American Astronaut, The (2001)

[bunniefuu]

To classify all the bodies in the
solar system it is necessary...

to adopt an arbitrary set of criteria;
a criteria...

which must also apply to the
minor planets, or asteroids.

Let us now look at the asteroid belt
between Mars and Jupiter.

The classification of this group of
fragmented planetismals began in...



Ceres, having a diameter
of 955 kilometres...

is found to be the largest member of
several hundred sizable boulders...

Locked in what would seem to be a
merry-go-round of primordial debris...

from a very early phase
of planetary formation.

Out of over two thousand asteroids
regularly charted and observed...

Ceres, due to its large size,
convenient location and availability...

was found to be the perfect spot
for a drinking establishment...

or bar if you will.

It was named, appropriately enough,
"The Ceres Crossroads".

And it was more often than not,
frequented by roughnecks...

and th*gs. It is here where our
story began.

The story of how I
became a father.

And oh yeah, it's my birthday.

♪ Every day oh and ♪
♪ every way it's ♪

♪ [the American Astronaut] ♪

♪ Yes and don't you know ♪
♪ that I love it so ♪

♪ To be, be, the ♪
♪ American Astronaut ♪

♪ And can't you see ♪
♪ what it means to me ♪

♪ To be the American Astronaut ♪

♪ And don't you know ♪
♪ that I love it so ♪

♪ To be the American Astronaut ♪

♪ [kissing noises] ♪

♪ Pleeeeeeease, ahh ♪

sh*t!

Ceres Crossroads.
Eddy speaking.

Eddy, Samuel Curtis.
I just landed...

I know. We saw...
It was great.

Can you dig me out and
set me up for flight?

Sure. Did you bring the cat?

Yeah. I got him.
His name is Monkey Puss.

I want to name him Oscar.

That wasn't so bad. Was it, Monkey?
Eddy, you got something for me, right?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. I'll be in in a bit.

Okay. Good-bye.

All right, cat, let's go.

I'm keeping that with me.
You seen Eddy?

Yes. He's right over there by
the corner of the bar.

You mean the bartender?

Thanks.

Samuel Curtis.

I know. We watched you land. Everybody
here got just the biggest...

charge out of it. I'm still buzzin'.
In fact, everybody's buzzin'.

You got something for me,
right?

You're not going to believe
what I've got for you.

No one can come
back here but me,

so we can keep Oscar here
'till they come and get him.

I thought he was for you.

Oh, no. I hate cats, but you sure
saved my butt bringing him here.

- You're staying, right?
- What is that?

You're staying for the
big dance, aren't you?

Yeah, sure.

I don't get it.

It's a girl. It's a real live girl.

What am I supposed
to do with it?

I don't know.

Who's playing at
the dance tonight?

Me.

I guess I'll see you there.
Mind if I use your bathroom?

Sure. It's a real toilet so
be careful.

Thanks, Eddy.

That's him.

