04x05 - Anger Management

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ ♪

- Hello, Mister Pretzel.

You're looking
wonderfully salty today.

Now, I hope this doesn't hurt
too bad, but--

- No!

- Cute.

So, why are you
all happy-smiley?

Oh, wait, forget it, I know.

- What do you know?
- You've had that look

on your face ever since you
started dating James.

- Oh, stop it, my facial joy
has nothing to do with James.

- Oh, please.

So what's in your backpack?

- Nothing.

Quit it, no touchie!
- What?

- Hey, paws off my backpack.

I'm calling security.
I will call security!

Lola! Give it here.

- "To James.

"Happy one-week anniversary.

Luv, Zoey."

Love?

- Spelled l-u-v,
which is way less intense

than l-o-v-e,
and you know it.

- Zoey loves James!

- Don't!
- Zoey has a boyfriend.

- I will hurt you.

- Uh, wasn't that--

- Dustin!

- I don't have time to talk.

I got to go get this coffee
to Logan

and then do his laundry.

- Wait, wait, wait!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Logan's paying you
to do stuff for him again?

- He hired me
as his personal assistant.

Bye.

I got to go!

- I think
it's a really bad idea

for you to be Logan's assistant.
- Really bad.

- Yeah,
but he's paying me a lot.

- What do you need money for?

- To buy Mom
a birthday present.

I wanna get her a webcam
so we can video chat.

- You don't need to do that.
- Yeah, if she wanted

to see you, she wouldn't have
sent you to boarding school.

- Please don't help me.

Seriously, can't you earn money
by doing something like--

[phone chimes]
- Hang on, got a text message.

[beeping]

It's Logan.

- What does he want?

- Me, immediately.

I got to go!

- Look, Dustin--

- Okay, you animals.

I want everyone to burp
into this chamber.

[burping]

- [chuckles]

- And...fire the burps!

- What's the big deal about
Pafluvian lemonade?

- I got
the Pafluvian lemonade.

- Yo, yo.
- Yo, yo.

- Hey, can you come outside
and help me with--

- Blast them, blast them!

- Uh, you know
they put the nuts inside

so you can eat 'em?
- I know.

But I hate peanuts,
so I suck off the chocolate

and spit out the nuts.

- Lemonade. Lemonade!

- What's this?

- Oh, I built a paint grenade.

[laughs]
Relax, it's harmless.

It just blasts you
with 54 different colors.

- Which I view as harmful.

So, hey, will you come
downstairs and fix my Jet X?

It's making weird noises.
- Sure.

Let me grab my tools.

- You know, I should buy
some tools one day.

- Nah, you're too girly.

- Yeah.

[cartoon continues on TV]

Hey.
LOLA: Hi.

[sighs]

Oh!

[cartoon continues]

[giggles]

Ooh, peanuts!

DUSTIN:
Please leave a message,

and I'll get right back
to you.

[beep]
LOGAN: Where is that kid?

He was supposed to be here
two minutes ago!

[groans]

Dustin!

Where's my teriyaki chicken?

BOY: Hey, shut up.

[pop music
playing in background]

- Logan needs two more days
to do his book report.

- How long can a two-page
book report take to--

Who are you, anyway?

- Logan's assistant.

- Assistant?

[phone pinging]

- Yeah,
and I got a lot to do,

so will you just give him
another couple of days?

- I said no.

- You ever been
to Vaccaro restaurant?

- No, I can't afford that place
on a teacher's salary.

- Here's a gift card--
dinner for two.

Compliments of Logan.

Best lamb chops
in California.

- I'll give Logan
two more days.

- Thanks.

[line ringing]

DUSTIN:
Hi, this is Dustin Brooks,

assistant to Logan Reese.

Please leave a message,
and I'll get

right back to you.
[beep]

- Listen to me, Dustin.

I told you that I expect you

to answer your cell phone
when I call.

I've been trying to reach you
for over ten minutes,

and now I'm late for ping-pong!
Okay?

You've made a fool out of me
for the last time.

I don't care
if you're 11 or 12

or however old you are.

You're old enough
to not be this much of an idiot!

Nice.

You've made a fool out of me
for the last time.

I don't care
if you're 11 or 12

or however old you are.

You're old enough to not be
this much of an idiot!

[beep]

- Oh, my God!

- Who talks to a kid like that?

- Michael,
where are your golf clubs?

I'm gonna use a five-iron
on Logan's head.

Here they are.

Hey, put me down!

What, am I the only one

who wants to do something
about this?

- No,
you're just the only one

who wants to drive Logan's head


- I want to get him.

- We're gonna get him.
- How?

- I think we just need
to let Logan

hear what he sounds like.

- He won't care.
- No way he'll care.

JAMES: I bet he'll care

if a lot of people
hear what he sounds like.

♪ ♪

LOGAN: Listen to me, Dustin.

I told you that I expect you

to answer your cell phone
when I call.

I've been trying to reach you
for over ten minutes,

and now I'm late
for ping-pong!

- Who's this obnoxious?
- Yeah.

GIRL: Yeah!

LOGAN: You've made a fool

out of me for the last time.

