01x17 - Kisses for KAOS

[bunniefuu]

[ baby crying ]

Oh, baby must be hungry.

[ crying continues ]

[ Crying ceases ]

- 86.
- 99.

The chief wants
your surveillance report.

Right.

"8:40 The consul general
entered.

At 9:12 a telephone
repairman went in

And came out again
at 9:46.

Nothing
suspicious there."

A telephone
repairman?

But, max, a phony
telephone repairman

Could have anything hidden
in his repair kit.

He was checked out
by security.

Believe me, 99,
I know what I'm doing.

I know, max,
but supposing

Someone is trying
to blow up this
consulate?

We don't
know that, 99.

All we know is
the anonymous tip said

That the consul general's
life was in danger.

Now if you don't mind,
I'd like to get on
with my report.

- Sorry, max.
- "At 10:15,

A state department
official entered.

He left at 11:22.

At 12:06, a man
delivered a painting

And came out
just three minutes ago."

- Now give me your pen
and I'll sign the report.
- Right.

"12:09.

The consulate
blew up."

[ theme music playing ]

Where'd you find this?

In the wreckage
of the consulate, chief.

It's part of a painting
that was delivered
from an art gallery

Just a few minutes
before the expl*si*n.

An art gallery owned by
a man named rex savage?

Right, chief.
How did you know that?

Pieces of paintings
from the savage gallery

Have been found at the scene
of the last two explosions.

- Where were the other
two explosions, chief?
- An embassy and police station.

- Any connection between them?
- All three places
had information

On file that would have
been detrimental to kaos.

That information was
destroyed in each expl*si*n.

I think it's time
for intelligence to give us
a rundown on rex savage.

Wait a minute, chief.
I've already taken
care of that.

I'm having the information
transferred here

Through our interoffice
top secret relay.

- [ siren wailing ]
- I think it's coming
through now, chief.

I'll get it.

Thank you, max.

The intelligence section
apparently has no file
on savage--

No picture,
no fingerprints,
nothing.

That can't be right,
chief.

Well, either our boys
are lying down on the job

Or this rock is a forgery.

No, that's the official
control rock, max.

- Look.
- Oh, yes.

Our name and address
is on it.

"If found,
drop in any mailbox."

I want savage's
fingerprints

And a picture taken
of him right away.


Of a wealthy society girl.

- A patron
of the arts, right?
- correct.

Make contact with him
and use this pencil.

Wait a minute, chief.

Won't it look a little
suspicious if she starts
drawing his picture?

It's for
his fingerprints, max.

This pencil has been
scientifically treated.

If you can get him
to touch it with his fingers

It will leave an impression
of his prints.

Right.

What about me, chief?

You can pose
as her chauffeur.

- Oh, that's a good idea.
- Thank you.

And have parker hide
a microcamera somewhere
in your uniform

So you can take
savage's picture.

- Right, chief.
Come on, 99.
- Okay.

oh, max,
wait a minute.

That rock goes back
to message center.

Oh.
Right, chief.

Here you are,
my dear.

- A little gift for you.
- Thank you, rex.

- See you soon?
- Of course.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

I thought you were
through with that
greta covac.

Her consulate has
already been blown up.

She came in and started
asking questions.

She must be eliminated.

She will, mondo.

I just gave her
one of our ingenious
works of art...

With the time
expl*sive paint.

In five minutes,
there won't be
a trace of her.

What a combination
of talents--

Here am i,
one of the world's
greatest artists,

And you,
one of the world's
most ingenious chemists.

And after our next painting
is delivered,

The whole world
will hear of us.

Where will it hang?

In the pentagon.

I don't think
I understand
modern art, max.

What do these
paintings mean?

It's really
quite simple.

- Let's take this painting
over here as an example.
- Okay.

Now let me see...

i think this
is a street scene.

You see, the buildings
in the background

Symbolize the vast
forces of nature;

And the loneliness,
insignificance

And constant
struggle of man

is represented by that
little black dot.

