05x16 - House of Max: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Sparrow's voice: in our
previous episode

yours truly, chief inspector
sparrow of scotland yard,

made the acquaintance of
control agent maxwell smart.

smart and his charming wife

were in london helping us catch

a modern-day version
of a legendary k*ller.

- Max!
- 99, Are you all right?

I guess so. Who is he?

You'll never believe me
when I tell you who that is, 99.

In a million years you'll
never believe who that is.

That's jack the ripper.

Oh. So that's jack the ripper.

Inspector sparrow, I'd like you to
meet my wife, mrs. Maxwell smart.

How do you do, ma'am? I wish we could've
met under more pleasant circumstances.

Yes, it is rather foggy tonight.

Is this man really
jack the ripper?

Mrs. Smart, this is not a man.

You mean this is
jacqueline the ripper?

It's neither a man nor a woman.

It's not even a human being.

- What is it then?
- A wax dummy.

Sparrow's voice: the only
wax museum in london

where a jack the ripper
was no longer on display

was duval's cave of wax.

duval, a genius at
creating wax figures,

had a sinister reputation.

so it was in his cave of wax

that we centered
our investigation

with the smarts
posing as tourists.

they met raoul duval himself
in a most unexpected manner.

Max!

Forgive me, madame.
Forgive me, monsieur.

I didn't mean to frighten you,

But every day I must
have my little jest

With the people
who are kind enough

To visit my cavern
of the living dead.

Sparrow: duval not only
accepted the smarts

as average tourists,
he went so far

as to escort them personally
through his waxworks.

How do you like it?

Very impressive.

So this is where
you make your wax?

I would not lean too far
over the railing, monsieur.

The boiling wax

Is well over 400°.



I had an apprentice once.

He leaned over too
far and fell into the vat.

In seconds he was
encased in wax.

- How terrible.
- Did you call a doctor?

- Oh, it was too late for a doctor.
- Well, what did you do?

We sold him to a
department store.

Sparrow: it wasn't
until they discovered

where jack the
ripper used to stand

that duval became suspicious.

- Something wrong?
- That tableau that you were standing in

When you played
your little trick on us,

Where's the figure that
was supposed to be in there?

You are most observant, madame.

Well, unless I miss my guess,

That figure would've been...

- Jack the ripper?
- You happen to be correct.

Well, thank you very much again.

The pleasure was
all mine, madame...

Oh, I don't believe
you told me your name.

I'm maxwell smart and this is
my wife, mrs. Maxwell smart.

And where are you staying
while in london, mr. Smart?

- At the royal, uh...
- The royal park hotel.

- The royal park hotel.
- Oh yes, I know it well.

- Well, bonjour, monsieur et madame.
- bonjour.

bonjour, and a good day
to you, sir. Come on, 99.

Does the name maxwell
smart mean anything to you?

Smart, smart, sm...

But of course.

They're control agents. I have
their pictures in my file at kaos.

And their presence here can
only mean they are onto us.

Not necessarily,
monsieur auerbach.

Suspicious they
are, I grant you.

But aware of what we
are doing? I think not.

Who do you give
life to this time?

Another occupant in the chamber
of horrors. Lock the doors.

- It is done.
- Good. Excellent.

tell me, duval,
what would happen

If you injected a
human with that serum?

Instant death.
Strange, is it not?

To a human being
it brings death;

To a wax figure it gives life.

listen closely, my friend.

You will immediately proceed
to the royal park hotel.

You will locate mr. And
mrs. Maxwell smart,

Then you will k*ll them. Now go.

Go and k*ll.

And don't come home
late! You know how I worry.

There's no doubt about it, 99.

Professor duval is our man.

But how can you be so sure, max?

Well, it's really
quite simple...

Instinct, logic and
a lack of suspects.

- Max, aren't you awfully warm?
- Hmm?

Uh, yes. Well, I'll just
open the french windows.

Duval did admit that a jack the
ripper was missing from his wax museum,

But we can't prove
anything until we figure out

How he can bring
a wax figure to life.

Yes, well, if professor
duval could do that,

He'll go down in history.

Or at least in the
wax fruit business.

I'll get it.

- Good evening, mrs. Smart.
- Good evening, inspector.

Max, the inspector's...

Max, don't move.

There's a horrible
creature behind you.

And you don't want me to move?

What a loathsome creature.

- I wonder what he's doing in here.
- That's it.