♪ Hey Boy! Hey Boy! ♪

♪ I got a message for you - ♪

♪ About a thing called Love ♪

♪ And the stars above ♪

♪ And a little white dove ♪

♪ Since push turned to shove - ♪

♪ - To fistacuffs - ♪

♪ Things really got rough ♪

♪ But enough's enough. ♪

♪ Hey Boy! Hey Boy! ♪

♪ I heard it from a friend about you - ♪

♪ About your hatred ♪

♪ When you're lyin' in your bed ♪

♪ And your face turns red ♪

♪ With your hatred fed ♪

♪ From the things you said ♪

♪ And you wish you were dead ♪

♪ Because you're separated ♪

♪ From a thing called Love ♪

♪ And the stars above ♪

♪ And a little white dove ♪

♪ Since push turned to shove - ♪

♪ - To fistacuffs - ♪

♪ Things really got rough ♪

♪ But enough's enough ♪

♪ Hey Boy! Hey Boy! ♪

♪ I heard it from a friend about you - ♪

♪ That your heart is broken ♪

♪ And your anger's smokin' ♪

♪ And you lie there poking ♪

♪ At a little token ♪

♪ Of days gone by. ♪

♪ You let out a sigh. ♪

♪ Tears fill your eyes, ♪

♪ And then you start to cry. ♪

♪ You say, "Oh God, why?" ♪

♪ And you wish you could die ♪

♪ And your eyes won't dry. ♪

♪ And time don't fly on this hellish night ♪

♪ Eyes open wide on this hellish ride ♪

♪ As you go switching from side to side ♪

♪ Because you're filled with hatred ♪

♪ When you're lying in your bed ♪

♪ And your face turns red ♪

♪ With your hatred fed ♪

♪ From the things you said ♪

♪ And you wish you were dead ♪

♪ Because you're separated ♪

♪ From a thing called Love ♪

♪ And the stars above ♪

♪ And a little white dove ♪

♪ Since push turned to shove - ♪

♪ - To fistacuffs - ♪

♪ Things really got rough ♪

♪ But enough's enough. ♪

♪ Hey Boy! Hey Boy! ♪

♪ I heard it from a friend about you! ♪

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

You son of a b*tch!

Hey!

Did you just see two guys come
out of that bathroom?

Here you go.

Hey...

Is it just me, or do my
ba*ls itch?

I think it's you.

Good. For a minute, I
thought my ba*ls itched.

Hey, it's a joke.

It's funny.

f*ck it.

This what you're looking for?

Larry Blueberry.

My name is Lawrence. It's never been
Larry. I don't like that name.

I hear you're doing
pretty good these days.

I heard you were k*lled by
Professor Hess.

Yeah, well...

Apparently your photographers
have proven otherwise.

That's the Blueberry Pirate.

An Interplanetary fruit thief and old
dance partner of Samuel Curtis'.

Came here to pick up
a cat named Oscar...

as payment for some stolen
fruit he delivered.

Here's where they get reacquainted
at the bar, all nice and...

friendly, just like that, see?

Old friends, that's all.
This is where the pirate

gives Curtis some pictures and oh so
gracefully bestows upon him...

the perfect plan for an
astronaut in his position.

In return Samuel Curtis agrees
to be the Pirate's partner at...

the big dance contest because
Curtis didn't have a plan and...

the Pirate never won anything in
his whole life and those are...

The most beautiful trophies
he'd ever seen. Unquote.

Curtis' new mission is to return to
Earth with the body of a man named...

Johnny R.

Johnny R. came from a
very wealthy family.

A family that's willing
to award a great deal...

of wealth for the
return of his remains.

Right now his body is being preserved on
Venus, the planet of beautiful women.

The planet of women who can
reproduce without the use of men.

Unfortunately, if more
than three generations...

go by without introducing
new blood...

the women become hybred...

and even too snippy for
themselves to stand.

So it's necessary for them to
keep a man around as a stud.

The women of Venus adopt an adolescent
male from a well-to-do family...

ride him like a wild stallion,
treat him like a king...

and love him until the day he dies,
usually at a ripe old age.

And then replace him with
another adolescent male.

Johnny R. had reached
that ripe old age...

and the time had come to replace
him, but the women of Venus won't

part with his body until an adequate
replacement has been delivered.

The perfect replacement
could be found on Jupiter.

Jupiter's a very wealthy mining
planet, where infant males...

are taken and sold to a
man named Lee Vilensky.

They're raised as workers and grow up to be
strong men with no knowledge of women.

Lee Vilensky owns Jupiter and years
before he had purchased a boy...

from Samuel Curtis known as...

The Boy who actually
saw a woman's breast.

For this brief experience the boy
has been treated as a treasure.

He's become the
planet's figurehead.

He's used to boost the morale of workers
by performing in great night rallies...

where he quickly and arrogantly
describes what it is he had seen.

Over the years, the boy had grown up to
be a strong and handsome young man...

and both the Blueberry
Pirate and Samuel Curtis...

know that the women of Venus
would go nuts for him.

They also believe that Lee Vilensky
would part with the boy in trade for...

the real live girl.

He could raise her, marry
her, have sex with her...

then describe the experience to
his workers in great detail.

That would be an
incredible morale booster.

That would create a happier, more
productive work environment.

So I take the girl to Jupiter...

trade her for the boy,
bring the boy to Venus...

trade him for Johnny R...

bring Johnny R. back to
earth and I get rich.

That's it.

Where'd the girl come from?

Eddy cloned her from
one of his own cells.

That's one detail
best left unsaid.

Gentlemen,

is it just me or
do my ba*ls itch?

So this guy walks into a bar
and he says to the bartender...

"Can I use your phone?"
The bartender says, "Sure".

So, he wipes his a*s
on it and the bar...

