01x09 - Ooo, Ooo, Itchy Woman

[bunniefuu]

[Snoring]

[Chuckling]

Oh, yeah, baby.

I love you, too.

Oh, man, not again.

Meet your new girlfriend.

Hey, Oken, is she your main squeeze?

Did you get it, squeeze? Orange?

How do I come up with this stuff?

Hey, leave him alone.

Yeah, nobody picks on Oliver but us.

That's right. Hey!

I mean, if we were going to pick
on Oliver, we easily could've said,

"Oh, man, you make an ugly girl."

But we didn't. Even though it's true.

Thanks; Hey!

Okay, people; It's pop quiz time!

[ALL MOANING]

First question.

Who can tell me why this
is the worst day of my life?

[Exclaims]

Let it go, man. Let it go.

You got passed over for
principal again, Mr. Picker.

That's right, Oken; Poke the bear with a stick.

By the way, that's not your color.

No, my rapture today

is because I lost a bet with Coach Hendricks,

and I am now the chaperone
of this year's class camping trip.

-Oh, man.
-Oh, no, don't moan.

It'll be great, sitting by
the campfire, telling stories,

being eaten alive by disease-ridden bugs, oh joy.

Come on guys, camping's
fun. I do it all the time.

Little Miss Miley Sunshine,

trying to turn my frown upside down.

That's very sweet and at
this moment, terribly annoying.

Have your parents fill out these forms

so you can spend 24 glorious
hours with me and no indoor plumbing.

[Exclaiming in disgust]
Eww

I don't want to go to the bathroom in the woods.

I don't even like going here.

Come on, guys, think about it.

Sitting under the stars, breathing
all that fresh mountain air,

surrounded by the sounds of nature.

[MIMICKING BIRDS CALLING]

[CHITTERING]

-What are you doing?
-A chipmunk, duh.

[WITH COUNTRY ACCENT]
Could you be any more of a hillbilly?

You know, I could've done a pig,
but you guys already got that covered.

Mmm. What's that I smell?

Bacon that just got b*rned!

-Geeks.
-Freaks.

-Loser. Loser.
-Loser. Loser.

Oooh.

[Mimicking sizzle]

You do that stupid finger
thing one more time and your...

Oh, cat fight on aisle five.

Sir, we were just talking
about what a kick it's gonna be

getting to know each other better. Right, guys?

-Right. Oh, yeah!

-Right.
-You bet!

Good, you're sharing the same tent together.

-What?
-What?

♫

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's the best of both worlds ♪

[Grunting] Ninety-eight... I see ya.

Ninety-nine... I'm coming to get ya.

One hundred.

Okay, darling,

it's time for me and you to do a little dance.

[Coughing]

[Coughing]

[COUGHING LOUDER]

Honey, you look terrible.

Couldn't sleep.

Feel sick.

[RASPING]

You know, you sound kind of like that old mule

that used to haul fat Uncle
Earl up that hill to church.

And look at that rash. That's it.

You're not going on that camping trip today.

But, Daddy; I'm fine.

[Coughing]

Sorry, darling, but you're going back to bed.

And I guess I'll just have to
call and cancel that interview

I had set up for Hannah
Montana and Taylor Kingsford.

Taylor Kingsford? He is the coolest V J on TV!

This is awesome!

I mean...
[coughs]

Nice try.

But next time you might
wanna go for a waterproof rash.

I'm healed!

Hallelujah?

Miley; I know you just don't wanna
share a tent with Amber and Ashley,

but sometimes you just gotta
make the best out of a bad situation.

Well, in that case,

I'm gonna need a jar of honey,



You know, at times like this,

I'm gonna say to you what I
used to say to your mother.

Keep your mitts off my cake.

Mile, I know those girls
don't always treat you right,

but sinking down to their
level just isn't the answer.

Dad, how do we really know that until we try?

Well, you remember that kid
that always used to tease Jackson?

Then Jackson snuck into his bathroom,

put glue all over his toilet seat?

It would've worked if I hadn't slipped.

[Laughing]

He sure gave that crowd in the
emergency room a good laugh.