BOY: That's Logan Reese?

- What a jerk!

LOGAN: I told you
that I expect you

to answer your cell phone
when I call.

I don't care
if you're 11 or 12

or however old you are.

You're old enough to not be
this much of an idiot!

[indistinct murmuring]

- I know it's not the place
of a journalist

to give his opinion,
but in this case, I must.

Logan Reese,
you are despicable.

Jeremiah Trottman, PCA news.

Courage.

- [laughing]

[cartoon continues on TV]

A bear in a skirt.

That would never happen,
but I love it.

- Oh, is that the one
where the bear--

[gasps]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[thinking] Tell her!
Tell her

those peanuts were in
your mouth!

No, don't tell her.
She'll be disgusted.

It's better she doesn't know.

You have to tell her.
She's still eating them!

But she's already
eaten so many.

The damage is done.
Telling her now is pointless.

So you're just gonna let her
keep eating

your spittle-covered nuts?

Yeah, I think I am.

- [laughing]

Bears don't wear bras.

Want some nuts?

- I--I--

[music playing over headphones]

- What?

- Are you Logan Reese?

- Yeah, why?

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Hotter! Oh!

[cartoon continues on TV]

- Hey, did you hear what we did
with Logan's voice mail?

We uploaded it onto the--

- [chuckles]

- Lola!
- What?

- Those peanuts
were in Quinn's mouth!

- What?
- Quinn ate off all the candy,

then spit the nuts out
into that bowl.

- I am going to k*ll her.

But first I'm gonna puke.

[coughs, gags]
STACEY: Oh, hi, Lola.

- [vomits]
STACEY: Oh, my sweater!

Are those peanuts?
- [groans]

- I'm sorry!
- How could you not tell me

those peanuts
had been in your mouth?

- By the time I walked in--
- You made me eat peanuts

covered with your spit!
- I didn't mean to.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- It was too late!

{\an5}- Why didn't you tell me?
- It was too late!

- Why didn't you tell me?
- It was too late!

[shouting continues]

LOGAN: You've made
a fool out of me

for the last time.

I don't care
if you're 11 or 12

or however old you are!

You're old enough to not be
this much of an idiot!

[audience booing]

- Okay, that was awful.

- Darn tootin', it's awful.

- Horrible.

- Where am I?

- What kind of a school
lets a teenager

get away with talking to
a little boy like that?

- I blame
whoever runs the school.

- Agreed.
- Absolutely.

[applause]

- This time,
you've gone too far.

- Dean Rivers.

Yesterday, Lola Martinez
barfed on my sweater,

and I feel--
- Out.

- [whimpers]

♪ ♪

- Did you or did you not

leave that message
on Dustin's voice mail?

- Yeah, but I didn't want
anyone else

at PCA to hear it.

- Well, everyone at PCA's
heard it.

Half of America's heard it!

It's all over the web!

You have brought disgrace

to Pacific Coast Academy,

and even worse--

[device trilling]

What are you doing?

- Checking some sports scores.

You should get yourself
one of these. It's--

- Stop talking!

You should never have left
that voice mail.

It was out of control.

- Okay, I get it.
No more angry voice mails.

Now can I please go work
on my tan

while the sun's still out?

- You don't get it!

- Get what?

- I've had calls
from the PCA board of directors,

the Alumni Association,

and I've heard
from dozens of parents,

all of them complaining
about that vicious voice mail

you left Dustin.

A lot of people
want me to expel you.

- Well, why don't you
tell 'em all

that my dad donates $1 million
a year to this school,

which makes me...
untouchable.

- Your daddy's money
isn't gonna help you this time.

- Come on,
you can't expel me.

- I'm sending you
to a ten-week class

in anger management.
- Why?

- Because you have
an anger problem.

- I do not!
This whole thing is just stupid.

I don't have an anger problem!

MAN: Now, who can tell us

what main thing usually causes
people to become angry?

David, do you know

what usually causes people
to become angry?

- Call on somebody else!

- All right.

Katie, can you tell us

what causes--
[sighs]

Katie, I know you love
cantaloupe,

but we have rules against
eating food during class, so I--

KATIE: [grunts]

- Okay.

Logan, I know this is
your first session with us,

but can you answer the question?

- I don't know.

I guess people
get angry when--

when they don't get
what they want?

MAN: That's part of it, yes.

Why don't you tell the others

what brought you
to our anger management class?

- Uh, well,

I go to PCA,

a boarding school
not too far from here,

and I left this voice mail
for this kid Dustin--

- You're the jerk
that left that voice mail?

- I heard that on the internet!

[overlapping shouting]

- Lola, come on.

Lola, it's been three days.
Talk to me!

You can't not
speak to me forever.

I honestly don't think
you have any reason

to be mad at me.

I never meant for you or anyone
to eat those nuts!

Lola.

Lola!
[keys clacking]

You are not
moving from this spot

until you say something to me.

A sentence, a phrase,

a word, a sound--
something!

- Pbbt!

- I'm back.

- Hey!
It's the angry young man.

- Not funny, dude.
I just spent two hours

in a classroom full of freaks.

- How many more times
you got to go?

- Zero.

