03x19 - 2016 Democratic National Convention

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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin
with the 2016 election,

or as you probably know it,

America's Shit Salad
Fuckstravaganza 2016.

It was the Democratic
National Convention this week--

more on that later--
but as of right now,

polls suggest that this race
is extremely tight,

even tighter
than the perfectly normal grip

that this father has on the hips
of his own adult daughter.

There is no doubt

the stakes of this election
are incredibly high,

which is why what happened
this week is so important.

- On Friday, just over 100 days
before the 2016 election,

three courts in three states
struck down

three attempts
at voter suppression--

a triple victory
for voting rights.

- Yes.
A Triple Crown victory.

And now,
as per Triple Crown tradition,

democracy will be drained
of its seed and promptly shot.

Yes, a--a string
of voting restrictions

were struck down this week
in Wisconsin, Texas,

and most notably,
North Carolina,

birthplace of Charlie Rose,
Vince McMahon,

Gallagher, and Fred Durst,

or as I like to call them,

"the real Mount Rushmore."

All--all three states
were criticized for

enacting laws with a racially
discriminatory effect,

but the Fourth Circuit had
particularly strong language

for North Carolina.

woman:
The court called it...

Saying the law's provisions...

- Wow.

"Targeting African-Americans

with almost surgical
precision."

That is not a phrase
you ever want to hear

outside of a marketing meeting

for Dark & Lovely Healthy-Gloss
Shea Butter Relaxer.

I think it's okay for me
to tell that joke.

I'm pretty sure
that joke is fine.

I'm about 80% confident
we have no problem there.

The point is, when you hear
what North Carolina's

voter ID law contained,

it is hard to disagree
with that court.

woman:
The law required voters

to show certain photo IDs

that white voters
were more likely to possess

and eliminated other
voter access tools

like same-day registration

and a full week
of early voting.

Scaling back early voting

effectively eliminated
one Souls to the Polls Sunday,

where African-American churches

provide transportation
for voters.

- It's true, they limited
Souls to the Polls,

which is not to be confused
with my charity foundation

Soles to the Poles, which
sends shoes to Polish people,

despite the fact
they haven't asked for them,

don't need them, and have
repeatedly asked me to stop.

Now--now, to be fair,
at the time,

politicians in North Carolina
were insistent

that this bill was passed
for good reasons.

man: Republican
state representative

David Lewis
chaired the elections committee

when that bill passed.

He says it makes
the voting process fairer.

- Even if you, uh...

want to attest or believe

that we did something
for partisan advantage, um...

it certainly wasn't done

with a racially discriminatory
intent.

- That is an amazing pushback.

"Oh, I'm happy to let you say

"we did this
to disenfranchise Democrats

"but not black people.

"Please paint me
as the correct kind of assh*le.

"Please do me that good.

"Good day, sir.

I say good day!"

Unfortunately,
as the court pointed out,

race clearly was a factor,

given that
before the law passed,

legislators
specifically requested data

on voting practices by race,

and then...

And just think about that.

They didn't just go
with their gut

and think it would be
discriminatory.

They got the spreadsheets,
crunched the numbers,

and they knew it would be.

I don't know how you did it,
North Carolina,

but I think you officially
"Moneyballed" racism.

Forget "First in Flight."

Your new state motto should be,

"North Carolina:
Ignorance at its Smartest."

But--but for now,
let's move on--

let's move on to Turkey,

AKA Diet Syria.

Two weeks ago--

two weeks ago, Turkey was nearly
rocked to its core.

- All hell is breaking loose
in Turkey right now.

Explosions and g*nf*re
rocking the capital of Turkey,

where reports
of a military coup

started breaking
just a few hours ago.

woman:
They declared martial law.

There was g*nf*re.

Police were sh**ting
at helicopters.

- Wait, wait.
sh**ting at helicopters?

Look, Turkey, I don't want to
tell you how to defend yourself,

but if the fourth "Die Hard"
movie taught me anything,

it's that you don't sh**t down
helicopters with g*ns.

You simply do this...

