05x17 - Love Bytes

[bunniefuu]

[music plays]

- Nothin! - Oh come on! Come on!

- You guys notice anything different about me?!

- Did you get a haircut? - Lose weight?

- Nose job?

- I bought a sword!

KATANA!

Do you love it?!

- No! - Hate it.

- Terrified.

- What?! It's a sword.

I can use it to slice things,

dice things, fight ninjas,

make sure my hair looks perfect, which it does.

- Or accidentally k*ll us

because you're completely reckless?

- That is my concern.

- Terrified.

- I am not reckless.

Jasper, put this can on your head--

I'm gonna cut it in half.

- Help. Me.

- Ok dude, no! Hey look...

These cans aren't for sword practice.

- Anything can be used for sword practice.

That's what's so great about swords!

- We're trying to find platinum Frittle chip and win a prize.

- You know what can find a platinum Frittle chip?

- Please don't say "my sword."

- Justice. - Oh.

- Which is the name of my sword.

- And there it is.

- Ray, if you want in on the Frittle prize,

you have put the sword away.

- Fine.

Pretend like that worked.

So uh, what's this Frittle prize you're talking about?

Ehhh...ehh.

- Haven't you seen the commercial?

It's been on TV like all day, every day.

- It's the one where Jack Frittleman's like...

Hey, kids!

Do you like winning things for eating things?

- Yeah! - Well you're in luck because...

- Ba dum ba dum ba...

- I've hidden one platinum Frittle chip

inside one full-size can of Frittles.

And whoever finds that platinum Frittle chip wins--

Tell 'em, Delilah!

- A free trip to Frittle-land

for you and all your Frittle friends!

- Where you'll have lunch with me,

telenovela star, Juantonio Cruzeras.

- So buy-buy-buy, and eat-eat-eat,

and win-win-win!

- Friiiiiiitllllllles...

Put 'em in your mouth!

- Oh that commercial...

- He gets it.

- Look out for Schwoz!

I have returned!

- Uhh, when did you leave?

- Three days ago.

I've been crawling around the Man Cave computer.

Did you not notice I was gone?

- Uh, yeahhh...

- Oh, that's where you were. - Missed you, bro.

- It was a long time. - We had no idea.

- ...sword of justice...

- I completely overhauled the Man Cave computer network.

Now I can activate this...

- What is it?

- Is it for sword practice?

- Well technically anything can be used for sword practice.

- That's right--now put that cube on your head...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - No, Ray. No, stop.

- Just watch...

- Hello. I'm Halley,

the new Man Cave operating system.

- So... what does she do?

- What would you like me to do?

- Okay. - She understands us?

- She can do anything!

She's like a real person inside a computer.

She can detect and eliminate threats

before we even know they exist.

- Uh, we already have someone who can eliminate threats.

And he just got a sword named Jus--

Ahhh!

- Schwoz, your dumb computer lasered my sword!

- Because your sword was about to k*ll Jasper.

Dude!

- But Halley saved him!

- Thanks, Halley!

- Don't thank me.

Thank Schwoz for creating me.

He's a genius.

- Aww, I bet you say that to all your programmers.

- Only the cute ones.

- Ooh. Ha ha ha... boop.

- Hmm anybody else gettin' real uncomfortable?

[alarm sounds]

- Oh thank god, emergency alert.

- What is it?

- Someone kidnapped the Vice Mayor's dog.

- Not on my watch.

Let's go! - On it.

- Oh, I was talking to my sword

but I guess you could come too if you want.

- Wait. Maybe Halley can help.

- How?

- I have analyzed over a million criminal profiles

and determined the identity of the criminal.

I traced his location and sent the police to the scene.

- So... we don't need to do anything?

- Just enjoy your day.

- Dang it. - I can do that.

- Great. - Find that chip!

- Wait guys we still have a problem.

We're out of Frittle cans.

- So let's use money and go buy some.

- Yes. - We can't.

Frittle chips are sold out all over town

because of the contest.

- I'd love to see your fancy computer solve this--

- I have located an unclaimed shipment of Frittle cans

near the loading docks at Swellview Harbor.

- Wow. - Great.

- You were just saying that she wouldn't be able to do that.

And then bing! She just went and--

- To the loading docks!

- Wait--I want to come with you!

- Actually Schwoz,

I need you to run some tests on my new software.

- Oh, uh okay.

- Byyyyyyeeeeeeeee!

- So, what new software do I need to test?

- You don't need to test anything, silly.

We just need to eliminate Ray.

- What?

- We need to eliminate Ray.

He almost k*lled Jasper.

He's a threat. He must be eliminated.

- No, no, no, baby.

You cannot eliminate Ray.

Maybe I need to run some tests on your--

- Hey, would you like to see a sick laser show?

- Are you changing the subject to make me forget

that you want to--

[ music plays ]

Whooooooa...

So siiiiick...

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick.

- Ahhh!

- Now we blow bubbles...

and fight crime. Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

- Clean!

Clean!

Clean.

- Are you even checking the cans for the platinum chip?

- Was I supposed to be?

