07x18 - Harry Weston: Man's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

Dr.Douglas, Dr. Douglas,
guess what happened to me.

You got knocked up?

- No.
- Too bad.

Could've given you a great deal
on a c-section.

Anyway, I was just
at the dry cleaner's

a-givin' him hell about meltin' my
buttons and strippin' my zippers

when this fella behind me
says, "excuse me, miss,

"but could you sound
as authoritative yet folksy

with a microphone
stuck in your face?"

Next thing I know, he asked me

to audition for a TV commercial.

No kiddin'!

He thought my voice
would be perfect

for this little cartoon owl
named reason

who gives kids good advice.

You would be
the voice of reason?

And talk about your typecastin',

I love tellin' people
what to do.

And listen to this:

Hooty-hoot!

Uncanny. If I was a mouse,
I'd soil myself.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one

- Hi, daddy.
Did you have a nice walk?

Walk?

We hurdled hedges
for two blocks.

So, dreyfuss,
what did we learn today?

With a poodle
we can be a badass.

With a pitbull
we run like little girls,

you know what I mean?
Yeah!

My poor pooped papa.

Nice smiley-face cookies!

No, no, no!
These are for my boss.

Mr. Braxton's been
in such a foul mood lately,

I thought I'd cheer him up
with a home-baked goody.

Aw, that's very
sweet of you, dear.

- Sweet?
Hell, it's calculated!

That's him now!

We're carpooling today.

Come with me, daddy,
I need your help. Come.

I forgot my purse.

- Well, fine, I'll...
- I'll let him in.

- Thanks, here.
- Okay.

And daddy, try to cheer him up,
okay?

Entertain him.
- Whoa, whoa, wait!

What do you want me to do,
a magic trick?

- No, better not.
I tried that yesterday.

He broke my wand.

- Hi, Mr. Braxton.
- Hi.

So, what's new?

w*r, famine,
flesh-eating viruses...

But that's the world we live in.

Smiley-face cookie?

I hate cookies.

Who doesn't?

So, the dolphins!

Yeah, should be
a hell of a game tonight

the way Marino's
been throwin' the ball.

Yeah, now if they can
just find somebody to catch it.

- Good one.
- Well...

Yeah, I got an extra ticket.

I was gonna take my buddy art,
but he just moved away.

Guess I should call him
my ex-buddy art.

You mean he's not
your friend anymore?

He moved to Brazil
with all my money.

So, you wanna go to the game?

- Wow! Yeah, that's great!
Thank you, Mr. Braxton.

It's no big deal.

And it's Ben.
Call me Ben...

Dr. Weston.

Well, you know, Harry.

Harry!

You know, you look like a Harry.

Now, art...
He looked more like a Phil.

I'm so sorry to keep you
waiting, Mr. Braxton.

That's okay, Carol.

I was just talkin' sports
with your dad.

Say, that's a nice outfit.
- Really?

Well, thanks for noticing!

Wait a minute, sir, I...
I made you a special treat.

Smiley-face cookies!

- Carol...
- No, that's okay, Harry.

You know, now that I think
about it, I don't hate cookies.

I hate art.

Thank god! I almost
painted him a landscape.

That was some hike!

Boy!
This is good.

Jeez!

We're... we're...
Man, we're up high!

Yeah!

My ex-buddy art
swears he saw the blimp pilot

come flying by with his pinky
up the old schnazola.

But I don't know, those
blimp jocks, are total pros!

Whoa!

Hi, how're you doin'?

Where's art?

- Forget art!
This is my new pal, Harry.

Harry, Lloyd.

Aren't you chilly?

Hey, you're right!

- Hey, Harry, ready for a beer
- yeah, fine, sure.

Yeah, no, no,
here, let me get it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey, my new pal Harry
is springin' for beer!

Whoa! His beer!

- Aw!
- Boo!

Yo! Two beers.

You know, not once
in all those years

did my ex-buddy art
ever buy me a beer.

Art bought me beer all the time.

- Here you go, pal.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Lloyd!
You're on TV!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Harry...

What?

Art always started the wave.

Whoo-hoo!

Good morning, Maxine.

- Hey, Harry.
What do you think?

I think I didn't know
Laverne was Jewish.

It was the only star
the florist had.

Harry,
Laverne aced the audition.

She got the part
in that commercial.

Isn't that great?

I'm verklempt!

- Mornin', y'all.
- There she is, Harry.

Our own little star.

- Come on, doctor.
- Now you're embarrassin' me.

And aren't you thoughtful?

But for future reference,
I am a methodist.

- Well, congratulations, dear.
We're... we're very proud of you.

Well, thank you, doctor,

but I couldn't have made it
this far without Dr. Douglas.

This woman is
a natural-born director.

Well, I was just workin'
with the Clay god gave me.

You're beautiful, babe.
- Back at ya.

Show people.

- Charley!
What are you doing here?

I might ask you the same thing.

I work here.

So you remember where you work

but you can't remember
that we were supposed to,

watch the game together
last night.

Harry, you stood me up.

