02x20 - Sports stadiums

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[audience cheering]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight!"

Thank you so much
for joining us.
I'm John Oliver.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin
with Iran,

not just the setting for 2013
Best Picture winner "Argo,"

also a country.

Now, as of this morning,

it seems Iran may be
tantalizingly close

to a historic nuclear deal.

This could be a country
on the brink of change.

A high-ranking
Iranian official telling us,
just a short time ago,

she is quite optimistic
that a deal will come

in the next 24 hours.

Well, let's hope that is true.

Because these discussions
have been going on

for a year and a half.

They're almost
tantric negotiations.

Except in this case,
we're all really hoping

that there is not
a massive expl*si*n
at the end of it.

If this deal is successful,

we will have come a long way
from earlier this week

when it seemed tensions
between John Kerry

and Iran negotiator
Mohammed Javad Zarif

might sink the whole thing.

Reporter:
Kerry and, um, Zarif

were yelling at each other
so loudly

that they could be heard
outside of the room.

Now, that sounds bad.
Yes, that sounds bad.

Although,
it is actually preferable
to hearing the sound

of the two of them making up.

Ugh! Ugh!

Just low moans
and the sound of what I hope

is someone scooping out
a cantaloupe.

And the thing is,
it wasn't just Kerry.

The EU's Federica Mogherini
supposedly

also got involved
in a heated dispute
with Zarif,

resulting in him shouting,
"never thr*aten an Iranian."

Although, she had
a very good explanation.

You wouldn't expect
an Iranian and an Italian

negotiating in a cold way.

That is, I would say,
part of our culture.

Of course it is.

We all know the three
most famous stereotypes
of Italian culture

are that they have
close family relationships,

they turn
international negotiations
into shouting matches,

and they enjoy
cooking pasta for dogs.

You know-- Italians.

So let's--
let's move on.

Let's move on to Greece--
the most recent Greek tragedy.

And also--
also the subject

of the other
major negotiation

taking place
in Europe this week.

Greece desperately needs
another bailout.

And if they can't reach
a deal with the Eurozone,

they may be forced to abandon
the euro altogether.

Or to put it another way...

A so-called Grexit,

a Greek exit
from the Eurozone.

To Grexit
or not to Grexit.

I love saying the word
"Grexit," though.

That just drives me crazy.

Yeah.

Greece might Grexit,
which is a pretty glib way

to describe something
potentially catastrophic

that could devastate
millions of lives.

A cutesy name doesn't make
a crisis less awful.

When a doctor tells you
you have a**l warts,

it doesn't help if he describes
them as booty bumps.

Ah!

The main obstacle to a deal

seems to be trust,
at this point.

And the tone of some
of the EU leaders

has frankly not helped.

Watch the former
Belgian leader address
the Greek prime minister

just earlier this week.

You are talking
about reforms,

but we never see
concrete proposals of reforms!

You have to downsize
the public sector.

I know, it's difficult,
maybe, for the leftists,

but it has to be done!

Wow.
[audience laughs]

That might be
the most insulting thing

I've ever seen an outsider
do to the Greek people,

and I'm including
this scene from "Mamma Mia!"

All:
♪ Don't go wasting

♪ Your emotion!
[audience laughs, applauds]

Please, someone call the UN.

We have a musical genocide
on our hands.

And look, neither side
is blameless in this dispute.

Greece is in this mess
because it spent money

like a rapper whose accountant
is Nicolas Cage.

And... And as for the EU,
their so-called fix

helped melt down
the Greek economy.

They're like a doctor
trying to cure a patient

through a steady regime
of Jager sh*ts and yelling.

So, as of right now,

right now, it is unclear
whether a deal is likely.

But if it happens,

Greece can take some
consolation from the fact

that their new finance minister
Euclid Tsakalotos,

would presumably
be signing the agreement.

And in perhaps
the only act of rebellion
left open to them,

this is his actual signature.

And I'm pretty sure

that's the only reason
he got the job.

"Look, it's pretty clear
we're not going to get

"anything we want
from these negotiations.

Whose signature
looks the most like a d*ck?"

[laughter, applause]
And finally tonight,

finally tonight,

the Confederate battle flag,

also known as
the Lynyrd Skynyrd comforter.