I'm going to complain
to the desk right now.

Complain about what?

I'm going to tell them that
one of their hippie guests

Got bombed out of his
head, came into our room

And scared us half to death.

Certainly you don't think
this is a guest of the hotel!

This is a werewolf!

A werewolf?

Yes, and what desk
clerk in his right mind

Would check a
werewolf into a hotel?

Okay, inspector sparrow,

Let me ask you a question.

What desk clerk in his
right mind would refuse him?

another wax figure.

First jack the ripper,
who terrorized london

At the turn of the century,

And now the werewolf.

Who'll be next to drive
the women of england mad?

Engelbert humperdinck?

Max! I knew I'd seen
him somewhere before.

- Where?
- Duval's cave of wax!

Then this definitely
means that duval

Has a way to bring
his wax figures to life.

It also means that
he suspects us

And he sent this
creature here to k*ll us.

It means one other thing, 99.

What?

We're leaving for the
united states immediately.

- Oh, max.
- I'm sorry, inspector sparrow,

But I cannot allow my wife to be
exposed to this kind of danger...

Wait. I have a plan

Which will help us get the proof
we need to convict professor duval

Without endangering
mrs. Smart in the slightest.

What plan?

This is all very well
and good, inspector,

But there's one part of
your plan that I don't like.

Then let's run over
it one more time.

Now we know at this
very moment raoul duval is

Ordering dinner at a
french restaurant in chelsea.

That part I like.

That has enabled us
to make our way in here

And have you switch
places with the wax h*tler.

That part I like.

Having infiltrated
into duval's cave of wax,

Sooner or later you'll
overhear his incredible secret

At which point we'll rush
in and take him into custody.

That part I'm crazy about.

Unless of course he discovers
who you are and kills you.

That's the part I don't like.

I'm sure with a bit of luck
you'll pull it through, smart.

Poole, remove the dummy.

The other dummy.

Sorry about that.

I should like to say one
thing before I go, mr. Smart.

You're about to risk your life,

And only a brave
man would do that.

In my lifetime, I've only known one
other such man with your courage:

Superintendent george connors.

Was he with the
yard before he, uh...

- Before he what?
- d*ed?

Oh, connors isn't dead,
though he might just as well be,

To have to go through
something like that four times.

- t*rture?
- Marriage.

Yes. Well, look, inspector,

In case we're not
able to pull this off,

I'd like you to give
a message to 99.

Nonsense, I won't
hear such rubbish.

You'll pull it off. You'll see.

Now, is there anything I
can do for you before I go?

Uh, no, not unless you
happen to be a locksmith.

- What have you done?
- Well, it seems to me

That I have this hand
locked up in these handcuffs.

How on earth could
you do a thing like that?

Mr. Smart, if you'll just
hold on one minute, please.

Now look what you've done.

If duval catches us
like this, the game's up.

Not necessarily, inspector.

There is one way that we
could stay handcuffed together

And still complete the mission
without duval knowing about it.

- You have a plan?
- No, but I was hoping that you did.

- Where did you find these handcuffs?
- In this drawer.

Well, there must be a
key in here or something.

Nothing.

We'll have to find a hacksaw
around here or something

And cut our way out of these.

Duval must be halfway
through his dinner by now.

We've got to find a
way of delaying him.

I know how we can delay him.

- He's french.
- Of course... Postcards!

No no no...

- Look for the postcards?
- No no, a woman.

We've got to get a woman over
in that restaurant right away.

A woman with postcards?

No no no, a woman
to detain duval!

- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for eva braun's phone number.

Ah. merci.

You dropped this, madame.

Did i? Oh, thank you very much.

Would you mind if I joined you?

- A glass of wine?
- Oh, I'd just love that.

- A glass of wine.
- A bottle.

A bottle of wine.
Your best burgundy.

- Imported.
- Of course.

- From california.
- From ca...

As the lady wishes.

Is there something wrong?

- I have seen you before.
- You have?

It's a thing with me. I
never forget a face.

- Now I know who you are.
- Who?

- Helen of troy.
- Who?

Helen of troy, the greek beauty

Who was abducted by-by-by...

But you must think me a
madman. Allow me to explain.

I am raoul duval. I
create wax figures,

Historical and otherwise.

Oh, I've heard about you.

You're supposed
to be a great genius.

That is true.

Oh yes.

Fresno?

Uh, I'd like to see
a menu, please.