[ Buzzes ]

Max, look at that
modern sculpture.

It's made out of
a dented hubcap,

Rusty fender,
tin cans,

Nuts and bolts
and a bicycle chain.

Yes, he's given us

Man's eternal struggle
against the universe

Out of a pile of junk.

What's it called?

"A pile of junk."

Mondo, it's 8:00.

We'll close the gallery
as soon as these
people leave.

Yes, mr. Savage.

Max, that's savage.
Is your camera ready?

I'll check.

Now all I have to do
is get his face in front
of this lens

And then press this button

- And I've got his picture.
- Right.

I'll get his fingerprints
on the special pencil.

Good evening.
I'd be honored

To offer my assistance
to someone so attractive.

Well, thank you,
but it's the lady

Who's interested
in buying a painting.

Yes, i, um--

- Oh, my.
- Ah!i'll get it.

- There we are.
- Thank you, maxwell.

What style of painting
do you feel most at home
with, miss...?

Westbrook.
Melissa westbrook.

Oh, I like many
different styles.

My own collection
is varied.

- Oh, i--
- I'll get it.

After you, sir.

Here you are.

Would the modern technique
of painting appeal to you?

Oh, yes, it does
very much...

In the hands
of the proper artist
of course.

Well, we have
a beautiful selection.

In that corner,
we have some rather
interesting examples

- Of impressionist painting.
- Hmm.

And over on that wall
are some of our better
non-objective works.

And of course
as you can see

There are examples
of cubistic,

- Surrealist and even
the naturalistic techniques.
- Uh-huh.

[ Whispers ]
is there something wrong
with your chauffeur?

Um, maxwell's
a lip reader.

Mondo:
mr. Savage?

Just a moment.

- Excuse me.
- Of course.

- Missed.
- Set it up again, max.

Oh, that's a shame
about the pencil.

You don't suppose
that the chief would go

For a nice good clean set
of glove prints, do you?

Wait a minute.
If I could just
get him alone.

Right.

What do you mean,
alone?

He can't keep
his gloves on forever.

I don't think you should
be alone with him.

Max, you sound like
you're jealous.

Pfft.jealous.
Now that's ridiculous, 99.

It's just that that man
might turn out to be
a dangerous kisser--

Uh, k*ller.

There's something
about those two,

Something peculiar.

What do you mean?

I'm sure I've seen
that man before.

Get his picture and
we'll check it through
kaos headquarters.

I'll keep the girl busy.

- oh, miss westbrook?
- yes, mr. Savage?

Please
call me rex.

Thank you.
Please call me melissa.

Melissa, take
a look at these.

- Well, sir.
- Just call me maxwell.

Maxwell.

There's a painting over here
I think you ought to see.

- I'd love to.
- It's just over here.

I think this is one
of the finest examples

Of realistic painting
that we have ever had.

- What is it called?
- "The camera."

How provocative.

If you look
a little more closely

You'll see that the painter
has included every detail.

Marvelous work,
don't you think?

Is there anything else
I can show you?

Yes, how about
some cold compresses
for my eyes?

...funniest-looking
painting I've ever seen.

Uh, miss westbrook,
are you ready to leave now?

Mr. Savage is going
to drive me home, maxwell.

- You can go on ahead.
- What about me?

I mean, why can't I drive
the two of you?

Two's company.
Three's a crowd.

Maybe I could get
a friend.

- Just the two of us.
- That'll be all, maxwell.

It's beautiful evening.
I thought perhaps

We might take a drive
through the park.

oh, mr. Savage?

yes?

Hello, chief?
Max.

I'm in lover's lane.

Listen, chief,
before I fill you in,

I want you to give
a message to parker
at the lab.

Tell him that there are
a few adjustments needed
on the steering wheel phone.

Every time
I turn the corner,
I dial the operator.

Never mind that, max.
Just give me your report.

Right, chief.

99 is in the car
with savage.

she's still trying
to get his fingerprints.

I think he's beginning
to help her.

