04x10 - Coffee Cart Ban

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[horn honks]
JAMES: All right, wait.

So you're saying
you can knock people out

just by squeezing
their inner elbow?

- Yeah, it's easy.
- Easy for you.

- It is.
Look.

You put your thumb right here

and these fingers
on the back of your elbow,

and then you just
apply transverse pressure.

- Like this?

- No, um,
oh, here, watch.

- Oh, so you just push down
with the thumb.

- No, um, it's more like you
push in and then across.

Um, like this.

- Hey, that's Tiffany
from my French class.

- Oh, yeah, hmm.
Cool earrings.

- Oh, hey, Dean Rivers.

JAMES: Dean Rivers.
- Kids.

This is my wife, Tipper.

- Hi, I'm Quinn.
- Mrs. Rivers.

- Nice to meet you.

- She just loves
her new iBerry.

TIPPER: Oh, my God.

You know that scarf
I saw at Dorfberg's?

The one they said
didn't come in green?

Look!

It does come in green.

I am going to get
that saleslady

if it is
the last thing I do.

[students chattering]

- What's this about?

- Ethan, hey, hey.
What's going on?

- The coffee carts,
they're having half-price day.

- Half price
on coffee drinks?

- Coffee,
smoothies, muffins.

Half price on everything.

I gotta go!

- Wow, half-price coffee.

- Well, if you ask me,

I say kids today
are way too obsessed with--

- Let's go!

[students whooping]

[all shouting]

- Hey, hey, calm down!

Will you people chill out?

- We are working
as fast as we can!

- Petite mochaccino!

- Hey, I was here
way before you.

- One grandiose latte!

- Where's her grandiose latte?

- I'm doing my best.
Stop screaming at me!

- Here, take it.

- Yay.
Bleh!

- Oh, wait, I need a straw.

Hey, I need a straw.

GIRL: Come on!

[students continue shouting]

- Yay.

- Aah!

- Mmm, yum.

- Wait, no, no, no!

[girls screaming]

- No!

[screaming]

- Hey, lady, look out!

- Can't you see I'm texting?

[screaming]

[thud]

GIRL: Oh, my God,
is that the new iBerry?

- Two, three, lift.
[grunting]

DEAN: Tipper, Tipper!

Can you hear me?

- Yes, I can hear you.

Help me up!

- How did this happen?

- It was chaos.

There were like a hundred kids

freaking out over
the half-price sale.

- Bullhorn!

Attention!

Attention all PCA students!

From this day forward,

I hereby ban all coffee carts
from this campus.

BOY: You can't do that.
- What?

- No, no.

- You can't ban
the coffee carts.

- I just bought a new mug.

- Then fill it with chowder.
- Chowder?

- Anybody caught on this campus
with coffee

will be in big trouble.

That applies to students,

teachers, everyone.

[students groaning]

Can I get you anything?

- Yes, a new life!

Move!

- Chowder?

- Dang it.
- Who says "dang it"?

- People who grew up
in the South.

- Who cares?
I want coffee.

- Yeah, I wouldn't mind
a decaf icy blend.

QUINN: Watch this.

[high-pitched whirring]

QUINN: Ha.

I win again.

- Well, yeah.

- Girls.

Special girl.

Hey, why do your lips
taste like--

- Uh, let's talk
over there.

We'll be right back.

Keep it down,
would you?

- You taste like coffee.

- I understand.
- How?

- 'Cause I've been
drinking coffee.

- But there's no coffee
on campus.

- Isn't there?

- Where?

- [whispers]

- No way.

- You can't tell people.

- Yeah, yeah.

Come here, come here,
come here.

[whispers]

- Really?
- No way!

[all giggling]

- Hurry!

MAN: ♪ Da da da
bap bap bah... ♪

- Excuse me.
- Password?

- What password?

- Just let us in.
- You big meathead.

- Names.
- Zoey, Lola, and Quinn.

- Wait here.

Go ahead.

[crowd chattering]

GIRL: Hey, can I get
a blueberry muffin?

[chattering continues]

- Girls,
thanks for stopping by.

- When did you guys--

- Hey, Logan,
we got a situation here.

- Be right back.

What's the problem?

- He wants sugar for free.

- For free?
CALVIN: Yeah.

You're charging me
nine bucks for a large coffee,

and now I'm supposed to pay
another buck for sugar?

LOGAN: You don't like it,

go buy your coffee
somewhere else.

- There is no place else
at PCA.

- You want the sugar?

MICHAEL: Thank you.

- Wait,
you wanna buy a muffin?

CALVIN: No!

- Sorry.
So what can I get you?

- $9 for a cup of coffee?

- Kind of pricey.

- You can get a medium
for $8.50.

- But the PCA coffee carts
didn't charge nearly that much.