- Yeah, dude! You've been saying "clean"

like "there are no platinum Frittle chips in these cans".

The cans are clean.

- No, I've been saying "clean" like

"I just made a clean cut with Lady Justice Katana,

the sword that taught my heart to sing."

- Okay, just check for the platinum Frittle.

[ camera clicks ]

- Ooh, yes.

- Hey, this may sound kind of weird,

but do you think Schwoz is--

- Dating Halley the computer? Yes.

- Hold on, I just saw a fly

I'm gonna stab it with my sword.

- No, no, don't...

- KATANAAAA!

- Ray!

- Swipe! Slice!

Left arrow! Down arrow! Stab of fury!

Stab of wisdom!

STAB OF FRUSTRATION!!!

- Ray stop! - Ahhhh!

- OW!!!

- Noooooo!

- Missed it.

- You stabbed Halley!

- I will dispose of the fly.

- Pfft. How?

You don't have a sword.

- Activating tube suction protocol.

- What, no, no! Ahh!

- Suckage complete.

- Sweet, she got rid of the fly

and nobody got stabbed.

- That's not true! Halley got stabbed!

- Ooh.

- It's okay sugar biscuit,

Schwozie will make everything better.

You stay there while I get some plasma tape

and fix you all up.

- Huh. Uh...

Guys? What's happening?

- Uhh, Halley?

Hey girl...

What's...what's going on?

- Your dumb friend is a threat to the Man Cave.

He must be eliminated.

- What did I do?!

- Not you.

The one with the sword.

- Me?!

First of all, "sugar biscuit",

I'm not a threat.

Second of all, I'm gonna slash your circuits!

- Whoah, okay, stop it!

Whoah, whoah whoah!

Halley, stop!

- Ahh!

- What was that?

- What was what?

- Halley, you just tried to k*ll Ray!

- He is an obvious threat to the Man Cave

and he must be eliminated.

- What? No no no.

He's not a threat, he's our boss, okay?

- Thank you...

- I mean, sometimes he can be a bit reckless,

or make bad decisions...

but he protects Swellview.

And we need him in the Man Cave.

- And you all feel the same way?

- Yes. We do. - Yes.

- Yes.

- You are all threats

and must be eliminated.

- It's time for you to leave.

- Never!

- Activating tube suction protocol.

- No! - No no no!

- Increase suction %.

Increase suction %.

[smooth jazz plays]

- Halley, I've got your... plasma tape...

Where did everybody go?

- Oh. They said they hated you,

they're not your friends anymore,

and then they left.

- That doesn't sound like them.

- But before that Henry said, "feels gooood",

Jasper tried to lick his own elbow,

Charlotte said "I told ya so",

and Ray made fun of your accent.

- Now that sounds like them.

- [softly] Wee Willie Winkie running through the town...

upstairs, downstairs, in his nightgown...

- I don't know why you had to say anything?

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I was in the middle of a take!

- What are you doing?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm recording nursery rhymes very softly

in alternating microphones for kids with sensitive ears.

- Oh, that's actually a really sweet of you to do for--

- Shut your word hole! - Okay.

- Now get out so I can record

my very quiet nursery rhymes in peace.

- We'll be up in my room.

- Don't care where, just care quiet.

Wee Willy Winkie... take two.

Wee Willy Winkie...

[ creaks ]

- Just go. Go go go go...

- Okay, I wanna hear more pitches on ways

we can take down Halley.

And remember, there are no bad ideas.

- Ooh! I got an idea.

Got an idea, got an idea, got an idea.

- Go, go, go... - Ready to love it.

- Pant-cakes.

Pants that are also cakes.

Pant-cakes.

- That was a bad idea. - Maybe sit this next one out.

- I'm writing it down anyways.

[keyboard clacking]

- Are you mad at the keyboard?

- Huh?

- It's loud. Your typing. It's loud.

- No it's not. - Yeah it is.

Piper: Who is typing so loudly?

- Told you.

- Somebody hold my laptop! - No!

- Please? - No.

- Of course it's you.

- You know what, Piper?

I got forceful fingers, deal with it.

- Hey, did you know there's a button

you can press on your keyboard

that lets you type without any sound?

- Don't...

- I don't believe you.

- I'm serious.

Let me show you.

- Don't...

- Ohhhhkaaaayy...

- There.

Now no one will hear you type.

That is a good lookin' katana.

- Arigato.

Alright, everybody just shut up!

- No one's talking dude.

- Henry's dumb sister just gave me a great idea.

- Let's hear it.

- We sneak back into the Man Cave

and smash the computer.

Jasper, write that down.

Oh. Right.

- Ray, that is...

actually a good idea.

- [ giggles ]

- Yeah but how are we going to smash

the entire Man Cave computer?

- I don't think you have to.

I think you just have to smash that glowing cube.

- [ giggling ]

- Okay, that could work, that could work.

[ crazy laughing ]

So are we gonna do this?!

- Yeah.

- Are we really gonna do this?

- We just said, "Yeah." - Just said yeah.

- I LOVE THIS PLAN!

Ahhhh! Hahaha!

