06x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

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[Man] Mm-hmm. Hmm. [Man and woman giggling]

Mm-hmm. - [giggles]

- It's all going so fast. - [giggling]

[Doctor] Ah, so,

would you like to know the sex of your baby?

- Oh, no. No, no, we don't. - No, no, no, no.

We're having a gender reveal party.

- Oh, wonderful!

Although, there are a few things that I see on the screen

that I would like to talk about.

- Oh, no, no, no, no! - Uh-uh.

- We don't, we really don't wanna know anything

about our baby until the party.

- Well, that would be inadvisable in this case.

- Well, if our friends can wait, so can we, you know.

- Yeah. - Well, your friends

aren't having a baby. - Don't mansplain me.

- I'm a woman.

- Put the picture in the envelope.

- Fine. There we go. - Thank you. Let's go!

- Good luck.

[Diana] Stop. [giggling] [Jason] No, no, no.

- Do it! - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

All right, all right,

the moment we've all been waiting for.

Okay, ready?

Ah! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- It's a boy! It's a boy! - Wait, wait.

- What's that? Oh, what's it say?

- [reads] "With the head of a mouse."

[suspenseful music]

But how?

[pleasurable moaning]

- Oh, hey! - What, what?

- Could you get the um... - Hmm? Really?

- in the drawer, yeah. - [laughs] Okay.

Yeah, all right. [drawer rasps open]

[mouse squeaks]

Ow! - What?

- I just thought I saw something.

- What? - Hello.

[Both giggling, buzzing]

[Gavin] And little did that mouse realize

that he would become a coparent that very night.

And that child?

That child grew up to be a famous Disney character.

I needn't say his name, as it's sort of obvious.

And also, I'm not allowed to.

In fact, in fact, in fact,

I am the youngest person to ever receive

a cease-and-desist letter from the Disney Corporation.

[pages rustle]

Oh, did you know that I have a theory

about conspiracy theorists?

They don't exist!

It's all a government conspiracy.

One time, one time,

I put my dog's X-rays on top of mine

to see what it would look like

if my dog lived inside of me.

- Okay, quiet time, now.

- Aren't you a little old to be having a baby?

- Aren't you a little old to be playing a kid?

- Well, the elephant just landed.

Speaking of elephants, they don't forget...

or forgive.

[♪ Shadowy Men: "Having an Average Weekend"]

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[slow, romantic music, window creak open]

[traffic below hums, siren wails]

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[grumbles]

[rapid knock on door]

[Francesca] Bruno Puntz Jones, open the door!

[cup and saucer rattle] - Francesca Fiori,

the door is unlock. Open it yourself.

[door crashes open]

- Bruno, don't be such a bisha.

- Don't be such a taxing woman.

I'm just about to go enjoy my bathing with the bubbles.

- Ay! Bath, huh?

Is not for me.

We have not done the dirty deed in forever!

- Francesca Fiori,

we have sex yesterday!

- Only one time.

[gasps loudly] Bruno? What is this?

I hope you have explanate.

- This is for you, my darling.

- Ha! - It's breakfast. Eat!

- Is for me, huh? - Hmm.

- Is for me? - Si.

- Then Bruno, make love to me, now!

[glass shatters]

On the floor! - Please!

Let me have my grapefruit.

- Always the excuse, huh?

I make love to my lover two hour ago,

and now I'm ready to go again.

- I k*ll him! [woman giggles in distance]

[Kn*fe clangs] - I k*ll her!

Bruno? I think we have a problem.

- What? No. No, no.

Don't catastrophize.

That... I just forget to turn the tap off.

[Woman] Bruno! I need my toes cleaned!

- And I forget a woman in the tub.

[Kn*fe clangs] - Bruno, we need to see

a couples counselling, now!

- Francesca Fiori,

it's : in the morning.

- Hmm. Now. [heels click lightly]

[shutters creak open, traffic hums below]

Not in New York!

- [exasperated sighs]

But who will see us on such short notice?

[heels click] - I had a hunch.

[door creaks open, inquisitive music]

Meet Dr. Otis Melanchoir,

world-renowned sex therapist.

[suspenseful music]

- [sighs]

♪♪♪

- Welcome to your new home...

Cookie and Mr. Sparks.

I've never had roommates before.

Just pay your share of the rent!

But seriously...

mi casa es su casa.

Do you wanna play?

[bell jingles]

You're right, keep eating, keep eating.

[chewing continues]

Look at us...

three cool cats.

[cat grumbles]

You're right, two cool cats. Keep eating, keep eating.

[cat meows]

[Parker] Cookie? Mr. Sparks?