I hope you're not in
lover's lane by yourself.

It could draw
attention to you.

Don't worry, chief.

I have my
inflate-o-girl
with me.

- Okay, max.
- I'll check in later.

This moonlight
is made-to-order.

Mmm.
It's just
perfect.

Do you know
something?

What?

Your glove is
scratching my cheek.

Would you mind
terribly just, uh--

Why, of course not,
my dear.i'm sorry.

Oh, it's
nothing really.

Is that better?

Just lovely,
thank you.

All right, fella,
what are you doing
up here?

Actually,
nothing, officer.

We're just
sitting here
looking at the trees.

Now what about
that dummy?

Well, this is
lover's lane, isn't it?

I'd look pretty peculiar
sitting up here by myself.

What kind of
a weirdo are you?

Oh, I don't know,

Just a plain, normal,
everyday weirdo, I guess.

I think you'd better
tell me what you're
doing up here.

Well, I can explain,
officer.

You see,
I needed a girl,

And I carry this one
in my trunk.

Let me put it this way.

This isn't really my girl.

I just use her
for emergencies.

You see, officer,
I'm a secret--

Well, I'd better not
reveal my identity.

[ Hissing ]

Officer, do you know
where I could get
a flat fixed?

Max, I told you
to be careful

And not call attention
to yourself.

But I wasn't
doing anything
wrong, chief.

I was just sitting
in my chauffeur's uniform
with my rubber dummy.

So what did the police
charge you with?

Violating section 387
of the penal code.

Which is?

Sitting in
a chauffeur's uniform
next to a rubber dummy.

Oh, yes, they've been
trying to get that law
repealed for several years.

Who has?

The rubber dummy lobby.

Well, thanks for bailing
me out anyway, chief.

Oh, that's
all right, max.

Now what about
savage's photographs?

Well, I couldn't get
any pictures of him.

You what?

I'm sorry, chief.
But I've got some
beauts of myself.

What about savage's
fingerprints?

Oh.well,
you know, chief,
he wears gloves

And he never takes
those gloves off
for a minute.

This is fantastic.

Here we are,
one of the best-known

Secret organizations
in the country, and
we can't even get

A simple little set
of fingerprints.

Chief, I've just made
a date with rex savage.

He's coming
to my apartment
for an intimate supper.

You did what?

Did you hear
that, chief?

An intimate
supper date with
that potential k*ller.

Good work, 99.

Good work, 99.

I new you'd like
our plan, chief.

Now apparently there are
only two occasions when rex
takes his gloves off.

One is when he eats
and the other is
when he bathes.

He's coming up to my
place about 11:00.

Isn't that
a little late
for a bath?

Max, it's
an intimate supper.

Excellent.

Listen, chief.
Why don't they
come to my apartment?

I could act as
the butler and keep
my eye on savage.

Good idea.
Your apartment
is larger.

It's more the kind
of place that

Melissa westport
might live in.

This may be our chance
to get a full dossier
on savage.

- Let's go down
to the lab.
- Right.

This tableware
is specially rigged.

When this subject
sits down to his meal,

The following things
will happen:

This chemically treated
soup spoon

Will trigger a camera
built into the bottom
of a soup plate.

Every time I take
a spoonful of soup,

The plate takes
my picture.watch.

What about the flash?
Won't he see the flash?

Ah, it will be
absorbed by the soup.

And you'll have to
remove the soup plate

- Before he gets
to the bottom.
- Right.

And this roll
is made out of
a special composite.

When the subject
takes it,

It will make
a perfect impression of all
of his fingerprints,

Which means you'll have
to get it away from him
before he eats it.

Or use another roll.

Very good,
parker.

- Anything else,
professor?
- one more device.

This bowl of fruit
will give us a sample
of the subject's speaking voice.

There is a tape recorder
built into this apple.

Max:
that's fantastic,
professor.

But where's
the microphone?

Oh, the microphone,
it's right in h--

In your stomach.

Thank you.

