01x09 - Satan Place

[bunniefuu]

Take it easy, chief.
Now watch your step.

Someday, max,
someday I'd like to leave my
apartment by the front door.

These precautions
are necessary, chief.

After all, you're
a very important man

And we never know
what the enemy is
gonna try and do next.

I suppose you're right,
but somehow or another
it doesn't seem dignified.

Security first,
chief.

Anyway, I certainly hope
you have a nice vacation.

- You've got a good rest
coming to you.
- Thank you, max.

- See you on monday.
- You sure you've got
everything under control?

Don't worry
about a thing, chief.
You can count on me.

- Oh!
- Oh, sorry about
that, chief.

Never mind, max.
Just put the bags
in the trunk.

Right, chief.
No sooner said
than done.

- [ engine grinding ]
- chief, have you got a key--

What's the matter, chief.
Can't you get it started?

- doesn't seem
to turn over.
- [ engine grinding ]

Well, now I don't
claim to be an expert
on these things,

But I'm willing to make
a large wager that I know
just where the trouble is.

- Where, max?
- The engine.

Good thinking.
You want to take
a look there?

- Where?
- In the engine.

Right, chief.

Okay, try her now.

[ engine starts ]

Max.max!

Carburetor.

Max, come on!
Max, what are you doing?

Sounds pretty good now.

- You're getting
a backfire.
- Max!max!

Help me!
[ Groans ]

Okay, chief.
I'll just take
these suitcases

And put 'em
in the trunk.

- [ Tires screech ]
- chief!

Chief, you forgot
your luggage!

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

[ theme music playing ]

I'm sorry, windish,
but I just can't
subscribe

To the theory that
the chief met with
foul play.

Now let's face
the facts, 86.

The automobile was found
abandoned 10 miles away
about two hours ago.

We went over the car
very thoroughly, max,
and we found a few things.

- They're in here.
- Oh, thank you, 99.

Let's see what
we've got here.

Strands of hair,

Odd-shaped piece
of metal...

Button...

And this piece
of paper.

Okay, windish,
now for a little

Basic detective work.

- This should be interesting.
- Go ahead, max.

- What's your conclusion, max?
- The chief has been kidnapped.

May I ask which one
of these items led you
to that conclusion?

- This innocent-looking
piece of paper.
- Why, max?what is it?

A ransom note.

They want $200,000 for
the chief, or they're
going to k*ll him.

Now where are
we going to get
that kind of money?

Couldn't we ask
the government for help?


Organization.

Not even the state department
knows about us.

We just can't go running
to them every time we've
got a little problem.

Then what about congress, max?
They could put through
a special appropriation.

- How long would that take?
- Three months.

- Well, what if it was
an emergency?
- Four months.

- Forget it.
- i guess you're right, max.

It's just that
I'm so worried
about our chief.

Well, I'm worried about
the chief too, 99.

My gosh.

There's no one fonder
of the chief than I am

And no one closer
to the chief.

But $200,000...

After all,
he is a used chief.

Max, maybe this is
something that you should
take right to the top.

You mean,
call him?

Oh, I couldn't
do that, 99.

Maybe I can get in touch
with one of his aides.

Max, it's got
to be him.

Maybe you're right.
It's just that
I hate to bother him.

He has so many
problems now.

Well, I'll use
the hotline.

Hello, sir?
Uh, this is
maxwell smart,

Agent 86
from control.

Uh, fine,
thank you, sir.

Uh, sir, I don't
exactly know how to
tell you this, but, uh,

Our chief has been
kidnapped.

Yes, we think
it's a shame
too, sir.

Well, they want
$200,000 for his return,

And we thought perhaps
you could help us.

Oh.well,
thank you, sir.

That's very nice
of you.

We certainly
appreciate it.
Yes, sir.thank you.

What did he say,
max?

He said to put him
down for $12.

You'll never get
away with this,
whoever you are.

I'm sorry.
I neglected to
introduce myself.

My name is satan--
harvey satan.

How long do you think
you can hold me here
before my men find me?