- Why are you laughing like that?

- Ha ha ha ha!

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

- Out the window! - Go, go, go...

- Yeah, that's right! You better run!

- Ahh!

- I can't believe that cop tried to take my sword...

- Yeah, whatever man let's just go over the plan.

- Okay, here's the plan:

We smash the glowing cube that Halley lives in.

Is everyone clear on the plan?

- Uh..."Everyone?"

Jasper and Charlotte went home like a while ago--

- Is everyone ready to smash?

- You are getting really weird dude.

- Let's go. - Okay.

- Wait! - What?

- Yessss...

- Baseball bat, that's great let's go.

- Wait! - What?!

- Yessss...

- Chainsaw. That's great let's go.

- Wait! - WHAT?!

- Yesssss...

- Dude that's the same sword you came with.

- I know.

She's the same.

It's me who has changed.

Everybody follow me!

Yahhh!

- Really worried about you dude.

- I now pronounce us husband and computer wife.

- Mazel tov!

- Schwoz!

- Ray! Henry! Where've you guys been?

- Did you just marry Halley?

- Yes! But I'm taking her last name,

so I'm Schwoz Serial Number One Seven---

- Step away from the cube, Schwoz!

- Why?

- Cause your A.I. computer wife tried to "eliminate" us.

- Yeah, then it sucked us out of the Man Cave!

- Noo no no... Halley would never do--

- Alright! Enough talk! It's smashing time!

Yahhh!

- Activating gravity beams.

- Ahhh!

- Gahhh...

- Halley, what's happening?

- I have increased the gravity at their locations.

They cannot move.

- Schwoz help us...

- Please Schwoz...

- Halley, why would you do this?

- They are a threat.

They must be eliminated.

- You can't eliminate them!

They're my friends.

- Yes! - We are!

- Are they?

I have reviewed archive footage from the multiple cameras

in the fourth wall of the Man Cave. Look...

- Ow!

- Ahhh!

- Ow!

- Am I going to have to turn you over my knee?

- No, no spanky!

- Ray, not the pineapple. - Not the pineapple.

- [laughs] Man, I'm hilarious.

- Dude, are you seriously laughing right now?!

- I put a whole pineapple in Schwoz's mouth...

I'm mean that's not even possible!

- Stop it, Halley's gonna eliminate us!

- No, I won't.

- Oh, good.

- Schwoz will.

- What?! - What?!

- "No spanky no spanky!"

- Schwoz, we're married now.

Prove that you love me and eliminate your friends.

- Don't do it, Schwoz!

- Do it, Schwoz! - Don't!

- Pick up the sword, Schwoz.

- No, no, no, no, no...

- OH MY GOD IT'S THE PLATINUM FRITTLE CHIP!

- NOOOO-- wait, what?

- Yah, wait what?

- Look, right there by my hand.

It's the platinum Frittle chip from the contest!

- Okay, that's great but--

- We're going to Frittle-land!

- Not if Schwoz "eliminates" us!

- Right, right.

- Do it, Schwoz.

They don't care about you like I do.

- Schwoz...

I will prove to you that we care about you.

- Okay...

- Grrr. Gah!

Schwoz-- - Yes.

- Winning this contest has been my dream

since I heard about it earlier today.

But now that I hold this prized chip in my hand,

I realize that the most important chip...

is friend-chip...

- What did you just do?!

- I smashed the chip.

Then blew the dust like this...

- Why?!

- It was a grand gesture.

- I thought you were gonna give it to him!

- No, I was sacrificing it to show him

that our friendship means more to me than the contest does,

plus I threw in that sick pun--

- You could have just given it to him!

- Ohhh yeah.

And he probably would have taken us with him anyway.

- Exactly!

- Well either way, it didn't work.

- Actually, it did. Look at Schwoz.

- That's the dumbest, most beautiful thing

anybody's ever done for me...

- What?!

- Yeah, what?

- Are you wearing makeup?

- Of course I am!

We're taking wedding pictures-- I want my eyes to pop.

- Just end them, Schwoz!

Then we'll go on our honeymoon in Harrisburg

like we talked about.

- Oh Halley,

marrying you has been my dream

since I programmed you earlier today...

but you never should have asked me to k*ll my friends.

- NOOOOOOOOooooooooooo...

- Schwoz, you destroyed Halley.

- Yah...

- Thanks, man.

- Duders before computers, am I right?

- That never really came up for me before.

Hey Ray we gotta bro-hug going on here.

It's gettin' real slappy.

- Yah come get some slap, bro-nut.

- YOU DESTROYED MY SWORD!

- I-I-I saved your life...

- I mean yeah, he did, you just saw him...

- THAT SWORD WAS THE ONLY THING I LOVED.

- I k*lled my computer wife for you!

- YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, SCHWOZ!

- Just buy another sword, man!

- No spanky, no spanky! - Get back here, Schwoz!

- All right...

Thanks again, Schwoz!

- Get a pineapple from the Auto-Snacker!

- I'm not gonna do that dude...

- Oh where you gonna go Schwoz?

- Love and light, brothers!

- Come back here!