- To you.
- To us.

- Listen...
- Hmm.

Ever since I met you,
there is only one thing

That I'm able
to think about.

What's that, rex?

Five minutes
to dinner.

I thought we were
going to be alone
tonight.

Oh, maxwell?
He's just here
to serve supper.

After that,
I assure you,
we'll be quite alone.

I hope that this
will be the first

Of many midnight
suppers, my dear.

So do i, rex.

- As I was saying...
- Hmm.

The only thing that
I have been able to
think about all day is...

Come and get it!

Maxwell.

Well...

I guess we
had better go
eat supper.

Oh, come on, rex.
Don't let maxwell
bother you.

Actually, he's been
in the family
for years

And I still
don't know how
to handle him.

May I suggest
the rack?

Thank you, maxwell.

You're
welcome, 99.

What did he
call you?

He said,
"nighty-night."

It's a little game
we used to play
as children.

Nighty-night,
maxwell.

Try the soup, rex.
I think you'll like it.

- What kind is it?
- Cream of technicolor.

Mmm.
Very good.

Very.

I wasn't finished.

We don't want
the soup to get
cold, sir.

Here, why don't
you try a roll?

Thank you.

[ Knocking on door ]

- Who could that be?
- i'll get it, ma'am.

In the meantime,
why don't you two

Just talk
amongst yourselves?

And don't be afraid
to speak up.

Uh, maxwell,
tell whomever's at the door
to come back tomorrow.

Yes, ma'am.

I wonder if you'd mind
coming back tomorrow.

Some people just
can't stand rejection.

Stand back and
keep your hands up.

Mondo,
what are you
doing here?

You've been
tricked, savage.
This man is no butler.

You're
telling me.

We've got a report
on his photograph from
kaos headquarters.

he's maxwell smart,
an agent for control.

Max, here!

Good throw, 99.

Good catch, mondo!

You'll never get away
with this, savage.

Oh?
Why, mr. Smart?

Because at this
very minute


Are converging on
this building

Would you believe it?


I find that
hard to believe.

Would you believe

Two squad cars
and a motorcycle cop?

I don't think so.

How about
a vicious street cleaner
and a toothless police dog?

If you were expecting
help, it would have
been here already.

Now, my dear melissa,

You are going to paint
mr. Smart to death.

Yes, this can contains
expl*sive paint

With a timing
device mixed in.

This paint contains
a vibration expl*sive.

It detonates the moment
a window or a door
is slammed.

And this can contains
nitro floor paint.

It explodes
the instant anyone
steps on it.

Now you...

Start painting
mr. Smart with the time
expl*sive mixture.

- Nitro floor paint.
- That's right.

One false move and
you'll be blown to
kingdom come.

Come on, max.

Good work, 99.
Well, we've done
it again.

They think
just because we're

On the side of good
that we're soft,

But what they
don't know is that

We're tough
and hard and do
a very nice job.

That's why they are
trapped in this room
and can't get out.

Come on, 99.

Wait a minute, don't move.
You're in the same
position as we are.

You can't leave
this room either.

If you take one step,
we'll all be blown to bits.

That's right.

Got any ideas, max?

Well, why don't we
all join in a big
chorus of "help"?

- All: help!
- Max: shh.

The vibration
paint.

[ Quietly ]
help!

Help!

Well, that finishes up
the apartment, 99.

A nice, fresh
paint job.

You did
a beautiful job, max.

Oh, thank you, 99.

You know, when
the chief rescued us
and I saw

All these cans of paint
laying around savage's
art gallery,

- I figured I might as well
put them to good use.
- Hmm.

Well, what do
you say we go down
to the diner

And I buy you
a cup of coffee
while the paint dries?

Lovely.

Max, are you sure
this paint's
all right?

Of course it is.

I checked
every can of paint
in the gallery

And memorized
the non-expl*sive ones.

Come on.

[ expl*si*n ]

Max...

Don't worry, 99.
I covered the furniture.

[ theme music playing ]