Is that so hard?
Is that really so hard?

[cheers and applause]

Now...
[applause continues]

Now, historically--
historically,

Turkey is no stranger
to violent military coups.

This was their fourth
in the last 60 years.

So at this point,
they should really be hosting

the quadrennial
World Coup tournament,

featuring unstable regimes
from around the world,

organized, of course,
by FIFA.

But--but this--

this most recent attempt
surprised everyone.

President Erdogan was even
on vacation at the time

and desperately tried
to address the nation

using an unconventional medium.

woman: President Erdogan,
who was on vacation,

spoke first via FaceTime
on Turkish TV

and called for his supporters
to take to the streets.

- It's true.
He used FaceTime.

Erdogan tried
to hold his nation together

with the same technology
your mom uses

to make you wish her dog
a happy birthday.

"Happy birthday, dog.

Can I please just talk
to my mother now?"

The coup turned out to be
short-lived,

and in the last two weeks,

Erdogan has been
taking his revenge.

Lowen: They've called it
"rooting out the virus,"

a wave of arrests
over the past fortnight

against the alleged
coup plotters

and those who back them.

Journalists, diplomats, NGOs,

even Turkish Airline staff

have been detained
or dismissed.

- Okay, journalists
and diplomats, you would expect,

but detaining airline staff?

Erdogan is clearly just
settling personal scores now.

I'm telling you,
one flight attendant refused

to give him the entire can
of Schweppes in 1999,

and now the entire industry
is in prison.

It's bullshit.

As of yesterday, over 10,000
people have been arrested,

and more than 60,000
have been detained,

removed, or suspended.

And Erdogan
points the finger of blame

firmly at this man,

Fethullah Gulen.

He's a Muslim academic
and a one-time Erdogan ally,

although Turkey's leaders
now insist

that he is a grave threat.

man: Turkish prime minister
recently compared

Gulen and his supporters
to a virus

and a medieval cult
of assassins.

- What?

A medieval cult of assassins?

I've got to say,
if you want to ruin

the reputation of your enemies,

maybe don't make them sound
outrageously awesome.

"Oh, Fethullah Gulen?
Don't listen to him.

"He's like a monster truck
wearing aviator sunglasses

or a wolf that plays
the electric guitar."

I don't see the appeal.

And if you are wondering
how Gulen is still alive,

he actually exiled himself


and has been living in
the last place you'd expect.

Watson: One of the world's
most powerful Muslim preachers

lives behind these gates

in a compound located
in the small, leafy town

of Saylorsburg, Pennsylvania.

- Yes, the alleged instigator
of the Turkish coup

lives in rural
Saylorsburg, Pennsylvania,

among, I'm guessing,
tree-lined streets,

Lyme disease, six Wawas,
and a taffy museum.

I-I'm guessing.

And while Gulen
strenuously denies

any involvement in the coup,
I do not envy him,

because you do not want Erdogan
as an enemy.

Remember,
this is a man who has had

his genitals stomped on
by a horse

and lived to tell the story.

If anything, that horse
was going around injured

for weeks afterwards.

And in international politics,

there is one
hard and fast rule:

There is no more dangerous enemy

than a man
with a horse-proof d*ck.

And now this...

male announcer: And now,

"Last Week Tonight" asks,

"How is this still a thing?"

This week: tanning beds.

How are they still a thing?

If you go by TV and movies,

tanning beds are only used
by three types of people:

psychopaths,

assh*le Rob Lowes...

- I can't stop saying "bro,"
bro.

announcer:
And potential m*rder victims.

- [shrieking]

announcer:
But despite all this,

tanning beds are still used

by a surprising number
of people.

There are more tanning salons
in America

than there are Dunkin' Donuts,
meaning there are

more places
to get medium roasted

than there are places
to drink a medium roast.

In fact, tanning salons
are a $3 billion industry.

Impressive, considering that
they only began in the 1970s,

when the modern tanning beds
were introduced

by German scientist
and creepy manspreader

Friedrich Wolff.

And their popularity
is even more impressive

when you consider
what they can do to you.

