07x03 - Just for Laughs

[bunniefuu]

What do you want
with your coffee, Sophia?

Regis philbin.

Naked.

Not in my house.

It's great to be
back in the Weston kitchen.

Anybody from out of town?

Hey, sweetheart,
where are you from?

Are you on dope?

A heckler.

Cool.

- Charley, what's...
What's going on?

I'm gonna be a comic.

Yutz, you can't one day
just decide to be a comic.

Well, that's how much you know.

I already decided.

The ship's comic
got sick last night

so I did his act and I k*lled.

You?

Yeah.

What a sense of power.

I made some lady sh**t
piña colada out her nose.

Good thing I like pineapple.

I don't believe this.

- Guess who's
- opening Friday night.

At the laughter rafter?

Your favorite funny man, me.

You? What are you
gonna do for material?

I'll write my own stuff.

I'm quick. Watch this.

Hey, how about those dolphins?

Boy, do you need help.

Come down to shady pines
and talk to my boyfriend Sydney.

He does 20 minutes

of the funniest
stand-up you have ever seen.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Trying to get up
out of his chair.

Now, people, people.

I ain't a-tellin' you again.

You cannot wait
for the bus in here.

And I'm warning you.

You better hope
Dr. Douglas don't see you

when she walks through that door

'cause if she sees yuns,

she's gonna bite yuns head off.

Good morning, boys and girls.

Scary.

Dr. Douglas,
most of these people

are waitin' for the bus.

Now, I'm telling you,

we need
these seats for patients.

But there's no shelter out there

and it's hot.

You cannot wait in here.

This is a waitin' room.

Ironic, ain't it?

Let them stay.

- All right.
- But patients have priority.

You, you get up
and let him sit down.

Now. That's better.

Here comes the number 12.

Laverne, maybe you'd better
call the transit authority

about that bus shelter.

I already did.

I spoke
to some guy named plunket.

He told me to put
my complaint in writin',

then he made some kinda
weird bus noise and hung up.

- Give me the number.
Let me try.

- Hey!
Bubble wrap!

I got bubble wrap here!

Here you go.

Want some bubble wrap, Laverne?

- Sure, Sally.
- I'll take me a pop or two.

How about
a jell-o sculpture of Arizona?

It kinda melted.

Well, it's hot in Arizona.

- Any mail for me today?
Did I get any mail?

Nothin'
for you, dear. Sorry.

Well, sorry
doesn't fill my mailbox.

Sally, honey, who you
expectin' a letter from?

- My best friend.
- Who's your best friend?

- How do I know?
I haven't gotten the letter yet.

Did you check
the postage-due section?

Nothing.

- Okay.
Well, that's it.

No mail for Sally.

I'm gonna go yell at cars.

Poor ol' Sally.

Comin' in here every day
looking for mail.

Never gettin' any.

It is sad.

Come on, Laverne.

She's doing okay.

She's up and about,
she's healthy.

Checkin' her mail,
passing out bubble wrap,

tap dancing
on the hood of my car...

Sally!

Daddy, can you get
the pancake syrup?

- Yes, sweetheart.
There you go.

You know, we're almost out.

I'll put it on the list.

And we need light bulbs.

Got it.

You wanna ask them
what they're doing here

or should I?

All yours.

Sophia...

- Quick, Sydney.
Find a condom.

- My god.
- What time is it?

Well, it's... it's
8:00 o'clock in the morning.

Have you been here all night?

Yeah. Sophia
was helping me write my act.

Let me see
what you two have got so far.

"So the soldier says,

capture rommel? I thought
you said 'ruptured a camel.'"

You'd whistle too if your nuts
were roasting.

These... these aren't jokes.
They're just punch lines.

Hey, that's all
I could remember.

Charley,
perhaps I can contribute

a little something here.

I hate to brag, but I have had

some uproarious experiences
in absurdist humor.

But enough about your sex life.

Boy, I'm cooking now.

I got one.

What do you get
when you cross a chicken

with an air conditioner?

- I don't know.
What?

- I don't know either.
Help me, Harry.

Charley,
just try writing some jokes

based upon personal observation.

You know,
the kind of things that...

You know, funny things
that happen in real life.

For example, you know
how when you're at the gap

and you're trying on jeans,

and suddenly
it gets really quiet

and you swear you can hear
those skinny little 17-year-olds

who work there snickering

because you can't
fit into a size 4?

Right, like it's just me.

Harry, I'm gonna go on
and I don't have any material.

What am I gonna do?

Find a ventriloquist
and sit on his lap.

Get out the butter,
I'm on a roll.

- Dr. Douglas?
- Um...

Did you ever get in touch
with that plunket guy?

Yes, I called
and I was very reasonable.

I said, "I can appreciate
how difficult your job is,

"but it occurs to us
that even a brain-dead baboon

"knows that
if you move the damn bus stop,

you gotta move
the damn bus shelter, damn it!"

