04x02 - Fake Roommate

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[rock music]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Well, well,
kiss and tell ♪

♪ It's been on
my mind as well ♪

♪ Well, well, kiss and tell ♪

- Ew, this is not pudding.

What is this goo?
- That's hummus.

- Well, why is it posing
as pudding?

- It looks nothing
like pudding.

That's clearly hummus.
- Which is made from eggplant.

- No, that's baba ghanoush.

- Who is Bob Ganush?

Wait, doesn't he pitch
for the Lakers?

- There's no one
named Bob Ganush.

- Then why'd you say--
- Just eat your pudding.

- All right.

- Hi.
ALL: Hey, Coco.

- Ooh, someone's been shopping.

- Hey, I'm not in the mood
for peppy cutesy.

- Wow.

- I'm sorry.

It's just that time of the year.

- Year?

- For my job review
with Dean Rivers.

Once a year, I have to
sit in his office

while he tells me
what a bad dorm advisor I am.

- At least he's honest.

Oh, come on,
you know you're awful.

- Hey!
- She's not that bad.

- She took that group
of sixth graders

on a camping trip
and lost two of the boys.

- They found them.
- Yeah, two weeks later,

huddled together
in a freezing cave.

- Okay, I'm the worst.
We all get it.

- Look, you want to make
Dean Rivers like you--

do something really nice
for him.

- Yeah, take him camping.

- Just find out
what makes him happy,

then use that.

- Okay. Okay.

I'll give it a shot.

Hey, uh, that hummus looks
pretty good.

- Take it.

- Sweet.

Mm. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ A grand scheme ♪

♪ I dreamed a little dream ♪

♪ But it was not to be ♪

♪ On this night ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I put my heart up ♪

♪ On the line ♪

♪ To be stepped on ♪

- Hey, man,
let's go hoop it up.

- I don't feel like hoopin'.

- Dude, Chase is just gone
for a while.

He'll be back again someday.

- You're making my best friend
sound like Frosty the Snowman.

- You got to get over this.

- Look, I don't miss Chase,

all right?

- Really?

What are you writing?

- Nothing.

No.
- Give it, I want it.

- No, I said it was nothing.
- I want to see it.

- No, just--
- I--

You don't miss Chase.

- Well, he's my best friend.

- What about me?

- You're my worst friend.

- Look, I miss Chase too.

But until he gets back,

let's look at the upside.

- What upside?
LOGAN: Well...

If we move that single bed
out of here,

rearrange stuff a little,

we got a lot of extra room.

- [sighs] So?

- Let's use it
for something fun.

- Like a...

Hot tub?

- There you go.

We could have a hot tub
in here.

- You'll pay for it?

- Uh, yeah,
that's a problem.

MICHAEL: Why?

Your rich daddy gives you

$15,000 a month allowance.

- Which I already spent
this month.

- On what?

- On this.

- What is it?

- Tan Credo from
Galaxy Wars.

- You spent 15 grand
on a movie man head?

- With a certificate
of authenticity.

- Oh, well, then.

- Come on, we're smart.

You're smart.

Let's think of a way
to get ourselves a hot tub.

♪ ♪

- Where are you dragging us?
- Just hurry.

- You're squishing my wrist.

- Coco, tell them
what you're doing.

- Okay, Zoey,
remember you told me

to find out what
Dean Rivers likes

and then do something special
for him?

- Yeah.
- Well, I called his wife

and she told me he loves lions.

- Oh, no.
- Lions?

- Yeah, he has lion artwork,
little lion statues.

- Tell them!
- I put a lion in his office.

[chuckles]

- A lion?
I just meant, like,

give him a gift card
to the Pottery Barrel.

- But this is so much better,
and no worries,

the lion's totally tame.

I rented him from Pete here.
[chuckles]

- Look, I really don't think
that it was a good idea--

- Coco, ladies.
- Uh, wait.

- I don't think
you should go in there.

[all shouting]

[lion roaring]

[Dean Rivers screaming]

[gasping]

WOMAN: Is that the dean?

[sirens wailing]

♪ ♪

- Dean! Dean Rivers,
I am so sorry

the lion scared you.

He looked so friendly
in the online brochure.