I'm done with that
waste of time.

MICHAEL: How'd you get out of
anger management class?

I thought Dean Rivers said
you had to go like ten times.

- My dad called him
and worked out a deal

with my anger management
teacher.

- What kinda deal?

- All I got to do

is not get mad for two weeks.

If I can go that long
without screaming at anyone,

I'm off the hook.

- Your rich daddy gets you
outta trouble again, huh?

- How great is it being me?

- And Dean Rivers is just
gonna take your word for it

that you don't lose your cool
for two weeks?

- Nah. Get this.
My anger management teacher's

gonna be hanging around PCA,

spying on me
to make sure I "stay calm."

- He doesn't even have to go

to anger management class
anymore?

- I knew
he'd get outta trouble.

- Well not totally.
He does have to go

two full weeks
without screaming at anybody.

- And what if he does yell
at somebody?

- Then he's got to go back
to that class ten more times.

- Interesting.

- Uh-oh.

- There. Done.

- What is that?

- My stupid art project.

- I thought that was due
three weeks ago.

- It was.
Miss Fisher told me

I was gonna have to repeat
the class

if I didn't hand it in
by today.

Give me a fish stick.

- Paws off my fish stick.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Zo.
- Hi.

My--my--my art project!

Come back! Hey!

Why'd you--come back--

I got to pop the balloons!

- Hey! Not with my fish sticks.
I need those!

I need the fish sticks!
LOGAN: No! Hey!

ZOEY: [chuckles]

I'm sorry.
Did that upset you?

- [shrieking]
Did that upset me?

No.

I appreciate you doing that.

What?
- Bet you a dollar

I'm shorter than you.

- You're taller than me.

- Bet you a dollar I'm not.

- Fine, I'll take your money.

- See?
I'm shorter than you.

JAMES: No, I'm pretty sure
I'm shorter.

- Dude, you're like
four inches taller.

JAMES:
[laughs] I don't think so.

- I'm looking up at you.

JAMES:
Oh, but my shoes are bigger.

LOGAN: No, they're not.
JAMES: Yeah, they are.

- You're wearing sandals.

- No, they're pretty thick.

- They're just sandals.
They're normal sandals.

I'm looking at your sandals,
and they're

not that thick.
- Oh, you're right.

I am taller.
Here's your dollar.

- Whatever.

What?

- Nothing.
- Just hanging.

- You people are weird.

[squish]
What in the--

Uhh...

You put honey on my--

Thank you.

Mmm.
I do enjoy honey.

Thanks again.

[honks horn]

[pop music playing]

♪ ♪

- Okay, I've been thinking
about this a lot,

and I truly and honestly feel

that what I did
wasn't so wrong.

[beeping,
music volume increases]

♪ ♪

I mean,
I guess I shouldn't have

left the bowl of nuts
sitting there, but--

[music volume increases]

But I had no idea you were
coming back to the room and--

[beeping,
music volume increases]

[shouting] When I saw
you'd already eaten so many--

♪ ♪

[music stops]

- Put it back in the dock.
QUINN: No!

We are gonna settle this
right now.

What's it gonna take
for you to forgive me?

- Drink it.
- Eww!

- You let me eat
your chewed-up,

saliva-covered peanuts,
so if you want us to be even,

drink my gargle.

- And then we'll be friends
again?

- And then
we'll be friends again.

Stop!

Eww, eww, eww!

- You said I should drink it.

- I know!

But the fact that you would...

That's enough.

- So we're good?

- We're good.

What do you say we go down
to the lounge and gawk at guys?

- Let's gawk.

- Hey, I'm gonna go sh**t
some hoops.

LOGAN:
Who cares what you do?

- You got it?
- Yep.

- Nice.
It won't hurt him, right?

- Nah, Quinn says
it's totally safe.

- Bummer.
- Ready?

[beeping, trilling]

LOGAN: Hey, what's--
[boom]

[screaming]
[rapid popping]

[coughs]

Thank you

for all these colors on me.

I like this.

I'm happy, like a rainbow.

- Look at you.
How can you not get mad?

- 'Cause I'm too smart
for you.

And you. And you.
Ha-ha.

- Logan.

I'm proud of you.

I'm gonna tell Dean Rivers

that you've succeeded.

No more anger management classes
for you.

- Appreciate it,
Mr. Higgley.

- We didn't think
you could do it.

- We thought for sure
you'd get mad over that.

- Just listen closely.

[shouting] You people
are gonna pay for this!

You're gonna pay
to have my hair fixed.

You're gonna pay
to have my skin cleaned.

You're gonna pay
for everything you did.

- Logan, are you angry?

- Angry?

I'm nine miles past angry!

And if you think I'm screaming
at you now,

just wait till I--

- You were right, Zoey.

Logan was just waiting
until I left.

- Whoops.

- Aww!

MR. HIGGLEY: And as we all
know, part of being

a well-adjusted human being

is having the ability
to face frustration

yet remain calm
and not get angry.

- Hey, can I borrow a pen?

- Don't hassle me!

[overlapping screaming]

WOMAN:
♪ Yeah, if you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

LOLA: Drink my gargle.