01x06 - Circus Berserkus

[bunniefuu]

[thrilling organ music]
- Come to Nightmare on 13th

and make your
nightmares a reality!

Nightmares
become reality!

Free admission if you k*ll
one of the rodents

terrorizing floor seven,

located next to Sandwich
Andy's Sandwich World.

- Cut! Awesome.

Looks like we got it,
Mr. Nightmare.

- Thank you so much for
your services.

They will not go unnoticed.

- Because we're getting paid,
yes?

That's the notice
you're referring to?

- "To which you are referring",
you mean.

- Excuse me?

- You ended your sentence
in a preposition.

- Zona just got Zona-d y'all.

I'm so glad I skipped indoor
bungee jumping for this.

- Your job?
- Yeah, I know, right?

Who knew it'd be worth it?

- Be that as it may,
Mr. Nightmare,

every time I've approached
you about payment,

you've avoided me.

But we've filmed the
commercial now,

and before we go any farther-

- "Further."
Metaphorical distance.

- I was about to correct myself,
I'm just frustrated!

[Micah giggling]
- Tell you what,

if you can survive the scariest
floor of Nightmare on 13th,

then I will pay you in full.

- In full? That's amazing.

- No, Ryan, it's standard
business practice.

- I could finally get that lemur
vest I've been eyeing.

- You wear lemur fur?

- No, it's a vest for lemurs.

- Wait, are you not
going to pay us

if we don't make it
through your house?

- Isn't that what you agreed to
when you signed THESE!?

- What is that?

- It's a waiver, Micah,
you signed it.

- Oh, girl, I sign a
lot of things.

See?

- You took advantage of us
as millennials!

You know we have a

predisposition to not
read contracts!

- Uh, speak for yourself, okay.

Reading contracts is my
favorite part of the job.

[romantic music]
Ooh, a restrictive covenant.

- You need a boyfriend.

- Don't change
the subject, okay!

I poured over those
contracts last night

and there was no
mention of us needing

to complete this house in order
to qualify for payment!

- Did you read addendum three,
which I added this morning?

[spooky music]
Oh!

Because your signature
indicates that you did.

- [groans]
Okay, fine!

- Man, this is gonna be so lame!

- Micah, there are
people on stilts.

- Have you ever been to a house
that's actually haunted?

Now that's terrifying.

One time I went to this
abandoned mental hospital

and I heard a voice that
whispered, "You're fat."

And it was right!

[exclaims]
Mm-mm, no.

- Guys, I don't know about this.

I get terror acne and

I literally just ran
out of concealer.

- You all must experience
the Circus Berserkus

without going mad!
[chilling music]

[prop squeaks]

And then you will get paid.

- Did he just say circus?

'Cause that's no bueno.

That's no buen-buen no-no.

- [groans] If I wasn't poor,
I'd say no!

- "If I weren't poor."
Subjunctive mood!

- What is happening to me?

[upbeat music]

♪ You can make it mean anything,
oh anything you want ♪

[deranged man laughing]
- Don't touch it, thanks.

- I can touch it.

- It's not meant to be touched.

- All right guys,

let's just get through this
house so we can go home

and finally get some
real work done.

- I go home to stop working.

- Well we work at home,

so you're literally
sleeping on the job.

- Man, Zona, maybe a boyfriend
would mellow you out.

- I had a boyfriend once, I
didn't like it!

[door creaks]
[ghost wailing]

- Hey, how crazy do we think
this is going to be?

'Cause that clown is literally
just Snapchatting

and it's terrifying.

- Ooh, this feels
like a blind zit.

It's happening!

Hello.

- [Announcer] It's not possible.

[indistinct] parking
lot to go over

to Sandwich Andy's
Sandwich World

and validate your parking.

- Man, this is nothing.

Ooh, once I went to this
abandoned orphanage

where they had a message
written in blood,

it said, "You're fat."

- Do you think this
place is based off

of our actual nightmares?

Is there a Roomba that follows
you into the bathroom

and watches you do
your business?

- I got a bad
feeling about this.

- But you're not afraid of
anything, Devin.

- You don't understand, I used
to work at a circus,

and it messed me up good.

- What'd you do? Tight rope?
Lion taming?

- I ate raw meat while people
guessed my credit score.