What?

Ah sh*t, I just told
you the punchline.

Been telling this joke so f*ck'
long, I knew I'd f*ck it up.

Anyway. You want to hear
something really weird?

So there's this man and he lived his whole life
on Earth and his name was Mr. Stevenson.

When Mr. Stevenson was eight years
old, he asked another little boy...

If he would Like a Hurts Donut.
The other boy said, "Yes."

So he hit him on the arm and
he said, "Hurts Donut?".

Five years later Mr. Stevenson asked another
boy about his same age at that time...

If he would like a Hurts Donut.

When the boy said, "Yes", Mr. Stevenson
stabbed him over and over again...

In his eye, in his
cheek, with a pencil...

saying, "Hurts Donut?"

Over the years, Mr. Stevenson
did very well in school.

On graduation day he was sat
next to another young man,

who, like Mr. Stevenson,
had earned high marks.

When he asked the boy if he would like
a Hurts Donut, the boy said...

"Not if you're going to stab
me in the eye with a pencil."

"I wouldn't even touch
you," said Mr. Stevenson.

So when the boy agreed, he presented him with
a photograph of the young man's fiance...

at a bachelor party, on some guy's table,
f*cking herself with a beer bottle.

As tears filled the young man's eyes,
Mr. Stevenson was heard to say...

"Hurts Donut."

A few years later, Mr. Stevenson got a job
as a sales clerk in an electronics store.

Within a year, he was caught stealing
and immediately incarcerated.

When he asked his cellmate if he would like
a Hurts Donut, his cellmate said, "Yeah."

So he gave him a Hurts Donut.

Over the years,

Mr. Stevenson grew too old to
take care of himself,

so they put him in a hospital.

One day he asked the new nurse
if she would like a Hurts Donut.

In anticipation of her response, Mr.
Stevenson began humming...

and making smacking
noises with his mouth.

When the nurse smiled and said,
"I know about you Mr. Stevenson,"

Mr. Stevenson blurted out
something totally incoherent...

and... and... began to laugh.

I've never understood this joke.

But then I've never
been to Earth.

All right. All right. Gentlemen, let
the dance contest begin.

♪ Love is a flipping rolling riddle ♪

♪ Love is a smiling when ♪
♪ you hear the giggle ♪

♪ All those angels giggle when ♪
♪ they know you're smiling ♪

♪ Love is running in an open field ♪

♪ Love is smiling at the ♪
♪ happy way you feel ♪

♪ When you know you're smiling ♪

♪ So how can you keep on smiling ♪

♪ When you see yourself ♪
♪ in the mirror smiling ♪

♪ Just about to say the name ♪

♪ Of the girl that makes you smile ♪

♪ Love is thinking of when you die ♪

♪ When she hears your name ♪
♪ mentioned, she'll start to cry ♪

♪ She'll remember you smiling ♪

♪ Love is living in a magic land ♪

♪ Love is thinking of how ♪
♪ she'll hold your hand ♪

♪ And you'll both be smiling ♪

♪ So how can you keep on smiling ♪

♪ When you see yourself ♪
♪ in the mirror smiling ♪

♪ Just about to say the name of ♪
♪ the girl that makes you smile ♪

Let's go.

What about your boys over there?

They'll be sitting this one out.

One, two, three, four.

What did he say about me?

- What?
- What did he say about me?

Who are you?

You know, you are so square.

I guess that I am.

So what did he say about me?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You stand there with that trophy and you tell
me you don't know what I'm talking about?

Excuse me.

You sit at the bar and you talk
and you laugh and you tell me...

you don't know what
I'm talking about, huh?

Do not touch me.

Don't touch you?

I can touch you.

I can touch you whenever I want.

Guess what?

It's my birthday.

Did he tell you it was my birthday?

Are you gonna sing
Happy Birthday to me?

I want you to sing
Happy Birthday to me.

I...

said...

I...

want...

I've got work to do.

This one's a keeper.

You ready, cat?

What did your father teach you?
What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?
What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?
What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?
What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?
What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?
What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?
What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?
What did...

My father taught me to
k*ll the sunflower.

Congratulations, Mr. Curtis.
You are now awake.

Two hours to Jupiter.

Gentlemen, you have all
worked very hard...

and among the lucky, you
are the chosen ones.

You have been sprinkled
with lucky stardust.

