05x04 - The Great Cactus Con

[bunniefuu]

[ music ]

[ ding ]

- Happy Fajita Friday, people! [ sizzling ]

- Oooo!

- It's not Friday-- it's Saturday.

- Oh, that would explain why

I was the only one at school today.

- Silence boy!

We're trying to buy tickets to Cactus Con!

- But they don't go on sale until Saturday.

- Think it through.

- Ohhhh! Today's Saturday--

I gotta buy tickets!

Anybody get tickets yet? - No.

- Do you see me tapping?

- I don't understand why everyone loves

this Cactus Convention so much.

- What?!

Tap my phone for me, will ya?

- Uhhh-- - Thanks, little buddy.

- Cactus Con is Swellview's best convention.

It's better than Wallet Con,

Squirrel Con, and Chaka Con.

- You can tap one more, right? - Uh, no. I'm kin--

- Thanks, champ.

- And there's great food there too,

like, cactus milk,

cactus tacos, cactus jerky...

- That all sounds disgusting.

- You're eating fajitas off the floor.

- You want one?

- Yeah, I'll have one.

- I'll take a floor-jita.

- And my sister's the Cactus Queen this year.

- Mhm, and I designed Piper's dress with my friend, Patina.

- Wait, wait, wait. The pretty Patina?

The prettier Patina, or the prettiest Patina?

- Uh, Patina L.

- The prettiest Patina?!

- Hey, tap my phone for me!

- I'm kind of maxed out here... - Thanks, sport!

- I love Patina L! I love her.

Like, I love her.

- Everybody loves Patina L. She's great.

- Have you, like, actually seen her?

Have you been to her house?

- Nah, her house is totally sealed shut.

- Why, does she smell bad?

- No, she's got this crazy--

- Heyyyy-eyyy! Gahhbaahhh!

Less yappin', more tappin'.

- What?! Dude, I am literally tapping

faster than any other human could tap right now.

- You can yap faster than any human can too.

Now, can someone please tell me

what Henry was about to say?

- Patina has this really rare allergy.

- What's she allergic to?

- Air.

- Ha ha ha ha ha. Good one.

No, seriously. What's she allergic to?

- She's allergic to unfiltered air

so she can't go to school in person.

- Yea--see, look.

- She has a nurse who pushes around a video monitor

that shows a live-stream of Patina

from her sealed up house.

- I swear, I do not understand your generation.

- Yeah, the monitor thing is a little weird at first, but--

- We got tickets to Cactus Con!!!

- Yeah baby! - Yes!

- Ha ha! - Woo!

- What?!

- Holy crust, d-did you just do a backflip?!

- Yeah.

- Is no one else impressed by Henry

just doing a backflip?

- It's just a backflip.

- He only did one.

- Yeah, everybody can do a backflip.

- I don't believe you.

Is this real life?

Wait, wait. No, no, no. What?

Are you seeing this?

- Can you not do one, dude? - Hmm?

- Can you not do one, dude?

- Of course I can.

- Okay.

- Well...

I should probably get to Henry's house

for Piper's fitting.

- Is Patina gonna be there?

- Yeah. - Can I come?

You won't even know I'm there.

I'll be totally quiet. Watch.

Mmmmmm.

- If it's cool with Henry.

- Yeah! - Sure.

- I'm going to go eat my Fuhjeeta in the shower.

- See ya later.

- Bye. - Bye.

Okay...

I got this. I got this.

I can do a backflip.

Okay.

Aghhhhh, gah dangit!

Ahhhh...

- Hey I forgot my backpack--

Did you just try to do a backflip?

- No. No. I was just-- I was just on the floor

to get closer to these yummy floor-jitas.

So good. So good.

- Okay... - Yeah.

- Good, 'cuz that would have been embarrassing.

- I know, right...

- Yea, would have lost all respect for you.

- No, that's not what happened.

- Alright. Okay. Alright, yea.

- We're good. We're--Bye!

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick.

- Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles...

and fight crime. Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

[ music ]

- Don't sit there.

- It's my house too, Piper.

I sits where I wants.

Eeep!

- I just meant, because that's where

all the extra cactus needles are.

- I feel that now.

- Also, I'm gonna need those needles back.

- Sure thing.

- Jasper, what are you spraying?

- Air freshener. Cashmere plum.

I want it to smell nice for Patina.

- Who cares how it smells?

Patina's allergic to unfiltered air,

so she won't even be here in person.

- Yeah, she's just gonna be

on that video monitor her nurse pushes around.

- Well what if she asks her nurse

what the room smells like? Hmm?

What then? What then?

- Okay, I think you're getting a little crazy now.

- You're right, you're right.

Alright. I just...

I just need to chill out.

[ doorbell rings ]

She's here! Everyone shut up!

Wait--when I open the door,

everybody laugh like I just said

something really funny, okay?

All right, and... Funny, funny!

- Ahahahaha - Heh, heh...

- Ahahahahaaaaa... Oh hey Patina!

- Hi Jasper.