- Oh, well.

- Um...

- You're not gonna charge me,
are you, baby?

- Yes, I am.

- We're boyfriend
and girlfriend.

- I know, but business
is business, hmm?

- Where's James?

- Don't know.
You want coffee or not?

- We're not gonna pay
your freakish prices.

- Then no coffee for you.

- Wait, how are you
selling coffee?

Where are you
getting it from?

- I have a connection.

- I'll get us some.

Hi, Michael.

- Hey, Lola.

- One large coffee.

- Can do.

That'll be $9.

LOLA: No problem,

I got a $10 bill right in my--

Zoey, Quinn, let's go!

- Right behind you.

[gasps]

- JT, you know what to do.

- Ow!

- Manhandler!

- This is so unfair.

Any kid who wants
coffee at PCA

has to deal with stupid Logan.

- So what are we gonna
do about this?

- I don't know,
get a part-time job

so we can afford
Logan's prices?

- Yeah, I don't do jobs.

- Hey, my uncle
just married a lady

who runs a coffee shop
in Seattle.

- You think
she'd send us coffee?

[upbeat pop music]

GIRL: Hot chocolate, please.

[students chattering]

- How much for a large?

- $4.
- Really?

You know, Logan's charging
nine bucks for a large.

- Is he?

Well, we're not.

Your coffee.

- Your $4.
Thanks.

- Thank you.

- Hey, there's like eight more
kids outside

who wanna come in.

- Uh...

okay, let them in.

- Cool.

Hey, guys.

GIRL: Hey, Zoey.
BOY: Hey, Zoey.

- Hey, you got room for one
more thirsty PCA stude--

LOGAN: I don't get it.

What happened?

- People stopped coming
here to buy coffee.

- I know that.
I wanna know why.

- I'll tell you why.

Zoey Brooks is selling
coffee in her dorm

for less than half of
what we're selling it for.

- Zoey?

James,
did you know about this?

- Sure.

- So why didn't you tell me?

- 'Cause it's fun
when you're mad.

- I told you we were
charging too much.

- Yeah, well, everybody
was happy to pay us

till Zoey
stole our customers.

Where'd you buy that?

- From Zoey.

Hey, they had cinnamon.

- Look, let's just
lower our prices

and then we'll get
all our customers back.

- I got a better idea.

I'm gonna eliminate
the competition.

Yeah, Dean Rivers,
please.

- What are you gonna say?

- Yes, Dean Rivers?

I think I have
a little information

you'd like to know.

It's about coffee
on campus.

MAN: ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah... ♪

MAN: ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ ♪

MICHAEL: James, James!

Hey, James,
stop the game.

Hey, James,
hey, James!

[panting]

- My roommate.

- I gotta talk to you.
Excuse me.

- What's up?
- Logan dropped dime on Zoey.

- Dropped dime?
- It's a cool street term.

It means he turned her in.

- All right,
just catch your breath

and tell me what
happened.

- Logan called Dean Rivers
and told him

that Zoey's selling coffee
and muffins and such

in her dorm room.

- Take my place
in the game.

- But these aren't
my hoop shoes.

I can't play basketball--

- Michael!

[students chattering]

[cell phone rings]

- Hey, how's your game going?

- Dean Rivers is
on his way to your dorm.

- What?

- You better shut down fast.

I'm on my way.
- Thanks.

Okay, everybody listen.

We're about to get busted.

- Well, don't just
stand around.

- Hide everything!

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ No, no, no
ooh, ooh ♪

♪ No, no, no,
ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Keep it alive... ♪

[moaning]

- Okay.

Pillows over here.

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ No, no, no
ooh, ooh ♪

♪ No, no, no... ♪

[students chattering]

♪ ♪

- Oof!

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ No, no, no
ooh, ooh ♪

♪ No, no, no, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ No, no, no
ooh, ooh ♪

♪ No, no, no, oh, yeah! ♪

- "And he came upon
the clearing

and saw the glorious fields
beneath him and proclaimed..."

- "Gaze upon this place

"from whence
those before us frolicked

"and let us give thanks
for the bounty

that has been
bestowed upon his."

- Um, excuse me.

- Shh, this is
my favorite part.

- "And so the people
rejoiced

and feasted upon
the blessed fruits."

ALL: The blessed fruits.

- "Then raised
their voices in song,

praising their homeland."

- Sorry about that, Dean Rivers.
Whatcha need?

DEAN: Um...

I got a phone call
saying that...

Never mind.

- Hey, can I get
another large coffee?

GIRL: I need a medium decaf.

- Do you guys have any more
of those fat-free muffins?

[all talking at once]

- Hey, hey, you guys!

We gotta close down
for a few days.

[all groaning]

- How come?