Good times, good times.

But my point is, if you're
gonna lie down with dogs,

you're gonna get up with fleas.

Not if I wear a flea collar!

Mile, as a favor to me, be the better person.

But, Dad, I already am the better
person, so why do I have to act like it?

Promise me.

-Okay, fine.
-That's my girl.

[ALARM BLARING-♫]
Oh, man.

That dang mouse is chewing on the wires again!

That's it, I guess this time I'm just gonna...

Oh, no, you're not.

That mouse is a living creature.

I even gave it a name. Linda.

It's Spanish for pretty.

Well, you better start learning
the Spanish word for squished.

It was the sixth day without food.

Only one man could guide the
remaining survivors to safety.

Oliver Oscar Oken.

"The Triple-O," known the world over as...

"Ooo."

That is so not funny anymore.

It's the Malibu Miley Cat!

Very rare, very vicious!

Okay, people.

One, two, three, drop!

Excellent; Now if only we
could pick them up and leave.

Could there possibly be a
better place to study nature?

The answer is yes.

On a 42-inch Hi Def plasma
TV in the comfort of my den,

just steps away from indoor plumbing.

Come on, Mr. Picker, you can't experience

the feel and smell of nature on your TV.

That's the whole point.

Now set up your tents,

get into them and pray for the next 24 hours.

Because that's what I'll be doing.

There they are.

-I've got a clear sh*t.
-Lilly, no, we might get in trouble.

Let me handle this.

Okay, but make it hurt.

Trust me. You can count on that.

[Sighing]

[stuttering] Okay, I know we've had our problems,

but Lilly and I are willing to forget if you are.

I thought you said you were gonna make it hurt!

That was the most painful thing I've ever done.

But I promised my dad I'd be the better person.

Well, I didn't!

Lilly, please, I can't do this without you.

-Help me because you're my friend.
-No.

Because you know it's the right thing to do.

Oh...

No.

Because I'm on Taylor Kingsford,
your favorite show, tomorrow night

and if you don't help me, I'm not taking you.

Hello, tent pals!

Who wants me to braid their hair?

[Exclaiming in disgust]
Uhhhh Eww

What do you say we put
up this tent, and make a fire

and cook ourselves up a big pot of friendship?

[COUNTRY ACCENT] Well, we'd
like to, but we don't speak hillbilly.

[COUNTRY ACCENT] Or do
our wash down yonder in the crick.

Ha, ha, ha, ha

-You're funny.
-I hate them.

Just remember Taylor
Kingsford, your favorite show.

You know what I'm thinking, Ash?

-Half-caff...
-Non-fat,

-grande latte with just...
-Grande latte with just

-a sprinkle winkle of cinnamon.
...a sprinkle winkle of cinnamon.

Uhhh.... Psssss

That's it, I'm going to sprinkle their winkles.

Lilly. No!

[Exclaims]

That's a bite.

That's a big bite.

Well, this is just great.

Amber and Ashley bail,

and now we have to put
up this thing all by ourselves.

I mean, ask me to change
the trucks on a skateboard,

I can do that. But a tent? This'll take forever!

Ta-da!

-How did you do that?
-When you're raised in Tennessee,

they teach you this stuff
before you're potty trained.

Go look inside, there's cut flowers.

[whispering] Linda.

Come on, Linda.

-[whispering] Dad?
-Shh!

-Dad?
-Shh!

-[whispering] But, Dad.
-[SHOUTING] What?

I was just gonna tell you if
you stop looking at the plate

maybe the mouse will come.

I was right!

Donny, I don't think it goes that way.

You should've stopped after "I don't think."

Did you hear that, guys? "I don't think!"

Because he doesn't think!

I own you!

Yeah, well, you should've
stopped after "Did you hear that?"

[Laughing] Did you hear that? Right?

Give it to me!

-You can pull harder than that, wimp!
-Oh, wimpier!

[DONNY GRUNTING]

Step aside, rookies, let
me show you how to do this.

-I can do it if he'd just let go!
-You let go!

Tent wedgie, tent wedgie!