- The CDC says
thousands of people

were sent to the ER
last year

after getting hurt
in tanning beds.

- Researchers say they're now
certain tanning beds

and UV radiation
definitely cause cancer.

woman:
The World Health Organization

recently added tanning beds
to its Group 1 list

of cancer-causing substances,

the same group as cigarettes.

announcer: Yes,
basically, tanning beds

are the product of deviant sex
between a cigarette

and a sleeping bag.

Press like this
would destroy most industries.

Luckily, tanning beds
have trade groups

who fight regulation

with every UV-damaged fiber
of their being.

- We need ultraviolet light,

but to call it a carcinogen,

to say UV light is harmful
and should be avoided,

is like saying water
causes drowning

and you should avoid water.

announcer: That's
International Smart Tan Network

vice president
and industry magazine cover boy

Joe Levy.

And not only does he believe

that tanning beds
don't cause cancer,

he suggests that by boosting
your vitamin D levels,

they can prevent cancer.

- A new Georgetown University
study is showing

that higher vitamin D levels,
in a clinical study,

are associated
with a twofold reduction

in risk of breast cancer.

announcer:
Yeah, except that's not

what the study really said.

It actually found
vitamin D could decrease

or increase breast cancer
development...

in mice.

Yes. Mice.
[mouse squeaking]

And besides,
if you want vitamin D,

you don't need to pay

to lay in a bed of glass
and mercury.

You could go outside
for ten minutes

three times a week

or swallow some milk, fish,

literally hundreds
of vitamin D-fortified foods,

or just a f*cking
vitamin D pill.

So if turning your skin into
cancerous crème brûlée crust

is the only reason
to use a tanning bed,

we have to ask...

tanning beds--
how are they still a thing?

[cheers and applause]

- Moving on.
Let's...

Let's move on
to the 2016 election,

or, as it's commonly known,

a Horrifying Glimpse at
Satan's Pinterest Board 2016.

This week was the
Democratic National Convention,

and after the bizarre Republican
circus that preceded it,

all they really had to do

was not appear
like a complete disaster.

And, yet, somehow...

Holt: Good evening.

Their party's chairman
off the program,

an apparent Russian
email hack,

and now a revolt
among Bernie Sanders supporters.

Welcome to day one of the
Democratic National Convention.

- That was day one!

Day one!

The DNC got off to the roughest
start that I've seen

since FOX 5's 2011 coverage
of the San Diego Boat Show.

- Good morning, everybody.

I'm hanging out
with my friend John.

FOX 5 "Morning News" starts--
look over there.

- And it starts right now!

[laughter]

- That--that is basically
what happened

on day one of the DNC,
in a nutshell.

Because--because before
Debbie Wasserman Schultz

could even gavel-in
the convention,

a leaked email scandal
had forced her to resign.

And Bernie Sanders supporters
gave her a rough reception

when she met with
her own state's delegation.

- We know that the voices
in this room

that are standing up
and being disruptive--

we know that that's not
the Florida that we know.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Disruptive,
borderline unhinged,

and getting ready
to f*ck up a vote?

That is literally
the only Florida that we know.

The only way that could be
any more Florida

is if one of
the Bernie delegates was

an aging, heavily-armed,
r*cist alligator.

Now, luckily for the Democrats,

things gradually got
back on track

thanks to a series
of stirring speeches,

beginning with the first lady.

- Today,
I wake up every morning

in a house
that was built by slaves.

And...
[cheers and applause]

And--and I watch
my daughters...

two beautiful, intelligent
black young women...

playing with their dogs
on the White House lawn.

- Now, whatever
your party affiliation,

that is a truly moving speech.

The only thing I would say
to the audience is,

maybe don't start
your round of applause

directly following the phrase
"built by slaves."

"Oh, oh, yes,
they did a lovely job.

"They had to.
They had to do a good job.

"They had to.
That's why.

Lovely."

Now, the next day,
it was Bill Clinton's turn

to fire up the crowd,

retelling his relationship
with Hillary,

seemingly in real time.