They'll never
find you here.

My private sanatorium
is too well hidden.

Besides, you'll be
back in your control
headquarters soon enough,

After they've
paid your ransom.

You mean this is
just a kidnapping?

No, not just
a kidnapping.

After your organization
has paid the $200,000
we're asking for you,

We'll send you back to them,
and you'll be in perfect
health,

But you'll be
working for kaos.

There is no way
you can force me
to work for kaos.

As we speak,
at this very moment,

A certain dr. Lazlo von havoc
is on a plane from europe.

I've never met the man,
but I've been led to believe
that he can perform

The most incredible
operation

That will turn you

Into our
willing sl*ve.

Imagine, rudolph--
the chief of control

A kaos man.

The door, rudolph.

Your new quarters.

Rudolph...

Why are you
putting me in there?

We have to lower your
body temperature for
the operation tonight.

I hope it's not
too uncomfortable.

My advice
to you, chief,

Is try to
stay cool.

Max:
we'll never get $200,000.


The lab technicians.

"43.50-- lab."

Wow!here's one
for $500!

$500?
Now that's great.

Now we're
getting someplace.
Who's that from?

- The boys in counterfeiting.
- "Counterfeit--"

Only a few more chances
left on our punchboard.

Take a chance
on our chief.

Get them now.
Only a few more left.

- [ phone rings ]
- that's the chief's
special phone.

- Should we answer it?
- That's his private wire.

I'm going to
answer it.

[ continues ringing ]

[ phone continues ringing ]

Maxwell smart,
agent 86 here.

Would you mind
repeating that please?

Satan:
i said I'm speaking
for your chief.

if you wish to see him
again alive,

pay close attention
to my instructions.

- Get a tracer
on this call, hodgkins.
- don't do it, hodgkins.

- Go ahead, hodgkins.
- stay there, hodgkins.

at 8:00 this evening,
one of your agents will
take the ransom money

and carry it
in a suitcase
into municipal park.

enter the park
by the southwest entrance
and keep walking.

you'll receive
further instructions
in the park.

one agent,
no more,

or your chief
will be k*lled.

Wait a minute.
How do we know you
really have the chief?

well, who else knows
about his abduction

besides you and me?
[ chuckles ]

- all right, hodgkins,
you can go now.
- [ line clicks ]

- Yes, sir.
- Hodgkins, come back here.

Get a briefcase
and fill it with all
the money we've collected.

- And don't waste any time.
There's no time to lose.
- Yes, 86.

- What's your plan, max?
- I'm going into that park.

- Alone?
- Alone.

But, max, you'll be
in terrible danger.

I know.
Those parks are
m*rder at night.

Satan:
don't turn around.

take two steps
backwards.

The briefcase.

Just a minute.
How do I know we'll
get the chief back?

Don't worry, you'll get him.
Satan always keeps his word.

Satan?
Harvey satan of kaos?

- That's right.
- Hmm, I thought
he was in jail.

Wasn't he convicted of arson,
treason, insurrection
and mass m*rder?

He got time off
for good behavior.

- Don't try to follow me.
- Don't worry,
I wouldn't think of it.

Hello, control central?

This is agent 86.

Stand by to execute
checkpoint tracking plan
on harvey satan.

Are all our agents at
their proper checkpoints?

Good.
I'm putting
a hold on my shoe

And switching
to my wallet.

Hello, checkpoint charlie?

Is that you, 99?

Pick up suspect
at west street exit.

Yes, that would be north
on leonard street.uh-huh.

He's in his car?
Good.

Hello, central?
I'm switching to
my eyeglasses.

Put a hold on my wallet,
but keep my shoe open.

Hello, checkpoint baker?

Suspect is heading
your way.

Where?east on
wyckoff avenue, eh?

All right, move out
at a safe distance.

Control central,
I'm switching to my tie.

Hello?hello?

Hello?

Hello, control central?
What's the matter?

Oh, my tie is busy.
Well, uh,

Put me on my handkerchief,
extension four.

