03x03 - Derek, Alex, and Gary

[bunniefuu]

Previously on nip/tuck...

Guess I'm early.

Maybe I should go.

Who are you?

I'm me again, baby. I'm back.

She came into my office

For a small procedure.

What kind of procedure?

Matt, it doesn't concern you.

No, I wanna know.

So is she a man or a woman?

What matters is how

She views herself, matt.

Are you man enough to make up

Your own mind about what pleases you?

Buy me a drink?

Whoa. You got a g*dd*mn d*ck.

Why didn't you tell

Me you were pre-op?

You should've told me!

If I wanna play with

Someone's cock,

I got my own, you g*dd*mn freak.

I'm not gay, if that's

What you're thinking, dad.

You are almost unrecognizable.

Holy sh*t.

Come on, get him!

Captioning made

Possible by warner bros.

He's gonna be all right, julia.

It's a simple reset with

A couple of stitches.

In 6 weeks, he'll look like new.

I'm not worried about what

He's gonna look like, sean.

I'm worried about

What's going on inside him

That's making him lie to

Us about what happened.

He's been completely

Shut off from us

Since you told him about ava.

Really? I thought

His erratic behavior

Began after you decided to

Serve me with divorce papers.

What is wrong with you two?

Matt's bleeding, and

You're so self-involved

You're fighting over who

Gave him the straight razor.

Christian, this really

Isn't any of your business.

Your neglect of my

Son is my business.

Look, I agreed to take

A back seat to you two

Because I thought it was

Better to maintain consistency.

Obviously, I was wrong.

As soon as we're done

Resetting his face,

I'm enlisting some

Professional help

So we can make him talk

About what happened.

With all due respect, christian,

You know more about the

Different classes of tequila

Than you know about parenting.

I know enough to

Know that the pound

Wouldn't give either

Of you a 10-year-old mutt

Covered in its

Own sh*t right now.

What's he doing here?

Assisting.

Assisting who?

Assisting me.

This kind of cranial-facial work

Is quentin's specialty.

Not letting him operate on matt

Would be... Neglectful.

Can't you all do it?

No, matt. It's a 2-man job,

And your father knew that.

That's all right. Uh,

Well, I'm the short-timer.

Christian can assist.

Well, wait.

Are you the guy that

Fixed my dad's face?

Yes.

It's ok, matt.

You're gonna do great.

Matt, count back

From 10 for me, ok?

- Matt, muffled: 10...

- 9... 8...



Osteotome...

Mallet.

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Make me beautiful ♪

♪ Make me... ♪

♪ The perfect soul ♪

♪ A perfect mind ♪

♪ A perfect face ♪

♪ A perfect... ♪

♪ Life ♪

How long is this

Gonna take, mr. Miller?

I've got a meeting

In 45 minutes.

Oh, like 10 minutes, tops.

Look, I really appreciate

You coming on

Short notice, dr. Troy.

The administration's pretty down

On the greek system right now.

We'd probably be

Expelled for this.

How'd you get my number?

You did my mom. Her neck-lift.

You did a great job, man.

She got remarried,

Like, 4 months later.

Congratulations.

Plus, you're kind of a

Legend around here.

Legend? Were you a

Brother at this frat?

Chapter president, class of '86.

And guys are still

Talking about him.

He turned this fraternity

From a sausage fest

Into a p*ssy palace

All by himself,

And that's why we

Thought you'd be cool.

Now, we can pay you everything

In our rites of

Spring party fund,

Which is, like, 7 grand, but

You have to keep this a secret.

Keep what a secret?

We tried watering them

Down and pulling them apart...

But this stuff is

Like cement, man.

Cyanoacrylate. This is

Industrial-strength adhesive.

Yeah. We tried calling the 800

Number on the back of the bottle.

They said once it dries,

All you can use to unstick it

Is a chisel or a

Scraper or sandpaper.

We should have enough lidocaine

Between the 2 of

Us for a quickie.