Wow!

No place to buy a latte, no place to buy shoes,

and not a single multi-plex.

Why would anyone want to come to the woods?

There's nothing but trees. What a waste of space.

And we're supposed to sleep in this?

It's synthetic!

[Exclaiming in disgust]
Eww!

Let go! You let go.

-What are you doing?
-Pitching a tent.

-How's it working out for ya?
-I'm hanging in.

Great. I have so many bites
on my tush, it looks like a waffle.

Yuhu!, Mr. Picker?

-Did we build ours the right way?
-What?

Wow, I'm impressed.

But Miley put up that tent!
They just went for lattes!

-Lattes?
-In the forest?

I can't believe you would try to
take credit for something we did.

All we wanted to do was put up a tent,

make a fire and cook us
up a big pot of friendship.

That's what I said!

She's taking credit again!
Mr. Picker, make her stop.

-Please make her stop.
-If it'll make you stop, sure.

Listen, here's a thought,

why don't we just apologize to each other?

Or at the very least, somebody
fake an illness so we can all go home.

Fine.

I'm sorry.

Right. We're both sorry...

That you are two lying, evil nasties!

Oh, how I wanna go home!

Just a tip.

In the future when apologizing,

[Chuckling] avoid the
phrase "lying, evil nasties."

-Here.
-What's your problem?

I have to share a tent with Donny tonight.

So?

He's had five helpings of beans.

Come on, Oliver, it's not
like he did it on purpose.

Hey, Oken.

I think he did.

Look, we feel bad about this.

We didn't think he'd make
you wash all the dishes.

-Poor babies.
-But, look, you're almost done.

Oops! Sorry. See?

I can apologize.

Well, that's because you're the bigger person.

That's it! Forget Taylor Kingsford.

I'm going after them and
don't you try and stop me.

Who's stopping ya? I'm with ya!

Sorry, Dad. Get the flea dip ready,

because tonight I'm lying down with the dogs.

Linda.

Come on out, Linda, nobody's gonna hurt you.

-Come on.
-Come on, Dad, that's ridiculous.

This is how you catch a mouse.

Two hundred and forty-eight traps.

Very impressive, Son.

Can you come over here for a second?

[Chuckling] Oh, all right.
Okay, I know what you're thinking.

But I got the brains to
get myself out of this one.

See, that's the difference
between me and a mouse.

[TRAPS SNAPPING]

I think the difference is the
mouse would've made that jump.

[TRAP SNAPS]

[FOLIAGE RUSTLING]

[AMBER GASPING]

What was that?

Ashley?

Ashley. Ashley.

[MOANING]

Move your hand. I can't see your answers.

Ow!

-What's going on?
-I think I heard something outside!

It was probably just the wind.

[OLIVER GROWLING]
-Grrr

Or not.

-Mr. Picker! Mr. Picker!
-Mr. Picker! Mr. Picker!

-Mr. Picker!
-Mr. Picker!

Twelve more hours, your own bathroom.

You can do it.

[OLIVER GROWLING]
Grrr... Grrrr...

-[SHOUTING] What is that thing?
-I don't know.

It could be a bear or a mountain lion.

Whatever it is, it sounds hungry.

[OLIVER GROWLING]
Grr

But I'm too pretty to get eaten!

Hey, I'm pretty, too!

Well, I'll mention that at your funeral!

-Lilly, wish me luck.
-Miley, what are you doing?

If we stay here, we'll all get torn to pieces.

Our only hope is if I can
get to the ranger station alive.

This is stupid. I just can't let you go.

-But we can!
-Go, go! Be stupid!

Don't worry, I'm gonna be just fine!

[Both screaming]
-Ahhhhh -AAAhhhhh

-Thanks for the help.
-Anything to get out of Donny's tent.

He got a standing ovation from the skunks.

Oh, no, you don't! Yeah, that's right!

Not so tough now, are ya?

My leg!

Ow!

My other leg!

My arm!

[OLIVER GROWLING]
Grrr

-Okay; You go next.
-Why me?

I think we've established the "pretty scale."

