03x16 - Zoey's Ribs

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[pop music]

[honks horn]

- Oh, come on.
- You come on.

- Like you've ever been
stranded on a deserted island.

- Neither have you.
- Uh, well, if I was

and I could only have one thing,
I would way rather have

a pair of socks than a knife.

- Why?
- One, socks will keep

your feet warm
so you don't freeze to death,

two, you can stick
your hand up a sock

and use it as a puppet
to keep yourself company,

and, three,
you drop a rock in a sock,

and, bam, you got yourself
a swingable weapon.

- How is a rock in a sock
a weapon?

- Why don't you close your eyes
and I'll show you?

- I don't want to close my eyes
and you show me!

- Why do you always talk?
No, you are not!

- No. I'm not gonna close
my eyes, and you'll show me!

- But you always talk.
- I know I'm always gonna talk.

- Just listen.
- Why do I have to shut up?

- One, two...

- Stop it!

- Can't we live in a world
where socks and knives

coexist peacefully?

- Hey, Zoey,
there's a delivery guy out there

looking for you.

- Wait!
Tell him that a rock in a sock

is not a weapon.

- You don't make any sense.
- I'm handsome!

I don't have to make sense,
you know that?

- Let's stop talkin', okay?
I'm always right!

- No, you're not!

- Or a weapon.

- It doesn't matter.

- Hi. You lookin' for me,
Zoey Brooks?

- Yeah. Sign here.

- What am I signing for?

- Ribs.

- Ribs?

- Who sent me ribs?

- Here.

- Would you--

- Sure.

Oh, my god.

- What?

- Your great Uncle Morris
passed away.

- I have a great Uncle Morris?

- Well, had.
- Aw.

- And he left you some ribs.

That's sweet and...

kind of weird.

- Yeah, this is a lot of ribs.

- Uh, you got more than that.

[light music]

- Okay. Write down three drops
of ammonium paraphite.

- What's the point
of making a liquid candle?

- An everlasting liquid candle.

You never have to relight it.

- I wish I was everlasting.

- All right.

Here, you light the candle.

- Okay.

- And I'll videotape the moment

for posterity.

And...go.

Aah!

[fire alarm whooping]

Oh!
[squealing/talking shrilly]

- What?

- Your eyebrows blew off.

- [whimpering]

[music]

♪ ♪

- All right.

You can keep your ribs in there
until Sunday.

- Thank you so much.

- But then
I need the space back.

I got a big shipment
of tater pops

coming in Monday morning.

- Oh, I love tater pops!

They're like French fries
in ball form.

- You're in ball form.

- Look, why do you have to say
the most ridiculous--

[both shouting]

- Hey, hey!
- Cool it!

- Hey, enough!

Okay. I did not suffer
through two years

of cafeteria college for this.

- You see what you do?

You guys upset a lunch lady.

- There's no such thing
as cafeteria college.

- Just stop fighting
for two seconds

and help Zoey figure out
how she's gonna eat

a thousand pounds of ribs
before Monday.

- What do you guys think
about a rib cook-off?

- What do you mean,
like a contest?

- Yeah. Kids form teams,
everybody sets up a booth,

best ribs win.

- I think people
will be into it.

- Probably.
- And the four of us

could be a team.
- I'm in. Cool!

- My dad's got an awesome
baby back rib recipe.

- Ooh, that works,
'cause my grandma makes

this homemade barbeque sauce,

you'd cry it's so good.

- Sweet!

- Yeah.
- Oh, you see?

Now, that's nice.

- What do you mean?
- What's nice?

- Seein' you guys cooperate
and not fight for once.

- Well, ribs do bring people
together.

- The magic of pork.

- [laughs] Amen!
- Amen.

- Amen.

- Yeah.

[music]

- Ow. Ow. Ow!

- Do you want eyebrows or not?

- Yes, please.
- Then hold still

and stop being a baby.

There.

- Dear god.

- Those were the only
fake eyebrows they had

in the drama department.
- I cannot walk around PCA

with two red gerbils
on my face.

- Hey, guys.

Oh, my god!

Mark, you look ridiculous!
- See?

- Would you rather have
no eyebrows at all?

- By tomorrow morning,

he'll have
his own eyebrows back.

- You found them?

- No. I made this.