You wanna operate in here?

If we don't separate them here,

We can't transport them.

They're 18. We need them

To sign this consent form

To release us

From any liability.

You carry around your

Own release of liability forms.

Physicians get sued for doing the

Heimlich maneuver at a restaurant.

You need to be prepared.

Well, infection

Shouldn't be a problem

If we can rush them to the e.r.

We're gonna have to do

Some grafting in the office,

But it can wait a day.

Lidocaine or not, it's

Gonna hurt like hell.

Hey, what's your name?

Uh, d-derek jordan.

Derek, I need you

To sign this form

So that dr. Costa and I can

Perform surgery on the 3 of you.

We're gonna give you

A local anesthetic,

But, uh, there's still

Gonna be some pain.

Now, you need to stay cool

While we're cutting, understand?

Got it.

Thank you, derek.

Mm-hmm.

And, you, sir?

Screw this. I wanna

Go to the hospital.

My dad's a doctor. I

Wanna talk to my dad.

Your dad is an

Orthodontist, dickweed!

You don't think dentists have to

Go to medical school, assh*le?!

Just sign the damn form, alex,

Or I swear to god, I

Will sh*t your face.

Dude, I'm freakin' out.

If they don't cut

Me out of here soon,

I'm gonna lose it

And rip myself off.

Fine. Give me the g*dd*mn form.

And you?

Excellent. You guys

Might wanna leave.

It's gonna get, uh,

Messy in here. Ahem.

At least give us some room?

Please?

Thank you.

Can I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm.

Why'd you ask me here

With you instead of sean?

I was just thinking that if

We're gonna be partners,

Then we needed to be active in

Developing our professional relationship.

Bottoms up.

♪ You can shake an

Apple off an apple tree ♪

♪ And shake-a-shake a sugar ♪

♪ But you'll never

Shake me, uh-huh ♪

Ready?



♪ I'm gonna stick like glue ♪

♪ Stick because

I'm stuck on you ♪

Sorry. Did you read the file?

Enough of it.

Can you get him to talk?

I think I can handle

A teenage boy.

Your dad is an

Excellent surgeon.

As soon as the

Swelling goes down,

The girls won't notice a thing.

Who's this?

This is kit mcgraw.

She's a friend of mine.

She's also a detective

In the, uh, sex crimes

Unit at miami-dade.

Well, this wasn't a sex crime.

This was just a simple

Schoolyard fight.

I mean, why would we waste

Ms. Mcgraw's time with it?

Because none of the doughnut-dunkers

Who have interviewed him

Have even come close

To finding out who did this.

Kit is the best detective

In the department.

She's handling the,

Um... The carver case.

This is standard

Stuff for me, matt.

The file is pretty clear,

But I'd like to go

Over your story again.

They really did a number

On you, didn't they?

Matt said it was just one guy.

The bruising on his arms is indicative

Of someone holding him down

While at least one other

Person worked over his face.

You seem like a

Pretty strong kid,

But not even you could

Fight off 3 or 4 guys,

Right, matt?

Well... I mean, I guess it

Could've been more than one guy.

After the first sucker punch,

I don't really remember

Much except for the fists.

In your statement, you

Described the guy... Guys...

As latin with some g*ng tattoos.

Can you tell me what their

Girlfriends looked like?

How the hell would I know that?

These are fingernail marks.

When men scratch they

Cause shallow, uneven cuts.

These run deep and consistent.

Someone with long

Manicured fingernails did this.

I wish they'd scraped

These for polish.

Yeah, well, whatever. Like I

Said, I don't remember anything.

Um, what is this, mom?

I think this is

Enough, ms. Mcgraw.

Matt should rest now.

Thanks, matt. I'll,

Uh, amend the report

And make sure the

Investigating officer sees it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait,

Wait. That's it?

He doesn't wanna talk.

That didn't stop you

From strapping the

Electrodes to my nuts.

He's just a kid, christian.