Yes, you have.

For today you have been chosen to
reside in the court of the Great One.

Gentlemen, I give you...

"The Boy Who Actually Saw...

a Woman's Breast."

♪ A ♪

♪ A-E-I ♪

♪ A-E-I know ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ A-E-I-O-U ♪

♪ [Oh, you sweet thing] ♪

♪ Yes, A-E, A-E-I ♪

♪ A-E-I-O-U, I owe you nothing ♪

♪ But sometimes ♪

♪ You owe me ♪

♪ You owe me ♪

♪ You owe me I-E-A-I-E-A! A! A! A! ♪

♪ I'm talking to you ♪

♪ When I say ♪

♪ Why do the souls of my old dead ♪
♪ dogs still howl at the sirens? ♪

♪ So call the cops ♪

♪ Call the fire trucks ♪
♪ and call the cops ♪

♪ Call the police ♪

♪ There is something walkin' ♪
♪ 'round inside my fleece ♪

♪ I've got thick, black ♪
♪ stuff under my nails ♪

♪ And I think I kinda ♪
♪ like the way it smells ♪

♪ There is food pressed ♪
♪ against my gums ♪

♪ In a week or two, we'll ♪
♪ see what it becomes ♪

♪ So I'll shave and look cute ♪

♪ With the sweat from in my boot ♪

♪ And I'll sneeze the ♪
♪ snot from my snoot ♪

♪ And I'll wipe it on the ♪
♪ sleeve of my suit ♪

♪ A-E-I-O-A-E-I-O-I-O-A-E-I-O-A-E-ooh ♪

It was round and soft.

Now go back to work.

Good job.

Alright.

Sam!

Hey. There he is.
How you doing, Buddy?

Fine.

What's the matter with him?

Ahh, you know how kids are.

You sell 'em to a shitty planet and
they think you're the bad guy.

Yeah, well I'm here to make
it up to the little guy.

What do you mean?

- I came here to take him.
- No, no, no.

That boy holds the only
memory we got.

Mr. Vilensky, you give
me back the boy and I'll...

give you the chance to
create your own memories.

What the hell is that?

It's a real live girl.

You take this.
You grow her in private...

You raise her, you teach her,
you marry her.

All for a kid whose brief,
fleeting encounter...

pales in comparison to the
experiences that await you.

Let's say that I was going to show
her to somebody right now...

my daughter or wife or
whatever the hell she is.

She looks bad!

Why would you want to
show her to anybody?

What if I wanted to?

Yeah, you're right!

Hey kid...

Take a hike.

♪ When we first saw it, we knew there ♪
♪ was just one thing to be done ♪

♪ It was scientific ♪

♪ And sociological ♪

♪ That's right ♪
♪ And a lot of fun ♪

♪ We knew in this world there ♪
♪ could only be one ♪

♪ The baby in the jar with ♪
♪ glasses on and a g*n ♪

♪ Glasses on ♪

Gentlemen...

The Boy Who Saw A Woman's Breast
has left our planet.

Allow me to explain.

In this simple black case...

I hold the dawning of a new day.

The dawning of a new era.

An era of sexually explicit...

conversation.

For here in my hand
I hold the case...

that contains... a real live girl.

She shall be raised in private.

She shall be taught all there
is to know of our work ethic.

And on a dally basis...

she will be notified of the
triumphs made by...

each and every one of
your selfless efforts.

When she is fifteen and a half...

she will become my bride...

and your queen.

You will all partake in fresh fruit...

brought here by the
Blueberry Pirate himself.

And I will partake in fresh fruit...

and sexual intercourse.

An act in which we are
all a stranger...

but which, upon my return...

I will describe to you...

in great detail.

Hey, get out.

Where'd you get the trophy?

I won it at a dance.

On Ceres?

Yeah.

I wanted to go to that.

How come Vilensky didn't
take you?

Yeah, right.

How long they been making
you dress like that?

The word is not "make",
it's "let".

They let me wear whatever
I want.

I see.