It's a follicular stimulant.

- A follicu...huh?

- It accelerates hair growth.

You just dab a little
on whatever skin

you wish to become hairy,
and within hours, hair.

- And it works?
- You tell me.

- Oh!
- Oh, my--

- Your pit's all furry.

- Well, I had to test it out,
so last night

I put some of this under my arm,

and now, tuft.

- Oh!
- Stop showing us.

- Well, calm down.
I'll shave it off

before I go to bed tonight.

Now, get those caterpillars
off Mark's face.

- Okay.
- Uh, wait.

Is this gonna hurt?

'Cause I have
a low threshold of...

[ripping]
[screaming] pain!

[echoing]
Pain.

[music]

- Hey, want to play some pool?

Your loss.

- Coco.

- Hey, Coco.

- What?
- Look.

Dean Rivers just signed this.

- Am I fired?
- No.

- It just says we're allowed
to have a rib cook-off

this Saturday in the quad.

- If we get an adult
to supervise.

- Ribs? Can I be the judge?

- Well, yeah,
we were just gonna ask--

- I want to be the judge!
- Okay!

- You can be the judge.

- Yes!
Ha ha!

- Lola, come on, come on.
Let's go.

- I'm comin'.

- Where are you guys going?

- To grab some breakfast
before class.

Want to come?
- Yeah.

Let me just throw on
some clothes.

- Aah! Aah!

- What? What do you--

Aah!
What happened?

- I thought you shaved it off
last night.

- I did.

It must've grown back overnight
while I was...

Mark.

- Aaah!

[music]

[horns honk]

- You know, I like ribs,

but I feel bad
for the poor pigs.

- Oh, they don't have
to hurt the pigs anymore

to get the ribs.

- That's not true.

- Shh!

Now, you just lay the ribs
down there.

- Okay.
- And I'll apply

the Reese family's
world-famous rib rub.

- World famous?

- Yes. World famous.

- So if I'm walkin' down
the street in Bangladesh

and I turn to some Bangladonian
and say,

"Hey, you heard about
the Reese family's rib rub?"

he's gonna say,

[East Indian accent]
"Oh. Well, of course.

That is a world-famous rib rub.
World famous."

- I have to put up with this?

- Just rub the ribs.

- Okay. Step one.

You sprinkle it
all over both sides of the slab

like this,

then just rub it in
really good like this.

And...there.

- Nice.
- Okay.

Now what about the sauce?

- Ha! All right.

Now, we're just gonna take
a little of the sauce

with this brush, you see?

Then we're just gonna spread it
evenly across the slab.

- That's too much.

- Excuse me.

- You just put a little sauce on
before you cook 'em,

and then when they're almost
done, you put more on.

- You're a moron.

- Just tryin' to help.
- I'm doin' it

the way my grandma does it.

- Well, your grandma's wrong.

- Did I tell you
how to rub the ribs?

- No, 'cause I did it right.

- Come on, boys, play nice.

- No, no, no, no. It's cool.

Ha. Ha ha.

He did do it right.

Ha ha.

In fact, let me see if I have

the rib-rubbing technique down.

First, you get some rub,

then you apply it to the ribs.

That's right,
all in the rib cage area.

All in there, like that.

[laughs]

- Okay, maybe this would be
a good time

to take a little break.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Let me see if I understand
how to apply the sauce.

- The sauce?

That how your grandma does it?

- Ha ha. Yeah.

Let me show you
how she takes out the trash.

- Oh! Oh!

[shouting]

- One more time!

My grandma does so--

- Get off of him!

Guys, break it up! Stop!

- Don't talk about my grandma!

- Break! Break!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

- All right, since you two
can't act like grown-ups...

- We're gonna form
two separate teams.

- Michael, you're with me.
- Good!

- Sadly, I got you.
- Good.

Our ribs are gonna make
your ribs taste like...

bad ribs.

- Well, we'll settle this
on the grill.

- Quinn!

[students hooting and talking]

Quinn?

Quinn!

[music]

- Wait.
I thought you guys

and Michael and Logan

were all
on the same rib team.

What happened?
- Well, there was a rubbing.

- There was a saucing.
- Some grandma-bashing.

- And now I'm cooking ribs
with Michael.

- And I'll be ribbin' it up
with Logan.