Hey, kitties!

I just wanted to say goodnight!

[posts cr*ck and thump]

♪♪♪

[saw clangs]

Hmm. Curious.

[cat meows]

[saw clangs]

[footsteps thud on stairs]

[cat meows]

I can hear you!

Where are my babies?

[cat meowing]

[button clicks, meowing stops]

Hmm.

Curious again.

[player rattles]

[gasps in horror, Kn*fe clangs]

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[papers crinkle]

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Oh, my God!

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[gasps]

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And Mr. Sparks was my favorite.

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The reason I wanna hire a private investigator

like yourself, is because I want you to follow someone.

- Well, that's what I do.

I follow people.

- Now, this may seem odd, but I'm just come out

and say it.

Deep breath, Parker! [exhales]

[whispers] I want you to...

follow my cats!

- Okay.

What I think I heard you say was...

[mocking] This may sound odd,

but I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Deep breath, Parker!

I want you to...

[whispers] follow my cats!

- That is correct. And good impression!

- Thank you.

Do your cats look anything like this?

- Yes! It's... it's almost uncanny.

- Hmm.

[door clicks open] [sinister music]

- Hello, Kitties!

I'm home!

[screams in horror]

[groceries clatter]

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- [sighs] This was no accident.

[Parker] Yes, Detective. I...

[whispers] I believe my two cats k*lled this man.

- Why didn't you come to us earlier?

- A man's dead 'cause you didn't come to us first!

- Do you think it's still the same two cats?

- Maybe. - See, here's what they do.

They get themselves adopted by some lonely, old guy,

some very lonely, lonely, friendless guy,

who wanders around mostly in slippers,

some very lonely, pathetic guy.

- And then, they pounce like cats!

- And k*ll him. - [gasps] Oh, my God!

I would consider Philippe Winger from work a friend.

- Mr. Winger does not like you.

We interviewed him.

Hey my... my g*n's gone! The cat's got my g*n!

- Everybody down! [sinister music]

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- [exhales] - I found it.

I dropped it in the car. - Oh.

- Don't b*at yourself up. These things happen.

You need to get one of those snaps on your holster

so you know that... my g*n's gone!

- Everybody down!

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[g*nshots cracking, cats meowing]

[Scott] Calling all cars! Officer down!

sh*ts fired by a cat!

Suspects are two long-haired Persians

with a Smith and Wesson. Oh, God! No!

[g*nshots cracking] - Nooooooo!!

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[soft romantic music]

- So, I'd like to start by asking you both

a few questions. Francesca?

- Si. - What do you think of

when you think about sex with Bruno?

- Ah! His hideous cock.

[Doctor] Hmm.

And what makes it so hideous? - Well, Doctor,

when he gets excite, it fill with blood.

- Well, that's normal.

- We're talking about a lot of blood. Here.

- I'm already working on... one.

- So much blood, sometimes it bleeds.

- Oh, like some sort of penile stigmata.

- Si. So, Doctor, it's very hard to be in the mood, huh?

When you always think about the Baby Jesus.

- Who else has seen this miracle penis?

- Well, just us, and uh, the Pope.

- The Pope. - And uh, oh, the pilgrims.

- Ah, the pilgrim. - Yes.

- Bruno,

what do you think of...

when you think about sex with Francesca?

- Well, let me tell you something, Doc.

- Aw. [chuckles]

- I think about the Macedonian insurgence.

- Ah.

- I think about my sweet mother, on fire.

- Hmm.

- I think about Francesca's mouth,

with a whole extra set of teeth.

- Mm.

- Have you ever tried p*rn?

- Well, once when I was young,

I make films. - Three.

- Watching p*rn.

- Ah. - Watching, oh no.

- To watch, to watch, no. - No, it's terrible stuff.

- Now, now, now, one time. - We did, that's true.

We did one time, we did watch. - Don't like.

- No, we did not like. No. - Because we...

we think it was pretentious.

- Very. You know, it's like the girl, she order a pizza,

the pizza guy come, and she just have sex with him.

Nobody pay for the pizza. What's gonna happen

when he goes to pizzeria? - No.

- He's gonna get fired. This is terrible.

- Is bad. She don't even eat the pizza.

- No.

- You know, I think the problem could be one of relaxation.

- Ay. - Ay?

- Have you ever thought about having sex,

before you have sex?

- Really?

- Do you think it could work?

- I do.

[Both chuckle sheepishly]

- You don't mind if I watch, do you?

- We insist. - Yes. Insist.

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[door clicks open] [Jack] Hey, Honey!