[ line ringing ]

Never mind
the handkerchief, central.
My belt is ringing.

[ Ringing ]

Hello?
Checkpoint easy?

Yes.i'll be
right with you.
Hold on.

Hello, central?
Cancel my handkerchief,
hold my glasses,

Cut off my shoe,
and see if you can get
that guy off my tie.

[ Line ringing ]

Hello?hello?


Hello, zebra?
Listen, there's a little
static on my garter.

Could you speak up?
Ah, good.that's
much better.

Uh-huh.
The car has pulled up
to a private sanatorium?

Hmm.that must be
satan's hideout.

What's the name
of the sanatorium?

I should've guessed it.

"Satan place."

It looks
impenetrable,
max.

I know, 99,
but it's the only way.

We can't force our way in
or they'll k*ll the chief.

- I think we'd better take
a closer look around.
- Right.

- I'll check the wall.
- Watch it, 99!

- Have you got a hairpin?
- No.

- I've got one.
- Max!

I use it for
picking locks.

Stand back, 99.

Just as I thought--
electric grass.

Now how are we
gonna get in there?

I know.what about
the green volt maneuver?

Hmm, that might
just work.

Uh-huh.
Look, 99.

Here's the wire.

And here's the plug.

Look.

No wonder we
couldn't find it.

The night light
fell out.


Get over that wall.

It's too high to jump.
What have we got
in the tool kit?

Um...

Oh, try this, max.

How am I gonna
get over the wall
with a telescope?

That's not a telescope, max.
It's a vaulting pole.

- Oh, good.i'll go first,
and you follow me.
- Right.

[ Gasps ]

- What else have you got, 99?
- These caterpillar shoes.

Oh, good.
These suction cups will fit
to practically anything.

I'll take them--

Max, look out.

[ Whispering ]
it's a taxicab.

- [ car door shuts ]
- there are two people
getting out.

They're coming this way.
We've got to get out of here.

- Knock this into
the bushes and cover it.
- Right.

Get behind this tree.

- What is it, doctor?
- [ German accent ]
let me see your flashlight.

I think this taxi driver
shortchanged me.

Woman: i hope mr. Satan
has prepared the patient
for surgery, dr. Von havoc.

I'm sure he has.
I've given him
full instructions.

- By phone?
- No, I've never
talked to the man.

we always communicate
by mail.

Pardon me,

- Are you looking
for harvey satan?
- Why, yes.

- Would you step
this way, please?
- Which way?

[ German accent ]
dat vay.

- 99, Ring the bell.
- Right.

[ bell rings ]

[ German accent ]
good evening.
I am dr. Von havoc,

And this is
my assistant.

We've been expecting
you, doctor.

Please, hurry.

Satan wants to
get this over as
quickly as possible.

[ clicks heels ]

We've done everything
according to the instructions

We received from kaos,
dr. Von havoc.

Ah, that is good,
that is good.you have
done well, mr. Satan.

[ Testily ]
I always do well,
dr, von havoc.

Your patient is ready.
His body temperature is
precisely as requested.

Ah, that is good.
Where is the patient?
Bring him in, please.

Rudolph, gregor.

Ah.
Yes, of course.

Not much of
a specimen,
mr. Satan,

But we'll do
what we can.

And now if you
don't mind, gentlemen,
my assistant and I

Would like to be left
alone with the patient.

Certainly,
dr. Von havoc.
Rudolph.

- [ door shuts ]
- look, 99.
He's frozen solid.

- Poor chief!
- Let's get him
out of here.

Right.

Chief?

It's me, max.
Can you hear me?

[ Loud tapping ]

Max, why don't you
try to contact
headquarters?

Hmm, that's
a good idea, 99.
I'll call them on my shoe,

And you breathe
heavily on the chief.

Hello, control headquarters?
Smart here.

How soon can you move in
on satan place?

Good.
Bring ropes, g*ns,


Of hot coffee.

- How do you like
your coffee, 99?
- Uh, cream and sugar.

One with cream and sugar
and one black.
How about you, chief?