- Come on in. Come on in.

- Ha ha ha! - Ahahahaah.

- Jasper, you are so funny.

- I love this house.

- Thanks. - Okay.

- Morgan, what does the room smell like?

- It smells like cashmere. And plum.

It's delightful.

- Does this place have a basement?

- Huh? Uh, yeahhh, we--

- Ah. I'll find it.

- You look gorgeous!

- Thank you.

- She was talking to me.

- Hey, is this how

you said you wanted the sash to hang?

- Yes. You nailed it!

Ugh, Piper...

I wish I could see you in that dress

at Cactus Con in person.

- Well well well, then do it!

Then come with me, I'll be your date.

- [ coughing ] Slow down. A bit bold.

- Jasper, I would love to go to Cactus Con with you.

- Keep going. It's working.

- But I can't.

- Ooof...

Dude, you just got curved, hard.

- No! No no no... I didn't mean to curve you.

I just meant I'd go

if I could leave my house,

but I can't.

- Well... what if you could?

- I don't see how that's possible.

I'm allergic to air.

- Mmmmmmmmm....

- Kid Danger!

- What? - Oh god.

- What about Kid Danger?

- He owes me a favor.

- He does?

- Yeah, does he Jasper? I don't--

- Yea, he does.

And he could... he could protect you!

- From allergies?

- No!

I mean...yes.

But I just mean that,

Kid Danger's got all kinds of cool gadgets and stuff.

Right right right right right Henry?!

- How would I know that?

- Uh...

because you're such a big Kid Danger fan.

- Yea, whatever! If I could guarantee

that Kid Danger will keep you safe

will you come to Cactus Con with me?

- "Guarantee" is a strong word...

- Jasper that would be amazing!

But would Kid Danger really do that?

- Of course! - Well...

- He loves me.

- "Love" is a strong word...

- He'll do it!

- Jasper thank you so much!

- Awe, this is just-- this is great.

Great fun for everybody. Hey Jasper,

can I talk to you outside on the porch please?

- Sure! - Cool.

- Mom! I'm going to Cactus Con!

I'm finally gonna get to leave the house!

- You can't go outside!

You're allergic to air!

- Kid Danger is gonna protect me!

- Be home by nine!

- Dude?!

- Brooo. - Dude!

- Bro. - Dude.

- Broooo? - Dude.

- Bro. Bro. Bro. - Dude. Dude. Dude.

- You guys!

Use your words.

- Charlotte, will you please tell Jasper

that he can't volunteer Kid Danger for his personal life.

- Will you please tell Henry that I'm in love!

- Will you please tell Jasper

that we don't have anything in the Man Cave

that can help Patina. - We actually might

have something in the Man Cave that can help Patina.

- Jasper, will you please ask Charlotte

what she's talking about?

[ watch beeps ] Bro.

- Don't bro me.

- Waaaasuuupppp?!

- Wasssuppppp?! - Wasssuuuuuuupppp?!

- C'mon, do it. Do it, do it.

- Waaasssuupppp?!

- You'll get it.

- Hey do we have a three ply, airtight,

hypo-allergenic bubble suit somewhere in the Man Cave?

- What size? - Small.

- Oh yeah we got that.

- Well that was easy.

- So you'll do it?

- Fine.

- Brooooo!

- Dude.

- Hey, you guys wanna see something funny?

- Of course. - Yeah.

- Ray is still trying to do a back-flip.

- Ow!

- He can't do it. - Ha ha! Look at him.

- He can't do a backflip.

- Don't look at me! - He can't do it.

[ music ]

- Hear me, hear me!

- As your cactus queen,

I declare the Swellview Cactus Convention...

open!!

- You have to tap your staff on the ground...

my queen.

- Open!

- You just... it's just a backflip, you know?

You just do it. You just flip. Backwards.

- Yes, but how?

- It's like trying to explain to somebody

how to walk. You know what I mean?

Just right foot, left foot, repeat.

- Backflipping is not the same as walking.

- Yeah, but equally as easy.

- No they are not!

- Well maybe not for you, but for most people it is--

- Uh, you guys?

- Hey what's up, Char? - What's going on?

- Maybe since you guys don't know each other,

you shouldn't be talking...

Ray and Kid Danger.

- Yea dude, she's right.

- Right, scatter. Scatter.

Ow! What the butt?

- Haha, dude, you just bumped

into the World's Most Poisonous Cactus.

- How do you know that?

- 'Cuz there's a sign that says it right there...

"World's Most Poisonous Cactus.

Don't bump into it."

- Oh. Well, someone should be guarding this thing.

- Hey hey hey, be careful with that.

That there's the world's most poisonous cactus.

There's only one in the whole world.

And we got it!

- So, don't you think you should be guarding it?

- I was on an ice cream break.

- Didn't this place just open?

- Yup! I got the first ice-cream cone.

Oooh, balloons...

- Whoa! Careful, there.

Uh, here...

Why don't you play with this nonpoisonous cactus?

Run along now.

That's nice to see.