- [weakly] Come closer.

You're fired!
- [screams]

[rock music]

MAN:
♪ 'Cause we are the ones ♪

♪ You can't control ♪

♪ We are the ones... ♪

- We got us a hot tub.
- Yeah, we do.

Chase who?
[laughter]

- Hey, the water is getting
kind of cold.

- Mm.
Stand by.

Hey, Del Figgalo,

more hot water.

- How long do I got to keep
doing this?

- Till we're through
hot-tubbing.

MARK: All right.

[beep]

♪ ♪

- Ahh...

MS. BURVICH: Excuse me.

Logan Reese, Michael Barret?

- Hello.
- What?

- I'm Ms. Burvich
from the housing office.

- Oh, well, how are you doin'?

- Uh, I'm fine.

I don't mean to interrupt
your pool time fun...

But I wanted to introduce you

to your new roommate.

- Huh?
- New roommate?

- This is Dietrich.

- [speaking foreign language]

- Oh, man.
- Oh, come on.

- Is there a problem?

- We don't want
another roommate.

- Yeah.

There's--there's already

three of us living here.

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

It's me and Logan

and, uh--

- And Chase Matthews.

- And Chase Matthews.
[chuckles]

- Chase Matthews transferred

to another boarding school.

- [scoffs] No, he didn't.

- [speaking foreign language]

- Well, according to
the computer--

- Computers make mistakes.
- That must be what happened.

- Well, I...

guess I should go
look into this.

Come along, Dietrich.

Dietrich!

- Mushna!

- Yeah, "mushu."

I don't want to live
with "mushna."

- Dietrich.

- I don't want
any new roommate.

- Then we got
to figure out a way

to make her think
Chase still lives here.

[radio crackles]
MARK: Can I stop doing this?

- No!

[radio crackles, beeps]

[keys clacking]

- Either of you guys seen
the remote?

- It's right there.

- [straining]

I'll just take a nap.

[footsteps approaching]

- Hello, fellow girls.

This is Mira.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Mira is our new dorm advisor.

- Oh.
- Oh, really?

- So you're Coco's replacement?

- Uh, yeah, I guess
you could say that.

- I met Mira before anyone.

- Nice to meet you.

- I'm Quinn.

- Zoey. That's Lola.

- Quinn, Zoey, Lola.
Got it.

- And I'm still Stacey.

I'm from Massachusetts.

Do you want to know my hobbies?

In alphabetical order,

they are acrobatics, astronomy--

- Hey, could you talk less?

- Well, it's really cool
to meet you guys.

If you need anything from me,
call anytime.

- See you, Mira.

- So long, Mira.
- Bye.

- Bye.

- Wow, a dorm advisor
who's normal.

- And dresses cool.

- And doesn't smell like bugs
or ravioli.

- [chuckles]
- Okay, can we stop

trashing Coco behind her back?

- Come on, most people
trash her right to her face.

- Yeah, but I feel like
I got her fired.

- It wasn't your fault.
STACEY: Anyways,

Coco already
got another job.

- She did?
- Really?

- Already?
- Yeah, she's working at

Vaccaro, that
really fancy restaurant

just a half mile up PCH.

- See? I bet a server there
makes a ton more money

than a school dorm advisor.
ZOEY: Good.

That makes me feel
a little better.

- Um, Coco is not

working there
as a server.

- Then what's she doing there?

[indistinct conversation,
lounge music]

[toilet flushes]

- Hey, I'm Coco,

ladies' restroom attendant.

You havin' a nice dinner?

What'd you order?

Steak.

- Hi.

- Zoey,

what are you doing here?

- Well, Stacey told me
you got a job,

and I just wanted to come by
and say "hey."

- Hey.

- Look, I'm so sorry about
what happened.

- I'm not.
This job is fantastic.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, seriously.

Don't worry about it.

It's really great.

And sometimes they let me,
like--

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

This toilet's stopped up.

Would you mind?

- Yes, ma'am.

[wailing] k*ll me!

Go get a hammer,
then come back,

and k*ll me with it!

[sobbing]

Oh, God.

What is that?

[crying]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Michael.

[water splashing]

- What?

What?

- Our problems are over.

- You got us
that special shampoo?