- Logan told Dean Rivers on us,

so he's gonna be
all suspicious now.

- [sighs]
She's right.

- Yeah.
Get out!

- We'll open back up
in a few days,

after things cool down.

- But for now, leave.

[students chattering]

BOY:
Get your backpack.

- Bye.

- Thanks for warning us.

- Hey, what are
boyfriends for?

- Aw.

- This is no time for cuteness.

Now Logan's gonna get
all of our customers.

- No, he's not.

- But don't you think
everybody's gonna--

- He messed with our business,

so we're gonna mess with his.

- How?

- How, Quinn?

- Well, um,
I have been working

on extending the range
of my zap watch.

- What's a zap watch?

QUINN: Hmm, hmm, hmm.

[watch beeping]

Twist the thingy.

- Ow!

No more questions.

MAN: ♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop
yada, da, da... ♪

[students chattering]

- Nice to see you, Jeff.

Hey, Gordy,
how's that French roast?

Alison, nice sweater.
- [giggles]

- [whispers]
It's awful.

Hey, what did I tell you?

We're back in business,
my friend.

- Yeah,

but why'd you
have to raise prices?

- Because I can.

- Hey, Logan.
- Hey.

- Cappuccino.

♪ ♪

- Okay, guys.

- Is James there yet?

- Oh, let me check.

QUINN: Yep.
James just walked in.

[students chattering]

♪ ♪

Okay, he touched
his forehead.

We're good to go.

[students chattering]

- That thing scares me.

- It won't, like, hurt
anybody, will it?

- Not too bad.

And...

QUINN: Zap.

- Ah!
- Oh, Oh.

- Did you get it?

- Yep, targeting
another one.

QUINN: Hold still.

- Hey, my cup's leaking.

- Yeah, mine is too.

- Hey, don't drip coffee
on the carpet.

- It's not my fault.

QUINN: And zap.
Yes.

- Hey!
QUINN: This is kind of fun.

- Keep zapping.
- Zap it up, Quinn.

- Hey, mine is leaking too.
Pass me some napkins.

- What's going on?
I need more napkins.

- Where are the napkins?

- Is there anymore napkins?

- I told you not to buy
those cheap cups.

You don't buy cups
spelled with a "K."

- They're quality cups.

- Look around.

- This is so great.

- Yeah.

Move!
- Hey!

- Ow!
LOLA: [laughs]

- Ow!

LOLA: [laughs]

[girls laughing]

QUINN: All right,
stop zapping Logan.

- Ow!
LOLA: [laughs]

- Ouch!

- What's going on in here?

- Dean Rivers.

GIRL:
It's the dean!

[students shouting]

- Ow!

- Whoops.

[chuckles]

- Logan, Michael,

in my office.

Now!

- They're so busted.

- Yes.

- So are you.

♪ ♪

DEAN: I am flabbergasted.

Flabbergasted!

You understand me?

What don't you
understand, Logan?

- What "flabbergasted" means.

- It means I am shocked
and outraged

that you kids
would defy PCA rules

and run two ill*gal coffee shops
right under my nose.

I banned the coffee carts
for a reason,

and I expect
my rules to be respected.

Well, what do you have
to say?

- Well, none of the kids
at PCA think it was fair

of you to ban the coffee carts
in the first place.

- Who asked you?
- You just did.

- Don't twist my words.

When I ban something from
this campus, it's banned.

For you, for me,
for everyone.

And what is this thing?

- I wouldn't touch that.

- I am the dean of this--

- Uh, what is that?

- Nothing.

Let's forget about
this whole thing.

Dismissed.

- My goodness.

- Just leave that alone.

- Dean Rivers,
that isn't coffee, is it?

- It looks like coffee.

- [sniffs]
Smells like coffee.

- I am gabberflasted.

I am shocked.

- I think Jeremiah Trotman

might be very interested to know

that the dean of PCA
violated his own coffee ban.

- What a great story
for the "PCA News."

- I don't think we need
to involve "PCA News."

Why don't we just pretend that
none of this ever happened?

- Sure.

Right after you make
a little announcement.

DEAN: Attention,
PCA students and faculty.

After rethinking the situation

and my somewhat
hasty decision,

I've decided...

the PCA
coffee cart ban is over.

[cheering]

- ♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh
ahh, ahh... ♪

♪ ♪

- One grandiose javaccino,
$3.50.

- One grandiose javaccino.

- Sure. $400.

- What?

I'm not paying you 400 bucks.

- If you don't like it, go buy
your coffee somewhere else.

- Come on, dude.

- $400, or no coffee.

- There is no way I'm...

Ugh.

One hundred.

Two hundred.

Three hundred.

Four hundred.

WOMAN: ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[bell dings]
MAN: Mmm!

LOLA: That thing scares me.