- Wow!

I can't believe I'm outside of my house.

Everything looks so... so real.

- Yeah.

Plus you finally got away from that weird nurse.

- I'm right here.

- Hi. Sorry.

- Don't be. I'm weird.

You think this place has a basement?

- Uhhhh... - I'm not sure.

- If it does... I'll find it.

- Hey.

You must be Patina.

Nice to meet you. For the first time ever.

- Nice to meet you.

- Dude. - Bro.

- This suit is amazing. Thank you so much.

- Mmmm, anything for this guy.

- Awe.

- So why do you owe Jasper a favor?

What did he do for you?

- Uh, yeah, Jasper.

Why do I owe you a favor?

- I dunno.

- Ohh ohh!

Ring toss on a cactus.

Will you go win me a prize?

- Okay... I'll try...

[ phone rings ]

- Hey Schwoz, what's up?

- Hold for Ray... Ray?

- Waaassssppp?! - Wassssupppp?!

- Waasssuup is that the Man Cave got hacked!

- What?! - I thought you said

the Man Cave computer was un-hackable.

- I thought it was, but someone did it

and now every computer in the Man Cave

has the same message on the screen.

- What's it say?

- It just says, "Game On"

over and over.

- "Game on?"

What does that mean?

- I don't know.

[ phones alerting ]

- You guys get this text?

- Yea. "Hello Swellview..."

- "I will pay one million dollars..."

- "...to whomever can bring me..."

- "...the World's Most Poisonous Cactus."

- "Sincerely, RT."

- Who's RT?

- Randy Tinklemuffin?

- Who?

- Nah, it can't be Randy Tinklemuffin.

He's in jail.

Don't even know why I thought of that.

- Wait, is that really his name?

- Yea. - What?!

- Yea. I think it's short for Randolph.

- That's crazy.

- Uh... guys? - Hmm?

- You have bigger problems.

- Uhhhh, Dude?

- Bro.

[ chattering ]

- Okay! Okay! Everybody calm down.

Everybody calm down!

- What? - Relax!

Now, I know that

you all want that million dollars,

some mystery person promised for that cactus.

[ chattering ]

- I don't like the look of that angry mob.

- Yeah there's a lot of cacti here

and if this bubble suit breaks,

I'm in real trouble.

- In hindsight,

bringing you to a cactus convention

was a terrible idea.

- But, Kid Danger's gonna protect me though, right?

- No. I am.

Owwww!

- Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!

Kid Danger's right! - Thank you.

- This cactus is worth a lot of money!

Now let's get it!

- Uh-oh!!

Daddy wants the big piece of chicken tonight!!

- Man. Sure would be nice

to have Captain Man here right about now.

- I know, right? He's the best.

- Think it through.

- Oh yea, right!

- What's everyone waiting for?

- He's got a zappy thingy!

- Yeah, but there's a lot of us

and only one of him!

- Wrong! There's two of him.

Us. Shut up.

- Come at me, bros.

[ laser blasts ]

- There's too many people here.

I can't transform without a place to hide!

- Go like this.

- What are we doing here...

Get back there. - What is gained by this?

- I'm smarter than you, go. - Ahhhhhhh. Okay.

[ bubble inflates ]

Okay, I'll go help Henry.

You take this zapper.

Now...Let me Captainman 'splain to you

how that works.

- Oh good, you know.

- Ow!

- Throw more!

Cactuses are his weakness!

- Ah, geez.

OW! OW! OWWWW!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

- AYYYYYYYYAYAYA!

- Look! There's only one of him again!

- Wrong! There's two of him.

Us. Shut up.

- Dude, that cactus is worth a million bucks.

You're standing between me and buyin' a moose.

Now come on! They can't stop all of us!

Mama wants a moose!

- Where did you get those?

- Owwww!

- Sorry!

- Eahhhh...

[ whimpering ]

- Jasper...

you were amazing.

And I'd hug you, but those needles

would puncture my suit.

- I get it.

- Here, Captain Man.

You, uh, dropped this during the fight.

- Oh, thanks, girl I don't know.

- We did it.

- Yes we did.

We saved the citizens of Swellview once again.

[ citizens groaning ]

- Victory dance!

- Hey! Yeah yeah! Do a back flip!

- What? I dunno, man!

- Don't even think about it, just do it!

- You think I can do it?! - I know you can do it!

- Yea, okay I'm flippin'! Here I go!

- Hey! He did it.

- Did you see that? - I told you.

[ air escaping ]

- Uh-oh.

- Patina! Your suit!

- Forget the suit! What about my tongue?

- Could someone take me to the hospital?

- Yea, I got you...

- Nice shot, "bro."

- Yeah, but that backflip though...

- Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow...

- Good job. - Thanks.

Hey, good work with that laser.

- Thanks, I really enjoy zapping people.

- And we saved the world's most poisonous...

...cactus is gone.

- What's it say?

- "Thanks for the cactus.

Game On."

- Oohhhhh! Oh no!

This is bad. This is very very bad.