Menu?

Well, I never drink
without eating something.

But, cherie, it is very late

And there is much I
have to do yet tonight.

Please, just a
little green salad.

Well, in that case...

I'll have some roquefort
dressing on the salad, please,

And then I think I'll
have some escargot

And then frogs' legs
with some cordon bleu.

And then for dessert I think I'll
have some mousse au chocolat

And then some
coffee to follow that.

You know, cafe au lait
or something like that.

- And then, let's see...
- When will I learn

Never to pick up a
strange tablecloth?

You are late.

I know.

I had dinner... Twice.

Any sign of my werewolf?

No, and nothing
in the newspapers

About the smarts being m*rder*d
at the royal park hotel last night.

Then we must take it for
granted that he failed his mission.

- We must send a replacement.
- Fine, but who?

I am not sure.

Of course! The
perfect candidate...

h*tler!

Do you not find it deliciously
ironic, monsieur auerbach?

How do you mean?

h*tler will be able to do something
he could never do before...

Walk around london.

Heil, h*tler!

What are you doing,
you fool? He'll get away!

That is maxwell smart!

Idiot!

- I'll phone for help!
- No no no no no no no,

Stay here. We
don't need any help.

We have all the help we need.

First I will inject
our friend here

And then all the rest.

I think we'd have better
luck finding mr. Smart

If we looked for
him in the park.

What do you mean "look
for him in the park"?

Why should we do that?

Well, they got hot dogs there,

And peanuts and popcorn

And apples with sticky
stuff all over them.

Why don't you concentrate

On what professor
duval asked us to do

And stop thinking
about your stomach?

Well, you don't
have to yell at me.

I can't help it if I'm hungry.

All I had this morning
was eggs over greasy.

I didn't even put any
salt and pepper on them.

And now you're yelling and
I'm trying to go to the park

And there's a whole lot
of the... And i... I didn't...

There, I think I
feel better now.

Here's your hankie back.

- Now, are you ready?
- I certainly am.

Say, I've got a good idea.

What?

Well, why don't we ask
him where mr. Smart is?

Say, that's a good idea.

Pardon me, mr. h*tler,

But we're looking for a
gentleman named mr. Smart.

Have you seen him?

Oh, thank you
very much, kind sir.

Well, just don't stand there.

Let's get going.

"Eggs over greasy."

Give my best to the mrs.

I don't know if you're aware of it,
my boy, but you're being pursued.

The entrepreneur
of this establishment,

A french-fried
potato enthusiast,

Desires your immediate demise.

- Eh?
- He'd like to see you stretched out colder

Than a mother-in-law's heart.

What would it take for you
to pretend you didn't see me?

A decanter of daiquiris
I believe would do.

And that would make you
pretend you didn't see me?

- I won't be able to see you.
- Okay, it's a deal.

There's a telephone over
there behind those boxes.

Call the nearest
spirit dispensary,

And I'll go fetch the ice.

Maybe that's he.

- Hello?
- Hello, 99. It's me, max.

Oh, max! Thank heavens!

- Are you all right?
- Yes, but I can't talk long.

Max, are you there? Max!

Max, are you all right?

Hello? Hello?

Why not just k*ll him
and get it over with?

Scotland yard will
be here any minute.

Forgive me,

But I have a sense
of the theatrical.

I will inject the
executioner here.

In 15 seconds he
will come to life,

Pick up this a*...

Then mr. Smart will
fall into the boiling wax!

You'll never get
away with it, duval!

They'll find you no
matter where you go!

I think not, because in one hour

I will be aboard a
plane to the riviera,

From there to majorca,
then to rome, athens,

to hong kong, tahiti, bora bora!

You see? For the rest of
your life you'll be on the run.

You will do exactly
what I tell you.

As soon as you feel life
coursing through your body,

You will pick up this
a*, and sever the rope

From which mr. smart

Is suspended.

We go. au revoir.

Oh!

Oh no! Max!

I'm right here, 99!

Max! Thank heavens!

- Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine.

What happened to
auerbach and duval?

Sparrow and his men caught
them trying to get away.

- I've got to untie you.
- Thank you, 99.

Max, how long do you
think it'll take the injections

To wear off the wax figures?

I don't know, about
an hour or two. Why?

Oh. Well, it makes
me kind of sad.

They're having such a good
time, I hate to see the party end.

Party? What party?

W.c. Fields: your
party, mine host!