01x19 - Hero for Hire

[bunniefuu]

Life is like a hurricane

Here in Duckburg

Racecars, lasers, aeroplanes

It's a duck-blur

Might solve a mystery

Or rewrite history

DuckTales, ooh-ooh

Every day they're out there
making DuckTales

Ooh-ooh

Tales of derring-do,
bad and good-luck tales

D-D-D-danger

Watch behind you

There's a stranger out to find you

What to do?
Just grab onto some DuckTales

Ooh-ooh

Every day they're out there
making DuckTales

Ooh-ooh

Tales of derring-do,
bad and good-luck tales

Ooh-ooh

Not ponytails or cottontails
no, DuckTales

Ooh-ooh

Welcome to the grand opening
of the McDuck Bank of Duckburg,

a bank so safe,
if you lose your money,

it's not our vault.

What makes your bank so safe,
Mr. McDuck?

This - the Anti-Beagle Boy
Burglar Alarm.

This alarm is so sensitive,

if it hears, smells, or even glimpses
a Beagle Boy...

How do you turn this thing off?

I don't like the sound of that alarm.

Me neither, Bankjob,
and Ma's gonna hate it.

I don't know, Babyface.
It's kind of a catchy tune.

Za-da-da-doo-da, doo-da

Mr. McDee's bank is being robbed.

We got to stop those thieves.

My bank! My beautiful new bank!

Look what you've done!
You nitwit!

You've crashed your last
chopper on my payroll!

Nah, I'm good for a lot more.
Crashes hardly phase me.

I can out-crash anyone.

What I'm saying is, you're not
working for me anymore.

You're fired!

What? After I nearly k*lled myself
for your grand opening?

Launchpad, it's me - Doofus.

Launchpad, what's the matter?

I'm finished. Wiped out.

Without Mr. McDee, my career,
like my helicopter, is crashed.

But you can't quit. You're a hero.

Everybody needs a hero
sometime or other.

Look, we need a hero right here!

Yeah...

Yeah... Yeah!

Poor little fella.
Here, kitty, kitty.

Don't be scared, little kitty.
I'll rescue you.

Come on, kitty, give me a break.

Yeow!

Aah! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ow!

Whew! Glad that's over.

Yeow!

I guess rescuing cats isn't his thing.

Doofus, when will you get it
through your chubby little skull

that no one needs a hero nowadays?

Well, he sure does.

He's gonna jump! Quick!
You got to save him!

Maybe we should call the police!

No time for that!
Go, hero, go!

I'll take the stairs.

We got here just in time.

Stop, buddy! It's not worth it!

Hey, are you kidding?
I'm getting paid good money for this.

Now buzz off, buddy!

Whoa-oa-oa-oa!

Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa!

Call the police! That little old lady
just robbed the licorice store!

These business cards were a good idea,
little buddy. Thanks.

Even heroes have to advertise.
Give one to everyone you meet,

and when they need a hero,
they'll call you.

Here, let me give you a hand, ma'am.

Oh, thank you, sonny.

My poor old legs just aren't what
they used to be.

Ha-ha... uh, what's your name, sonny?

Launchpad McQuack, ma'am.
Hero for hire.

Just give me a call.
I'll take care of it all.

Well, you boys are very sweet.
Uh, bye now.

Huh. Must be running home to
tell her friends about me.

But, Ma, you should have seen it.

If one of us sets foot in that bank,
every cop in town will know it.

Yeah, that Anti-Beagle Alarm
puts out some sounds, Big Mama.

Now, now, boys, didn't I raise you all
to use your heads?

Yeah, sure.

Didn't I teach you to think things out,
to be clever, creative?

Yeah. Clever...

And to never give up?

Unless, of course, you're
surrounded by the cops.

But, Ma, how we gonna rob
a bank that's Beagle-proof?

We simply hire someone else to rob it,

without him knowing he's robbing it.

Sheesh. He'd have to be pretty stupid.

Exactly!

I don't understand it.
You gave out over 200 business cards.

And it wasn't easy.
Most people kept giving them back.

Launchpad McQuack, hero for hire.

This is Big House Studios calling.
Please hold for Mr. Spielbig.

McQuack, Spielbig here.

