Yep, their stem and berries are certainly bouncin'.

These guys are naked.

Wrong guys.

[Mark] Gentlemen, I apologize.

Hope we didn't waste your time.

Just that we got a report of fully-clothed robbers

getting into a car exactly like that.

- Exactly. - No problem, Officer,

you're just doing your job.

[Mark] [sighs]

How did we lose the bad guys?

- I shouldn't have stopped for a haircut.

[doors shut]

- [chuckles] Just doing your job.

You are one cool customer. - Hey, stop getting dressed.

- Huh? - You'll blow our cover!

- Ah.

- We're gonna have to stay naked 'til the heat's off.

- Yeah.

- Say, let's dump the clothes. - All right.

[over radio] All units, be on the lookout for two suspicious

piles of clothing that may have been involved

in an armed robbery. [car rumbles away]

[ominous music]

[Mark] Partner, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

- Yep. Better call it in.

- Dispatch, this is Car .

We have eyes on two piles of clothing

that might've been used in that robbery.

- Don't do anything stupid, mother fucker!

- Yeah. Come on, now, just everybody stay calm.

Everybody gets to go home to their wives.

Except me, 'cause my wife left me 'cause you know,

apparently I'm emotionally unavailable.

- To me, you aren't.

You're a good guy.

- Thank you, Officer. - Thank you, Officer.

- Whew. - Ah!

[ominous music] [Mark] They're gone.

Perps on foot.

I'm pursuing with the best little partner a guy ever had!

- [chuckles]

To the car! - Clear!

Clear! - Down!

[bystanders scream] - Clear! - Down!

Clear! Clear! - Clear!

♪♪♪

[Both gasping]

- Kathie? - Cathy?

- Oh, my God! - [chuckles]

- It's you! - Oh, Cathy!

- It's been so long! - Too long.

Oh, my Lord, you look so good!

- Thank you! - You've lost weight!

- Yes!

- And gained back exactly the same amount.

- Well, thank you for noticing.

- So, what's new with you?

- Well, um, I married an ice road trucker.

- Oh, good!

- But he fell through the ice.

- Aw, well, you know what they say,

all the good ones are either married or...

[in unison] frozen at the bottom of a lake.

[chuckling]

- Oh, well...

[both] Back to work! [light chuckling]

[plastic crinkles]

- [sighs] Ahem.

- Good morning! - Oh, hi Amberlyiao.

- Did you just see this email? - No, Amberlyiao, we did not.

- I just don't get it. - Maybe we can help.

[Boss] Hello, we at A.T. & Love

are embracing this bold new world.

So, we're getting rid of all the fax machines.

[both] What?!

- Now, I know that goodbyes can be triggering

for some of you, so I'm just gonna, you know,

just sorta sit here and stare for a while.

- [sighs]

- I can't believe it. - No more faxes.

- What's a fax machine?

- Well, a fax machine is truly a modern wonder.

- Yeah.

- Imagine writing a letter to a friend,

popping in a cab,

and taking it to him instantaneously.

- So, like an email?

- No, it's completely different.

- Not at all.

Cath, why are they doing this? - I know,

faxing is so much a part of our life!

- I know! Hey, remember all the fun we used to have

at the Fax and Firkin? - Oh, God, yeah.

[♪ Spandau Ballet: "True"]

[Cathy] Ooh, mm!

Kathie, look to your left, but be cool.

- Wow!

- I think I'm gonna give him my number.

- Oh! Oh, Cathy, you're such a runaround. [giggles]

[keys clack]

[fax machine beeps and whirs]

♪♪♪

[fax machine buzzes]

- I think he thinks it's gonna be a threesome. Play along.

- [gasps] [both sighing]

- Cath, I'm really gonna miss faxing.

- Me too.

But you know what, Kath,

we get to write the very last fax.

- [gasps] - Write this down.

- Oh, cursive!

- To whom it may concern.

- Great start.

- This is the last fax.

Let it be known

that for years

we sat here diligently,

turning numbers into dreams,

spreadsheets into visions of a brighter future,

and the occasional courier into a man.

- I like sleeping with couriers because they come fast.

- Oh, Kathie!

- I'm just so full of beans today.

- Gossip was our white wine. - Yes.