I didn't bring you here to

Play tetherball with him, kit.

You're taking the leash off?

Because you might

Not like what you hear.

Have you committed a crime in the

Last few weeks, matt? r*pe, as*ault?

Something to piss someone off

Enough for them to seek revenge?

What? No.

Matt was the victim here.

Matt is lying, mrs. Mcnamara.

People who get assaulted for

No reason don't conceal facts.

They don't forget how

Many people att*cked them

Or if they were men or women.

That's what guilty people who

Were jumped for a reason do.

Are you saying he did

Something to precipitate this?

Whoa. I got jumped.

I can't believe you're

Taking her word over mine.

The police report says

You were soaking wet

When you were discovered, matt.

The lab results on your clothes

Revealed that the fluid

Covering your body was urine.

We weren't told that.

Did you know that, sean?

No. That's not in the file.

Not yet, but you know

How that works, doctor.

You need lab results quickly,

You just need to

Know who to call.

What did you do to her, matt?

Did you screw her best friend,

Slip her a roofie, r*pe her?

What made her so mad that she

And a group of her girlfriends

Felt the need to mess

Up your pretty face

And then piss all over you?

You don't know sh*t.

I know that I'd lie, too,

If I had the crap beaten out of

Me by a bunch of cheerleaders.

They weren't

Cheerleaders! They were men!

They were men dressed as women.

One of them made a pass at

Me outside of a she-male bar,

And I b*at the living

sh*t out of him for it.

I guess this was revenge.

What were you doing at

A bar for transsexuals?

I was looking for ava.

m*llitary school?

The hutton academy is

Not a m*llitary school,

It's a disciplinary institution.

And the 2 plums between

My legs are not balls,

They're testicles.

I can't believe that

You want this for him.

Matt needs something radical,

So unless you have

Any better suggestions...

He's depressed

And highly anxious.

I say we start him off

On a low dosage of luvox,

And xanax for panic att*cks.

You're not starting

Him on anything.

Matt's not gonna be

Able to face his issues

If he's in a sedated haze.

They're not sedatives, they

Just help him relax enough

So that he can deal with

What's really hurting him.

I don't know, christian.

You know, maybe sean's

Right. Matt needs structure,

And, you know, maybe hutton wouldn't

Be the worst idea for a couple of months.

You put him in a straight

Jacket, and I swear to god,

He will gnaw his arms

Off just to get out of it.

Wake up, christian.

Our coddling and

Laissez-faire attitudes

Led to him getting pissed on

By a bunch of transsexuals.

Kids whose parents

Are on top of them

Don't b*at down

Strangers outside of bars.

I won't let you do this.

It's 2 to one. You

Don't have a choice.

You all right?

Used to do this when he

Was a kid, watch him sleep.

Well, he's going to be fine.

Young skin, very elastic.

I'm not worried about

The outside scars.

Those I know I can fix.

Is every one of your

Screw-ups your father's fault?

No.

Then you need to stop

k*lling yourself about this.

sh*t happens.

People make mistakes.

You just need to blow off some

Steam, and get some perspective.

Take your head out of that vise.

If you need

Anything, give a call.

Hey.

Yeah?

You wanna go grab

Some stone-crabs?

I'd love to, but I have plans.

I think christian's

Still here, though.

If I can't offer him naked

Victoria secret models

And a case of cristal,

I'm persona-non-grata

On a friday night.

Do you wanna come out with me?

Is this your usual party scene?

No. No, even I tend

To skew a little older.

Christian and I were doing

Some work over here yesterday.

The invite was a thank you.

You and christian?

He didn't tell me about it.

Well, it's no big deal.

It was a college

Prank gone awry.

We don't belong here,

These are just kids.

Sean, these are

Fountains of youth.

We work all day on

Flabby, middle-aged flesh,

Boob jobs, tummy-tucks, lipo...

All we do is try to make



You consider this research.