What'd he say to that?

"To review your message
press the pound key."

Anybody want a toothpick
from Willie's diner?

Mint-flavored, only used once.

Here, Laverne, have a handful.

Thanks, Sally.

Well, I'll just pick up my mail

and be on my way.

Sally, honey.

Listen to me carefully, dear.

This is not a post office.

Yeah, and parking meters
don't eat toast.

Hey, you got change for the bus?

No, she does not!

This is not a bank!
This is not a bus depot!

This is a medical clinic!

Disgruntled postal worker.

Hit the deck!

Sally, it's okay.

I'm a doctor.

Well, I know
you're not a foot model.

Guess I'd better go.

Sally, wait.

Don't you want me
to check the postage-due box?

Nah, what's the use?

Hey.

Lookie what we got here.

A letter for Sally.

- Wait a minute.
Let me see that.

- Sally?
It says "Sally"?

What's the last name on it?

They ain't one.

That's me!

I got a letter.

Can you believe it?
I got a letter.

I'm so glad
you're happy, darlin'.

Boy, I got
a million things to do.

Open it, wash my hands,

unfold it, wash my hands,

read it, wash my hands,

read it again and then...

Wash your hands?

- No.
Buy more soap.

Hey, have a toothpick.

I got a letter!

Don't know why
I always let you drive.

That's the fastest
I've ever ridden in a car.

Dr. Douglas,
it wasn't that fast.

Laverne,
it is now 8:00.

We left my house
at 10 after 8:00.

We went back in time.

Well, we didn't wanna be
late for Charley's big night.

Listen, everybody.

Let's do Charley a favor.

Even if he's not funny,
let's laugh.

Hey, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome
to the laughter rafter.

Thank you.

I'm your host, Nick Kessler,

but that's my problem.

Your problem
is the next guy coming up.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Charley dietz.

So, is anybody from out of town?

Screw you!

What is that, a college?

Before I start,
I... I... I'd like to say

a special thank you
to someone who gave me

some very valuable advice.

Dr. Harry Weston.
Stand up, Harry.

Well, Harry told me
that the best comedy comes

from personal observation.

And he oughta know.

He's got an exam room
with a peephole.

I mean, the guy
is desperate for action.

And no wonder,
look at that head.

Harry,
how do you comb that hair?

With a wood chisel?

We're talking desperate.

He's the only doctor I know
who starts his breast exams

with dinner and a movie.

But at least he's
an equal opportunity pervert.

He gave me an exam and said,

"turn your head
and kiss me."

Hey, you.

- You.
That's funny, Harry.

You see me and go, "you."
Like, who else could I be?

I could use that.
That's good.

No, you can't use that.

It's not funny
and you're not funny.

Charley, you humiliated me.

The entire
medical community in Florida

is doing Harry Weston jokes.

They're faxing them in.

Come on, Harry.

So I said
your hair's a little stiff.

Stiff?
What am I saying?

The last woman who ran her
fingers through that hair

got splinters.

Charley...

I'm serious, Harry.

You could
cut bread on that head.

What do you wash your hair
with, Thompson's waterseal?

All right, that's it,
that's it, that's it, Charley.

Get out of my house.

- Yeah, right.
- You kick me out now,

but you'll kick me back in again

once you see me
on television. Look.

You're gonna be
on evening at the improv?

With bobcat goldthwait.

They had a talent scout
in the audience last night

and they thought I was weird.

In a good way.

So, I'm flying out
to Hollywood tomorrow.

Charley, do not humiliate me

on national television.

But, Harry, you're my whole act.

Then write a new act.

But that's hard.

Friends don't
hurt friends, Charley.

Think about it.

For once in your life,

weigh your priorities.

Harry...

Career.

Career, Harry.

Best friend...

Hollywood.

Good morning,
favorite nurse o' mine.

It's a beautiful day

and all is right with the world.

If you got lucky last night,

I don't wanna know about it.

Better than that.

We're getting
our waiting room back.

Good.

Don't you wanna hear the story?

No.

Okay, what?

Well, I went down
to plunket's office

and I told him
if he was going to turn

our place into a bus station,

we would turn
his office into a clinic.

And...

And he laughed at me.

So I snapped on my rubber glove

and told him
he was my first patient.

Needless to say, we're
getting our waiting room back.

And?

Laverne, we got our bus shelter.

- Doctor.
- I am sorry.

I am up
to my eyeballs in letters.

I've got nine more from Sally,

and I've got two yet to answer.

Well, excuse me, Laverne,

but why do you have
to answer each one individually?

It's the hickory way.

Somebody goes to the trouble
to write you a letter,

you write them back.

sh**t, my aunt odelle,
she even answered junk mail.

"This is my letter to the world

that never wrote to me."

Sally wrote this?

This is kinda poetic.