- And white wine was also our white wine.

- So, let this last fax

bear witness...

to who we were...

a couple of Cathys

who made A.T. & Love

a pretty nice place to work.

- [sobs]

[clapping]

[Amberlyiao] Please don't clap.

I find it acoustically aggressive.

- Oh.

- Cath, I couldn't get all of that good stuff down,

so I just, just did that doodle.

- Oh! Well, that'll do.

- Thanks! - Let's send it!

[buttons beep]

- [sighs] To the end of an era.

- Cath, why do I feel like this is a bad idea?

- I don't know.

[button clacks] - Huh.

[modem dial tone buzzes]

[Dave] Hmm, well,

the Earth has unplugged its last fax machine.

- What's protecting them now?

- Nothing. - We must destroy Earth!

We must destroy Earth! - That's a funny voice.

- Yeah, I've been working on it.

- Destroy Earth! Destroy the Earth!

[laughing]

All right. Munitions, destroy the Earth!

Destroy the Earth! - [laughing]

[loud beeping]

[spaceship whooshes]

[laser hisses loudly, loud expl*si*n]

[Announcer] Friends of Kids in the Hall,

Number , Donavan.

- I do not live with my mother, okay? She lives with me.

She gets the lower part of the house

and I get that sweet attic, upstairs.

Ma!! - Yeah?

- Bring me to the dispensary, please!

- I'm not your f*cking chauffeur!

- She needs to get out more.

[David] Friends of Kids in the Hall,

Number , Donavan.

♪♪♪

[utensils clang on plates, light chatter]

- Well, did we enjoy our entrée, Madam?

- Oh, yes. The Kangaroo filet was superb. So fresh!

- Well, that's because it's locally sourced.

- Locally sourced kangaroo?

- Security at the Toronto Zoo is surprisingly lax.

- Oh?

- Well, I hope you left some room for dessert.

- Oh, yes I did, and I know exactly what I want.

- Excellent.

- I would like a piece of that wild blueberry pie

I've heard so much about.

- Pie? I'm sorry, but we don't serve pie.

- Well, yes you do. I saw it on social media.

- Well, I don't know what you saw on social media,

but this restaurant doesn't serve pie.

- Yes, it was a pie! A tiny, little pie!

- [gasps] Oh!

I think you're referring

to the Tarte des Bleubleuets Sauvage?

- That's it. - There you go. I'm sorry,

it didn't register because you called it a pie

when actually it's a tart.

- Tart, pie. Pie, tart. What's the difference?

[ominous music]

- Right away, Madam.

Rory? - Hmm?

- I'm afraid there's a bit of a situation.

- Tory, slow down.

- [calming exhale]

You know your Tarte des Bleubleuets Sauvage?

- Of course, I do. It's my signature dessert.

- Well, a customer of mine just called it a pie.

[ominous music]

- Did anybody else hear? - I don't think so.

- Tory, Rory, what's all the commotion?

- Uh, Tory, go on, Dory is family.

- Well, a customer of mine just ordered

the Tarte des Bleubleuets Sauvage

and then called it a pie. - [gasps]

What does she think this is, f*cking Golden Griddle?

- [sighs]

- Dory, Tory, Rory, are you talking about the woman

who called the Tarte des Bleubleuets Sauvage, a pie?

- [gasps] How did you hear?

- Well, all the busboys are talking about it.

Ramon is so upset he's thinking of moving back

to Nica-rr-agua.

- But isn't he from North Bay?

- Yes! That's how upset he is.

- I think we're going to have to shut the place down.

- Yes. - Wait, no, there's got

to be another option.

- Well, we could stone her

with artisanal cheeses.

- It's worked before. - Mm-hmm.

- I'll get the cheeses and-- - Wait, wait.

- What?

- What if I just take her the dessert

and see if I can't stop this runaway train?

- [reluctant exhale]

- Uh... - Ooh.

- It's worth a sh*t.

- Let's plate this dessert. - Yes.

[Angelic choir sings]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[soft clink]

[light thud]

[light tear]

[blows]

♪♪♪

[Tory] Tartes des Bleubleuets Sauvage.

- What a darling little pie!

- Madam, it's not a pie, it's a "tarte".

- Well, whatever it is, it's as cute as a button

and I'm gonna take a picture of it.