[crowd yelling]
[Devin groaning]

- I can't be held responsible

for what I do in there, okay.

If I even get a whiff of
peanuts or popcorn,

my adrenaline kicks in and I
don't fight or flight,

I smite, I ignite, I
get an appetite.

- Did you just Come up with
those rhymes on the spot?

- That's right.
- Please stop by the gift shop

on your way out.

Enter if you dare.

[door creaks]
[upbeat spooky music]

[zombie growls]
[Owen exclaims]

[pumpkinhead exclaims]

- [scoffs]
You like 14?

- I...

Next month.

- [scoffs] Okay.

[pumpkinhead moans]

- Welcome to the
Circus Berserkus.

Enter if you dare.

[clown laughing]
[crowd yelling]

[haunting music]

- Two can play this game,
pork chop.

[whip cracks]

- Okay, so this is stupid and
not scary at all.

But maybe just stick it
through this quickly

and as zit-free as possible, if
we just stick together.

- Where's Devin?
- She's dead!

She's dead!
- Owen! Owen!

Calm down, okay.

I will stay with you,

and then we can just totally-

[chainsaw revving]
[Arizona screams]

- Take her!

Her cats could feed a
small family!

- Hey!
[screams]

[Arizona exclaims]

[romantic music]

- Shall we go over the
contingency clause?

[wine pouring]

[Arizona breathes sharply]

[upbeat music]

- Step right up, kids!
[girl shrieks]

[clown laughs maniacally]

Step right up, kids!
[laughs maniacally]

Four years at Juilliard...

- Sorry you're not
having much fun.

- I could be at a

glow-in-the-dark bubble
fight right now.

- Those are all my
favorite words.

[people screaming]
- I know, right?

[footsteps stomping]

- Okay. Slow down. Jeez.

Oh, it's supposed to be like a
crazy party, man!

They're playing Meghan
Trainor music backwards!

- Backwards?
- Yeah!

Apparently it makes the songs

actually empowering
to women, so...

- Oh.

Well we can still try to
have fun here.

- Nope.

Ooh, hello.

Wanna pull a scary prank?

- Isn't this whole place kinda
one big scary prank?

- [chuckles] Let's
show these teens

how to really scare someone,
yeah?

- How? You're just a commoner
like the rest of us.

[gasps] I misspoke, my liege!
- Yeah, c'mon!

- Okay, right.

- [whimpers]
I'm so scared...

- Eyes ahead!

I need three bodies on all
sides, at all times!

[lady roars]
[Owen yells]

Oh, children, save me with
your youthful skin!

[people screaming]

[boys yelling]

- I dropped my inhaler!
- Just leave it!

[Micah laughing]

- Did you get it?
- Yeah, think so.

- Oh, it's so perfect.
- Rookie mistake, kid!

- What?

- Grabbing people.

Going for that extra scare.

Oh, you'll have fun at first.

We all have fun at first.

But eventually, topsy-turvy.
[laughs maniacally]

Ow!

[haunting music]
[someone knocking]

[coffin opens]
[Arizona gasps]

- Sorry, I thought you
were someone else.

[chainsaw revving]

[romantic music]
It's you.

[chainsaw revs loudly]

- You don't have to act
tough with me.

I see the real you.

You can run, but you can't hide
from your feelings!

[upbeat electronic music]
[people screaming]

- How do I look?

- Like you're ready to
scare the peanuts

off this next victim.
- I'm so excited!

And claustrophobic, but
mostly excited!

- Oh yeah, here they come!

- You're mine!

- We playing street rules,
Bonzo?

[Devin kicks Ryan]
[Ryan groans]

[Devin screams]
- Oh!

Ryan! Are you okay?

- [moans] My insides
feel topsy-turvy.

- [gasps] Topsy-turvy!
[mysterious music]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh.

I thought you'd be gone.

- She can't see you if
you don't move.

- I can see you pretty clearly.

- Go.
- Okay, uh, well-

- [shushes] Go away!

Go!

- This is mutiny!

Oh no!

[prop roars]
[group screams]

Oh no!

Take her!

Take her!

No!

[group screaming]

Does anybody have a Neutrogena
skin clearing blemish stick?

[clown roars]
[Owen yells]

Preferably the color buff!