Hey, you're not a nerdy

Pre-med anymore, sean.

You are a hot-sh*t

Plastic surgeon

In reasonably expensive shoes.

These girls are gonna

Be clawing for you.

Doc, you made it! Hey.

Hey! Is doctor troy with ya?

No, he sends his regrets,

And his partner

Dr. Sean mcnamara.

Right on! Hey, man.

Hey. What are the bracelets for?

Oh, it's a bracelet party.

They're color coded.

See, every girl wears which ever

Color they're looking for tonight.

Like, blue means they like head,

Double blue means they like 69,

Pink means they're

Into girls, too.

Sorta just streamlines

The whole process.

Is there a bracelet for girls

Who likes guys twice their age?

Green. Means they like money.

Come on.

How's matt, christian?

He's recovering faster

From the first b*at down he got

Than the one he got

From herr mcgraw.

Don't let this slide, christian.

That kid has some

Deep-seated problems.

I think I'll skip the

Parenting advice

From the girl who likes to

Spank me while I call her "daddy."

Every gay basher

I've ever busted

Was expressing something they

Couldn't safely express sexually.

Are you suggesting

That matt is gay?

I'm just suggesting that

He should talk to somebody.



Vin diesel movie.

I thought we were

Seeing jude law.

I am not sitting through



Doesn't he get castrated

At the end of this one?

You always get to

Choose the movie.

We haven't seen a

Movie I like in 2 years.

Well, I'm sorry

If the movies I like

Aren't the cinematic

Masterpieces

You direct, kimber.

Those masterpieces grossed

More in the first month dvd sales

Then you made

Last year, assh*le.

This is your fault.

You're constantly

Whispering in her ear,

Trying to box me out.

You've been treating

Kimber like sh*t for years.

You should be thanking me

For helping your

Relationship grow

By making sure she

Stands up for herself.

Kimber and I

Understand each other.

We've got a shorthand.

Yeah, and you've been

Using it to slap her in the ass.

Kimber's not some

Bimbo model anymore.

She doesn't need you. You

Wanna keep her around,

I recommend that you

Choose your moves,

And your movies, more carefully.

Cheer up.

If you're good, I'll give you

A handjob in an hour or 2.



Guy gets his balls cut off.

Jerk each other off.

♪ Your potion's addictive ♪

♪ My motion is liquid ♪

♪ Your potion's addictive ♪

♪ My motion is liquid ♪

♪ Oh, will you

Please believe me ♪

♪ My potion's addictive... ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I'm amber.

Sean. My tie.

What do the braided ones mean?

That means for the right guy,

I'd do anything.

Thank you.

Cheers.

I'm happy to give you a

Cursory examination, amber,

But I can tell you

Before I even look

You do not need liposuction.

Wait.

Wait. Now, come on.

I'm old enough

To be your father.

Age is just a state of mind.

My medieval lit

Professor taught me that.

I slept with him, too.

Do all surgeons have

Such great hands?

Do all anthropology majors

Have such great breasts?

You are cute.

Hi.

Do you guys mind

If we use the bed?

Oh, no problem.

Um, I'm sorry. I've got to go.

Sorry.

Looking for someone?

How does it feel?

It throbs a little.

This'll help.

Are you pissed at me for

Wanting that other guy

To do my surgery?

Biology aside,

Mattie, we're friends.

Takes a lot more than

That to piss off a friend.

What about mom and dad?

They're not quite so

High on you right now.

They wanna send you

To hutton academy

For the rest of the semester.

That place is a

Prison camp, man.

They can't do that.

Technically, they can,

But we're not gonna let 'em.

To make the situation right,

You and I have

To work as a team.

This is an antidepressant.

Take one tablet every morning.

This is for anxiety att*cks.

Take one tablet every time

You feel like you're losing it.

But no booze with these? Hmm?

Ok.

Not so fast.

We're teammates, right?

Yeah.

I wanna know the

Truth about you and ava.