Now I'm gonna post it on social media

and all my friends will see what a delicious little pie

I had for dessert.

- Uh, wh--, why don't I take a picture

of the two of you, together? - Great idea!

That's definitely tweet worthy.

- Yes, I...yes, um...

Say, "Cave aged cheese."

- "Cave aged cheese."

[utensils clank, light chatter]

Where are you going with my phone?

[footsteps thud away]

[door crashes] - [gasping]

- I had to take her phone. - What?

- She took a picture of the tart, called it a pie,

and then, said she was gonna put it on social media.

- [gasps] [Rory] Oh no.

We're going to have to burn the place to the ground.

[Dory] Should I evacuate the customers?

- No, there's no time, just lock the doors.

- Okay. - Wait!

There's no reason all of you should die. I'm new here.

Gimme that phone and I'll set fire to myself.

- No. You're the baby. You're only .

[Tory] He's right. Let me do it.

After all, it was my table.

- [sighs] - Okay.

[Rory] Wait, would you let me cook you?

[Angelic choir sings]

- Chef, I'd be honored!

[honored exhale, light clap]

- You're a hero.

- No, I'm just a waiter with heroic tendencies.

[small laugh]

♪♪♪

- [sniffs]

That smells delicious.

♪♪♪

- All right, ladies! [women cheer]

Put your hands together and make some noise!

- [cheering] Wooo!

- You ready to meet the fellas?

[women cheer]

♪♪♪

♪ We're fast, we're loose ♪

♪ We're out of control ♪

♪ We're years young ♪

♪ And on the pole ♪

[women cheer]

[Woman] Oh, my God, it is so, so sexy.

And there's a real sense of danger. Mostly for them,

because they could really get hurt.

[music plays, women cheer]

[DJ] Here he comes, ladies!

Lookin' for love and his reading glasses.

- [cheering]

[Mark] Uh, I've been doing this

since they closed the Oshawa plant.

Auto workers and strippers are in the same union

so, you know, I got to keep my benefits.

[electronic music]

[Woman] Oh, my God, he still has a landline! That's so hot!

[women cheer] [line beeping]

♪♪♪

[DJ] He's a father figure and has a father figure.

[Dave] I used to dance under the name of Jack the Stripper,

which I thought was very clever.

Other people seemed to think it was creepy.

So, now I dance under the name Lord Greystroke,

for reasons that will become immediately apparent.

[women cheer]

♪♪♪

Things get wild in the VIP Room.

- [laughs]

[romantic music plays]

- This is for the TV. - Okay.

- Is this the cable? - Let's find out.

- Don't touch the remote! - Sorry.

♪♪♪

- I got arthritis and my wife's now part of the act.

♪♪♪

- Keeps the marriage spicy.

- Just let me do it!

[music stops abruptly] [crowd] Aw!

- You're hurting me. - Ugh!

[music starts, women cheer]

[DJ] This guy will ride you like a lawnmower.

[women cheer]

♪♪♪

[tape measure recoils] - It's more like that.

[women cheer]

[Woman ] I could easily take any of these guys home with me.

The fantasy is very achievable.

[women cheer]

- Whoa.

- Sometimes I do let them take me home.

You know, I can't drive at night.

'Cause I'm night-blind.

[Woman] His balls hang so low!

- Give those fellas a hand!

- [cheering] Wooooooo!

[Bruce] We don't make as much as the young guys.

[coins clink] It's mostly loonies and toonies.

- Ow! Ow! - But it adds up.

And it hurts.

- Agh! [coins clink]

[women cheer]

- So, we're minutes into a -minute episode.

Nice pacing there, Marv.

What's the big idea for hit characters this season?

- Well, Don...

it's us.

- Me?

- Yes, Don, you. - Oh.

- Yeah, apparently, you're very relatable

to the youth culture. - [laughs]

Well then, stand back, Marv. - Oh, uh...

[♪ Shadowy Men: Having an Average Weekend"]

♪♪♪

- Don, what are you doing? - I'm slaying.

♪♪♪

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♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Spin me, Marv.

♪♪♪

Other way, Marv.

♪♪♪

- Enough yet, Don? - Keep going.

- [panting, feet tap quickly]