- Zoey. Zoey!

- Oh, hey, Dean Rivers.

- What's up, Dean-o?

- Too casual.

- Dean Rivers, how are you?

- Very excited.

Guess who's right outside
the building.

- Who?
- Pierre Le Mange.

- From the food channel?
- No way!

- He's like the most famous
chef in the world.

- What's he doing here?

- He wants to judge
your rib cook-off.

- What?
- How did he even know about--

- I was at the gas station,
he pulls up next to me.

I say, "Aren't you
Pierre Le Mange?"

and he says, "Oui, oui."

- Really?
- Yeah.

So we start talking,
I mention the rib cook-off,

and he just offered
to be the judge.

- That's so cool.
- That's the best.

- That's awesome.
- You want to meet him?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

- Totally.
- Wait here.

- You got a celebrity judge.

- Yeah,
and who's gonna tell Coco?

- Who's gonna tell me what?

- Uh, Coco.

Um...

Zoey, why don't you tell Coco
the exciting news?

- Thanks, Chase.

Um...

on a scale of one to 10,
how mad would you be

if you didn't judge
the rib cook-off?

- [shrieks]
What?!

- Students, Pierre Le Mange.

- I can't stand it
when I'm promised something

and then--oh, my god,
you're Pierre Le Mange!

[giggling]

- Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Mes amis.

- I watch you on TV
all the time.

I made
your butternut squash fries.

- And were they delicious?

- Yeah!

- I knew your answer

before you responded.

- I'm Coco.

- Coco, named after my favorite
warm, chocolatey beverage

with the small marshmallows
that float upon the surface.

- [giggling]

- See, we were hoping
you'd be okay if Mr. Le Mange

judged the rib cook-off
and, uh...

- You were the assistant judge.

- Okay!

- Ah, you are a food expert?

- Oh, you bet your sweet bippy.

- I find you all delightful,

and I look forward
to tasting your ribs.

- I am in love with that man.

- Hey, Coco.

you dropped your pillowcase.

- That is my underwear!

- Well, I'm gonna go
boil my hand.

[music]

♪ ♪

- Look at this.

- Look at this!

- Well, what are we
supposed to do?

[music]

♪ ♪

[razors buzzing]

- This is one of
our brand-new dormitories.

Notice the extra wide hallways?

- Fantastique.

I have never seen
a school hallway so wide.

[cell phone ringing]

- Excuse me.

I should take this.
Just give me one second.

- But of course.

- Rivers here.

Sure, what time?

- Hey, Mr. Le Mange.

- Oui?
- I, uh...I hear

you're judging
the rib cook-off.

- Indeed, this is true.

Are you one of
the students competing?

- Yeah, me and my friend--

a tall, skinny kid, weird hair.

- Ah, it is nice to see
a young person

so interested in cooking.

- Interested in winning.

Oh, hey. What's this?

I think you dropped some cash.

- But I don't think--

- Take it.

- Oh.

- And, uh, when you're judgin',

just remember, Logan Reese,

the guy who found your $300.

[razors buzzing]

- There. I'm all fixed.

- Well, I'm not.
I have no eyebrows.

I look like a freak.

- No, you just look more...

aerodynamic.

Now, come on.

Let's go meet Zoey and Lola
for dinner.

- I'm not going out in public
like this.

- [sigh] All right.

I'll bring you something back.
- Thanks.

Can I get a plain potato
and a napkin?

- Sure. No butter, sour cream?

Plain potato and a napkin.

- Oh...

[cracking sound]
Oh! This is helping my back

more than you can understand.

- Oh, that's good to hear.

You just relax and enjoy.

- Very well,
but you must let me pay you

for this massage.

- Now, now,
you just remember me,

Michael Barret,

when you're judging
that rib cook-off.

- Oh. How can I forget?

You have hands
like a lumberjack.

- Oh! You flatter me.

Look out!

Here comes the chop-a-matic.

- Ohhh!

Ohhh! Ohhh!

- Ha ha. You like that.
I know.

[music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, sweety.

I got you the biggest
baked potato I could--

Mark!

- They're back.

- I've only been gone
for an hour.

How could--

Aah!
How could this happen?

- You tell me.
It's your follicular stimulant.