Were you completely fooled

Or was there something about

Her being a man that worked for you?

Why does everyone

Suddenly think I'm gay?

Because you and I

Both know you didn't go

To that tr*nny bar believing

You'd actually find her.

Look, it's totally

Cool with me if you are.

Look, I like girls, ok?

I liked ava because I

Thought she was one.

I guess someone with your limited

Experience could be fooled by her.

It was only through my

Extensive vaginal expertise

That I realized I was

Inside something artificial.

What do you mean inside?

Did you sleep with her?

Just once.

How else do you think we

Realized she was a post-op?

You call yourself a friend?!

Hey! Friends don't sleep

With each other's girlfriends!

Oh, wait. But I guess you have a

Habit of doing that, don't you?

I was trying to save you

From her, you little sh*t.

I thought that if

She had sex with me,

You would see her for the

Manipulative slut that she is.

Oh? And how did you think I was

Gonna feel about you afterwards?

I didn't care!

I'd rather you hate me than

See you destroy yourself.

Let her go.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry. I

Was just picking up

A couple of things

To bring to matt,

You know, make him

Feel more at home.

I guess I've been lingering.

I know the feeling.

I actually fell asleep

In here last night.

What happened to us, sean?

You know, I look at his bed,

And I remember the 3

Of us spending all day

In that damn furniture

Showroom haggling over $200,

Remember, with the salesman

Wearing the bad toupee.

Oh, god.

Those parents would have

Never let this all happen.

They were naive, but...

They loved each other.

There's still love, julie.

It's just...

It's just buried

Under all this... sh*t.

Look what I found at the

Bottom of the desk drawer.

"Happy anniversary to dr. And

Mrs. Perfect, love matt... Your son."

Ha! That's great.

When is this from?

Fourth grade.

I shouldn't have

Blamed you for all this.

Just tell me everything's

Gonna be all right.

Everything is

Gonna be all right.

Very nice.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd check myself out.

I don't care how expensive the

Sheets are in that recovery spa,

It still smells like

A damn hospital.

That's because it

Is a hospital, matt,

For patients that need

Around-the-clock monitoring.

You're supposed to be on

Iv fluids for 2 more days.

I can see why you'd

Want me there.

What's the matter, your own

Bed have too many bad memories?

This isn't what it

Looks like, matt.

Hey, it's cool. If you guys

Wanna give it another go...

No, we're not

Giving it another go.

It was a one-time thing.

I'm gonna go put clean

Sheets on my bed...

And take a nap.

Xanax?!

Who prescribed these for you?

My dad.

See, that's the advantage

Of having 3 parents.

You can always be sure that

One's gonna give you what you need.

Hey... Hey! Don't put

Your hands on me!

These dr*gs are only gonna

Stop your pain temporarily.

They're not gonna help you

Deal with your real problems.

You might think you

Outrank everyone,

But that doesn't mean you have

Any idea what I need right now.

Then tell us, matt.

We're your parents.

We're not the enemy.

Yes, tell me. Do you need

Me to hug you? Hit you?

Whatever it takes to

Get you back, I'll do it.

Then give me my pills

And leave me alone.

I can't do that.

You're in no condition

To be self-medicating.

Don't ask me what I

Need if you're not willing

To give it to me, all right?

Got it.

♪ Stuck on you ♪

♪ Got this feeling down deep in

My soul that I just can't lose ♪

♪ Guess I'm on my way ♪

♪ Needed a friend ♪

♪ And the way I feel now I guess

I'll be with you till the end ♪

♪ Guess I'm on my way ♪

♪ Mighty glad you stayed ♪

I can't believe you took those

Frat boys up on their offer.

Rockin' the cradle of love, huh?

Yeah. It was almost too easy.

We were like these



We?

Yeah. Sean came with me.

Sean? I... Can't see sean

Enjoying something like that.

Well, tell that to the co-ed

Who had her head in his lap.