- No.
I found a way to convince

that housing lady that
Chase is still our roommate.

- How are we gonna do that?

- I'm back.

♪ ♪

- Okay, that's the
housing office, right?

- Yeah. Ms. Burvich
should walk by any minute.

Come on, let's set fake Chase
up against the rock.

- You sure about this?

What if we get busted?

And I cannot get suspended.

My grandma
will be so mad at me,

and that woman
has a rage issues,

she's crazy.
I'm telling you--

- It's gonna work.

We just got to make sure
Ms. Burvich

doesn't get too close.
- Okay.

Okay, okay.

Hey, here she comes.

- Let's do this.

His hair is fine.

Ms. Burvich.
- Hey.

- Good morning, boys.

- Aloha.
- Good morning.

- I'm glad I ran into you.

I checked the computer,

and it says Chase Matthews

transferred out of PCA.

- Ma'am...

- There is Chase
sitting right over there.

- Huh, that is Chase.

- Yep.
- See?

- But I-I just don't
understand how--

Chase, will you come over here,
please?

BOTH: Shh.

- You shouldn't interrupt him.
- Yeah.

- He's, uh, got
a monster history paper due.

- Yeah, let Chase study.

- Well, all right.

I guess someone made a mistake.

I'll go modify
the computer records

since Chase is still here.

- Yes, you modify.

- Excellent.

- And when Chase is finished,
please tell him

to come by my office
to sign some papers.

- How come?
- Why?

MS. BURVICH:
It's required

for me to change
the computer record.

Good day.

- Well, now what?

- I don't know.

Maybe we could--

BOTH: [stammering, gasping]

Oh, man.
- My laptop!

♪ ♪

- Yay, I don't have to go
to chemistry class

'cause Mr. Banville
broke his collarbone.

- How did he do that?
- Who cares?

No chemistry. Whee!

- Hey, where's my other
blue sparkly sneaker?

- I don't know.
I gave them back to you.

- I only have one.

- Well, I gave them both back.

Why would I keep one shoe?

- To make me crazy.

- Yeah, I need
to make you crazy.

- For you.

For you.

- Thanks...for the clipboard.

- Those are petitions.

If we get enough students
to sign these,

I think I can get Dean Rivers
to give Coco her job back.

- Nah.

- Guys.

- We like Mira.

- She's a really good
dorm advisor.

- She baked us cookies
last night.

- Coco made us brownies once.

- Yeah, then she ate them all
and went to bed.

- And threw up in her sleep.

- Mira's a way better D.A.

- I know that, but come on,

it's kind of my fault
Coco got fired.

Please help me fix this.

She's working in a bathroom.

- All right.

- Give us the clipboards.

- I still need
my blue sparkly sneaker back.

- I gave it back to you.
- No, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did.
- [shouting]

♪ ♪

- Oh, hey, me and my friends
are having a petition

to bring back Coco.

Do you want to sign?

- Ugh.
- No way.

- Uh, no.

- [growls]

- Hey, do you want to sign
my petition

to bring Coco back?

- No.

- Just sign it. Sign it.

Sign the petition.
Sign it. Sign it.

Sign the petition.

- Oh, hey, will you guys
sign this

so we can bring back Coco?

[laughter]

Wait, you guys.

- Hey, Dean Rivers?

- Yes?
- Um. Listen.

Me and my roommates,
we've been going around

getting some of the girls
to sign a petition

to bring Coco back.
- I don't like Coco.

She almost k*lled me.
- But you lived.

And a lot of us
really want her back.

- Look, Zoey.
I'll admit that maybe

I shouldn't have fired Coco.

- She was just trying
to do something nice for you.

- I know,
but I've already hired Mira

and the girls really seem
to like her.

- But couldn't you maybe--

- Zoey, forget about Coco.

We're all better off.

- I'll catch you eventually!

Just sign the petition!

♪ ♪

- But I don't understand

why Chase can't just
come into my office

and sign these papers.

- I'm telling you, he's sick.

You can see
just by looking at him.

- [coughing]

MICHAEL: Okay?

- But if he feels well enough
to ride around on a Jet X,

then why can't he come into
my office for two minutes

and sign these papers?