-Lilly, he's got me!
-Oh, no, he doesn't!

It's too late. Goodbye!

[LILLY GRUNTING]
Ahhhhhhh

No, Miley, no!

You let her go, you...

[AMBER AND ASHLEY SCREAMING]
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hey!

Ocupado!

Get out!

You get out!

[ALL SCREAMING]
Ahhh.. ahnnn ahhhhh

[ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST] Ahhh.. ahnnn ahhhhh

Ha, ha, ha

Yeah!

Looks like Daddy was wrong.

I got down with the dogs and got up flea free.

[Grunting]

Got ya!

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

That little sucker's laughing at me.

[PLAYING RANDOM NOTES]
♪ ♪ ♪

Oh, your tail is mine now.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]
♫

What the...

♫ - ♫

Way to go, Dad; I'll take it from here.

All right, my little rodent friend,
kiss your whiskers goodbye.

Whoa, Son.

You don't k*ll a mouse with that kind of talent.

Linda, you know Achy Breaky Heart?

[Miley:] [♫] The other side, the other side-♪

♪ The other side of me ♪

♪ The other side, the other side I want you to see ♪

♪ The other side, the other side of me ♪

That was Hannah Montana.

[Exclaims]

And in a minute we're
coming back with the real thing.

So please stay tuned, because I love you!

I mean it! I really do!

And we're clear.

There you are, there you are, looking so fine!

How you doing?
Mwah, mwah

And who is your right-hand lady?

[Giggling]
ha,ahahahaha

-Is she all right?
-I ask myself that question every day.

Stay!

[Cell phone ringing-♪]

Hey, Oliver? What do you want? I'm kind of busy.

It's important! Remember
that bush we were standing in?

It's poison oak!

What? That's crazy.

If it was then I'd be doing this.

Hey, baby girl, if you want to be on the show,

you need to be on the stage.

Gotta go.

[Sighing]

Okay, no, just because he said it... I mean...

Lilly isn't...

We're back!

-Three, two...
-Oh, boy.

And we're back with Hannah Montana.

[Exclaims]

-Hannah, welcome to the show.
-Thank you.

I have been itching to ask you a few questions.

[Chuckling] And I'm itching to answer them.

You always come across so sweet as apple pie.

And America loves apple pie. We love apple pie.

But is that the true Hannah
Montana? Is that the real you?

We'd like to know.

Well, I've always believed
that at the end of the day,

it's about loving each other
as you would love yourself.

Boring!

Come on, I mean, haven't you ever got down

and done something so bad?

Well, you know, I've learned

recently

that if you get down with
the dog, you end up with fleas.

-Are you all right?
-Yeah, never better!

It's just this... A new dance
routine I've been working on,

and I just can't wait to show it to ya.

-Does it come with a song?
-If you want.

How about that, a Taylor
Kingsford sneak peek right here!

All right, all I need is a b*at!

-Come on, band, help her out!
-Okay.

[PLAYING RHYTHMICALLY]
♫

Give me that mike! Thank you. Okay.

[♫] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!-♪[/i]

I call it the Scratch
dance! Contagious, isn't it?

♪ Everybody's doing it. See? ♪

♪ Just scratch my back! ♪

♪ Okay! All right! ♪

[♫] A little to the left[/i]

♪ Now a little to the right ♪

♪ Lower, higher, now, that's just right! ♪

♪ I can't watch this. ♪

-[MILEY SINGING] Oh, yeah![/i]
-You don't have to. I'm recording it.

I never get tired of watching me be right!

[MOANING]

-Now switch!
-You wish.

♪ -Scratch dancing! Scratch dancing! ♪
♪ -Scratch dancing! Scratch dancing! ♪

-[Miley:] [♫] Oh, yeah.
-Scratch dancing!

Scratch dancing! It's contagious!

-It's contagious!
-If you don't stop,

you're going to find out!

Come on, little girl, bring it!

-Come on, come on!
-I'm gonna get you!

-Scratch that!
-That's it!

[PLAYING THE EN TERTAINER]
♫♫♫♫

Very funny, Linda.