On Friday, South Carolina
got everyone's attention.

We begin
with breaking news.

For the first time
in 54 years,

the Confederate battle flag

no longer flies
on the Statehouse grounds

in the state
of South Carolina.

[crowd cheering]

Crowd chanting:
USA! USA!

USA! USA!

That's-- that's great.
[audience cheering]

That's great.
Although-- that-- yes.

Yes,
that is objectively great.

Although, maybe, though,
a little easy

on the "USA" chants,
because it's a good moment,

but I don't know
if it's a proud moment.

It should be the same feeling
as a 54-year-old

finally losing his virginity.

"Yes, I did it!

"Although, well,
that probably should have
happened a lot sooner.

A lot sooner."

And-- and also, before anyone
gets carried away,

there are still plenty
of r*cist symbols

on display in
government-run institutions,

from the state flag
of Mississippi

to Vestavia Hills, Alabama,
where they're currently
considering

changing
one high school's mascot.

Reporter:
The Rebel Man logo
is a caricature

of an Old South
plantation owner.

At Vestavia High
sporting events,

a student dresses up
as Rebel Man

the Civil w*r soldier
and fires up the crowd.

There's nothing r*cist
about it.

A Confederate flag
with its direct ties
to racism--

taking that down
is drawing the line.

But when you're starting
to bicker

over a caricature,

you're not
drawing lines anymore,
you're splitting hairs.

Okay, here's--
here's the problem with that.

And, you know,
not to split hairs,

but your logo
is a plantation owner.

And saying that the image
of a plantation owner

is not used
in a r*cist way

is a bit like arguing
the Hitachi Magic Wand

is only used
as a back massager.

Oh, sure, maybe you
only use it that way,

but a lot of other people
use it very differently.

Listen, I'm gonna--
I want to try

to give them
the benefit of the doubt here

and assume
that the only thing
holding them back

from replacing
their mascot is the need
for a new costume.

And that would make sense.
Costumes are expensive.

But here's where we may
be able to help you.

We've made a lot
of mascots on this show.

You may remember.
We made a space sex gecko,

a polar bear
with a broken penis,

an Illuminati pyramid,

and any number
of other ridiculous costumes.

They're really good costumes.

And tragically,
most of them are in storage
right now.

Our office looks like
a wealthy furry's basement.

And you need to help us.

So listen,
Vestavia Hills,

if you get rid
of your objectively
r*cist logo and mascot,

you can have
any of these you want.

In fact, this offer
is open to all high schools

with pointlessly offensive
mascots or team names.

I'm talking to you,
the Freeburg Community
High School Midgets.

What the f*ck
were you thinking with that?

And for the record,
this offer is also
absolutely open

to the Washington Redskins
as well.

Get in touch.
[audience cheering]

But do it quick.
Supplies are limited.

And act fast.

You do not want
to get stuck

with creepy baby
with Hulk hands in a tutu.

And now this.

Narrator:
And now,

Whoopi Goldberg defends
ten surprising things.

He has not been proven
a r*pist!

I don't believe
it was r*pe-r*pe.

If you hit somebody,
you cannot be sure

you are not going
to get hit back.

Nobody knows what happened,
so all you haters out there,

just find something else
to hate till you get
all the facts.

There are countries
that have done it,

and it's reaped
quite good benefits for them.

I know this is
really wrong to say.

Woman: But?

No, it's not--
it's nobody's fault.

They love pizza.
I love pizza.
Me too!

There are a couple questions
that I do have

from time to time.
Who shot the footage?

I know Mel
and I know he's not a r*cist.

Oh, really?
Yeah, I do.

And finally,
her own career goals.

I want to become
an ambassador to a country.

And-- yeah, you wouldn't
mind me being the ambassador,
would you?

Moving on,
our main story tonight--

our main story tonight
concerns sports,

the thing you weren't
quite good enough at

for your dad to love you.

I-- I absolutely love sports.

In fact, the only times
I've cried as a grown man

have been while watching
actors playing coaches

deliver inspirational speeches
set to stirring music.

This game is not over.
[stirring music playing]

This battle is not over.

Listen up,
this is our time now!

The second half is our time!

