01x01 - Another Ballgame

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spending my timejust holding the line ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to givemore than I wanted to ♪

♪ Set in my ways losingtrack of the days ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you,then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you,then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ I never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and meand then came you ♪

- [PA] Flight 302 non-stop

to Chicago's O'Harefield is now boarding.

Passengers in rows 1 through 19

are now boardingthrough Gate 55.

Thank you.

- I'm back, Webster.

- Oh, hi, Miss Sandy.

- I just checked with the pilot.

We're ready to roll.

- Oh.

[audience laughs]

- Have you ever flownby yourself before?

- I never done anythingby myself before.

- Well, why don't Iwalk you to your seat,

and maybe later Captain Redman

will let us visithim in the cockpit.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Will that be smokingor non-smoking, sir?

[Webster giggles]

Have you ever met yournew guardian before?

- Not since I was akid, but he seemed nice.

- I'm sure you'lllike him very much.

- I sure hope he likes me.

[Katherine giggling]

- George, no, please.

This really isn't necessary.

- Whoopa!

It's tradition, my darling.

- Oh yes, really? [screams]

- Ta-dah!

- That was veryromantic, George.

- Thank you.

- Well, here it is.

- Yeah.

- Home.

- Yeah.

- Oh.

Do you like it?

- Do you?

- Oh, I think it'slovely, don't you?

- Yeah, if you're a flamingo.

[audience laughing]

- My secretary spent twoweeks decorating this place.

- Darling, did youtell your secretary

you were bringinghome a husband?

- Of course.

- And the husbandhappened to be a man?

[audience laughing]

- You think it's a tad poofy?

- Poofy?

This place passedpoofy on Tuesday.

[audience laughing]

- Maybe we'll like the bedroom.

- I'll get the bags.

[audience laughing]

- George, may Iask you something?

- [George] Sure.

- Do you think maybewe were a little hasty?

- About what?

- Well, you know, twopeople go on a vacation,

they meet on an ocean cruise,

and get marriedall in two weeks.

Doesn't that scare you?

- Darling, thecaptain introduced us

and I asked you to marry me.

What's so bad about that?

- I was dancing withhim at the time.

[audience laughing]

Oh.

- Poofy.

[audience laughing]

- You know, that's the mostimpulsive thing I've ever done.

- I once danced naked.

[audience laughing]

- Oh?

- Yeah, in the fountainin front of the plaza.

I was celebrating.

We just won the Super Bowl.

- Why were you naked?

- I thought it wasmy room at the time.

[audience laughing]

- I love it thatyou're impetuous.

- I love it that you loveit that I'm impetuous.

[doorbell dings]

I'll get the door.

[audience laughing]

- He's an animal, but I love it.

[audience laughing]

- This better be important.

[Jerry speaks foreign language]

[audience laughing]

- Who was that?

- Hare Krishna.

Back, darling.

[doorbell dings]

- I was looking forKatherine Calder-Young.

- Jerry!

- Katherine.

You like?

- Oh, Jerry, theapartment is exquisite.

- Do I know my Katherine.

- Oh!

[audience laughs]

- I want you to meet myhusband, George Papadapolis.

This is JerrySilver, my secretary.

- I am honored, sir.

Welcome to America.

[audience laughs]

- I live here.

[audience laughs]

- He speaks English beautifully.

- You see, George?

Jerry thinks that you're Greek.

- I am Greek.

- No, no, GreekGreek from Greece.

- Why would he think that?

- Well, I wired himthat I married a Greek

and we were on a Greek cruise

so I guess he just puttwo and two together

and came up with a-

- With a shipping magnate.

- You mean he's not?

- I used to play football.

Now I do color.

- I see, and whatcolors do you do?

[audience laughs]

- Oh, I do blackeyes, big red nose.

[audience laughs]- Oh, you know what?

- I said to the mayor

Janie, I said, butJerry, you stop that!

- An athlete, Katherine?

Are you mad?

You are a Calder-Young.

- She's a Papadapolis now.

- Swell.

We'll buy her a goat.

[audience laughs]- Jerry!

- All right, all right,all right, all right,

all right, all right, all right.

I flared. I'm sorry.

[audience laughs]

It's just that we have thosemeetings this afternoon.

- Meetings?- What meetings?

- Friends of theLincoln Park Zoo,

the Edgewater Community Council,

and the Citizens Committeefor the Protection of Statues.

Now Katherine, please,we shouldn't be late.

Could you assembleyourself, okay?

- All right, but just promiseme you won't pick on George.

- Very funny.

[audience laughs]

- You know, Jerry, you and Iaren't hitting it off well.

[audience laughs]

- I agree.

- Great. Get out.

- Fine. We'll lunch.

- Tuesday.- Fine.

- [George] Fine.

- The high five.

[audience laughs]

- Jerry, I boughtthis in Athens,

and I thought maybe it would...

Where's Jerry?

- I threw him out.

- I see.

Any particular reason?

- Katherine, look whathe's done to this place.

Where do I fit in?