And then Wednesday--
on Wednesday, Joe Biden spoke,

assuming the role of America's
motivational cattle prod.

- We are America.
Second to none.

And we own the finish line.

Don't forget it.

God bless you all,

and may God protect our troops.

Come on.

We're America.

Thank you.

- "Come on!
Come on!"

Once he has left
the White House,

Biden is going to be
the most inspiring

SoulCycle instructor ever.

"Come on!
Pedal!

"You own the finish line,
Caitlyn!

Come on!
Pedal like the wind!"

[cheers and applause]

Now, Biden was actually

the warm-up man
for the president,

who, like many speakers
throughout the week,

occasionally lapsed into a tone
of actual disbelief

at what America might be
considering doing this election.

- People outside
of the United States

do not understand

what's going on
in this election.

[laughter and cheers]
They really don't.

- That's actually true.

The rest of the world does not
understand Trump's candidacy

any more than they understand

the menu at Guy Fieri's
American Kitchen.

[French accent]
"This, uh, Donkey Sauce,

"is it made
from actual donkey?

"Why do you do this
to yourself?

Why?
Why?"

But the emotional highlight

of the convention
was undoubtedly

a speech by Khizr Khan,
a lawyer, immigrant,

and father of a fallen
Muslim-American soldier.

- Donald Trump,

you're asking Americans

to trust you with their future.

Let me ask you:

Have you even read
the United States Constitution?

[cheers and applause]

I will...

[cheers and applause]

I will gladly lend you

my copy.

- Oh, shit.

That is an American
founding document

being inspirationally used
as a middle finger.

[cheers and applause]

I did not know
that was technically possible.

And here's the thing:

It wasn't even
the most devastating part

of Mr. Khan's speech.

- Have you ever been
to Arlington Cemetery?

Go look at the graves
of brave patriots

who died defending
United States of America.

You will see all faiths,

genders, and ethnicities.

[cheers and applause]

You have sacrificed nothing...

[cheers and applause]

And no one.

- Wow.
That engendered in me

a level of emotion that
I did not think was possible

after 16 months
of this depressing campaign

and 39 years on Earth
as a British person.

[laughter]

And yet, the truth here is,

however incredible
the surrogate speeches are,

conventions are really judged
by the performances

of the two people
on the party's ticket.

So how did they fare?

Well,
let's start with Tim Kaine,

a human sweater-vest.

He's--he's basically

the portrait of
a vice president

that came with the frame.

His speech...
[cheers and applause]

His speech was exactly as boring
as you would expect,

with the exception of
his almost impressively bad

Trump impression.

- It's gonna be great.
Believe me.

We're gonna build a wall
and make Mexico pay for it.

Believe me.

We're gonna destroy !sis
so fast.

Believe me.

- What the f*ck was that?

That doesn't sound like him
at all.

How is this man gonna win
an election

if he couldn't even win
a game of "Cranium"?

"I-I don't know--is it
Jackie Gleason? Brad Garrett?

"f*ck it, Tim, just mold
whoever it is out of clay.

We have no chance here."

And as for Hillary Clinton,

on the night of
her historic nomination,

she stood before the nation
in full Pitbull cosplay,

had--

she had a genuinely stupid
amount of balloons

dropped on her head,
and in between,

delivered a speech focusing
on the actual job requirements

of being president.

- I sweat the details
of policy,

whether we're talking about
the exact level of lead

in the drinking water
in Flint, Michigan,

the number of mental health
facilities in Iowa,

or the cost of
your prescription dr*gs.

Because it's not just a detail

if it's your kid,

if it's your family.

It's a big deal.

- It was a kind of
interesting approach.

Instead of soaring rhetoric,

the bulk of her speech
was basically,

"I'm gonna micromanage
the shit out of this office.

"I'm gonna get granular
as fu-u-u-ck.

"Now, drop the balloons,
and I will count them all.

I'm all about the details."

It--it was definitely
a restrained speech

to close a convention,

especially when you compare it
to the week before,

when Donald Trump
essentially opened his mouth

and exhaled a swarm of locusts.