I produce and direct movies
for Big House Productions.

Soon as I saw your business card,
I said,

"That's the hero
I want in my next picture."

But I don't know how to act.

I don't want acting!
I want action!

That's what sells today -
stunts, chases,

plenty of adventure, derring-do -
like it says on your card.

Well, yeah, sure,
if that's what you want.



Who was that?

Tell you on the way. Come on.

- Are you ready, Mr. McQuack?
- I feel a little silly.

Oh, yeah.

What did I tell you, gentlemen?

He was born to play the Webbed Wonder!

You're right, Mr. Spielbig.
He's perfect.

The perfect patsy, man.

Then it's agreed!

We start sh**ting first thing
in the morning.

But only if the cops show up.

A-ahem!

Uh, which scene do you
want to do first, Mr. Spielbig?

I feel the best way to start this movie
is with... the bank scene.

- Good. Thank you, Mr. Spielbig.
- Groovy idea.

Gosh, little buddy.
Me, a movie star!

Before you know it, this face
will be seen all over the world!

Yeah.
On "wanted" posters.

Don't worry, J.Q.

My bank has been rebuilt
stronger than ever!

I'll send someone to pick up
your gold deposits today.

- Mrs. Featherbee?
- Yes, sir?

Get me Launchpad right away.

- You gave him the a*, remember, sir?
- Oh... yeah.

Launchpad.
I wonder what he's doing.

Ready when you are, Mr. Spielbig.

Now then, in this scene,
the Webbed Wonder has just learned

that the safe in this bank isn't safe.

So you've got to get all that money
out of there fast. Got it?

- Here are your lines.
- Where will the camera be?

Uh, inside the bank.
The little cameras on the walls.

We don't miss an angle.

"Never fear,
the Webbed Wonder is here.

Give me all the money quick."

Ready, and... action!

Never fear! I, uh... uh...

- Well, where's the money?
- Sorry, I forgot my lines.

Ad lib! Make something up!
Just get the money!

Er, get the scene right.

- Take two!
- Action!

It occurred to me, boys,

that there are a lot
of banks in this town.

Our Webbed Wonder can take the blame
for robbing all of them.

Let me try it one more time.
I know I can do it better.

No, no, you were perfect!
Perfect! That's a wrap!

Let's get out of here!

- How'd I do?
- You were incredible. A real hero.

Ooh, we've been robbed!

OK, now in this scene,
you rob the bank.

I mean, you rescue the money
from another unsafe safe.

Again? Wouldn't it be more exciting if...?

It gets much more exciting later.
You'll love it.

Now, lights, camera... action!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

More pathos! That's it!

And... cut!

Yeah, like before, you save the money
from this unsafe bank, and...

Yeah, yeah, but this time
we do it my way.

Hey, where you going?

What's that nut doing?

Depositors and savers,
lend me your ears!

To keep your savings here,
'twould be a great risk.

To a safer place I take your money,
and away I whisk!

"Away I whisk"?
This cat's gotta work on his lyrics.

Now, now, stop worrying,
Mr. McDuck.

They'll find out who
the Webbed Wonder is and arrest him.

I already know
who he is, Mrs. Beakley.

That's what's got me worried.
I drove him to it.

- Well, who?
- Launchpad McQuack.

McQuack? No!
Yes!

I can't let the police catch him.
He'll be locked up for life.

I'll just have to find him first.

That little Andy Dandy cracks me up.

Launchpad, look, your picture!

Hey, that's some publicity Big House
Studios is putting out for me.

"Webbed Wonder robs ninth bank."

"Police comb Duckburg for the biggest
thief since the Beagle Boys."

I'm... I'm not a hero!
I'm a... a crook! A fugitive!

And now my movie career is over, too.

Wait a minute.
Those movie people are the real crooks!

Yeah! I should have suspected something
when my first paycheck bounced.

All you have to do
is turn those crooks in. Come on!

No, you stay here. I don't want you
involved in this, little buddy.

I'm gonna tell the police
I was just playing along

with those bums
to get the goods on them.

I'll be free and clear.

What if they don't believe you?

Hey, little buddy, you're forgetting
what a terrific actor I am.

Morning, Officer.
Launchpad McQuack's the name. I, uh...