- 'Cause he could be
contagious.

Are you looking to catch
a Portuguese head cold?

- What is a Portuguese--

- I'm not a doctor.

Look, just give me
the papers.

I'll run them over there
to Chase, he'll sign them,

I'll bring them back,
everybody's happy.

- All right.

- B.R.B.

- She buying it?

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

Yeah.

- Hurry.

- Here I am.

Signed, sealed, delivered.

They're yours.
- Thank you.

Well, I'm glad
this is settled.

And I do apologize
for trying to--

- Oh, you're a fine lady.

[dog growling, horn honks]

LOGAN: Quit it, get away, shoo!
[dog growling]

Get out of here.

- What is going on?
- Uh, nothing!

[stammering]
Everything is hunky-dory.

Just do what you do.
[chuckles]

- Hey, get back here.
That's my Tan Credo head.

Hey, hey!

- [wails]
- Fake!

He's a fake boy!

- No--

- I knew Chase Matthews
left PCA.

And let me tell you something,
mister,

you and Logan are getting--

- [sobbing] No!

- You and Logan are getting
a new roommate.

MICHAEL: No! [sobs]

♪ ♪

- How many signatures
did you get?

- Not enough. You?

- Three.
- I just got one,

from some kid named
Pea'nut Bu'tierre.

- Some foreign kid?

- That says "peanut butter."

- Well, he has awful
handwriting.

- Why'd some kid write
"peanut butter"

on your petition?

- I don't know.

But now I want some.

Come on, let's go get
some peanut butter.

Who's with me?

- I'll go.
- Okay.

- Yay. Just give me a sec
to brush my hair.

Okay, who took
my crazy cool hairbrush

and didn't put it back?

- Not me.

- Maybe you lost it
when you were busy

not returning my left shoe.

- I put your shoe back.

- Back to oblivion.

- I don't care.

I just want some peanut butter.
- [sighs]

Wait.

Didn't you say
you were missing a bracelet?

- Two.

- Okay, so where's
all our stuff going?

- There's a thief among us.

- So let's go tell Mira.

- Oh, yeah.

We finally have a dorm advisor

that can actually help us
with something.

- I hope she can help me get
a mouthful of peanut butter.

- Will you stop?
- What is wrong with you?

- When I was little,
I only liked

smooth peanut butter,
but now I'm a chunky girl.

- Chunky?
- Well, not that way.

- Mira, we got a problem.

It's open.

Mira?

Mira, are you in here?

We wanted
to talk to you about--

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

QUINN:
What is all this stuff?

- My hairbrush!

- And my shoe.

- Mira's the thief.

- You don't have
any peanut butter

in your pocket, do you?

- How are you?

Hey. How's it going?
- Hi.

Girls, Dean Rivers,

may I ask what you're all
doing in my--

- Stealer.

- Mira, can you explain
why you have

all these things here?

- Well, of course,

I'm--

I'm a contestant...

On a new reality show.

It's called "Take the Stuff."

- Mira.

- No, seriously, it's for Fox.

All right!

I'm sick! I take things.

I don't want to,
but I can't help it.

I have a problem.
[sobs]

Are you gonna fire me?

- Well, duh.

- Get out of here, you nutbar.

- All right.

- Stop her!

- Mira!
- What?

- What are you doing?
- I need this back.

- I need this one.
[yelling]

- So Coco
can have her job back?

Come on.

Come on...

- I gotta have this stuff!
I need this stuff!

- Are you crazy?
- I need this stuff!

- I can, really?

I'm on my way!

[screams]

Yay!

Coco's a dorm advisor again!

- I don't want a new roommate.

- Like I do?

- So, what if he smells weird

or tries to talk to me?

- Look, just 'cause
some guy's our roommate

doesn't mean we have to--

[tools clinking]

Hey, who's that?

MICHAEL: I don't know.
[engine turns over]

Isn't that Dean Rivers' car?

[engine revving]

- Ha!

- I think that's the new
girls' dorm advisor.

- I thought she got fired.

MICHAEL: Me too.

- Ha, later, PCA!

Whoo-hoo!

[laughing]

- Whatever.

WOMAN:
♪ If you want to play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

LOLA: Get out of here,
you nutbar.