But--but now that
both conventions are behind us,

maybe we should try
and take stock

of what they have taught us

about the current state
of our two political parties.

The DNC showed
the Democrats to be

a coalition of
constantly squabbling

if fundamentally like-minded

Katy Perry fans.

And as for the RNC,

it showed
that the Republican Party

doesn't seem to currently exist,

because,
to all intents and purposes,

we didn't really get a
Republican convention this year.

I mean, sure,
there was a Cleveland-based

gathering of delegates,

featuring all of Donald Trump's
favorite family members--

and Tiffany--

and celebrities whose
most notable upcoming projects

include the Emmy Awards'
"In Memoriam" reel.

Probably.

But--but almost everything
that you would expect

from a GOP convention
was absent.

Many prominent Republicans
chose to skip it,

as did both living Republican
former presidents.

And for the party of Reagan,

the tone was unusually
and relentlessly negative.

- Not only have our citizens

endured domestic disaster,

but they've lived through
one international humiliation

after another--

one after another!

- What is he even
talking about there?

Only one major
international humiliation

from recent history
comes to mind,

and it's the one
standing behind that podium.

And--and this left...
[cheers and applause]

This left the Democrats
wide open

to pick up the mantle of

"people who actually like
living here."

- Don't let anyone ever tell you

that this country isn't great,

that somehow we need to
make it great again.

Because this right now is

the greatest country on Earth.

- Yes.
The greatest country on Earth.

You hear that, Denmark?

You go f*ck yourself!
Yeah.

I don't care what
the World Happiness Index says.

Michelle Obama told me
that we're number one,

and her arms make me feel safe.

So, unusually,

the DNC felt like
the more patriotic occasion.

It featured
America's greatest actress

dressed up
like a plastic tablecloth

from the Fourth of July

and General John Allen
screaming at people.

- To our enemies:

We will pursue you
as only America can.

You will fear us.

And to !sis and others,
we will defeat you.

[cheers and applause]

- Who--
who are you shouting at?

!sis is not watching the DNC.

They're watching
"Braxton Family Values."

It's Thursday, fool.

But--but that is--
think about it--

that is a retired
four-star Marine general

threatening
vaguely-defined enemies

while a crowd waves signs
reading "USA."

That is not something
you expect to see

at a Democratic convention--

not because Democrats
aren't patriotic,

but because Republicans
have always done that

louder and longer.

This whole two weeks
felt topsy-turvy.

It's frankly no wonder
that commentators felt

a little confused.

- If you were a Martian
and you came down

and looked at
these two conventions

and somebody asked you,
"Which of the two parties

is the most overtly patriotic?"
woman: Yeah.

- You would say
the Democratic Party.

- Okay, but if you were
a Martian who landed on Earth

and someone asked you which
party seemed more patriotic,

you would probably say,

"Wait.
That's your question?

"I'm literally an alien.

"Is there nothing else
you want to ask me?

"'How was your trip?'
for example,

"or, 'What was Tilda Swinton
like as a kid?'

"You know, usually--
I've got to say, usually,

"people's first question
for me is,

'Why is your penis made
of pure, glowing white light?'"

But the reason
the Republican Party

essentially forgot to
celebrate America this year

might be because
they were too busy celebrating

Donald Trump's claims
that he would fix

whatever Donald Trump thinks
is wrong with America.

- Nobody knows the system
better than me...

[silence]

[laughter and applause]

Which is why
I alone can fix it.

When I take the oath of office
next year,

I will restore law and order
to our country.

I am your voice.

- Now--now, "I am your voice"
is actually a fair claim.

He does speak for some people,

although you would kind of hope
that they would then react

the way most people do
when they hear their own voice,

which is to say,
"Oh, shit,

"I don't actually
sound like that, do I?

That is f*cking horrifying."

The RNC taught us that

a party which
used to be organized

around a set of
shared principles

is currently organized
around one man.

And given that
that is the case,

his judgment is pretty much
the only thing that is important

when considering
who to vote for in November.