♪ I'm leaving on that

Midnight train to boulder ♪

I wish I had the energy for

A little vag*na u, but, uh...

I got my hands full at home.

Oh? Girlfriend?

My girlfriend I can handle.

It's my girlfriend's

Girlfriend that's wiping me out.

You are my idol.

How do you get up for work?

The sex isn't the tiring part.

It's the constant

Jockeying for position.

I find myself fighting nonstop

To keep my status

As cock of the walk.

Ohh. Sounds like quite a burden.

Hey, anytime I

Can help you out...

How about tonight?

I'm serious. I...

I need a break.

Come take kit off my

Hands for the night, hmm?

College bj's are nice, q,

But, uh, aim a little higher.

Christian, are you sure there's

Not gonna be any jealousy?

I'd hate to have things

Be awkward around here.

Hardly.

I'd consider it a...

Personal favor.

So, christian tells me

That you're working

The carver case.

Any leads?

Some.

You've got to stalk

His kind of predator.

It takes time. My last

Case took 2 years.

Some psycho near stepney green

Who got off on

Attacking couples.

He'd tie the man up and then make

Him watch as he r*ped the girl.

Well, there's a

Fetish for everyone,

Isn't there?

I'm sorry, kimber, uh...

This is very embarrassing.

I'm completely star-struck.

I... I've seen all your movies.

How sweet.

I have a new series coming up.

It's called two girls,

A guy, and a cum face.

It's loosely based on

Our personal experiences.

We'll be sure to

Send you the dvds.

p*rn's for fat kids.

Why not offer

Him the real thing?

I... I wouldn't want to impose.

Christian won't mind a

Friend lending a hand.

Not at all. Quentin, if

That's what kit wants,

She's all yours.

If you like her movies,

Wait 'til you have her

When she's not acting.

She tastes like

Home maple syrup.

Kimber isn't a condiment

From ihop, sweetheart.

She's not to be passed

Around the table.

It's not your place to invite

Him into our arrangement, kit.

You're right, christian.

We need a majority.

Would you like us to make

Love to quentin tonight, baby?

Sure. Why not?

Then it's decided.

Unless you're

Uncomfortable, christian.

Or intimidated.

Baby, don't worry. If

He's taking care of her,

Then I can have you

All to myself again.

To, um, even numbers.

Cheers.

Hello?

Is matt there?

No, what's wrong?

What's wrong is that

Our son has polished off

Our entire liquor cabinet.

How do you know it was him?

Right, julia, I

Shouldn't assume.

Maybe the booze elves had a

Big blowout while I was at work!

Oh, jesus, he knows he's

Not supposed to be drinking.

If matt shows up there,

Tell him I expect him

And you and christian

Over here tomorrow

Night to settle this.

♪ Hey, how you

Doin', lil' mama? ♪

♪ Let me whisper in your ear ♪

♪ Tell you somethin' that

You might like to hear ♪

♪ You got a sexy... Body

And your... Look soft ♪

♪ Mind if I touch it

And see if it's soft? ♪

♪ Naw, I'm just playin'

Let's just say I can ♪

♪ And I'm known to

Be a real nasty man ♪

♪ And they say a closed

Mouth don't get fed ♪

♪ So I don't mind

Asking for... ♪

♪ You heard what I said ♪

♪ Have yo' legs

Open all in the butt ♪

♪ Do it slappin'... 'Cause

The sex gets rough ♪

♪ Switch the positions and

Ready to get down to business ♪

♪ So you can see what

You've been missin' ♪

♪ You might have had some but

You never had none like this ♪

♪ Just wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Wait till you see my... ♪

♪ Oh ♪

What's wrong?

Tell me that was

An accident, quentin.

Relax, christian. We're

All just having a good time.

No, I need to hear him say it.

I need to hear him say that

He did not mean to grab my ass.

I think I should go.

Why didn't you tell

Me that you were bi?

You didn't tell me the specifics

Of your sex life

Until this afternoon.