Charley, I'm sorry I forgot,

but Carol's boss
had an extra ticket.

- I know!
I saw you on TV last night

havin' the time of your life

doin' the wave
with that painted gut guy!

All right, look,
would it make you happy

if we got together tonight?
How 'bout if we go bowling?

Just you and me?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Hey! Would you like me better
if I painted my gut?

- Of course not, Charley!
Come on, don't be an idiot.

- ...Harry...
- What?

You got any gut-cleaner?

Sophia, thank you for making
your fabulous lasagna.

You are a lifesaver!
- My pleasure.

That'll be 50 bucks.

Excuse me? $50?

Either that,
or invite me to dinner.

Well, of course you're invited!

What are we havin'?

- Lasagna.
- For 50 bucks?

Find yourself another sucker.

- Hi, dear.
- Daddy!

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you!

Yes, fine, fine, yes, fine.

You're... you're... you're welcome.
Just stop!

I'm sorry,
it's just that Mr. Braxton

was in the best mood today,

and it's all because
you walked into his life.

Carol, we just went
to a game together.

That's him now.

What?

I invited him
to have dinner with us.

Carol, I'm going bowling
with Charley tonight.

- Daddy, forget Charley.
You've got a new friend.

He's not my friend!

Carol, after the game,

he made me look through this big
scrapbook filled with pictures

of him and his ex-buddy art!

The man's weird!

Daddy, he may be weird,
but he can't wait to see you.

Go on!

- Hi, Ben.
- Hold that pose, buddy!

That's goin' on page one
of our scrapbook!

- Great! Great!
Come on in.

- Hello, Mr. Braxton.
- Evening, Carol.

- These are for you.
- Flowers from the boss?

Well, I guess I know how I rate.

Yeah, and this is
for you, amigo.

Okay, well, let's see...

Wait...

A laserdisc player...
I can't...

Page two!

Hey, buddy, let's hit the road!

I'm in the mood
for suds and pins.

- Not tonight, Charley.
Daddy's busy.

Charley, would you mind
if we did it another night?

Yes!

And who's he?

- Mr. Braxton is my boss.
Now, b*at it!

Your boss?

The guy with the tickets.

I should've figured.
- Charley, Charley, Charley,

wait, wait, wait,
come here, come here,

come here, come here,
come here, come here.

Why don't you join us
for dinner?

- Daddy!
- No, no, no, Carol, come on.

I think these two guys
might have a lot in common.

Yeah? What?

Well, you both like...

Me.
All right, Carol, come on.

I'll help you set another place.
Come on, dear.

So, Harry ever buy you a beer?

Harry buys all my beer.

Daddy, why didn't you
just tell him to go home?

Because I promised him that
we would get together tonight.

Besides,
if those two hit it off,

maybe they'll both
leave me alone.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

All right, all right, all right...
Now, whoa!

Somebody wanna tell me
what the hell happened here?

Harry, you haven't known me
very long.

But one thing I'm not is a fake!

Neither am I!

He started it.

He threw the first swing!

You assaulted my boss?

Shame on you, Charley!

Shame! Shame! Shame!

It's not my fault!

Your new pal told me to get
my feet off your coffee table.

So I said "excuse me, Mr. Man...

Harry's been my friend a lot
longer than he's been yours,

and he doesn't care
where I put my feet."

Yes, I do!

Shame on you!

Wait...

Whoa, whoa, wait here.
Wait a minute.

Now can't you two guys
just shake hands?

Come on, be friends.

Okay, Harry,
I can go the extra mile.

Fine.

All right, that's better.

I just don't want you to think
I'm some kinda hothead

who can't control his temper.

Hothead? I can control
my temper way better than you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

- Yeah??
- Yeah!!

Okay.

Damn.

We'll be starting
in a couple of minutes.

Lordy, look at all them
buttons and switches.

Makes me just wanna give one
twirl and see what'd happened.

Please, Laverne,
you're a professional now.

Act like one!
- Right.

Laverne, let me introduce you
to the rest of the cast.

Angie price,
this is Laverne Todd.

- Hi! Nice to meet you Laverne!
Okey-doke-aroonie!

- I know that voice!
- Why, you're Billy the brat!

- I just love that cartoon!
- Thank you.

That Billy,
he's such a sassy little devil!

Laverne...

- Be cool.
- Right.

Howdy.

Hi-ya, Laverne!

Michael Dennis, here.
Welcome aboard!

Well, thank you!

But I don't recognize
that voice you're a-doin'.

What voice?

Okay, looks like
we're ready to go.

Why don't you guys put on your
phones and we'll get a level?

Okay, everybody,
let's read this thing down.

In five, four, three...

Good.

Two...

- Look what I found, banjo!
Matches!

Whoo-hoo! Hey, that's great!

Let's go in the barn
and light stuff!

Yippee! Woof-woof!

- Not so fast, you two.
A book-a matches is not a toy,

for they could burn
a little boy.

Wow! I never even
thought-a that!

Yeah!

She makes a lot of sense.

You bet I do

that's why they call me reason.