- Jack! You're home early. Have some wine.

- Ooh, that sounds like a lovely idea.

- It is!

- And it also sounds like a very appropriate idea.

- Oh?

- 'Cause I have a big surprise for you.

- Really? Well, what is it?

- You know that house you've been looking at?

[exhales] Well...

I bought it.

[glasses clink] Cheers!

- Sorry, what house? - Your dream house.

The one that you love, you know the house

you've been going on and on about?

- I uh, I really don't know what house

you're talking about, Jack. - Oh Honey, sure you do.

Remember yesterday, we were driving home

and we passed that house for sale, and you said

"I wonder what that goes for?" - Yeah?

- Well, now we know. $. Million.

[glasses clink] Cheers!

- $. million, are you joking? - Well, Honey,

it's not like I could haggle.

I wanted to close the deal today.

- Jack, that was just idle curiosity.

It was... it was chit-chat.

- Well, it didn't seem like idle chit-chat.

Bordered on an obsession.

- Jack! We can't buy that house!

That would be crazy.

- Well, of course not, Honey. - [sighs with relief]

Oh, thank God. - Yeah, we can't buy a house

we already bought, that would be crazy.

- Oh sh*t.

- And I gotta be honest with you, when you're actually

in that place, it's not as nice as it looks from the street,

as you're quickly driving by. - Uh huh.

- Yeah, it's a lot smaller than you'd think,

and there's a fair amount of pretty severe structural damage.

But I knew it would break your heart not to have it. So...

[glasses clink] Cheers!

- Stop clinking my g*dd*mn glass! [slurps]

- You're right, Honey.

There'll be plenty of time to celebrate later.

Right now, we have got to pack!

- Pack?

[boxes clunking]

- Yep.

The new owners wanna start moving in here tomorrow.

- What are you talking about? - Well, Honey,

I had to sell this house to buy the new house, right?

And to be honest with you, I didn't really get as much

for this place as I could have because I'm, what they call,

"highly-motivated seller."

All in all, we lost about $ Grand.

But it wasn't entirely your fault.

[items clattering] - Jack.

- Hmm? - Stop packing.

- We don't have a lot of time. We gotta get on top of this,

Sweetheart. We really need... - Come here. Come here.

...to do this. Hun. - Come here.

- Honey, we really, we don't have time,

we gotta get everything-- - Look into my eyes.

- Oh, but I-I don't... - Jack?

- Uh huh?

- I'm not leaving this house. Do you hear me?

- But you have to! - I'm not.

- But-but-but you- - No. Mm-mm.

- But the people... - No.

- It'd be trespassing if you-- - No, Jack.

I'm not leaving here. - [sighs]

- You have to fix this. - Well, I have to say...

I'm a little startled by your ingratitude.

- My what? - Your ingratitude, Sandra!

I mean, I mean, look what I did!

Look what I did! I...

I sold this house,

the house that I love, I sold it for you.

And did I think it was crazy?

You bet your ass, I thought it was crazy!

But I did it anyway! I did it for you!

I did it for you! [glass shatters]

Are you crazy? - Am I crazy? Seriously?!

- Yes! Seriously! Are you, I mean...

I don't even know who you are right now.

You know what? Maybe we should just call it quits.

- Fine by me, you little piece of sh*t f*ck!

- All right, great. You know what?

You can keep the new house.

I mean with my allergies and all that black mold,

I can't even breathe in that place.

[footsteps recede]

[door opens and shuts]

- What's the address?

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[upbeat romantic music]

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[zipper whizzes]

- Ah! - Ah!

- So, how was it? - Well...

we do the pre-sex. - Mm-hmm.

- And then we do the sex-sex. - Ah.

- And it's very relax. - Almost no v*olence.

- And very little blood.

- Thank you Dr. Melanchoir.

You have saved our divorce.

- Here, let me freshen your drink.

- Well, I haven't had any... yet.

Glad I could be of service.

Do you mind if I use your bathroom for about minutes?

- Of course! - [hard slap]

- What was that for?

- For what you're about to do. - What am I about--

[hard slap] - That was for Bruno.

I missed! - I'm not complaining.

Only need eight minutes.

[soft romantic music]

- So, Francesca Fiori,

are you ready for the post-sex-sex?

[hands slaps]

- I am now. - Ay.

[Both chuckle sheepishly]

- Mwah.

- Ay.

I'm so hot.

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number , Jillian.

- Raccoons are super cute!

But every day,

I see so many of them as roadkill,

and it makes me super sad!