- Old man with bumpy skin.

- Hey.

- This is where we leave you.

- What? No, I need you guys.

- You're too annoying.

A group of tweens thinks
you're too annoying.

- But am I-
[girl shushes Owen]

Guys?

No, don't leave me!

Emma! Autumn! Tim!

Tim, look at me!

Don't walk away from me!

I can't do this
without you guys!

Woo!

Foundation.

[people screaming]

- Okay buddy, come on, let's go.

- Just leave me.

- No. No, no, no.

Don't you dare give up on me.

Come on, let's go!
[emotional music]

- Tell my grandma that I'm
sorry I grimaced

before massaging her bunions.

- You're gonna tell those
bunions yourself.

Come on!

[Micah grunting]

[floorboards creaking]

[chainsaw revving]
[emotional music]

- [scoffs] What do you want?

We tried that, remember?

It'll never work.

The chainsaw will
always come first.

[chainsaw drops]

You'd do that

for me?

[romantic music]

[Arizona breathes sharply]

- Oh look, a hall of mirrors,
how spooky.

- Micah I desperately need ice.

And eggs, but that's more
to remind myself

for my shopping list.

- Well let's just make it

through this scary hall of
mirrors. [chuckles]

- [Voiceover] You're fat!

- Oh no you didn't!
Where are you?

- [Voiceover] Fat!

- Where are you?

[tense music]
- [Voiceover] Fat!

Fat! Fat! [Micah
breathing heavily]

[Micah sobbing] You're fat!

- Micah! [Micah exclaims]

Stop, there's no one else here!

[both screaming]
[upbeat music]

Calm yourself, Micah!

My poor bone bones can't
take much more!

[both gasp]

- Devin? Is that Devin?

[Devin gurgling]
[men scream]

- Devin, it's me!

I'm your friend!

Can you say friend?

- Friend.
[emotional flute music]

[sobs]
Ryan!

- Clever girl.

- [sobs]
I've done things!

Unspeakable things!

- [shushing] It's okay, queen.

It's been a night for all of us.

Let's go.
[Devin cries loudly]

[upbeat funky music]

- Oh, so you made it through!

What did you think?

- That was legit the scariest
night I can remember.

- [exclaims] You
really think so?

- I can't even talk about it.

- I'm sorry for what
you'll find in there.

[ominous music]
- What did you do?

What?

Did you go berserkus
on my circus?

What a jerkus.

Johnathan, get the 409!

- Owen. [gasps]

- Oh, hey girl.

- Wow! Oh my gosh!

I have an appointment tomorrow

that I need to get ready
for right now.

- [flicks tongue]
She'll be back.

Still Got it.

Still got it!

- So, why don't we pick up
where we left off?

- Man, boy scout
fundraiser pitches

are getting weirder and weirder.

- No, it's me.

[mimics chainsaw]

- Chainsaw man?

- Hey.

- But

your arms!

You had man arms!

- People see what they wanna see
in the Circus Berserkus.

- No, no, no, no!

Oh, I'm going to jail!

- Don't you want my
phone number?

- No, no, no, no, no!

We've never met!

You are a boy, a child!

You probably don't know anything
about contract lingo!

- Well if you just enact
due diligence,

I'm sure you'll find there's
little liability

in this joint venture.

[romantic music]

- Oh, I need a boyfriend!
[chainsaw boy sighs]

- Your payment in full.

- Thank you, Mr. Nightmare.

- Well done.

Me and my team are
very impressed.

- "My team and I", you mean?

[Mr. Nightmare gasps]

- You are Mr. Nightmare now.

[Arizona gasps]

[upbeat rock music]

[ominous music]
We arrived here

and we found it like this.

- [groans] I've seen a lot of
sick stuff in my day.

This takes the cake.

Uncooked rib-eye.

[detective gags]

- Do you know what
these numbers mean?

- [Mr. Nightmare] It's the mark
of the beast, my boy.

- Look.



There's a pattern.

There's green-
- [Detective] Officer!

- and then it
alternates to pink.

What is this? This zero is
bigger than this one.

- What do these numbers-
- Officer!

- No!

- You have to leave!
- What do these numbers mean?

What do these numbers mean?
- Relax! Relax! Officer!

You're under arrest!