- Oh.

So you don't like it?

- Well, there'snone of me in here.

There's no room for my stuff.

- What sort of stuffdo you need room for?

- A lot of stuff.

Trophies, my boxershorts, everything.

- You wanna bringtrophies in here?

- Well, you boughtyour puff in here.

[audience laughs]

- You get rid of the trophies,

and I'll tell Jerry toget rid of the poof.

- You keep your poof,I'll keep my trophies,

and we'll get rid of Jerry.

[audience laughs]

- Oh darling, all marriagesneed time to work things out.

We'll do it, I promise.

- Oh, that feels good.

- Is there anything Ican do to help you unwind

other than that?

[audience laughs]

- Could you make me some coffee?

- Of course.

How exactly is that done?

[audience laughs]

- You don't knowhow to make coffee?

- Instant.

- How about a beer?

- Beer I can make.

[door knocks]

- [Pete] Who do theylove in Chicago!

- Butkowski!

- Papadapolis!

- Butkowski!

- Papadapolis!

[Papadapolis shouting][audience laughs]

- Papadapolis!

- Butkowski!

- Papadapolis!

- Butkowski!

- Hey! Hey!

- [Both] Eat 'em up! Eat 'em up!

Eat 'em up!

[audience laughs][audience applauding]

- Katherine Calder-YoungPapadapolis.

This is my good friend and exlineman Peter Buddy Butkowski.

- Oh, that's a nice name.

- Could you get peanutbutter a cup of coffee?

- Certainly, Bud or Heineken?

- Fine.- Fine. We'll talk.

- She's a doll.

- Thanks.

- What does she see in you?

- I'm fun.

Come on, sit down, Pete.

- So what does she do?

I mean, you know, for a living?

- She's an ombudsperson.

- No kidding. What's that?

- An ombudsperson investigatescitizens complaints

against government agencies.

- Oh, a noodge.

[audience laughs]

- Straight, no cream no sugar.

- Katherine.- We'll talk.

- Sure is good to see you, pal.

- Good to see you, Pete.

- Gee, I felt badabout Travis Ingert.

- [George] Yeah.

- And I felt bad abouthaving to tell you

about, you know, the accident.

- It's okay.

- Well, here's toGeorge Papadapolis.

A real saint!

- What did I do?

- What did you do?

Come on, how manyguys would agree

to raise another guy's kid?

- Pete, I only agreedto raise the kid

if there's no next to kin.

- There is no next to kin.

[audience laughs]

- There's no next to kin?

- Zippo.

- Oh my God.

Pete, if you don't mind.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, I get it.

Da boom, bo, boom.

Handball Wednesday.

- Darling love.

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- Papadapolis residence?

- Yes.

- Yeah, sign here.

- It's a special delivery.

- Ah.

- He's all yours.

[audience laughs][audience applauds]

- George, did wejust buy a child?

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

[soft bright music]

George, this is insane.

Do you realize we have a hearing

with the child welfareboard next week?

- What am I supposed to do?

- What you're notsupposed to do is tell me

that I am the motherof that little boy.

- You're not the mother,you're the guardian.

See, it says it right here.

- Well, that takes thepressure off, doesn't it?

- Well, he's kinda cute.

- That's not the point.

- Katherine, whenyour best friend says

we're having a little baby, wewant you to be the godfather,

what am I supposed to do?

Make him sign a contract

says he's not gonnakick the bucket

until the kid graduatesfrom medical school?

- No, but youshould have told me.

- I forgot.

Who would think ofthings like that?

- Oh, this is impossible.

I don't know the firstthing about being a mother.

I'm just learninghow to be a wife.

- But I can't keep him?

- He's not a puppy,he's a child.

[audience laughs]

George, look, raisinga child is work.

It's hard work,and it's important

if you're gonna be aparent to be prepared

to be the best one you can be.

We're not prepared.

I have a career,you have a career.

Who's gonna be here for Webster?

I mean, it's not fair to him.

I just don't thinkhe can be happy here.

- Okay, okay, youmade your point.

Go on, clean statues ifthat's what makes you happy.

- Oh, why am I the bad one?

We agreed on everything

including the partabout no children.

- Katherine, I gavethose people my word.

I signed the papers.

I can't go back on that now.

- Nobody is asking you to.

Look, we will doeverything we can for him.

We'll find him a nice home.

- What is he, a puppy?

- That's not fair, George.

Webster.

Webster?

Webster?

- Web?

- He's not here.

- He's not in here either.

- George.

- "I've gone away.

I've caused enoughtrouble in your hose."

- That's house.

[audience laughs]

- "You have a nice house here.

Boy would be happy.

Webster Long Esquire."

[soft melancholic music]

Hey.

You couldn't takethe good seats, huh?

Like a normal kid.

- Tired, huh?

- Here, put this around you.

You still up here?

- Kinda chilly herein Chicago, isn't it?

- I brought you some coffee.

- I don't drink coffee.

- What are you, a communist?

[audience laughs]

- I'm a kid.