[deep inhale] And then,

I get to thinking about the math of it,

and I'm like...

if I am seeing that many raccoons

on my little stretch of highway,

every single day,

how many f*ckin' raccoons

are there out there anyway?

It's like, is there some big, f*ckin' like...

raccoon mothership,

just like squirting out babies

in the forest behind my house, or what?

It scares the sh*t outta me. [exhales]

[whispers] It should scare the sh*t out of everyone.

[cute voice] And then, they have those little masks.

And they eat your trash.

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number , Jillian.

♪♪♪

[bell jingles on door, indistinct chatter]

- I've been here an hour.

Where is the target?

[Methiere] Relax, Mr. Potter.

I'm confident that our target will present themselves

before too long. - But...

- I'm not paying you to say "but" to me, Mr. Potter.

I am paying you vast amounts of money

to scan the conversations around you

until you hear our target say the code words.

And when they do, to eliminate them!

Understood?!

- Understood.

[utensils clink, indistinct patron chatter]

[Man] Well, you know, I told her.

[Kevin] So, you were telling me where you work.

[Scott] Yes, I work for the government. That's what I do.

- But what is it you do, do?

- You said "doo doo". - [chuckles] Did I?

- Yeah! [Woman] He said "doo doo"!

[All laughing]

- He said "doo doo". He did! - He said "doo doo".

[All repeating] He said "doo doo"!

[laughing]

- Everyone has said it.

Everyone has said the code word.

- Then k*ll them all. - But...

- Ah, that word again!

- Which is my target? - Doo doo. [laughs]

[Methiere] It's amusing to me, Mr. Potter,

that you seem to have all the time in the world

to say, "but, but, but" to me, repeatedly,

but apparently no time... - Doo doo!

- ...to simply draw and point the invisible w*apon...

- Doo doo! - That I furnished you with

and execute our agreement.

- [frustrated exhale] - Do it!

[Man] Did you hear that? He said "doo doo". [laughs]

[invisible g*n whizzes] - Ungh!

- Invisible g*n!

[invisible b*ll*ts whiz]

[patrons screaming]

[invisible b*ll*ts whiz]

[bodies thud to the ground]

[glass shatters]

[sinister music]

[Kevin] Uh! uh... no!

[grunting]

[deep inhales]

[inhaler rattles]

Huh? Ungh!

[stammering indistinctly]

No! No, no! No, no!

Wah! Ah!

[invisible b*llet whizzes]

[footsteps thud, helicopter whirs overhead]

[footsteps quicken]

[siren wails]

[footsteps shuffle]

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[Police radio] All units be on the lookout

for a suspect possibly dressed as a delivery man.

[door opens and shuts]

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[door clunks, pen clicks]

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[indistinct police radio chatter]

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[circus music]

[whip snaps]

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[whip snaps]

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[button beeps, music stops]

[footsteps thud away quickly]

[items crash]

[heavy door roars open]

[slow footsteps stop]

[lights click on]

[Methiere] You've finished the job, Mr. Potter.

- Yes. - Good.

[whirring] - Approach me.

[lights buzz]

[footsteps thud]

[briefcase clunks]

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Potter.

Unlike your conscience, my hands are clean.

[briefcase rattles]

You can count it, if you like.

- No need.

[briefcase clunks closed, clasps snap]

Damn it. I need to know why I k*lled

a dozen people today.

- Because they said,

"You said 'doo doo'" of their own free will.

Those vulgarians made their choice,

and now they're dead.

- You k*lled them for a silly joke?

- Joke!? Look about this room, sir.

I do not joke about my ablutions, Mr. Potter.

The very fabric of society

unravels every time another subhuman

descends to the level of a witless toddler,

to retort to the question,

"What is it that you do do?"

Toilet humor...

is not comedy!

[grunts, poop splashes]

[recoils in disgust]

- So, they all had to die?

- Yes. All of them.

And, I hope you like working, Mr. Potter,

because you are going to k*ll

every single person

that says...

"You said 'doo doo'."

[invisible Kn*fe unsheathes and pierces]

Invisible Kn*fe!?

Why?!

- You said "doo doo".

- I'm allowed to say it!

I'm commenting on the phenomenon,

not endorsing it!

What have you done?

You've k*lled me!

[grunts, thuds on the ground]

Ugh! Ugh!

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[pants heavily]

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- Did I k*ll you?

Or did I Ass-Ass-inate you?

- Noooo!

[stammers indistinctly]

[arm falls lifeless to ground]

[♪ Craig Northey: "Take Me out to the Ball Game"]

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[bat cracks, crown cheers]

[bird chirps, turds splash violently]

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[turd bubbles, water burbles]

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