♪ Let's have a party ♪

♪ I think we'll have a party now ♪

♪ Let's have a party ♪

♪ It's great when you ♪
♪ get started out ♪

♪ We'll throw our hands ♪
♪ up and shout, "Party" ♪

♪ We'll throw our heads back and ♪
♪ say, "Party, party, party" ♪

♪ Oh won't you come ♪
♪ and join our party? ♪

♪ Let's have a party ♪

♪ I think we'll have a party now ♪

♪ Let's have a party ♪

♪ It's great when you ♪
♪ get started out ♪

♪ We'll throw our hands ♪
♪ up and shout, "Party" ♪

♪ We'll throw our heads back and ♪
♪ say, "Party, party, party" ♪

♪ Oh won't you come and join our ♪

♪ Oh won't you come and join our ♪

♪ Oh won't you come and join our ♪

♪ Oh won't you come and join our ♪

♪ Oh won't you come and join our ♪

♪ Oh won't you come and join our ♪

Another job well done.

These are the same song books
you had five years ago.

Yeah.

You know any new songs?

Yeah, I know some new songs,
but they're not very nice.

How about you?

Yeah, I know some new songs.

Well, let's hear them.
It's going to be a long trip.

Teach me a song.

- There's a...
- Phone call. Phone call. Phone call.

- Nice song.
- Phone call. Phone call.

Samuel Curtis, American Private
Sec. Nevada.

Guess who this is?

- Professor Hess.
- That's right.

You got it on the first try.
For that you get a kiss.

I'll pass.

What?!

Do you think I'd kiss you?

You'd love it if I'd kiss you
and I would never kiss you!

You said you were
going to kiss me.

I never said I'd kiss you.
I never said that.

You just want me to kiss you!

Umm...

Not really.

Oh, I'm not good enough to kiss you.
Is that what you're saying?

What do you want, Professor?

Guess what today is?

I don't know. What?

Guess.

It's Friday.

Saturday, somewhere.
I don't know.

It's my birthday.

Oh well, Happy Birthday.

Are you going to sing Happy
Birthday to me?

No.

Why not? Why aren't you going to
sing Happy Birthday to me?

I don't like the song.

You are so square.

Did you call me to insult me,
Professor?

You're very important to me.

I want you to hear something.

Did you hear that?

No.

It was a cat purring.

I took him from Ceres because there
was nobody left to take care of him.

And now he's purring, cause now he's
with me, cause now he's happy.

And now it's time for his treat.

Oh, he likes that.

I gotta go, Professor.

Guess how old I am?

I don't know.

I'm ninety-six.

No you're not.

Yes I am! I'm ninety-six!

Why won't you believe
I'm ninety-six?

I guess you just look young.

Well, what would you say if I said
that I'm younger than...

ninety-six because...
because I just am?

I'd say good-bye, Professor.

I have a picture of you.

Guess what you're doing?

I'm talking a sh*t.

I put it next to my Trophy and...

then I say,
"Ooh, there's a stinky boy".

I got to go.
Good-bye, Professor.

Well, fine! Fine!

But if you see any big pictures of me,
don't tell anyone that you know me.

It's a deal.

No, no, no! You don't have to
see any big pictures of me...

because I'm going to catch up
with you...

and then we're going to have
a birthday party!

I guess I'll see you then.

A friend?

A question to which yes or no
would not quite suffice.

Does he call a lot?

No.

He disappears for long stretches of
time.

And then he finds me...

kills everyone I come in contact
with...

and tries to forgive me.

When he does that he's going to
k*ll me.

Do you like him?

Yeah.

He's like family.

And when he forgives you, he's
going to k*ll you?

That's the kind of guy he is.

What kind of guy is he?

He's a Birthday Boy.

He kills without reason.

If he has no reason to k*ll
you, then he can k*ll you.

But if he has a reason to k*ll
you then he's got a problem.

And if he kills you without
resolving that problem, then...

you'd be dead and the problem
would live on forever unresolved.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, it does.

What did you do that was
so hard to forgive?

Well...

I'll tell ya.

Hey, I think I see
a barn up ahead.

We'll hide our
spaceship in the barn.

What if there's
something in there?

How do?

Nice... ahh...

nice cabin in the sky
you've got here.

Well, hell. Why don't you take
off your boots and float around?

Where you from?

We're Earth people.

Yeah. Where about?

Silver State of Nevada.
How about yourself?

Yeah, I'm from there, but
I moved around a lot.

What about the boy here?

Is he your son?

No, I'm just giving
him a ride to Venus.

Yeah? What happened? Their
King die or something?

Yeah.

Son of a b*tch.

How old are you, kid?

Sixteen

Son of a b*tch.

We got a little b*stard
about your age.