- Mm.
- Uh, cancel one of the coffees
and make it tea.right.

Well, they'll be here
in 10 minutes.we've got to
stall until they get here.

Oh, max, he'll never
be thawed out in time.

Well, we'll just have to
try and take him out
the way he is.

[ Exhales ]
right.

- Careful.
You'll crack him.
- Well, doctors?

- What's going on here?
- Ah, mr. Satan!

How fortunate you
arrived just in time.

The prisoner was
trying to escape.

Right.
We caught him
just in time.

How could he move
when he's frozen solid?

That is not my problem.
I am just the doctor here.

You will have to
ask him that yourself.

And now if you
gentlemen don't mind,
I would appreciate it

If you would
put the patient on
the operating table.

Yes, rudolph.
Put the patient
on the operating table.

We've got to delay
the operation until I can
figure something out.

Most peculiar, rudolph.
Most peculiar.

Gregor, I want you to
watch the doctor closely.

- Rudolph, go out
and check the grounds.
- Yes, sir.

Doctor, I want your
patient out of here
within the hour.

- Uh, what happened to
that other man, rudolph?
- Out on the grounds.

I sent him out to make sure
everything was in order.

Well, doctor,
are you ready to begin?

Uh, yes, we'll begin
just as soon as the doctor
washes his hands.

My hands?
Ah, yes, of course!
My hands.

I will commence
with the operation

As soon as I have
washed my hands.

I don't suppose

I have time
to brush my teeth?

Ah, I didn't
think so.

Americans!
Everything is
rush rush rush!

No wonder you never
get anything done.

Actually, this room is

Not cold enough
for the operation.

- Your gloves, doctor.
- Ah, good.

- Why'd you turn
the temperature down?
- I can't explain now.

Just keep stalling,
and when I give you
the signal,

Turn on that faucet
with the hose attached.

- Right.
- Ah!

- Now if we can just take
the patient's temperature.
- Oh, right.

- Your thermometer, doctor.
- Ah, good.

[ glass shatters ]

Sweep that up
and put it under
the patient's tongue.

Uh, never mind
the thermometer,
nurse.

I think it is time
to get on with
the operation.

Now if you would just
lay out the instruments.

- Here we go.
- Ah, good.

Ah!but they are not
in the right places.

This is the
european style.

This operation is
on the american plan.

I will show you.

Doctor, I think
you'd better
operate right now.

He can't operate.
He's not dr. Von havoc.

I found dr. Von havoc
and his assistant
outside the wall.

You're right.
I am not dr. Von havoc.

I'm maxwell smart,
secret agent 86.
Now, 99!

- It worked, 99!
- What gave you
the idea, max?

The frozen water
in this sink.

That's the end
of satan place.

Yes, and that's
the end of those
three hardened criminals.

Max, what would you have done
if your plan to freeze them
hadn't worked?

- I had an alternate plan.
- What was that?

[ German accent ]
I was going to go
right ahead

And operate
on the chief.

[ Mumbling ]

Well, chief,
who does it feel
to be back

Safe and warm
in your own office
again?

Wait a minute.

Where's my painting?
Where's my desk set?

- My chair!
- It's all right, chief.

It's just that we had
to raise the money
for your ransom.

You sold all my
office furniture?

Auctioned, chief.
Not sold.

Well, where's
the $200,000?

Well, we didn't quite
get that much, chief.






Am I getting warm?

Well, chief, let's
look at it this way--

Uh, you remember
tennyson's poem,

"Cannons to the left of them,
cannons to the right of them,

Into the valley of death
rode the..."

- 600.
- Right.

$600?
That's all?

Why don't you go home
and get some rest?

You'll get a little sleep,
you'll get warm, and we'll
talk about it on monday.

I guess you're right.
Have them send around
my car.

- Uh, my car, chief.
- What?

- I won it in the raffle.
I won it fair and square.
- You won my car?

Yeah, but that's
okay, chief.you can
have it on weeknights.

[ Muttering ]

He wants to go back
to the icebox.

[ theme music plays ]