So to that end,
I would like to show you

something he said recently,
and before I do--

he has clearly said
countless awful things

throughout this campaign,

any of which would disqualify
any other candidate.

Just this week,
he declined yet again

to release his tax returns,

lied about getting a letter
from the NFL agreeing with him

that the debates shouldn't clash
with football games,

called Angela Merkel a moron,

implied that Brazil brought
the Zika virus on themselves,

and encouraged a foreign power's
hack of his political rival.

Now, two of those
didn't happen,

but you're not sure which two,

and that's kind of the point,
isn't it?

Because Trump hasn't said
one crazy thing.

He's said thousands
of crazy things,

each of which blunts the effect
of the others.

It's the bed of nails principle.

If you step on one nail,
it hurts you.

If you step on a thousand nails,

no single one stands out,

and you're fine.

That is how Donald Trump
has managed

to say pretty much anything
in this campaign

seemingly without consequences.

And yet,
even with that caveat,

his response when asked about
that speech from Khizr Khan

stands out.

- I saw him.
He was, you know, very emotional

and probably looked like
a nice guy to me.

His wife, uh...
if you look at his wife,

she was standing there.
She had nothing to say.

She probably--maybe she wasn't
allowed to have anything to say.

You tell me, but plenty
of people have written that.

Uh, she...
she was extremely quiet,

and it looked like
she had nothing to say.

- Okay.

For a start,
his wife has explained

that she chose not to speak
because she gets too upset

when she sees images
of her dead son's face,

you f*cking assh*le.

But--but--I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Please continue.

- He said, "You have sacrificed
nothing and no one."

- Well, that sounds--
who wrote that?

Did Hillary's scriptwriters
write it?

- How would you answer
that father?

What sacrifice have you made
for your country?

- I think I've made
a lot of sacrifices.

I work very, very hard.

I've created thousands
and thousands of jobs,

tens of thousands of jobs...

built great structures.

I've done--I've had--
I've had tremendous success.

Uh, I think I've done a lot.
- Those are sacrifices?

- Oh, sure,
I think they're sacrifices.

- No!

No, they are absolutely not.

They are self-serving
half-truths

from a self-serving half-man

who has somehow convinced
half the country

that sacrifice is
the same thing as success.

Honestly, the main takeaway
from these two weeks is that,

incredibly, we may be
on the brink of electing

such a damaged,
sociopathic narcissist

that the simple
presidential duty

of comforting the families
of fallen soldiers

may actually be beyond
his capabilities.

And I genuinely did not think

that that was a part of the job
that someone could be bad at.

And now this...

announcer:
And finally this week...

- To hell with
Trump's American nightmare.

We believe in
the American dream.

- The right wing has thrown
everything at Hillary.

Not only the kitchen sink,

not only the stove,

but the refrigerator
and the toasters too.

- We'll fight for
the macro issues

and those
macaroni and cheese issues.

- Put down your "Pokémon GO"
for just a second.

- We're naming Donald Trump
to our Dirty Dozen list.

Dirty, dangerous,
denying Donald.

- Shade.

Boy, bye.

- They threw her down
in this very campaign!

This campaign!
But she won't stay thrown!

No, she ain't gonna
stay thrown!

She won't stay thrown!

- And it's true:
I haven't really gotten

the bolo tie look to catch on.

- She was the first person
to call me

when my second child
was born.

I don't know what that says
about my family.

- The Hillary I know,
she loves HGTV

and she can devour
buffalo wings

whether on
a car, plane, or train.

[crowd chanting]
Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!

- [mildly]
Hillary.

- It's healing time.
It's hope time.

It's Hillary time.

It's healing time.
It's hope time.

It's Hillary time.

It's healing time.
It's hope time.

It's Hillary time.

It's healing time.
It's hope time.

It's Hillary time.

It's healing time.
It's hope time.

[rousing music]

- You better listen to me!
I said she won't stay thrown!

[cheers and applause]

- That's our show.
Thanks so much for watching.

See you next week.
Good night.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat rock music]

[bright tone]