- Yeah, but I never knew
it would regenerate hair

this aggressively.

Oh, we're freaks.

- Yeah.

Can I have my potato?

- Oh.

[music]

- ♪ Grab your things,
get in the car ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We'll watch the sun
turn into stars ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Spread your arms
in groovy air ♪

♪ It's a perfect day ♪

♪ There's no one
bossin' you around ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So just get lost
until you're found ♪

[music stops]

♪ ♪

♪ Spread your arms
in groovy air ♪

♪ It's a perfect day ♪

- [sobbing]

♪ ♪

- They are fantastique.

- Oh, yes!

♪ ♪

- That's my grandma's
barbecue sauce!

- No talking
while Pierre's chewing!

[music]

- He stopped chewing.

- Well, what do you think,
Mr. Le Mange?

- Your ribs are excellent.

- But not better than 9.6,
right?

- Well...

[sirens wailing]

- Why are the police here?

- Jambon!

- There he is!

[blowing whistle]

- He's running!

Get him!

Don't let him get away!

- Cuff him, fellas.

- What was that about?

- You're under arrest.

Come on.
Let's go.

- Why is Pierre Le Mange
under arrest?

- This guy
is not Pierre Le Mange.

- What?
- He's an impostor.

He goes around the country
pretending he's Mr. Le Mange

so he can get free stuff
and special VIP treatment.

- No way.
- For real?

- Yeah.
We've been chasing this guy

ever since
the Burbank tamale festival.

- Oh, my god.

- Burbank has
a tamale festival?

- Put him in the car.

[police radio chatter]

- Wait! Wait for Coco!

- [on speaker] Step away
from the car!

- [American accent] Uh, you
have sauce all over your face.

[siren wailing]

- Great.

This whole rib cook-off
was for nothing.

- No, it wasn't.
- Yeah.

We had some fun, had some ribs,

got to see some cops
tackle some fake dude.

- Yeah.

Right before he picked
our ribs as number one.

- Your ribs don't even come
close to our ribs.

- You don't know about my ribs!
- I know about your ribs!

- My grandma made my ribs!
- All right!

[both shouting]
All right!

All right!

We're all sick and tired

of you two screaming
at each other.

- So from now on,
no more arguing.

- Seriously.

- They're right, you know.

- Yeah.

- So, uh, let's just--

- Oh.

- Beautiful.
- How sweet.

- All right,
everybody grab some ribs.

You guys crank up the music,
and let's get this dance goin'.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- ♪ Looking for you,
looking for me ♪

♪ Looking for somewhere else
to be ♪

♪ Life is better
when you're around ♪

♪ Just take me
out of this town ♪

♪ Small minds
can bring you down ♪

♪ Everything's better
when you're around ♪

♪ Put me in the spotlight ♪

♪ ♪

- I understand.

Thanks, Professor.

[music plays in distance]

- Well?

- He said, um,
based on the chemicals

and compounds that I used,

he thinks
the hair accelerator effect

should wear off
in three to four weeks.

- Great.

We gotta hide for a month.

[distant music continues]

[whooping, laughter,
music thumping]

- [sigh]

You know,
this is what's wrong

with being a teenager.

We're all so worried about what
everybody else thinks.

So what if you have
giant shrubberies for eyebrows?

Who cares what people think?

- You're saying I should
go out there like this?

- Why not?

- Okay.

And you're gonna go out

with that wad of fur
under your arm?

- ♪ Dim all the spotlights,
la da da dum ♪

♪ It's been
a permanent midnight ♪

♪ Permanent midnight ♪

♪ Permanent midnight ♪

- Why does Quinn even date him?

♪ ♪

- Oh, my grandma's sauce
is amazing.

- I know, dude.
- Your rib rub

is pretty good, too.
- I know, I--

- Hey, either of you guys
want to dance?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

[both shouting]
- Stop talkin' about my nana!

- I wasn't talkin' about
your grandma!

- Oh! Ow! No, you're not!

Not one more time!

Don't ever talk
about my grandma!

- Ow!

WOMAN: ♪ Yeah, yeah, you ♪

♪ Just gotta let it loose ♪

♪ And do what you
choose to do ♪

♪ Don't walk away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you want to play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away ♪

[bell dings]

MAN: Mmm!

LOGAN: The magic of pork.