Because we know
when we add up

all those inches,

that's gonna make
the f*ckin' difference

between winning and losing!
All: Yeah!

Clear eyes, full hearts.
All: Can't lose!

Let's go play some football!
Let's go, baby!

Yes!

Yes!

I'll do anything
that man says.

We are all lucky
that Kyle Chandler

is not a Scientologist,
or I would be broke

and married
to Mimi Rogers right now.

That's a fact.
That's a true fact.

But, look, tonight
we're not going to talk

about the players
on the field.

We're going to talk
about the fields themselves.

Stadiums,
America has a lot of them,

and they are
increasingly fantastic.

Reporter:
At the home
of the Dallas Cowboys,

here's what you also get--
real art,

by world-renowned artists.

The party suite
is all about

watching the game
or concert in style.

Man:
You can do bottle service.

You can set up, come in,
before the game.

You know, you get
the snakeskin,

you know, add the gold "H,"
so everybody knows
where you're sitting.

Reporter #2:
There are 14 party cabanas

and two pools
watched by lifeguards

that look down
on the field.

Just look
toward the end zone.

Yup.
Those swimming pools

are inside the stadium.

That's right.

You can now watch a game

from a swimming pool
suspended above the field,

where the real contest
for the fans

is finding out whether or not
HPV can swim.

Hey, my money's on HPV.
That's a clutch STD.

That's clutch!

Most new stadiums
nowadays

look like they were designed
by a coked-up Willy Wonka.

And-- and if
you don't believe me,

just look at what
the Miami Marlins have
in their new ballpark.

Reporter:
That's a fish t*nk
around the whole park.

That is awesome.

Yes. The Marlins
have actual aquariums
behind home plate.

Which is indeed awesome,
because you get
to watch baseball

while at the same time,
watching fish develop
panic disorders.

And look,
all those new features

are clearly incredible.

The problem is,
they're also expensive,

and the vast majority
of stadiums

are built
using public money.

One analysis found that
between 2000 and 2010,

we spent $12 billion

building new facilities
for professional teams,

which begs the question,
why?

Sports teams
are successful businesses

with wealthy owners,
and yet they still
get our help.

Two years ago,
Detroit got approval

to spend
more than $280 million
in taxpayer money

on a new arena project
for the Red Wings

just six days
after the city filed
for bankruptcy,

even though
the Red Wings' owner
is Mike Ilitch,

the founder
the Little Caesars
pizza chain,

who is worth
an estimated $5.1 billion.

That's a little hard
to swallow.

I mean, sure,
not as hard to swallow

as a Little Caesars
Crazy Bread

with an assortment
of Caesar Dips.

But still, pretty hard.

And we don't just
help teams build stadiums.

We let them keep
virtually all the revenue

those stadiums then produce.

Just listen to the president
of the Miami Marlins

describe their
not at all unusual deal.

You get the income
from naming rights?

Yes.

You get the income
from concessions?

Yes.
You get the luxury-box income?

Yes.

Um, you get the income
from non-baseball events?

That's the whole object
of this, is to get
more revenue.

Wow. That's--
that's pretty direct.

"Hey, you think
I got into this
'cause I like sports?

"What are you?
A child?

"Who let a child
host a television show?

This is all about
the money, son. The money!"

He-- he mentioned
naming rights in there.

And it is true
for most teams,

if you sell the name
of your building,

you get to keep
the money

even when it's as stupid
as this.

The New Orleans Pelicans

are going to be playing
their home games

at the Smoothie King Center.

Yeah.

The Smoothie King Center.

And you have to feel a bit
for the Pelicans' players.

It can't be easy
to protect your home court

when it's named after
a slop of yogurt and kale

ejaculated from a blender.

But owners monetizing
every part of a stadium

is so ingrained,
it's even now a feature

in the Madden NFL
video game.

Announcer:
We're adding the ability
to run your team

as an NFL owner.

Being an owner
isn't just about
talking, though.

It's about taking action.

Set prices
on concessions,
merchandise and tickets.

Upgrade your stadium.

Improve everything
from the parking lot
to the locker room.

It's incredible.
The owner experience

is apparently
so realistic that if you
unlock a secret level,

you can even deal
with the aftermath of making
a r*cist comment.