How'd you like to
go kick his a*s?

- No, thank you.
- What are you scared?

He's got candy bars and
cigarettes back there.

Now go kick the sh*t out of him.

Ah, it don't make no difference.

Little f*ck'
gonna k*ll us all.

Who's the kid?

He ain't got no real name.
We call him Bodysuit.

Raised him so he could go back to earth
to find out more about the chart.

But he ain't worth a sh*t!

You see, in the year 1902 we were
just a bunch of silver miners.

Out there every day
digging in the dirt...

uneducated, and humping
on each other...

every chance we could.

Hell, sometimes some of us good ole
boys'd even be humping on each other.

And it weren't like we were
be trying to be fancy.

We just didn't know what the hell
we were looking at. Did we John?

Yeah we did

Huh. So one day I dug up this rock
and it was a brand new color.

Not a trace or
hint or nothing...

of any other color
you ever seen.

It looked like, like memories
and, well, it was embarrassing.

And if you looked at it...

all the parts of your brain that
just sat there doing nothing...

would start right up and you
knew what they were there for.

So we looked at it and
it turned us real smart.

The next day we went into town and read
all there was to read about the Chart.

Then we went out into the desert,
built us this big barn...

and sent it up here into
space with us in it.

Been here ever since.

Now the one thing we didn't
reckon on was space punies.

What are space punies?

Hey Jake. What are
space punies?

In a world without gravity...

the muscles will become
dormant and whither.

Your spine will straighten
and the calcium...

in your arms and legs will
redistribute itself in your head.

Thank you, Jake. See
old Jake knows.

Hey Jake, what happens if you go
back to Earth with space punies?

- It kills you slicker than snot.
- That's right.

So now we got to get back
there cause every day...

they're making further
discoveries about the Chart.

In an attempt to further
our knowledge...

Jake and Edna started
humping on each other...

And lo and behold, a
child was born among us.

Had we known he'd have grown
up to be such a hellion...

we'd have k*lled
him on that day.

Instead we raised him on
coffee, tobacco, candy bars...

kind of stuff our
guts couldn't take.

We built him a suit
of hydraulics...

so his muscles
would grow strong.

He was raised to stand up
against Earth's gravity...

as he set out to gain more
knowledge on behalf of his kin...

A journey the boy don't
know nothing about...

on account of him being
as dumb as a stick.

How are you planning on
getting him back to Earth?

We's kind of hoping
you'd take him.

Ask him if we can get his
chocolate and cigarettes.

If we take him to Earth, can we
keep his chocolate and cigarettes?

We ain't got no need for it.

Okay.

I hope you don't mind if we
take our time loading up.

We're trying to avoid someone.

That'll give you boys some
time to get acquainted.

He's right through
that door there.

Thanks.

If you ever find us again...

could you tell us what the
chart's looking like these days?

Captain?

Captain?

He stinks.

What?

He stinks.

Excuse me.

Well.

Let's get him out of
that stinky suit.

Smell your hand.

What if we leave
him in the suit?

Wash him as he is?

We should probably just
wipe him down with solvent.

Pin him.

This is the Rio Yeti book, okay?

And when I do this line...

I'm gonna talk and
when I do the next line,

then I move your
mouth like this, okay?

South America is where I want to go.

Don't you fear the Yeti's in Rio?

No.

No?

No.

Rio Yeti. Rio Yeti. Rio Yeti.
Rio Yeti.

When I get to Venus,
can I get a dog?

Dogs can't live on Venus.

When they roll on
their backs the...

pressure twists their guts
up and it kills them.

Do you remember my old dog?

Yeah.

If I don't like Venus
will you come get me?

Believe me...

You'll like it.

What are you going to do?

South America is where
I'm going to go.

Don't you fear the Yetis in Rio?

No.

No?

No! No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, No, No, No...

Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti...

No! No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, No, No.

Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti...

Uh oh.

Did I say something I
should not have?

No.

No?

No! No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, No, No.

Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti...

No! No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, No, No.

Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti, Ri-o Ye-ti...

No! No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, No, No.

What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?

What did your father teach you?

What did your...

My father taught me to k*ll the
sunflower.

Congratulations, Mr. Curtis, you are
now awake.

Ten minutes to Venus.

What the f*ck?

How many minutes?

You all ready for your big day?

Take care of him.

I'll be back in a bit.