Frankly, I assumed

You were, too.

Well, I'm not.

Well, this is my fault.

I broke rule number one.

Never cum where you eat.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

You're both incredible.

Well done, christian.

Get out of my bed. Excuse me?

I'm tired of all

This 3-way bullshit.

I want my girlfriend

Back. She's mine.

Kimber isn't a

Possession, christian.

She doesn't belong to you.

Yes, I do.

You're beautiful,

And you're really amazing, kit,

But I agreed to let you join us

Because I thought it would help

Make christian feel better.

Now he does. I like

You, but I love him.

I had higher expectations of

You, christian, but the truth is,

You're nothing more than

A domesticated house cat

With an expensive haircut

And no sense of adventure.

Domesticated or not,

There's no p*ssy for you here.

Go find one someplace else.

You'll never feel truly

Safe with him, kimber.

Matt will be at

My house at 7:00.

I'll get takeout.

Don't order for

Me. I won't be there.

This is important, christian.

Which is why he needs

His parents there.

His real parents.

What happened to

Mr. Hands-on dad?

Threes don't work.

Some old customs are still

Around for good reason.

One wife, one

Husband, 2 parents.

It would help us

To have you there.

He respects your opinion

More than any of ours right now.

I've got an 8:30

Lift with quentin.

Make sure you don't

Drop the scalpel.

Our new partner...

Plays for both teams.

You're joking. Mm-hmm.

How do you know?

He made a pass at me last night.

You sure it was a pass?

Could you have

Misconstrued something?

I've never had a buddy try

To snake his pinkie up my ass

Just for shits and giggles.

I knew there was something weird

About the way he was

Looking at me at that party.

Makes sense. I think he's

Got a little man-crush on you.

On me?! You're the

One he tried to screw.

Somebody tell a good joke?

No, just something I saw

In the paper this morning.

Oh. It must have been

A pretty funny article.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, hey...

Did either of you read

The article last week

About the ohio state

Supreme court ruling

That upheld a $6 million

Award to a bisexual woman

Who accused the law offices

Where she was clerking

Of turning her sexual practices

Into water cooler gossip?

It was a landmark case.

$6 Million. That sets a

Motherlode of a precedent, eh?

Basically shut the firm down.

See you in surgery.

Oh, god.

Matt, where have you been?

You were supposed

To be here 2 hours ago.

Oh, I must have

Lost track of time.

Mattie, this is serious.

Oh, I'm sure it is, man,

But, uh, my face is k*lling me,

So maybe we can get together

At the dysfunctional

Family christmas party, huh?

That's enough, matt.

You been drinking again?

Yeah, just a couple of beers.

Who are you?

I don't even recognize

You anymore.

That's funny because you

All look so familiar to me.

Everything out of your mouth

Is some kind of snide,

Smartass comment.

What's happened to you?

Well, uh... Let's see.

In the past couple of months,

I found out that my dad's

Best friend is my real dad,

My old dad b*at the

Crap out of my mom

Who threw her out of the house,

My parents ruined

My relationship

With the only

Woman I've ever loved

And then let it slip that

Not only was she a man,

That one of them slept with her.

Is that enough?

Or should I go on?

We understand, matt, and that's

Why we've called this meeting

To talk through your feelings

About everything

That's happened.

We know we screwed the pooch.

This is our chance

To make it right.

To be a family again.

You want a family?

You find someone sick

Enough to want one with you.

Listen, you think you're a man?

You want to hear it like a man?

Your mother and I

Sacrificed everything for you.

She buried her dreams and I

Sold my soul to that business

So that we could provide you

With the things we didn't have.

Don't tell me we've

Turned you into this!

We've given our

Lives for this family!

You don't have the

Right to walk out on it!

Watch me.

Mattie, please... Oh, god!

No!

You wouldn't dare mess

Up your perfect work.

I already have.

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Aah!

♪ Make me beautiful ♪

♪ Life ♪