Excuse me.

It's for you!

Hello? When you didn't show up for work
this morning, we got worried.

So we came over and found
your chubby little friend!

I'm sorry, Launchpad.
I told them you went to the police.

Did they hurt you?

They tortured me, Launchpad!
They ate my pancakes!

Those rats.

Keep your mouth shut
to the cops, McQuack!

And be at the studio
in costume in ten minutes,

or chubbo here
is gonna be a pancake!

He's falling right into our trap!

One more phone call,
and the short, dumb career

of the Webbed Wonder is over.

So, what did you want to tell me?

Uh... a joke.

I know a burglar
who was so successful,

he quit making house calls.

Yuk-yuk! See ya.

- "Yuk" is right.
- Hello, police?

I know where you can find that horrible
Webbed Wonder person.

None of his friends
have seen him for weeks.

That's him! I'd recognize
that helicopter anywhere!

Turn around, Duckworth!

Don't lose him!

Yo, little buddy?

Gosh, I've looked everywhere.

Come on out, Webbed Wonder!
You're surrounded!

Over there, Duckworth!

Stop! Don't sh**t!
He's a friend of mine!

Gee, Mr. McDee still believes in me.

But I'll never get his money back,
or save Doofus, if I'm locked up for life.

Say, that's it! Life!

You'll never take me alive!

Launchpad, what are you saying?

He's getting away!

Launchpad!

Poor Launchpad.
It's all my fault.

Boy, that a*t*matic pilot
crashes almost as good as I do.

Don't worry, Doofus, little buddy.
I won't let you down.

I'll rescue you.
I'll be your hero. I'll...

I'll be arrested if I don't
put some clothes on.

Ah, to think he was sitting here,
all by his chubby little self,

stuffing his chubby little face when...

Say, what's this?

He spelled something out in maple syrup.

"Beagle Buys."

Beagle Buys?

Beagle Boys!

So that's who's behind it all!

Mr. McDee's Anti-Beagle Boy
Burglar Alarm will lead me right to him.

One cup flour...

...two eggs...

...one chainsaw.

Mm! What's cooking, Ma?

Oh, these are for your
less-fortunate brothers

who are still in the slammer.

There's, um, custard crowbar pie,
pumpkin p*stol popovers,

and my favorite -
chocolate chainsaw surprise.

Ow!

No!

At last. It's picking up something.

Knock it off, or I'll tie you all up
just like little lardo here.

It's the stooge!

Launchpad...

Not a sound, fatso,
or your friend gets it!

It's you!

Oh! Well, if it isn't
that nice young man

who helped me across the street.
Come in.

Sit down. Take a load off your mind!

What are you doing way out here?

Thanks. I've been searching
high and low for a friend of mine.

A roly-poly kid, about as big
as this lamp here.

He was kidnapped by the Beagle Boys.
Ever heard of them?

Uh, Beagle Boys?

Oh, they sound cute.

Ooh, gracious!

How did that file get in there?

When I get my hands on those Beagles,
I'm gonna...

Say, those fellas look a lot like...

...Beagle Boys.

Doofus!

This is a huckleberry hand-grenade cake,
McQuack!

Try anything funny, and I'll blow
the frosting out of you!

They're getting away
with our loot!

- Buckle up, boys!
- After them!

I knew you'd save me. I knew it!

All part of being a hero, little buddy.

Well, if that will be all, Officer,
I'd better go home and...

...break the terrible news.

Whoa!

See what happens when you don't
wear your seatbelts?

Surprise, Mr. McDee.

Launchpad! You're alive!

I'm going to k*ll you!

You did it, Launchpad!
You are a hero!

You rescued me and got back
all of Mr. McDuck's money.

You ought to hire him
back again, Mr. McDuck.

Heck, he ought to give me a raise.

Thanks for not pressing
charges, Mr. McDee.

I was what you call duped, you know?

Aye, nobody knows better than I
what a dupe you are.

That's why you can come back
to work for me.

Well, uh, what about that raise?

Of course not! I was already paying you
twice what you're worth.

All right, I'll work
for half as much as before.

Not a penny less.

You got to get up pretty early
in the morning to dupe this duck.