That's--
that's incredible attention
to detail for gamers.

Teams--
teams are so successful

at pushing
for upgraded stadiums

that since the early '90s,
we've had a replacement rate

of over 90%.

We replace stadiums
even faster

than we replace
Spider-Men.

And come on, what--

Tobey Maguire
and Andrew Garfield

were perfectly good
state-of-the-art Spider-Men.

Almost every single team

gets some kind
of public money.

Some, like the Yankees,

might build the stadium
themselves,

but on lands that they're given
rent and property-tax free,

costing New York City
hundreds of millions

in lost revenues.

But many others
get their stadiums funded

through tax-exempt
municipal bonds.

Which, yes,
sound like the last words
an accountant says

before his blind date
falls asleep

at the dinner table.

But-- but they're actually
incredibly important.

So let me quickly
try to explain.

Municipal bonds
are a way for the city

to take out a loan,
which they then later repay
with interest,

although, usually through
new or existing taxes.

They're supposed to be
for things like roads
or schools--

public goods
that private industry
would not pay for.

But they've been
routinely misused

to finance stadiums
for decades.

And often cities do it
because teams claim

they can't afford
to build stadiums themselves.

The Marlins got nearly
$500 million

toward their
fish-traumatizing theme park

by pleading poverty.

Although,
when Miami-Dade County
tried to verify that,

something strange happened.

Bryant Gumbel:
Among the questions
they asked,

was, "Can we see
your books?"

You said no.
Right.

Why didn't you
just open the books?

Why isn't that easier?
Because--

Because in Major League
Baseball history,

books are just kept private.
That's just how it is.

Sure.

But if the argument,
"In Major League Baseball
history,

that's just how it is"
always won,

we'd still have
an all-white league
of players

gambling on games,
smoking cigarettes
at the plate,

and dying of syphilis.

But then leaked documents
later revealed

that despite denying
they made a profit,

the Marlins had generated
nearly $50 million

over the previous two years.

And listen,
pretending you're poor
is wrong.

It wasn't okay
when Mary-Kate Olsen

went through her hobo phase.

And it's not okay now.

And we haven't even mentioned
the ultimate bargaining chip

that teams like to use--
threatening to leave.

Right now,
the Oakland Raiders,
the St. Louis Rams,

and the San Diego Chargers

are all threatening
to move to Los Angeles

unless they get new stadiums.

In fact,
over the past two decades,

nearly half the NFL
has been subject

to speculation
about a move to LA.

It's such a cliché

that in the current
Madden video game,

if you want
a new stadium,
a good way to do that

is to relocate the team.
And the game even tells you

the easiest choice
financially

is, guess where?
Los Angeles.

And if you're
a Chargers fan,

that must be
pretty infuriating.

"Oh, come on!
Even my make-believe
escapist entertainment

is trying to move
my f*cking team to LA!"

In fact, Chargers fans
are currently so terrified

their team might leave,
not only are they campaigning

to spend public money
on a stadium,

they're doing it
in one of the worst rap songs
of all time.

Man:
♪ Die-hard fans
almost went on a rampage ♪

♪ I tell no lies,
I hope you understand ♪

♪ Why got the best weather,
the best fans ♪

♪ That other teams
are hatin' on them ♪

♪ They deserve
a brand-new stadium ♪

♪ San Diego,
the finest city ♪

♪ San Diego,
the second-largest city ♪

♪ Save our Bolts,
save our committee ♪

♪ San Diego makin' money,
so put it back in our city ♪

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Wait, go back.

Did he say
"second-largest city"?

That is a strange boast
for a rap song.

"Yo, I got
the second-hottest car

"'cause I'm
the second-most paid.

"When I go to the club,
I get the second-most laid.

"Second most!
Second most!

"I'm up there.
I'm number two, yo!

Number two!"

And-- and teams
are shameless

in manipulating
cities' fears.

In 1997,
the Minnesota Twins

even ran an ad
showing a player

visiting a child
in a hospital with cancer
and the tagline...

Which is less like
the Make-A-Wish Foundation

and more like
the Make-A-Threat Foundation.

But teams
don't just use threats
to get what they want.

They also promise
that new stadiums
can work economic magic.