♪ What style ♪
♪ What class ♪

♪ The girl with the ♪
♪ vag*na made of glass ♪

♪ So perfect and pure, and ♪
♪ gynecologically demure ♪

♪ And the way her buttocks chews ♪
♪ on her shorts is very nice ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it's very nice ♪

♪ And the way her perfect ♪
♪ bosoms need no support ♪

♪ Oh, yes, that too is very nice ♪

♪ And wherever she may go ♪
♪ all heavens surround her ♪

♪ Envy's green-eyed ♪
♪ monsters confound her ♪

♪ Age-old myths and ♪
♪ legends come true ♪

♪ Ancient prophecies ♪
♪ all come to pass ♪

♪ All this and all ♪
♪ because of you ♪

♪ The girl with the ♪
♪ vag*na made of glass ♪

Why, Samuel Curtis,
you flatter me.

My dear Cloris,

any beautiful words spoken on
your behalf would only be the...

Well, if you were only
twenty years younger...

we'd all have our way with you.

Which brings me to another subject.

Not that I could ever tire of
speaking on your behalf...

but I would like to proposition you.

You have my attentions.

Please don't think that my complete
focus isn't on you and the ladies...

but in my peripheral...

I couldn't help but notice the
handsome remains of a gentleman.

Johnny R.

We still love him so.
Honest we do.

But it just hasn't been the
same since his Venusian demise.

Yeah, I imagine it wouldn't be.

You know, his family would
like his body back.

We are all well aware of that,
Samuel Curtis.

We are also aware of the
honorarium they have offered...

and the greedy, heartless show of
scavengery we might expect...

as a result of their generous offer.

We might also have expected
that you, Samuel Curtis...

could have been a little more
sensitive to our feelings...

Instead of being the first to come and
try to take away our Johnny.

I was actually going
to swap you for him.

What could you have that would
possibly match the value...

of our beloved Johnny's remains?

I've got a sixteen year
old boy in my ship.

Oh, Samuel.

I swear, we had no way of knowing.

How could you know?

Your messenger never
mentioned a swap.

- He just said that you were coming.
- My messenger?

- Hi, Sam.
- Jesus Christ!

That's Professor Hess.

A Professor?!

Did you miss me?

No.

Yes you did. You did too miss me.
You're just saying that to make me mad.

The Professor brought us a cat.

Cloris...

I'm afraid I won't be able to stay.

Have your ladles dig my
ship out of the mud...

and load Johnny into the
bottom cargo hatch.

Why, a visit from
Mr. Curtis wouldn't be...

the same if we didn't have to
dig his ship out of our mud.

Oh, Samuel.

The Professor suggests that
we should meet the boy first.

I'll go get him.

But if we can just make this fast.

Of course. And Samuel?

He is descended from
great wealth, is he not?

Yeah.

And please tell me
he is a good dancer.

The ladies do love to dance.

Yeah, he's great.

I'll have him bring his trophy.

Move!

I keep trying to get ready and he
keeps jumping in front of the mirror...

playing with his face.

You're not going out there.

- What?!
- Shut up.

Professor Hess is here. If he
sees you he's going to k*ll you.

Why's he want to k*ll me?

No reason.

Let's fly out of here.

They're not going to dig out
our ship until they get a boy.

Him.

Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking.

Put on some of my clothes
and give him yours.

Why does he have to
wear my clothes?

He doesn't have to...

he gets to.

Ladies...

here's your new lover boy.

Well, isn't he fancy.

Who the hell is that?

That's the new King of Venus.

That is not Lee Vilensky's boy.

Well, Samuel, please explain.

Who is this fanciful dandy who
has so quickly stolen our hearts?

What!?

That's the wealthiest child
in the Solar System.

He is not.

Yes he is.

No he isn't.

Yes, he is.

Oh.

He seems to be in
need of a bath.

I haven't noticed.

Smell your hand.

I will k*ll him.

You have every
reason to k*ll him.

Good luck, Professor.

Samuel Curtis!

It's my birthday.

Some other time, Professor.

This is where it ends...

and other stories began.

Sam moved back to earth with the
young man who saw the breast...

and raised him as if
he were his own son.

I stayed on Venus to
help raise Bodysuit...

In the hopes that he would grow
up to be a fine young man...

and I could k*ll him.

But a boy seldom lives up to his
father's expectations.