Hee-haw... hee-haw?

Um, excuse me, um...

Shouldn't I be saying somethin'
a little more owlish

like hooty-hoot?

No, there's been
a little change in the script.

Reason's a mule now.

Okay, let's try it again.
- A mule?

That don't make no sense.

Well, the ad agency
did research.

Kids think owls are lame.
Mules are funnier.

Okay, everybody...
- Mules may be funnier,

although having known quite a
few, I might debate that point.

But one thing I can assure you
is wise they ain't.

And if I don't believe
what I'm sayin',

how are the children
supposed to?

Laverne... a word?

- What's up?
- You're blowin' the gig!

Well, I am sorry!

It is not fair!
I do not wanna be a mule.

They are stubborn.
They smell.

And when I was little,

one of them took a bite
outta my easter dress.

Okay.

Think about it this way.

Yes, reason the mule
is stubborn,

but only about people
taking her good advice.

Using her stubbornness for good.

Yeah, that's it!

I don't buy it.

But I'll give it a try.

Attagirl!

Can we do this, Laverne?

I guess,
if you're in love with it.

I am.

Okay, here we go...
- Just... just a second, Tommy...

You know,
Laverne gave me an idea.

I mean, if I'm the kid's dog,

wouldn't I be
more protective of him?

I mean, hell, I'm practically
advocating arson!

And dogs hate fire.

And you know, I've always
played Billy as mischievous,

not stupid.

This is the charm
of that character!

- You're right.
- Okay...

I guess I need to clear up
some issues here.

Laverne,
you're obviously a person

of great passion and integrity.

That's the only way
I know how to be.

And I admire that.

I just hope you know
how to be a good nurse,

'cause you're fired.

You can't fire me!

I quit!

Okay, that works too.

Now, who could give me a mule?

- Hee-haw!
- Hee-haw!

Hee-haw!

So, audio out, to stereo in.

Dreyfuss, we have entered
the laser disc generation.

Ta-da-da-da-da-da!

Just hope
I hooked up everything right.

Here we go...

- Hey! Sophia.
- Hi, Harry.

I come in the name of peace.

What's it gonna take for you
to quit hating Charley?

I don't hate Charley!

Then my work here is done.

Hey, you're back in the fold,
yutz.

That'll be 50 bucks.

Thanks, Sophia.

Yet arafat gets the nobel prize.

Aw, Harry, I missed you so much!

God! Charley!

We just saw each other
last night.

I know, I know.

But after the way I acted,

I... I got scared you'd never
let me in your house again.

I mean, you already went out

and got yourself
a new best friend.

Charley, I did not go out

and get myself
a new best friend!

You don't have to!

With that "hey, get to know me!"
Smile of yours,

guys just naturally
flock to you.

Look, you wanna watch
a movie with me on laser disc?

Carol rented
Fanny and Alexander.

- Cool!
I'll fry up some baloney.

Call me
when they show the first Fanny.

Come on!

- Hey, Harry!
Say hello to Brandy...

- Hi!
- And Rhonda!

Great house!

Brandy here used to be
married to a doctor.

One b*rned, never shy.

Hey, Harry,
where are your tweezers?

The baloney's
stuck in the toaster.

It's you.

Ben, can I... can I see you
in the kitchen for a second?

Sure, pal o' mine!

Excuse us, dietz,
we're gonna talk man-to-man.

Looks like you're one man short.

You smell like baloney.

Don't try to cheer me up.

Look, Harry, I wasn't tryin'
to push Brandy on you,

'cause if you'd rather
have Rhonda, I don't...

No, no, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben,
no, tha-that's not it, um.

I... I just think
it's important to Charley...

That just he and I
watch the movie together.

- Why?
- Well...

We've been
friends for quite a while,

and lately I have not been
spending a lot of time with him.

Pff... what a needy guy!

But I get ya tomorrow night,
right?

Actually, I... I don't think
that's a good idea.

Ben, don't you think
we're rushing this relationship

a little bit?

I didn't think so.

I like you.
You like me.

You do like me, right?

- Yeah! I mean, sure!
But I mean...

I like other guys, too.

If you got somethin' to say,
Harry,

why don't you just say it?

- Ben, I'm sorry, it's...
It's not you, it's me, I'm...

I'm just not ready
to be exclusive to one buddy.

I see.

Well, it's...

Probably better I know now.

Some men can flit around
from pal to pal.

But I guess I'm just
your basic one-guy guy.

Um...

You're gonna be okay?

Yeah.

Can I call you sometime?

Sure.

But you know, maybe not...
Not right away.

Right. Well...

I'll just grab the girls
and get outta your hair.

Okay, dietz...

I'm out, you're in.
He's all yours.

Just promise me
you'll be good to him.

You can count on it.

Came too close
to losin' this guy.

God!

- How you doing Carol?
- Having a blast, sir.

Al-although we're so high up,

it's kind of difficult
to see the field.

Here, you wanna borrow
my binoculars?

Thank you!

Carol, nobody ever
borrows Lloyd's binoculars.

Why not?