The Milwaukee Bucks,
who are also currently
threatening to leave

if they don't get
a new arena,

are running this ad now.

Announcer:
The ripple effect
starts here.

This is Wisconsin's home.

From the court
to concerts,

transforming
a community

with new development,
jobs, growth,

and opportunity.

The ripple effect
of a new era begins today.

It spreads across
the riverfront,

up through Bronzeville,

and across the great state
of Wisconsin.

Settle down,
Milwaukee Bucks.

For a start,
I don't think Wisconsin
will be transformed

by one new arena.

And also, if you
really are looking
to make a tangible change,

how about coming up
with a better slogan
than "Fear the Deer"?

Deers aren't scary.

They're timid forest ponies
with sticks on their heads.

I fear no deer.

The truth is,
stadiums very rarely

revitalize
their surrounding areas

or create large numbers
of permanent jobs.

Just listen
to one bar owner

near that
new Marlins ballpark.

Reporter:
He says since the stadium
opened in 2012,

not only
have his profits not risen,

on game days
his regulars stay away,
afraid of the traffic.

Translator:
Here as a business owner,
we don't see any changes.

You could even say
it's hurting us.

Of course it is.

Because no one has ever said,
"Hey, let's go hang out

in the area
around the stadium."

And I'll tell you why.
I've got a new shirt

and I really want someone
to vomit Miller Lite
and nachos all over it.

In fact, a major review
of almost 20 years of studies

showed economists could find
no substantial evidence

that stadiums
had increased jobs,

incomes,
or tax revenues.

Or, to put that
another way...

Dave Zirin:
This one economist
said to me--

I love this line.
He said,

"You're-- rather than spend
a billion dollars on a stadium,

you're actually better off
flying a plane over a city,

and dumping a billion dollars
on the populace

and just letting them
pick up the money
and spend it."

Sure. Look, yeah.
[audience applauding]

That's all--
To be fair-- to be fair,

that is not a great idea
for the economy.

But it is
a fantastic idea

for a new reality show.

"Tune in this Sunday

"for Ryan Seacrest's
'Billion-Dollar Dump!'

Only on NBC!"

And it gets
one step worse.

Because when you use
public money to pay for
an expensive stadium,

you might find yourself
unable to afford something
you badly need.

Hamilton County in Ohio
was estimated to spend
$50 million last year

on debts and other costs
for the Bengals'

and the Reds' stadiums,

even though
since building them,

they've had to sell
a public hospital,

cut 1700 jobs,
and delay payments
for schools

because of budget gaps.

And it might not
even end there.

Because there's a clause
in the contract

that states
if 14 other NFL stadiums
have something,

then taxpayers
must buy the Bengals
that thing.

And here is how comprehensive
that clause is.

Taxpayers are also
on the hook

for all kinds
of future bells and whistles,

some that haven't even
been invented yet.

At some point,
taxpayers have also
agreed to pay

for a holograph
replay machine... someday.

It's true.

The Bengals have a deal
whereby if someone invents

holographic instant replay
in the future,

the county
has to buy it for them.

And that's the kind of clause
owners put into a deal

in order to take it out
during negotiations.

Which begs the question,
what else was in there?

Look, we want a helipad,
a submarine dock,

and a monkey
named Professor Bananas

to hang out
in the locker room
during halftime,

or we're moving the team
to LA.

But teams
get these deals

because they know
politicians will capitulate

and give them
whatever they want.

Remember Milwaukee?
Well, just Monday,

just this Monday,
their mayor argued
for a new stadium deal

he admits is not perfect,

with this appeal
to civic pride.

I was in China


I was on the Great Wall
of China

and I had
a Milwaukee T-shirt on,

and on the Great Wall
of China

this guy-- Chinese guy
came up to me,

he said, "Milwaukee Bucks."

That's important to me.
It's important to all of us.

Okay.

Okay, the only possible way
that story is true

is if that Chinese man
happened to be

former Milwaukee Bucks player
Yi Jianlian.

"Hey, remember me?

"Milwaukee Bucks!
Two seasons.

"I averaged 8.6 points
a game.

Milwaukee Bucks!"

And you could
almost sympathize,

because when politicians
do try to stand up to teams,

it can cost them.