Actually, it's Emily Dickinson.

And ain't that a coincidence?

'Cause I just
love Emily Dickinson.

You, Laverne?

Yeah.

The playful aphoristic style,

the superb metrical balance,

the concise lyrical form.

How do you know all that?

They learned us 'uns real good

up yonder at hillbilly high.

Yoo-hoo.

- Morning, Sally.
- Morning.

Hey, do you have
any change of address forms?

Are you moving?

No, I'm just changing a dress.

Hey, hey!

Postal joke.

Any mail for me today?

Yeah, here you go, Sally.

Listen, Sally,
you know, your new friend

may not be able to keep up
with all this letter writin'.

Fish sticks, she's
got all the time in the world.

She's a congresswoman.

What makes you say that?

No stamps.

Well, I gotta go.
I got a lot of writing to do.

"A word is dead
when it is said, some say.

I say it just
begins to live that day."

Emily Dickinson.

You like Emily Dickinson?

- Sure do.
But we don't go out much.

She's dead.

I almost forgot.

See ya.

Golly, how am I gonna
keep up with all this?

Laverne,
why don't you just stop?

I can't.

She's so lonely.

Listen to this.

"You ever get scared?

"I am all the time.

"I'm scared of dark nights
and waking up alone,

"of angry dogs, blind corners,

and cold faces."

Emily Dickinson?

No.

Sally.

"I'm not so scared now though.

"Now I have
someone I can count on,

someone I don't have
to be foolin' all the time."

Sounds
like she's found a friend.

Coming up next
on evening at the improv,

Jackie bok choy,

the Chinese carrot top,

and newcomer Charley dietz.

I can't believe
I'm watching this.

I'm sorry I'm late,

but shady pines
had a lingerie party.

Ida broke a hip
trying on a Teddy.

Teddy broke a hip trying on ida.

Sophia, Charley's on.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

Charley dietz.

My god, I'm on TV.

Cool.

I'm not watching this.

I'm not.

You know, a friend of mine

told me that the best comedy
comes from personal observation.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

And my good friend
bobcat oughta know.

He's got a dressing room
with a peep hole.

I mean, the guy
is desperate for action.

He's the only comic I know
who starts breast exams

with dinner and a movie.

And no wonder!

Look at that head of his.

I mean, what does
he comb his hair with,

a wood chisel?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Very nice.

Charley dietz.

You'll never forget him.

We'll be right back.

And we're into commercial.

Hey, man, you really sucked.

Good one.

Coffee.

I need coffee.

Check the end of your arm.

I'll just drink this then.

Laverne,
what is wrong with you today?

It may be today to you, doctor,

but to me it is still yesterday

'cause I's up
writin' letters all night.

Laverne, you're a mess.

Look at yourself.

I don't want to.

I'm scared.

Don't you see what's happening?

You've got to stop
this letter writing.

It's starting
to affect your health.

You're right.

I'm just gonna
have to bite the b*llet

and tell Sally,
"no more letters."

Yoo-hoo.

Where's my mail?

Dr. Douglas,
where is her mail?

That's a good question.

And I'd love to answer it,

but I've got bagel dogs
steaming in the sterilizer.

So where's my mail?

Sally...

Um...

Well, it's just that your friend

isn't gonna be able
to write to you anymore.

Why not?

Because she's, um...

She's...

Been abducted by aliens?

Okay.

Space or illegal?

Space?

Damn, they always
take the nice ones!

I'm sorry, Sally.

No matter.

I'm used to it.

I just go back to having nobody.

Well, see you 'round.

Sally...

"I'm nobody.

"Who are you?

"Are you nobody, too?

"Then there's a pair of us.

"Don't tell.

Both: "They'd banish us,
you know?"

Sally, I wrote those letters.

You?

Yeah.

Well, Laverne,
that kinda begs the question:

What's the inside
of a spaceship like?

Sally, I made that up.

So you don't want
to write to me anymore?

Honey, I can't.

But we don't need letters.

Why not?

Because we're friends.

Really?

You mean,
we can do stuff together?

Why, sure.

Do you wanna go out
and touch some trees?

Sure.

I'll see you after work.

- I get off at 5:00.
- Okay.

I loved your letters, Laverne.

Thank you.

But you might wanna keep

those hickory stories
to yourself.

They make you sound kinda crazy.

Charley, you're back!

Harry, babe, let's do lunch.

I'll have my people
empty your fridge.

Charley,
I... I... I really want you to know

that I appreciate
what you did on the show.

I know it was
very important to you

and I'm sorry
things didn't work out.

Harry,
what are you talking about?

I k*lled.

Charley, the audience
didn't laugh once.

Harry, Harry, Harry...

This is television.

They put the laughs in later.

They loved me.

They had security
rush me to the airport.

I was 18 hours
early for my flight.

Yeah, I'm hot stuff.