Anybody knows that kiddon't eat caffeine.

[audience laughs]

- That's where your dad ran96 yards for a touchdown.

- 1971 against Miami.

Dad fumbled theball, recovered it,

ran all the way, won the game.

And it wasn't 96yards, it was 98.

[audience laughs]

- Your dad and Iwere a real team.

We didn't make a movewithout each other.

- She doesn't like me.

- Who, Katherine?

Sure she does.

- No, she doesn't.

- Yeah, you're right.

- What?

[audience laughs]

- Well, when you thinkabout it, why should she?

- What's not to like?

[audience laughs]

- Well, you run away,

you don't tell uswhere you're going,

you scare us half to death.

It's not a whole lotof niceness going on.

- So if no one knew where Iwent, how come you're here?

- Well, I just figured if Ihad a dad and he played here,

this is where I'd be.

- So she doesn't like me.

- You like her?

- No.

[audience laughs]

- All right, then you're even.

You both have to work on it.

- How can we work onit if I'm not there?

- Listen, Webster, youneed a home, a family,

kids, people your own age.

- I don't eat much, and Iknow how to make my own bed.

[audience laughs]

- You wouldn't be happy with us.

- I'm tidy.

[audience laughs]

- Don't make it anyharder than it is.

- Did I mention thatI don't eat much?

[audience laughs]

- Well, you can stay withus for as long as it takes.

- As long as what takes?

- For us to findyou a good home.

- What am I, a puppy?

[audience laughs]

- Web, kids, family,don't you want a family?

- Don't you?

[soft music]

- Close the door.

[objects clanking]

Katherine.

- Hi.

- Hi, I thought you wereout protecting statues.

- I canceled.

Hey, pigeons have to live too.

Won't you sit down?

The food will beready in a moment.

- Darling, you can't cook.

- Any fool can make breakfast.

- This is dinnertime.

[audience laughs]

- This is my first meal.

You'll have breakfast.Sit down please.

Four, five, six.

[water sizzling]

Oh.

That'll be the waffles.

Bacon.

[audience laughing]

Waffles.

- That'll be the coffee.

[audience laughs]

- Coffee, demitasse, hotchocolate, and the toast.

[Katherine screams][audience laughs]

Why don't we go out?

- Web?

- Excuse me, please.

- I'll go.

[soft melancholic music]

Webster?

- Hi, ma'am.

- Are you crying?

Do you know why?

You wanna tell me?

- You remind me of my mother.

- I do?

Oh, because I wasmaking breakfast.

- No, because you'reruining breakfast.

[audience laughs]

Mom couldn't make steam.

[audience laughs]

Also, I like you.

- I like you too.

- So you keeping me?

- Webster, come onand sit up here.

We have to talk.

- We do?

- Yes, you see, wehave a little problem.

Webster, it isn't thatI don't like children.

I love children, otherpeople's children.

- I'm other people's children.

- Yeah, let me tryit another way.

Take the zoo, for instance.

Now some women go to the zoo,they love to go to the zoo,

they go to the zoo all the time.

- The zoo is fun.

- Right, for some women.

I am not one of those women.

I don't like the zoo.

- So we'll go to Marineland.

- I can't go to Marineland.

I have to go to work.

- Mom went to work.

- But did she go to Marineland?

- No.

- There, you see?

- She went to the zoo.

[audience laughs]

- Webster, you see,I don't know things.

I don't know lots of things

that you may need meto know, you know?

Well, like Mr. Rogers.

I've never seen Mr. Rogers.

I don't even knowhis first name.

- Fred.

[audience laughs]

- Now, thermometers,for example.

I can't read a thermometer.

- That's okay, no onecould read a thermometer.

- Well, how did your motherknow when you had a temperature?

- She kissed me on my forehead.

- Webster.

- Like this.

- Webster.

- Hi.- Hi.

- Everything okay?

- Fine. We're fine.

- You sure?

- We're fine, George.

[audience laughs][audience applauds]

- If you need anything,I'll be right over.

- Fine.- Fine.

- Fine.

- Webster, I think whatI'm trying to say is that

if there are any twopeople in the world

that can take better care ofyou than George and I can,

you deserve to find them.

- You really think someonecan take better care of me

than George and you?

- I don't know.

Maybe.

It's getting late.

Do you have pajamas?

Oh.

Well, you could wear this.

- Kinda poofy, isn't it?

- Yeah.

[audience laughs]

- Well, we'll talk aboutthis tomorrow after school

when we get youenrolled in something.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

[soft gentle music]

- It's just for one night.

- I'll never sleep.

- Is that a fact?

- Well, sleepingisn't everything.

- Hi!

[Katherine shouts][audience laughs]

We've gotta talk.

- I beg your pardon.

- Look, you guys knowwhat you think is best,

but I only gottatell you one thing.

- What's that?

- No matter what happens,

I am not changing my nameto Webster Papadapolis.

- Good night.

- Good night.

[soft music][audience laughs]

[upbeat bright music]