Last month,
the city council
of Glendale, Arizona,

voted to try and get out
of an awful deal
with the Coyotes,

whose hockey arena
was costing them more
than $8 million per year.

The mayor
held a public hearing

and it did not go well.

I support this team!

It's you that doesn't support
any sport in this city.

Not football,
and certainly not hockey.

What you're doing
is childish, it's pathetic,

and it's just
disrespectful.

While-- while I can see
her passion is real,

you don't get
to call someone childish

when you are the one
arguing for spending
millions of public dollars

you don't have
to keep a giant slab of ice
in Arizona.

Just days after that,
Coyotes' fans raised money

so that she could
Tase the mayor for charity.

Taser, Taser, Taser.

[firing]
[screams]

Go, go, move me out.

Okay, okay. Okay.
First of all,

do you have to say "Taser"
three times before
Tasing someone?

You're not Tasing
Beetlejuice.

And-- and second,

no one should want
a stadium so badly,

they're will to electrocute
an old man for it.

And, look, I know
sports can make people
behave irrationally.

For instance,
somewhere there is a man
with this actual tattoo

of Tim Tebow
as a centaur.

That makes no sense.

But-- but we have to come
to our senses

and stop signing these deals.

And if you're thinking,
"Well, John, there's no way.

It's just too hard."

Let me persuade you
to fight back

in the only way
that I know works--

an inspirational
halftime speech

set to music.
So you know what?
Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Please,
American sports fans,

I'm going to need you
to join me in the locker room.

'Cause it turns out,

we need to
have ourselves a talk,

an emotional,
inspiring talk.

So gather round.

And at home,
you might want
to take a knee.

[stirring music playing]

I know things
look bad out there.

These owners have been
humiliating us for decades.

And sure,
we could just give up.

We could roll over
and let them do it to us
for another 20 years.

We could do that.

Or right here,
tonight,

we could decide
to fight back. Hmm?

And I'm not saying
we shouldn't have

giant aquariums
and ballparks full
of terrified fish.

Of course we should!
This is America.

If we don't have them,
no one else will.

But we should not be using
public money to pay for them.

And, yeah,
teams might thr*aten
to leave you.

That might happen.

But I happen to believe
that your cities are more

than just the teams
who happen to play there.

St. Louis, stand up.
Stand up, St. Louis!

And look at me.

You're more
than just the Rams.

You're more than
just the Rams!

You're a proud
Midwestern metropolis.

You're home
of the St. Louis Arch.

San Diego!

You're the second-largest
city in California.

That's not nothing.
That's not nothing!

That's a solid number two.

And you, Cincinnati?

You're the home
of the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame.

That's Cleveland.

Well, you're the hometown
of astronaut Jim Lovell,

and Emmy award-winning
actress Carol Kane.

That's Cleveland, as well.
Shit, I'm sorry.

You-- Cle--
you might have to hang on
to the Bengals.

But for the rest of you--
for the rest of you,

I want you to look
deep down inside your hearts.

I want you to dig in there

and I want you
to find something.

And it's going
to seem tiny,

but it's the most powerful
thing in the world.

And it's the word "no."

Huh? No.

So when a billionaire
asks you to buy him
a hologram machine

that doesn't exist yet,
what are you going to say?

All: No!
That's right.

And when they ask you
for public money

without opening their books,
what are you going
to say to them?

All: No!
That's right.

And when they ask you
if they can keep
all the money

for calling their arena
Smoothie King Center,

what are you going
to say to them?

All: No!
f*ck no! That's right.

'Cause that's a stupid name
for anything,

even a smoothie store!

So listen to me.

'Cause I want you all
to get out there.

And the next time
a team comes around

asking for a new stadium,
I want you to make them pay!

What are you going to do?

All: Make them pay!
What are you going to do?

Make them pay!
What are you going to do?

Make them pay!

Clear eyes, full hearts!
All: Can't lose!

Let's go do this!
Yeah!

Let's go make them pay!

Let's go do this!

That's our show!
Thank you for watching!

See you next week!

Good night!

All chanting:
Make them pay! Make them pay!

Make them pay!
Make them pay!

Make them pay!

Make them pay!
Make them pay!

Make them pay!
Make them pay!

[rousing orchestral music
playing]